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I’m a homebody. I admit it.

When Saturday arrives, I don’t want to go anywhere. All I want to do is stare at the wall and stink.

Guys will know what I’m talking about.

I know that might make me officially old before my time — I’m 44 — but I don’t care.

It’s time to face facts.

Young people are active. They do stuff. They have fun. They live life.

Old people? They sit in their recliners and watch the grass grow. Or “Matlock” reruns. Same difference.

It wasn’t always like this. I used to be a man about town.

But first came love. Next came marriage. Then came taking out the trash and plunging toilets.

In other words, domestic bliss.

Each weekend, there’s stuff I’m craving to do in the area — I’ve got my own bucket list — but a little thing called responsibility always gets in the way.

I mean, who has the time? After soccer games and grocery shopping and knocking back a few at the Lawndale Drive-In — OK, forget that last part — the weekend is over.

Or the energy? After a week of answering to “the man,” you need the Jaws of Life to pry me away from the TV.

I’m spent. I’m tired. I’m done.

Leave. Me. Alone.

This means you, family. (Note to self: Check in to available rooms at Battleground Inn.)

Dog, if you have to go, hold it.

Daughter, just take the remote control.

Wife, take that to-do list and shove it where the ...

Yes, dear.

Every Saturday is the same routine. We get up at the crack of noon, head to the kitchen table and hold the family meeting.

Our first and only order of business: What are we doing today?

The discussion usually goes something like this:

Wife: I think we should go to the farmers’ market.

Daughter: Aw, I wanted to go the Children’s Museum.

Dog: Arf, arf.

Me: Zzzz.

In the end, we never agree on anything and end up staying home.

Which is fine by me. “Gunsmoke” is coming on.

But I have a confession. I really want to do better.

So, at the next family meeting, these are some of the ideas I’ll share.

• Center City Park, Greensboro: A putting green has more grass, but that’s OK. The place is peaceful. Maybe we could pack a lunch.
• Reedy Fork Trail, Lake Brandt Road, Greensboro: The mountain biking is to die for. Especially on impact.
• Greensboro Children’s Museum: Who can’t love a place that has a real plane and firetruck?
• Lazer X, Burlington: Tag, you’re it — but with lasers. A great stress release.
• State Street, Greensboro: Quaint shops. Hip eateries. A cool place to meander on foot.

Well, that about does it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a wall.

Contact Mike Kernels at 373-7120 or mike.kernels@news-record.com