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Many homes have emergency plans for fires, floods and earthquakes. But what about zombies? You know, the undead, flesh-eating creatures? Well, don’t wait until it’s too late. Here’s everything you need to know to survive a zombie apocalypse.

HOW TO RECOGNIZE A ZOMBIE

To survive a zombie apocalypse, you have to be able to spot a zombie. Trust me, nothing is more embarrassing than bludgeoning someone’s head, only to find out later he wasn’t a zombie. That’s a faux pas that’ll give you a bad reputation.

• Vacant expression

• Slack jaw

• Ripped, disheveled clothing

• Blood stains (optional)

This is more like it. Our zombie Trevor here is dressed to kill in this snappy ensemble that says “decaying” without being ostentatiously rotted.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU’VE BEEN TEXTED BY A ZOMBIE

"BRAINS"

This means your BFF has turned into a undead, flesh-eating corpse. Don’t text back. We also recommend you unfriend him from your Facebook page.

ESCAPING FROM ZOMBIES

Zombies used to come in one speed: lumbering. But zombies are becoming more mobile. Escaping a zombie horde now depends on which kind is chasing you.

Slow zombies ("Dawn of the Dead")
Mobility: Imagine an arthritic drunk with bunions.
Recommended escape strategy: A brisk stroll will do.

Running zombies ("28 Days Later")
Mobility: HOLY $#@%!!!!!!!
Recommended escape strategy: Run away in a blind panic while screaming like a little girl.

Dancing zombies (Michael Jackson’s "Thriller" video)
Mobility: Limber, nimble and lithe.
Recommended escape strategy: Samba and pirouette stage left. Don’t forget the jazz hands.

HIDING FROM ZOMBIES

Never peek out a window. They’re just waiting for you to do this so they can jump out suddenly and make you soil your pants.

Have spare car keys for when you inevitably drop them while fumbling to unlock the car door. And for heaven’s sake, check the back seat.

WAIT OUT THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE

Our government’s secret “No Zombie Left Behind” education initiative is paying off. Zombies are getting smarter. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, you may just want to hunker down and wait for the next inevitable step in zombie evolution.

1950s-’70s: Zombies 1.0. They can’t talk, are slow and clumsy and have no problem-solving skills. Intellectually indistinguishable from anyone who watches reality TV shows.

1980s: Zombies are a little more coordinated now, and they can talk. In fact, zombies can be downright chatty, talking your ears off, though mostly about their favorite subject: “Brains.”

1990s: People start to have feelings for zombies. Zombies are more coordinated. We see them — being all they can be — whipped into an efficient army of a few good dead men.

2000s: Zombies as pets, zombies with problem-solving skills, mastery of weapons and — in one video game at least — zombies can even operate machinery and tools.

The future: As the zombie evolution continues, zombies soon will be productive members of society and will work alongside “livies” in office cubicles. At the risk of being politically incorrect, though, you still might want to avoid going to lunch with them. Just in case.

ZOMBIE WEAPONS

No guns? No worries. The following everyday items have been successfully used against zombies in movies and games.

GARDEN TOOLS
• Shovel “Shaun of the Dead”
• Hedge clippers “Zombieland”
• Lawn mower “Braindead”
• Chain saw “Army of Darkness”

MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS
• Banjo “Zombieland”
• Grand piano “Zombieland”

HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES
• Vacuum cleaner “Dead Meat”
• Frying pan “Dead Rising”

SPORTING EQUIPMENT
• Baseball bat “Zombieland”
• Cricket bat “Shaun of the Dead”

WHAT IS YOUR ZOMBIE ATTACK SURVIVABILITY QUOTIENT?
By type and probability of survival

Handsome, take-charge kinda guy: 94 percent

Pretty girlfriend of above: 91 percent

Comic relief: 83 percent

Nice helpful stranger with a lot to live for: 22 percent

Panicky, sniveling coward: 15 percent

Bad girl: 5 percent

Evil, treacherous scientist who secretly caused the zombie outbreak: 0.01 percent *

* Although you won’t die until just before the zombie catastrophe is over.

WHAT IS YOUR ZOMBIE KILL QUOTIENT?
The degree of difficulty in having to shoot the following:

Zombie mom: 100 percent

Zombie boyfriend: 93 percent

Zombie ex-boyfriend: 43 percent

Zombie boss: 14 percent

Zombie cast of “Jersey Shore”: 2 percent

Non-zombie cast of “Jersey Shore”: 0 percent

Contact Tim Rickard at 373-7022 or tim.rickard@news-record.com