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If people weren't in such a hurry, that volcanic eruption wouldn't be such a big deal, except maybe on the island of Iceland.

But because it's essential that so many people get from point A to point B faster than a speeding bullet, the eruption of the volcano Eyjafjallajokull has gummed up transportation around the world. Airports from Scotland to Ukraine were closing for fear the ash spewed into the atmosphere might be sucked into jet engines, causing failure at 30,000 feet altitude.

That meant that passengers were stranded in airport lounges, sleeping on benches designed not to be slept on, unable to buy food or comfort because the currency in their wallets didn't match the currency where they were marooned.

Before time became something to exploit rather than to enjoy, the eruption would have been the subject of casual conversation over drinks in some elegant salon aboard a trans- Atlantic ocean liner.

Can you imagine Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr being upset by a volcano in Iceland as they carried on their affair to remember en route from our side of the Atlantic to the other side?

Can you imagine Kay Kyser crooning, "I'd like to get you on a fast jet to China"? No! A slow boat to China would provide all the comfort you could ask for, would give true love time to blossom and ripen, and would leave in its wake a store of memories to last for a long lifetime, not to mention all your sweetheart's lovers weeping on a faraway shore.

Neither Cary nor Deborah seemed concerned over whether the ship where they met would arrive on Tuesday or Thursday, or what meetings might have to be canceled or postponed because of delays.

No one would have been stranded because of the volcanic eruption. Ships' engines don't pick up high-altitude volcanic ash, and if they do, you don't have to worry about them flaming out and sending the vessel to the bottom. All you have to worry about are icebergs, and since the advent of radar, they're no longer prime threats. The ship would have sailed on with scarcely a notice of the volcano except for a murmured, "Oh look, there's Iceland off our port bow. What do you suppose that smoke is from?"

You can't have your entree in New York and dessert in London while making an old-fashioned surface crossing, but there are compensations. Whether you sail with or against the sun, your body has an opportunity to adjust to the time changes. You arrive refreshed after three or four days of good eating and relaxed living instead of after six or seven hours cooped up with grumpy passengers munching salty, peanut-free snacks. The time of day is what you expect it to be and not some ungodly hour that contradicts everything your body is telling you. Do you think Magellan's crew noticed the day that dropped off the calendar when they completed their trip around the world back in 1522?

I know that geological developments in Iceland can have awesome consequences. I once heard that the island resulted when an asteroid plummeted through the atmosphere, splashed through the ocean and plowed through the earth's crust, leaving a massive wound that bled magma. Iceland is no more than a rocky scar the size of Kentucky atop the Mid Atlantic Ridge.

As a matter of fact, Iceland holds within its volcanic bowels the means to cause drastic climate change. Three hundred years ago, the volcano Katla, a neighbor of Eyjafjallajokull, erupted and caused a long, cold winter in America. The Mississippi River froze just north of New Orleans, and the whole east coast had to dig out its longjohns.

Experts are saying that if Eyjafjallajokull is acting up, Katla will soon follow. If it does, I won't be among the mourners. I lost enthusiasm for air travel when they substituted those plastic bags of salty non-peanutty snacks for the chicken cordon bleu and French wines they used to serve on respectable airlines. I learned that there were few occasions when I couldn't bypass airports and take a leisurely trip by car, train or boat.

I found that life is much more pleasant when it's lived at a slower pace. You learn more about the country you're traversing and the people who live between your point of origin and your point of destination.

Technology could probably replace air travel as we now know it if volcanic activity caused its extinction. I suppose NASA could produce a suborbital vehicle that could blast into outer space from JFK, soaring well beyond the range of volcanic ash, and dive back to earth at Heathrow before you had time to spell Eyjafjallajokull.

Or somebody could steal from Star Trek the technology that enabled Scottie to beam people from one location to another the way radio beams voices from one place to another: by converting matter to energy at the source, and energy to matter at the destination.

Personally, I'd rather take that slow boat to China and leave all the hurried folks weeping in a faraway lounge. It would take lots more time, of course, but I'm betting the world would be waiting when I arrived. Barring the intervention of an asteroid.

Write to Gene Owens at 315 Lakeforest Circle, Anderson SC 29625. E-mail: Swampscum2@aol.com