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I have to confess, there are some situations in which I am very much at a loss.

Take the other night for example. My wife, Michele, and I were invited to a dinner party at a neighbor’s house.

The problem started when the host’s mammoth-size dog, whom I’ll call Bowser, became a little too friendly.

Upon arrival, I paused to make friends with Bowser by giving him a little scratch behind the ears.

I could see that two other couples had arrived before us. Everyone seemed to be relaxed and enjoying themselves, and I was looking forward to joining the gathering.

I gave a short wave in greeting and was about to say something like, “Hi, everybody,” when Bowser stuck his nose sharply into my crotch. Scoring a direct hit, I think I may have winced slightly as I stood there.

“So, Mac, how have you been?” one of the men said in greeting, apparently ignoring the dog trying to unzip my pants with his nose.

“Oh, you know,” I said, trying to look nonchalant while at the same time attempting to push this giant dog’s snout away from my groin.
“I can’t complain. How’s it going with you?”

“Can’t complain either,” he said as I took a step to one side and, a little more forcefully this time, again tried to fend the dog off. But like one of those heat-seeking missiles, this dog was seriously locked on to my groin.

Had I spilled something tasty in my lap earlier in the day? I didn’t think so.

As I made more chit-chat, I would push Bowser away only to feel the dog’s nose bumping my private parts again an instant later.

I recalled that scene in the book “Marley and Me” by John Grogan where the young couple is trying to teach their rambunctious dog not to jump up onto people.

They instruct a friend to knee the dog in the chest whenever he jumps up. I thought this might work with Bowser. If I raised my knee sharply right now, I grinned, I think Bowser might get the message. I desperately wanted to show this dog that my crotch is not an area to be trifled with.

But on the other hand, I was an invited guest into this house. I can’t go around kneeing people’s beloved pets, can I?

In the end, I tried another tactic. I walked over to the kitchen counter and took a seat.

I thought this would take my crotch out of play, but this only seemed to egg Bowser on as he continued to sniff crazily around my legs.
Bowser eventually ambled off, only to return to sniff my legs again some 10 minutes later to pick up where he had left off. This went on and off throughout the evening.

The strange thing is that the dog didn’t seem to notice anyone else the entire night, and I have no idea why he singled me out.

But if I had to guess, I think Bowser could smell a guy who wouldn’t know what to do in these awkward situations.

Contact Mac Lane at maclane@northstate.net.