news-record.com

Keith Deltano has a simple message on simplifying Christmas. But that’s not how a comedian gets his message across. So, Deltano has 10 Commandments of Gift Giving Through Observance that include: “Men shall never getteth another man a gifteth.”

“'Hey Bubba, I was out there at Gander Mountain and I was thinking of you, and I got you this deer seed,’” he deadpans, using his best Larry the Cable Guy impression.

A man would never do that, he says.

Yet “a woman must always getteth another woman a gifteth,” says Deltano. He will perform his “I’m Dreaming of a Stress Free Christmas” comedy show Wednesday at Pleasant Garden United Methodist Church.

“Some women keep a stack of nameless, faceless anonymous gifts, and in a bind, can reach in their closet and say, 'I got this just for you.’”

You know it’s true, he says. And yes, there is something wrong with it, says Deltano, whose comedy CD has been named “The Best Topic Driven CD” by the Christian Comedy Association.

“Buying gifts out of obligation, running up the Visa card, spending days on end at the mall, and getting depressed — that’s Christmas for a lot of people,” says Deltano, a former award-winning Jamestown Middle School teacher. The Julian resident is also a youth leader, private counselor and travels the country performing Christian comedy.

His routines often address how to avoid conforming to what is considered normal, whether it’s a show about teens resisting sex and drugs or about everyone avoiding commercialism at Christmas. He is a Christian comedian, who is simply a clean comedian while in public schools.

“We may not be getting our specials on HBO, but we are out there,” Deltano says.

He wants his audience to laugh, but he also wants them to recognize unhealthy behaviors.

“Instead of my sitting in front of the audience and saying, 'The way you do Christmas isn’t biblical and is out of control,’ it’s making people laugh at what we do that’s not biblical and out of control.

“People will come up after this Christmas show ... with tears in their eyes because they’ve been laughing at themselves for an hour,” he says.

Santa is the only topic he won’t discuss. The show is for kids, too, he says.

“I don’t hate Santa. I’m not one of those people,” Deltano says. “We just don’t do Santa in my house. My kids have been coached: 'Other people believe in Santa and leave them alone.’”

The upcoming show’s material touches on the mall and parking, the in-laws, the gift buying and the travel as well as the marriage issues that come up on holidays.

“We all strive for getting rid of the stress and really enjoying the moment,” says Susan Smith, the chairwoman of the church’s education committee, who arranged the show. “I thought how relevant this would be to everybody, not just the congregation but the community as well, to see how we need to take a step back from the commercialism and the angst we all go through this time of year.

“Even if they don’t apply it this year, maybe they’ll get a good laugh,” Smith says.

Deltano’s tackling the curmudgeonly clerk, the bratty kids singing, “Sugar is my friend,” and those competitive shoppers obsessed with buying the most gifts with the least amount of money. “You know that discount table where you reach an arm in and might lose it?” Deltano says, cracking himself up.

Deltano offers advice on how to change the pace and the tone of the holidays, especially when it comes to holiday travel. .

“Christmas used to be, 'Over the river the and through the woods to Grandmother’s house we go …’ and now it’s 'in the minivan, through the toll booths and Daddy won’t let me pee. ...’

“Their kids hate it and they hate it, and they don’t know how to stop because it never occurs to them that they can stop,” says Deltano, whose own family makes those trips at other times during the year.

Two years ago, the family used his frequent flier miles and took the older two kids biking in the mountains on Black Friday.

On the way back, they passed people still out shopping and cops with whistles directing traffic, and the kids were curious.

“I said, 'They’ve been up since 5:30 in the morning and they’re shopping,” Deltano says. “So here is the Deltano family flying by with the bikes on the back. My little girl said from the back seat, 'That’s weird.’”

Deltano also tackles the eventual holiday meltdowns and advises women to prepare a list of things their husbands can do to lighten the load.

“Most men hang the lights and that’s it: 'Hey honey, I hung the lights.’ Men will help but you can’t get emotional … just give us a list,” Deltano says.

“My wife had an epiphany. She made a list on an index card:

“Wrapping paper and then in parentheses, Christmas wrapping paper.

“Tide. Laundry aisle. Red jug and stripe.

“Vanilla extract. Baking aisle next to lots of bottles.

“You can do this.”

Deltano doesn’t let the women off easy either.

Put down the holiday edition of Southern Living magazine, he says.

“It’s unrealistic and it’s going to raise your expectation for what’s never going to happen,” Deltano says. “A lot of people try to be their mom, but their mom didn’t work. And if mom did work, it was maybe 30 hours a week.

“You are not Martha Stewart or Rachael Ray — those women make their own dirt.”

Contact Nancy McLaughlin at 373-7049 or nancy. mclaughlin@news-record.com