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A week after Christmas, the solicitors for worthy causes called again at the offices of Scrooge and Marley.

"Good day to you, Mr. Scrooge."

"Happy New Year, Mr. Scrooge."

"Gentlemen, come in. Welcome," Scrooge exclaimed in a warm voice. "I am very glad to see you."

"Mr. Scrooge, we have been delighted to learn of your, um, altered outlook on life these past few days."

"Altered outlook indeed, gentlemen. I'm a changed man. A new creation. And so much the better for it."

"As we can see, Mr. Scrooge. You are a joy to behold."

"Thank you," a beaming Scrooge said. "I'm only sorry to have wasted so many years in bitterness and greed, and that Jacob never had the chance I've been given."

"Yes, but surely Mr. Marley would be pleased by your transformation, Mr. Scrooge."

"Indeed he is," Scrooge affirmed. "He visited again just last night to check up on me. Don't mind him popping in now and then, really, but I wish he'd leave his chains behind. Frightful clanging in the middle of the night.

"But what can I do for you gentlemen?"

"Ah, yes," the first gentleman answered. "As to our purpose for returning to your door ..."

The second gentleman continued: "You see, Mr. Scrooge, even in the short time since we last prevailed upon your generosity, conditions in our city have grown much worse."

"Yes," the first gentleman resumed. "We've seen bank failures, factory shutdowns, rising unemployment. People are cold and hungry. We have a crisis!"

"I read the newspapers," Scrooge responded. "I see the suffering. And, I am very happy to proclaim, deliverance is at hand!"

"Bless you, Mr. Scrooge. Then we can count on you for help?"

"Most assuredly, gentlemen!"

"Wonderful, Mr. Scrooge, wonderful. For how much, sir?"

"Why, for whatever amount the government will muster, gentlemen."

"The government, Mr. Scrooge? I don't understand."

"Surely you understand what the government is," Scrooge said.

"Yes, of course. But the government does not ..."

Scrooge interrupted.

"I note your bewilderment, my dear fellows. Perhaps you still cling to the opinion I once held myself, that the government plays a limited role in affecting the welfare of the population -- operating workhouses for the poor, prisons for debtors and other evildoers, and all the rest of us should fend for ourselves.

"If anyone with sufficient wealth and a soft heart were inclined to make a donation to his less fortunate neighbors," Scrooge added, "well, he was entitled to part with his money as he saw fit. I never felt the urge myself, but that was my attitude, gentlemen."

"Yes, we were quite aware of it, Mr. Scrooge. And now?"

"Now, friends, I have had a change of heart. The new public liberality has swept over me. The government is the answer to all our wants and needs. It will prop up the banks, underwrite home mortgages, bail out ailing industries, extend unemployment benefits, put more people to work building roads and bridges, and stimulate the economy in every possible way. I fully embrace these policies, and I could not be more proud of myself."

"But, Mr. Scrooge," the first gentleman protested, "that is not sufficient."

"Not sufficient?"

"Indeed not, Mr. Scrooge," the second gentleman said. "Private charities are needed more than ever, to provide shelter, and meals, and child care, and counseling, and so many other human services."

Scrooge looked astonished.

"Gentlemen, what you say is incredible. I am quite sure the spirits said all our problems would be solved if we could just put in place the right government and give it unlimited power and money. And now we have done so. Never before would I have endorsed such a state of affairs, but now I'm positively giddy about it."

"Mr. Scrooge," the first gentleman scolded, "I'm afraid you're very much mistaken to place such faith in any government and especially to assume it will carry out on your behalf all your personal responsibilities to your fellow man."

"We all must do our part, Mr. Scrooge," the second gentleman said.

Scrooge recoiled. A scowl crossed his wrinkled face.

"I suppose next you'll suggest I should pay more taxes. Well, I have two words for you gentlemen:

"Bah! Humbug!"

Contact Doug Clark at 373-7039 or dgclark@news-record.com