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Michelle escaped from an abuser only to feel pushed around in a High Point battered women's shelter.

It made her stronger, she says several months later.

"I'm thankful for the experience. I'm thankful for the mistreatment because it gave me a reality check, because the real world is the real world. ... The one thing I would not do is surrender, let my children see their mother surrender again."

Michelle isn't her real name. She contacted me at the suggestion of Dee Valadez Lindsay, a former part-time staff member at Carpenter House, a domestic violence shelter operated by Family Service of the Piedmont.

Lindsay believes some clients at the shelter are treated rudely and unfairly badgered by overly strict enforcement of minor rules governing kitchen access, children's bedtimes and other living arrangements. Some have been put out of the shelter with nowhere else to go, she said.

I met Monday with Tom Campbell, chief program officer and interim CEO for Family Service; Susan Weiss, director of victims services; and Charlee McVearry, Carpenter House manager. They can't discuss individuals but deny mistreatment of clients.

Rules are created for safety, health, client well-being and preserving a harmonious environment, McVearry said. Clients are expelled only for serious reasons, like threatening behavior.

"The mix of women coming in has shifted since the mental-health reform," Campbell said, referring to the state's botched efforts to privatize services for the mentally ill. Some clients have troubles beyond the abuse they've experienced. That can strain relations in a facility where several women and their children are thrown into unfamiliar circumstances.

Michelle said she had to leave earlier than she planned because of conflicts between her 5-year-old son and another child.

Another former client, whose account was written by her son and forwarded to me because she doesn't speak English, said her experience "made me feel like going back to my abuser."

That's such a common expression in shelters that it has a name, Weiss said: "Return to abuser by staff. ... It's like suicide by cop."

Some women, sadly, repeatedly put themselves in the role of victim.

"A lot of our clients do go back to their abusers ... or find new ones," Campbell said.

Carpenter House staff work with clients to create plans to break those patterns, McVearry said. The program includes achieving independence by finding work.

The risk is that some women might feel they're being pushed too hard or controlled by the people who are providing them with shelter. It's a fine line.

"We don't want shelters to be further victimizing people who have already been abused," said Mel Chilton, executive director of the N.C. Council for Women/Domestic Violence Commission.

The state agency offers a toll-free number that shelter residents can call to report problems: 1-877-502-9898.

It operates regional offices, including one in Greensboro directed by Bernetta Thigpen. Her number is 334-5094.

She frequently receives such calls, Thigpen told me, and will investigate.

Inflexibility in enforcing rules "is a major issue for us," she said. "You've got people who come from a power-and-control situation, and now you're trying to exercise power and control."

She's heard no complaints about Carpenter House, Thigpen added, but she strongly sympathizes with women who feel vulnerable. She wants them to know there are people they can call for help.

Campbell said the same. He and Weiss agreed it would be a good policy to post the state agency's toll-free number in the shelter.

Although he'd prefer that clients initiate complaints at the staff level, Campbell said he maintains an open-door policy and has met with shelter residents.

My impression is that Family Service offers a safe place for women in crisis but not a perfect place. Maybe staff members don't relate as well to some clients as to others. Maybe some clients don't accept the program. The shelter might not be the right place to address all problems.

In a way, Campbell said, the act of complaining shows progress for some women because "they're finding their voice."

Michelle, who's working and raising her children on her own now, seems to have found her voice. She'd give this advice to other women who have suffered abuse:

"Reach down deep inside. There's somebody in there who can stand alone and be strong. ... I'm standing up, and my children are right beside me."