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After watching the presidential and vice presidential debates, I've concluded that it doesn't matter whether they're being grilled by a media star, an audience of political buffs or a fifth-grade C student; we're going to get the same answers every time.

That's because the candidates are schooled to answer the questions they want to be asked, and not necessarily the questions they are asked.

I shall demonstrate with a fantasy debate moderated by Katie Boric, a fifth-grader at Kerrmit Middle School in East Paddywack, N.J., who is firing her own questions to the major-party presidential and vice presidential candidates. Listen in:

Katie: My first question: What is your favorite food?

Barack Obama: I'm glad you asked that question, Katie, because nutrition is a very important aspect of the quality of life for us here in the United States of America. Now, John McCain would follow the failed dietary habits of George W. Bush, who during the past eight years has led this country into a nutritional crisis. We can't afford four more years of fried pork skins. My tax breaks for the middle class will enable ordinary Americans to afford arugula.

Katie: Thank you, Senator Obama. Senator McCain, your favorite food?

John McCain: Broiled maverick.

Katie: And your favorite, Senator Biden?

Joe Biden: John McCain, God love him, is a great guy and a dear friend of mine, but when it comes to meat, he's dumb as a brick. That's not maverick he's been eating; it's veal from calves raised under inhumane conditions, like the conditions at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay, where George Bush has denied suspects the right to due process and subjected them to torture. Myself, I'm partial to the hearty pot roast we had for Sunday dinner when I was growing up in the blue-collar neighborhoods of Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Katie: Governor Palin?

Sarah Palin: Well, you won't see me eating from the Washington, D.C., pork barrel, that's for sure. My favorite food is grilled mooseburger, made from scratch using moose I've shot and butchered myself. And baked Alaska for dessert, you betcha.

Katie: My next question to all four of you: What is your favorite color? Senator McCain, you go first.

John McCain: Red, on the electoral map.

Barack Obama: I believe color has no place in this election campaign. However, you and I know that under George Bush there's been a red light holding up economic progress and ecological stewardship. For the last eight years, John McCain has failed to honk his horn in disapproval. When I become president, the light will turn green for more jobs, lower taxes and a healthier environment.

Katie: Governor Palin?

Sarah Palin: My favorite color is black, the color of Alaskan crude oil. There are billions of barrels of it beneath the soil of the Arctic wilderness and under the offshore sea floor. Let's drill, baby, drill.

Katie: And your favorite color, Senator Biden?

Joe Biden: It's blond, the color of my wife's hair, and she's drop-dead gorgeous. John McCain - he's a great guy and my good friend -- also is married to a gorgeous blonde, and Jill and I look forward to having John and Cindy over for bridge after Barack Obama moves into the White House.

Katie: Next question: What is your favorite music? You first, Senator Obama.

Barack Obama: My favorite song is "Michelle, Ma Belle," because my Michelle is indeed beautiful, and so are our gorgeous daughters. Now George Bush has been allowing Wall Street to call the tunes for the past eight years. At first it was Fabian's "Turn Me Loose"; then it became "Rescue Me," by Diana Ross. If John McCain is elected, the whole country will be singing the refrain of the late Bobby Darrin: "Splish, splash, I was taking a bath." John McCain would like for the Wall Street tycoons to party on while ordinary people are taking a bath in red ink.

Katie: Your favorite music, Senator McCain?

John McCain: "Anchors Aweigh."

Katie: And yours, Senator Biden?

Joe Biden: I like "The Pennsylvania Polka." It has a line that says, "It started in Scranton, it's now number one." I started in the blue-collar neighborhoods of Scranton, and now I'm going to be a heartbeat away from number one."

Katie: Governor Palin?

Sarah Palin: You know, one day Todd and I were sitting on our deck listening to the sounds from Russia, which you can see from Alaska, and we heard noises like cannons going off. As commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard, I sent our brave warriors on a reconnaissance in force and called General McClelland in Afghanistan to keep him informed. He told me it was just a nationwide Russian celebration and they were playing "The 1812 Overture," by the famous Russian composer, Peter Tchaikovsky, in honor of Russia's victory over Napoleon. The cannons are part of the percussion. So I made the executive decision to bring the boys back home, though not under a white flag of surrender. Barack Obama has never had to make a decision like that. I don't like Russian music. My favorite song is Johnny Horton's "North to Alaska."

Katie: My final question: Why are you running for the office you're seeking? Senator McCain, you go first.

John McCain: Because I'm better qualified than that one.

Katie: Senator Obama?

Barack Obama: For the past eight years, this country has been run by a white Anglo-Saxon Republican. John McCain offers us four more years of the same. It's time for a change.

Katie: Senator Biden?

Joe Biden: Because I'm the best qualified candidate, but I accept the verdict of the primary voters. I will be a loyal adviser to President Obama and will faithfully carry out the duties of the vice presidency, which former Vice President "Cactus Jack" Garner called "a bucket of warm spit."

Katie: Senator Palin?

Sarah Palin: By golly, what this country needs is a darn big dose of fresh Arctic air from Alaska, and I'm glad Senator McCain has consented to help me bring it to the Lower 48.

Katie: My thanks to all four of you, and may the best ticket win.

Write to Gene Owens at 317 Braeburn Drive, Anderson SC 29621, or e-mail him at Swampscum2@aol.com.