news-record.com

As a mediator in the court system, I work with people in conflict. All types of people come to court because of disputes that have arisen from poor communication skills.  Many times I see that it would have been unnecessary for them to be in court if they had communicated with each other in a better way.

As a mediator, I help parties in conflict listen and hear each other and express themselves in ways that the other party can hear without jumping to blame or judgment. I do this in the court system because these skills are not commonplace in our society.

We have entered a time when people are overcommitted, stressed out, angry and disconnected from one another. We have lost our ability to connect with one another in conversation. My work in the courtroom is often the last resort for people in conflict.

Better communication would not solve all the cases in criminal court, but if people learned to communicate with more awareness and with compassion for others, there would be a reduction in the cases that end up in court.

A particularly effective method of communication practiced and taught at The Servant Leadership School of Greensboro is Nonviolent Communication or NVC, which was developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. NVC is used throughout the world in schools, in mediation and in coaching.

Dr. Rosenberg teaches that people of all backgrounds enjoy making life richer for others and enjoy having their own lives enriched through effective communication.
 
Our present dilemma is that we have forgotten how to communicate our needs and feelings to others in a way that keeps us in a positive relationship with them rather than an adversarial relationship.

Often, we blame others for “making us angry” or “hurting our feelings,” rather than taking the responsibility ourselves for the thoughts we have about what was said. These thoughts, and not the other person, are what make us sad, angry or frightened.

Rosenberg contends that this dysfunctional communication is not only true for individuals but for communities as well.

As a society, we are not communicating well, and consequently, we aren’t getting our needs met. That leaves us hurt, angry and reactive, leading to behaviors that harm both the community and our relationships. In court this often ends up in charges of “simple assault,” “communicating threats” and “simple affray.”

We resort to violence and other misbehaviors because our needs are not getting met and we don’t know how to communicate effectively enough to get them met.
 
Good communication takes time and it takes your full attention. Both individuals and communities have to really want to connect with each other and to understand what they are feeling and needing.
 
In The Servant Leadership School, where I also work, we teach NVC as both a way to better our communication skills and as a way of being present to ourselves and to the other person. NVC slows our speech and invites us to be totally attentive to the present moment, and to what we are hearing and saying.

A major principle of the process is to “not take anything the other says personally.” In this way, we begin to understand that what another says or does is not about me or my community; it’s about them trying to meet their needs in the best way they can.
 
No one can insult you or “make you angry.” The responsibility for how you feel and act and what you say lies within your own control, which changes the dynamic of conflict quite a bit. As a mediator, I help people “reframe” their conflict and watch as people come to a new understanding of their situation.

There is a feeling of satisfaction when my clients in the court system get a glimpse of this type of communication and can get an idea of its effectiveness.

By learning and using the principles and practices of Nonviolent Communication, we can build trust, reduce conflict and stay better connected with one another, which, to me, sounds like a good thing.

Amelia Poole has a master’s degree in conflict resolution and serves on the boards of the Servant Leadership School of Greensboro and The Servant Center and is a member of Holy Trinity Episcopal Church (ameliapoole@aol.com)