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So, Jeri Rowe, you want to be Carolina?

Well here's some of what it's going to take for you and South Carolina:

You gotta start by winning NCAA championships.

You have .... one.

In women's track and field.

Carolina — yes, Jeri, Carolina — has 32. And not all of them are in basketball, although roundball is the main reason folks in the other 49 states — besides yours, Jeri — call us Carolina.

You need to keep winning bowl games. You're up to — hmmmmmmm, let's see — four now?

Hey, almost one for every toe on that foot you're counting on.

We're not exactly Alabama or Southern Cal, but we do have 12 bowl wins.

You need to win conference championships. OK, so Carolina's last came, er, um, 27 seasons ago.

Wow, time sure is flying.

You've got one, in 1969 just before you quit the ACC.

How's that SEC thing working out?

Beating Carolina today wouldn't hurt your cause, either. OK, your team is favored, and — let me check again — a win for you would make the series Carolina 34, South Carolina 17.

There are four ties, but as you well know, that's like kissin' your sister.

As no one knows better than you, Jeri, you're going to need a song. One about you.

When James Taylor wrote "Carolina In My Mind," he was thinking about home: Chapel Hill. Is beach music's "Carolina Girls" your version? We like that one and Carolina girls are sweet, but is that it?

And you've gotta get over the stock-car racin' thing. We know you're crushed that you can't get those Camaros and pickups from Chapel Hill down to Charlotte in time for tonight's race. But it's better this way.

Truth is, your university should've gotten here first. But it didn't. Our university came along in 1789: Carolina, the first state university. In fact, we just celebrated No. 218 yesterday. Your university came along in 1801, again just a little bit short.

So, Jeri, you want to be Carolina? Give it a shot. We'll let you know how you're doing.

Until then, you might need to settle for being Clem's son.

Eddie Wooten, the News & Record's civic team editor, is a 1984 graduate of Carolina: the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He's clearly still smarting from his team's loss to the Gamecocks during his sophomore year. Contact him at ewooten@news-record.com