news-record.com

RALEIGH - Choking back tears on the stage at Walnut Creek Amphitheatre recently, former "American Idol" sweetheart Kellie Pickler sang a song of questions to the mother who abandoned her.

In a church sanctuary not five miles away, Pickler's mother, Cynthia Malone, prayed once more for the strength to fully forgive herself for deserting Pickler as a toddler.

What was once a mother's private shame has become national intrigue as Pickler, 21, a budding country music vocalist, penned a song about a little girl's longing for a vanished mother.

"I Wonder" is climbing the Billboard Hot Country Songs list, hitting No. 15 last month.

Malone said it was hard to hear the first words her daughter had spoken to her in a decade uttered in a song on the radio. The lyrics are more mournful than angry, more pitiful than judging, but Pickler poses painful questions.

Did you think I didn't need you here to hold my hand, to dry my tears?
Did you even miss me through the years at all?

The song — and Pickler's discussions about her tough childhood — unleashed a range of emotions for Malone. Embarrassment faded to anger, which turned to hurt.

Now, Malone is using the conversation that Pickler started in a song to speak to strangers about her struggles. She has joined with Interact, the domestic violence support center in Wake County to assist victims and hopes her unwelcome fame as Pickler's estranged mom will make them listen.

"I can't change anybody's mind or their perception of me," said Malone, 38, widening dark eyes that match her daughter's. "But, if I had a dream, it would be to help one girl. To let her know that you don't have to do it by yourself."

'Her life or yours'

Malone was 16 and a country girl living in Stanly County when she fell for Clyde "Bo" Pickler Jr. He pulled up to her window at a local McDonald's drive-through. She was smitten, and quickly they became a pair.

"He told me everything I wanted to hear," Malone said. "He told me he loved me, that I was pretty, that he wanted to be there and protect me from my dad. I wholeheartedly believed him."

Soon, Malone got pregnant with Kellie and married Clyde Pickler.

That was when the trouble started.

The beatings came fast. Malone tried to shield her bulging belly and had to take medicine to temper premature contractions.

Kellie's birth in 1986 seemed to unleash even more violence in their home. Malone said she called police so many times that officers knew her by name.

Once, she said, her husband threw her through a glass shower door and choked her before vanishing.

For three days, Malone said, she wrapped Kellie in blankets and hid her behind their bed, in case her husband returned in a rage.

By the summer of 1988, Malone had had enough. She had shut down and could think of little more than survival.

"When you're in that place, you have to make a decision: her life or yours," Malone said during an emotional five-hour interview. "I'd given her life, but I didn't want to lose mine."

A mother's shame

The morning after an immobilizing beating, Malone said, she dropped 2-year-old Kellie off at her in-laws', stuffed a few items in her car and headed off to hide with family. She grabbed a few baby pictures, Kellie's baby blanket and the outfit she brought her home from the hospital in.

Malone told no one she was leaving.

A year later, Malone showed up at a custody hearing to try to preserve some custody rights to Kellie.

Clyde Pickler's parents, Clyde Sr. and the late Faye Pickler, asked a judge for full guardianship.

Malone said she disappeared again after her husband threatened her life.

Malone stayed gone for many years. She would drive by her former in-laws', though, and park near the road to catch a glimpse of Kellie playing in the yard. She looked happy, Malone recalled.

In 1995, Malone got herself together enough to reunite with her daughter. A judge granted her custody. Kellie was in the fourth grade.

Malone said it was good for about a day; the two baked cookies and played checkers.

Soon, their relationship unraveled.

Malone said Kellie desperately longed for her grandparents. She threw fits and threatened to kill herself, Malone said.

Kellie's grandparents alleged in court records that Malone abused Kellie; a judge found her not guilty of child abuse.

Eventually Malone surrendered, heartbroken. She turned Kellie back over to the Picklers and took off again.

"I don't know what was hardest," Malone said, "watching her from afar or having her wrapped up beside me."

Wondering about Kellie

It has been 10 years since the two have met. Malone said she lived for the glimpses of her daughter on "American Idol" in 2006. She recorded each episode and watched it again and again. She raves about Kellie's voice.

In the years since they have parted, Malone has struggled. She said she survived a series of violent relationships and barely escaped with her life in 2002.

An estranged husband lay in wait for her, Malone said, and attacked her. She suffered major brain damage and had to learn to walk and talk again.

She has had eight surgeries to rebuild a shattered face and replace her teeth.

She fled to Colorado after that attack and changed her last name to Malone through a protection program for victims of domestic violence.

She has kept a low profile since returning to North Carolina a few years ago. She works in financial services but declined to be specific about her whereabouts.

Malone is still wary one of her abusers will find her.

She doesn't want to address her daughter through the media and won't discuss their current relationship.

Pickler, who declined to comment for this story, landed a recording deal with BNA Records and 19 Recordings and left to launch her career.

She fills her mom in on her adventure in the last verse of "I Wonder."

And just in case you're
wondering about me
From now on I won't be in
Carolina
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off
Your little girl is off to
Tennessee.