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Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
I get it now. You guys do better when I give you less to work with. Another great collection of captions. I had to be brutal paring down the entries into a shortlist for our judges or it wouldn't have been a short list. Looks like I'll have to try harder to give you unimaginative images to work from. I think I can pull it off, though. Oh, and Christian Pike of Siler City, you're a hoot! Your comment on your Dad's serial forgetfulness gave me my best laugh of the day. (see below)

WINNER
(Roosevelt) "Twitter entry for today, ‘still staring at Lincoln. Still hasn't noticed yet'"
Grady, Greensboro
The first general consensus winner we've had in a while.

RUNNERS-UP
(Jefferson) "I can see Russia from here."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

(Teddy) We were lonely, it was dark. Let us not speak of the matter again.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

(George) Thomas, for the last time, GET YOUR HEAD OFF MY SHOULDE
Bryan Tribbett (TRIBB) Roanoke, Va.

(Jefferson) "OK, one of you guys be on the lookout, I'm gonna take a quick shut-eye."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Who Called This Meeting??"
Bob Fuller, Greensboro

(Jefferson) "I spy with my little eye...."
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

(Lincoln ) "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

BEST OBSCURE REFERENCE
Jefferson: "If Borglum says ‘Hold still, I'm almost done,' one more time…"
Don Byers, Greensboro

Washington: Mr Roosevelt has become tiresome.Fetch Mr. Borglum and his dynamite.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(The guy who sculpted Mt. Rushmore …)

Teddy Roosevelt to Lincoln:
There's just no room here for a Democrat.
Christian Pike; 7th grade Siler City
Hmmm … never thought about it, but actually this is correct. George was of no particular party, Jefferson was a Democratic-Republican (Although this is considered the beginning of the Democratic party) and Lincoln and Teddy were both Republicans.

Roosevelt: How come the Indian gets a horse?
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.
The Crazy Horse Monument, of course …

Roosevelt/Jefferson/Lincoln in unison: "Which way did they go, George? Which way did they go??"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro
Someone's been watching their Warner Brother's cartoons …

"Abe's friend from Easter Island wants to join us."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
The Statues on Easter Island, natch.

"Teddy - You will finally be joining the 'Currency Club.'" (New Dollar Coins)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
Really? I did not know this.

MATURE AUDIENCES
Washington: Jefferson, where's your hand???
Jefferson: George, is that a pine tree, or are you just happy to see me?
Jefferson: George farted on my leg.....AGAIN!
Bryan Tribbett (TRIBB) Roanoke, Va.

Teddy: Abe, I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable but you look really sexy when the light hits you just right.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Google mt rushmore's backside.You can see a photo of an outcropping of rock that looks just like a penis.The locals have named it clinton's rock.That is funnier than any caption I could create
Tribbett,Greensboro

Washington:I think they are starting to notice the yellow trees and giant piles of dung.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

George: Thomas that better be your foot.
Rick O'Reilly,Greensboro

Teddy: We were lonely,it was dark. Let us not speak of the matter again.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
None this week?

BEST POEM
(George)Oh I lived thru Valley Forge.
(Thomas)You've declared that often George!
(Teddy)Oh Abe had himself a Bull Run.
(Abe)That U.S. Grant sure could drink some rum!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
Roosevelt:I can see clearly now that Spain has gone.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
This may also belong in obscure cultural references.

From Washington's mouth to Abe:
"Hey Abe, how about an Emancipation Rocklamation?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Also a cultural reference contender

THE REST
"Sorry Abe. There's only room for one guy from Illinois up here."
Janet Brindle Reddick
Nation/World Editor News & Record
Get back to work, Janet

1.)Washington saying "Hey Teddy and Abe, I heard they might stick Bush or Obama in that opening between you guys! (snicker)
2.)Washington saying "Hey Abe,a penny for your thoughts."(snicker)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

The great minds of Rushmore all have one unceasing thought."Gosh darn it,my nose itches!"
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. Abraham Lincoln-Free at last, free at last! ( I think King's quote fits here)
Nancy Nelson

1.)Final score:Virginia 2,North carolina 0 (HA!)
2.)Teddy saying to Abe "Sometimes I feel there's a space between us.'
3.)Teddy saying,"Well Abe,if you would do something about your breath we would move back over."
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (but a proud native Virginian!)

2. Lincoln-Looks like change is a coming!
3. George Washington-I bet Obama has chopped down a few cherry trees in his day! 4. Thomas Jefferson-What Mountain do you think he'll get?
5. George Washington -Obama should evoke my proclamation of neutrality.
6. Abraham Lincoln-Honestly, do you think he can change this crumbling nation. 7.Thomas Jefferson-I hope he's respectful of everyone's liberties!
8. Theodore Roosevelt- He'll make a good Rough Rider!
9. T. Roosevelt-The White House needs more teddy bears!
Nancy Nelson

Roosevelt: "Are you guys as petrified about the campaign costs as I am?"
The competition for immortality is stiff
Never take election results for granite
Jefferson: "If Borglum says 'Hold still, I'm almost done,' one more time."
Lincoln: "Never did like these photo ops"
Roosevelt: "Hey, Abe. Do you think you could scratch my nose?"
Washington: "'Why don't we retire in South Dakota,' she said!"
Jefferson: "Rock on, Obama!"
Lincoln: "Mary did say she loved me for my chiseled features."
Roosevelt: "Keep a stiff upper lip, gentlemen."
Yes.it's lonely at the top
Washington: "Never let it be said we were just a bunch of talking heads."
Don Byers, Greensboro
Some good stuff here, Don.

That space between Abe and Teddy will be about right for Barack.
Ken Layton, Carthage

George: Stop griping. I know you're set lower on the mountain, Teddy, but we all would like to know just how you got up here in the first place.
Ken Layton, Carthage

"It was too early for Hillary, anyway."
"I was hoping for Tina Fay"
"I felt an electoral earthquake ..."
"Teddy - You will finally be joining the 'Currency Club.'" (New Dollar Coins)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
The Tina fey reference was a hit.

LINCOLN: Let me know when I need to scrunch up closer to Teddy.
LINCOLN: It's appropriate that he'll be next to me.
LINCOLN: He'll cast a mighty large shadow.
ROOSEVELT: Hey, we can always use a fifth for poker.
Joan Lux Greensboro
Like that last one

JEFFERSON: Fine, as long as he doesn't bring a bowling ball.
Bowling ball? Don't get it, but I love the absurdity of this.
Joan Lux Greensboro

1.)Jefferson to Teddy,"George wears a wig.Pass it on."
2.)George saying,"Tom,those two youngsters are acting up again!"
3.)Jefferson saying,"All those who don't think I'm the greatest president raise their hand."
4.)Jefferson saying," Hey look George,it's Magnum PI and his Amish sidekick."
(This one is kinda hard.Oh wait,nevermind!)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Roosevelt = What are you two so glum about? I'm the one who has to look at his nose all day.
George Subasavage, Greensboro

Presidents in unison: "All men are created equal...except wo-men."
I would prefer that my name not be used. Thank you.
I don't blame you

1.)Abe saying,"Guys,sometimes I feel there is a space between us."
2.)Jefferson saying,"Guys,I think George's teeth are hurting him again."
3.)Jefferson saying,"Hey guys,check out the hot tourist chick in the tank top"
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Lincoln saying,"HeyTom,check your nose.You've got a hanger."
2.)Teddy saying,"I can't see a darn thing without my glasses!"
3.)Washington saying,"I wish they had put us some place warmer."
4.)The presidents of rushmore have just one thought,"Where the heck is the rest of us?"
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Roosevelt: How come you guys are on money and I'm not?
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

George Washington, "Follow my lead."
James Durham-Greensboro

1. "WHY IS HE UP HERE NOW? HE JUST GOT ELECTED".
2. "HEY MAKE ROOM FOR THE NEW GUY."
3. "WHO IS BARACK, AND WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"
4. "WHO IS MICHELE OBAMA, AND WHAT IS SHE DOING UP HERE?"
5. "JUST BECAUSE HE MADE HISTORY DOES NOT MEAN HE SHOULD BE PUT IN FRONT OF ME".
6. "WHO IS THAT ONE?"
PAULA HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

"I spy with my little eye...."
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

Caption: "Who Called This Meeting??" or " Birds of a Feather - Flock Together".
Bob Fuller - Greensboro

1)? Lincoln:? "Well, fellas...we made it through another term without having to move...but I think 'Change' is coming."
2)? Washington:? "I see him coming guys...thank God ears aren't allowed up here!"
Skye Dalrymple, High Point

Lincoln: "One day President Bush's face will...okay, not even I can say that with a stone face."
"A lot of our forefathers were completely stoned."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Washington speaking.
Rember, I'm your father and you kids had better keep things on course.

Washington says: I heard W's not in the running for the fifth spot."
Rick Meehan, Graham

1.)Jefferson says,"Dude, I am so stoned."
2.)Teddy says,"Abe you've got a little moss growing in your right ear."
3.)Teddy says,"If he tells that Valley Forge story one more time I'll crack." 4.)Washington says,"If they turn this into a socialist country I'll demand a paternity test."
Tim Tribbett

Had a few for today's cartoon:
Roosevelt: "The 'you aren't on currency' argument is getting really old guys"

Roosevelt: "Twitter entry for today, 'still staring at Lincoln. Still hasn't noticed yet'"
All: "1,432,532,954,145 bottles of beer on the wall, 1,432,532,954,145 bottles of beer."
Jefferson: "Woah George, that's the 23rd bird to 'hit' you today! New record guys!
Roosevelt: "I heard if McCain won they were going to replace me with Joe the Plumber"
Grady Greensboro, NC

Lincoln: Why are you all looking at me like that??
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

GEORGE: "Abe, do you think there's enough room up here betwen you and T.R. for Sarah?"
James R. Hicks, Jr., Stokesdale

George Washington: "O K, guys, number 413 in the hymnal; Abe, you sing tenor.One, two, and: 'A charge to keep I have. . .'"
Submitted by Paul Bravender, High Point

The Christian Pike e-mails
(e-mail) Teddy Roosevelt to Lincoln:
There's just no room here for a Democrat.

(next e-mail) Forgot to give my name........Christian Pike; 7th grade Siler City

(next e-mail) Lincoln to everyone:
At least the three of you got a decent head of hair.
Christian Pike, Siler City

(next e-mail) George Washington to everyone:
Does anyone have a muffler....it's cold up here.

(next e-mail) My pop forgot to give my name..........
Christian Pike, Siler City

(next e-mail) Teddy Roosevelt to Lincoln:
There's just no room here for a Democrat.

(next e-mail) Again!!!!!! Pop has had a couple of scotches.........forgive him.....
Christian Pike, Siler City
Hee hee. And tell your Pop, "cheers!" for me.

Abe says "George, Teddy's looking at me. Make him stop!!!"
Linda Stratton, Greensboro
Like this one

1) Washington: All the people in this country and that was the best two they could come up with????
2) Jefferson: Its hard for me to look so serious with a pine tree tickling my "youknowwhatsies".
3) Lincoln: uhoh, I bet I get blamed for this one.
4) Jefferson: I spy with my little eye.............
5) Washington: Jefferson, I don't know what you're thinking about, but if you don't get that thing out of my back.....
6) Jefferson: PSSST, George, you have pigeon poop in your ear.
7) Roosevelt: Move over Abe, I think somebody new may be coming.
8) Washington: Jefferson, where's your hand???
9) Jefferson: George, is that a pine tree, or are you just happy to see me?
10) Roosevelt: O.K., Where the hell is that Dominos Pizza guy??
11) Lincoln: So guys, What do you want to do Today??? Same as yesterday?
12) Jefferson: George farted on my leg.....AGAIN!
13) Jefferson: Man! I was reeeeally hope'n to see that Palin chick up here. GRRRROWF!
14) Things worked out SO much better before today's media got involved
15) Jefferson: Hey George, remember when you used to have to actually accomplish something to get elected to President??
Bryan Tribbett (TRIBB) Roanoke, Va.

It has taken almost 150 years to get to this point.Whats next?
Wayne Smith

Roosevelt: O.K., Where the heck is that Dominoes Pizza guy???
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

Year: 2016
Rock Band: Mount Rushmore Quartet
Hit Song: "She'll be Comin' Around the Mountain"
Joan Lux Greensboro

1.(Abe)Penny for your thoughts. (Jefferson)If I had a nickel everytime you said that!
2.(Washington)Mr Jefferson,wouldst thou please remove thine head from my shoulder. 3(.Washington)Our great nation must have quite a large treasury surplus by now!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) George: I really wish we hadn't done Mexican for lunch.
2) George: Thomas, for the last time, GET YOUR HEAD OFF MY SHOULDER!
3) Roosevelt: Abe, Tom, Can't you two just leave me out of it and agree to disagree??
4) Roosevelt: How come the Indian gets a horse?
5) George: Man, what I wouldn't give for some chapstick.
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1.) Lincoln: So, after I catch this snipe you guys come and get me.Right?
2.)Teddy: Hey Abe,don't be so antisocial.
3.)Washington:If that eagle poops on my nose again I shall remove him as our national symbol!
4.)Washington: Don't make me come down there!
5.)Washington:As the father of the country I say it deserves a good sound spanking and no supper!
6.)Teddy:Chinese tonight?
7.)Teddy: Abe,I hope this doesn't make you uncomfortable but you look really sexy when the light hits you just right.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Nice stuff

Teddy: I love you guys.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Washington: Mr Roosevelt has become tiresome.Fetch Mr. Borglum and his dynamite.
2.)Jefferson: Fetch a pneumatic drill.Mr. Lincoln requests rhinoplasty.
3.)Teddy: We were lonely,it was dark. Let us not speak of the matter again.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Google mt rushmore's backside.You can see a photo of an outcropping of rock that looks just like a penis.The locals have named it clinton's rock.That is funnier than any caption I could create
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

OK, guys move over Obama's comming, he wants to be next to Abe.
Randy Payne, Greensboro

1) George: I wish you guys would learn some new jokes
2) George: Stop it Tom, You're gonna get me tickled
3) Jefferson: Geooooorgy, guess what I just did again!
4) Jefferson: 6980000000 bottles of beer on the wall........
Bryan Tribbett. Roanoke, Va.
Nice

1.) Lincoln:I never did get to see the end of that play.
2.)Lincoln: Curse my love of fine theater !!!
3.) Teddy:Have you guys seen the Clinton monument on the other side.
4.)Lincoln: It seem like four score and seven years ago since we ordered out.No tip for him!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
liked two and four, absolutely loved number one. A contender for winner in my book, but strangely, none of the other judges flagged it.

Look at George. He gets mad and turns his back on everybody.
We gotta stop going out and getting stoned.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

"From the looks of the economy, we should be Mt. Slowdown!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

George, I told you it was too early for Tina Fey's likeness.
Well, Greenspan was a good President, of sorts ....
Jon Barsanti Jr

Anne Theodore, Greensboro.
"Godspeed, Barack."

1.) Lincoln: So I says to Mary I need to see that freakin' play like I need a hole in the head!
2.) Lincoln:I hate it when the wind whistles thru my head! 3.)Washington:(snickering) What currency bears your image Mr. Roosevelt?
4.)The great men of rushmore have learned not to take life for granite.
5)Washington:I think they are starting to notice the yellow trees and giant piles of dung.
6.)Roosevelt:mmmmmmmmm doughnuts
7.)Jefferson:This view is freakin' unbelievable!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

ABE: Teddy, I promise you no one will ever come between us
George: Thomas that better be your foot.
Rick O'Reilly,Greensboro

Teddy:Gain weight? Lincoln:No, less drilling!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Jefferson: "I spy with my little eye."
Jefferson: "I spy with my little eye."
Washington: "I wish I had a nickel for every time he's said that."
Roosevelt/Jefferson/Lincoln in unison: "Which way did they go, George? Which way did they go??"
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

" Nobody's ' King of the Mountain ' here ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Guess Who's Coming to Dinner ? " ( says Lincoln to Others )
" Tillie, We have a Guest Coming for Thanksgiving Dinner. " ( says Lincoln to Others )
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1) Abe Lincoln: "Smile, guys. Thanks to me, we've got a new President"
2) Lincoln: "Finally! And you can thank me, Mr. Obama"
3) Penny for their thoughts!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

(Washington speaking) "I'm bored too, Abe, but after 400 ties another round of rock-scissors-paper seems pointless!"
Kevin Little
Ha

1.) Jefferson: No,no, I think that one is an alberta spruce and not a frazier fir Mr. Roosevelt.
2.)Jefferson: How many more tourists do you think we can devour before they start to take notice?
3.)Roosevelt:I can see clearly now that Spain has gone.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

(George)Oh I lived thru Valley Forge.
(Thomas)You've declared that often George!
(Teddy)Oh Abe had himself a Bull Run.
(Abe)That U.S. Grant sure could drink some rum !
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. "Hey Abe, I think we're stoned." (Roosevelt)
2. "I can see Russia from here." (Jefferson)
3. "Look out, pigeons at 12 o'clock!" (Jefferson)
4. "How was I to know she was a Gorgon?" (Roosevelt)
5. "Jefferson, stop yapping about Lewis & Clark." (Washington) "Was that Jerry Lewis and the Dave Clark 5?" (Lincoln)
6. Change happens even when it's carved in stone.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1.)Washington:Was that the McCain boy that served under me at Valley Forge?
2.) Jefferson:Young McCain was the finest page in the entire continental congress!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. Jefferson: " I see something .... blue!!
2. Lincoln to Roosevelt: "Teddy, I heard that you will be on the $3 bill!
Washington & Jefferson (in background): "Snicker, snicker"
3. Lincoln to Roosevelt: "Please Teddy, not the Charge Up San Juan Hill again!!"
4. Lincoln to group: " Hey, there is room for a skinny guy between Teddy an me!!"
5. Roosevelt to Lincoln: "We have something in common. I'm a good shot and you were shot!"
6. Roosevelt to group: "Why is my profile so low? I governed the most states and folks!"
7. Washington (reflecting): "Father of our Nation .. good. But why on the lowly $1 instead of the $100??
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

George Washington said: I never thought it would come to this.
Abe Lincoln said: If I had only known then whats happening now.
J. G. Harris, Stoneville

1. Washington: Smile guys, he has a camera
2. Washington: Hey Abe, I know who you are, but who are the other two guys?
3 Washington: Sorry you have a toothache Abe. It's tough getting a
dentist up here.
4. Abe: I don't think we have to worry about Bush's face crowding us.
5. Abe: We thought we had problems.
Dick Ellis Pleasant Garden

George: "Ever get that feeling someone's watching you?"
Thomas: "If I just stare into space, no one will smell it"
Teddy: "67 years! Burn that thing off already Abe!!!"
Abe: "Poetic, how I'm segregated isn't it"

"He won? I think I'm going to flip my whig." Washington
"Why do you think he's a bully, Teddy?" Jefferson
"I don't care if we are stuck together, I'm not supporting Proposition 8." Washington
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I liked that last one a lot.

1.) Washington:Fetch the jackhammers and dynamite.I wish to be alone 2.)Washington:Fetch the jackhammers and dynamite. Mr. Roosevelt no longer amuses us.
3.)Washington: You down there,yes you!! Stand up straight and tuck in that shirt! Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (Ok I am done for the week)
You sure?

"Abe's friend from Easter Island wants to join us."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Lincoln: And the other Nebraska city will now be called OMAha.
R. Timmins

"Why do they call us that? We haven't moved an inch in decades!"
"Do you think it's arthritis? I can't move an inch."
"Same old faces all the time. We need a change, too."
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Hey Abe, a penny for your thoughts."
"Hey guys I hear our postcard is outselling Stone Mountain's by 5 to 1."
"Hey Abe, how about an Emancipation Rocklamation?"
"This acid rain isn't good for any of our complexions."
"I know what they mean about solidarity now."
"Ever since last month's earthquake our fung swei has been off."
"Pass the BENGAY, I feel like I've got a chisel in my back."
"Want to try a Certs Teddy?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Jefferson: "Any of you guys know if they'll deliver a pizza out here?"
Jefferson: "Hey!! Let's call out for a pizza!"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Lincoln: "I think we'd better make way for the new guy!"
Lincoln: "I heard they've been looking for some black granite to make some renovations up here... it's about time!"
Lincoln: "I heard they've had a sculptor practicing with some black granite... any of you know why?"
Lincoln: "Gosh it would be nice to have someone new to talk to."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

Washington: "Do any of you ever get the feeling that we're being watched?"
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

Lincoln: "Oh Wow, Man. I feel really Stoned."
Washington: "OK, I'll start. 'Row, row, row your boat....' "
Roosevelt to Jefferson: "OK, this time, You be Ringo."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I really liked the last one. One of the last eliminated

Roosevelt: "You guys know that I'm FINE with the new guy coming, don't you?"
(To Tim, There you go making me actually do Research and LEARN something again!!)
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Just doing my job, Ma'm.

From Washington's mouth to Abe: "Hey Abe, how about an Emancipation Rocklamation?"
From Lincoln's mouth to Teddy: "Want to try a Certs Teddy?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Rocklamation? I like that.

Washington: "I sure would like to sit down for a spell."
Roosevelt: "Golly, I've been standing for so long that my legs have gone to sleep."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Jefferson: "I wonder if there's a bathroom close by?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Washington: "I sure would like to take a short nap."
Jefferson: "OK, one of you guys be on the lookout, I'm gonna take a quick shut-eye."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

Roosevelt: "You think that anyone's going to remember that 'Speak Softly and Carry A Big Stick' thing that I said?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

This week's theme is inspired by the recent election (although captions do NOT have to be about this election.) You can write dialog or a caption. If dialog, specify which President(s) is talking.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
Once again no consensus -- every judge picked different captions. You guys are either getting better at writing captions or we're getting worse at picking them. Some great Sleepy Hollow captions in this week's Best Cultural References section on the JOY blog. As well as a few very funny gags in the MATURE category, mostly from the Tribbett brothers.

WINNER
I'm an organ donor. If things go bad, just make a pie.
Bill Wallace, High Point

RUNNERS-UP
Just turn it around and start over.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

I want a less seasonal look.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"It's okay. I'm used to going under the knife."
Don Byers

"During the operation, I think you left a candle in me."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Doc, I feel a little light headed."
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville FL

"Everything's fine...until my horse gets hungry."
Ian Knight, Greensboro

"There's something wrong with my face? I just came in to get a wart off my finger."
Ken Layton, Carthage

Oh, I'm not here about the pumpkin. I'm thinking gluteal implants.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Too many "Linus" jokes to list

"It would've worked too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"So does Penny ever ask about me?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Is this from the poem?

"This really isn't what I meant by George Hamilton's skin color..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"You come highly recommended from County Agent Hank Kimble."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Alton Brown said you did a great job with Mr. Potato Head ...
Jon Barsanti Jr., Hillsborough, NC

And now for some Sleepy Hollow references …
My name is "Bones," "Brom Bones."
Katrina has tired of my scaring little children.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Yah, I used to be a verry handzome Hessian zoldier until the Yankees cut off mine head.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Can you make house calls?You see there's this covered bridge
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

It's not your reputation, it's just that I don't have to cross any bridges to get here."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

And the movie …
"Can you give me any features that look a little more Hessian?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Just don't let my teeth show thru like they did for Christopher Walken."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I'll let CC herself explain this one …
When the Headless Horseman is about to kiss Catrina's stepmother, you can see his actual teeth behind the filed ones. Christopher Walken's teeth are blacked out and their outline is visible against his tongue during the closeup of his face.

"This is overdue...Did you see me next to Johnny Depp?
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Are you the same one who worked on Mr. Potato Head a few weeks ago?"
Ian Knight, Greensboro
Good one, Ian

"This shoulda been last week's Joke!"
Bill Beerman
You too, Bill

BEST CAPTION FOR A MATURE AUDIENCE
You should see where the zuccinni is.
Bryan Tribbett

I'm fine with the pumpkin but I would like to upgrade the baby carrot.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"So the procedure left me with a low seed count?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1) Pull my finger and see if you smell pumpkin
2) and my father said " Hey its just a pumpkin and no one will ever know."
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

...and my Dad was lonely one night and thought " Hey, it just a pumpkin and no one would ever know".
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

POETRY CORNER
There once was a Hessian called Stanky,
Whose head was shot off by a yankee,
He now roams Sleepy Hollow seeking revenge,
That dude will cut off your noggin in a blood soaked binge,
But after a good tiring head chopping horse chase,
He thinks,"Why the crap did I ever leave Germany in the first darn place?!"
name withheld

THE REST
1.)Do you really think a boob job will help?
2.)Please don't give that stuck in a wind tunnel look
3.)If you're going to make me look like Joan Rivers I think I prefer the pumpkin
4.)Everytime I make out with a chick they get a mouthful of seeds.
5.)Can you at less take out the seeds.
6.)Nothing major,just even up the mouth a little.
7.)After Halloween this gets to be a bit of a bummer.
8.) First,we chop off Brad Pitt's head and put it in an ice chest then.......
9.) Can you make the eyes oval?Who has triangles for eyes for cripes sake!
10.)Can you do something about the smell?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Lot's of good stuff, Tim

1.)I'm just riding along minding my own business and they start screaming and running! (sniff)
2.)They keep calling me pumpkin head Doc!
3.)Just turn it around and start over.
4.)This is what happens when you let a kid carve your face!
5)Can you at least give me a nose and ears?
6.)I'm tired of people putting candles in my head!
7.)I'm not the happy go lucky guy people think I am!
8.)It's really hard to get new pumpkins out of season!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I can't seem to get ahead in life, doc."
"Is this do-able.or am I out of my gourd?"
"The name is Jack O. Lantern. Pleased to meet you."
"I don't want to live life as a vegetable."
"The last guy butchered the job on my face. Can you do anything?"
"It's okay. I'm used to going under the knife."
"Is looking good once a year too much to ask?"
"Will Botox take out some of these deep lines?"
Don Byers, Greensboro
Some good ones here

1. This head isn't working, it's too seasonal!
2. Linus saw me in the pumpkin patch this year!
3. I thought you were a plastic surgeon!!
4. This head is starting to smell bad.
5. I'm tired of being called melon head.
6. It's hot in here!
7. Everyone's trying to knock it off!
8. I need you to smash it!
9. First no head, now pumpkin head!
10. I wanted a plastic head not this thing!
11. Don't you have one that looks more like you?!
12. Linus is my biggest fan!
13. Linus thinks I'm the Great Pumpkin!
Nancy Nelson

"Everyone keeps calling me Jack! My name is Barack!
Dennis Kays, Greensboro

14. Would you please stop snickering !
15. It's not that funny!
16. It's stuck and I need you to remove it!
17. Knock it off!
18. Now you're just being RUDE!
Nancy Nelson

I would like to look like a Turkey.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

19. Instead of being a legend, I'm just hollow!
20. What's next a Turkey head with feathers?!
21. It's just too heavy!
22. No, I do not want to gobble!
Nancy Nelson

"It doesn't really matter how it got there, just get it off..."
"It was a dare...Alright?!?!?"
"Given my choices at the time I think this works MUCH better than the Turkey..."
"...he said it wouldn't fit and I said it would fit and here we are..."
"I tried corn first but I couldn't see through all the birds..."
"Well I started with a squash but everyone just pointed and laughed..."
"The look is just so dated....now they have these great pumpkin carving kits..."
"...and the neighborhood kids are mean...they call me 'Pits For Brains'"
"Well how would this make YOU feel?"
"Nope...Fruit Fresh doesn't help one bit..."
"Carrot Top said you were the best in the business so here I am."
"It would've worked too if it wasn't for those meddling kids!"
"So does Penny ever ask about me?"
"So did you get to keep the robot or did he stay with Will?"
"I'm interested in a tummy tuck, why...what did you THINK I was here for?"
"I've tried the Petroleum Jelly route but it makes my head so slippery..."
"Well, the bottle said that if it lasted more than 4 hours I should seek medical attention..."
"It was a Kite-Eating Tree and I was HORRIFIED."
"...and grapes don't seem to work very well on the sunny days..."
"Any chance you could get me Michael Jackson's nose?"
"I don't think my last Botox injections are working too well..."
"I was hoping to maybe get a chemical peel?"
"This really isn't what I meant by George Hamilton's skin color..."
"I'm not really sure HOW many pumpkins it takes to make a pie...why?"
"Is there any chance I can keep it? My wife loves to bake this time of year."
"Every time my wife preheats the oven I get worried so it's time for a change..."
"NO! Not the guy from the Charlie Brown cartoon..."
"Yeah...I've tried Pumpkin Fresh but you can only get it online and I'm in a hurry..."
"If one more kid puts a candle in my butt I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt somebody..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Brad Pitt? I'd settle for Boris Karloff."
Ken Layton, Carthage
"There's something wrong with my face?. . . I just came in to get a wart off my finger."
Ken Layton, Carthage

With all that political talk about change, I thought what the heck, it might work for me too.
Pam Hart, Siler city

Hair plugs are all I need, don't you think?
So what color with the bruising be?
I picked you, Doctor, because you did Kenny Rogers.
I'm in show biz -- a punkin rock band.
And then a dentist to fix my snaggle teeth.
My parents called me "Punkinhead" -- and then it came true.
I guess I'm just tired of being called "pumpkinhead."
I've already tried all those expensive eye creams.
I don't like the triangular shape of my eyes.
Joan Lux Greensboro

" Fix'n Me Doc, Should Be Easy As Pie ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1.)I can't pay you but you can use the leftovers for a pie.
2.)The other doctors gave me your name and then laughed.
3.)Can I see photos of previous carvings?
4.)Just a little off the stem please.
5.)Nose job? Heck man ,I need a head job!
6.)Just try something.You really can't make this much worse!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I've actually been under the knife before"
"My last procedure was a hack job!"
"No, no...all I want is a little botox."
"This is overdue...Did you see me next to Johnny Depp?
"I've got a new job and the headless bus driver doesn't click."
"Does it look like I care about the risk?"
"It'll cost what - you must've lost YOUR head!"
"What do you mean, you're a doctor not a magician?"
"I don't want anything radical like Michael Jackson got."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Some good ones here

So what color will the bruising be?
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Doc, I'm a little light headed."
"When I said I wanted to look like Jack I meant Jack Black, not Jack O Lantern."
"When I said I wanted to look like Jack I meant Jack Black."
"I want a nose and some ears Doc, so my glasses stay on."
"My wife complains because I keep losing my head".
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

"No more candles, doc, I want a permanent facial glow!"
"Everything's fine...until my horse gets hungry."
"Last plastic surgery, I got mistaken for a Trick-or-Treat bag."
"Are you the same one who worked on Mr. Potato Head a few weeks ago?"
Ian Knight, Greensboro

"Yes, I know that I mentioned that I'd like to be a Vegetarian, but this isn't what I had in mind!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Let's face it Doc...'Punkin' Head' was a lot more enduring when I was a child."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1.) Do you really think a watermelon would look better?
2.) I'd like to change to a flaming skull to go with my new motorcycle.
3.)Maybe something else in the squash family?
4.)Nothing against Mrs.Hansen's 2nd grade class but I think you can probably do better!
5.) I have a few fresh heads outside if you would like me to model them.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) "This shoulda been last week's Joke!"
2) "Im loosing it--couldn't find my patch"
3) "I'm just a left-over"
4) "No tricks--just treat me!"
5)"Can you make a pie outta me?
Bill Beerman
Number 5 was on the right track …

1) I was thinking more of a watermelon look.
2) And when your done feel free to make a pie from the left overs.
3) People accuse me of having a spray on tan.
4) I just don't feel people accept me the way I am.
5) It's probably more noticable to me.
6) You should see where the zuccinni is.
7) I'm just tired of people calling me Jack.
8) Just some ears, nobody remembers the ears.
9) Why are you looking at me that way? your thinking about pie again aren't you??
10) If I looked normal I would probably give up this whole beheading thing
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I was a normal guy before I went to Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon!
2.) So,how are you at head transplants?
3.)When you say eyelift it makes me think you're missing the big picture.
4.) I used to throw it a people but they're hard to replace out of season.
5.) I will have to chop your head off after the surgery. No offense,it's just what I do.
6.) I'm sure you must have carved jack o lanterns as a kid.
7.)Can you carve a smile? I've had anger management classes.
8.) I usually have my cosmetic surgery done at the grade school.
9.) It's hard to get on a plane with this head on a photo ID.
10.)What kind of implants did you have in mind?
11.) I really don't think a tummy tuck will help.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"It feels like I'm being taunted 364 days out of the year."
"I brought a template to go by."
"I'm just tired of being considered "Great"."
"I want softer, less angular features."
"Can I draw what I want on the back of your head?"
"I'm just afraid as I fade, I'll look more "squashy"."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Nice stuff

Oh, I'm not here about the pumpkin.I'm thinking gluteal implants.
2.)I'm fine with the pumpkin but I would like to upgrade the baby carrot.
3.)What do you mean work on my head ?What's wrong with my head?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Ifs hardth ta talkth wifh thiss moupth ands no tonguest
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

How can I see whose head I'm chopping? I have no freakin' eyeballs!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Please change my head.Some weird little kid with a blanket is stalking me!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Let's do an acorn squash---so people don't think I'm completely off my gourd."
I don't want it enhanced -- I want it OFF.
My insurance company says this is elective surgery.
Joan Lux Greensboro

I've been working for more than two centuries to get insurance approval.
And you could share it with the operating room staff.
I'm a patient man . . . and long-lived as well.
But think of all the free advertising if you pull this off.
My name is "Bones," "Brom Bones."
Katrina has tired of my scaring little children.
I'm sure you've heard all of this before . . . .
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Given the economy, let's go with genuinely frightened."
"During the operation, I think you left a candle in me."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I've worked for more than two centuries to get insurance approval.
And no press releases -- I'm traveling incognito.
And you could share it with the operating room staff.
I'm a patient man . . . and long-lived as well.
Think of the free advertising if you pull this one off.
My names is "Bones," "Brom Bones."
Katrina is tired of my scaring children . . . and some adults.
But I'm sure you've heard all of this before.
And I'll let you use my personal pumpkin-carving tool kit.
Joan Lux Greensboro

1.)My mom was a pumpkin and my dad was a really drunken sailor.
2.)Yah, I used to be a verry handzome Hessian zoldier until the Yankees cut off mine head.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) I was thinking more of a watermelon look.
2) And when your done feel free to make a pie from the left overs.
3) People accuse me of having a spray on tan.
4) I just don't feel people accept me the way I am.
5) It's probably more noticable to me.
6) You should see where the zuccinni is.
7) I'm just tired of people calling me Jack.
8) Just some ears, nobody remembers the ears.
9) Why are you looking at me that way? you're thinking about pie again aren't you??
10) If I looked normal I would probably give up this whole beheading thing
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I was thinking of going with a painted on face.
2.)Mr. Irving originally did my face but his work was a little sketchy
3.)A cannon ball knocked off my head and all I got was this lousy pumpkin!
Can you make house calls?You see there's this covered bridge....
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) It's hard to get a head in life when you look like this!
2.)The guys at the produce section know me by name.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

The only upside is I only have two "S"s to take care of in the morning.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

23. I look ridiculous, don't I?!
24. Unbelieveable, right?!
25. I got more dates when I was Headless!
26. What do you mean I smell like pumpkin pie!
27. I have a real problem, everyone wants to put candles in me!
28. Doc, I'm getting headaches now!
29. I'm a soldier I deserve respect!
30. I need a do-over!
31. My horse even neighs at me!
32. Can I have a brain, hair, eyeballs, a nose, teeth, a tongue...?!
Nancy Nelson

" I want my money back."
" You only heard part. I asked for stem CELLS."
" Was this your first Halloween operation?"
" I said to work on my SQUASH, not pumpkin."
" I was kidding when I said trick or treat."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown
I liked the first one. Silly.

"A Zoltar Machine was in the pumpkin patch. I asked for a new head!"
"I found this Zoltar Machine in the pumpkin patch"
"Strange cider. Fell asleep then work up like this"
"Our family has this unusual gene..."
"The Great Pumpkin did this!"
"The seeds are driving me crazy!"
"This is a bad carving, I wanted a smile"
"I would like to add a nose"
"I would like a nose job, a need one"
"Can you transplant heads or at least do a face off"
"The face cream can from a remote Wicca shop"
"The Halloween face cream was on special!"
"I don't like "Pumpkin Head". Can you replace it with a large zucchini?"
"I decided in haste that we Cranes has been headless too long"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Doc, I feel a little light headed."
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

I want a less seasonal look.
I was a potato head, now a pumpkin head, I want to be a Quince.
I want to look like Ichabad Crane
I want a smile that goes up - and some straighter teeth.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Granny's already called my old head for pumpkin pie!"
"Ever since the cutlass accident, I'm a little scared about going under the knife."
"There's a downside, Doc. All the headhunters will stop calling."
"You're planning to take the skin from WHERE?"
"Do you think this will ruin my image?"
Kris Voy

I am waiting to see who wins the election
I am getting ready for Four years on SNL
I am looking for a Potato Head look
Nearly Headless Nick is my ideal look
A butternut squash nose will make me look like Jimmy Durante ...
Alton Brown said you did a great job with Mr. Potato Head ...
I am going for a Michael Jackson transformation ... sans fire.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"So the procedure left me with a low seed count?"
"Happy Birthday!"
"C'mon doc, you're making me blush."
"Well, now I have this burning sensation."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1) Pull my finger and see if you smell pumpkin
2) and my father said " Hey its just a pumpkin and no one will ever know."
3) Your name isn't Peter Peter by any chance is it?
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

" Awww, come on Doc - you promised - - you gotta fix it
This look is passe - - besides, my 'all-spice ' has expired!!
Pat Vaughn, Madison

"So none of my seeds could be saved?"
"Can we try a chemical peel?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

There once was a Hessian called Stanky,
Whose head was shot off by a yankee,
He now roams Sleepy Hollow seeking revenge,
That dude will cut off your noggin in a blood soaked binge,
But after a good tiring head chopping horse chase,
He thinks,"Why the crap did I ever leave Germany in the first darn place?!"
name withheld

So if we can make the change into a turnip before Thanksgiving, I think I might have a chance.
I've been terrified ever since I moved in next door to Peter Peter. What are my options?
You just carved my face before Halloween and already my eyes and mouth are sagging.
And you think a prosthetic nose will make me look more natural?
My brother Mr. Potato Head is the lucky one. He came with spare parts.
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

"I'd like something a little less festive."
"I'm looking for something smaller.. maybe a gourd."
"I went a little overboard with the carving knife. Can you fix it?"
"Michael Jackson says you're the best."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

...and my Dad was lonely one night and thought " Hey, it just a pumpkin and no one would ever know".
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

"I've heard what you've done for Jack Frost, the Bearded Lady, and Pamela Anderson."
"You were right, you warned me about getting too much sun."
"It flares up every year around this time."
"Sure, I burn the candle at both ends."
"You come highly recommended from County Agent Hank Kimble."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

It's not your reputation, it's just that I don't have to cross any bridges to get here."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"So you see Doc, I'd like to keep the basics since I'm pretty famous, but can you give me more character?"
"Can you give me any features that look a little more Hessian?"
"I've seen your work; can you give me the 'Michael Jackson' nose?"
"Well, it's got to be durable because I do a show a night where my head goes up into flames."
"Well, it's got to be durable because I do a nightly show where my head goes up into flames."
"The only person I can think of that might remember what I looked like is Ichabod Crane."
"In Sleepy Hollow, they say you're the best."
"Well, my insurance is a Military HMO, but it's Hessian, so I doubt you're in network."
"I'd like something that makes me look smart and happy, but not goofy, with lots of emotion, but not seasonal... probably what you get everyday."
"I'd like something with lots of expression, but not seasonal."
"I'd like something timeless, but not seasonal."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Just don't let my teeth show thru like they did for Christopher Walken."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Let's face it Doc...'Punkin' Head' was a lot more enduring when I was a child."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"And I said to my barber "I want a little off the top."
"Can you help? I feel so empty inside."
Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

" Sorry, Pumpkinhead."
"Doctor, I need some lips."
" It not that funny."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

Since I'm still in a Halloween mood, next week's cartoon stays in the same macabre spirit. It's the headless horseman visiting a plastic surgeon.
Go nuts.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
I was afraid this would happen. I left you very little room for interpretation on this one so virtually all entries are within spitting distance of each other in many areas. Here's where the little things like wording and timing counts most of all.

WINNER
"So how do you like your new job, Sis?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
This took a different take than all other captions. Simple. fits with the drawing.

RUNNERS-UP
"Ahhh, I see ve're in the same line of vork!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"So you say you're having some difficulty obtaining a photo ID of me??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Welcome back, CC. We've all missed you.

Of course I won't bite. Professional courtesy.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

Can you give me some pointers?
Tribbett, Greensboro
Great stuff this week Tim. As usual.

"All of my assets are liquid."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Match.com" really got it right this time!
Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

"What an honor! I've always admired your work!"
Kevin Little

"Are Ya Hirin'?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Finally, someone I can take home to mother!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"...so he says Hocus, Pocus and I fall to the floor and land on my head!"
"Wait, Wait, Watch This...Abraca-Pocus!!!!'
Bob Mannary
Bob, you've watched waaayyyy too many Bugs Bunny cartoons. I should know.

"I made just One...ONE Dollar this year!! Ha, Ha, Ha..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
… and Sesame Street.

Lets count 1, 2, 3, .....
Alan Parrish, Clemmons

"If I could pass on to my next life, I'd want to be an IRS agent." "Whew...imprisoned...I thought I was gonna be impaled."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Paging Count Vlad ….

"OOHH this is scary kids."
(a la Count Floyd, SCTV, circa, 1983.)
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)You're cold blooded but I'll check it and see.
( I got a fever of seventy-three)
Can I claim Van Helsing? The guy practically lives at my place!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Can I deduct my cane? I need it to beat poor Willy.
(have to be really old to get that one)
Terrible Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Occupation ... I am a hemaphoresis specialist"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
Basically, it means drawing blood …

Abracadabra not hocus pocus
(won't get that one I bet) Transylvanian Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
bet I will …

1,2,3,4 ...4 deductions hahahaha
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Tim Tribbett, meet Bob Mannary, Bob, meet Tim …

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Our son Tim is doing editorial cartoons now!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
Can I have a bloodweiser
I need a blood-lite!
Nancy Nelson

But I've always filed as "Dead of household"
Bill Wallace, High Point

"I understand I owe some bat taxes."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

BEST CAPTION OBVIOUSLY MEANT FOR A PREVIOUS CARTOON
Ever had an itch you couldn't scratch?
Rich Stephenson
(for last week's match cartoon)

THE REST
Must I remind you, madam, that it is and always has been MY job to suck the life out of the people!
Cary Mullinnix, Trinity

1.)I'm applying for the graveyard shift.
2.)And you won't even have to pay me.
3.)There's no need to discuss a salary.
4.)When can I start!
5.)Wow, I thought I was the most heartless bloodsucker around!
6.)I prefer the night shift if possible.
7.)The taxes on that castle are like a stake in the heart!
Tim Tribbett, Greenboro

1. And they call me a bloodsucker!
2. I owe how many gallons...!
3. Since when did they start taxing the DEAD?
4. Lady, that's the scariest costume ever!
5. Can I pay in blood?
6. Well I'm presently unemployed!
7. How much credit can I get for a gallon of blood?
8. Did you know blood is thicker than water?
9. Well my investments went sour!
10. Don't be depressed things will get better.
11. You already have my blood, sweat and tears!
12. I need more time, I have to go to the bloodbank!
13. Haven't you heard we' re in a recession!
14. You have the most beautiful neck!
15. Can I take you out for a drink?
16. Bite me!
17. Did you say you only want me to bite the UNEMPLOYED?!
18. Can I take you for a bite?
Nancy Nelson

Ahh, you see, my dear, that's your mistake. I only make withdrawals.
Jay Moore, Jamestown

1.)You guys are my idols!
2.)Can you give me some pointers?
3.)You say you want to tax the blood I drink?
4.)I'm here for the night time position.
5.)You would make a great vampire dear!
6.)Wow,even I'm a little scared right now!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

19. Can I take you out for a bite?
20. Fang it!
21. You are so beautiful to me!
22. After Halloween I'll have plenty of...!
23. I'm counting on a big turnout the evening of election day!
24. No, I do not eat people!
25. I'm a sucker just to be sitting here!
26. Hurry up lady, the sun is coming up!
Nancy Nelson

That's a charitable deduction for some surplus I gave to the Red Cross.
That's a loss deduction -- my blood bank stock was way down this year.
That's a loss deduction -- my blood bank stock has really taken a dive.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"I've come to you for a few tips on blood-sucking."
"What do you mean I can't list my coffin as a deductible?"
Ken Layton, Carthage
The first one was one of the last contenders not to make it.

"I was born in Transylvania in 1855 and I've never been audited before."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

It's a loss deduction for a failed turnip farm -- you can't get blood . . . .
It's a loss deduction for my failed turnip farm startup.
The dental deductions are legit -- fang specialists aren't cheap.
No, no -- Transylvania in Europe, not North Carolina.
I like your looks -- are you an "O"?
It's not a costume -- these are my work clothes.
You're sucking the blood out of me!
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1) "And I thought I knew how to suck people dry!"
2) "I'd love to help you, but honestly you are better at this than I am"
3) "Wait wait...I have to pay property taxes on my coffin??"
4) "I owe back taxes from 1897??"
5) "Wow...that's alot...guess it's time to sell some blood again"
6) "If I donate blood, can I deduct that?"
7) "You will forget I filed late...you will forget I filed late...you will forget..."
8) "I think you'd be much more effective at grave robbing than Igor ever was"
9) "That's a lovely perfume you're wearing...money is it?"
10) "I swear, I didn't lie on my taxes. I really was born in 1430"
11) "I have a question. I didn't see a 'bat of household' option on my W-2"
Grady Saunders, Greensboro

27. This sucks!
28. You look ghoulicious.
29. I don't have a ghost of a chance do I?!
30. I'll be leaving like a bat out of hell!
31. Will this be a trick or a treat?
You're not Buffy are you?!
32. Now pumpkin, you're scaring me!
32. If this goes badly, I'll haunt you until the day you die!
Nancy Nelson

"I'm here to take what Wall Street hasn't"
Terry Brown, Pleasant Garden

33. I'm green with envy, at least you have a job!
34. With the high price of blood these days, I have to feed on humans!
35. With the slow economy everyone staying home at night.
36. Come out with me and we'll have a bloody good time!
37. What's that perfume you're wearing ,GARLIC!
38. What, you're putting a stake thru my heart!
Nancy Nelson

But how was I supposed to know, "Suck the life out of ‘em" was a cliché?
Skye Dalrymple, High Point

"And they call ME a Blood Sucker?!?!?"
"Always nice to meet a distant relative!"
"Oooh...Vickie...Your costume is MUCH scarier than mine this year!"
"Willie is going to FREAK when WE show up at Farm Aid this year!"
"Are Ya Hirin'?"
"Got any openings in auditing?"
"I made just One...ONE Dollar this year!! Ha, Ha, Ha..."
"The trips to Transylvania WERE for business!"
"...so he says Hocus, Pocus and I fall to the floor and land on my head!"
"Wait, Wait, Watch This...Abraca-Pocus!!!!'
"I understand your reluctance to stick your neck out for somebody like myself..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Ethanol from corn makes a profit -- blood from turnips doesn't.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Several "blood from turnips gags this week. The concept is a bit of a stretch.

1."You suck more life out people than I do, how can I get a job?"
2."How can you tax me for bleeding people dry, when you're the real blood suckers"
Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro
Nice

"I thought I was the one who sucks the blood out of people".
Paula Metts, Jamestown
Nice

"Well, my job is seasonal and the economy has hit me pretty hard....most people have already been sucked dry".
Hi, I'm Joe the Plumber. I make under $250,000 per year so I'm getting a tax cut, right?
"....and I thought I was the scary one".
"Hey, great costume....very scary".
Cheryl Lowe, McLeansville

"And they call me a bloodsucker!"
"It appears we're in the same business."
"You're just my bloodtype!"
"Sure, I'll pay another visit to Willie Nelson's house!"
"Death and taxes...there's gotta be a joke here somewhere!"
"So not even death exempts you from taxes!"
"The old adage is wrong, taxes is the ONLY thing that's certain!"
"I knew you had roots in Transylvania!"
"If I could pass on to my next life, I'd want to be an IRS agent."
"Whew...imprisoned...I thought I was gonna be impaled."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
The first two are very strong

"I Can't Deduct the Interest On My Coffin?"
Mark K McIntyre, High Point

Wanna join our union-the International Brotherhood of Bloodsuckers?
Of course I won't bite-professional courtesy.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

39. I'm not coffin up any more taxes!
40. The IRS is the bloodthirsty ghoul here!
41. I can fix it so you'll live forever!
42. I'll stake my life on that!
43. Would you mind taking that cross off while I'm here!
44. Let me reflect on that for a moment!
45. Do I look okay, I can't see myself in your mirror!
46. Sorry, I run the costume shop down the street!
47. Happy Halloween!
48. Got any candy?!
49. I'm running about a pint low!
50. Can I borrow your neck?!
51. I can see you sense my fear!
52. I feel a mist coming on!
53. If you let me go, I'll send you Obama and McCain to audit!
Nancy Nelson

" Oh man, girl, it is Halloween, but could you choose something less frightening next time?!"
Jordan Frye, Greensboro

"And now, my dear, we're going to play a game called role reversal where
I'll suck the blood from you......"
Kay Davis, Climax.

Read my lips, I did not cheat on my taxes.
Do I look like someone who would lie to you?
As the devil is my witness I am telling the truth.
How does a week end in Vegas sound?
Don Rankin, Greensboro

You mean I can't deduct expenses for Count Chocula?
Suzette Winkler, Asheboro

I have lots of "blood relatives". How many exemptions can I claim?
Are the "undead" required to file?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

IN SPEAKING FROM ONE BLOOD SUCKER TOO ANOTHER ...
Douglas Stanley

"But the agreement was, I will get their blood!"
Linda Parrish, Greensboro

"Bite me."
"This really bites."
"OOHH this is scary kids."
(a la Count Floyd, SCTV, circa, 1983.)
"Look into my eyes, yes, yes."
"I have a pine box full of receipts."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1 - "But, you can't get blood out of a turnip."
2 - "What do you mean Halloweens been banned until I pay my taxas."
3 - "Can we work out a payment plan?"
4 - "Yea, Yea, can I see some paper work?"
5 - " I never heard of a Form 1040"
6 - "We can't lose the Best Costume contest if you go an IRS agent and I'll go as the Devil."
Kenneth Chambers

"We have so much in common!"
"Have you noticed how much we have in common?"
"I'm applying for the Internal Revenue Agent position."
"So my resume clinched it?"
"We'll make the perfect team! I'll bite them and you drain them dry."
"It's foolproof! I'll bite them and you drain them dry."
"I'm so glad you liked my resume!"
"We'll make the perfect team. I'll bite them and you drain them dry."
"It's foolproof. I'll bite them and you drain them dry."
"I'm so glad you liked my resume."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
The first one was a strong contender

Is it true you people can get blood from a turnip?
I see neither one of us can go out in the sunlight.
No madam. I am not on a cereal box.
I assure you madam...anti-coagulant is a necessary business expense.
Now I know how it feels to get the bite!
Lets count 1, 2, 3, .....
$5,300 for dental work is a business expense.
Look into my eyes and repeat, "You get a refund this year".
Alan Parrish, Clemmons

It's sooo nice to meet another bloodsucker!
Tim Merritt, Jamestown

1.)Wow,I thought I was a heartless depraved bloodsucker!
2.)I would bite you but even I have some standards.
3.)Blood banks are taxable?
4.)You AB negatives are all alike!
5.)Yes,fang maintenance IS a business deduction and in a second I'll demonstrate why!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1. How about I suck you dry for a change ?
2. Coincidentally I was an IRS agent when I was alive.
3. Boy ! I thought I was cold.
Does that stand for - I really suck ?
Bill Everhart, Greensboro

54. Boo!
55. Boo, who, who!
56. I'd like to do the Monster Mash with you.
57. Just gaze into my eyes!
58. Let me spirit you away to Transylvania!
59. Is that a hawthorn in your hair!
59. I'm Count Dracula, I don't make math mistakes!
60. Need a vacation, I'll fly you to Transylvania.
61. I Hope you'll be quick, I have a dental appointment at 7 pm.
62. Be afraid be very afraid!
(35) With the slow economy everyone's staying at home at night.
63. Hurry up, it's time for my coffin break!
64. Good you're not wearing any metal!
65. This is ghastly!
66. How macabre!
67. Give me liberty or give me death!
68. The UNDEAD don't have to pay taxes, do they?!
Nancy Nelson

1.)You're cold blooded but I'll check it and see.
2.)How about stepping out for a bite?
3.)Let me show you why fang maintenance is a legitimate deduction!
4.)Ima Longneck,what a lovely name!
5.) I would turn you into a heartless bloodsucker but that would be redundant.
6.)Can I claim Van Helsing?The guy practically lives at my place!
7.)Sun block is a legitimate deduction!
8.)Yeah,Tomb of Dracula was a great comic!
(I prefered Werewolf by Night)
1.)Carfax Abbey is my vacation home for biting English chicks.
2.)That head chopper Van Helsing cost me three dependents!
3.)If I find their heads can I still claim them?
4.)Wow, 500 years of back taxes really adds up !
5.) In my day I found impalement to be a very effective means of discouraging tax evasion!
Terrifying Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.)Welcome to your first day at the IRS training academy.
2.)So,after you drain the blood you leave the lifeless corpse to rot. Any questions?
3.)Look into my eyes.You will not audit me (and you think bugs are delicious.)
4.)Can I deduct my cane? I need it to beat poor Willy. (have to be really old to get that one)
Terrible Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Do my deductions....frighten you?"
"Let me help you with that paper cut."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)After you take an arm and a leg I get to drain their blood.Deal?
2.)Wow,your Halloween costume is much scarier than mine!
3.)Does that stand for Insatiable Reticulocyte Sucker?
4.)Wow,you guys suck more than I do!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

" But it was a Transfusion, Not a Transaction ! "
" My Favorite Acronym is RIP ! "
" I'd like to get my Teeth into This ! "
" You people always make my Blood Pressure Go Up ! "
" But my Bloodmoblie is used for Donations Only ! "
" It takes a Bloodsucker to know one ! "
" We're both just a couple of Bloodsuckers ! "
" All my Blood Count Work is Pre-Tax ! "
" Yes, I use alot of RED INK ! "
" I Stay in the RED ! "
" All my Accounts are in the RED ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

But . . . but . . . I owe everything to Bram Stoker.
I LOVE a woman in a high-falutin' government job costume.
Joan Lux Greensboro NC

Here's the deal. First, you suck them dry. Then give 'em to me and I'll
REALLY suck them dry.
My tax deferred retirement account is at the blood bank.
I don't get it. You're not that scary.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

"Before we start, would you like a bite?!"
"My accountant, Igor, handles my affairs"
"The metal mesh vest is a legitimate deduction"
"My workplace? I work worldwide, alone and at night"
"Last year? I haven't filed for 2000 years!"
"I am pleased to see you wear no jewelry!"
"Help with audits? I certainly can especially in rural areas"
"Yes, I can help the IRS with Public Relations"
"Movie revenues? My dear those were paid actors. My reward was "liquid" refreshment"
Transylvania? That's an old address. I currently reside in Greensboro, NC
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Ahhh, vunderful...the dating service results call us highly compatible."
"Ahhh, I see we're in the same line of work!"
"Ahhh, I see ve're in the same line of vork!"
"Does IRS stand for I'm Really Scrumptious?"
"No, I don't look for tax loopholes. Just prominent veins."
"Is parasitism a taxable job now?"
"You expected an honest opportunist? "
"That's an oxymoron... honest opportunist."
"This is ingenious. It really thins the lunch crowds during Market."
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Out of professional courtesy I will ask you which side of the neck you want me to bite."
"We bloodsuckers have to stick together."
"My Garlic allergy therapy is a business expense ..."
The trips to Transylvania are valid business expenses ...
"I work from my crypt - I mean crib ..."
"I needed an early withdrawal from my wife ... wife's 401k ..."
"Occupation ... I am a hemaphoresis specialist"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1) "I gave it all to the Witches Benevolent Fund".
2) "Lost every penny when the Blood Bank failed".
3) "Honest, vampiring has been lousy all year".
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1.) I just love being in the presence of great evil!
2.)We're a good team. After you visit they are very willing for me to end it all.
3.)Yum,a MILB.
4.)I'm a count! Don't I have some sort of diplomatic immunity?!
5.)Abracadabra not hocus pocus.(won't get that one I bet)
1.)You want my autograph?How flattering!
2.) 1,2,3,4 ...4 deductions hahahaha
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
1,2,3,4....4 false deductions hahahahaha
Torpid Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I would turn you into a cold hearted blood sucking ghoul but someone has beaten me to it.
Tim Tribbett, Ghoulsboro

"What an honor! I've always admired your work!"
Kevin Little

" Do You Have a STAKE in this ? "
" Our Figures Aren't Far Apart, let's Meet in the Middle ! "
" We're Both a Couple of Bloodsuckers ! "
" You do mean S-T-E-A-K for lunch ? "
" Like a BITE for Lunch ? "
" Let's me show you my COUNT now ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Costumes look great. Let's go trick or treat. "
" Would you lean over a little closer ?"
" Would you mind if I give you a little peck on the neck ?"
" It's a bloody job, but somebody's gotta do it ."
" Yes, my job is very taxing !"
" I work mostly the night shift ."
" Yes, I am very much a people person ."
" Are you thirsty too ?"
" May I get you a bloody Mary ?"
" Yes, my dad told me to get a real job ."
" Yes, they are very sharp. Are you free tonight ?"
" My favorite music group ? Blood, Sweat and Tears, of course ."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

Who says the IRS isn't friendly? You agreed to this midnight meeting.
HAPPY Halloween -- great government-job costume, by the way.
We'll have fun at the Halloween party IF you don't say what you're dressed as.
Is that a pick-up line on your briefcase?
So you want my blood too?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

71. Spooky!
72. I need a blood-lite!
73. Can I have a bloodweiser?
74. Would you like to go out with me to see "The Diary of the Living Dead"- Zombies?
75. Can I take you to the Monster Prom this Friday evening!
76. I'm getting the most eerie feeling.
77. You're giving me the hebby jebbies!
78. You're not scaring me!
79. I'm sorry to hear about your black cats' demise!
80. I hear dead people!
81. Scream all you want, everyone else has already left!
Nancy Nelson

1.)So,can I see you again sometime?
2.)Would you like to join our army of ghouls?
3.)You're the best ghoulfriend I've ever had!
4.)Our son Tim is doing editorial cartoons now!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I understand I owe some bat taxes."
"Oh, and I would like to give a dollar to the presidential fund."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"But I've always claimed my victims as dependents."
Bob Langlais, Kernersville

"Now that that's over, how 'bout a bite?"
"I'm afraid all I have is blood money?"
"No he's not my son but I raised him."
"How can I owe any bat taxes?"
"But I would never miss a deadline!"
"So how do you like your new job, sis?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "Let's join forces. You take away their will to live, then I'll take their blood."
2. "The way you can make the blood drain from a person's face is just awesome!"
3. "Why don't you just put a stake through my heart?"
4. "My accountant refuses to work at night."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1-Ah, they sent me a woman. You're more al dente.
2-Transylvania, Europe, not Transylvania County, N.C.
3-How do you like my toothy smile?
4-You can't get blood out of a turnip, nor me either.
5-In my line of work dental bills are a business expense.
6-My return is correct & I approve of this statement!
7-I don't cheat on taxes: the stakes are not in my favor.
8-Are you trying to put the bite on ME?!
Max Harless, High Point

1) " I'm not used to someone being able to scare me. "
2) " I agree, a soul just gets in the way of the work. "
3) " I have to turn down the job. There's some things even a vampire won't do. "
4) " Did it just get really cold in here ? "
5) " That was the coldest blood I've every had. "
6) " Finally, someone I can take home to mother ! "
7) " It's so nice to meet a fellow blood sucker !!! "
8) " Judging by your outfit, I see mirrors are no use to you either. "
9) " Scary costume. "
10) " We are more alike than you would think. "
11) " Yes, I really need that coffin for work. "
12) " Is $ 10,000 dollars for sun screen considered a lot ? "
13) " That's Count Chocula, C - H - O - C - U - L - A .
14) " You didn't hear it from me but you know who cheats on their taxes, the Wolfman ! "
15) " I run a nice little Coffin and Breakfast . "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

You have done well my loyal and faithful servant.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

71. Spooky!
72. I need a blood-lite!
73. Can I have a bloodweiser?
74. Would you like to go out with me to see "The Diary of the Living Dead"- Zombies?
75. Can I take you to the Monster Prom this Friday evening! 76. I'm getting the most eerie feeling.
77. You're giving me the hebby jebbies!
78. You're not scaring me!
79. I'm sorry to hear about your black cats' demise!
80. I hear dead people!
81. Scream all you want, everyone else has already left!
Nancy Nelson

82. Creepy!
83. Jeepers creepers where?d ya get those peepers!
84. Which witch are you?
85. Those monster kids are gobbling up all the candy corn!
Nancy Nelson

1. It appears I'm not the only blood sucker.
2. How can I owe taxes? I only work one hour a night.
3. You have a great looking neck!
4. It's a deduction because I donated it all to the blood bank.
5. When did they start taxing blood?
6. Why isn't tooth sharpening a tax deduction?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
Nice - the first one

"Baby, when was the last time you had your neck sucked... ohhh! I mean tucked."
"Fresh meat"
"Come on, you are not really wearing a mask?"
"About that large dental deduction...... "
"You look fresh, can I take you out for a bite."
"I would love to take you out for a bite."
What do you mean, blood donations are not deductible."
" That $150,000 was for make-up and clothes."
"I went to a Party and they said I could deduct $150,000 for a cloth
allowance."
"A date with the IRS."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Now that that's over, how about a quick bite."
"No he's not my son, but I practically raised him."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

This speed dating really works.
Charles Thomas

"I admire your work."
"All of my assets are liquid."
"I can explain all the blood banks."
"The dating site said we would be the perfect match."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Can I offer you some blood?
Tim Tribbett,greensboro

My caption is : " Audit ? Don't be O-negative !!!! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"We get the deductions for sunscreen, manicures, frequent dental cleanings....but for Silver???"
"Don't you think owning an ambulance company is a conflict of interest?"
"First off, my friend Wesley Snipes says to say Hi! "
"I realize now that I probably shouldn't have let Mr.Snipes do my taxes last year."
"So you say you're having some difficulty obtaining a photo ID of me??"
"OK, let me see if you've heard this one...'Name two monsters that suck.' "
"Ok, here's one...'How is a vampire like the IRS?' "
Here's my entry for this week's cartoon:
"No, No, I assure you that 'Blood Money' is a legitimate deduction."
"The way I see it, we're both out for blood!"
"Of Course I haven't filed since 1899! I've been dead since then!!"
"Since when do Vampires have to abide by human laws?"
"Just how many coffins am I allowed to deduct."
"That column is for coffin renovations."
"Yes, I've read 'IRS Audits for DUMMIES'...Why do you ask??"
"Well, most of my jobs have been nocturnal."
"You probably haven't seen me around because I usually work third shift."
"Thanks for agreeing to meet me at night. My skin is sensitive to the sun,"
"Thanks for agreeing to meet me at night; I tend to burn so easily."
"My company is called 'Fangs For The Memories'... we do mostly Scrapbooking."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

86. You're such a wicked witch!
87. Your eyes are beWITCHing!
88. Can't you bail me out!
89. I have the perfect bloodspot remover!
90. We're the perfect match!
91! You're FREAKing me out!
92. Can't SCREAM can ya?!
93. What's that I smell brewing in your cauldron?!
Nancy Nelson

"Match.com" really got it right this time!
Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

"I guess you could say we both make a living by sucking the blood out of folks."
"Sorry, I know these things can be a pain in the neck."
"I realize my activity isn't mirrored in my receipts."
"I can assure you I never got a dime from my work with the community blood drive."
"All my withdrawals occur at night."
"I can assure you that the $5,000 Crest Whitestrips expense is a legitimate business deduction."
"I can assure you the IRS monitors all Counts."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL
"You guys make me look like an amatuer!"
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Can I make payments by the pint?"
Bill Wallace, High Point

"C'mon, we'd be a bad dream team."
Frank Freeman, Greensboro.
these three are here because they made my short list

And for next week's cartoon: happy Halloween.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
Hot headed, strikes or striking, match.com, light my fire , smoking is bad for you, perfect match, etc. were some of the more common responses. Several of you came up with a nicotine gum/patch reference that I thought was clever. First come, first serve though. And there were my favorites, the usual batch of obscure references that sent me scurrying to Google (phillumenist, anyone?)

WINNER
How many matches does it take to light a simple freakin' barbecue?!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
If he weren't so cheap, he'd buy some air freshener.
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Oooh...look at all the pretty colors he can make..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Have you noticed the high rate of burnout on this job?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Stop, drop and roll!
Nancy Nelson

Well, secret Santa won't be much fun this year.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"He's lighting his own WHAT?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro
(Welcome back, Joel. You had the record this week for most entries to make the short list.)

If they think smoking is harmful to their health…
Don Byers, Greensboro

"Alone at last!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro
Way to go, Bill. A different expression on the match's face and this would have been a real contender.

"I sure hope those nicotine patches work!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Welcome, back Kris.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
What's that dufus Brewster up to now?
Nancy Nelson

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"You know that it would be untrue..."
David Holley, Greensboro

"Where's a phillumenist when you need him?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
(It means matchbook collector)

"You must be Mix."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
… I have no idea.

"I told him he should ease up on the Aqua Velva..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
… also, no idea.

I am glad Corbin Dallas gave up smoking.'
Jon Barsanti Jr
(5th Element)

BEST/WORST PUN
I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
This'll make the BEST/WORST PUN hall of fame

THE REST
"The others didn't come back. Was it something I said?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Your gas really cleared the house."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I say we go on Strike until we get a better health care plan!"
"Beware 'The Thumb' my friend..."
"Do I feel warm to you?"
"Oooh...look at all the pretty colors he can make..."
"I feel a sneeze coming on..."
"Come On Baby Light My Fire..."
"OK...I got one...two cigars walk into a bar..."
"One More Time!! Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Make Me A Match..."
"Close De Door...It's Cold..."
"The waiting isn't so bad...it's the face plant across the sidewalk there that I'm worried about..."
"Look at him...laying there all rough and tough...just taunting us..."
"Stay away from the light..."
"OK...you've sparked my interest..."
"Do you think it might be too late to change careers?"
"There he was...face down in a bottle of beer...it was horrible..."
"A Blaze Of Glory my friend...A Blaze of Glory..."
"I'm glad her birthday only comes once a year..."
"I'm glad he's gone...he was always such a Hot Head anyway..."
"Looks like we won't be playing Rock, Paper, Scissors anymore..."
"It was always Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! I'm glad she's gone!"
"I was sick of always being the Monkey In The Middle!"
"Oooh...I think I left the coffee pot on this morning!"
"Ouch...that's gonna leave a mark..."
"I told him not to pick at it!"
"That's gotta hurt!"
"...and then there were two..."
"I told you camping wouldn't be as fun as you thought it would be..."
"Just the two of us...we can make it if we try...just the two of us...you and I...Sing With Me!"
"Oh dear...look at poor Penny in the next panel, how embarrassing for her..."
"Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?"
"Are You Thinking What I'm Thinking?"
"When I go, I'm donating my eyes to Stevie Wonder..."
"When it's my time...I think I'd just like to be cremated..."
"I heard she'd been cheating on him with an old flame..."
"I just hope I don't end up under somebody's foot..."
"Then there was my Uncle Joe, he died in a gas water heater incident..."
"Then there was my Aunt Rita, she was a smoker..."
"...and then there was Uncle Chow...he died in a fireworks accident..."
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking..."
"Stop Touching Me!"
"Dude...move over..."
"All this room and you have to be RIGHT up on me?!?!?"
"I guess yelling, "Smoke Em' If Ya Got Em'' wasn't the best choice of words..."
"In hind sight...a magnifying glass probably wasn't the best gift idea."
"Show Off!!!"
"I told her to use sunscreen but did she ever listen?"
"Will anyone who wants to have their head Engulfed In Flames please take one step forward..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

" Two more Strikes and we're Out ! ! ! "
" Hope he'll close the cover before we Spark ! "
" Close the Cover before We Spark ! "
" We are a Match made in Havana ! "
" This is what happens when they forget to Close the Cover before Striking ! "
" All our friends have got up in Smoke ! "
" If his team wins We'll Light a Couple of Cigars ! "
" I Feel a little Burning Sensation ! "
" Warning Lablels mean Nothing Anymore ! "
" They Can't Play with US !
" Let's Strike ! "
" The Warning Label Protects Us & Them ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. Burn baby burn!
2. 2. She's about to light my fire!
3. 3. I don't want to be a hot head!
4. 4. Don't let him strike me! 5. But, we're the perfect match!
5. 6. We're a match made in heaven!
6. 7. Hasn't he heard of a lighter!
7. 8. I'm about to be snuffed out!
8. 8. It's now or never!
9. 9. He's playing with fire!
10. 10. Baby,don't light my fire!
11. 11. Stick with me and we'll light up this place.
12. 12. Now's not the time to be shy!
13. 13. It's going to be a hot time in the old town tonight!
14. 14 Matches burn!
15. 15. I'm out of here!
16. 16. I'm going on strike!
17. 17. Strike 1, Strike 2, Strike 3, she's out!
18. Nancy Nelson

"Which one us do you think they will FIRE next".
Dennis Kays, Greensboro

18. Don't strike out!
19. They told be you were a hottie!
20. First, they should try rubbing sticks together!
21. When the lights go out, we go out!
22. It's the Match game! 23. Oh no, our covers been blown!
24. Do you smell that?
25. They're going to get burned.
Nancy Nelson

26. Oh boy, they're making Smores!
27. I smell smoke!
28. I hope they don't grill me!
29. Wheres Smokey when you need him!
30. I see a job in my near future!
32. Where they're smoke theres fire!
33. Why can't they just snuggle under a blanket!
Nancy Nelson

" Our Cover is Blown ! "
" Let's Go Undercover ! "
" I couldn't tell you because I was Undercover ! "
" Our Children have all Lit Out ! "
" All our friends have Lit Out ! "
" I Don't Take our Relationship Lightly ! "
" You Know Your Eyes Set Me Afire ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Quick, spit on me!
David Graves, Browns Summit

That "light a candle instead of cursing the darkness" stuff is overrated.
One more verse of "You Light Up My Life" and you're history!
Yeah, yeah, I know "what really burns you up."
The Surgeon General needs a little more clout.
If they think smoking is harmful to their health.
Wanna draw matchsticks to see who goes last?
Watch out for head abrasions.
Just before you die you'll see a great light.
Seems like life is just one flare up after another.
My mother always said I really light up a room.
Just be glad he closes the cover before striking.
Don Byers, Greensboro
Some good ones here, Don

Hey, what do you think about striking out on our own?
I'm glad we met on Match.com!
If they play 'Light my Fire' one more time, we're done.
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro

Two more strikes you are out.
James Durham-Greensboro

34. Flame it!
35. This is lame, they don't need a flame!
36. Hurry call Smokey!
37. Don't they know, curiosity killed the cat!
38. Think, two heads are better that one!
39. I'm getting a headache!
40.Flameless candles are the newest fad!
(19) They told me you were a hottie!
(29) Where's Smokey when you need him!
(32) Where there's smoke there's fire!
41. Be afraid be very afraid!
Nancy Nelson

"I'm a teetotaler. I refuse to get lit!"
"Self-immolation seems like such a painful way to die!"
"I sure hope those nicotine patches work!"
"My whole family's been a bunch of hotheads."
"Wanna switch places?"
"No, really, I wouldn't mind. I'm a gentleman."
"I sure hope the Bic has plenty of butane!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

Idea! Lets spit on each other.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1.)Oooh oooh oooh, he's on fire.(apologies to Springsteen)
2.) Thank goodness she quit smoking!
3.) I've left you the booklet in my will.
4.)How many matches does it take to light a simple freakin' barbeque?!!
4.)Do you smell sulfur?
5.) I thought she gave up smoking!
6.)Hey,where did everybody go?
7.)Smoking really is bad for you!
8.)Man,I hope that nicotine patch kicks in soon!
9.)I guess he never learned the rubbing two sticks together method.
10.)That little black strip seemed so harmless!!!
11.)Well,that just burns me up!
12.)Maybe if we pee on each other!
13.)It's just you and me now kid.
14.)Hey jerk,it says to close cover before striking!
15.)I wish we had been closer Bob.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"You Strike me as someone who needs a friend"
June Annis, Jamestown

"Think we got enough spark left to rekindle the flame?"
Rachel Swoap, Greensboro

1. If I go first, I hope you'll light a candle in my honor.
2. That's a good question... My guess would be around 50/50.
3. Yeah, smoking'll kill you, all right.
4. Well, at least we get to go out in a blaze of glory.
5. When it happens, I'll go peacefully... It's thinking about it meanwhile that's driving me nuts.
Andy Fielding, Richmond, BC, Canada
Loved number two, but our other judges didn't flag it.

"Baby, don't let me light your fire."
"Do you get the feeling we almost burn-out."
"You don't expect me to 'put out', do you?"
"Odds are, you will be pick next since you are on the end."
"Are you trying to get close to me?"
"This is no time to put two heads together to try to escape."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Suddenly Sam's life FLASHED before his eyes!"
Jeff McKeever, Greensboro

"Two more strikes and we're out!"
Kelly Dabbs, Oak Ridge

1.)Do you smell weed?
2,)I wish he would get an air freshner for his bathroom!
3.)Stop telling everyone they look striking!
4.)Come on baby light my fire.
5.)I think romantic candlelight dinners are highly overrated.
6.)I hate it when she goes to the Yankee candle store!
7.)Only you can prevent forest fires.
8.)Well,secret santa won't be much fun this year.
9.)I hate it when he eats pintos!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1- "Wooo, he sure does smoke a lot"
2- "Look, it's you or me babe"
3- "Come on, give me a hug before we part"
4- "Where all the kids go"
5- "Don't look at me, your next"
Ken Chambers, Greensboro

"I think they should put us on the endangered list"
C.D Cooper, Greensboro

" Wonder Who will be Fired Next ? "
" Can You Believe We Evolved from Two Sticks Rubbing Together ? "
" Heard Flint & Steel came out of retirement and are working for BIC ! "
" Flint & Steel Retired because of US ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. I hope you're not one of those flaming liberals.
2. What a match! We're both in advertising!
3. Is it hot in here or is it just me?
4. I can bake a cake from scratch.
5. Come on, baby, light my fire!
6. Aren't you worried about getting fired?
7. I hope he doesn't close the cover to strike. I'm claustrophobic!
8. Don't give me that old "we're a perfect match" line!
9. I thought you mailed the invitations!
10. Whaddaya mean, I'm a hot ticket?
11. Sigh! Everyone is out setting the world on fire but me.
12. You're no match for me!
13. I feel like I'm like all the others in your book.
14. No, I don't want to go to the company barbecue. There'll be a bunch of hot-heads there.
15. I'm not broke, but I could use a little scratch.
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

I wish he would just flick his bic!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So where did the others strike out to?
Two strikes and we're out of here.
You'd think it was the 4th of July.
Remember when we had huge family reunions at really nice restaurants?
We could be out of here by Thanksgiving -- Christmas at the latest.
Sure, as soon as he closes the cover.
Come on, baby, light my fire.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Uh-oh. I smell birthday cake.
Second-hand smoke is no longer the top of our health issues---
I guess this is goodbye--he's having baked beans for dinner.
Kevin Little

"I'm about to find out if it's better to burn out or fade away."
"I'm about to go on strike!"
"Aww man, did he request the smoking section?"
"See you at that big smoking section in the sky."
"Hey, don't you know smoking's bad for you!"
"All I can do now is pray for rain."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"You were my perfect match, but I'm still gonna get burned."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

42. What's that dufus Brewster up to now?
43. Dynomite!
44. But I don't want to set the World on Fire!
46. Come on Baby light my fire!
45. Stop, drop and roll!
46. It's Match Madness!
47. Help, Mom where are you?!
48. Quick, cover your head!
49. It doesn't pay to be a hottie!
50. It doesn't pay to be a hothead!
51. I'm about to combust!
52. She's about to ignite my flame!
Nancy Nelson

1. You don't strike me as being a Dr.
2. I feel a hot flash coming on.
3. I'll be leaving you soon.
4. When I said we should go on strike this is not what I meant.
5. We got a chance, he quit smoking yesterday.
6. Why would anyone want a lighter when they have us?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. You bear a striking resemblance to my old flame.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. I found you at match.com.
2. I'm glad we both visited match.com
3. We're a perfect match.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

" The polls say we're not a match "
JOHN W REAMES, GREENSBORO

1.)I hate it when the power goes out.
2)I've heard you see a bright light when you go.
3.)My parents wanted me to be a box match.
4.)So,you seeing anybody?
5.)Not even a last meal!
6.)Was it something we said?
7.)I hope she burns her fingers!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"If we don't want to go, do we go off strike?"
Dusty Schoch, High Point

"You didn't have to use match.com. I was here all along."
David Holley, Greensboro

"Smoking isn't just suicide. It's murder.
"I told you we should have started a union."
"I've decided to quit smoking."
"It's not fair--one strike and you're out."
"I regret that I have but one light to give."
"Where's a phillumenist when you need him?"
"I've been told I'm hot-headed."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"You must be Mix."
"Mix?"
"I heard you could wrestle."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
"Mix?" "wrestle?"

"Have you noticed the high rate of burnout on this job?"
"No, I don't think you bounce back from something like this."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro, NC

"You know that it would be untrue..."
David Holley, Greensboro

"I thought he said BUD light?!?!?!?"
"No, no, no...I said BUD light!"
"I told him he should ease up on the Aqua Velva..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

On a lighter note ...
Everybody else is out on strike.
Not another 'strike here, strike now' joke.
"Billy Joel didn't start the fire, it was the rest of the pack."
Whew - she lit the last candle in the bathroom.
"I am glad Corbin Dallas gave up smoking.' (5th Element)
"The wind picked up - we get to see another day."
Jon Barsanti Jr

"Let's hope the nicotine gum works!!"
"With that cough, he won't need us for awhile, maybe never!
"You go next"
"I want to go out big, lighting a bonfire!!"
"Let's hope that was his last smoke!"
"Ooh, the book was just opened again!"
"Relax. He bought a new lighter!"
"Oh no, he is out of light fluid!"
"I hear we next go to the Big Ash Tray"
"What became of the other 18?'
"He said yes, I have a match, my ass and your face!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. Let's sing,"I don't want to set the world on fire."
2. Let's sing, "You light up my life."
3. I wish someone would close the cover I'm freezing.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"I think we make a good match"
"I feel light headed"
"That's the last time I visit match.com"
"My head itches, but I'm afraid to scratch it"
"My doctor says if I do sit-ups, I'll feel the burn"
Craven Peay, Summerfield

I wish he would close the cover.I really didn't need to see that!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) I hear you struck out again!
2) Who opened the lid ? What do we do ? Strike up a song!
3) Are they coming after us because the others struck out?
4) I was told how striking I was! I guess that isn't a good thing !
5) You think it is going to hurt ? Yea ! Like a carpet burn!
6)Why do they call us a book when we don't have pages?

"Now that we're alone, I must say that I find you striking."
Kelley Vail, Greensboro

I thought I was signing up for Match.com!!
Marcia Berger, Greensboro

" So, are we a match, or what ?"
Which one of us will get fired ?
Looks like you'll be the last one to get fired
Let's keep the home fires burning
My life is but a flicker of light
Come on baby, light my fire
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

1. What would birthday candles be with us?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"Two strikes & we're out" or "Now I lay me down to strike".
Bob Fuller — Greensboro

"I heard a rumor that when Sam got out of here, he really blew his top."
Kelley Vail, Greensboro

1."SUDDENLY I DON'T WANT TO STRIKE OUT ON MY OWN".
2."I THOUGHT WHEN THEY SAID STRIKE THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT BASEBALL".
3."LUCKY STRIKE? WHAT'S LUCKY ABOUT RUBBING YOUR HEAD ON THAT LINE"?
4."THAT'S ONE LINE I DON'T WANT TO CROSS".
5."I THOUGHT IT WAS THREE STRIKES AND YOU'RE OUT".
Paula R. Hairston, GREENSBORO

1) " Do you have any idea how many matches die each year from smoking? "
2) " She found me in his coat pocket now I have to go to divorce court with her . "
3) " Match.com was a huge let down . "
4) " He died from spontaneous combustion. Come to think of it, we all die that way. "
5) " Just our luck, this guy's a chain smoker. "
6) " Go ahead Barack, we won't tell Michelle. "
7) " I'm to young to die !!! "
8) " Why do we have to die, he's the one who stunk up the bathroom ? "
9) " Odd thing is I could really use a cigarette. "
10) " Don't kid yourself, you have no idea what a hot flash is..yet !! "
11) " I don't care if you are the last match, I'm still not going out with you. "
12) " He's lighting his own WHAT ? "
13) " How many years have we been in that glove compartment ? "
14) " False alarm, he's just writing down her phone number. "
15) " It's okay, he's just picking his teeth. "
16) " See how he likes it when I burn the tips of his fingers. "
17) " It's a power outage, that means candles ! "
18) " Did he just say the pilot light went out ? "
19) " We have nothing to worry about, we've been through the washing machine. "
20) " Do you smell phosphorus are is that just me ? "
21) " Wonderful, this guy's a pyromaniac. "
22) " I don't think there is anyway they could charge us with arson. "
23) " Of all the places in the world, we have to live in the windy city. "
24) " People burn out in this job very quickly. "
25) " This strikes me as odd. "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1.)Wow,I can't believe Smokey the Bear is a firebug!
2.)I hate those darn blue headed matches!
3.)Talk about your deathrows!
4)Not a big fan of scented candles
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I QUIT!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"When is Lent?!"
"He's under stress. What about me?"
"I don't want to be the butt of any jokes this week."
"I thought this was a non-smoking cartoon."
"He's not using that leaky pen to write down that telephone number on us, is he?"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1) "Don't fret, sweetie--those hot flashes go away"
2) "It's OK, I'll probably go next"
3) "I hate to get that burned-out feeling!"
4) "You look strikng!"
5) "Alone at last!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1.) I really need to start reading the job descriptions when I apply for work!
2.) He changed the subject when I asked about a retirement plan.
3.) I'm just gonna come out and say it.This job stinks!!!
4.)No pay and a painful death.Maybe we could do better.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. "Enough candles already!"
2. "Cool, fireworks!"
3. "I need a cigarette."
4. "Don't worry, he's just playing around."
5. "Doesn't he know smoking is bad for my health?"
6. "They say the last thing you see is a bright white light."
7. "No, she doesn't need a light!"
8. "Sherlock Holmes, I presume."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Hey buddy, got a light?"
"I think I know how this book will end."
"Look, he's trying a patch. We live another day."
"Remember, when you see the black paper, spit like crazy."
"I'm afraid it's not MatchLight, Fred, so it'll take both of us."
"That's either a really big cigar or the dog's on fire."
"Listen, we can talk and joke but we can't play."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I had no idea our heads could burst into flames."
"One windy day and we lose the whole family."
"I don't think they're coming back."
"I think I might be next."
"What are the chances he'll give up smoking?"
Brent " The Bridesmaid" Wooten, Thomasville
Ah, Brent. You've been the bride at least once.

"If I'm next, tell my wife I was only hot for her."
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

I thought you locked the door!
No name given

Alone at last and you have a headache?
Charles Rowe, Thomasville

Come 'on Baby, light my fire!
Bettie Sharpe Rowe, Thomasville

"There was the flash of light and the next thing I know they're gone."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

1.)Ok,I spy with my little eye....
2.)No offence Bob but I hope he picks from his right for once.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"It takes me a minute for my eyes to adjust to the light."
"Look, if things don't work out, I want to be cremated."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

53. We're weapons of mass destruction.
54. Are we weapons of mass destruction?
55. Redheads are hot!
56. Oh no, they're singing campfire songs!
57. They couldn't pay the light bill again!
58. When the weather outside is frightful ...!
Nancy Nelson

"If that cover doesn't close after they come for me, I'll see you in the ashtray."
"That sulfur me, Red."
"Hey, I can talk! What is that white thing hanging out of his..."
"If I see one more campaign commercial, I'm gonna light myself on fire!"
"No, stupid. We weren't made in heaven. That's where we'll be after they get the grill out."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"Looks like we're about to go on strike."
"I wish he'd use match.com for his flames."
"There's too much friction in our lives."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
I almost passed on this idea for a cartoon because I thought the captions it would generate would be too similar. Not a lot of places you can go with this. Or so I thought. I didn't count on how good you guys are at thinking outside the box. I mean, the Rorschach references alone were priceless (We picked what we thought was the best of those, but still, kudos to everyone who went there.) Also, see the blog for entries that were a bit more ... "scatological" in nature for those of us who never grew up.

WINNER
Dear, it's time to go to the hospital. My water just broke.
Jack Snead, Jamestown

RUNNERS-UP
Call a doctor,that should be blue!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

So much for his job interview today!
Nancy Nelson

Oh no! On young unknown Dr Rorschach's new shirt!
Kevin Little

"You ever get that 'Not So Fresh' feeling?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Hurry Fred, apply pressure to my ball point."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

It happens every time I sneeze
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

Oops! I thought it was only gas.
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

Wasn't me!
Tribb, Roanoke, Va.

"That was the scariest story I've ever heard."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
I don't know nuthin bout birthin no babies miss Scarlett!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Look, I just invented the Nickelodeon background."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

45. Did I do that?! ( Remember Urkel)
Nancy Nelson

BEST INSIDE JOKE
You be brief ,I'll be pithy
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Brewster's clueless, he did it!
Nancy Nelson

BEST / WORST PUN
"Oops. Ink-ontinence again"
Mike Flint, Greensboro

"Blot's On Your Mind?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

SCATALOGICAL ROUND-UP
"I told you not to pull my finger."
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

"Ops, I should have used those Depends."
Barbara Golding, Reidsville

"Never trust a fart"
Robert Patalano, Greensboro
Louis Tellez, Jamestown

Oops! I thought it was only gas.
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

Uh oh,that fart felt a little wet!
Sorry,too much fruit!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. "Don't look, I'm inking!"
Tom Norman, Greensboro

3) I don't remember eating that.
4) So much for trying to sneak one out
7) I thought it was just gas
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

" I got the runs."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Oops, I cut a wet one!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. Well, the laxative worked.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

THE REST
Dear, it's time to go to the hospital. My water just broke.
Jack Snead, Jamestown
First entry. Sometimes your first instinct is the best.

Uh-oh! I should have had that Datrol discussion!
Linda Willard, High Point

"I told you not to pull my finger."
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

"Aww, I inked!"
Gina De Naples, Greensboro

1. OOps!
2. He should've used protection!
3. Wasn't me!
4. You think he'll notice!
5. Can I borrow your eraser?
6. Where's the protector when you need it?!
7. Who dun it? 8. Incontinence!
9. When you got to go, you got to go!
10. So much for his job interview today!
11. I'm betting he doesn't get the job!
12. Do you think he'll spot that?!
13. Where's that stain out pen?!
14. You shouldn't have made me laugh!
15. Did you do that?!
Nancy Nelson

16. We can just Shout It Out!
17. Nancy Nelson

17. I'm going to get fired!
18. Time for retirement!
19. He's going to CAN me!
19. Don't give me that look!
20. He needed a splash of color.
Nancy Nelson

"My diaper's too small."
That's ok. He's Dr. Rorschach.
Nice. We liked the wording of the runner-up a little better
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"I just couldn't wait."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"He said the pocket guard looked too nerdy."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I don't understand. This has never happened before."
"This has never happened before."
Lee Poole, Greensboro

It's time for the plastic pocket protector.
Where's the plastic pocket protector?
Well you're the one who pushed my button!
So I'm old and I leak, get over it!
Isn't there a new drug for this problem?
Joan Lux Greensboro

21. I was just too full!
22. Look what you made do!
23. I told you not to squeeze me!
24. Cover for me! 25. Can you keep a secret?
26. It matches the color of his eyes!
27. Quick, use your head!
28. No problem, we'll tell him it's coffee!
29. I have no inkling as to what happened!
30. I can't blame you, can I?!
31. Brewster's clueless, he did it!
Nancy Nelson

Well if you hadn't told that really funny joke . . . .
. . . and you aren't the sharpest pencil.
If you didn't have that eraser you'd NEVER be used!
Shush, or I'll whittle you down to a stub.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Never trust a fart"
Robert Patalano, Greensboro

" It's Grape Jelly ! ! ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Now I know the difference between a jot and tittle!
Sarah Towle, High Point

"Where did you put the Depends"?
Barbara Golding, Reidsville

"Ops, I should have used those Depends."
Barbara Golding, Reidsville, NC

Bladder control problems?
No name given

"This has never happened before. HONESTLY!!"
David Manley, Summerfield

1.) oopsy!
2.)Do you feel something wet?
3.) Its the only way I can see that sexy Tide pen.
4.)Can I borrow your head?
5.)Can you spare a little head?
6.)Not my fault,he didn't click me!
7.) I didn't do it!
8.)That's a old stain,really!
9.)Wha happened?
10.)Yikes,he's a horrible driver!
11.)I've had this problem since I was a kid.
12.)Sorry,too much fruit!
13.)Why did you move way over there?
14.)Well,I guess that will teach him not to wear white to the office.15.)I just had the worst nightmare!
16.)Call a doctor,that should be blue!
17.)Sometimes older pens develop this problem.
18.) I think I just inked myself !
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

He normally has protection.
I hate it when that happens
White shirts are the best
That's the only black ink his investments will see for a while.
Jon Barsanti Jr

I'm so excited to see you!
I'm so happy to see you!
It wasn't me, I'm red ink.
Don't look at me that way, its soy sauce from lunch.
Behave yourself. I haven't seen Bill since he did that.
Behave yourself. I haven't seen BIC since he did that.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

I forgot to take my Flo-Max today.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
Sounds amusing, but many of us weren't too familiar with a lot of drugs.

"I'm a Wachovia pen, I'm busted"
John Blake, Whitsett

1. Got any extra Depends?
2. That was really scary, wasn't it?
3. What makes you think I write campaign ads?
4. Yes, I am a government purchased-by-low-bid pen. How did you guess?
5. Yes, I have been writing dirty jokes again.
6. Oops! I thought it was only gas.
7. No problem. I'm actually a bleach pen travelling incognito
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

" i've been meaning to get some of those Depends diapers"
tommy poole, thomasville

"Have you tried Inkmodium?"
Joan Hunt, Greensboro'

"Oops. Excuse me."
From Shirley Wyzga-Johnson, Greensboro

1) Ewww,it feels warm and sticky
2.)He shouldn't buy such cheap pens.
3.)Just look what you did!
4.)Will you take the fall for me?
5.) I'm no Mont blanc that's for sure.
6.)We older pens need pocket protecters.
7.)Don't you judge me!
8.) I feel lighter for some reason.
9.)Please tell me I'm refillable!
10.)You're a #2 pencil and I'm a pen who does #2.
11.)That's the reason I don't get dates.
12.)Uh oh,that fart felt a little wet!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I should have gone before we left
Tribb, Roanoke, Va,

1) Don't worry, it doesn't smell.
2) I get nervous when he pushes the top of my head
3) I don't remember eating that.
4) So much for trying to sneak one out
5) I guess you will tell everyone about this
6) It's an ink thing, you wouldn't understand
7) I thought it was just gas
8) I should probably never block a sneeze
9) What does he expect? I've been in this pocket all day
10) WASN"T ME !
11) I'm seeing a doctor about this
12) So, probably not a good first impression?
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

"I should have worn protection."
Anonymous, Greensboro
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha …

"I feel so cheap."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

1.)That's payback for chewing on us!
2.) I got him back for rubbing the top of your head off !
3.)Oh click ! 4.) I'm a little nervous about signing that 700 billion dollar bailout bill!
5.)Uh oh,W is going to be pissed!
6.) We need a cleanup in pocket one.
7.)We almost fell out the last time he bent over!
8.)I think I just clicked in my sleep!
9.)Spray and Wash ain't gonna get that.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Oops. Ink-ontinence again"
Mike Flint, Greensboro

Oops, I did it again
Do you think they will notice?
"Excuse Me"
John Lonergan, Whitsett,

Oh no! On young unknown Dr Rorschach's new shirt!
Kevin Little

"You oughta know everybody makes mistakes - that's why erasers were made."
"Everybody makes mistakes - that's why erasers were made."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Yeah, I made a mess - What's your point?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Never trust a Fart"
Louis Tellez, Jamestown,

"Now THAT's one scary haunted house!"
"Well, that was an exciting ride."
Andy Ralston-Asumendi, Greensboro

1.)That's revenge for breaking off my little clip thingy!
2.)Shout it out!3.)I don't know nuthin bout birthin no babies miss Scarlett!
4.)That's never happened to me before
5.)I feel sooo much better!
6.)I just couldn't hold it any longer!
7.)Did you get any on ya?
8.)He shouldn't use me to stir coffee.
9.)Can I borrow some of your shavings?
10.)Ooooh,I hate to do that in a Ralph Lauren.
11.)I'm almost finished. 12.)My ink doesn't stink
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. "So sorry, I thought I had an anti leak device."
2. "Give me a break, 8 hours stuck in here is long enough."
3. "Opps, I had an accident."
4. "Oh no, not again."
5. "You need to keep your cap on."
6. " You know, a pencil would never make that mess."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

1.)Well,I guess nobody's going to want to steal me now.
2.) I made a stinky inky.
3.) What do you mean disposable?
TIM TRIBBETT,GREENSBORO

1) The "Sharpener story" was very scary!
2) Please, never tell me about the sharpener again!
3) So, is your head only good for cleaning up lead accidents?
4) I bet I get blamed for this
5) Wanna switch sides?
6) It was like this when I got here, I promise!
7) This probably never happens to you.
8) Nothing I say will make me feel better about this.
9) You're not going to forget this are you?
10) That was NOT supposed to happen!
11) This is going to be a problem for you, isn't it?
12) They stick your butt in a WHAT!
13) OOPS!
14) Maybe, if you use your head, you can get me out of this.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

1) "Well, I've done it again!"
2) "Isn't there a pill for this?"
3) "It's OK--the fabric is stainproof"
4) "My bottom feels wet!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

It happens everytime I sneeze
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

32. Out damned Spot!
33. It's just a joke!
34. The Joke's on him!
35. He'll never spot it!
36. Ink blots are a sign of intelligence!
37. Spot on! 38. It kinda looks like a turtle!
38. I spy something black!
40. Write on!
Nancy Nelson

"He had a little sword but I... I thought I could take him."
"Hurry Fred, apply pressure to my ball point."
"Get the bags Henry, my ink just broke."
"That's the funniest story I ever heard."
"I got shot right here in the corner pocket."
"She kicked me right in the ball point."
"Hurry Frank, tilt my cartridge back."
"Get your lousy thumb off of me."
"Promise me that you'll donate my cartridge."
"Don't click me there you fool."
"I'll..I'll never ever sign the bailout bill."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

41. It was an accident!
42. I'm not a Big Drip!
43. Squirt!
44. It's art!
Nancy Nelson

1.)I think I just doodled!
2.)Did you say Duke won a football game?!!
3.)Hey,at least I'm not getting shorter!
4.)Its the big house for me now!
5.)Next time you try to vault out don't hit my clicker!
6.)I'm too young to go in the can!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

45. Did I do that?! ( Remember Urkel)
46. Sorry, I'm not a graphite artist like you!
Nancy Nelson

" You Don't Have An Inkling What It's Like ! ! ! "
" You Never Seen An Inky - Dinky - Do ? "
" Can You Erase My Inky-Dinky-Do ? "
" Was Hoping For A Dry Run ! "
" Just Pencil Me In, Please ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" I Couldn't Hold It Any Longer ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I got to stop staying out all night and inking."
"Oops!"
" I got the runs."
"The end is near."
" Too excited."
"Uug ooh! Look out trash can."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

* "It's the prune ink!!"
* "That's red. I am blue ink!"
* "Got a bleach stick!?"
* "Cheap!! Better cheap than obsolete!!"
* "I know a pocket protector is dorky but..."
* "I'll be sent to the Isle of Bad Pens!!"
* "Eraserhead, need some help here!"
* "Oops, I cut a wet one!"
* "Ok, ok, I was made in China!!"
* "Have any Pepto?"
* "This can't happen. I'm a BIC!!
* "What till the misses sees this!
* "Want to trade places?"
* "Is was a technical malfunction. I reported it"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"We call it getting the lead out, what do you guys call it?"
"My doctor warned me about spicy stationery."
"I assume your colonoscopy is tomorrow morning?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

1.) You be brief ,I'll be pithy.
2.)Did you just hear a click?
3.)Well,he said to be brief and pissy.
4.)Waiting for it to dry is the worst part.
5.)Calgon,take me away!
6.) Oh no,this will mean back in the pocket protector.
7.)You would think a cartoonist would buy better pens .
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Oh no ! It's these "over-filled barrels" again - causing us dis-dain !
Rose Franks, Greensboro

1.)Sometimes I seep in my sleep.
2.) Too much olestra.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"That'll teach the nerd to forget his pocket protector."
Carl Niedziela, Pelham

22. Look what you made me do!
Nancy Nelson

Now I know how the Exxon Valdez felt!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Haven't we played this venue before?
It's good to be back in the News and Record!
It's my usual schtick!
You would think he would learn not to wear white when we play Greensboro.
Tony Hummel, Greensboro

"O.K, what do you see now?"
"Look, I just invented the Nickelodeon background."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "Don't look, I'm inkling!"
2. "Never mind me - do you know you keep getting shorter?"
3. "I dreamed I was a Rorschach ink blot."
4. "Come on! You said you can make things disappear."
5. "I think he's drunk, he tried to sharpen me."
6. "You scared the ink out of me!"
7. "Please tell me you've been chewing tobacco."
8. "I feel like - I don't know, the words escape me."
9. "I've been doodled to death."
10. "What's the matter, never seen a pen take a leak before?"
11. "I'm afraid I'm at a loss for words."
12. "You think I should suggest a pocket protector?"
13. "I'm about to be the victim of severe trauma."
14. "It must be karma. I've written a lot of bad checks."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1- That's my impression of an octopus.
2- Well, excuse me!!
3- Oops! overdosed on Metamucil.
4- Does that eraser just work on pencil?
5- This nerd ought to wear a pocket protector.
Max Harless, High Point

1. "Oh no, you didn't."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

" Lost our Shirt to Trickle Down ! "
" Trickle Down Cost Our Shirt ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. I know he will tell his wife that it was my fault
2. Woops!
3. Third shirt this week. Will he ever learn?
4. I'm tired of doing laundry detergent commercials.
5. I couldn't hold it any longer.
6. I wish I was a ballpoint.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

"That was the scariest story I've ever heard."
"I told you not to push my head."
"Quick. Let's change places."
"Got any hairspray?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1. Well, the laxative worked.
2. Don't look at me I have red ink.
3. Look closely, the ink blot looks like an upside down turtle.
4. I'm sorry I shouldn't have taken the laxative.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"You haven't witnessed a "black-out" before?"
Chrystal Carr

" I think it's time for De-PENZ..."
by Chrystal Carr

" Oops "
" He probably won't notice "
" Do you think the wedding will still go on ?"
" Oh-oh, and it had to be a white shirt "
" You pencils just don't know how lucky you are "
" That's it, no more cheap refills "
Lee F. Richmond, Jamestown

1. Look closely, the ink blot looks like a turtle on his back.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"I told you not to push it..."
"Well...it could be worse...last time it was priapism so I guess I should be happy!"
"The Market is down How Much?!?!?!?"
"How much is left in my 401K?"
"You think anyone will notice?"
"Yes that is a pen in his pocket and I'm NOT happen to see him!"
"Ooopsy"
"That's probably gonna leave a mark..."
"You ever get that 'Not So Fresh' feeling?"
"It's ink...I Swear!"
"Wait...wait...the guy at the magic shop said it'll disappear..."
"Oooh...Pardon Me..."
"Blot's On Your Mind?"
"I kinda thind it looks like a rooster playing piano...you?"
"Let's see him sign the bailout plan now..."
"Top That!"
"I told you not to scare me like that!"
"I didn't do it..."
"And you thought the whole Visine thing was an urban legend didn't ya?"
"Hehehe...that tickled!"
"And HE said pocket protectors are only for nerds!"
"I spilled my coffee...I SWEAR!"
"Got Ink?"
"It's been happening since I was a kid..."
"My Dad was a Sharpie so there was always a good chance this would happen someday..."
"I only fell asleep for a second..."
"...then Ms. Dunbar said I had to stay after class and yadda, yadda, yadda, I woke up like this..."
"It's not funny! It's a genuine medical condition!"
"Well NOW he's a Maverick with an Ink Spot!!"
"I did NOT have any type of relations with that stapler!"
"If you're not going to offer any helpful advice then just keep quiet!"
"I don't laugh at you whenever yours breaks off now do I??"
"WHAT?!?!?! Your telling me you didn't see her walk by??"
"It was there when I got here..."
"Well she asked me to wear a cap but it just doesn't feel the same..."
"They really don't make a cap big enough if you know what I mean..."
"If you say, 'Inka Dinka Bottle Of Ink' just ONE More Time..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
A lot of worthy entries eliminated themselves by being too long. The saying on the sign should be brief and pithy. Also, it had to be something that his sign would say to generate sympathy/money. Our winner best fit that requirment.
One of you suggested a Holloween themed cartoon featuring vampires for Halloween week. And it occured to me; I'm always looking for cartoon possibilities, why not take requests? If you have any ideas, send them with your entries.

WINNER
Golden Parachute didn't open in time
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

RUNNERS-UP
"Will mismanage for food."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

WILL WORK FOR BAILOUT
Bill Wallace, High point

Didn't diversify, please help
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

SHOULD HAVE SOLD HIGH
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Drove a 150 year old company into the ground, please help!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

WASN'T ME!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Will work for a latte.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"A $700 billion bail-out and all I got was this lousy sign."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Prosperity was just around the corner.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKES
What would Brewster do?
Nancy Nelson

Million dollar mortgage with a cartoonist's salary PLEASE HELP
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(You don't need help, you need a miracle.)

Trust me, I'm Tim Rickard's stockbroker.
Where's Bucky the Robot when you need him?
Marsha Minsky

Caption writer with mental block - please help
Jon Barsanti Jr

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFEERENCE
Traded in Frozen OJ Futures. Please Help. (Trading Places)
Jack Ryan: I found Red October
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

Avoid Plastics
Tom Norman, Greensboro
(I'm thinking "The Graduate" here. Am I right?)

THE REST
1.)Will work for golden parachute
2.)S class mercedes for sale CHEAP!
3.)Will work for stock options
4.)Solid gold bathroom fixtures for sale!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Will work for filet mignon with cognac cream sauce
2.)Will work for filet mignon and chateau lafite Rothschild
3.)Will financial consult for food
4.(not a)VIETNAM VET,PLEASE HELP
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. Please, bail me out!
2. I'm jobless elect Joe Blow President!
3. Homeless, Noone bailed me out!
4. Will work for gas, food, etc.
5. I'm stranded, I've been deserted by my goverment!
6. More taxes, I can't pay my rent now!
7. HELP!
8. Stop this could be your fate!
9. My small business went under!
Nancy Nelson

10. So much for a college degree!
11. Aliens Welcome!
12. Wall Street, I say Small Street!
13. Doomsday is here! 14. I'm taking care of MY business!
15. I'm no bum, just need a little assistance!
16. Who's smiling now?!
17. My wheels have been repossed!
18. I can't pay my mortgage, bail me out!
18. The Jokes on You!
19. What would Brewster do?
20. If you elect me president, I promise...!
Nancy Nelson

I've repented -- have YOU?
Redemption -- it's only a Congressional vote away!
Will work for GOLD!!!
Will work for a latte.

NEED WORK
STRENGTH: Creative Accounting
WEAKNESS: See "Strength"
Joan Lux Greensboro

21. Smile, I'm not on Candid Camera!
22. Will do job interviews!
23. Will debate the issues with you!
24. Wanted,The America Dream!
26. This is a Reality Show!
27. Wanted, a free ride!
28. Help, knew at this job!
Nancy Nelson

24. Wanted, The American Dream !
Nancy Nelson

Will trade stock for gas.
Glenda Layton, Carthage

Please help. I need 700 billion for carfare.
Ken Layton, Carthage

29. Don't give me any Bull it's a Bear Market!
30. Give me a break, I'm new at this job.
Nancy Nelson

Into The Valley Of Death Rode The S&P 500
Ray Kislowski, McLeansville

"It wasn't all my fault...Fannie Mae did too!"
Carolyn Mitchell, Greensboro

For Sale! My suit and pants
Joan Hunt, Greensboro

1) "The others jumped."
2) " Forget work! Just need some food."
3) "Nothing scarier than a blank piece of paper!"
4) "My company was bailed out!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

WASN"T ME!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

WILL WORK FOR DIVIDENDS
TRIBB , Roanoke, Va.

It seemed like a good idea at the time
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

SORRY! My Bad
TRIBB, Roanoke, VA.

Thanks For Your Support!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

THINK LOOOOOONG TERM
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

LOST : ONE LIFETIME OF INVESTING
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

SHOULD HAVE SOLD HIGH
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I JUST MESSED MYSELF
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

THE BAILOUT IS NEAR
TRIBB, Raonoke, Va.

OOPS!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

WILL WORK FOR OBAMA
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va. (all those other jokers from Fannie Mae do)

"Will work for and kind of nut!"
Debra Watson, Eden

1.)Will work for tax payer bail out
2)Didn't diversify,please help
3.)Wachovia CEO,please help
4) I was a mortgage broker now I'm just broke
5.)Will work for fixed rate only!
6.)AIG find out what it means to me.
7.)Will toady for food.8)Lost one of my homes,please help
8.)Will work for trophy wife
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Will work for gas"
"Will eat for money"
"Successful with house, 2 cars, and healthy family, please help"
Ian Knight, TerraceGreensboro

Need $ for Art School.
What, me worry?
Get out of Jail free.
Need ride to Grand Caymans.
Ask me about my grand larceny.
Honk if you need credit approval.
I bought this Armani suit with your grandpa's money.
This space for rent.*(Variable Interest)
Kilroy was foreclosed here.
Will work for Bearer Bonds.
Will word for Euros.
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

The ENRON Is Near...
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

WILL BUY GAS FOR FOOD.
CAROLYN DILLARD ,GREENSBORO

Stock Broker - Need Money for Food - Please Invest
Former Employee of the US Treasury Dept. Please Help
I may not look homeless - It's my first day - Please Help
Will Sell My House for food
Will trade Stocks for Food
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1.)Greedy lender overleveraged in subprime mortgages,please help.
2.)Predatory lender,please help.
3.)Wallstreet vet ,please help
4.)Will work for $1000 silk tyes .
5.)Undiversified Wachovia stock holder,please help
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) Golden parachute didn't open! Please help
2.)Disregarded sound investment principles,please help!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

31. Bear with me!
32. Rescue me!
33. Love will keep us together!
Nancy Nelson

The street signs should read:
WAIL STREET
BAIL STREET
Nelda Porter, Greensboro

1.)Will work for junk bonds
2.)Second homeless,please help.
3.)Vacation homeless,please help
4.) Now open for trading
5.)Going to jail,where I'll get a sore tail, please help with bail
6.)Will cook your books for food
7.)Jewel encrusted shower curtain for sale ,Cheap!
8.)I'll sell my tail for money for bail(no pennies please)
9.)Down to my last jar of caviar,please help
10.)Drove a 150 year old company into the ground,please help!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

VOTE.............NEED...............BANK
4 U...............BAILOUT/............SALE
2 L8................RIDE.................SAT.
4 ME.............HOME..............10 AM
John Lonergan, Whitsett

HELP!
I need a bailout
John Lonergan, Whitsett

1) Help, I need a loan. I used to work for Wachovia.
2) Help my family. Buy stocks.
3) I am in need. I have to pay my car loan, beach house, country club dues etc.
4) I left home without it. Need cash.

1.)Million dollar mortgage with a cartoonist's salary PLEASE HELP !
2.) Gave mortgages to hobos,please help!
3.)Can't afford everything I want,please help
4.)Now giving variable subprime mortgages on cardboard boxes
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Will work for an espresso!
Randy Payne, Greensboro

IT"S TIME FOR CHANGE
dollar bills only ("IT"S TIME FOR CHANGE" would be in big block letters like an Obama campaign poster. "dollar bills only" should be written in by hand)
"Caution: Falling Stockbrokers."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

* Sorry!!
* Vote!
* Honk if (heart) $$
* Mecedes Reproed Need $$
* Pat's Pizza 2 Slices/2$
* Will Work for Millions!
* Not Guilty!
* Who Will Bail Out Me?
* Who Will Bail Me Out?
* Hi Mom! Send Money!
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Kick
Me
5¢
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

34. I was greedy and now I'm needy!
35. We're in a hell of a mess! (Sunday paper quote)
36. Who does depression hurt? Everyone!
Nancy Nelson

When Easy Street meets Wall Street
Will drive the economy into the ground for $60 Million (Richard Fuld)
Golden Parachute Didn't Open in Time
Able to turn sow's ear into silk ...
Will work for credit card debt
Have MBA and Banking Degrees - Will work for food
Have suit will travel
Richard Fuld's assistant: Will work for cash only
Victim of Bear Attack on Wall Street
Will work for a $400 Haircut.
Cell phone Bill Due, Credit Card Bill Due, Cable Bill due, Internet bill due. Please Help
Survived Black Friday - Didn't survive Red October
Jack Ryan: I found Red October
Need Cost of Living Adjustment
Will work for Coffee
Will work for full tank of gas
Over Invested in $147 a barrel oil
Need $100,000 bailout/rescue. God Bless.
$240 million in Lehman Brothers Stock - will work for cash only
Former Day-Trader
Traded in Frozen OJ Futures. Please Help. (Trading Places)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1.) The bear ate my bull,please help.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Broke,
Jobless,
Homeless,
Wifeless,
Suit for sale.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1. Brother, can you spare 7 trillion dimes?
2. Prosperity was just around the corner.
3. Don't panic, retirement is overrated.
4. Gordon Gekko was wrong.
5. Beware of the Bear.
6. Avoid Plastics
7. I need money for booze.
8. Caution: Falling Golden Parachutes.
9. Good news! You won't end up in the Poorhouse - it's in foreclosure.
10. Good news! The Poorhouse is in foreclosure.
11. Ransom demand: Your money for your job.
12. Honk if you'd like to run me over.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1.) Invested like A IGnoramus,please help
2.)We lose money the old fashioned way too!
3.)The end is near but I owe too much to go!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"A $700 billion bail-out and all I got was this lousy sign."
"Will work for $700 billion."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Fill Here - Fill Now."
Jon Barsanti Jr., Hillsborough

"All hat, no Horse ... please help"
"My bank got millions and I got a toaster."
Jon Barsanti Jr., Hillsborough

"Let them eat cake."
"Lost, One 401-k."
"Will mismanage for food."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.) The bear ate my bull,please help
Tim Tribbet, Greensboro

Homeless,
Wifeless,
Suit for sale.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1. Brother, can you spare 7 trillion dimes?
2. Prosperity was just around the corner.
3. Don't panic, retirement is overrated.
4. Gordon Gekko was wrong.
5. Beware of the Bear.
6. Avoid Plastics
7. I need money for booze.
8. Caution: Falling Golden Parachutes.
9. Good news! You won't end up in the Poorhouse - it's in foreclosure.
10. Good news! The Poorhouse is in foreclosure.
11. Ransom demand: Your money for your job.
12. Honk if you'd like to run me over.
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1.) Invested like A IGnoramus,please help
2.) 2.)We lose money the old fashioned way too!
3.) 3.)The end is near but I owe too much to go!
4.) Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"A $700 billion bail-out and all I got was this lousy sign."
"Will work for $700 billion."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Fill Here - Fill Now."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"All hat, no Horse ... please help"
"My bank got millions and I got a toaster."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Let them eat cake."
"Lost, One 401-k."
"Will mismanage for food."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

WILL MERGE FOR FOOD
Steve Carbone, Gso

1- Bail me out.
2- Yale grad out of work. Boola boola; need moolah.
3- I'm lacking-need backing.
4- Present alms.
5- In source me a job.
Cathy Harless, High Point

"Willing to sell teenage daughter for gas money."
"Vote: Calvin/Hobbes '08"
"Lost life savings betting on the Cubs."
"I raped by Fannie Mae."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Willing to learn Spanish"
"Homeless Banker"
"Will do Windows"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Willing to sell teenage daughter for gas money."
"Vote: Calvin/Hobbes '08"
"I lost my life savings betting on the Cubs."
"I was raped by Fannie Mae."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

" Will work for Golden Parachute "
" Where is Main Street ?"
" Wall Street or bust "
Lee F. Richmond, Jamestown

Caption writer with mental block - please help
Job outsourced to "Joke's on you fans.'
Have bucket - waiting for MY bailout."
Day-trader Anonymous Support Group needed
Need advance until January 20th - hopefully 2009.
Took relocation package to Iceland ... need a new country.
Jon Barsanti Jr

"Need place to stay. Summer home being repainted."
"Transportation needed to Off-Shore Accounts"
"Insider Trading Tips for Sale"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Willing to learn Spanish"
"Homeless Banker"
"Will do Windows"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Will cook books for food."
Pete Dey

A little something different this week. A cartoon inspired by the recent financial turmoil. Your assignment: What does the sign say?

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Thought I‘d share an e-mail I received this week:
I enjoy seeing your cartoons and reading the different captions each week. My sister who is blind likes to have them read to her and to have a description of the new cartoon each week. Keep up the good work!
Sincerely, Linda Chilton, Reidsville
Actually, it's you guys who deserve the kudos, as you do the hard work of writing the captions. I just get to take the credit.
Also, it seems like more and more, the judges around here are getting less unanimous about their choices. Sometimes I'm absolutely baffled at what others like — and don't like. But, that's why I use other judges; to be sure there is a broader sampling of taste. Also, to those of you who submitted entries very similar to those that won — you were either beaten to the punch or the judges may have liked the wording slightly better on another entry.

WINNER
"Hey, I was saving that for the game!"
Lisa Patteson, Summerfield

RUNNERS-UP
"Can I take you out to dinner in about 6 weeks?"
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Is that your lunch or should I buy cigars?"
Glenda Layton, Carthage

Yes, that outfit does make you look fat.
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

Plane trips are fun, aren't they!
Nancy Nelson

Old lady Evans has been calling her cat for hours. Know anything about that?
Bill Wallace, High Point

Come on Sue, cough it up. I want to go bowling.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

That really went straight to your hips.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
(you had about a half-dozen entries make the short-list)

I see your eyes were bigger than your stomach.
Frances Warren, Eden

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Oh no dear,not Verne Troyer!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Just one tiny little mint madam.(Monty Python)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
It's wafer thin …

Finally got the fat broad huh (B.C.)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
The lamer the better.

You are bloated from root beer carbonation sneaky snake.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"That gerbil was running like Richard Gere was after him. Have you seen him, honey?"
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I hope you didn't eat Brewster Rockit
Dr Mel said you were such a whiner!
Nancy Nelson

"His name is Tim Rickard and he approved this cartoon."
Gray Amick

BEST/WORST PUN
"I'll be seeing you a-round."
Rob Black, High Point

THE REST
"Have you seen my bowling ball?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Nice one. We kinda liked the wording of the runner-up one a little better though.

How are we gonna raise him? We don't have a pit to hiss in!
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"Watermelon or 100 snake-lets?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Is that your lunch or should I buy cigars?"
Glenda Layton, Carthage

1. I told you not to eat that watermelon seed!
2. And now your boyfriend's left town? What a bummer!
3. Yes, that outfit does make you look fat.
4. Been home for mom's cooking, eh?
5. It is something you ate?
6. Can I offer you some Ex-Lax?
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

Will you never learn, I told you He said not to eat from that tree!
Linda Phelps, Greensboro

"I can't believe you ate the whole thing"
Hazel Jones, Brown Summit

ForGET that you're bloated! You need to listen to me................if you put lipstick on a snake, it's still a snake!!!
Ronnie Mills

And then what happened after he said "eat me"?
I don't think they really mean it when they say "eat me"
Ronnie Mills, Greensboro

I thought Dad got the big piece of Chicken
Alex Kellner, Greensboro

"Why no, honey, I wouldn't say that outfit makes your behind look fat at all."
"I ssswear, Gladysss, I'll hunt rats all weekend if you'll just let me bowl again tonight!"
Judy Glazier, High Point
Nice first one. A lot of other entries in that vein, though.

"Did you eat Barry Bonds' head?"
Craven Peay, Summerfield
Clever

"Oh, so you are the ball python."
Craven Peay, Summerfield

I was sure I left it . . . say, are you sure you didn't touch it? What is it about apples anyway?!?!
Deb Timms, RoadArchdale

1. I can't take you anywhere!
2. Who's the daddy!
3. I am NOT the father!
4. I told you bowling balls weren't edible!
5. Where have you been, the cabbage patch?
6. You swallowed a watermelon didn't you?
7. Talk about weight gain.
8. You need to shed a few pounds!
9. Beauty is only skin deep!
10. Woh!
11. I told you I was the sperminator!
12. Wow!
13. Have you been playing basketball again.
14. That is definitely not an apple.
Nancy Nelson

I'm hungry lets go get something to eat............where are the kids?
Mary Lane-Smith

I TOLD you that cake was for the PTA bake sale!
Mary Lane-Smith

"Don't tell me your not going bowling tonight!"
No name given

PHEW! You have puppy breath!
TRIBB Roanoke, Va.

That may be a little rough on you in a few days.
TRIBB , Roanoke, Va.

So, When you say you ate Mexican tonight, you actually meant .....?
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

I hope that makes less noise going out than it did going in!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I've never been turned on as much as I am now.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

I hope that is not a gas bubble!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va

I usually have to wash them off after I sqeeze them before I swallow. You wouldn't believe the taste improvement!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

It always seems so quite after all the screaming stops.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Pleeease, Tell me thats Obama!
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Do monkeys give you a bad after taste?
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

When you give that final squeeze, Its always a good idea to have the hind end facing away from your mouth.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.
Good ones. Several made the short list

So, no bowling tonight, then.
I told you not to eat the apple.
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

Honey, have you seen my bowling ball?
Bob Shepard, Jamestown

1.)Wow,you are one harsh disciplinarian
2.)Did you just eat a bunny honey?
3.)That really went straight to your hips.
4.)Lipstick on a pig ,now this!
5.)I like big butts and I can't deny.....
6.)So, what happened to your last husband?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I LOVED number 5. Made me laugh. Strangely, no one else flagged it.
?????????????????
oh well ...

"Honest dear, eating all those rats doesn't make you look fat!"
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville

" Hope it was Lowfat ! "
" You look ready to EXPLODE ! "
" Hiss yes, Burp no ! "
" Need a Squeeze ? "
" They're right, you got a Big Mouth ! "
" You need to Shake, Rattle, & Roll ! "
" You ate without me ! "
" Let me guess, No Coiling Tonight ! "
" No Playing Chase the Tail Today ! "
" You look like a Crawling Camel !
" Does it HURT ! "
" Bet it's crawling inside you ! "
" Glad you got a thick skin ! "
" Makes my skin crawl you ate without me ! "
" What size cup you wear ? "
" But it's not Hump Day ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" You need to learn to Crawl before you Roll ! "
" Looks like you are on a ROLL ! "
" Told you about Shallowing Whole ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1.)When I said look out for the hoe I wasn't referring to you !
2.)Oh no dear,not Verne Troyer!!!!
3.)Somebody's been to the Garden of Eatin I see
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"What do you mean you are pregnant with octuplets by JIM BOA?"
Patsy Comer, Browns Summit

"What do you mean you ate a whole hippo?"
Patsy Comer, Browns Summit

"Have you seen my volleyball??"
Pat O'Donnell, Kernersville

1) Well, guess we better get hitched!
2) Maybe it's only gas...
3) Big turtles are hard to digest
4) Have you thought about Weight Watchers?
5) Classic case--your eyes are bigger than your tummy!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1.)Well,I guess that's one way to keep me from bowling with the guys.
2.)Hey,where did Bob and Shirley go?
3.)Sure,you're good for 6 months but what did you fix me for dinner?
4.)Would you like to see our dessert cart madam or did you eat that also?
5.)You're sooo sexy when you unhinge your jaw like that.
6.)Ever think of just savoring a meal for once?
7.)No wonder we never keep any friends!!!!
8.)Face facts Shirley,you're a bunny-a-holic.
9.)Just one tiny little mint madam.(monty python)
10.)Aren't you Fred,the cross dressing gerbil eater?
11.)Wow,that wasn't very ladylike at all!
12.)Yuck,you have really bad bunny breath 13.)You have a little bit of rat in your fangs.
14.)Those rats go straight to your asp.
15.)Wow,you just took out Riki tiki tavi
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Loved number 5, too. What gives with the other judges?

I can't believe you ate the whole thing!
Linda Chilton, Reidsville

Here is a submission for the Friday, September 26, 2008 "The Joke's On You."
"Honey, does this skin make me look fat or should I molt before the party?"
Steffany Gamsby, Colfax

15. I told you not to eat the seeds.
16. Do you have PMS?
17. Crush it!
18. Hiss, hiss, hiss!
18. Who knew cuddling would do this!
19. It's just gas, it'll pass!
20. Did you say you feel something wiggling in there?
21. I don't want to burst your bubble!
22. I see you went to the pumpkin patch without me!
23. I can burst your balloon if you want!
24. How many times do I have to tell you, spit the seeds out!
25. That had better be an emu egg!
26. Eve, Adam just wasn't right for you!
27. Don't hiss at me!
28. I hope you didn't eat Brewster Rockit!
29.Rats!
30. I hope that's not Farmer Brown's new baby!
31. What a melon!(Watermelon)
32. Snakes alive!
33. Snakes can't jump!
34. You can't slither up the ladder in that condition!
35. Plane trips are fun, aren't they!
36. You bowl me over.
37. Gross!
38. Bite me!
39. It's a boa!
Nancy Nelson
I liked # 39 too.

"I was saving that."
"You know I was saving that."
"Hey, I was saving that for the game!"
Lisa Patteson, Summerfield

If you put lipstick on a pig, does it still taste like a pig?
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
Not bad …

1.)Some of that pig's lipstick rubbed off .
2.)Oh no, not mini me !
3.)You can't end every arguement that way.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Well, I guess her ophidiophobia was pretty justified after all.
2.)Well,I guess her snakephobia was pretty justified after all.
3.)Keep away ,I have ophidiophobia!
4.)You're supposed to use apples for tempting not eating.
5.)Finally got the fat broad huh (B.C.)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (I KNOW THESE ARE LAME BUT I'M SENDING THEM ANYWAY)

"Monty Python is the name, sweetheart."
"And you say you don't know where my bowling ball is?"
"Dear, you've simply lost your figure."
"I didn't say. "Eat a basketball." I said, "Neat, a basketball."
"They said you are supposed to breath deeply when contractions start."
"Uh, is it bigger than a breadbox?"
"No daugher of mine is going out wearing lipstick. I don't care how long
you hold your breath."
"Of course I can't reach in and pull it out!"
"You need to get more excercise."
"Weight-Watchers worked for me!"
"I'll be seeing you a-round."
"There's reason we don't go out slithering together anymore."
"And then he said, "Push" and it was all over."
You gotta give the basketball one a solid look. I think it is a good one.
Rob Black, High Point

1.) I'm guessing that's will put an end to snake handling during the pentecostal children's sermon.
2.)I guess he wasn't that charming.
3.)You are bloated from root beer carbonation sneaky snake.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Going for that Loch Ness figure?"
"I liked it when you were finicky."
"Guess now's the perfect time to say..."
"Gee, thanks for asking!"
"Anyone ever teach you to chew?"
"Bigmouth."
"You look like a Brontosaurus with no legs."
no name given

Have you seen dinner?
I can't believe you ate the whole thing ...
That's going to sit like a rock in your stomach ...
Have you seen Pumba?
I thought that only Roseanne had a mouth that big
You should have eaten Roseanne BEFORE she sang the National Anthem ...
You ate the Pig with the Lipstick, didn't you.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

40. I'm not a snake in the grass.
41. Dr Mel said you were such a whiner!
42. Indigestion?! 43. Adder girl!
44. Quick ,shed your skin!
45. Gotta be a Wharf Rat!!
46. Now you want to cuddle!
Nancy Nelson

Looks like you'll deliver in time for "March Madness."
Trying to get in the City of G'boro ACC Hall of Fame on High Point Road, eh?
You might want to reconsider your "white wedding gown" decision.
Joan Lux Greensboro

You ate HOW MANY enchiladas?
I never thought of you as slack-jawed before.
Those all-you-can-eat buffets are killers, aren't they?
Are you thinking "implode" or "explode"?
I don't think you'll hear "if you've seen one snake . . ." again.
At least your lipstick still looks good.
Somebody's been in the pumpkin patch.
Somebody's been in the watermelon patch.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Maury Povich called and the DNA test is in. Adam will meet us there.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

"Not hungry? Why?
"Have you seen my brother?
"Tumor my tail! You ate our pet!!
"Is that a hamster in you stomach or are puffed up to see me?
"Eating marinated mice again at the den!!
"You can't slither now, stupid!
"Less time at the den and more in the gym!
"That's not how you use a prophylactic!!
"You won the Who Can Swallow the Bowling Ball contest??!!
"Don't lie. You ate at your girl snake's place again!!
"No wonder you weren't picked for Snakes on a Plane!
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1.)So,how was your plane flight?
2.)That Obama guy will put lipstick on anything.
3.)Oh no,not fraggle rock!
4.)I think you were a tad harsh on the kids!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"That's not what I meant when I said try Jenny Craig."
"Whoa, va va voom!"
"Is that lunch or are you just glad to see me?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I liked the first one. Surprisingly, the other judges overlooked it.

Was that apple already nibbled when you found it?
Tell me you didn't get that apple from my "special" tree.
Stop with the "kumquat" story -- I KNOW you swallowed an apple.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"I don't have to ask if you swallow!"
"I didn't mean you when I made the lipstick on a pig comment."
"After your meal digests, come on over to my hole for dessert."
"So is your appetite that insatiable for other things?"
"And you say that I'm full of it!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1. You swallowed my Michael Jordan autographed basketball?
2. Have you seen my Michael Jordan autographed basketball?
3. I assume you don't care to go to dinner tonight!
4. I think it's time you started an exercise program.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

" Where's my bowling ball ? "
" Let's Roll ! "
" I am keeping my eyes on the Ball ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"So, honey, the gynecologist started you on "the Pill" today?"
Paul Walter, High Point

"No, dear, of course snake skin doesn't make your ass look big."
Russ Eagle, Salisbury

1.)I guess that froggy won't go a courtin' any more.
2)When I said look out for that big hoe I didn't mean you!
2.)Somebody's ready for a new skin.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Well yeah, three's a crowd but I believe we could have worked something out."
"Why didn't you get that to go?"
"Why do you think that mouse had eaten pinto beans?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "Hey! I was saving that rat for Animal Planet."
2. "I heard your last relationship didn't end so well."
3. "No, that rat doesn't make you look fat."
4. "Can I take you out to dinner in about 6 weeks?"
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Its just a gas bubble, I promise!
I haven't seen your bowling ball.
Do you want to go get something to eat?
What is your dad going to say?
How do I know it's mine? I heard you were out with Bo Constrictor last month too.
The ultrasound showed HOW MANY?????
Tony Hummel, Jamestown
I liked the last one

Well, there goes our Halloween pumpkin.
Who is the baby's daddy?
You look like you have been out with big Boa again.
Its going to be a lot of stretching going on soon.
Me? I want a DNA test.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

" Was that your first watermelon ?"
" When is the due date ?"
" Do not play basketball again !"
" You ate the whole thing ?"
" Don't look at ME like that. I was out of town !"
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

Come on Sue, cough it up. I want to go bowling.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

Next time, just the helium, not the whole balloon.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

"But my mom criticizes everyone's cooking, not just yours."
"Obviously, it takes one lick to get to the center of an owl."
"That gerbil was running like Richard Gere was after him. Have you seen him, honey?"
"There's a guy at the door on a horse. Got a note sayin' he's from some place called Sleepy Hollow. He's asking for you."
"That was a lawyer. I'll get the Pepto-Bismol."
"You can't be rabid. Oh, gravid? I'll get the 12 cribs out. Again."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Maybe Nancy Nelson summed it up best with this caption entry: "Tim, this stinks." This week's really had you guys struggling. Even with the extra time and about double the normal amount of entries didn't help. A lot of "two heads are better that one" captions, as well as "no intelligent life" references. So I did what I always do in these situations - I go for the juvenile humor. But a lot of good inside jokes and obscure cultural references, though. See below.

WINNER
We must never pull his finger again!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

RINNERS-UP
Now let's make him a diverse partner and leave them in an orchard.
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

Think we should include him in our spay- and-neuter program?
Bill Wallace, High Point

"I hate these Out-of Network patients."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Bet he won't make travel arrangements on-line again.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"You think that might NOT be a USB port?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Just so you know, we didn't enjoy that either.
TRIBB, Roanoke, Va.

Yea, it's nothing much to look at, but the little built-in handle is kinda cool!
Barbara Zeller, Climax

BEST INSIDE JOKE
We will release you human but we will return in two weeks in a very similar cartoon by Dave Coverly.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

We would probe that Rickard guy again but he likes it way too much!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(who told?)

Glad we have another week to figure out what to do with him.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Should we call Mike Rowe with Dirty Jobs?? (Sorry, Christine couldn't resist)
Nancy Nelson

"Don't worry...he can just tell them he's on vacation this week."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"It's no use. He simply will not tell us the winning caption."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

" PLEASEEEEE tell us that you brought the new Tim Rickards Brewster Rockit Book....we've been waiting an aeon!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

We have no idea why we do this, but it beats working in the Brewster Rocket strips.
TRIBB, Raonoke, Va.

"He keeps mentioning a 'Dr. Mel'.
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
(Shameless Brewster plugs, welcome)

We can't probe you this week.We are on vacation!!!!!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"He is upset. He can't write his JOY blog"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I hope ALL the humans aren't like this one they call Rickard..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
He's dead Jim.
Damon H

Let's brainwash Mr. Cruise and set him free.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

"Marvin said that humans had long ears and cotton-tails..."
Jon Barsanti Jr

And now, from my favorite book: "To Serve Man".
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

How to serve man?Gross! I'm thinking Arbys.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
(I hear some of the recipes in there are delicious)

1.)Would the man and two robots in the front row please stop the wise cracks
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Sadly, they did.

What's my motivation for this scene Mr.Wood?
I thought you said Ed Wood was a very respected director!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(He is! Just check out "Plan 9 from Outer Space")

1.)Hurry up and probe him, I have tickets to the Foo Fighters
Mr. Tribbett adds: (foo fighters were the first ufos seen during WWII by fighter pilots.They were glowing balls that would play tag with their airplanes ,hundreds of pilots saw them,Saw it on history channel and googled it)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth shattering kaboom?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Our mission is called Plan 10.
Our cousin Marvin suggested this place.
We are from France.
Mars needs women,but no fat chicks please.
We must cure Agent Mulder of his sex addiction
Maybe the Earth stood still but his bowels sure didn't
(And now for some "Rocky Horror picture show references …)
Lets do the time warp again!
Make note,never let Dr Frankenfurter do the probing again!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I actually like Slim Whitman's yodeling but it gives me horrible headaches.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(Think "Mars Attacks")
Mars needs women.Our laundry is really piling up
(So that was what the movie was about)
You must bring us a shrubbery.
(Or we'll say "Nee" at you again.)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

He's no Leeloo (5th Element)
He's No Milla Jovovich (5th element)
Jon Barsanti Jr

Do you remember the recipe for soylent green?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(The recipe is in the book "To Serve Man")

THE REST
1. Two heads are always better than one!
2. Why did he ask if we were one- eyed people eaters?
3. Make up your mind which half of his brain do you want!
4. His mother's egg must have mutated!
5. How far do you think he can see with those scrawny eyes.
6. Do you think he hears with those two things that are attached to the side of his head!
7. Why did he say he was seeing double?
8. He said we had a split personality!
Nancy Nelson, Greensboro

See--there's definitely no sign of intelligent life here!
Charlie Finch, Greensboro

THIS is their leader???
Charlie Finch, Greensboro

We can figure this out...after all, two heads are better than one.
Look at those beady eyes!
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro

"Such a puny-looking specimin. Two eyes, one head--It's obviously of a lower evolutionary level."
Ken Layton, Carthage

We can figure this out...after all, two heads are better than one.
Look at those beady eyes!

"Of all the creatures in the universe, I think this is the scariest."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Is he seeing double, or are we?"
Sandra B. Smith, Browns Summit

" This test should prove two heads are better than one ! "
" Heads will roll if we don't do this right ! "
" Wouldn't have to do this left or right brain test if he was like us ! "
" Wonder if he sleeps with one eye open ? "
" His eyes look like a couple of flying saucers ! "
" Keep an eye on him while I get some shut-eye ! "

"Evolution must be down sizing , two eyes , one head ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

He does not have a split personality.
James Durham-Greensboro.

"Lowes has a sale on log splitters"??
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

" Maybe we should think twice about this ! "
" Are we having second thoughts about this ? "
" On second thought ??? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Let's put lipstick on him.
Jerry Kyle

" Obviously, he doesn't think like us ! "
" Seems like left & right brain in same head would conflict ! "
" Remarkable ! Siamese brains, left & right in one head ! "
" We're HEADS and shoulders above this species ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington,

"...it's lasted more than 4 hours. Should we call a physician?"
Walt Moyer, Graham
I liked this one.

"Thinks he knows everything."
Alex Potter, Greensboro

"One for the money. The second one's for show."
Alex Potter, Greensboro

"Do you think it will work?"
"Do you think it's going to work?"
"I don't think this is going to work."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I guess 2 heads are better than 1.
Robert Atwood, Greensboro

We should throw him back until he gets bigger.
Empty.
Empty...just like the others.
Chuck Buckley

Now what was that episode on the Food Network about?
Sydney E.
This idea was a contender. Needed different wording though …

Man is he ugly.
I don't see anything in there.
Now which planet did we get him from.
Chloe E.

He's dead Jim.
Do you think his brain fell out when we caught him
Damon H

I thought you said we were having brain.
Did you leave the tractor beam on again?
Caesar L

Why did we turn Mom into a human?
James M

When we suck out his should it go in my head or yours.
Nia B

"Hmm.where do we put the other one?"
"Where do you want to put the other one?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Where do you want to put the other end?"
"You put the male lead on him, didn't you?
"Are you sure you put the male lead on him?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Well, Thats where the instructions said to put it.
Maybe the table is cold?
Well, so much for Mexican food experiment.
Sorry, He always makes the "Probe" joke.
Just so you know, we didn'y enjoy that either.
I hope you didn't need both of those.
Sorry about the Orangutan experiment. We thought primates were primates.
I'm not sure you will still like us when certain memories resurface years from now.
Uh, remember when we told you that this would be "virtually" painless?
Just for the record, that wasn't supposed to happen.
Funny thing is, we didn't even know the tip unscrewed before now.
This would be easier on everyone involved if you tried not to clench.
We have no idea why we do this, but it beats working in the Brewster Rocket strips.
TRIBB, Raonoke, Va. ( I promise I'm done for now)

1.)What a strange place for the second head.
2.)Make note,extreme pupil dilation when probe inserted into rear portal.
3.)So many openings to probe, so little time
4.)Brain scan indicates that he who smelt it dealt it.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

His name is Abbie Normal. (Like leftovers-if you liked it then . . .)
J. C. Winkle

He said his name is Spock.
J. C. Winkler

And now, from my favorite book: "To Serve Man".
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

1.)We found a small polyp so we recommend you get reprobed in a year.
2.)Maybe we should start warming the exam tables.
3.)His brain scan indicates he is trying to contemplate why anyone would put lipstick on a pig.
4).We really need to start giving enemas before we probe!
5.)His brain scan indicates he is scared yet slightly turned on.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)If we disassemble him maybe he will fit in the luggage compartment.
2.)Maybe the Earth stood still but his bowels sure didn't.
3.)How to serve man?Gross!
I'm thinking Arbys. (the doofus from Roanoke is my brother)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

" Earthlings will never evolve ahead of us ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"There's only one place left to probe."
"Can we dissect this one?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1.)Why does he keep trying to cough on us?
2.)Why did he giggle when we stated that we are here to probe Uranus for Klingons?
3.)Remind me to abduct some deoderant next time.
4.)The noxious gas they emit when startled must be a defense mechanism.
5.)We come in peace ,other than this little abduction thingy.
6.)We are here to learn of this thing you call an eyepod.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Well, there's our proof..........2 heads ARE better than one."
"So, That's what a two-eyed monster looks like."
Rosemary Keever, High Point

" Yes, he is a strange looking creature."
" Let's call him ET."
" Oh no, the operation went terribly wrong."
" I agree, let's send him back."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

1.)Would the man and two robots in the front row please stop the wise cracks! (MST3000 I miss you).
2.)We don't have a transporter.We just chop you up and shoot you thru a vacuum tube.
3.)If you plug those three front holes it turns a pretty blue color.
4.)Resistance is futile,we will assimilate you, yada yada yada ..
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)We are siamese if you please....
2.)Deja vu dude,it seems like we've probed him before.
3.)Yes human,two heads are better than one.
3.)Yeah,the X files got a little hard for me to follow at the end.
4.)Take us to your leader,the one you call Gilligan.
5.)What's my motivation for this scene Mr.Wood?
6.)Would the guy with the 2 crudely made robots in the front row please shut the heck up!
7.)Yeah,I agree.The Outtakes with the rock collider was a hoot.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"It sure is weird looking, isn't it?"
"If this is their best and brightest, no wonder their planet's in peril."
"Wow...the elusive one-headed creature of earth."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1.)Maybe we should use something more advanced than a collander for brain scans.
2.)We will release you human but we will return in two weeks in a very similar cartoon by Dave Coverly.
3.)Geez,these low grade sci-fi movies have the cheesiest sets.
4.)I thought you said Ed Wood was a very respected director!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

This explains those funny looking glasses!
David Robinette, Rockingham County

"Is it done yet?"
"It's no use. He simply will not tell us the winning caption."
"Aww, I wanted mine medium rare."
"I really don't think he knows his credit score."
"Now we know what they are thinking; within a 2 point margin of error."
"I told you it would get soggy under the hot lamp."
"I've got half a mind to stop this test."
"I still say his owner may come for him."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)So, you say we don't have to mind wipe you because you pinky swore not to tell?
2.)We would probe that Rickard guy again but he likes it way too much!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Egad, two eyes in one head!"
"Two heads are better than one."
"No, there is no reversing this."
"You should be seeing double."
"No, we don't have a smaller size."
"Look, it's one of those aliens from outer space!"
"No, we've never been to any place called Roswell."
"You know that ear design would keep ours from filling up with rain water."
"I told you they were real."
"Look at those beady little eyes."
"Don't make fun of our uniform!"
"No you can't watch Andy Griffith reruns!"
"What is Mars coming to?"
"You cannot date our daughter!"
"How dare you make fun of our uniform!"
"We're fans of the Suns up here, not the Bobcats."
"What is that pointed thing on the front of his face?"
"It seems to be some sort of beak."
"We just wanted to do our own version of the John McCain story."
"John McCain said to outsource his commercials."
"Two separate people with two separate heads running for election?"
"When the procedure is done, you'll look just like us!"
"This reminds you of the Twilight Zone?"
"Coach Davis, we were told to keep you here until after the NC State game."
"Of course we are ambidextrous."
"We're here to gather all the information we can about Star Trek."
"Bigfoot! There can't be!"
Rob Black, High Point

9. Who's he calling an alien?!
10. This alien is deformed!
11. He said he had double vision!
12. He said he was seeing double!
Nancy Nelson

13. Why does he keep mumbling Double Whammy?!
14. Remember you took the Hippocratic Oath!
Nancy Nelson

"Marvin said that humans had long ears and cotton-tails..."
"I thought that two heads were better than one..."
"He has two eyes on the same side of his head, he must have evolved from flounders..."
"We need to find him a shirt with one head hole - this will be tough ..."
Jon Barsanti Jr

Yea, it's nothing much to look at, but the little built-in handle is kinda cool!
Barbara Zeller, Climax

What experiment could we run that Rickard has'nt?
His thoughts are so out in space we don't need to erase his memory.
The dog gave us more information.
We will not harm you.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

1.)We meant to abduct the guy behind you but we have lousy depth perception.
2.)He is disrobed and ready to be probed.
3.)We are the Siamese Cyclops from the center of Saturn.
4.)I apologize in advance for any probing mishaps due to our poor depth perception.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) I told you before,questions first,mind wipe second!
2.)Mars needs women.Our laundry is really piling up
3.)You must bring us a shrubbery.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)We're a one eyed,no horned,nonflying,double headed green guy eater.
2.)We come from Uranus which has turbulent winds and toxic gases
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"the experiment went well but we better keep an EYE on him"
M. Carbo, Summerfield

Bet he won't make travel arrangements on-line again.
Said his original itinerary didn't include a layover in Roswell, New Mexico.
Buy two frozen pies and we can have cute aluminum hats.
So why did the mother ship dump this one on us?
He doesn't look special to these four eyes.
He looks confuzzled.
He's already looking pretty shocked.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Two heads are better than one, especially if one wears lipstick.
Do we really care if he's a jogger?
I say he's a keeper -- he eats veggies AND jogs!
He's worried about someone named "old Sparky" ?

" Forget you ever saw US ! "
" Let's just forget we ever met ! "
" You will not remember a thing ! "
" We stand by each other always ! "
" Time to clear our heads ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

What a freak, two eyes and only one head.
Don't be jealous he is not my type.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

" That's funny, I forgot how to turn off the brain memory machine ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Have You lost Your Mind ! ! ! "
" I think he's lost his mind ! "
" Don't be playing mind games with me ! "
" I really don't like mind games ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" If you cooperate :~) ... if you don't :~( ... choice is yours ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" :~) or :~( .... choice is yours ! "
" Forget It "
" Just forget it, MAN ! "
" Yes ! We are two-faced ! You're here for more than a visit ! "
" He wants us to forget our differences ! "
" Visitors are not welcomed ! "
" You forgot to say, May I . "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Ha ! He thinks his double vision is from drinking ! "
" Yes ! You are in double trouble ! "
" No double-talk, we'll tell you straight ! "
" Double shots landed you here ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

That muzak really calms them down
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1) What exactly are we looking for with all this probing ?
2) We've got to stop abducting people from trailer parks.
3) You can keep him but you do all the talking when we go through customs.
4) The minute we get back I'm transferring to the crop circle department !!!
5) Why do we always get probe duty ?
6) He must save a fortune on hats .
7) He was ok until I told him L. Ron Hubbard wasn't lying .
8) Let's brainwash Mr. Cruise and set him free.
9) I think it's going to be harder to assimilate than we originally thought.
10) I love it when their eyes do that when we mention the probe !!!
11) I told you Mr. Shatner was one of us. You owe me $5.
12) We've been traveling for 100 light years, forget your leader, take us to your restroom !!!
13) Ask him how we get a Myspace page.
14) Don't laugh, remember we got him out of the pool.
15) He looks edible.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

They are just giving us the CEOs of AIG,FreddieMac and Fannie Mae.No need for abduction.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Wow only one head! Weird
Kim Youngdahl

Boy, two heads really ARE better than one.
I hope I put the cap on the right end.
Linda Woodard

Funny, he looks like an alien to me too.
His one head looks soooooo familiar.
I still think he looks like a scared Brad Pitt.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"I dunno either. The manual clearly states he has two heads."
Barbara Cashman (sorry Tim, couldn't resist) Greensboro
I won't say which one does the majority of thinking

1.)Hurry up and probe him, I have tickets to the Foo Fighters
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So, that's what we would look like if we put our heads together.
With only one brain, I wonder how he made it here.
Dwight Hicks, Greensboro

'INTERESTING! ONE head and TWO eyes!
But will it ever catch on?
How could he ever get around?
Ig! Gud eek sab optivisz probo!
Keith Peddie - Greensboro

1. "His brain waves just keep repeating, "I'm thinking Arby's.""
2. "Sad, his IQ only measures 190."
3. "What do you think Jeff?" "I'm not sure Mutt."
4. "He sure is ugly."
5. "Think he would like one of our sulfuric-acid flavored shakes?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. "They always have that deer in headlights look."
2. "I hate these Out-of Network patients."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

1) "Dr. McCoy, we hated to call you but we've got a splitting headache."
2) "Dr. McCoy, we hated to beam you up, but we've got a splitting headache."
3) "We thought we called a HUNAN Restaurant for delivery!"
4) "We've only got two more procedures to check off of our practice list... The Frankenstein, and The Kevorkian."
5) "No sir, those would be one-eyed, one horned, flyin' purple people eaters...no relation."
6) "Eat you?? No, only the One-eyed, one horned, flyin' purple people eaters do that."
7) "All we know is that our mother worked for Geico and she says that we have our dad's skin tone."
8) "We'd like to know more about our home town....all we know is that we were born in a place called Area 51."
9) "Our reception isn't very good up here...is Martha Stewart still on?"
10) "OK, how 'bout this one...Lucy, Ricky, Fred & Ethel get stuck in an alpine lodge due to an avalanche... did they get out?"
11) "Whaddya think that thing in the middle with two holes is??
12) "Boy, are these human blow up dolls LifeLike!!!"
13) "Boy, these human blow up dolls really ARE as life like as the ad says!!"
14) "Hummm, they don't usually fly in tech support...our computer problem must be bigger than we thought."
15) "You didn't happen to bring any contact lens solution with you, did you?"
16) "You didn't happen to bring any contact lens solution with you, did you? We're almost out."
17) "We've recently been diagnosed as BiPolar and we would like to have a therapy session."
18) "Our mission is to bring Peace to Earth, so we're polling humans....paper or plastic?"
19) "Our mission is to bring Peace to Earth, so we're polling humans....Ginger or MaryAnne?"
20) " PLEASEEEEE tell us that you brought the new Tim Rickards Brewster Rockit Book....we've been waiting an aeon!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"You don't happen to know if a Dr.Frankenstein is still alive do you?"
"Our Dad is a Dr.Frankenstein...do you know him?"
"You don't happen to know a Dr.Frankenstein, do you...he's our Dad."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"There's only one thing left that we haven't probed!"
"Do you think he sees double with both eyes on the same head like that??"
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

" Never encountered a split personality before ? "
" Says he likes double header games ! "
" We like to play Double Jepardy ! "
" Strange request, Juice in the AM ! "
" Sorry we have no clothes in your neck size ! "
" Stimulating conversation. "
" This should spark up our conversation. "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Where's the petroleum jelly? He's worried about his hair getting frizzed.
Lucky so-and-so -- he never gets more than one headache at a time.
Says his head hurts -- half of a headache pain pill ought to work for him.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"So you support off planet drilling."
"I had no idea registering for the crop circle webinar would be this complicated."

"He's think of reporting us to the USDA for the recent rash of cattle mutilations."
Gray Amick, Milky Way Galaxy

"The earthling thinks he's seeing double."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

"I don't like it. He's talking out of both sides of his mouth."
Haircut: $15 Grocery bill: $50 Having no one to share bathroom with: Priceless
"He keeps mentioning a 'Dr. Mel'.
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

15. Do you think he knows where Elvis went?
16. He's about as intelligent as Brewster.
17. He's about as intelligent as Dr. Mel.
18. Tim, this stinks.
19. I think we should clone him and then we'll both have one.
20. Do you think OMNI would like pictures.
21. Tim, what do we now!
22. He's creepy! 23. Head or Tail! 24. Should we call Mike Rowe with Dirty Jobs??
(Sorry, Christine couldn't resist)
25. That stare gives me the hebby jebbies.
26. This will be a good one to tell his grandkids!
27. Our grandkids will love this one! 28. That stare creeps me out!
29. We need to sent this one back to Brewster!
Nancy Nelson

"Since two heads are better than one, think we should add a third?"
Jay Moore, Jamestown

30. Adam shouldn't have listened to Eve!
31. No signs of intelligent life here!
32. I told you this planet had no intelligent life forms!
33. Do you think he'll make a good pet for our son?
24. Are you getting hungary?!
Nancy Nelson

Said he met Tim at a Trekkie convention a couple of weeks ago.
Glad we have another week to figure out what to do with him.
He's a captive audience -- give him the election spiel.
What's a "magic fingers" bed?
Where's he from thinking we'd have a "magic fingers" bed?
He says we'd blend right in in his hometown.
Is it just me or is he missing something?
Which on-line translation service shall we use?
He'll be fine once we crank the number bed up to 8.
Quick, get the pomade, his hair is frizzing.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

35. So this is what you got for our frequent flyer miles!
36. I thought you were going to take Obama or McCain!
Nancy Nelson

Are you sure this is the best they had?
Pam Hart, Siler City

"Don't worry...he can just tell them he's on vacation this week."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Two heads ARE better than one!"
Rynn McGee-Pierce, Summerfield

21.(correction) Tim, what do we do now!
37. I think we should fatten him before...!
Nancy Nelson

"You will give birth in approximately nine earth months."
"No one will know that you are giving birth to an extraterrestrial-your baby will look completely human."
"No one will know that you are giving birth to an extraterrestrial-you baby will look completely normal."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Please do not be alarmed. this is simply a procedure to correct your condition."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"What's this anesthetic he speaks of? Nevermind, commence drilling!
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"What a strange creature--only one head and two eyes."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Ummm, don't cha' think he needs more work - AHA ! it's his eyes - they're set too close together.."
Pat Vaughn, Madison

"Twins are separated at birth?"
"We were just born with motion sickness"

38. Bon Appetit!
39. What do you think would make a good appetizer?!
40.Don't you think his eyeballs look delicious?!
41. Shh, he can still hear us! Nancy Nelson
"This human was caught faking crop circles."
Rick Meehan, Graham

1.)Our mission is called Plan 10.
2.)Our cousin Marvin suggested this place.
3)Lets do the time warp again!
4.)We can't probe you this week.We are on vacation!!!!!!
5.)You don't have to strip 'em naked for brain scans pervert
6.)We've had our vaccinations this time human
7.)Make note,never let Dr Frankenfurter do the probing again!
8.)Brain scans indicate that hooters make him happy.
9.)This is the weirdest porno I've ever been in.
10.)We traced that rover back to you guys.
11.)We are from France.
12.)Mars needs women,but no fat chicks please.
13.)Our neck hole technology is vastly superior.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I told you they only had half the intelligence.
Mike Meehan, Cadillac Michigan
Good one, from Michigan

1.)We must cure Agent Mulder of his sex addiction.
2.)We will need a strechable top strap for the human they call Pamela Anderson.
3.)Repeat after me,The truth ain't out there so quit yer lookin.
4.)Duuuude,look what he did on our exam table.
5.)We must never pull his finger again!\
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)We will release you agent Mulder if you can refrain from humping the starboard thrusters and licking the photon torpedoes.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Hey, Why are they looking at me?
Sherry Fuller, Kernersville

1.) I don't think we can hold this pose for another week Mr. Rickard!
2.) ( those poor cartoons, not even a bathroom break)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Sir,we don't think we can hold this pose for another week! Mr.Rickard!?Sir!?
2.) I actually like Slim Whitman's yodeling but it gives me horrible headaches.
3.)The human has asked for a little Slim Whitman music as his last request.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"We can try to remove an eye or split the head"
"It looks friendly, Should make a good pet!"
"He doesn't realize this is just a dream!"
"He is having a nightmare. We represent his mother-in-law!"
"Not as interesting as the female named Hilton we just released"
"They come in different sizes and flavors"
"The biology lab want to dissect"
"I wonder what it taste like?"
"Poor creature. It has no head mate!"
"His name is Tim Rickard"
"He is upset. He can't write his JOY blog"
"Dr. Righteyestein, your monster is awake!"
"Great protein source and there are 5 billion more!"
"With all the plump ones available, why did they teleport this skinny guy?"
"Notice the shrinkage, apparently caused by cold air"
"Where on earth did you find him?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I told you there was nothing in there"
Debra Schaben, Kernersville

"Hurry. After February 19, we won't be able to read any of their signals."
"Right brained, left brained, it's silly to argue over."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1) Think we need to put our heads together on this one?
2) Not sure we shoulda brought it back with us!
3) You're right--two heads are better than one!
Bill Beerman, 3606A Wildflower, Greensboro

He's no Leeloo (5th Element)
He's No Milla Jovovich (5th element)
Jon Barsanti Jr

3. "That's creepy - his eyes move in sync."
4. "How do they know when they're talking to themselves?"
5. "Looks like another Out-of-Network patient."
6. "He was in this condition when we abducted him from Wall Street."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Do you remember the recipe for soylent green?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Well if he doesn't breathe through it and he can't pick up the peanut with it then what's it used for?"
"Maybe we need a bigger probe?"
"What do you think...shiny side up or shiny side down?"
"Maybe if we put the light bulb in it's MOUTH we'll be able to see if it lights up this time?!?!?"
"I'm thinking maybe 450 for about 45 minutes should be good..."
"The other cap doesn't seem to fit as well as this one does..."
"I told you we shouldn't keep the probes in the freezer..."
"I think he's supposed to turn his head and cough..."
"I hope ALL the humans aren't like this one they call Rickard..."
"You would think Mr. Cruise would've expected this to happen eventually..."
"Do you think it might be another arm or maybe a third leg?"
"I told you to pack an extension cord..."
"Would you look at that...three prong plug and only a two prong outlet..."
"Do you have it set up so that if one human goes out the others will stay lit?"
"That's really the only other place to plug it in to that I can see..."
"All we keep getting are X rated images...this guy must be some type of addict..."
"Gillian Anderson naked...over and over and over again..."
"Maybe we should try the Probinator?!?!?"
"What do you mean he doesn't have Bluetooth?"
"You think that might NOT be a USB port?"
"We're a PC and apparently he's a MAC..."
"Subject 34534 - George W. Bush - President - No recordable brain waves whatsoever."
"I would've thought it would be cooked by now..."
"I told you not to buy Mind Reading Equipment on eBay..."
"What does Wikipedia say about alien abductions and anal probes??"
"You would think they would come with a longer cord than that..."
"I told you to read the instructions but no, you had to do it all by yourself..."
"Do you think if we wrapped it in aluminum foil we could get HBO to come in?"
"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth shattering kaboom?"
"I think if we plug it in THERE it will cause an endless loop...don't you think?"
"Maybe we was in the pool..."
"I'm not going to touch it...YOU touch it..."
"I hope this one doesn't explode like the last one did..."
"Do you think they'll make us clean up after this one too?"
"Lets only go to 5 this time so we don't have a repeat of what happened to the last one..."
"Just remember how expensive it is to have our uniforms dry cleaned..."
"Keep in mind that this is our last clean uniform..."
"Do you think he smokes?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

SNAIL MAIL (more to come)
Now let's make him a diverse partner and leave them in an orchard.
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

Think we should include him in our spay- and-neuter program?
Bill Wallace, High Point

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

WINNER"He started it."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"So this is why you quit breast feeding."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I sure am glad we put that bib on him."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Maybe he'll absorb some by osmosis.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

How about calling Mike Rowe with Dirty Jobs.
Christine Keaton, Randleman

"He is going to be a great goalie!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

'The airplane didn't land and the train went of the track. What other vehicle can we try?"
Jon Barsanti Jr.

"Gesundheit."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Also - Tribb, Roanoke, Va

Honey, we can't feed him any more; his clothes are too full
Jordan W.

BEST "CAPTION FROM WRONG CARTOON" ENTRY
Monkey ask for Jane!!

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
1. Look, it's crottled greeps, Brewster's favorite
Marcia Minsky
Mmmmmm. Crottled Greeps.

What are we going to do if your mother does become vice-president ?
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

"Sen. Palin, one last question."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
(Not exactly obscure, but definitely topical.)

"Where's John Belushi when you need him ..." (Food Fight - Animal House)
Jon Barsanti Jr

"I Swear his head turned all the way around."
"Are you sure Linda Blair wasn't the egg donor?"
Jon Barsanti Jr

1.)I realize the cuisine is not up to your usual standards but please be more cooperative little Thadeus Montclair III.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Even google couldn't help me out on this one.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Open wide.It can't be worse than this cartoon."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"We need some newspaper on the floor so he won't make a mess. Grab the section with the caption in it."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
Just glad I can provide a useful service

"Either Tim stops sneezing or we stop modeling."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

I know you loved the potatoheads but you need to eat!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Little John is soooo picky Mrs. Batchelor
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

We could feed him tater tots!
Nancy Nelson

THE REST
1. Yuk!
2. You need to finish so Mommie can give us a bath!
3. Popeye, eat your spinach so you can grow up big and strong.
4. Kal-El, If you want to be a superhero you need to eat!
5. Gross!
6. If it's good enough for me, if's good enough for you.
7. It's not Kyptonite!
8. If you want a car someday, you'll eat this! 9. Now's not the time for a food fight!
10. Just one bite, I don't want to lose this bet!
11. Daddy will buy you...!
Nancy Nelson

12.Our waitress looks disgusted!
13.Son you're making me look bad!
14. Never again! 15. Happy meal, not!
16. Grow up!
17. Stop being so juvenile!
Nancy Nelson

18. Honey, you were right this is a job!
19. Gerber needs to recall this one!
20. Are we having fun yet?!
21. Would you like something else?!
22. Tell you the truth, I never liked baby food myself!
23. Last chance!
Nancy Nelson

" Open Sesame ! ! ! "
" Son ! Our family name is Manners ! "
" Let's hope he never takes up chewing tobacco ! "
" Knock..Knock... ! "
" Let's make a deal ! "
" Wonder where he gets this spitting & spatting from, Mommy ? "
" Where's our Global Positioning System ? "
" Close those eyes and open wide for big surprise ! "
" We are playing a game of Got You Last ! "
" He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth ! "
" Sure doesn't have mommy's mouth ! "
" Let's play doctor ! Say AHHHH ! "
" This is a real hit or miss proposition ! "
" Going to be just like you dad ! "
" Quick ! Go get my JAWS movie ! "
" Father knows best ! "
" You can sure tell he's home spoon-fed ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

24. Some day you'll thank me for this!
25. So you don't like mommy's cooking!
26. Honey, we have a food critic on own hands.
27. With the cost of food going up you have got to stop being so picky!
28. It won't give you gas!
Nancy Nelson

" Can you hear those lyrics of Cat's In The Cradle ? "
" My ears are ringing Cat's In The Cradle ! "
" And the cat's in the cradle, and the silver spoon,Little Boy Blue, and the Man in the moon... "
" Who said a spoonful of sugar will help the medicine go down ? "
" I'm going be like you Dad, you know I'm going to be like you. "
" Let's hum Cat's In The Cradle ! "
" Hullabaloo, son ! "
" Jr. ! ! ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"He likes it. He just doesn't like to eat it."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Okay Junior, one last chance - - then we bring out the 'i.v.' - Junior - - Joounior!! "
Pat Vaughn, Madison

29. Just Say No!
30. Did you see that throw, we've got us a quarterback?!
Nancy Nelson

Everyones a food critic.
We are raising a Van Gogh.
Baseballs next hall of famer is.....
Do we have a food rain coat?
I told you his food lacked flavor...
How do his diapers get so full when the food is on and not in him?
Is this one of those "Precious Moments".
Gerber must not have taste testers....
This is explains the food bills....
The pediatrician said to encourage his genius?
His communications skills definitely arent lacking....
I guess supper really is "on me".
How many kids did you want?
I do not shirk my responsibilities...your feeding him supper.
Your right....spinach is a no no.
When does he start solids?
and you bought him fingerpaints?
I am not the only one making cracks about your cooking...
So this is how he gets out of left overs....
Did you just say your pregnant?
Christine Keaton, Randleman

Monkey ask for Jane!!
No name given

We found something that Mikie won't try.
Lets forget the prunes and try X-lax.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1.)Oh well,less going in means less coming out.
2.)Maybe I should try a funnel.
3.)Hey honey,got milk?
4.)You wouln't think the little booger eater would be this picky.
5.)I put a sedative in this spoonful
6.)Maybe I shouln't have blended the liver and beets together (yuk).
Tim Tribbett

I think the first three kids may have hit it out of the park.
Eat this, it's our last pathetic attempt at feeding you
Honey, we can't feed him any more; his clothes are too full
Okay honey, it's your turn to get hit with peas.
Ready...Aim...Fire!
Jordan W.

Remind me why we don't breast feed again.
Jake R.

Okay...get the funnel.
Eddie K.

Did a tornado come through here?
Victoria R

Eat this little Bobby, it's to early to rebel.
Sydney E.

I don't think he wants it.
Damon H.

How do they expect me to eat this?
Nia B

Instead of you eating up you up-chucked
Xavier B

Uh, here comes the train
Caesar L.

26. We have a food critic on our hands!
31.Jess you have made a big mess! 32. Food fight, food fight!!
33. He's not happy it didn't come with a toy!
34. Enough already!
Nancy Nelson

Gives new meaning to eat it or wear it.
Diane Johnson, Siler City

"He started it."
"Go on.spit at me again."
"Food fight!"
"You spit, I spit."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Gesundheit."
" All we had in the fridge was some leftover chili."
"See. I'm not the only one who doesn't like your cooking."
"I think he might be full."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

You said we'd hear the pitter-patter of little feet -- all I hear is the splatter of strained beets.
He's learned a new rhyme -- "Splatter here, splatter there, splatter, splatter everywhere."
Let's switch him to stain-free foods -- grits, rice, potatoes, vanilla pudding . . . .
Joan Lux Greensboro

"It really is tough here at ground zero!"
"Really, it was just a little burp!"
"Maybe you're right, he's just not ready to feed himself!"
"Now I understand why the bath comes after the feeding!"
"I don't think he likes it."
"It looks so easy on the commercial!"
"He wants a contract like the E-Trade baby!"
"Parenting is not for cowards!"
Mom thinking, "What does this mean for the teenage years?"
"I've tried the airplane thing, but it didn't work."
"Look on the bright side, there is no food on the floor."
"He really perfers peas to chocolate pudding!"
Rob Black, High Point
Some good ones in here. Liked the Ground zero reference, but ... not for this time of year ...

OK! We've played a game of catch with your peas! Now PLEASE...... SAY Ahhh!!!
By:Logan Norman, Age:11, Greensboro

1.)I expected the food spitting but the cursing caught me by surprise.
2.)I expected the food spitting but calling me a _ _ _hole caught me by surprise.
Tim Tribbett Greensboro

This reminds me of the old joke about how Jackson Pollock got his start.
How long before the ad agency calls about that laundry detergent commercial?
We're practicing for the laundry detergent ad.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"I tried the airplane...it crashed."
"So this is why you quit breast feeding."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I've been thinking, maybe we can afford a nanny."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Call up that show, Dirty jobs!"
"Next time, remind me to wear my hazmat suit"
"He gets his etiquette from your side of the family."
"I think he's just mocking me now!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

The Choo Choo just blew up.....
How about calling Mike Rowe with Dirty Jobs.
Dr. Spock is and idiot.....
Christine Keaton, Randleman

That fortune teller was right -- he'll be great at paintball.
Those TV home makeover shows could use some of these color combinations.
Joan Lux Greensboro

" Show Mommy, Like Father, like Son ! "
" It's a commandment son , Honor your father & mother so your days will be long ! "
" You see what happens when you let him watch too much Family Feud on TV ! "
" Com'on Son, Gotta, Hava, Needa, Wanta, Getta a little Spoonful ! "
" I know Mommy, WE ARE FAMILY ! "
" Son, you can't win. Mommy are I are a tag team ! "
" Your choice Son, spoon bottom up and your bottom up !
"Bottoms up ! One way or the other ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Gitcha, Gitcha, GOO... ! ! ! "
" Shirt was going to cleaners anyway ! "
" Son, mommy does'nt like doing extra laundry ! "
" STOP ! In the name of LOVE ! "
" FOOD FIGHT ! ! ! "
" Why is he cute and I'm a pig ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" It's Gitcha, Gitcha, Goo time alright ! ! ! "
" Mommy calls this our Gitcha, Gitcha, Goo ... time, Son ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Quick, think of something that opens wide AND swallows!
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1.)Here comes the choo choo you little #&*&#*&!
2.)We need to start feeding him in the tub.
3.)I know you loved the potatoheads but you need to eat!
4.)Maybe he'll absorb some by osmosis.
5.)Starving children in India would love to have this curry chicken.
6.)We shouldn't have shown him that Belushi scene from Animal House!
7.)This caviar cost me $300 an ounce you little ingrate.
8.)I got one in when he yawned.
9.)I have no idea what little Hannibal wants for dinner!!
10.)If you eat this daddy won't shoot Big Bird.
11.)This is much better than a brain sandwich. (yeah ,I looked).
12.)The dog loves this kid.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) He doesn't like your cooking either!
2) What happened to the way you first fed him?
3) Get the tub ready--for both of us!
4) Doesn't he know I've already eaten?
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

So this is what people mean by "spittin' image."
I DID try reasoning with him.
I don't think he's a vegan.
He thinks this food isn't organic.
Joan Lux Greensboro

How would you like it cooked? Fried or broiled?
"Either Tim stops sneezing or we stop modeling."
"Even he knows this political pudding is bitter."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

Little John is soooo picky Mrs. Batchelor.
2.)How can such a picky baby be such a poop factory?
3.)I thought it was cute the first time he did it.
4.)You've got to eat it,you're the Gerber Baby.
5.)Take# 56,Gerber baby food commercial.
6.)Watch out!You're within the splatter zone.
7.)Wow,he's like a little food volcano.
8.)This reminds me,how are we fixed for Spray and Wash?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)It's hard enough to feed him without this waist deep fog.
2.)Please kid,she's judging my parenting skills.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Fog. hee hee.

What are we going to do if your mother does become vice-president ?
Deadpan, Winston-Salem
I liked this. Others judges didn't pick it, though.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

35. No applesauce for you tonight.
36. Look it's all gone!
37. I guess you're not a veggan!
38. Son, how was your day!
39. Not hungary!
40. It's Icky!
Nancy Nelson

"Where's John Belushi when you need him ..." (Food Fight - Animal House)
"Somehow I found this picture of me amusing when I was the kid."
"He doesn't like the Orange or the Yellow ... How about some applesauce."
I wondered why they made 15' foot drop clothes for kids
"Now you know why I said no carpet in the kitchen."
It's a good thing it's bath night.
'The airplane didn't land and the train went of the track. What other vehicle can we try?"
"He may be ready for solid food - I am not!"
There is more food in my hair than in his stomach
"Momma told me there would be days like this."
"I have worn him down - your turn."
Jon Barsanti Jr

"I Swear his head turned all the way around."
"Are you sure Linda Blair wasn't the egg donor?"
Jon Barsanti Jr

" When did you teach him to give me the silent treatment ? "
" Reminds me of our wedding when we caked each other's face ! "
" Call 911 and ask for Jaws of Life ! "
" Son, I'm only a dentist at work ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

41. I'm going to have to leave a big tip!
42. Honey,help! 43. The stork delivered us the wrong baby!
44. The stork needs to recall this one!
45. Maybe we could leave him on a stranded island!(Just kidding)
46. I need a Bud Lite!
47. Santa's watching!
48. Stop monkeying around!
49. This isn't funny!
50. Maybe the Wizard of Oz could help!
51. We could feed him tater tots!
Nancy Nelson

"See, honey, this is how a diet works. Keep your mouth closed."
"Isn't she a little young to be dieting?"
"She watches every little thing that goes OUT of her mouth!"
"How come when I play airplane, the trip is hijacked?"
"How come when I play choo-choo, she plays spew-spew?"
"OK, so you're still mad at Dada for the diaper-pin incident?"
"This is the Chicken Pox diet. I'm gonna write a book and make millions."
"Why don't you send a little of this out into right field?"
"Is that little devil over your right shoulder telling you to misbehave again?"
"Even when Mom's shopping, I feel like she's watching every little thing we're doing."
"Not much is going in, but I bet a lot will still come out later!"
"It's amazing how much comes out of a baby with so little going in!"
"It's the law of undiminishing returns... So little goes in, so much comes out!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Liked the "comes-out-goes-in" theme.

Oh My Gosh! Jimmy just said his first words...Food Fight!!
Pam Hart, Siler City
Good one.

"Maybe he wants a dozen donuts from Kempf's Donut Bank...'
Jon Barsanti Jr. Hillsborough

He's mad because they won't lower the drinking age.
Larry Tyrell, Stokesdale

1. Are you sure the doctor said "broccoli"?
2. I thought being grandparents was supposed to be fun.
3. Do you think I'm putting too much on the spoon?
4. So much for that "if at first you don't succeed--" foolishness.
5. This proves it--- he's not a chocolaholic.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

"My airplane is being shot down!"
"He is going to be a great goalie!"
"The chocolate covered tofu is working!"
"Let's hose him down and start over!"
"I am putting you up for a Metal of Honor!"
"We think it tastes like crap. Apparently he agrees!"
"Next time I wear a wet suit!"
"Let's switch to a cheese burger!"
"I am losing a food fight to a 2-year old!"
"I don't get it. He eats dog food but won't touch your meatloaf!"
"What's in this stuff? We are both breaking out in rashes!"
"He knows its health food!"
"I believe we are bonding!"
"Did you still want to expand the family?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"We need some newspaper on the floor so he won't make a mess. Grab the section with the caption in it."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

It looks like tonight is going to be bath night for both of us ...
Remind me why we started him on soft food ...
They don't make a vacuum tough enough for him ...
Maybe we should try outdoor dining with him ...
"Next Victim."
Jon Barsanti Jr

53. If you don't eat you''ll turn into stickman!
54. Who's you daddy, Brewster Rockitt?!
55. Would you rather have some zebra nuggets?!
56. Are you an alien?
Nancy Nelson

"Honey, for gosh sakes turn off that Gallagher video."
"Son, you got the apple in my eye."
"I sure am glad we put that bib on him."
"Sen. Palin, one last question."
"Honey, you better play "Cats in the Cradle again."
"I think both of us are starting to bond."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Gazunetite!
Tribb, Roanoke, Va

1. "Watch this - he has the reflexes of a ninja."
2. "I‘m wearing him down. He was launching this stuff over the Living Room sofa a few minutes ago."
3. "Isn't there a minimum age requirement before you're allowed to have an attitude?"
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Governor Palin, just one more question."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I liked the Palin references, but others didn't

1.)I realize the cuisine is not up to your usual standards but please be more cooperative little Thadeus Montclair III.
2.)Eat this crap or you'll hurt your mother's feelings .
3.)Please eat it kid,I bought this in bulk at Costco.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (this week was hard!)
Others would agree.

" One day you'll thank me for this."
" See, peas aren't so bad after all. "
" How come you don't eat like this for mom ?"
" I knew I should have taken that promotion."
" Rocket scientists don't eat like that."
" It's OK son, this is how they eat on the space shuttle."
" Show the new neighbor what a good eater you are."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown

1. Look, it's crottled greeps, Brewster's favorite
2. But you liked it two minutes ago!
Marcia Minsky

" You're right again dear, I'm not as good as you!
"Baby 10" "Dad 0"
Misty Johnson, Greensboro

"With all of this oatmeal, yeah I'd say we're bonding."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"I sure hope that my inner ear infection is over soon, or Bobby is going to starve!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
I liked this one, but none of our other judges flagged it.

53. If you don't eat you''ll turn into stickman!
54. Who's you daddy, Brewster Rockitt?!
55. Would you rather have some zebra nuggets?!
56. Are you an alien?
Nancy Nelson

57. Yum, yum, yummy!
58. Yummy!
Nancy Nelson

"Aw, open up, it's really good."
"You're suppose to eat your food, not wear it."
"Try it, you'll like it."
"I know there's an art to this."
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

Maybe he would open his mouth if this food was shaped like car keys.
Deadpan
I liked this one

"Why don't you try it with the muzzle off dear?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Better cancel our Olan Mills appointment this afternoon Wilma."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Open wide.It can't be worse than this cartoon."
Decorated Food Feeder
"Boy! I'm glad it not diaper changing time."
" Want some more."
" I give up." (on this cartoon)
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
Hmmm… didn't care for this one, did ya?

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Sorry, Joan, but Pat beat you to the winning punch line.
I'll have to admit, I was pretty proud of this week's cartoon. After several weeks of what I thought were sub-standard ideas, I thought the Potato-Heads was a clever idea with lots of potential. You proved me right. We received some of best captions we've received in a while. Many deserving entries had to be left out of the paper. You can read them below.

WINNER
Now tell me, Mr and Mrs Spud... are you planning for 1 potato - 2 potatoes - 3 potatoes or 4???"
Pat Vaughn, Madison

RUNNERS-UP
"The bad news is that the burns are pretty extensive but the good news is the office has never smelled so good!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Actually, plastic surgery would be quite simple."
Rob Black, High Point

The Food Network wants to film his surgery.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I'm sorry Mrs. but that part isn't interchangeable."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"We're talking with Hasbro about a possible organ donation."
Don Byers, Greensboro

"Well, if you want children, I'll have to order part A1163-R."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

You two need to stop trying to change each other.
Nancy Nelson

"Your father's in a happier place now - or at least in a Happy Meal."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

I've got good news, you're having tater tots!
Sydney E and Chuck Buckley

BEST INSIDE JOKE
If you're craving donuts there's a joke contest in Indiana.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Doctor: "Bo" is claiming Paternity against Mr Potato Head"
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
(From Toy Story)

Have you gotten that Darth Tater outfit yet?
Nancy Nelson
It really is a Mr. Potato Head kit.

"Completely unrelated question...do you think there will be a Toy Story 3?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"The bad news is that we had to remove almost 95% of his skin. The good news is my chimney has never been cleaner!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Apparently, burning potato skins does clean a chimney. Go figure.

You have Phytopthora Infestans.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem
(I Googled it. It's potato blight.)

BEST/WORST PUN
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your peelings.
With that attitude no one will ever mistaken you for a sweet potato.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

THE REST
MR BUCKLEY AND HIS CLASS
He didn't suffer. He was julienned before he hit the fryer.
I'm afraid it will need to be a complete face-ectomy
...get it? Tumor...Tuber...How can you not see the humor in that?
Eyes, Noses, Lips...no problem, easy fix. Heart murmur...different story
Chuck Buckley, Greensboro

Here are two that started off as two of the kids' captions, but I punched them up a bit.

I'm sorry to tell you this but your son is a vegetable.
Jake R and Chuck Buckley

I've got good news, you're having tater tots!
Sydney E and Chuck Buckley

The kids' captions:
I'm sorry but this hospital has no room for the incredibly ugly.
Jordan W

Do I have potatoes in my office or am I seeing things.
Kasey M

We don't cook potato heads, just whole potatoes.
Victoria R

I'm sorry to say this, but you go well with steak.
Ceasar L

It's tearing me to pieces and breaking me apart
Devonte M

I wouldn't count McDonalds as suicide.
Eddie K

You two will never break apart
Damon H

We can't talk to each other. The kid gave us closed mouths
Jeyla S

I thought you were potatoes about each other
Tony W

We couldn't build your baby, not enough parts.
James M

1. You two need to stop trying to change each other.
2. Starches are bad for you.
3. Your cholestral levels are thru the roof!
4. You're telling me, your spud is no longer a stud.
5. You need to sign up for that Biggest Loser show.
6. Your stud is a now dud!
7. You don't have a leg to stand on!
8. I'm putting you both on a low carb diet!
9. Exercise, exercise, exercise!
10. I'm sending you for a clonoscopy!
11. I'm recommending colonics for both of you.
13. Toe touches don't count!
14. Go for long walks together.
Nancy Nelson

"I'm sorry for the bad news. There will be no small fries in your home."
"The adoption has been finalized. This spud's for you."
"It's not terminal, so don't come all apart on me."
"I assure you, this is not some sort of game."
"Unfortunately, the crowd became hysterical and your son was mashed in the stampede for the exit."
"You both need to cut down on the carbs."
"We're talking with Hasbro about a possible organ donation."
Don Byers, Greensboro

Doctor: You will have little tater-tots in 8 months
Doctor: I recommend some plastic surgery
Doctor: I can give you each smaller noses - 50% off.
Doctor: "A Change would do you both some good."
Doctor: "Have you ever seen the movie 'Face/Off...'
Doctor: "Bo" is claiming Paternity against Mr Potato Head" (From Toy Story)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"You both really need to get off that couch more"! If you don't your body is going to bake, fry and be sliced to death.......
Jerry Amos, Oak Ridge

"Sir, I'm afraid the prognosis is grim. However, I understand McDonalds has a wonderful organ donor program."
Chris Wallace, Asheboro

" One tater, two taters,... seven taters, MORE ! "
" Please, don't mash the Tater Tot ! "
" Test positive, she's DONE ! "
" She's shaked and baked ! "
" You've got Tater Tots ! ! ! "
" However you slice or dice it, You're with Tots ! "
" It comes from always being a Side ! "
" I'm putting you on a No Salt diet ! "
" Too much salt ! "
" Nurse ! Hold the salt and butter ! "
" Sour cream ! "
" Symptoms say Sour Cream ! "
" You're good to go from head to toe ! "
Frank C Leonard, Lexington
You had the right idea with the first one, it just needed more context - like having kids (see below)

Now tell me, Mr and Mrs Spud... are you planning for 1 potato - 2 potatoes - 3 potatoes or 4??? "
"Did you say you have EYES appearing everywhere???"
Pat Vaughn, Madison

Your test results are good. You can have all the little spuds you want.
Tom Naylor, Summerfield

"You don't need me...this spud's for you!
"Swapping noses is easy, an in and out procedure.
Darrell Kimrey

"No, not "potatotrist". I'm a podiatrist."
Glenda Layton, Carthage

"Congratulations! Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead, you'll soon be the proud parents of a little spud."
"Mrs. Potatohead, your husband has a slight case of blight, but I think we've caught it in time."
Ken Layton, Carthage
I liked the potatoe blight reference.

I'm sure he didn't intentionally throw away the parts to your offspring.
I don't understand your fear of losing your figure when pregnant.
If you're craving donuts there's a joke contest in Indiana.
It might help if once in a while you call her "sweet potato."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

WELL, WELL, LOOKS LIKE LITTLE SPUDS GOING TO HAVE
A NEW BABY BROTHER OR SISTER
PAM HART, SILER CITY

"Just remember that your children will all be small potatoes"
Leita Duggan, Greensboro
Nice!

" No ! You can't pay with cabbage ! "
" I was raised in Idaho too ! "
" She's Hot ! ... No, no, no, her temperature ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"After the accident, your son will always be a vegetable."
Randy Miller,Greensboro

15.Get those goofy grins off your faces.
16. I can see that she's your sweet potato!
17. I see you got him to quit smoking!
18. Have you gotten that Darth Tater outfit yet?
Nancy Nelson

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Potatohead, only Barbie is allowed to have that kind of surgery."
Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro

*"Mr and Mrs Russet, your baby will definitely not be sweet."
Steven Lawrence, Greensboro

"No children, I'm afraid. Mr. P has a very low starch count."
Elden LeGaux, Greensboro

"Well, I think this problem has been stewing for some time."
"If his mustache tickles you, just turn it upside down."
"As he gets older, he's going to get more wandering, roving eyes."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)Mrs. Potatohead,I'm afraid your spud is no stud.
2.)I'm sorry but you both have the Blight.
3.)His illness is terminal but on the bright side with a little butter and sourcream he'll be delicious.
4)Good news, you're going to have seed potatoes.
5.)You grow those sprout things because you live in a damp dark cellar.
6.)You both need to cut back on the carbs.
7.)I'm afraid you've picked something up in your travels to Ireland.
8.)Your sex change operations should only take a couple of minutes.
9.)It's just a sunburn but he may peel.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Good stuff.

the paternity test shows that you are NOT the father!
Wanda Shelton, Stokesdale

"I'm sorry, I can see no DNA connection between you and Spud Webb." "I'm sorry, no body, no baby"
"Actually, plastic surgery would be quite simple."
"Actually, plastic surgery would be child's play."
"Now, let me see you get down from those chairs."
"Mrs. Potatohead, when did you first begin to dream about french fries?"
"Have you ever considered adopting?"
"I don't think there is anything wrong with exchanging noses from time-to-time."
"Mr. Potatohead, it is best that you not take off your ears when your wife gives you advice."
"I think it is wise to leave your plastic parts for transplants."
"You're living will can indicate your desire to be turned into mashed potatoes."
"In your cases, eye surgery is very simple."
"It really is OK if you order a baked potato with your meal/"
"I can see your dilemma when menus offer baked potatoes."
"The trend is toward longer, more slender potatoes, but you both really look fine for your age."
"Eyes in the back of your head? I can see that being an option for either of you."
"Spreading the eyes, a smaller nose and mouth, a complete makeover."
"Obama is running for president, but somehow I don't see that as an option for the two of you."
Rob Black, High Point

potato,two potato,three potato,four-you're having twins.
Ron Harris, Reidsville

"You say she screams out Furby in bed?"
"You caught him trying on your lips?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Really liked the lips one

"Time to change those lips to a smile....You're expecting tater tots."
"I have good news: It's not a tumor and the X-rays found your missing arm."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Mrs. potato head you really need to stop watching food network!"
Nicole Bracey, Summerfield

19. I see the contacts are working out for you.
20. Where's the glasses I prescribed for you?!
21. For 56 years old you're looking great.
22.I see, all your body parts are still attached!
23. I like your style!
24. Congratulations you're expecting a new tater!
Nancy Nelson

"The results came back positive! You're pregnant with twin tator tots!"
Hannah Holland, Summerfield

"Your spud count is fine Mr. Russet. But I'll need to check your wife's eyes"
Dean Winebarger, Greensboro

"Congratulations! You're having a tater tot!"
Steve Chrismon, Brown Summit

1.)I'm afraid your son is what we like to call a "sweet potato".
2.)Wrap yourself in foil at 350 degrees and come back at noon.
3.)I'm afraid you have no internal organs.
4.)Menopause is the reasons she's such a hot potato.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

We have two options Mrs. P. We can continue to treat it, or we can just pull it off and put on a new one.
It's just a small burn...try rubbing a little butter on it. On second thought!
I'm sure Emeril would be glad to give you second opinion.
It's kind of hard to tell what your kids will look like Mrs. P.
You've had about all the plastic surgery you can stand Mrs. P.
His fever is a little high...let me know if it gets to 350.
David Robinette, Rockingham County

My diagnosis comes with a side salad and a Biggie diet coke.
Tim Tribbett Greensboro

1. My advise to you, Mr Dumpty, is to avoid sitting on any walls.
2. I was shocked to hear about the accident your father, Humpty, had. What's this business about the King's horses ?
3. I can understand your disappointment but as scientists we cannot always predict what our experiments will produce..
4. Yes, we do cosmetic surgery. Why do you ask?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro

The good news is that you're left-handed.
Iris Sheets, Greensboro

"Good news! Your new baby's not jaundiced! She's just a yam!"
"I don't think plastic surgery is indicated. Simply fill this prescription for new noses to stick on."
"Apparently you've not been embracing the low-carb diet I gave you last visit."
Kevin Little

"I'm referring you to a specialist in Idaho."
"I'm sorry, your son was mashed in the accident."
"There's just too much starch in your diet."
"I'm sorry Mrs. but that part isn't interchangeable."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"The good news is the fertilizer worked. The bad news is..........you're having tater tots."
Rosemary Keever, High Point

1)"The results of your fertility tests give new meaning to the term 'loaded baked potato'."
2)"I'm afraid a divorce is the only way to cut your carbs in half."
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

"Congratulations! You're going to have a Tater Tot."
"Congratulations! You're going to have a french fry."
"The bad news is that your arm needs replacing. The good news is that my daughter owns Operation."
"Yes, I can repair your arm. Do you want me to use an eye or an ear?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Congratulations! This spuds for you.
Cindy Bradshaw, Reidsville

I'm sorry, Mrs. Potatohead, but your husband is "poorly equipped".
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
Ouch!

* "There is nothing wrong with occasionally switching body parts!"
* "Yes, new parts might spark things up!"
* "Those new eyes are a sign of aging"
* "They don't make those parts!"
* " Why do you want to dump him for a turnip?"
* " Sir, how long have you had this fascination with Miss Sweet Potato?"
* " I am afraid he has the Irish Potato virus!"
* "Madam, why do you want another set of eyes in back?"
* "Sorry to hear your close friends were recently mashed"
* "That must have been quite a shock hearing that the kids were fried"
* "They issue is what's in store next. The choices are mashed, fried, coup or a new one, vodka"
* "Genetically, you are Maine and your wife is Idaho"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"It'll be messy. Probably a lot of ketchup."
"If you'd like, you can take her hand when you go in."
"I'm sorry but your model doesn't have removable tonsils."
"Here's some fertility drugs in case you want to supersize it."
"After surgery, you'll probably need a couple of pints of Heinz."
"I just don't like tampering with what Hasbro has given you."
"After I make the incision, we'll irrigate it with butter and sour cream."
"Don't worry,? I can't have anything once surgery starts."
"Now during the procedure, there's a small risk that I will become quite silly."
"Now there is a small chance that your nose may end up on top of your head."
"After surgery, you'll need to stay in your foil for at least an hour and a half."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)One potato,two potato.........
2.)Diabetes is the reason he's such a sweet potato
3.)Mr. Rickard will soon be getting a call from the lawyers for Milton Bradley.
4.)I didn't even think a potato could get the clap.
5)This sounds half baked but plastic surgery could make her a very apeeling" hot potato".
6.)The Food Network wants to film his surgery.
7.)My fork test indicates he's only half baked.
8.)Take two sour creams and call me in the morning.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"My first recommendation is to stay out of restaurants with microwaves."
"I couldn't save your father. He never should have wandered into that burger joint."
"Let's look on the bright side. An eye in your arm socket would give you great peripheral vision."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

What seems to be the problem Potato family? She says po-tay-to and I say po-ta-to! What do we do?
Caroline Owen, Summerfield

1.)I really need to stop self medicating
2.)They didn't cover this in med school
3.)You do know you're potatos,right?
4.)Menopause is the reason your wife is such a "hot potato"
5.)This is one weird Halloween party.
6)I think you're looking for a doctor of vegetarian medicine.
(I love this cartoon--best one ever!!!)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Thanks. Good entries, BTW

1.)Good news,your son will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.
2.)Your three way with Paris Hilton has given you the dreaded potato skank disease.
3.)What a long strange trip its been.
(ok,I'm tapped out for the week now)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Our tests conclude your child will be a born agitator."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

1. "You folks from Idaho?"
2. "Hello, I'm Dr. Luvtahmoovurpartz."
3. "You will be glad to know, all your lumps were benign."
4. "So glad to see things are back in place for you two."
3. "I'm afraid you will need to see a plastic surgeon."
4. "So glad to see things are all back in place for you."
5. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you are both completely hollow."
6. "We were unable to find any blood in you for physical analysis."
7. "You will be glad to know all your lumps were benign."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"The man whom you donated your arm to would like to meet you."
"Since you lost your arm, your spud pressure has increased."
"So, which of you is the real Mr. Potato Head?"
"Definitely too much carb in your diets."
"I will need to check your I.D., too much identity theft."
Ian Knight, Greensboro
I liked the first one — made the short list

I don't know how this happened, but you're having a tater tot.
Nancy Stevens, Jamestown

"Well, the first thing we have to do is get rid of the couch."
Reta Beck, Greensboro

I hope you don't mind. may This sound a bit "DIrty".
Shirley Mowery, High Point

"If you two don't quit switching parts, I'm going to have to charge you double."
"If I give you another right arm, will you both quit bothering me?"
"Mrs. P, when Mr. P said he would give his right arm if you would marry him,
I really don't think that's what he had in mine."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

1."These days we just add water and BOOM instant potato no waiting nine months."
2. "So you want to create a small fry?"
3. "He just found out Mr. Potato Head is not his father, and He's not an Idaho Spud. He was found in the damaged produce buggy at a grocery store."
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

1. "I'm afraid your son was born without a face."
2. "Dr. Atkins! Would you step in here please."
3. "Your father was a spud donor. I'm sure he's been skinned, sliced or diced by now."
4. "Your father's in a happier place now - or at least in a Happy Meal."
5. "Plastic surgery isn't necessary, just pull off your nose and snap on another one."
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Good ones. The Happy meal one was the last entry eliminated from runner-up.

1) I'm sorry but the DNA test proves the order of fries was your son.
2) Dan Quayle was nearly 20 years ago. Let it go.
3) Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead, if that is your real name.
4) For an extra .59 cents I can supersize that.
5) I'm putting both of you on a low carb diet.
6) You have Phytopthora Infestans.
7) I'm sorry there's been a mix up. This time was supposed to be for Stovetop Stuffing instead.
8) With that attitude no one will ever mistaken you for a sweet potato.
9) This is none of my business but are you guys in the Witness Protection Program ?
10) I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your peelings.
Deadpan, Winston-Salem

"Your ultrasound shows five little potatoes!"
Debra S. Watson, Eden

"We can treat this with little blue pills, or reconstructive surgery."
Rick Meeha, Graham

If you have a little one in 9 months, call her Hanna.
Jon Barsanti, Jr.
OK. I give up. Who - or what - is "Hanna?"

The good news is that transplants are easy for you two. Underneath the surface, you are an exact match for each other.
Michael J. Pearce, Reidsville

"Well, if you want children, I'll have to order part A1163-R."
"When did you first start having hot potato flashes?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Hey, wait a minute . . . did you guys swap noses?"
David Hammer, Greensboro

You are pregnant with an M&Ms peanut
M&Ms rejected the both of you because you are too fat to go thru the M&M's printing machine.
The tests are back, you are both baked.
The tests are back. I wouldn't read any continued stories.
We have been unable to locate glasses large enough for your eyes.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

And a genetic test can determine if you're Irish . . . or a yam.
Cheer up -- you'll be popular as long as people eat butter, sour cream, bacon, cheese . . . and salt.
For you I recommend the newer, minimally invasive procedure -- "carbosuction."
You're not my first patients needing mood-elevators when visiting Idaho.
After seeing the ultrasound, it's one potato, two potato, three potato, four . . . .
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Good last one Joan, and probably slightly better worded that Pat's winning entry. But Pat's still worked - in my opinion - and beat you to the punch by a few days.

Do they take down the "all you can eat buffet signs" when you enter a restaurant?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"When you have a moment you might want to put on your happy eyes!"
"I've got good news...you might want to grab your happy-eyes..."
"I'm almost positive your ''slow swimmers' are a direct result from all the sour cream..."
"I'm afraid it's your kidneys...they appear to be mashed..."
"It appears to simply be a case of chives."
"We have your test results back and it appears to be nothing more than another eye..."
"We were able to separate them with just a little hot oil."
"It would probably be best if you eliminate trans-fat from your diet..."
"You say Po-Tay-To I say Po-Tot-O..."
"All kids have a tendency to experiment with ketchup at this age..."
"Butter or gravy should both be safe without causing any undue irritation..."
"I'm happy to report that it was nothing more than a dropped curly fry."
"We were able to reattach his arm and he should be completely fine in the morning."
"We were able to remove the hat and the ear but you should really have a talk with him..."
"I'm afraid his brain is fried..."
"The bad news is that the burns are pretty extensive but the good news is the office has never smelled so good!"
"I see you're surprised by the findings..."
"I was as surprised about the results as you apparently are..."
"Completely unrelated question...do you think there will be a Toy Story 3?"
"Billy is going to be fine but I'm afraid the the crinkle cuts are going to be permanent..."
"I guess the best comparison would be to a bag of tater-tots that somebody left in a hot car for too long..."
"Timmy should be fine once we get him out of the tube..." (think potato gun)
"Toys R Us might be better equipped to handle your cosmetic surgery at a much more reasonable cost..."
"I can try, but injection molding is not really my field of expertise..."
"Have you tried a little super glue?"
"Maybe she'd be a little happier with a Crinkle-Cut instead of a Curly one..."
"Well...we can close it up but don't complain to me when you lose all the pieces..."
"She'll be fine...It was nothing more than a little onion soup mix..."
"You're going to be fine...you just got a little over-heated..."
"Let me put it this way...have you heard the saying One Potato, Two Potato, Three Potato, Four?"
"The bad news is that we had to remove almost 95% of his skin. The good news is my chimney has never been cleaner!"
"I'm sorry...I was thinkin' Arby's..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
What can I say, Bob? Your usual brilliance.

SNAIL MAIL
Diagnosis? You're both half-baked!
Eunice Glatz, Greensboro

"Oops! Another malpractice case for John Edwards."
Norman Welker, Greensboro

"I'm afraid the x-ray revealed a kidney bean!"
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"You can't get infected off a toilet seat."
Norman Welker, Greensboro