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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
This week's cartoon reminds me of when I went sky diving. I couldn't find the airport and landed in a cow pasture a mile away. I landed so hard I left a crater in the ground and rang church bells in the next county. But I digress ...
Picking captions were difficult. Few stood out once the field was narrowed down. Got a lot of "Can you hear me now?" gags.
The Jr. division entries are picking up though (age 12 and under.) Remember to include your age.

WINNER
Is this Warner Brothers? I think I just passed your coyote.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"Yes. I would like to order a new parachute."
Jordan Frye, age 9

JR. RUNNER-UP
" AT&T Really does have more bars in more places"
ali williamson, age 11, SummerField
Very nice, Ali.

THE RUNNERS-UP
"Honey, I'll be home earlier than I thought."
Myra Johnson, Siler City

"Not only is this chute packed wrong, I'm almost out of minutes."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

Yes, I would be interested in purchasing life insurance, I'm glad you called!
Bryan Tribbett- Roanoke, Va.

"I should have better reception any second now."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Hello ... I'd like to order a REALLY big air mattress!"
Bill Wallace, High Point

Yes,I do mind if you put me on hold!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Is this Warner Brothers? I think I just passed your coyote.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Bravo.

"Yellow then red?" (Nicolas Cage in Honeymoon in Vegas)
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Hello. Is this Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger? ... Look, I'm in a situation and need your advice…
Ken Sheldon, Elon

A couple of George H. Bush references …
Emergency chute opening. At 85, I've proved my point, I think this is my last jump, Barbara!
Sandi O'Reilly, Greensboro

Ok,I'm over the inauguration and I just opened the JEB FOR PRESIDENT 2012 parachute.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
No, Mr. Rickard, I didn't see those characters from January 8th up here. Should I try the city reservoir?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Make sure you don't take me to the same hospital Charles Davenport Jr. stayed in!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Yeah, Rickard chickened out again! You owe me 50 bucks.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Uh hello--Council—this is Mitch—exactly how far do you want me to dive?"
Don Howard

"Hon, it's almost noon, and I need for you to enter one more caption for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

BEST WORST PUNS
You don't know the gravity of my situation here!
Nancy Nelson

BEST POEM
In support of my wife who's so cute,
I attempted her high-risk pursuit.
But the pack that she sent
Wound up holding a tent.
When I called her, she cried out, "Oh, Chute!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Skydiving is the best sport for me,
floating free is great you see,
alone at last
and having such a blast,
but when your parachute fails, your life memories flash and you see the ground coming fast, you lose all hope
and then you think my life is over because I'm such a dope!
Nancy Nelson

MATURE
"What do you mean joining the mile-high club on a solo basis!?
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Oh, that's how you join the Mile High Club!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

THE REST
1.)Yes, it opened.I have to hang up now Mom!
2.) Wasn't the pilot supposed to fly higher than 500 feet?!
3.)Ok, I pulled the cord. What next?!
4.) Wait,did you say count to 100 or to 10?!
5.) Yes,I do mind if you put me on hold!!
6.) I'm still bored.
7.) This better be important!
8.)Oh,nothing much.What are you up to?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Liked 3-5 best

1.) This isn't a good time.
2.) You #$%*& telemarketers have the worst timing!
3.)Make it quick! 4.)Uh oh,maybe I shouldn't have insulted the pilot!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Good one-#2

"Mom, did you remember to pay my insurance premium?
Glenda Layton, Carthage

"911? I've got a problem. . ."
Ken Layton, Carthage
good

"Ace Parachute Company? i want to report a defect in your Model 37J."
Ken Layton, Carthage
Nice solid gag

Caption: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW??????
Bryan Clodfelter, High Point

"I thought you said you were an expert at chutes & ladders!
Richard Riedel, High Point

1. Chute!
2. I'm suing you for malpacking!
3. Don't put me on hold!
3. 911-Address... Skyhigh, for now!
4. Where did you say the second ripcord was?
5. I'm falling and I know I won't be getting up!
6. Stop talking a minute, I just wanted to say I love you!
7. My will is in ...!
8. Oh no, I'm in the Dead Zone!
Nancy Nelson
I liked and lobbied for number 4.

"If Acme Parachute stocks are plummeting, then sell!"
Judy Riedel, High Point

Hello. Acme Mattress Company? Can I rent about a thousand king-size in the next five minutes?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Okay, I'll give you a divorce and sign any agreement you want.
Gail Sempier, Greensboro

Hello. Is this Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger? ... Look, I'm in a situation and need your advice...
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Help, I'm falling down and I don't think I'll be getting up!
Tim Williams, Greensboro

Is this Warner Brothers? I think I just passed your coyote.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Hello.... 911.....I'm running out of Air!
Ron Washburn
I liked this one.

"Is the reception better now?"
"What if I don't want to pay roaming fees?"
"Don't pay roaming fees on the last half of this call, Honey."
"I should have better reception any second now."
"I'm glad I shelled out the extra bucks for a shock-proof phone."
"Thanks goodness I have a shock-proof phone."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
Liked the roaming fees one too.

1) Can you hear me now?
2) OK. I have pulled the cord. Now What?
Tushar Zaver, Greensboro
Liked number 2

Help! I am falling down and I will not be able to get up.
Beverly M. Goldston, Siler City

Being president...$
Living in the White House...$$
Coming home on Parachute One...Priceless!
David Jones, Greensboro

RENEGOTIATE ! My severance package is in BIG trouble !
Dawn Hailey, Greensboro

"Don `t worry. Everything is going just fine."
"Yes. I would like to order a new parachute."
"Hey. Mr.Tribel, may I take off my hat? I think my hair will support me better than my parachute."
Jordan Frye, age 9

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
Ray Kislowski, McLeansville

Emergency chute opening. At 85, I've proved my point, I think this is my last jump, Barbara!
Sandi O'Reilly, Greensboro

1.) I was gonna jump.You didn't have to push me YA BIG JERK!
2.) I have to hang up! I've swallowed 6 bugs and possibly a hummingbird.
3.)Army airborne hasn't been the same since Obama got rid of "don't ask don't tell."
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Liked number two. Out of the box

In support of my wife who's so cute,
I attempted her high-risk pursuit.
But the pack that she sent
Wound up holding a tent.
When I called her, she cried out, "Oh, Chute!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Nice poem.

Hello, Information? Acme Parachute Co., please.
Diane Johnson, Siler City
Good

No, Mr. Rickard, I didn't see those characters from January 8th up here. Should I try the city reservoir?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Charlie, I need to reschedule my haircut appointment."
Bill Briggs, Greensboro

Can you hear me now??Good....HEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Timothy Crews

My caption is: "Hello E-Bay, can you send that parachute extra air express?"
Richard Morris, Denton

1.)Ok,I'm over the inauguration and I just opened the JEB FOR PRESIDENT 2012 parachute.
2.) Can I call you back? I'm in the middle of pointlessly risking my life right now.
3.) What do you mean "guess where I got the material for your new orange and yellow silk shirt"?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Liked the Out-thereness of the last one.

9. She's screening her calls again!
10. Pick up, Pick up! (Here's my ditty)Skydiving is the best sport for me, floating free is great you see, alone at last and having such a blast, but when your parachute fails, your life memories flash and you see the ground coming fast, you lose all hope and then you think my life is over because I'm such a dope!
11. Rescue me, it'll be a splatt down!
Nancy Nelson

STREAMER! Mayday-SOS-911-Big bird.
I wish I was over the Hudson River.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

12. Gee whiz, it's another answering machine!
13. Wrong number!
14. 911... No this is not a joke!
15. Check and make sure my health insurance hasn't expired!
16. Cancel my order for that pizza!
17. I'll need $100,000 more life insurance, now
18. Honey, I think I've found a way for you to pay the taxes on our home!
19. You don't know the gravity of my situation here!
Nancy Nelson

Hello 911,will you send an ambulance out to the old barbed wire factory.
2.)Guess where I'm calling from,c'mon just guess!
3.)Why are the birds flying upside down?
4.) Wait a minute,if we're copying D.B. Cooper why did you keep the money?!
Tim Tribbett

Yes, I would be interested in purchasing life insurance, I'm glad you called!
Bryan Tribbett- Roanoke, Va.

"Hello Hobbies and Games. What is your warranty on parachutes?"
James Durham-Greensboro
Nice

"CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!"
"Remember when you told me to drop by sometime?"
"How soon can you deliver a jumbo-sized beanbag chair?"
"I don't mean I only have a few minutes on my cell, I only have a few minutes!"
"Why didn't you tell me this parachute was made by acme?"
"I'm gonna need a change of underwear and a drink when I land!"
"I'd like to request a song - free fallin' by Tom Petty."
"What does the manual say about landing in a lion's den?"
"My therapist thinks skydiving may curb my telephone addiction."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
My favorite was number 2

1.)What?! He doesn't have his own chute and I was supposed to hold onto him?!
2.) Hello 911,can you please send an ambulance out to the old sheet glass factory!
3.) #$%@& She's not looking! I'm going to have to do it again!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Hello? Acme Parachutes complaint department?"
"Well, yes, the views are spectacular.....OK, how about a fifty per cent refund?"
Kevin Little
Liked these

1.) That last bond with the pool also had a hidden skydiving tax?!
2.) Never insult the pilot over shark infested waters!
3.)Boy,the airlines have really gotten tough on people who break the rules!
4.)Make sure you don't take me to the same hospital Charles Davenport Jr. stayed in!!
5.)Yeah, Rickard chickened out again! You owe me 50 bucks.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

20. What a bummer!
21. Land ahoy!
22. Give me a break!
23. Cancel all my appointments!
24. EEK!
25. I can see clearly now, this was a mistake!
26. Can you hear me now?!
27. Oh no, the batteries are dead!
28. What do you mean, I don't have any more minutes?!
29. Help!
30. I'm dying here!
31. Stupid cell phone!
32. My life has been canceled!
33. Well sue me then!
34. Joke's on you ex, don't expect any more spousal support checks!
35. The joke's on me, I'll be laid out instead of layed off!
Nancy Nelson

Yes I am interested in Life Insurance if it is a guaranteed issued policy!
Honey, I will not be home for dinner,in fact I will not be home!
I told you I had a bad feeling about Budget Skydiving Lessons!
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

"What do you mean my parachute has been recalled?"
"Now you call and tell me I forgot my reserve chute."
"Loaf of bread, dozen eggs and hair curlers?"
"Chutes R Us complaint department, Let me make this quick....."
"Hello, control tower, you really have to do something about these Canadian geese."
"Hello, Marks deli, you might want to tell everyone in your diningroom to get "Outtt!!!"
"Yes, 911, I have an emergency......"
Alan Parrish, Clemmons
Some good ones here. I really liked the grocery list. It didn't register with the other judges

"Can you hear me now"
Sorry, but I need to cancel my appointment and I do not need to reschedule..
"Please do not put me on hold"
John Lonergan, Whitsett

You told me that I had a 'golden' parachute, this is not golden!
I don't know why I keep dropping the call!
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro

"Honey, I'll be home earlier than I thought."
Myra Johnson, Siler City

"Yes, I decided to take the bailout!"
"The bailout is stimulating; I hope there will be a soft landing."
"I CAN'T HEAR YOU NOW!"
"I don't know what happened after I saw that flock of geese fly by."
Mike. Creech, Springboro, OH
Geese. good idea ... but wasn't quite there ...

"I should have suspected something when my exit interview was scheduled on the company plane."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Scratch sky diving off my bucket list!"
"Can you hear me now!?"
"You want a divorce!! Wait, didn't you pack my chute?"
"The chute's opening. What's next?"
"What, my life insurance is denied. I'm considered a high risk!?"
"My toup has flow the coup!"
"FAA, there is a gaggle of geese closing in. Please advise"
"You forgot to tell me you borrowed my backup chute to use as a drop cloth!"
"Gino, I see you and am dropping in. Large cheese in 5!"
"Hey, Tim, you don't smell what you cut sky diving!!"
"There is a recall on my discount chute. Faulty everything!"
"What do you mean joining the mile-high club on a solo basis!?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I may be a little early!"
Scott Linham, Greensboro
Good

Thanks for your blog. I really enjoy it!
"I'm falling faster than the stock market."
"Can you hear me now?"
"Okay, I pulled the cord, now what?"
Mike. Creech, Springboro, OH
Thanks, Mike! I really enjoy your entries!

"........ So can you finally HEAR ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan Natal, age 12, Greensboro

"Can you hear me now?"
Ciara Tolbert, Age 9, Julian

1.)Dang it,another dropped call!
2.) Chitty chitty bang bang ran out of gas.
3.)They need to label that eject button!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro(my captions stink this week,sorry)
Well, they're not as good as usual, but nobody's seemed to be.

I'd like to order a pepperoni pizza
Are you sure you don't deliver?
Marsha Minsky, LosCon 36
Hi, Number Eight!

1.) Hello 911,will you please send an ambulance out to the old rusty nail and broken glass storage facility!
2.) I don't see a future in one man synchronized skydiving!
3.)A LITTLE LOUDER PLEASE!
4.) The elevator was broken and I'm just too lazy to take the stairs.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I've fallen and I can't get open..."
"Can you hear me now?"
"I shouldn't have outsourced packing my parachute..."
I didn't think that they would really give me a golden parachute ...
I thought that golden parachute looked heavy .....
Phone: "Your estimated wait is ...30 ... minutes..."
Man "I don't have 30 minutes..."
I should have gone bungee jumping instead....
"On the bright side, I don't have to worry about my IRA anymore..."
"I'm hoping for bionic legs, bionic arms, and bionic hearing..."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Tell my 4 o'clock I've fallen just a little behind."
"What was the name of that Indian again?"
"It was a GOLDEN parachute I asked for, you idiot!"
"Yes, I'm in a place where no one can overhear me."
"I think I can get a better signal in other 5,000 feet."
"No, you're not interrupting anything."
"You'll have to forgive me for not texting you."
"No, I DON'T want to be put on hold!"
Don Byers, Greensboro
Good stuff. I liked number 2 especially.

HEY......where is the ?%!!#^@?? ?X
Paul Poretta, Highpoint??

1.) Being a repo man for airplanes is tougher than I thought.
2.)The #$%*& airline said landing now costs extra!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) That's the last time I fly a no frills airline!
2.)Always read the fine print on a coach ticket!
2.) I found out why my fare was so darn cheap!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Liked the theme of the last 2

"Quick, move that trampoline over about 10 feet."
Christian Pike, 12, Junior Division, Siler City"
Some judges liked this one a lot

"Hon, I've got good news and I've got bad news. Know that new car we couldn't afford??...."
"Hello, do you take drop ins?"
"No, I do NOT want to be put on hold."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
the "on hold" is good but others beat you to it.

1. "I'd like to report a metaphor for government bailouts."
2. "Hey Carl, I found out what that little red lever on the plane is for."
3. "Silly string! My parachute cord is silly string!"
4. "This was the argument I was trying to avoid when I jumped out with the only chute."
5. "Geronimo, somehow I'm not surprised you feel you have a higher calling."
6. "Wow! You really can hear me now?"
7 "What do you MEAN I'm not falling fast enough for the chute to open?"
8. "Yes, in hindsight jumping out of a perfectly good airplane when you're the pilot is a bad idea."
9. "What section are you in? Don't worry, they'll think I'm part of the Super Bowl halftime show."
10. "My bad. I forgot I'm the pilot."
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Liked number two

"Uh hello--Council-this is Mitch-exactly how far do you want me to dive?"
Don Howard, Greensboro

" AT&T Really does have more bars in more places"
ali williamson, age 11, SummerField

"Hold on...I'll be catching up to our 401K any minute."
"Golden parachute or not, it's still worthless."
"Ever since they got rid of the corporate jet, I have to travel this way."
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"A shovel and a my dental records should do it."
"I'll be late...No, not to dinner. Just late."
"Not only is this chute packed wrong, I'm almost out of minutes."
"How high was I when I jumped? About two-fifths."
"Geronimo was a little passé; it's Geronimo.com now."
"Yeah, I'm in the ether. I just passed Slim Whitman, Moe Howard and Lindsay Lohan's career."
"You look like ants down there. What? No, my altimeter's not brok....."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"Honey, I just want to tell......Bill? What are you doing there?
"Can you hear me now?"
"Hold on, I'm getting another call."
"We have to make this quick, I think my batteries are going dead."
"Honey, what color of dress is your mother wearing?"
"Dang, I think I just swallowed a june bug."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
5 had potential, but too obscure

I can't talk right now. I'm on the "fly".
Katie Wooten Age 8

Oh, i'm supposed to pull the cord not let it be snapped off by a bird.
Katie Wooten Age 8

Hey honey, I'm gonna be home a little earlier than expected.
This is the last time I buy anything on ebay.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
Good ones, Frank!

"Hello, yes, um I don't think I'm cut out at being a tandem parachute instructor!"
Ned Norman, San Diego
I like this. I don't think the other judges were familiar enough with skydiving to appreciate this one.

Hummmphhh -- and people thought D. B. Cooper was the biggest "bail out" ever.
They just don't make corporate jets like they used to.
Who packed this 'chute . . . a taxpayer?
Nobody in Alabama will pay any attention to me.
Joan Lux Greensboro
… Alabama?

"A couple of geese just hit my parachute!"
"Is this the ACME Parachute Company? I have a complaint about your product."
"Oh, that's how you join the Mile High Club!"
"I'll be dropping by in..oh, about five seconds!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Liked the idea of Geese, but noone really pulled it off

Hello, 911 ?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"Yellow then red?"
(Nicolas Cage in Honeymoon in Vegas)
"McDonalds, please activate your Dive-Thru Window."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

1) " I should've had more confidence in Sullenberger ! "
2) " I'm going to use a sick day. "
3) " I'll be there or my name is not D. B. Cooper. "
4) " I'll be arriving early. "
5) " I'd like to cancel my plan."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Good stuff but you were beaten to the punch on most

Is my plane still under warranty?
Hey, Mom, mind if I drop in?
Joey Preston, Greensboro
good

"Hon, it's almost noon, and I need for you to enter one more caption for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee........"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
We're a bit light in the number of entries for Jr. category. You lazy slacker kids ages 12 and under! Get with it! Make sure to include your age and put "Jr. category" in the subject heading.
A few of you confused the array of remotes for cell phones (?). There were a lot of puns involving many variations of the term "remote." A nice caption from Stacy that involved Jake Delhomme hit home, but was a bit too long to be included in runners-up (see below.)

WINNER
So there I was, stuck in the sofa with nothing to eat but stale cheese puffs…
Ken Sheldon, Elon

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"Let's show the TV who's boss"
Alyssa Olmedo. Jamestown, Age 4
(Four? Really? Wow!)

RUNNERS-UP
"Let's face it, we're all control freaks."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Commercial? What's a commercial?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Everytime Jack Bauer kills someone you have to drink.
Chris Burgio, Greensboro

Here's to confusing old people!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

I love it when the cable goes out!
Diane Johnson, Siler City

The fortune teller said I'd be surrounded by chips and dip on February 1.
Joan Lux Greensboro

So it's agreed, we make the universal "disappear" tonight!
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
So Carrie,how are things between you and Mr. Big screen.(oh man was that lame!)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Yup.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I think Tim is starting to mark the Vodka bottle guys
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
After reading these entries, I'm cutting you off!

"Here's to Tim Rickard, named Cartoon Network's 2008 Man of the Year!"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
I can dream, can't I?

What TV remotes do when you can't find them (except in Asheboro).
Curt Raygor, Summerfield

BEST/WORST PUNS
'I didn't realize this was such a remote location.'
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro
My favorite from the bunch of puns this week. Actually made it to the short list.

BEST POEM
With martinis they're looking so slick.
There's an issue that cuts to the quick.
There's a question because
Hitting each other's "Pause"
Does not qualify them as a clique.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE
Here's to our owner finally washing his hands after eating cheetos or watching porn.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
EEWWW!!

I was hoping the swap button meant something else,heh,heh.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

And on a related subject …
Is this one of those parties where everyone throws their batteries in a bowl?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Good news. I now have the naked channel!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

How bout a little pay per view porn Time- Warner remote ol' buddy?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Can you believe how much porn this guy watches?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I'm seeing a pattern here …

THE REST
1.) Here's to the universal remote!
2.) God bless the universal remote!
3.)Here's to the universal remote and early retirement.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.)Here's to Bob and his new batteries!
2.) I think Tim is starting to mark the Vodka bottle guys.
3.) Here's to no locks on the liquor cabinet!
4,)Here's to Frank's recent batteryoscopy and a clean bill of health!
5.) Congrats to Bob and his promotion to universal remote!
6.)Welcome to our new friend 65 inch Panasonic plasma remote.(Don't I wish!))
7.) So we all agree to randomly switch functions?
8.) And the winner of this month's most times aimed at a device with no response contest is Cindy!
9.)And thanks to that good ol' drunken slut Barbie for donating the martini glasses.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

I love it when the cable goes out!
Diane Johnson, Siler City

1.)A toast to Frank, who was lost behind the sofa cushions.
2.) Here's to confusing old people!
3.) A toast in memory of the VCR remote!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Nice stuff this week (again)

"Well guys, here's to our successful escape."
Linda Gretton, Greensboro

"Drinking in moderation is OK as long as we stay in control."
Linda Gretton, Greensboro

'Why do you always push my buttons at these parties?'
'I would say my chances are pretty remote, wouldn't you?'
'All these remotes and only two hands!'
'I didn't realize this was such a remote location.'
Darrell Kimrey, Greensboro

Here's to Bob Blackberry, "Ringtone of the Year"!
Ken Layton, Carthage

1.) Here's to DTV!!
2.) To analog TV, may they rest in peace!
3.) Here's to Inauguration day! May we get a good work-out!
4.) Okay guys! The Superbowl is coming up!!! Let's look alive!
5.) All right guys! Where are we hiding this week? Under the couch cushion, or in the bathroom?
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro
I liked #5

They always find me under the sofa and I can't remember how I got there.
Angela Roberts, Jamestown
Good one

A toast, to the fastest thumbs on the couch!
Grace Lindsey, Greensboro

"It's simply humiliating when the baby chews on me."
"And here's to our fallen comrades under beds and behind couches...."
"Unfortunately I belong to a couch potato."
"I'm getting to where I can't stand being touched."
"I'm having these horrible nightmares where I'm being chased by fingers covered in grape jelly."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
I liked the first one. Silly

1) Yeah, I got downsized by him too..
2) Some guys just like to showoff.
3) Always have to be right don't you?
4) What do you me anything I can do you can do better?
Tim Williams, Greensboro

1. Cell no!
2. Let's CELLabrate!
3. Let's give them something to talk about!
4. No flipping way will be layed off tonight!
5. Guys heads up, it's inauguration day!
6. There is the REMOTE possibility that our batteries will fail.
7. Let's keep this party afloat!
8. You'll be SHOCKed at how much this stuff can affect your job performance!
Nancy Nelson

"Drink up and everybody hide."
Pete Dey, Greensboro

"Talk about CHANGE, we could never hold drinks like this before Obama was elected!"
"So long Rabbit Ears."
"Yes, we have been instruments of change for years, but to expect an
Obama cabinet position was expecting too much."
"Change? That's not new. It's what we do every day."
"So long analog."
I'm going to miss ol' Rabbit Ears.
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

"Let's cell-a-brate!"
"Let's have a cell-a-bration!"
Richard Howle, Jamestown

Seriously. I tried my hardest to talk to her but she's not remotely interested in me!
Leslie Kelly-Council, Gibsonville
Bah-dum-bah!

"I'm so glad they've put martinis on the menu, aren't you"
Kaye King, Burlington

1. "Hello boys. I'm from Boston. They call me 'Da Clickah'."
2. What TV remotes do when you can't find them.
3. What TV remotes do when you can't find them (except in Asheboro).
4. "I must confess that I get turned on by the TV...and vice versa."
Curt Raygor, Summerfield

"So which one of you is watching the Inauguration?"
Ryan Natal

So there I was, stuck in the sofa with nothing to eat but stale cheese puffs.
You mean that there are women too? I never see much of them.
Trust me. Hiding under the magazine rack just drives them CRAZY!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Nice ones.

With martinis they're looking so slick.
There's an issue that cuts to the quick.
There's a question because
Hitting each other's "Pause"
Does not qualify them as a clique.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I can not believe the names he called me while he was sitting on me!
It was fun under the couch. I don't know why he was so upset!
I get no respect, I am so basic!
After all these years, he is going to trash us for a universal remote!
Great going away party. I am not looking forward to the attic.
I can not have another drink, he will be home soon.
It is so much easier on me when she controls me.
I hope there is a game on tonight, waking up every 30 minutes is no fun.
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

You should have heard the names he was calling me while he was sitting on me!
It was fun under the couch. I don't know why he was so upset.
This is a great going away party. I am not looking forward to going to the attic.
I can not have another drink, he will be home soon
I hope a game is on tonight. Waking up every 30 minutes is no fun.
It is easier on me when she controls me
After all these years ,I cannot believe he is replacing us with a universal remote
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

1.) I just don't think the garage door opener is club material.
2.) Whee,I don't remember what I control and I don't care!
3.) I love you guys! (hic)
4.)Who's the designated universal remote tonight?
5.)This party is to cheer up DVD remote who's feeling a little nervous about the new Blueray player.
6.)That BlueRay remote thinks he's God's gift to television.
7.) Is this one of those parties where everyone throws their batteries in a bowl?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Drink and be merry, tomorrow we will be obsolete.
Here today tomorrow the recycle bin.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
Did you hear about the man who handed his wife the remote during a Super Bowl?
The fortune teller said I'd be surrounded by chips and dip on February 1.
I've NEVER had to work as hard as I did this past Tuesday.
Tuesday almost did me in -- how about you?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"I like my drinks like my batteries...mixed."
"Do you all recall?"
"Who's in control of this toast?"
"Everyone pause for a moment..."
"How many times are you going to repeat yourself?"
"We shall replay this memory over and over again."
"Now, this is what I call charging up!"
"We're not gonna tape it!"
"This wouldn't be possible without universal."
"Is everyone focusing?"
"Yes, we can change!"
"So, who will still be around for digital?"
Ian Knight, Greensboro

Well, my son is interning at Mattel in the RC Automotive division.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

9. How many remotes does it take to turn on a TV?!
10. How many buttons do we really need?!
11. Some of us need to go home and sleep it off!
12. Who's in charge of recording the inauguration!
13. Who forgot to turn on the VCR?!
14. Did you set the timer for the football game?
Nancy Nelson

"Welcome to our weekly mixer for incompatible singles."
Tom Shelmerdine, Greensboro

1. His wife came in asked if he lost the remote again? He said no, the cat was playing hide and seek.
2. Thanks for the send off guys. The new guys arrive with the fancy theater system, satellite dish, and HDTV.
3. New American Idol judge good looking? Missed seeing her as I got stuffed between the cushions again.
4. Time to retire. I just don't have the circuits to handle it all anymore.
5. Actually, I work the VHS player in the back room.
6. Well, I am pretty basic.
7. Didn't you know that vintage is in now?
8. Well, it's Super Bowl time again, so the "coach" has decided this player needs to be replaced.
9. See you guys are here for the interview. Good luck. Bet you won't last as long as I have.
10. Being basic, uncomplicated and easy to work I survived. My best to the winner as this guy has no technological sense at all.
11. You say you all come with manuals and easy instructions? Well, here's to lots of luck!
Sandi O'Reilly, Greensboro

1.) Here's to the guy that stepped on the universal remote.
2.) Here's to new batteries!
3.) A toast to the energizer bunny!
4.) A toast to Circuit city.We will never forget you!
5.) Here's to good ol' Circuit city! Rest in peace.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.) Congrats to VCR remote on his recent retirement!
2.) How bout a little pay per view porn Time- Warner remote ol' buddy?
3.) Here's to no more dollar store batteries!
4.)You control the TV? I thought I contolled the TV!
5.) A toast to redundancy!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

All's well that Tivo's well.
Carol Eubanks

1.) A toast to Kyle who passed away recently due to a coroded battery.
2.)Here's to our owner finally washing his hands after eating cheetos or watching porn..
3.) Here's to rotting the minds of today's youth!
4.) (Hic)I better mute myself before I say something I'll reget.
5.) Oye, que presiono' el boton de la lengua espanola.(Hey,who pressed the spanish language button)
6.)Can everyone hear me over the music or do I need to use closed captioning?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Liked #s 4 and 6

"so i said Feb. 28th is good for me"
Seth Kennedy, Greensboro

"Gosh, it's great to be out and about again, especially after being wedged down between two sofa cushions for a couple of weeks".
Keith Gunn, Madison
Nice

15. I can remember when they had to walk over to the TV and turn a knob to change channels!
16. Have you heard the latest, they have a remote that TALKS?!
17. A talking remote, what's next!
18. They are so out of control, they know how to push all our buttons!
19. We can't control everything!
20. We should just hide their instructions and see what happens!
Nancy Nelson

1.) Someone hit the aspect button so I have room to bust a move.
2.) He pushed the living heck outta my eyeball yesterday!
3.) Whee!! Here's to living in the Pike house!
4.)Can you believe how much porn this guy watches?!
5.)He keeps aiming me at his wife and pushing the heck outta my mute button!
6.)The idiot aimed the garage door opener at the TV yesterday!
7.)Agreed! No more #$%*& reality TV !!! (I learned the joys of cartoon cussing from you Tim.Aren't you proud?)
8.)Geez Time -Warner,you drink like a Sponge Bob.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.)Careful what you say around the DVR remote.That dude remembers everything!
2.) I'm hungry.Someone hit Menu.
3.)I was hoping the swap button meant something else,heh,heh.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I heard 20% cutback middle of February"
"Hey guys, I just signed on with Overhead Door, opening position"
"Digital - smigital, next to go are my AAA's"
Jim Lawrence, Summerfield

"I warned him, don't push that button"
Pat O'Donnell, Kernersville

"I'll have what TVx is drinking."
Phil Johnson, Siler City

"TVx's problem??? His button's been pushed one time too many."
Christian Pike, age 12 Siler City

"The converter box has been playing headgames with ol' TVx over there."
Myra Johnson, Siler City

"The guy on the end?? Identity crisis.........he learned his girlfriend is a cell phone."
Christian Pike, age 12 Siler City

1.)Somebody hit 'II' while I go to the bathroom.
2.) Here's to clocks that always blink 12:00.
3.) A toast to extended warranties!!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

21. Don't push my buttons!
22. If they don't push my buttons, I'm out of a job!
Nancy Nelson

1.)So Carrie,how are things between you and Mr. Big screen.
2.) Watch it pal,you're really pushin' my buttons!
3.) I can't get a decent massage without making the entertainment center go nuts!
4.) And then I was just a few feet away from a great white shark,but enough about the Discovery channel.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Drink up guys, here's to HDTV!"
catherine mckoy

"To all the girls I loved before."
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"Here's to another year of use and abuse by the couch potatoes of the world!!"
"Cheer up, we will deliver HD on February 17th!!"
"Good news. I now control an entire home theater!!"
"Damn our circuits. Bottoms up!"
"To health ... and hand sanitizer!!"
"To our hero, WALL-E!
"Good news. I now have the naked channel!"
"To our lost and tossed comrades!"
"Mine is 43". How big are yours?"
"Our chances may be remote, but here's to control of the universe!!"
"If only we had legs, we could run away from those fat fingers!!"
"Here the hair of the pet dog that bit you!"
"Drink up. It's a proven external degreaser!"
"May the best remote win"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"where're remotely alike"
Louise Adcock, Siler City

Sometimes, I just feel like a VCR in a Tivo world.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

After a few drinks, Jimmy's friends seemed a little remote.
David C. Ribar, Greensboro

"Enjoy, fellows! Their New Year's gym resolutions usually burn out by February!"
Kevin Little

A change would do us good
"To Change...."
"I don't think this is how batteries are supposed to 'recharge.'"
"We need to rest for the Superbowl commercials."
I guess our votes did change the election ... to ACORN."
All you need to do to change their positions is have them elected to office ...
"This looks like a "super" majority to me."
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Hillsborough

"Here's to another year of not being replaced by a universal remote."
"I'm glad you old timers finally let me join your club."
"Here's to what really happens between the cushions."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

When I said our batteries needed more juice, this is not what I had in mind.
Zander Miller age 11

Then when Jake Delhomme threw that last interception, he banged me twice on the coffee table and launched me across the room. I hate the NFL playoffs.
Stacy Miller Greensboro
Nice.

23. Well this is better than being lined up on the coffee table!
24. We'll hide in the couch, they'll never find us there!
25. Get lost!
26. I bet I can drink all of you under the table!
Nancy Nelson
Liked # 24, but, as you can see, it was a common theme.

"One more, you bums, and then get lost."
"The bubbles tickle my recall button."
"After this, will one of you hit my sleep button?"
"Hic, and I? say Seinfeld was number one."
"Commercial? What's a commercial?"
"I think I'm about to lose my bodily functions."
"That wasn't even remotely funny."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I really liked #3 too

1) My buttons are sore from all that texting.
2) I love those commercials
3) My owner is a faster texter than yours.
4) I vote for a price increase.
John Lonergan, Whitsett

1. "Max, isn't that your wife over there playing with a Wii Controller?"
2. "My doctor said I should get fresh batteries whenever I feel
I'm loosing control of my bodily functions."
3. "What's wrong with Larry? He looks like he just saw a universal remote."
4. "My wife says I'm too distant and controlling."
5. "Let's face it, we're all control freaks."
6. "Remember, everyone scatter and hide before he gets home."
7. "…And then I said,‘Change the channel yourself'."
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Good suff.

Here's to the digital conversion!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.So it's agreed, we all stop working on February 17th.
2.So it's agreed, we make the universal "disappear" tonight!
3.So it's agreed, we delete the TiVo tonight.
4.Which one of you took my batteries?
5.So, I just got some batteries from her nightstand.
6.So I said to wife "quit pushing my buttons Alice, or it's bang, zoom, straight to the couch".
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

"And so my friends as we say our last goodbyes, ‘Here's to progress! Harry,
Push ON!'"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"Hey, let's head down to that new sofa bar."
David Downing, Greensboro

Hardy-har-har! Wasn't that just the funniest when the wife was pushing all of our buttons and began screaming, "Which of these stupid things turns on the TV??!!!"
Kelly Frye

"Bob, that language is definitely TV 14."
"Who was supposed to bring the potato chip crumbs?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Does Tim seem a little remote to you?
"He sure changed things and we're going to miss him."
"Frankly girls, I don't think he'll ever change."
"Now that we're all here, this changes everything."
"Cheer up, things will change tomorrow."
Michael Creech, Springboro, OH

"I hate I called him "rabbit ears"."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Heres to Analog,? May he rest in Peace..
Jon Sorman, Greensboro

"My doctor prescribes fresh batteries whenever I feel I'm loosing control of my bodily functions."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Here's to Change! That's our job you know".
Bob Fuller, Greensboro

"Barack Obama talks about change, but we've been doing it all our life." -
Emily Olmedo, Jamestown, Age 8

"Let's show the TV who's boss"
Alyssa Olmedo, Jamestown, Age 4

"I can't believe we've been replaced. The new guy's name is Universal, and
they say he can do the work of all of us"
Eric Olmedo, Jamestown

"Here's to Tim Rickard, named Cartoon Network's 2008 Man of the Year!"
"The Greensboro Recycling Center has determined rabbit ears are recyclable!"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Hears to another year lost in the cushions. UGH.
Only one round this year boys. Couldn't find much change.
Tina Gilmore, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
One of the best things for me about JOU is doing a drawing that I fear will inspire little variety, and then see the numerous takes, spins and directions you guys come up with. I'm a professional and I'm afraid I wouldn't have thought of half these ideas. The least fun thing about JOU is knowing so many good captions will be left out because of lack of space.
Remember the Jr. category - ages 12 and under (you guys rocked this week.) Please add your age to the entry if you want to enter in that division.

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"What weather forecast did you listen to?"
Christian Pike Jr., 12 Years Old, Siler City

JR. RUNNER-UP
"You always were a snow-off!"
Emily Olmedo, age 8

WINNER
"I bet we'll empty every milk and bread shelve in the county by noon."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Among many strong entries, we couldn't resist the local and topical flavor of this one.Good stuff this week, Gray. Several made it to the short list.

RUNNERS-UP
Heavens Gloria - Not another hot flash!
Don Gunn, Wentworth

"I warned you about too much sun!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

You obviously didn't get the memo.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Good stuff this week as usual. We also liked the "come to more meetings" one.

"I Knew you would change after we got married, but this is ridiculous!"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
Liked another of your other entries, too

"Give ‘em hail!"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

FREEZE!
Roy Crosier, Jamestown; Nancy Nelson; Curt Raygor, Summerfield; Ian Knight; Dorothy Sykes, Elon
A lot of entries obviously, but our judges still like it.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Looks like Rickard is using the "stock" expressions again.
Looks like Dr. Mel is playing with the Weather Maker 9000 again.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

6-Emily Byrd predicted me, not you.
Max Harless, High Point

BEST/WORST PUN
"You always were a snow-off!"
Emily Olmedo, age 8

"Water" you doing? (worst one I've ever sent it)
Grady, Greensboro

I snow you can change!
Nancy Nelson

"I've got a bad feeling all hails going to break loose."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"You had better slow down or you'll go straight to Hail.
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

If you freeze on the way down there will be hail to pay
If you don't go to church you'll go to hail!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Give ‘em hail!"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
This may be the weakest issue of Marvel Team-up ever.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Too obscure for the average reader, but my personal favorite.

MATURE
My ideal girl has to have enough hydrogen. To me, anything less is just a HO.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Bah-dum-dah!

BEST POEM(S)
A speedy raindrop on his way down,
laughed as he passed a snow flake,
just floating around.
She told him it didn't matter,
because when he hit the ground,
he would just splatter.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

Winter weather can be tricky, Stay away from that cold air
or you'll cause them more problems that I ever would dare,
but if you make the change now, We'll make this scene clean and bright
and show them some winter fun and some snowy delight
or if you choose to delay we'll make a big mess
and cause them even more stress.
You'll freeze into ice as you fall
and that will not be good at all.
Come on,Big Drip, what's with the delay,
I see children wanting to play!
Nancy Nelson

THE REST
1.) Aren't you cold?
2)Are you wearing that?
3.)Aren't you cold in that outfit?
4.)No,I don't want to race.
5.)If you don't go to church you'll go to hail!
6.)You might want to rethink that before you hit the ground.
7.)You get back up there and get dressed mister.
8)I'm freezing dear.
9.)Not the best form for a non splattered landing pal.
10.)You may fall faster like that but you won't like the landing.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Chill out, dude! You keep goin' the way you are and you'll end up as a big 'splat' on the sidewalk!"
Margaret E. T. Thatcher, High Point

1.)Try it again.
2.)I thought we were wearing matching outfits?
3.)Oh hail no!
4.)My outfit will freak them out in Greensboro.
5.) I know I'm the only flake but that's still enough to close all the schools in Guilford county.
6.) That's not very creative.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

It's under 32. Don't you know?
Andrew Long Age 12, Greensboro

"I told you to turn the heat down!"
"I Knew you would change after we got married, but this is ridiculous!"
You always have to be first!"
" I knew it would never work, we were so different!"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro,NC

FREEZE!?
Roy Crosier, Jamestown

Hey, it is my turn!
Connie Jones, Brown Summit

"Pace You!"
Ken Layton, Carthage

Let's try to hit the ground at the same time.
Ken Layton, Carthage
Wait!? We have to make a desision on who is going to hit the ground first!!!
Erica Rayn, Greensboro

1. He ain't heavy, he's my brother!
2. You'll fall like a ton of bricks!
3. You go first and I'll cover you!
4. Let's go make havoc on their day!
5. I know I'm a Flake but you're a Big Drip!
6. Watch out for that gust of cold air!
7. I love making messes, don't you?!
Nancy Nelson

Heavens Gloria - Not another hot flash!
Don Gunn, Wentworth

"You had better slow down or you'll go straight to Hail.
"Yes, I am a flake, but after I warm up a bit, you'll find I'm just like you!
Mike Creech

My ideal girl has to have enough hydrogen. To me, anything less is just a HO.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

You going to the Winter Mixer too?
"I bet we'll empty every milk and bread shelf in the county by noon."
"I heard they've already closed Guilford Country Schools for a week."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Oh Oh! Someone is having hot flashes again !
Jacques Gagnon ,Greensboro
Nice one, Jacques. You were just beat to the punch(line) by the runner-up by a day.

1.)Hey,wait up.
2.)What's your hurry fella?
3.)Oops, I thought we were supposed to snow on Noah.
4.)Why did I go numb?
5.)I think they're tired of rain by now.
6.) I don't think you tried very hard.
7.) Is it cold up here or is it just me?
8.) I just like to see the schools freak out.
9.) Freezing rain is just too mean for me.
10.)Oh come on. It's Christmas for crying out loud!
11.)You obviously didn't get the memo.
12.) If you freeze on the way down there will be hail to pay.
13.)They're not dreaming of a muddy damp Christmas.
14.) Too soon ,too soon.
15.)Good gosh, you're ugly.
16) Aim for Gene Kelly.
17.)Aim for BJ Thomas's head.
18.)That's not very pretty.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"If you turn this page upside down we are falling up"
"Are we supposed to be decorations? I mean, look at these strings we are hanging on!"
"And they call jumping out of planes sky diving!"
"I will bet you 25$ I will beat you to Johny `s tongue."
"Are we in France? Cause it`s hailing also."
'Don `t be nervous Bailey. It `s your first time. We snowflakes and raindrops live for millions of years."
(Jordan, last week's winner)

"Are you sure you're not running a fever?"
John Elkins,Greensboro

You're going down there just to mess up the trees and roads, aren't you?
You want to play with the power lines, don't you?
Those two-syllable words you'll hear are really one-syllable words with a Southern twist.
Stay up here or you'll freeze.
It's true -- you'll get stuck on a metal object.
I could go down there all by myself and they'd still call off school.
They look like ants to me too.
I sort of like it when they turn the windshield wipers on.
The ants down there won't like a visit from YOU in freezing weather.
I'm lacy and fluffy and pretty -- I'm a girrrrl.
If I stay fluffy I'll get the big brush-off.
They MIGHT take photos of you -- they WILL take photos of me.
Duke Energy likes me better than it likes you!
See that lady down there -- she has a big baaddd ice scraper.
I'll be a snowman -- you'll be a hazard.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Liked the school reference — very good. And the southern twist on that word …

"Baby, it' s cold outside!"
Bill Johnson, Lexington

1.) Been there, done that.
2.)Have you looked in a mirror.
3.) Uh oh, premature meltification.
4.) Boy,you sure get in a hurry when you see a newly washed car.
5.)I'm singing with some rain...
6.)So this is what they meant by mixed precipitation.
7.)Party crasher.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Even if we don't win the race, we still get an award for precipitation.
"I told you not to be so Hot- Headed"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Wonder how many of those men are wearing pantyhose to stay warm?
Hey you down there, put a hat on that kid.
Want to place bets on the Yankee spinning out?
Look at that strange array of clothes down there.
Wow, old Ralph is hauling out the snow skis.
You scream, I scream, we all scream for SNOW CREAM!!!
You'd better get used to being called "wintry mix."
So how do you like the 24-hours of TV coverage?
Slip, slide, fall, squall.
I love falling in the South -- they never get tired of snow!
We're still a big deal in the South!
Joan Lux, Greensboro
24 hour coverage. Good stuff!

"People around here don't look kindly on mixed precipitation."
"So what if I'm a flake, you drip!"
"There you go...pounding the pavement again."
"Well, no two of me are alike!"
"Dude, chill! The kids want to get out of school!"
"You do this every time our relationship starts to heat up!"
"What even precipitated this fight?"
"I want children! Who cares if they're sleet?"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Sleet children? Brilliant, I thought. Our judges didn't flag it, though. Maybe it needed to be reworded.

1.) It's been great H2Oing you.
2.) Did you see that sparrow carrying a coconut?
3.)You're pretty cute for a amorphous blob.
4.) I told you not to ride that thermal updraft.
5.) I thought the invitation said formal.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Oh no, another drop-out in the family..."
Kelly Frye, Greensboro

1.)You really need to start coming to meetings.
2.) NOYELLOWSNOWIMO!
3.) Are my flake spikes on straight?
4.)I thought you were gonna get your flake on.
5.)This may be the weakest issue of Marvel Teamup ever.
6.) I told you not to have that coco.
7.) That coulda been me.
8.)Again?Your bladder must be the size of a peanut.
9.) Don't rush off mad.It's all water under the bridge.
10.)What precipitated that?
11.) I can't believe we earn the same salary.
12.) I'm asking for a raise.
13.)You always think global warming won't happen to you
14.) Nice job Mr. big talk I'll be the best snowflake ever.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Poem
A speedy raindrop on his way down,
laughed as he passed a snow flake,
just floating around.
She told him it didn't matter,
because when he hit the ground,
he would just splatter.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

Ha, I'm unique and you're not!
James R. Pitcher, Greensboro
8. Freeze!
9. The weather is frightful!
10. Slick, you first!
11. This event will get mixed reviews!
12. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
13. Time for slip and slide!
14. Stop fooling around, Crystalize!
15. I'm falling and I can't get up!
15. And they thought it couldn't get any worse!
16. I see a child with a sled down there!
16. Happy New Year!
17. Let's give them and excuse to stay home!
18. It's freezing out here!
19. Brr!
Nancy Nelson

1.) Partypooper.
2.) Aren't you supposed to be in Spain falling on a plain?
3.) Somebody in quality control is asleep at the switch.
4.) Hot flashes again Claire?
5.)Awww,all that work ruined by gust of warm air.
6.) Better luck next time.
7.)That can't end well.
8.) Brace yourself for a rough landing.
9.)You just can't resist Gene's singing can you?
10.)Want me to show you how it's done?
11.) Are you lookin' at me punk?
12.) Is that the best you could come up with?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Give 'em hail!"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Just because he called me a flake, I'm supposed to melt all over him?
Cee Duncan, Greensboro

1) "I know I'm unique, but we'll both just be water under the bridge soon."
2) "I want to be a snowman when I grow up!"
3) "Nice of you to drop by."
Mike Creech, Ohio

"Race ya."
"What weather forecast did you listen to?"
Christian Pike 12 Years Old, Siler City

"Look who's calling me a 'flake' you little drip."
Myra Johnson, Siler City

"Get with the program."
"If I hear Jim Cantore talk about the wedge effect one more time..."
"Frozen precipitation not participation"
"They won't close school for you - Oh, wait, we are talking about GCS."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"You didn't read the Almanac, did you?"
"You are way underdone"
"Why don't you like children?"
Tom Smith, Greensboro
Liked the Almanac and "underdone" ones

"(if you freeze) I will be you in a past life"
Jordan Suzanna

* "You're leaving!? You said you would wait until I melted!
* "I warned you about too much sun!!"
* "Go rush down, you will soon be in the gutter!"
* "Have you ever heard the "Tortoise and Hare" story?
* "Is that you, Dew? You all look alike!"
* "Please signal if you want to pass!!"
* "I didn't mean it when I said "Drop Dead!".
* "Remember to bend the knees before splashing!"
* "Wow! Nasty acid rain dropping!"
* "We said things weren't working but I did not expect you to fall away like this"
* "Turncoat"
* "But what about our little snow drops?!!"
* "Enjoy this year's water cycle. See you next winter!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Easy for you to say .. no one's called you a flake!
Cee Duncan, Greensboro

1.)Snowflakes should never look on the sunny side.
2.) I think you were adopted.
3.) Don't you just hate indecisive clouds?
4.) How do you like your new sunroom?
5.) I got a promotion.
6.)Snowflakes should never tan.
7.) Uh oh,I see a kid with his tongue stuck out down there.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Raindrop singing "Raindrops keep falling on my head".
Snowflake "It's my turn to sing. Frosty the Snowman"
Marcia Minsky, LosCon, CA.

"Aren't you freezing?"
"I'm sorry I put your finger in that bowl of water."
"Quick, pull your reserve chute."
"What do you mean "flaky"."
"You can fall anywhere but the airport is the only place that counts."
"You're on. I say they'll cancel school even before I land."
"You raindrops are allll alike."
"No dear, I haven't touched the thermostat."
"You go ahead, I don't think I'll reach the ground."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"FREEZE!"
"Chill out, dude!"
"Hey! Be Cool"
"Ice, Ice Baby"
"You guys are all alike."
"I might be flaky, but you're all wet."
"I think 'Snow Dogs' was a much better movie than 'Waterworld'."
"Snowboarding is very different than water boarding."
"And the coolest thing is, Doppler radar never saw us coming."
Curt Raygor, Summerfield

"Looks like we're a mixed breeze."
"Freeze!"
"Freeze, right now!"
"What a drip!"
"You need to lose weight."
"What's the rush?"
Ian Knight, Greensboro

20. I snow you can change!
21. Snow your stuff!
22. You'll change your attitude as soon as that gust of wind hits you!
23. Things are looking too green, it's time for a change in the scenery!
24. Lighten up! 2
5. There's no business, like snow business!
Nancy Nelson

Winter weather can be tricky, Stay away from that cold air or you'll cause them more problems that I ever would dare,but if you make the change now, We'll make this scene clean and bright and show them some winter fun and some snowy delight or if you choose to delay we'll make a big mess and cause them even more stress. You'll freeze into ice as you fall and that will not be good at all. Come on,Big Drip, what's with the delay,I see children wanting to play!
Nancy Nelson

"I'm taking the scenic route."
"Don't worry--I'll cover your back."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"You always were a snow-off!"
Emily Olmedo, age 8
"Why are you snowing when I'm burning hot?"
Alyssa Olmedo, age 4
"Regardless of our state, we'll always have H2O in common"
Eric Olmedo, age 38

1. Well EXCUSE me!
2. They keep sending them younger and younger.
3. Hey, you're not done yet.
4. You are leaving the cloud dressed like that?
5. Looks like a Honda jet is leaking.
6. Why so blue?
7. You look like a guy I knew once, nice guy but a real drip.
8. Looks like Rickard is using the "stock" expressions again.
9. Looks like Dr. Mel is playing with the Weather Maker 9000 again.
10. I didn't realize the snow day was optional.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
Liked number 2. And 3. And 10 was good. (And # 8 is true.)

1.) Where the hail is Bob?
2.) Who called this meeting?
3.) It was getting crowded up there.
4.) How's the ol' incontinence problem going?
5.) Are we supposed to send the cloud a card on mother's day?
6.) I don't believe we've met before.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1. "I've got a bad feeling all hails going to break loose."
2. "Hey, this was suppose to be a formal appearance."
3. "I didn't expect you to drop by."
4. "Thrill freak!"
5. "You never did want to be different."
6. "Where's your chute?"
7. "Oh look, a rainbow!"
Tom Norman, Greensboro
I liked the formal wear one, but the rest of our judges weren't crazy about any clothing-related gags. Go figure.

"You're going to disappoint a lot of school kids today."
"Where are you going? No one was calling for a wintry mix."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

You just have to have your morning shower don't you?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

- Slow down! Crazy northerners.
- Put on your coat, it's freezing!
- Did you skip science class again?
- Pull your shute!!
- Dual zone heating clouds.amazing!
- You'll convert, they always do.
- "Water" you doing? (worst one I've ever sent it)
Grady, Greensboro
I've heard from many people who thought your runner-up last week should have won.

1- I'm a fancy dude. You're just a drip.
2-No, you did not meet my twin!
3-Don't you envy me? I'm going to the Snow Ball.
4-My favorite poet? Robert Frost.
5-My favorite singer? Phoebe Snow.
6-Emily Byrd predicted me, not you.
7-They can make snow forts and snowmen out of me. What can they make out of you?
Max Harless, High Point
Liked number 6. Topical and local.

1.)Back to basics, huh.
2.)Deep down were all pretty much the same.
3.)I'm solid and you're liquid and if you pull my flake I'll add a liitle gas.
4.)Can't we all just get along?
5.)You must be from the warm side of the cloud.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

26. I told you to dress up!
27. Pretty is as pretty does!
28. I can't take you anywhere!
Nancy Nelson

"Looks like this cloud is Bipolar."
"I bet you catch hail before this day is over."
"Give ‘em hail buddy."
"It's cold out here, how come you're not freezing?"
"Looks like I need to check my antifreeze."
"I'll introduce you to my sister if you promise not to get nervous and freeze up."
"Not even Ed Matthews predicted this."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"You forgot your coat!"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

" All I'm sayin' is, it's a historical inauguration. Maybe you could've dressed up."
Mark Weddle, Greensboro

"....but this IS my birthday suit!!!"
"You've got to learn to chill."
"Cool it."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Personally, I liked the "chill" one.

Just what we need, another drop-out in the family!
Kelly Frye

"Miss Hot Body."
"You will be up a creek before you know it."
"You're quick, but you will never outlast me."
"He's no kin to me."
"Another bailout."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
Well, I'm back. Miss me?
A little something different. I often get entries from kids. It seems unfair to have them compete against the grown-ups, so, I'm adding a test category for kids age 12 or under. If you, or someone you know fits that criteria and wants to enter, just mark the entry somewhere as "Jr. division" and give the entrant's name and age in the e-mail or mail. We'll pick our favorite of these and run it.

WINNER
I was going to retire December 31st, until my 401k tanked.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

JR. DIVISION WINNER:
"What the?! Baby food! I forgot i ain`t no baby 2008 anymore. Stupid 2009."
Jordan Suzanna Frye, age 9, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"And I still don't know what credit default swaps are."
Hal Koger, McLeansville

Ever had a crowd count down to your death?
Grady, Greensboro

"I just don't understand why I didn't get a bail out, everyone else that ran things into the ground did."
Lyn Nieri, Summerfield

Yup. Me too. Fired and replaced by someone a lot younger with a lot less experience.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I've entered the witness protection program.
Bill Wallace, High Point

It's almost midnight. That poor clueless little schmuck!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Do you like movies about gladiators?
Looks like I picked the wrong year to quit drinking.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
... and don't call me Shirley

Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a Kaiser blade mmmmmhm.
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

"Clarence, I think it would have been better if I had never been born."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I can take the taunts but I don't like the farting in my general direction.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Funny, you don't look French

I bet this isn't as good as the elderberry wine those two old ladies offered me.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
…with old lace …

Or, if that was too high-brow, there's this one for those of you who remember "Hee-Haw"
GLOOM, DESPAIR AND AGONY ON ME...
David Jones, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
When I was your age, we didn't have any bars here in Asheboro.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"I didn't think we would be doing this in Asheboro during my watch !"
Harold Sexton, Asheboro

Well, after this I plan to get a job as an extra in the Brewster Rockit strip.
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

Another prune juice and put it on Rickard's tab
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

My brother Mel Practice was always mom's favorite.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

"Sigh. My biggest regret is that I never won the joke's on you contest in 2008."
"Not too much funny happened in '08, I don't know what to say."
Michael L. Creech, Springboro, OH

I use two calendars -- the Gregorian and the GCS calendar on the fridge.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Me too.

Thanks for listening to my troubles Mr. Rickard.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
... huh?
(my wife would apperciate that comment)

I can't even hide from Pam on the RU Sirius
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

Tim went on vacation and I'm stuck here another week!
The cartoonist went on vacation and I'm stuck here another week.
Hope 2009 can teach Tim how to tell time!
Tim(e) management is the key to a happy new year!
( Just having a little fun here,the JOY is on you, have a good vacation)
Nancy Nelson
Thanks, Nancy.

Apparently I'm not done until Rickard names a winner.
Deadpan

Us old-bots may be old and slow, be we can get the job done!
Nancy Nelson

I may need another drink if Tim doesn't post a new "JOU"
Jon Barsanti Jr
Sometimes drinking helps when you're reading JOU. Or judging it.

MATURE
.....and I said I don't think my scythe will even fit back there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST POEM
With the passage of each year,
Prosperity is what we want to hear,
Well it's not happening this year,
I took my best shot, I see you're crying in your beer.
When we get greedy
and don't help the downtrodden and the needy
our 401-Ks, health insurance, environment, stock,
businesses, etc. all go to pot.
It's too late for me but you, my friend,
can start all over again!
My last advice Make Love not War and may 2008 Rest in PEACE!
Nancy Nelson

THE REST
1. Depression hurts!
2. Depression hurts everyone!
3. Who am I kidding, it was a lousy year!
4. I just don't know what happened!
5. It's time for me to retire!
6. It's time for a change!
7. Here's hoping 2009 will be a better year!
8. Good luck Obama, I couldn't get those congressmen to listen to me!
9. We need a plan of recovery!
10. I need a vacation!
11. I'm ready for 2009 to bail me out!
12. They just told me, because of the economy I won't be getting my retirement party!
13. I gave it my best shot!
14. All most everyone is glad to see me go!
15. I regret having to past this schythe to 2009!
16. What could I have done differently?!
17. Every move I tried was BUSHwhacked!
Nancy Nelson
I like bushwhacked, but a bit too political.

Why'd I have to carry a scythe? An Uzi would'd been lighter and more effective.
Ken Layton, Carthage

Quoting the Grateful Dead:"What a long strange trip it's been."
Vanise Goodnight, Lexington

I can't describe 2008. This is a family newspaper.
I'd have retired back in January had they told me that 2008 was an election year.
Ken Layton, Carthage

18. Call me crazy but I think things will get worse!
19. I'll probably be seen as the worst year in recent history!
20. I'm worried about my health insurance, will I be eating or taking my medicines.
21. Where's the Prozac?!
22. Quit looking at me like that, it's not my fault!
23. Yeah I know, you'll be glad to see me go!
24. Trouble is noone's hiring!
25. Wallowing in self pity doesn't help!
Nancy Nelson
24 is good

08 was a bad year, it got me on the hard stuff.
I had to go on welfare in October.
Broke and homeless, could you buy me a beer?
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"Wish I'd taken early retirement."
Dawn Hailey, Greensboro
Nice.

So when the Angel of Death got his federal bailout, they rearranged the corporate infrastructure. At least I'll have a job well into 2009.
Some folks call it a sling blade, I call it a Kaiser blade mmmmmhm.
So I says to him, I says: 'go ahead and whack me now. I can't take another freakin' week!'
Well I'm SORRY that this blade makes you nervous, but after the year
I've had, I would think you would understand why I carry it!
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

You might want to nurse that big mug far into 2009.
A new broom should sweep clean.
Just remember -- ' 09 arrived in diapers.
I did enjoy being the Second Millennium baby.
Upside? I'm always mentioned in history books.
Hope it's a short winter -- I don't enjoy wearing diapers.
Set 'em up, Joe, and make it . . . .
That scythe gets heavier each day.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

When I was your age, we didn't have any bars here in Asheboro.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

1.) You try funding a retirement plan in 1 year in this economy!
2.)Give me a water. It's all I can afford!
3.)My mother warned me there would be years like this.
4.)It was the longest 365 days of my life pal!
5.) I sure hope my IRA rebounds in the next couple of days!
6.)I've got to start reading those want ads more carefully!
7.) Plop plop fizz fizz pretty much sums up this year!
8.) I mainly used it to harvest grain for ethanol.
9.) Mr. Madoff said he needs to meet with me about my IRA!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Had I reaped anything grimmer, I wouldn't be sitting here now."
John Reames, Greensboro

" OK, do they remember me for Obama or Brittney?"
" OK, do I try to bailout the new guy?"
Larry Hobbs, Greensboro

1.) I want a mulligan!
2.) I want a do over!
3.) Keep 'em coming!
4.) From C -section to Cialis in one year is hard on a fella.
5.) Give me the strongest stuff ya got!
6.) Well, I guess it's back to diapers!
7.) I'll have another vodka and prune juice please.
8.) I sure didn't see that coming!
9.)They better not compare me to that 1929 fella.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Liked number 2 and 9.

1) Man! I'm glad this is over!
2) I have no idea what just happened.
3) Sure, I wanted a wife,kids,the whole deal, but the year just went by so fast!
4) Not a good time to be needing money from my I.R.A..
5) I'm thinking about kicking that baby's butt and going for another year.
6) Seems like just a few months ago I was your age.
7) You should try to get thru airport security with this thing.
8) No retirement, out of a job, Happy New Year my butt!
9) Well, after this I plan to get a job as an extra in the Brewster Rockit strip.
10) Maybe I can be a greeter at Wal-Mart.
11) Ahhh, to be 6 months old again.
12) I never really got to know my father.
13) Try goin from puberty to viagra in 4 months!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1) "They tell me help is on the way!"
2) "My bailout application is in the works"
3) "Wish that little guy would hurry up!"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1.) What the #$%*&$# just happened?!
2.) What a #%*$%# year!
3.) Another prune juice and put it on Rickard's tab.
4.) I wonder if the Grim Reaper is hiring?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.) Where's my golden parachute?
2.) I'm trying to convince one of the other years to trade sashes.
3.) 1929 is the only year willing to trade sashes.
4.)They're putting me in a witness protection program.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
No. 4 is good, I gave the nod for the runner-up spot to Bill as he sent it via snail-mail, so I gave him a break on the "who got it in first" criteria. Plus, his was just a smidge briefer.

I'm THE charter member of the Older than Dirt Club.
And then little Tommy Jones in Wichita . . . say, I'm not boring you, am I?
Someone stole my rose-colored glasses.
Hey, talking about bygone days is what old folks do, Sonny.
Mother Time can't stop worrying about the cost of diapers.
2008 . . . only a tiny blip on the radar of time.
In my next life I'll stay a young whippersnapper.
My, how time flies.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1.) Hindsight is 20/20 you know!
2.) In hindsight I might have done things a wee bit differently.
3.) $%#!*& subprime mortgages!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
One of our judges liked # 2

"I just want finish my drink and get outta here."
"I pity young 2009 - I've left quite a mess."
"Sigh. My biggest regret is that I never won the joke's on you contest in 2008."
"Not too much funny happened in '08, I don't know what to say."
Michael L. Creech, Springboro, OH

".....and, as if things haven't been bad enough, my wife ran off with Dick Clark."
Phil Johnson, Siler City

"Sometimes Rodney Dangerfield comes to mind."
Christian Pike, Siler City

"There were times I'd wonder 'what would Jesus do'?"
" HAD I REAPED ANYTHING WORSE, YOU WOULD BE CRYIING IN YOUR BEER"
JOHN REAMES, Greensboro

I use two calendars -- the Gregorian and the GCS calendar on the fridge.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1.) It's almost midnight.That poor clueless little schmuck!
2.)I feel sorry for the new guy.
3.) I said sure I'll take '08 if nobody else wants it.
4.) I'm only one but I REALLY needed a drink!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"These temp jobs just wear you down."
"I'm only a year old and my whole life is behind me."
"2009 walked in and that was it.I was history."
"Mother Nature dropped me like a hot potato when she saw 2009."
"I know it's hard to believe but I haven't been carded since February."
"The worst part is the hair in the ears."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"I don't understand it...I used to be so spry!? This year I have just been 'Bush'-whacked!"
Mark Dalrymple, Greensboro

"After the year we had, I'am calling it quits!
Ivy Harris

26. Woe is me!
27. We must count our blessings before they pass!
28. Personally, I am glad this jig is over!
29. Times they are a changing!
Nancy Nelson

Running sand, sun's shadow, clock striking, I'm done !
I've really put us behind the old eight ball !
In time, you reap what you sow !
Think the ombudsman will remember me kindly ?
Just time for one last swig !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. If only I had known then.
2. Sure, the chicks dig the robe.
3. If I had a nickel for every time TSA stopped me.
4. I was just getting used to writing '08 on my checks.
5. Is killing time wrong?
6. Do you like movies about gladiators?
7. Looks like I picked the wrong year to quit drinking.
8. I had no idea I would have to wear the same thing all year.
9. My brother Mel Practice was always mom's favorite.
10. I guess I could get a job as a Walmart greeter if this gig doesn't pan out
11. Yeah I know the reaper, nice guy.
12. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a scythe sharpened?
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
#4 was the final one cut from the runners-up. Good one, but ignored the obvious events from last year.

I'm depressed ! ( You reap what you sow ! )
Take one down, and pass it around, why do they want me to go ?
Why a tin cup for me ?
Just one more on the house, please !
One more on the house, for old time's sake !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I've had a bad year, too !
Penny's from heaven, please !
Why is everybody so down on me ?
I started with good resolutions too !
Cheers to my end !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
The resolutions one was promising

You're gonna need a bigger glass for 2009
I have a hangover and 2008 isn't even finished
I started the year in a diaper and ended in the toilet ...
Berenstain Bears or Bernake? It's a bear market anyway you look at it.
I wish I could go back in time
Where's my DeLorean when I need it?
That extra day in a Leap Year is a Killer (Election Day.)
I remember when the stock market almost reached 15,000 - oh, wait - that was this year.
I think my golden parachute collapsed this year.
Baby New Year is going to have to go from Diapers to Track shoes on January 20th.
"If I could turn back time ...
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
Good stuff this week, Jon. The diapers-to-toilet one was a strong contender, too.

Bottoms Up !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Geez,even little old ladies are flipping me off !
It's hard to be incognito in this outfit.
I think the AARP put a hit out on me.
I told the New Year baby to run like hell..
.....and I said I don't think my scythe will even fit back there!
They offered me 2007 and I said noooooo I'll just wait a year.
Thanks for listening to my troubles Mr. Rickard.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'm going to party like it's 1999."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Huh, what? Yeah I guess it does look like a French number 7."
"I sure dread the reviews tomorrow."
"Clarence, I think it would have been better if I had never been born."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "I should have asked for a bailout."
2. "Maybe if Congress knew I was living on borrowed time they'd bail me out."
3. "I've seen more in my lifetime then most people see in a year."
4. "Time is like a box of chocolates. You never get enough and it makes you fat."
5. "Who's this Dick Clark guy? I've never heard of him."
6. "I was stuck in a fourth dimension, an unwilling cog in the space-time continuum. But I just wanted to be a dancer."
7. "I just found out I'll be rooming with 1929 at the retirement home."
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Liked #4 and 7. #4 made me laugh, but was too far afield from the drawing.

1. I knew it was going to be bad year when the ball dropped breaking my leg.
2. Katrina, high gas prices, unemployment--just look at me.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

Never dreamed my last Happy Hour would be spent with an Ombudsman.
History will call me the Year of Ombudsman !
Put it on my tab. Everybody else is !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1) " I have to tell my girlfriend she needs to be tested for something called a recession . "
2) " There's no way I'm getting my deposit back. "
3) " Right off the bat I hit rock-bottom, then things really got bad."
4) " If I had to do it over, I wouldn't have wasted 15 minutes on Joe the Plumber. "
5) " That sure felt longer than a year. "
6) " Not exactly a good year to start a 401K. "
7) " They caught me trying to sell my seat. "
8) " I could really use one of those bailouts. "
9) " At least Britney finished strong. "
10) " Now I have to hear all those " diapers full of auld lang syne "jokes. "
11) " I sent all my money to a Prince in Kenya. "
12) " I feel like they dropped that " ball " on me. "
13) " I probably should hire a lawyer. "
14) " Bad year is a gigantic understatement. "
15) " The Chinese New Year keeps calling me " The Year of the Bailout . "
16) " I hope I'm not legally responsible for any of that. "
17) " Wonder if I could get a mulligan ? "
18) " Ever have one of those years ? "
19) " Every time they mention me they will show that guy throwing a shoe at the president. "
20) " I feel like a Big Three C. E. O. "
21) " Baby New Years says he's not coming out till after Bush is gone. "
22) " Auld lang syne.....more like old age sigh ! "
23) " UNCLE !!!! "
24) " How can you have $ 4.50 and $ 1.50 gas in the same year ? "
25) " Yeah that was me. Sorry ! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Good stuff Joel. Several made the short list, one or two were in the last group cut.

With the passage of each year, Prosperity is what we want to hear, Well it's not happening this year, I took my best shot, I see you're crying in your beer. When we get greedy and don't help the downtrodden and the needy our 401-Ks, health insurance, environment, stock, businesses, etc. all go to pot. It's too late for me but you, my friend, can start all over again! My last advice Make Love not War and may 2008 Rest in PEACE!
Nancy Nelson

By the way, is it supposed to be God? The Grim Reaper? Or the year in general? I've got a few for each scenario:
God
The angel union went on strike yesterday.
They forclosed on heaven last week.
I'm having to outsource miracles to save money now.
Reaper
The scythe is my severance pay.
I don't like this new "green" reaper look.
Had to sell the cloak to afford rent.
General year
I looked like you in January.
Ever had a crowd count down to your death?
It's for the next group that asks for a bailout.
Yeah, I know who's behind me.
Grady, Greensboro
It was general year.

How long are people going to hate me?
I was going to retire December 31st, until my 401k tanked.
I can't believe my approval rating is lower the "W's!"
I can't even hide from Pam on the RU Sirius
I wonder if anybody will now that I am gone ...
It might have been a better year if I weren't in the bars every night
I wish I could party like it was 2007.
I want a do-over.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1-Hear this: I've had enough war and recession. I'm turning it over to the next sucker.
2-Some tough gig. In one year I went from a cute baby to a doddering old coot.
3-Let's toast this auld lang syne and Happy New Year stuff with your beer and my prune juice.
Max Harless, High Point

"I didn't think we would be doing this in Asheboro during my watch !"
Harold Sexton, Asheboro

"After a year like this, I deserve a drink!"
"I really screwed up, huh?"
"Darn, I didn't get the hang of the iphone either."
"If any mortgage brokers ask, you haven't seen me."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Good iPhone caption, but that was close to the New year's winner a year ago.
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

I'm hoping for a presidential pardon and a little bailout money.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

You're a lawyer, think I got an age discrimination case ?
Clear case of age discrimination !
What ever happened to age discrimination ?
Think my replacement will be a woman or minority ?
Can you believe 24/7 for 365 days and they got me for poor performance ?
What a waste of good spirits ?
Not even a pat on the back !
No pat on the back, just a kick in the caboose !
I'll need a good lawyer, IRS wants to talk !
I'm still warm, but you must be the Undertaker !
I'm still warm, and you already want to bury me !
You the Undertaker ?
Who you, the Undertaker ?
Let me guess, you the Undertaker ?
Here comes the Judge !
Just heard my replacement is a female or minority !
Said they wanted a female or minority for the job !
The times they are a'changing
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

You the Assistant Living Guy ? I got'em all on Assistant Living !
They're all coming to Assistant Living with me !
Wonder what Assistant Living will be like ?
Assistant Living isn't really too bad !
You need Assistant Living too ?
You might qualify for Assistant Living too !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
Is it "assistant living" or "assisted living?"

In retrospect, I shouldn't have taken last year off...
Stock market at 1997 levels, gas prices at 2004 levels, maybe I'll get hired again in four more years ...
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

30. I'm out of here!
31. My life's over!
32. Life stinks!
33. This job stucks the life right out of you!
(Tim have a good New Year , Maybe if I stick around I'll get a winner next year. Missed those comments last week)
Nancy Nelson
I hope you do both; stick around AND get a winner.

"It's been so bad even I can't wait to see me go."
"I'm thankful it's just a one year gig."
"I'd offer to buy you a drink but I sure I'd just mess it up."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Number one was one of my favorites

"You don't know how difficult it is using the 'john' while you're holding this scythe."
"When Dick Clark comes in here he still gets carded."
"I'll have to pawn my scythe to pay for this round."
"I don't care what they say, the BCS just ain't working."
"You don't know how difficult it is using the 'john' with this scythe on your back."
"If the economy doesn't pick up I'm going to start moonlighting as a calendar salesman."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

My 401K aged out too.
Jim Lawrence

1.) Any chance I could hide out at your place until the new year?
2.) Que sera sera. 3.) I will gladly pay you Thursday for a drink today.
4.) I can take the taunts but I don't like the farting in my general direction
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

At least gas prices are down.yay me.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Everything was going great until January 2nd, 2008
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

It was what it was.
Wish I'd sold my GM stock in '07.
I need a bailout.
Next time, hope I get an odd-numbered year.
Should have jumped on that WalMart greeter's gig.
Tom Harrison, Greensboro

34. Tim went on vacation and I'm stuck here another week!
35. The cartoonist went on vacation and I'm stuck here another week.
36. Hope 2009 can teach Tim how to tell time!
37. Tim(e) management is the key to a happy new year!
( Just having a little fun here,the JOY is on you, have a good vacation)
Nancy Nelson

"They offered early retirement in November but my 401K imploded and this kid is angling for my job."
ZhaK

"End of eight, glad it over, I'm Bushed"
Jessie Ramsey, Greensboro

"And I still don't know what credit default swaps are."
Hal Koger, McLeansville

Yup. Me too. Fired and replaced by someone a lot younger with a lot less experience.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Okay, so my name is Jordan Suzanna Frye and I am nine years old from Greensboro, NC. I have two entries. Okay..
"What the?! Baby food! I forgot i ain `t no baby 2008 anymore. Stupid 2009."
"Okay, so I know coffee is `posed to make you all energetic, But 2008 flew by THAT FAST!!! Should have ordered that drink you `re holding."
"Actually I kinda prefer the good old days when sickles didn't have so many buttons on the remote control."
Ms. Frances J. Gallon, Greensboro

"It only seems like yesterday"....
Colleen Bolejack, Whitsett

1.) The buck stops here.
2.) Sometimes it's not easy being a ceremonial figurehead.
3.) Ahhh,sweet oblivion here I come.
4.)It was a perfectly good year and they had to screw it up.
5.) I didn't do it.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

38. Do wah ditty, ditty dum ditty do!
39. No wonder you're jobless, you drink too much!
40. Here's hoping history doesn't repeat itself!
41. I can't believe I got all Ds and Fs on my report card this year!
42. I'm so depressed!
Nancy Nelson

1.) I bet this isn't as good as the elderberry wine those two old ladies offered me.
2.) It will be over 60 years before I can even get social security.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"They brought in some young guy.. says he's going to change everything."
Lyn Nieri, Summerfield
Nice!

I just don't understand why I didn't get a bail out, everyone else that ran things into the ground did".
Lyn Nieri, Summerfield

"All I needed is another 700 billion and I could of turned things around".
Lyn Nieri, Summerfield

"Ever get the feeling it just hasn't been your year?"
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

* "My New Year's Eve party has been cancelled!"
* "The new kid will age even faster!"
* ".. and it started off sooo well!!"
* "Things got so bad, they made me take early retirement!"
* "Things bad!?? I couldn't sell my sickle on EBay!"
* "Sales off, jobs down. Give me your glass!"
* "Time for a career change"
* "They just put the year in the "L" column for me!"
* "They have problem recruiting my replacement. The position is still open!"
* "To top it off, I lost everything in the Madoff Ponzi scheme!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
I liked the replacement one. Early retirement was good, too

Well, I may never retire, but at least gas is cheaper than Scotch now!
Dean Tribbett, Va Beach VA

"Dealing with last year, who needs a lot to drink?"
Ian Knight, Greensboro

1) Doesn't anyone care that we all have severe Progeria ?
2) That felt more like 2 years.
3) I can't wait to see VH1's " I Love 2008 " .
4) Talk about a bad year. Even pirates made a comeback.
5) Remember Hillary's 3 a.m. call ? Seems like I got one every night.
6) If you know what hits the fan, Bush better give me a pardon.
7) I was hoping to get Hillary's senate seat, but I'm not a Kennedy.
8) I can't believe we ran out of money on my watch.
9) The old man from last year never mentioned anything about a recession.
10) Apparently I'm not done until Rickard names a winner.
Deadpan
I like # 3, personally. And of course, #10.

"I used to drink beer, but by Super Tuesday, I was on the hard stuff."
Carl Niedziela, Pelham
nice

I'm actually looking forward to a good ol' dirt nap.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

THIS WEEK'S CONTEST
Hope you guys had a good Christmas.
Great stuff this week. A lot of good captions didn't realize it was the last wiseman talking or ignored the gadget the lead wiseman is carrying. Sadly, these things cost you points. But, lucky for us, they made our job easier editing captions down.
Just a side note, camel dung was a popular subject for this cartoon. Don't really have a point, I just wanted to see the words "camel dung" in print.

ALSO, sorry this is late getting posted and the fact that I didn't make any comments on entries this week. The holiday and all. Just wanted to say, though, that all our judges thought this was an exceptionally strong week. Lots of good entries.Pat yourself on the back. And if you don't hear from me till next week, have a happy new year!

WINNER
"Can you stop blogging? I'm sure someone will write about this later."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

RUNNERS-UP
"No, I don't want to be on his Facebook page."
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

"He's the son of God, of course he's gonna know it's been out of the box."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Really good. A coin toss between this and the winner.

You're ruining our reenactment Carl!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"The GPS says go through field and fountain, moor and mountain and follow yonder star."
Michael L. Creech, Springboro

"Are we there yet?"
Multiple entrants

"You fool, of course they'll be roaming minutes."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Hey, guys! Maybe GPS stands for "Gigantic Pointing Star."
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Google myrrh and find out what the heck it is!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE"Hey... could you text Tim Rickard & wish him Merry Christmas for me??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Merry Christmas to you, too, CC.

First satanic light bulbs and now this!
What does take exit 22 off I40 even MEAN?!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Let's see, we traveled 500 miles and the new tax is a penny a mile..."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Is that the R.U. Sirius, or a star? I can't read this thing without my glasses.
Your friend Bucky

OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Some people who know their Bible.
That child will be two years old before we even get there!
Nancy Nelson

That kid will be 2 years old before that thing gets us to him!
Bryan Tribbett

will b there by Epiphany
Joan Lux Greensboro

A bomb?! Why are we giving him a Bomb?!
(monty python) Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I'm ashamed to say, I'm not familiar with this Monty Python quote.
From "The Life of Brian" I assume?

And the date change …Did you remember to change the date from B.C to A.D.?!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"The date on my watch just went back to zero!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

And of course, a cartoon reference ...
I told you we took a wrong turn in Albuquerque!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

MATURE
Nothing really fits, here. Except maybe the numerous references to camel dung.

BEST POEM
Three wise men, bringing gifts from afar,
couldn't find baby Jesus by following the shining bright star,
so they got off their camels and tried getting directions from their i-phone,
when that failed they ended up in the desert all alone!
Nancy Nelson

THE REST
"If you keep dressing like that, they're going to haul you off and put you in a home!"
Mike Creech, Dayton, Ohio

"For the last time, forget the map and look up!"
John E. Truitt, Greensboro

1.)Take thee a right at the next dune in 300 cubits.
2.)Takest thou a right at the next dune in 300 cubits.
3.)Why do I always get stuck with the myrrh?
4.)Why do you always get to give the gold?
5.) It just keeps saying look up !
6.)Why does it keep saying recalculating route?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

traveling on faith
even fog cant dim it
need GPS sistum b4 next uh . . . Christmas
wont b home 4 corned beef queenie
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1.) You're ruining our reenactment Carl!
2.) These frankincense fumes are making me dizzy back here!
3.) I prefer the Onstar system.
4.)I keep telling you that's a gameboy not a GPS.
5.) I can't believe you traded good myrrh for that thing!
6.) I really don't think we need that thing.
7.) Call me old fashioned but this just seems wrong!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Hey... could you text Tim Rickard & wish him Merry Christmas for me??"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

I prefer under star over Onstar
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1. Gaspar just follow the star!
2. That thing better be made out of gold!
3. Who are you texting now!
4. Wouldn't it be wiser to ask for directions?!
5. A wiseman once said...!
6. That child will be two years old before we even get there!
7. Enough already!
8. It's about time you decided to get directions!
9. Shouldn't we be riding those camels!
10. Why is this child so important anyway?!
11. Are we there yet!
12. Don't answer that it might be the King!

I knew this GPS would come in handy.
I'm texting the wife that we're there.
We R on frewy tking ramp to Bhem. Got gfts. Str stil brite.
Ken Layton, Carthage

o gr8 allergic to myrrh
sand in my sandles
found 2 at palm tree - will work 4 frankincense and myrrh
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"TRY THE OTHER WEBSITE: "www.wethreekings.com".
"C'MON NOW! "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME"
"FORGET THE EMAIL. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THE STAR"
Alex Potter, Greensboro

sand in my sandals
will b there by Epiphany
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"C'MON NOW! "WE CAN'T BE LATE"
Alex Potter, Greensboro

After 400 yards, turn right. Then- keep right...keep right...keep right.
I told you to charge the Tom-Tom before we left.
Just punch in the address for the manger, it should take us right to it.
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

"I thought it said to turn right at the FIRST camel, not the second....."
Wil Courter, Greensboro

Who's the daddy ?
It's probably not programmed for AD !
Probably not AD ready !
Yule need an AD converter !
Warranty good only for BC !
It's leading us astray !
Eyes right !
To the right, march !
Our wives again !
Tell Elvis to join us !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

* "You just couldn't trust the star, could you?"
* "Okay, enough, wise guy!"
* "I'm sick of hearing that DVD player on every trip!"
* Wii Three Kings
* "I'm telling you, the movie's not out yet."
Don Byers, Greensboro

Oh goody, I found the PERFECT gift!
Alex Burke, Summerfield

1.) I think it needs more specifics than just manger in Bethlehem.
2.) If you hadn't wrecked our camel looking at that thing we would already be there!
3.Methinks the camel did not care for your attempt to recharge the GPS.
4.)I think this GPS will work better when they launch some satellites.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Get the Frankincense before we leave", I told you.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"PUT THAT AWAY. WE'VE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO!"
ALEX POTTER, GREENSBORO
And they came from a far, bringing Gold, Frankincense and Mio.
Skye Dalrymple, High Point

"It's an Ipod. Kids these day just don't appreciate myrhh"
Eric Olmedo, Jamestown

"C'mon...you guys said I could give him the PSP!"
Scott Linham, Greensboro

13. The Game Boy's batteries will be dead before Jesus Christ even gets it!
14. What was that wise crack about me getting us lost?!
15. Guys let's just follow the camels!
16. Is AAA coming anytime soon?
( Another ditty)Three wise men, bringing gifts from afar, couldn't find baby Jesus by following the shining bright star, so they got off their camels and tried getting directions from their i-phone, when that failed they ended up in the desert all alone!
Nancy Nelson

Mary said, "where did you ever find three WISE MEN?"
Dick Ellis, PLeasant Garden

"I'm telling you guys, this GPS is GOLD!"
"We three kings are orienteering..."
"The GPS says go through follow field and fountain, moor and mountain and follow yonder star."
"Okay Wise-guy, which direction does your frankincense say to go?"
Mike Creech, Dayton, Ohio

"In point two miles turn right and follow the star."
Hal Koger, McLeansville

TXT GLD FRNKNSNS & MYR.
Christian Pike, Siler City

AYDY?????????? (are you done yet)
Christian Pike, Siler City

I'm not WITH Frank 'n Murray!
Not Frank and Murray -- frankincense and myrrh.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"A Gameboy for a baby, you should've got the Tickle Me Moses."
"That gps is screwy, we should've made a left at Albuquerque!"
"Google myrrh and find out what the heck it is!"
"Ask jeeves why we walked and didn't ride those camels."
"An xbox 360 - we agreed to keep it under two drachmas!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1.) It has to recalculate the route every time there is a sand storm?!
2)Turn right at the camel?! A camel is not stationary!!
3.)So we just blindly trust this Steve Jobs in his itimetravel machine?!
4.)Beware of nerds bearing gifts!
5,)There is too much camel congestion on this route!
6.)The infernal machine has led me into camel dung again!
7.)You want me to LIE and tell everyone we followed a star?!
8.)A bomb?! Why are we giving him a Bomb?!(monty python)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. Garmin says to make a right at the Camel.
2 I knew we should have gotten a map from AAA
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden.

1. Your wife wants to know who took her Frankincense & Myrrh and gold?
2. Your wife said, "don't forget the milk and bread."
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"We've past this star three times now...would you please stop and ask for directions!!"
Ethan C. Greensboro
(1). "Are we there yet?"
(2). " I'm not wearing underpants; he,he,he.".
Erny Karoly, Jamestown

1.) What do you mean "nothing much"? Tell them to call back later!
2.) I believe the hymn says SILENT night!
3.) I can't believe you traded the little drummer boy for itunes!
4.)I still say beware of geeks bearing gifts!
5.)Try looking up manger under points of interest already!
6.)These K&W lines are getting way too long!
7.)I can't believe we both brought myrrh!
8.)Look up local resturants.I could kill for a lamb kebob!
9.)It says the weather will be hot and dry?What a USEFUL device!
10.)First satanic light bulbs and now this!
11.) What does take exit 22 off I40 even MEAN?!
12.) AC/DC is not appropriate music for tonight!
13.)Stop getting sand in my GPS!
14.)Where do we recharge it MR.WISEMAN?!
15.) You better not be texting about me and my myrrh!
16.)You two could really use a little fragrant balm if you get my drift!
17.)I told you to buy the extended warranty!
18.)Text them that we are running late due to a camel pileup.
19.)I don't know how many cubits are in a mile!
20.) Can you hear them now?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1) "All I get is that "Little Drummer Boy!"
2) "I'm Dis-Oriented!"
3) "It keeps saying Go East!"
4) "Believe Me! This is the start of something Big!"
5) "How do you spell Myrrh?"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1)? "Hello-o-o...we're supposed to be?following ?'yon star' not OnStar!"
2)???"I already told you, we don't need your GPS---the star's right there!"
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

I said we're going to meet the son of God, not bring your Ipod!!
Joe Tripp, Greensboro

Is that the R.U. Sirius, or a star? I can't read this thing without my glasses.
Your friend Bucky
Rockit on Rockiteers!

1.) I told you we took a wrong turn in Albuquerque!
2.) I prefer under star to your ONSTAR !
3.) We're lost and my tuna casserole is ice cold! I need to stop and buy some myrrh or something!
4.) I told you to just follow the little boy with the drum!!
5.) For crying out loud!! JUST LOOK UP!!
6.)How many holy mangers can there be in Bethlehem?!
7.) We're running late! Get the myrrh out fellas!
8.) I told you the Moses brand of GPS was a BAD CHOICE!!!!
9.) I told you that a GPS invented by Moses was a bad choice!!
10.)We're lost,my feet hurt,my beard itches,my sinuses are acting up......
11.) I think I heard a baby crying 300 cubits to the right
12.) If we get there on time it will be a miracle!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (Hmmm,I wonder if Mom would like a little myrrh for Christmas)

W.W.J.D?
Darn GPS, I'm always getting lost.
Marcia Minsky, LosCon

Lost again with your China made GPS.
Hurry up my Muir is drying up.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

* "Wii.three kings.of or-i-ent arrreee."
Don Byers, Greensboro

* "Give it a minute to recalculate."
* "It has to lock in on the satellite first."
* "I TOLD you it said 'turn right at the stable.'"
* "'Trust me. I can find our way back,' you said."
* "I'd feel a lot wiser if your batteries weren't running low."
Don Byers, Greensboro

"We're lucky, usually those myrrh dealers are closed by now."
"I told you that Baby Floyd wasn't the Savior."
"See if they have WiFi."
"Let's see, we traveled 500 miles and the new tax is a penny a mile..."
"You fool, of course they'll be roaming minutes."
"Yeah, it's the next left but I don't think we can get over."
"Hah, you missed. How about J-8?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1) Heck with that thing! I told you we should have stopped and asked directions!
2) Game Boy, frankincense & myrrh just doesn't have the same ring to it !
3) I don't care what that thing says, we follow the star!
4) DANG IT! If that thing directs me thru one more pile of camel dung.......!
5) That kid will be 2 years old before that thing gets us to him!
6) No! Not 1654 Manger Rd, BECKINGHAM! You idiot!
7) No service again! I told you to go with those other guys!
8) Call that fat guy in the red suit! He'll know how to get there!
9) Give me that thing and we'll see if it can direct my foot to your ...!
10) Are we there yet??
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

"Is that big star interfering with our GPS?"
Brenda Rambach, Greensboro

1.) Remember to tell them that's from all three of us!
2.) 2.) You're going to pay those roaming charges pal!
3.) 3.) Why don't you look up anachronism in wikipedia while you're at it!
4.) 4.)Text them that we are running late.Our camel had a dry hump!
5.) Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Can you stop blogging? I'm sure someone will write about this later."
"I don't care if it says to turn left, we should follow the star!"
"Between your GPS and that star, how can we possibly be lost?"
"Enough with the GPS already; just follow the star!"
"Don't tell me we're lost again!"
"And they came bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and an Ipod."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

Garmin says to make a right at the next Camel.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"It says, "RECALCULATING"
Cookie Bobko, Oak Ridge

1. "Can't you just use the STAR like the rest of us?"
2. "No, I don't want to be on his Facebook page."
3. "We have one star and you bought that."
4. "Just where would you like me to plug it in?"
5. "We could have bought 3 camels for less."
6. "Having that doesn't make you any wiser."
7. "If you play that song one more time."
8. "You traded our camels for THAT."
9. "What do you mean no signal?"
10. "I can't believe you traded the myrrh for that."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

"Besides electronics, little has changed in over 2000 years."
Michael L. Creech, Springboro, OH

1) Great! Right in the middle of Silent Night, you get a phone call!
2) Text him again! That is defiantly a comet, not a star!
3) If that's Herald Angel again, tell him I'm starting to get pissed!
4) Call the shepherds for directions, I'll bet they're there already!
5) Some wise men we are! We can't even find that manger with a friggin GPS!
6) What do you mean "there's no listing for Bethlehem!"
7) Look, I don't care if it is cool technology! WE ALREADY KNOW HOW TO GET THERE!!!
Bryan Tribbett

no, your not the wisest!!!!
Linda Burnette, Gibsonville

* "We're going in circles. Chuck that thing and just follow the star!"
* "Chief, didn't we just pass that camel on the dune?"
* "Trading your gold for that gadget was a big mistake!!
* "Order lunch! I'm hungry!"
* "Call a camel. I'm tired of walking!"
* "It's so peaceful here in the Middle East. I hope it lasts!"
* "Let's switch. The gas is killing me back here!"
* "Check the gold market to see if our sell order went through!"
* "Can you play something besides "Twinkle, twinkle, little star?!"
* "Pay attention! You just marched us in a patch of fresh camel dung!"
* "Download a marching tune like Sousa's Stars and Stripes Forever!"
* "We're getting close. Start playing Handel "Messiah!"
Dennis LaJeunesse

1.) If you keep squinting at that screen you'll go cross eyed!
2.) 2.) I hear this place only has a one star rating!
3.) 3.)No,we don't have time to stop by Sodom and Gomorrah!
4.) 4.) An apple was also used to lead Eve astray!
5.) 5.) You shouldn't have ditched him! He may not be wise but he's still my brother!
6.) 6.) I prefer the celestial global positioning system!
7.) 7.)Did you remember to change the date from B.C to A.D.?!
8.) 8.)What a bummer for the kid to have his birthday on Christmas!
9.) 9.)Did you remember to remove the price tag?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"You don't need the GPS, the star is right there."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

1. "Why do you keep calling us your Network?"
2. "I thought we agreed not to bring a gift from another millennium."
3. "I won't ask you what ‘text messaging' is if you don't ask me to explain ‘frankincense'."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

16. GPS does not stand for Gobal Positioning Star.
17. This a Hallmark Moment!
18. Take a picture, it will last longer!
19. He's definitely not from the Orient!
20. If that's a bIackberry, is it edible?!
21. What planet is he from!
22. I hope that's tidings of good cheer!
23. We traveled from a far but I think he must have traveled much further!
24. What is that incessant ringing in my ear?
25. I told you we could travel to the past in that time machine!
26. We're in a time warp!
27. I told him to leave that gizmo in the time machine!
27. We're doomed, that gadget will change our future!
28. We're almost there, is he beaming us up?!
Nancy Nelson

"You've tried enough of your contacts...let's just go with gold & myrrh."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1) " The date on my watch just went back to zero !! "
2) " What do you mean the date just disappeared ? "
3) " What do you mean the date on your Blackberry just disappeared ? "
4) " That's just great !!! What happened to our $20.00 limit ? "
5) " What happened to our $20.00 limit ? "
6) " You know real wise men would be riding those camels . "
7) " Can I check my E-mail ? "
8) " Is that a Gameboy? He's really gonna love the myrrh now !!! "
9) " See if that GPS can tell you where my foot is in about a second!! "
10) " He is SOOOO gonna re-gift the myrrh and frankincense now . "
11) " I knew I should have gotten him a gift card . "
12) " You know with that GPS system we could travel by daylight . "
13) " Ohhh great !! I might as well have gotten him a fruitcake . "
14) " Put that GPS away. It's not like there's a lot of traffic out here."
15) " See if you can find the video of that guy throwing a shoe at thepresident. "
16) " The cashier wished me a Merry Christmas...any idea what she meant ?"
17) " Look up my horoscope for me . "
18) " He doesn't need a Gameboy, he needs a U-Haul !! "
19) " He's the son of God....of course he's gonna know it's been out of the box. "
20) " All that money for a Gameboy and he's more likely to play with the box it came in. "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

1. "You said it was my turn after we passed the last camel!"
2. "NO, you can't change it to I-phone, Frankincense and Myrrh just because it's Wikipedia."
Eric Grimm

" OK, Mel, So what's happening in the stock market, today?"
Nancy King, High Point

29. Don't answer that, it could be King Herod!
30. It's a star of wonder and beauty bright!
31. He's just being a wise guy!
Nancy Nelson

Alright, wish one of you had the tacos?
Can't you wait and play Solitare when we get home?
You programmed the GPS to find the west star, you idiot.
Wait, I got sand in my shoes again.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

32. He's being paged again, what's the emergency now?!
33. The ER is paging him again!
Nancy Nelson

"Ask him if he means Wednesday noon Our time or his time."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Ask if they can put anchovies on third."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Ask if it's free if it's not here in 30 minutes!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"If you're going to keep playing that game, at least turn off that annoying sound!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I can't figure this darn thing out, I say we ask one of the camels."
"Rats, looks like there's no room in the Bethlehem Hilton either."
"I wish this GPS device could spot camel droppings."
"I still say we should give a HDTV, the Manger still has rabbit ears and February will be here before you know it."
"I still say we should give a HDTV, I hear the Manger still has rabbit ears."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Need entries by noon WEDNESDAY!
And to answer your question, what does the lead Wiseman have? iphone? blackberry? GPS? Gameboy? You decide.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER
"All dressed up and no place to go." An amusing entry for last week's cartoon, right? Until you read that line a dozen times, then it seems less so. That sums up why your good caption didn't make the cut, and other, more bizarre ones, do.
Good stuff, though. A lot of nice entries had to be cut. See the blog. Also, some new names this time.
And to those who wished me a merry Christmas, likewise to you. To those of you who didn't: bah humbug!
By the way, just curious - how many variations did we get on the "All dressed up and no place to go" theme? (I got at least one more by snail mail) Anyone care to count?

WINNER
"Didn't you wear that last year?"
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
Did I ever tell you I'm Jewish?
Annie S. Greensboro

"So when did you get back from Mardi Gras?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Personally, I prefer the natural look."
Carl Niedziela, Pelham

"There's a lot of that going around this time of year."
Ed Deckert, Summerfield

"The invitation said casual dress!"
Kay Watterson

You're always over accessorizing!
Angela Roberts, Jamestown

"In the tree world we call this ‘going commando.'"
Don Byers

"Are you sure this was your first time playing poker?"
Kevin Little

I hope this is just a phase you're going thru!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Are those some of Tim Rickard's new twisty bulbs?
Julia Johnson, Reidsville

Better this than a Sunday circular in the News and Record.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Whoa,yellow ,blue and orange! I hope they don't let Mr.Rickard decorate the family tree.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Nope. My wife won't let me.

"I'm so desperate I'll even take last week's freaky light bulb."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
When he goes for your ornaments Cindy Lou Who will slap the cuffs on him.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I practice Festivis!. Want to branch wrestle?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Oh, how lovely are your branches!"
Ian Knight, Greensboro
you know ... like the song ...

"Since I've housing a squirrel I'm pretty sure Clark Griswold will take me this year."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
What you all spruced up for ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

MATURE
See if you can spot a theme.
"Your balls are showing"
John LaFave

It takes a lot a ball to do something like that
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

2) Um, shouldn't your balls be lower? (sorry)
4) Cheer up, in olden days it was animal gentiles
20) Um, what's with the blueballs??
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

Nice balls.
Scott H. Douglas

BEST POEM
T'was the night before Christmas and in our small home,
Me and Grandma were there all alone.
When all at once there arose such a clatter,
I thought Grandma was snoring, so I threw my shoe at her.
I sprang to the window as fast as I could,
Five minutes later there I stood.
What to my watering eyes should appear?-nothing my glasses were still in my chair.
I could not see Him but i heard him say,
Merry Christmas Old Folks on this great day.
You may be young or you may be old,
and no matter what you have been told,
there is one thing I know to be true,
old Santa loves both me and you.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

Star light, star bright, first star I've seen to night, I wish I may, I wish might, I'm not getting any sleep tonight You do know after Christmas is over your branches will be stripped bare of those fancy baubles and beads and it'll be lights out and then I'll be so pleased!
Nancy Nelson

THE REST
1.)Well,aren't you the extra fancy special one!
2.) You're just asking to get beat up !
3.) It takes a lot a ball to do something like that!
4.)You're lucky! You could have a severed trunk sitting in a vat of dirty water!
5.)Tis the season.
6.) Bet you didn't see that coming.
7.) Some of your balls are bunched a little too close together.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Good stuff as usual, Tim. Just nothing in particular stood out with our judges.

"All dressed up, and no where to go."
Steve & Hilda Martin, Mayodan
The first with this caption, but not the last by a long shot.

l. Wow!
2. Please turn off those lights, I can't sleep!
3. You light up my life!
4. You're the light of my life!
5. Pride goes before a fall!
6. I guess you won't be going anywhere this year!
7. All dressed up and no place to go!
8. That can't be good for the environment or our economy!
9. You are so beautiful to me!
10. You're the BOMB!
11. You're such a hottie!
12. You're grounded!
13. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!
14. You look ridiculous!
15. Are you leaving me?
Nancy Nelson

"Your balls are showing"
John LaFave

"I told you I have nothing to wear"
Julie Southall, Greensboro
Nice

1) To much "bling" you say!
2) That direction of those stripes make you look fat!
3) Trying to stand out again, I see !
4) What did I tell you about those balls?
5) Less is more!
Catherine Duke, Kernersville
Flirting with good stuff here, especially the "bling" one. Would have liked to have seen it re-worded.

I know it's the latest, but it makes you look fat.
Ken Layton, Carthage

"I thought I would try a more 'Jennifer Aniston' look for this year."
Jay Moore, Jamestown
Good, topical joke

1) "Feeling a little overdressed, are we?"
2) "I thought the invitation said 'casual dress'."
Dorothy Lanier, Pleasant Garden
A toss up with the runner-up, which got picked because it was a wee-bit shorter.

1. "Late night?"
2. "You should get that looked"
3. "Where did you go?"
4. "Didn't you wear that last year?"
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
good stuff

"OOPS!!! I forgot my skirt!"
Carol Masters, Colfax

Where's the Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh ?
Heard the gold, frankincense, and myrrh are on the way !
Oops ! No presents !
It's the economy ! ( No Gifts )
Where's the Partridge ?
Somethings missing !
( No presents )
Something's not present here !
Hope they know only six shopping days left !
( N0 presents )
Only six shopping days left !
( No presents )
You need some underwear !
( Presents )
You'd look better with some undies !
( Presents )
Don't you feel a little barefoot ?
( No presents )
You're having a good star day !
Is that the Star of David or Star of Bethlehem ?
Santa will bring you some undies !
( Presents )
Wow ! Let's step under the mistletoe !
You look barefoot without them !
( Presents )
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

But today is dress-down Friday.
Tom Sandin, Greensboro
"Casual" is a better term, I think.

1. "Aren't a little over dressed for the occasion?"
2. "Your balls are showing."
3. "Are those compact fluorescents?"
4. "Show off."
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
I like "Show off"

DRESSED UP. NO PLACE TO GO
N. D. REDMON, EDEN

"Psst, your garland slipped and your trunk is showing!"
"The invitation said casual dress!"
"The invitation said casual dress!"
Kay Watterson, Browns Summit

All dressed up and no where to go!
Sandra Lindsay-Hardge, Greensboro

"Does this garland make my hips look fat?"
Hayleigh Carroll, Greensboro

If you're an Angel Tree, where's the gifts ?
Where's the presents, Angel Tree ?
Missing something, Angel Tree ?
( Presents )
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" How richly god has decked thee ! "
You are all decked out !
Why are you all decked out ?
All decked and no place to go !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"No sweetie, that outfit doesn't make your trunk look too big."
Kevin Miller

"Showoff".
Evelyn, Browns Summit
Showoff is good, just at least two others had the same caption.

16. Traitor!
17. I know how you feel, they did that to me last year!
18. We were born to be free!
19. Burn baby Burn!
20. Better you than me!
21. Uh, I notice you've gained a little weight!
22. All eyes are on you!
23. This is not the way to get my attention!
24. You have my attention!
25. You're such not a Plain Jane now.
26. I like your makeover!
27. Twinkle, twinkle you have a star!
28. Matchmaker has definitely made a mistake!
29. Opposites do attract!
Nancy Nelson
I liked "traitor", our other judges not so much.

" I must have missed the memo about formal attire!"
Pam Simpson, Oak Ridge

[musical notes]
"It's raining, it's snowing,
All your wires are showing."
All dressed up and nowhere to go.
Uh-oh -- they just let Fido out.
Nice outfit -- did it come out of an attic?
Joan Lux, Greensboro,
The last one was one of the last cut from runners-up. We liked the cattiness of it.

If that's what I have to do to come out, I'm stayin in!
If you think that's bad, just wait till they come back and chop you down!
Honey, can I just go to the party as a Pine?
Les, Sterling, Va.
I liked the last one

1.) No dear, I don't think those ornaments make you look fat.
2.)That should do wonders for your self confidence!
3.)Anything happen while I was asleep?
4.)You look FAAAAABULOUS!
5.) That reformed Grinch is out of control !
6.)Nice job Grinch bait.
7.) When he goes for your ornaments Cindy Lou Who will slap the cuffs on him.
8.) You clean up real nice fella!
9.) I'm feeling pretty insecure about my looks right now.
10.)Thanks for making me look bad, jerk.
11.)Oooooh,pretty!
12.)How you managed that by yourself I'll never know.
13.)Oh look,they're coming back with the cutest little hatchet!
14.)Want me to do your back?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Never mix dots with stripes."
"All dressed up and nowhere to go"
"Do you feel all important with a star on your crown?"
"Your garland is dropping"
"It's too late; they already made eye-contact with you."
"You're all spruced up!"
You're pining to be taken home, aren't you?
"Rogaine won't help prevent needle drop"
"Those decorations don't make you look fat."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Your trunk is showing."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Hey Baby, Nice Bulbs!"
Brian Smith, Madison

Are those some of Tim Rickard's new twisty bulbs?
Julia, Reidsville

What you all spruced up for ?
Who you all spruced up for ?
You sure are spruced up !
You going to Church or something ?
Is that fragrance Timberline ?
What's that fragrance, Timberline ?
You clean up pretty good !
Wished I could look like you !
Hey, Hollywood !
Today a Christmas Tree, Tomorrow a Crappie Bed
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

30. Glory, glory hallalujah!
31. You are my shining star!
32. Tis the season to be jolly!
33. Are you my present?
34. Santa thank you, thank you, thank you!
35. Try to be thankful and least you weren't cut!
36. Something smells like it's burning!
37. Stop flickering, you're bringing attention my way!
38. You're not exactly going green!
39. Better hope that dog doesn't do his business on you!
40. I'm shocked at your appearance!
Nancy Nelson

Your slip is showing.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"Hey, your zipper is open"
Shelly Brown-Jeffy

Nothing artificial bout you !
Going indoors is a dead end !
Glad you didn't get a root canal !
Keep out, if you know what's good for you !
Staying outside, staying outside, is staying alive !
Staying alive ! Staying alive ! Outside !
Next year is my turn !
My turn next year !
It's fun taking turns each year !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Decided to come out of the closet, eh?"
Pete Dey, Greensboro

"mom always liked you best"
Jack Campbell, Greensboro
I was surprised how many of this response we got

1. You're always over accessorizing!
2. No, I will not turn you on.
Angela Roberts, Jamestown

We've had some complaints and your Chapel Hill gig was canceled.
Kemp Loy, Burlington
NICE! Too "inside" though.

1) Uh, probably not a wise outfit for this time of year.
2) Um, shouldn't your balls be lower? (sorry)
3) The other trees are starting to talk.
4) Cheer up, in olden days it was animal gentiles
5) Would you mind not standing so close?
6) That's the last time you go out drinking with the boys.
7) A little flashy, but kinda sexy too.
8) That'll teach you to make fun of the forest elves!
9) WHOA! Liberachi would be proud!
10) Next time you should scream right when they go to put the star on.
11) You should've bitten them!
12) Dude! You really look gay!
13) Never make a bet with a fat guy in a red suit.
14) Look on the bright side, at least you're not in someone's living room.
15) Uh, you might want to look in a mirror.
16) I can still see your bald spot in the rear.
17) If I were you I would leak sap on all their packages Christmas morning.
18) Well, the blue brings out your eyes, but the stars a little much.
19) I had a nightmare like this once.
20) Um, what's with the blueballs??
21) Better you than me buddy!
22) WHOA!
23) Dude, is that a candy cane stuck in your .....??
24) And just what have you learned from all this???
25) At times like this, I'm glad I'm Jewish.
26) You faired much better than the mistletoe!
27) Would I get slapped if I wished you a Merry Christmas?
28) I hope this is just a phase you're going thru!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.
And to think, this week you outdid your brother. Quit a feat.

"Look on the bright side, most of the time this happens postmortem."
"I warned you about falling asleep at a slumber party."
"Don't worry. It usually clears up by New Year's."
"I sure hope you're not contagious."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Those last two were really strong. Barely missed the cut

"All dressed up and nowhere to go again, huh?"
John E. Truitt, Greensboro,

1.)You do know it's March don't you?
2.) Dude,that was hard to watch!
3.)Those stripes make you look fat.
4.)It was like a car wreck.I just couldn't look away!
5.)Well shiver my timber.
6.)You really SHOWED them who's boss!
7.) That %$#*&*% Martha Stewart is outta control!!
8.)Tell me again how no one would ever degrade YOU like that!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Do you really think you will get into the Biltmore house free dressed like that?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro.

No honey-All the bling on that outfit doesn't make you look fat.
Aren't you ready yet? If we don't hurry all we'll find at Frosty's will be a top hat.
Danielle Carden, Greensboro

Plug it in ! Plug it in !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1) Here comes the cat, good luck!
2) Don't mean to needle you, but you look like a gum ball machine!
3) Hey if I stick a quarter in you do I get a gum ball?
Dean Tribbett, Virginia Beach, Va.

1.) At least your head isn't stuck up a little angel's ass.(keister?)
2.)They covered up your thin spot very nicely!
3.)I can't believe that dog did that after all that work!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

I'm going green over you, envy green !
I'm going green because of you, envy green !
I'm turning envy green !
Me ! Envy Green ! Never !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"So, what's with the party dress?"
Charles Cameron, Greensboro

Actually I WAS going to go to "Papa" Tim's Christmas party, but I don't have a thing to wear.
Bucky
Hi, Marcia! Oh, and Bucky! (Congrats on the costume contest)

"Office Christmas party?"
"What's with all the body piercing?"
"Excuse me...are you a Christmas tree or a Winter Holiday tree?"
"Weren't you in the Wizard of Oz? It's Judy, right?"
"I don't get lit. I'm a teetotaler."
Kris Voy, Trinity

"ooh you got the measles, better stay away from me."
Ted Watkins, Liberty

"That disguise won't fool anyone."
"Look natural, here comes the guy with the chainsaw."
"O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, your leaves are so unchanging..."
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, your decorations are so fakey..."
"All dressed up and no place to go!"
"When they bring the saw, don't look down, whatever you do, don't look down!"
"I think you're overdressed for the tree lot."
"I take you Greeny, to be my wedded wife..."
"Hold that sneeze, see what it did to me?"
"Sorry, but they won't stay on when they drag you in the house."
Rob Black, High Point
The hold the sneeze one was great! THE last cut from the runners-up.

1.)You're not contagious are you?
2.) Show off !
3.)Wow,I'm feeling alot better about my termites and dry rot now!
4.) Colorblind people really shouldn't trim trees.
5.)You're the talk of the forest!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"This is the south, you may look like that all year."
"Halloween's over, why are you dressed as Liberace?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Are you sure this was your first time playing poker?"
"This year, my emphasis is on inner beauty."
"It's my commentary on the crass commercialism of Christmas. That, and they ran out of extension cords."
"I'm saving myself for Arbor Day."
"Mom always liked you best!"
Kevin Little

"I thought we were going casual tonight."
"So when did you get back from Mardi Gras?"
"You know, fixed up like that, your branches are kinda' lovely."
"I know I'm plain, but you don't have to needle me."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
# one was good too.

Did I ever tell you I'm Jewish?
Annie S., Greensboro
Well, you're all dressed up with no place to go!
Tom Shelmerdine, Greensboro

"...Uh... Ya left yer lights on!"
S.French

"So much for being an evergreen."
Phil Valla, Greensboro

1) " Your barn door is open...made you look ! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Welcome back, Joel. We missed you. The competition's fierce these days. Joining back in?

41. Bah, humbug!
42. Showoff!
43. Glamour Girl!
44. I prefer snow covered branches!
45. Watt happened to you! 4
6. I dare you to flash that dog over there!
47. I prefer au natural!
48. Forget Rudolph, Santa needs you!
49. Another Flasher!
50. You're dressed to impress!
51. The JOY is back!
52. JOY to the world!
53. PEACE, please!
54. You do know those things kill!
55. Good Grief!!
56. Some trees'll do anything during a recession!
57. Ho, ho, ho!
58. Merry Christmas!
59. Season's Greetings!
(Another ditty)Star light, star bright, first star I've seen to night, I wish I may, I wish might, I'm not getting any sleep tonight You do know after Christmas is over your branches will be stripped bare of those fancy baubles and beads and it'll be lights out and then I'll be so pleased!
Nancy Nelson

1.) My elves just bake cookies.
2.) Better this than a Sunday circular in the News and Record.
3.) I hear that cures itself in January.
4.) I know they itch but stop scratching them.
5.) I'm a tinsel kind of tree myself .
6.) You trees with OCD can't stand crooked ornaments can ya?
7.) Don't you just hate those drive by trimmings?
8.) Leaving you like that all year is just soooo tacky.
9.)Wait until you see what they put on your head.
10.) I wish you could see yourself in a mirror.
11.)Looks like you've got a christmas elf infestation.
12.) It's not the color scheme I would have chosen but to each his own.
13.) No, No you look fine,really.
14.)Whoa, yellow ,blue and orange! I hope they don't let Mr.Rickard decorate the family tree.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1. "The admiration only last a few weeks. After all the gifts are opened the lights and glitter are removed and you're placed by the curb like a piece of garbage. "
2. "They ooh and aah now, but wait until you start dropping needles."
3. "I thought you said you were Jewish."
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, Fla.
Jewish was good, but you were beat to the punch. twice.

"I decided to go green this year."
"Will you come back and tell me if there's really a Santa Claus?"
"On Christmas morning, you'll really have some presents about you."
"I came into the world this way, and I'm leaving this way."
"If God meant for me to have balls on my branches, He would have given them to me."
"The holiday season always leaves me feeling a little empty."
"Big plans at the landfill for the New Year?"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Liked that first one. Simple

"Some people have it....some people don't"
Nick Voy, Trinity

"Why does everyone HATE me?"
Lindsay Voy, Trinity

" I see you have jewels to go with your fir"
Eric Olmedo, Jamestown

* "Looks like someone has turned you on!"
* "Who trimmed your tree?!
* "I little too gaudy don't you think!"
* "Nice, but I am politically correct!"
* "It's pretty but on the 26th we will all be on the curb!"
* "I practice Festivis!. Want to branch wrestle?"
* "Nice set of ornaments!"
* "Careful. Those are cheap lights drawn on you. One short and you are up in flames!"
* "The lights allow me to see your bare branches!"
* "It was Frosty's magic from last week's cartoon!"
* "All decked out and nowhere to go!"
* "They dumped egg nog into the water tray and decorated while you slept!"
* "Next they cut you down and display you in town hall"
* "It was the Grinch!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. Your tinsel is showing.
2. All dressed up with no place to go.
3. What happened to your shoes?
4. You've got a skinny leg.
5. You wore the same outfit last year.
6. Yes, that outfit does make you look fat.
7. You dropped the ball again.
Marry Christmas!
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"There's a lot of that going around this time of year."
Ed Deckert, Summerfield, NC

Plug'er in, plug'er in !
Oh Tannenbaum ~ Oh Tannenbaum
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Didn't go green...Evergreen !
Cynthia Shores, Ramseur, NC

Yule beautiful !
It's not easy standing on one leg !
Yule got Tinselitus again !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

T'was the night before Christmas and in our small home,
Me and Grandma were there all alone.
When all at once there arose such a clatter,
I thought Grandma was snoring, so I threw my shoe at her.
I sprang to the window as fast as I could,
Five minutes later there I stood.
What to my watering eyes should appear?-nothing my glasses were still in my chair.
I could not see Him but i heard him say,
Merry Christmas Old Folks on this great day.
You may be young or you may be old,
and no matter what you have been told,
there is one thing I know to be true,
old Santa loves both me and you.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1) Hey, your zipper is undone.
2) Nice balls.
Scott H. Douglas

60. You're showing your true colors!
Nancy Nelson

1) "A bit gaudy, don't you think?"
2) "You're the lights of my life!"
3) "So what are you doing NewYears Eve?"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

"I still can't believe they picked you to be on MTV's 'Pimp My Tree'!"
Scott Linham, Greensboro

"Move along lady, this ain't that kind of neighborhood."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.)Just grin and bear it.Our plan for worldwide domination is almost complete.
2.) Pretty festive pine cones ya got there neighbor.
3.) I know some aren't evenly spaced but you need to let it go.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Number 3 came closest to being included by our judges

"Oh my gosh Madge, you're not wearing a skirt."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "Here comes someone with a hacksaw - run!"
2. "It's always about you."
3. "I think you have to actually know someone to get gifts."
4. "Don't move, you've got something on your…well just don't move."
5. "Here comes someone with a hacksaw - I hope you're happy."
6. "You're in denial again. You are not the Rockefeller Center tree."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Boy, do you take a long time to get ready!"
"Whatta you mean, do I think those make you look fat?"
"You do have a thing for bling."
"This year I'm ‘going green'"
"Do you come here often?"
"No, you're not just arm candy.'
"Don't you think you're a little overdressed, dear?"
"In the tree world we call this ‘going commando.'"
"Okay, no more choruses of ‘You Light Up My Life.' I promise."
"What do you expect from a Scotch Pine?"
"Yeah, well I didn't get a stimulus check!"
Don Byers, Greensboro
Great stuff, again Don.

"I see you've overcome your reluctance to use your stimulus check."
Kevin Little
Stimulus check is good, but Don beat you to it (see above)

PARTY? What party?????
Linda Burnette, Gibsonville

"Buddy, can you spare a bulb?''
'' Do you have undies under all of that."
"All substance and no electricity."
" A tree with no mouth and all the luck!"
"Don't look now, but here come the axe."
"Can you say Timberrrrrrrrrrrrr."
"Fatso, I told you would get pick."
"That what you get for being tall and sassy."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

"Your skirt is missing."
"If you didn't brag so much, I wouldn't have added the blue ornament."
"Oh, how lovely are your branches!"
Ian Knight, Greensboro

It wouldn't hurt you to spruce up a little.
Sandy Mendenhall, Greensboro

"Personally, I prefer the natural look."
Carl Niedziela, Pelham

1.)Way to take one for the team!
2.)Thanks for taking one for the team!
3.) My fungal blight keeps them off me.
3.)Do you feel pretty,oh so pretty?
4.)We're supposed to be a non denominational forest.
5.) I didn't think they could do that in a national forest.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'm so desperate I'll even take last week's freaky light bulb."
"I need to spruce up, you're making me look bad."
"Neglect the halls?"
"But I'm doing 'MTV's Unplugged' this month."
"But Governor Blagojevich promised to sell those decorations to me."
"Since I've housing a squirrel I'm pretty sure Clark Griswold will take me this year."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Look at You! All Dressed Up and No Place to Go!"
Vince Schooler, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

THIS WEEK'S WINNER
This week's winner? Well, lets just say after reading a few hundred entries, you learn to appreciate something short and pithy. Too many captions, even though they were good, all carried about the same weight with our judges. The winner kinda stood out and was different.
You guys must really be environmentally conscious based on the more-than-average number of entries we received. Some of you are so into the environment, you even sent in recycled jokes (bah-dum-DAH!)
All kidding aside, you guys did a great job with a very limited theme. I think you covered every conceivable angle.
Oh, and there's a personal note in the comments.

WINNER
"Freak!"
Sarah Luck, Norfolk VA.
Really fit the bulb's expression. Seems like a legitamate and typical response to anything new that challenges old assumptions.

RUNNERS-UP
You're a disgrace to the family!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

I think you need a good chiropractor.
Ken Layton, Carthage

"That wasn't your online profile picture!"
Grady, Greensboro

Feel like turning on some time TODAY your majesty!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Where were you invented, Dairy Queen?!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"You're taking this yoga thing way too far!"
Dave Tolton, Greensboro

I'm NOT FAT... I'm just big bulbed!
Ed Deckert, Summerfield

Incandescent was good enough for for me and my father - it should be good enough for you.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

BEST CAPTIONS TO OBVIOUSLY THE WRONG CARTOON (superman?)
"Oh, Bill's attitude has just gotten worse, Edna. Now he even dresses sarcastically."
"Sure, I know it's just a phase, but the worst part is when we're in bed and he yells ‘up, up and away…'"
"I don't know, Edna, I guess this is what I get for having high expectations…"
"No, No, Doctor, nothing unusual to eat… although I did try that new gravy thickener last night…. Krypto-something…"
"Honestly Edna I couldn't care less that Clark's taking some time off from work… he's still his old self in bed…"
Kevin Gillette

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Kinda light (no pun intended) in this category this week
Whrer do I put the coin to get a gumball?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
(I like these as captions too, but they're too "inside the beltway")

How many cartoonists did it take to screw you in?
(Tim, did you help!) Nancy Nelson

"How many JOY captioners does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

I also like …Mr. Rickard! The new bulb is picking on me again!
Theoretically ,it's MY job to appear over Rickard's head if he EVER gets a great idea!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Hey, if I ever got any ideas I wouldn't need to solicit cartoon themes from readers.

BEST/WORST PUN
Goes to everyone who used the term "watt" instead of "what."

Oh, yeah? You're not brighter than me; that's just a filament of your imagination.
Barb Purdie, High Point

"You're under arrest----for incandescent exposure!"
Kevin Little

MATURE
Don't you EVER refer to me as a BILF again!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Unscrew you!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse

Go screw yourself pal!!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"You may last longer, but it takes you a long time to get turned on"
Robert Summey, Greensboro

THE REST
1.)What do you mean old timer?!
2.)You turn on about as fast as an old dude with no viagra!
3.) At least they don't have to dispose of me like toxic waste!
4.)Holy freakin' crap! Would you turn on already!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
liked number 4

1.)You're kind of a dim bulb there pal.
2.)Don't you get any toxic mercury on me!
3.) You twisted freak!
4.)Light travels at 186,000 miles per second and that"s the fastest you can turn on!?
4.) Aaaah he's got a crack! Call poison control and air out the room!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
liked number 4 again

"You don't look green"
Greg Elmore

1. What do you mean I'm being replaced?
2. I see you're using your curves to take my job.
3. You won't fit in everywhere!
4. Dim-wit!
5. Dim-lit!
6. You and your new-fangled ideas!
7. I may be old-fashioned but I sure am brighter!
8. Don't tell me to move over and make room for you!
9. I'll show you who'll last longer!
10. This is depressing!
11. Don't tell me you're going to light up my life!
12. How much time do I have left!
13. I'm about to become unscrewed!
14. You're screwing everything up.
15. You young whipper snapper, don't roll those eyes at me.
Nancy Nelson

And I don't give a watt if Pricey Harrison IS your friend.
Are you supposed to be screwed up or screwed down?
I prefer a glowworm.
You have cute curves, but I still think you're dangerous!
Joan Lux Greensboro

" You trying to steal my job with those curves ? "
" Missy, spell image and say light bulb, that's me shining bright ! "
( I Am A GE Light Bulb )
" Save those curves for your night life, please ! "
" I am not out of shape ! "
" It doesn't take a genius to FIGURE why you are replacing me ! "
" You trying to snake my job ? "
" No ! I can't do the twist ! "
" You're having twisted thoughts ! "
" Trying to screw me out of my job ? "
" You're screwing my livelihood ! "
"You should go work at a barber pole ! "
" Why don't you go work in a barber pole ? "
" You're built more for barber pole work ! "
" Who said you're the answer to spiraling costs ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Sex? How bright you are!
Glenda Layton, Carthage

Are you some kind of Indian fakir?
Ken Layton, Carthage

Do you twist your bottom into a socket, too?
Ken Layton, Carthage

I think you need a good chiropractor.
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Just because you GOT a permanent doesn't mean you ARE permanent"
no name given

15. I'm not going down without a fight!
16. You may be fancy but you're not very bright!
17. Who's bright idea was this?!
18. What do mean they're downsizing?
19. My job has been eliminated!
20. I see retirement in my near future!
21. I'm not old enough to retire!
22. I'll lose all my benefits if I get unscrewed!
23. I'm screwed in so tight they'll have to break me to get rid of me!
Nancy Nelson

You are so twisted!
Bob Jarrell, Greensboro

yea yea yea i m tried of hearing about your new diet...
Larry Thomas
Nice

Well, you've screwed me out of my job!
Susan Snyder, Greensboro

THOMAS EDISON SHOULD SEE WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO YOU
David Jones, Greensboro

What do you mean you want to procreate with the "brightest bulb on the Christmas tree"? What, do you think that will make you become brighter more quickly? You are so twisted!
Deborah Stanton, Greensboro

You may be cute, but you aren't the brightest bulb on the porch.
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

I dont care how cool you look or how bright you get or how much you lower light bills ......I'm stil better!!!!!
Brian Staples, Greensboro

"YOU WIMP! I TOLD YOU IF YOU STUCK TO THAT LOW KILOWATT HOUR DIET YOU'D SHRIVEL UP!"
Bill Rogers

Don't get bent out of shape about conservation.
James Durham-Greensboro, NC

"You think you're brighter than me?"
"You think you're hot stuff, don't you?"
"Fluorescent is for wimps!"
"Is this a joke, you look like an icecream cone!"
"How many wimps did it take to screw you in?!"
"If you pop into someone's head, their mind is twisted."
"Where were you invented, Dairy Queen?!"
"Whose bright idea were you, Ben and Jerry's?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

24. I hope you have a blow out!
25. Twist and shout, I'll take you out!
26. I'll give you a blackout!
27. I have an idea, why don't you go for a swim!
28. Break dance for me baby!
29. Just because you're an Energy Star does mean you have to be so uppidty!
Nancy Nelson
Liked 29.

"Unscrew you!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse

"You may last longer, but it takes you a long time to get turned on"
Robert Summey, Greensboro

"Hey!? You're really twisted to tell a Pollock joke like that!"
Christian Pike, Siler City

And who's bright idea are you?
Kevin Smith, High Point

You guys think your brighter than the average bulb.
Allison Smith, High Point

Now thats just too kinky, you won't get turned on looking like that!
Jay Allen Boomer, Gibsonville

"You are twisted."
Terry Lambert, Greensboro

"Well, at least they don't have to send the Toxic Squad out when I break"
Joyce Spangler,Greensboro

"Honey, I don't like your new outfit!"
Debra B. Wood, Greensboro
Nice

Watts the reason you're so popular?
Tom Sandin, Greeensboro

Go screw yourself pal!!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"You may require less energy, Young Lady, but staying ON all night is unacceptable..You're grounded!
George Edmunds, Greensboro

"I don't care what the other kids are wearing - no daughter of mine is going out looking like that!"
Karen Price, McLeansville

" Who you telling to shape up or ship out ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"That's what you get for playing Twister all night."
"How in the heck did you get a tapeworm?"
"For Pete's sake...do you have gas?"
"What do you mean 'don't tread on me'."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

" Please don't let a little juice separate us ! "
" I need more juice to keep up with you ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

You're naked, cover -up!
Mary Williams, Lexington

There's no need to get bent out of shape!
Sandy Mendenhall, Greensboro

There's no need to get bent out of shape.
Sandy Mendenhall, Greensboro

1) What do you mean it only takes 2 flies to screw in a light bulb???? (think about it)
I'm really having a hard time with these last 2. I don't see how you do it every day.
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.
There are a lot of people who would say I don't.

1)You designer bulbs think you are brighter tha the rest of us.
2) I am just an old fashion kind of bulb.
3) Watts up?
John Lonergan, Whitsett

"You're taking this yoga thing way too far!"
Dave Tolton, Greensboro

"You're spending money for a personal trainer to look like that?"
Denise Tolton, Greensboro

"You're under arrest----for incandescent exposure!"
Kevin Little

I'm NOT FAT... I'm just big bulbed!
Or...
I'm NOT FAT... I'm just big boned!
Either one works, but I lik the first one better since bulbs don't have bones...
Ed Deckert, Summerfield

I do not have a ghetto booty!
2.)When people get an idea you don't see a little spiral above their heads now do you?!
3.) You screw in one turn at a time just like everyone else pal!!!
4.) Why don't you go save the whales or something!!
5.) I did not cause global warming!
6.)Oh yeah? Your buddy in the trash said he would last 7 years too!
7.) CFL? You don't play football ya fibber!
8.)Cover yourself up pervert!
9.)Edison! That name mean anything to you pal?!
10.) You know what else gives off a lot of heat? The sun that's what!!
11.) Are you modern art or a light bulb?!
12.) I am not a dime a dozen!
13.)You're just a fad like those new fangled horseless carriages!
4.)Who designed you? Andy Warhol?!
15.) You don't even have a filament!
16.) Why don't you go poison a fish or something!
17.) Hey Mr. mercury why don't you go and take a temperature where the sun don't shine!
18.) I am not a wasteful inefficient relic!
19.)You're not exactly at full brightness are ya pal?!
20.) For what you cost you should be full of gold not mercury!
21.) How many global warming activists does it take to screw in a light bulb?!
22.)Tungsten?What's wrong with tungsten?!
23.)How many EPA agents does it take to screw you in?!
24.) No,I do not want to hear about how much energy you save again!
25.) I hope I burn out soon so I don't have to listen to this smug self righteous %$#*&%$ anymore!!!
26.)Well,there goes the neighborhood!
27.)Oh yeah,the way I see it we're both screwed!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
My favorites were 23-24-25

"You have a twisted sense of humor."
"It's just watt-er weight."
"How do you know that the Slinky is the father?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Don't you EVER refer to me as a BILF again!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Watt are you smirking about?"
"Watt are you staring at?"
"You think you're so cool..."
"You last longer, but I've always been brighter than you!"
"Your prettier, but I'm brighter than you!"
"Sure, youngster, I looked clean and bright when I was just out of the box!"
"Just out of the box and you think you're the brightest!"
"What do you mean, 'Who was Thomas Edison?"
Rob Black, High Point

30. Watts' up?! or 31. Watt up?!
32. It's not fair they made you low wattage and curvy too!
33. It's NOT time for a change!
34. Times they are a changing!
35. Energy Star Light, Engery Star Bright!
36. Blackouts can be fun!
37. Your filament is showing!
38. I wish they'd stop flippering that switch!
39. On off, on off!
40. You have an electric personality, NOT!
41. My wiring is coming unglued!
41. I'm all wired up!
42. Are you my backup?(I liked all the captions this past week! Some good ones didn't make it though!)
Nancy Nelson
I agree. That's true this week too.

"I warned you about fooling around with those neon floosies in that 'Freak Circus' sign!"
D.R. Gunn, Madison

Oh yea, well I may be more expensive to operate and I may not last as long, but at least I don't look like a Slinky!
Dean Tribbett - Virginia Beach VA
Hey, you need to put something on, you may scare the children!
Dean Tribbett, Virginia Beach Va

43. Lights out!
44. I can feel my light going out!
45. My light's over!
46. Beam me up!
47. I'm shocked!
48.This news is shocking!
49. Give me a break!
50. How many ... did it take to screw you in?
51. How many cartoonists did it take to screw you in?
(Tim, did you help!) Nancy Nelson

1.) Why don't you go blow a fuse!!!
2.) Enough with the abuse!! I'm outta here...uh a little help please!
3.)Someone unscrew me so I can kick his self righteous glass!
4.) What do you mean you don't do dimmer switches!
5.) I guess I'm just SOOO lucky to be in the presence of such greatness!!
6.) Who are you calling cheap!!!
7.)When you've been around for about a century THEN you can criticize me!!!
8.)Why don't you go save a polar icecap or something!!
9.)Feel like turning on some time TODAY your majesty! 10.) YOU DIMBULB!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro(Boy,that is one angry looking light bulb ya got there Tim)
I thought your captions did a good job of matching his expression

So you're the young bright new whipper snapper I keep hearing about?
Randy Payne, Greensboro

1.)You keep talkin bout my momma like that and I'll pop a cap in your glass!
2.)Oh yes,PLEASE tell me how much energy you save yet AGAIN!!!
3.) I don't care what you're feeling, I ain't giving you any sexual healing!
4.)What do you mean junk in my trunk!
5.) Mr. Rickard! The new bulb is picking on me again!
6.) Theoretically ,it's MY job to appear over Rickard's head if he EVER gets a great idea!
7.)Stop touching me! He's touching me again!
8.) I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So, you're green, huh? You look pretty white to me!
Annie S., Greensboro

"Freak!"
Sarah Luck - Norfolk VA

1)Watt's your problem?
2) You're a disgrace to the family!
3) It's those late hours you've been keeping!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

52. I can see, you're already twisted!
29. Just because you're an Energy Star doesn't mean you have to be so uppidty!
35. Energy Star Light, Energy Star Bright! (Sorry my spelling is horrible)
Nancy Nelson

"So how long before you can wash that out?"
"For the last time, your father was not a Slinky."
"Looks like someone is having a bad filament day."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

My goodness, what would Edison think of you.?
Man you are really screwed up.
Wayne Smith

You think you're so bright
Jane Norman, Greensboro

"You're so twisted."
You like that pretzel logic
Incandescent was good enough for for me and my father - it should be good enough for you.
Oh, sure - Just because Pricey Harrison likes you you think you are special ...
Like we will ever see an idea CFL over a person's head in the comics
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"You might save a lot of energy, but your still ugly as homemade sin".
Jim Almon, Greensboro

" Who said I was Power Hungry ? "
" Did you say I was Power Hungry ? "
" Who told you I was Power Hungry ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington, NC

"What do you mean I don't last long enough?"
Submitted by Gail Webster, Jamestown

You can go round and round on the issue, but the truth is we're both screwed.
Barb Purdie, High point

Oh, yeah? You're not brighter than me; that's just a filament of your imagination.
Barb Purdie, High Point

1) "I used to be that flexible back in the day!"
2) "It's just holiday weight!"
3) "Back in my day, 60 Watts was cool!"
4) "Is this how we raised you??"
5) "I don't care if 'everyone else is doing it'!"
6) ".eHarmony is way off base this time."
7) "That wasn't your online profile picture!"
8) "Do you kids even know what a filament is?"
9) "Light a match will ya, that gas smells horrible"
10) "Oh great, there goes the neighborhood."
11) "Borrow a ballast? What the heck is that?"
12) "Unbelievable! Do I at least get severance pay?"
Grady, Greensboro
Quite a few of these made the short list. Good work.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN " AM I A/C OR D/C " ??
RC SAUNDERS, MADISON

They're clapping for me, not you ! It turns me on !
Go find your own corner to brighten !
What do you mean lighten up on the juice ?
You need to work in a Winery !
I don't know What's Watt anymore !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Son, Duke Energy will not give you a job with a haircut like that. You kids!
Leo Rideaux, Greensoro

53. You're such a light weight!
54. Light on, light off!
55. You're so transparent!
Nancy Nelson

"O.K, you were playing with a Slinky and then what happened?"
"For gosh sakes Harold, put a shade on."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

A light bulb? You look more like a fat cork screw.
How do you know which end goes in the socket?
Don Rankin, Greensboro

" I may not be the brightest bulb but at least my intestines aren't showing."
"What have you done with my wife?!"
"Who are you calling incandescent?!"
"Your intestines are showing."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1) " At least I don't have gas ! "
2) " It's to bad that Al Gore doesn't have an off switch. "
3) " You'd have to wear a sweater just to attract a moth to you. "
4) " I think they screwed you in backwards. "
5) " If you MUST know, it took three guys ! "
6) " Thanks to you I'm being transferred to the easy bake oven ! "
7) " I can't believe you are going to out live me. "
8) " What are you talking about ? I don't even know a polish guy. "
9) " Take a hike treehugger ! "
10) " Wait till the union hears about this. "
11) " How many environmentalist does it take to screw you in ? "
12) " Somebody need to put a shade on this guy ! "
13) " You're not going anywhere looking like that ! "
14) " Compact-Fluorescent-Energy-Efficient-Light Bulbs ? I'm just gonna call you Curly ! "
15) " WATTS the big idea ? " ( pun contender )
Deadpan

You're bright, but that doesn't always mean you're right !
You're good, but you're no Star of Bethlehem !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Whrer do I put the coin to get a gumball?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"At least no one's ever accused ME of being a little loopy!"
"Oh, yeah? I may have a big head, but you've always been a little loopy!"
"No, I'm not green that you've gone green!"
"I just never thought anyone in OUR family would ever go green!"
"I'm not fat. I'm just big-boned!"
"I just don't like when other light bulbs check out your womanly curves!"
"I may not be as bright as you, but it doesn't take me as long to get turned on!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
Liked the big boned one, but someone else beat you to the idea.

"New and curvy, meet old and round"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

You might replace me, but you'll never replace the Star on the Christmas Tree!
You might replace me, but you'll never replace the Star of Bethlehem!
You might replace me, but never the Star of Bethlehem!
I know I'm no Star of David, but you're no Star of Bethlehem either!
You might replace me, but you'll never make it too top of Christmas tree!
You might bump me, but it takes twinkle & color to get on the Christmas Tree!
You must agree, We are an Odd Couple !
We are an Odd Couple !
You're too young for me !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Oh, Bill's attitude has just gotten worse, Edna. Now he even dresses sarcastically."
"Sure, I know it's just a phase, but the worst part is when we're in bed and he yells 'up, up and away...'"
"I don't know, Edna, I guess this is what I get for having high expectations..."
"No, No, Doctor, nothing unusual to eat... although I did try that new gravy thickener last night.... Krypto-something..."
"Honestly Edna I couldn't care less that Clark's taking some time off from work... he's still his old self in bed..."
Kevin Gillette, San Diego, CA

"Yeah? Well you don't light up my life either!"
"You're not the brightest bulb in the socket, are you?"
"CFL? I thought that was the Canadian Football League."
"Let me illuminate you, buddy! I was here long before you were!"
"How many Gore family members DOES it take to change a light bulb?"
"It's just unnatural, I tell ya."
"Don't gimme that ozone stuff either!"
"Man, you're about as screwed up as they get!"
Don Byers, Greensboro

1. You are one "Twisted Sister."
2. Doing the "Twist" was popular years ago.
3. Chubby Checker did a better twist.
4. You're not as cool as you think.
5. See what happens when they screw you into the socket too fast.
6. And you wonder why your parents put you up for adoption.
7. Stop showing off and go back to normal.
8. I told you not to have that extra highball.
9. Edison must be turning over in his grave.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

1. "Get a shade!"
2. "Gas AND poison! You're twisted dude."
3. "I'm not worried - I get all the bright ideas."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Ok new guy, I have been screwed up here to long and me and the Christmas lights are making a break for it tonight. Are you in?
james

"I told you that dieting would screw you up."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Who you callin' 'Not So Bright???' "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

56. It'll be a hot time in the old town tonight!
57. Woh, you're such a hottie!
58. Baby light my fire!
59. You have curves appeal!Nancy Nelson

"If we're going to be this close I wish you'd try another fila mint."
"How many JOY captioners does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"The electrician bragged that you really ‘light up a room.'"
"Don't expose yourself around me you pervert."
"I was expecting a flasher not a pervert."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Sure you have a hot new body but you're just as "screwed up" as the rest of us.
"Watts the bright idea?"
Scottie Carratello, Jamestown,

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
This week's random comments.
Yet another Tribbett popped out of the woodwork this week. I swear, those guys are as numerous as Baldwins.
The most common subjects were global warming, Frosty and the phrase "The weather outside is frightful."
Bob Mannary graces the blog with not one, but two songs (sung badly out of key, I'm afraid.)
Kudos to many of you for thinking outside the box.

WINNER
"Police described the suspect as having a corncob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal."
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

RUNNERS-UP
"Tonight's Top Story: Frosty blinded by rising coal prices."
Teresa Cox, High Point

"Without the converter box, next year you will only see snow on your screen. OK, never mind."
Don Byers, Greensboro

Frosty's in the news again -- mishap taking ham out of the oven.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

…And that's the news. Stay tuned for the new reality show "Standing in the Yard."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"The protesters claim that life begins with the snowflake."
Deadpan

Reports say our children are obese, don't worry, the sun is coming out.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

Spring and how it may affect you. Tonight at 11.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"In Local News...An Area Cartoonist Was Found Bludgeoned To Death This Morning In An Apparent Early Deadline Mishap. Scrawled In Ink On The Cartoonists Front Lawn Were The Words, "The Jokes On You!! We will bring you more on this story as it develops..."
Anonymous, Greensboro :-)
Sorry about that, Bob …

"The turkey from last week's cartoon has been upgraded to stable condition."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Tim Rickard has asked Santa for a snowbunny in his stocking this year ! He says he's been good! (Just having a little fun)
Nancy Nelson
I have been good. But when I'm bad, I'm better.

BEST/WORST PUN
" Studies show that more kids are joining sleet gangs than ever before. "
Deadpan

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"Professor Hinkle has been spotted in the city and is to be considered hatless."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
My favorite in this category

Our investigative reporter has discovered that Burl Ives was not a real snowman.Holly jolly indeed!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Bill Watterson was arrested today for the decapitation and mutilation of hundreds of snowmen.
And
Astonishingly a small boy named Calvin stands accused of the of the biggest snowman killing spree in modern times.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I'm Frosty the Snowman and you're not."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Once the man was revived he shouted HAPPY BIRTHDAY."
Deadpan

MATURE
"Local Man Falls In Snow Blower and Dies With A Smile..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

And next, the connection between vasectomies and snowballs.
Fran Freeman, Greensboro

"Yellow Snowmen will be protesting for full public acceptation this evening". " Their leader says they are really pissed off!"
"Snow women are protesting the unchecked liberties being taken with their anatomies!"
"This station goes on record as being against the use of icicles to augment snowmen"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

The new gang is dubbed "the yellow spotters", and have left their mark on snowmen across the country
Grady, Greensboro

"Scientists are now claiming it is unsafe to circumcise using an ice cream scooper."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Traces of yellow snow have been found in area snow cream, please discard."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

BEST POEM
Rickard The Mad Cartoonist
BWAH-HA-HA-HA
(Sung To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)

Rickard The Mad Cartoonist....
Had A Weekly Cartoon Show...
And If You Ever Read It...
You Would Be The First To Know...

That Some Of The Weekly Entries...
Some Of Them All Sound The Same...
Some Of Them Make You Giggle...
And Some Of Them Are Quite Insane!

But On A Chilly Thursday Eve...
Santa Came To Say...
"Rickard With Your Cartoon Might...
Make This Contest Out Of Site!"

Then All The Locals Loved Him...
And The Shouted Out WooHoo!!
Rickard The Mad Cartoonist...
This Week The Joke Will Be On You!!
Santa Claus, North Pole

Jokes On You!
(sung To The Tune Of Jingle Bells)

Sorting Through eMail...
With Cartoon Pen In Hand...
Searching High And Low...
For The Best Gag In The Land.
He's Got This Weekly Thing...
This Thing He Likes To Do...
A Weekly Little Cartoon Gig...
It's called The Jokes On You!

Oh, Jokes On You, Jokes On You,
Whatcha Gonna Do?
When Rickard And His Cartoon Men,
Post One Just For You?
Oh, Jokes On You, Jokes On You,
Whatcha Gonna Do?
When The Comic Has No Words To Read,
He Leaves It Up To You!

A Day Or Two Ago,
I Started On This Song,
It Kinda Hit A Snag,
And Didn't Move Along.
I Cracked Open A Brew,
Well...Maybe Just A Few,
A Sat Down At My Keyboard,
And Wrote This Just For You.

Oh, Jokes On You, Jokes On You,
Whatcha Gonna Do?
When Rickard And His Cartoon Men,
Post One Just For You?
Oh, Jokes On You, Jokes On You,
Whatcha Gonna Do?
When The Comic Has No Words To Read,
The Punch-line's Up To You!
Bob (Santa Clause) Mannary

THE REST
1.)Today,global warming and how it can help you shed those unwanted holiday pounds
2.)Today's news is global warming. Great way to lose weight or slow ride to oblivion?
3.) There has been a wave of magic hat thefts in the triad area.
4.)Today,how a trip to the piece goods store can lead to a whole new you.
5.) The forcast for today is a balmy 45 degrees degrees so get those freezers ready.
1.)Carrots or buttons,the debate continues!
2.)The global credit freeze,a good thing?
3.)Spring and how it may affect you.Tonight at 11.
4.)In today's news corn cob pipe smoking is on the rise among teen snow people.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Good stuff. As always.

And now for the weather--Another gorgeous day! Blizzard conditions, -39 degrees, with a chill factor that'll make it feel like -60!
It's so cold my nose froze off!
Ken Layton, Carthage
The first one got a vote from one of our judges.

1. Snow news is good news!
2. The weather outside is frightful!
3. Global warming has melted the polar cap!
4. Breaking news, Frosty has died.
5. President-elect Frosty has succumbed to heat exhaustion.
6. Be prepared for the impending heat wave, get plenty of dry ice and make sure your freezers are in good working order !
Nancy Nelson
I liked number two. But it really needed something else and several other people did the same thing.

"In Local News...An Area Cartoonist Was Found Bludgeoned To Death This Morning In An Apparent Early Deadline Mishap. Scrawled In Ink On The Cartoonists Front Lawn Were The Words, "The Jokes On You!! We will bring you more on this story as it develops..."
Anonymous, Greensboro :-)

"In other news, Frosty the Snowman melted away yesterday."
Jason Suttles, Trinity

7. In the financial news, Wall Street is getting a little flaky!
8. Due to the housing crisis the market value of igloos is declining rapidly!
9. Our snow banks are being bailed out.
10. Who needs autos anyway that's what feet are for! 1
1. It looks like there are plenty of newly elected flakes to run goverment!
12. Put that remote down, I need this job!
Nancy Nelson
Number nine was promising. But needed to be just a little more news-casty.

" Analysts say the world's credit freeze is affecting most everyone in today's economy!"
Alex Potter, Greensboro

"Next of kin sues local hot tub distributor---"
"Coal shortage causes layoffs at optometrist's offices statewide---"
Kevin Little
Nice.

13. It's getting hot in here!
14. The latest in extreme sports is snowball rolling!
15. On the job front, The Winter Olympics is looking for torch carriers!
17. With the food costs skyrocketing more people are eating snow cream!
18. More and more kids are staying in and making their snow people online!
19. With the demise of the Polar Bear, Snowpeople are now listed as endangered!
20. Please stop referring to me as the abominal snowman!
21. The News & Record wants help designing some gift wrap paper!
22. Dr. Mel is now turning living things into food?!
23. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
24. Santa's been spotted taken a last minute trip to the Bahamas!
25. The lastest advice is to pay in cash and lay those gifts away. How is that going to help!
26. Yeti, yeti, yeti!
27. Jordon Lake is frozen solid, time to bring out those snow skis!
Nancy Nelson

"Tonight's Top Story: Frosty blinded by rising coal prices".
Teresa Cox, High Point

1.) Tonight at 11, yellow snow and why you should avoid it.
2.)Tonight,an inside look at teen snowpeople and their corn cob pipes. Just what ARE they smoking?
3.)Our own Suzie Snowcone with a look at weight gain due to heavy snowfalls.
4.) There has been a sharp increase in blow dryer related homicides.
5.)The rise in heating costs has sparked an increase in the theft of eye coal.
6.)In today's fashion news,top hats and scarfs are still trendy.
7.) In today's news Al Sharpton has urged a boycott of snowmen citing a lack of diversity.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Good stuff

No snow in the forecast -- we can grill out tomorrow!
Frosty's in the news again -- mishap taking ham out of the oven.
Another global warming report -- "Population control, pure and simple."
Now that's a well-dressed newscaster.
That newscaster has a button nose just like my wife!
I don't think this newscaster will be around in August.
Love the news from Alaska.
That newscaster must shop at the clothing store where I shop.
Joan Lux , Greensboro
Some thinking outside the box this week, Joan. And it paid off.

1.)Tonight we look at snow cones.Cannabalism or just good fun?
2.)Tonight's focus is snow angels.Divine sign or hoax?
3.)There has been a recall on all imported chinese carrots.
4.) Electronics store Best Buy has agreed to lower store temperatures to keep snow shoppers from melting.
5.)Dirty slush and how to stop it.
1.)Two identical snowflakes have been discovered for the first time!
2.)Our investigative reporter has discovered that Burl Ives was not a real snowman.Holly jolly indeed! 3.)Frosty,fun cartoon or insulting stereotype. Report at 11.
4.)Fatal blows,our look at blow dryer related homicides
5.)A snowman has been reported missing from a Royal Carribean cruise ship. Authorities are baffled.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
One of our judges really liked number one.

28. Tim Rickard has asked Santa for a snowbunny in his stocking this year ! He says he's been good!
29. In the fashion industry, top hats are out, hunter caps are in!
Nancy Nelson

1.)Bill Watterson was arrested today for the decapitation and mutilation of hundreds of snowmen.
2.)Our report today will be in three segments,each smaller than the last.
3.)And now a report from Frosty, our foreign correspondent in the deserts of Iraq. Frosty? Frosty?Uh oh!
4.) Doctors report that thumpetty,thump,thump could indicate a dangerous heart arrhythmia in snowmen. 5.)Next,how to keep rabbits from nibbling your nose.
6.)Astonishingly a small boy named Calvin stands accused of the of the biggest snowman killing spree in modern times.
7.)The late Frosty's remains will be on view in a 5 gallon bucket this sunday.
8.)And now we switch live to Frosty at the Vegas furniture market.UH OH Why is his hat in that puddle?!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
I liked number 2. made me smile. We all liked number 7.

Police described the suspect as having a corncob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

1.) Doctors are advising all snowpeople to severely restrict their salt intake.
2.)In the news another lawsuit for McDonalds involving hot coffee.
3) The CSI team has identified the flakes on the crime scene as belonging to a local snowman .
4.) Relatives of the deceased elderly snowman have testified that his young spouse was a coal digger.
5)The following schools will be closed in anticipation of warm dry weather.
6.)Doctors are advising against overmedicating young snowboys with drifting minds.
We would like to remind all non snowpeople that it's legal to have a frosty drink but highly illegal to drink Frosty.(Trying to think outside the box here)
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
I loved number 5.

"In bad news, a strong warm front is moving in from the south."
"This just in, carrot noses can cause cancer in snowmen."
"A scene from the snowman retirement home."
"The weather outside is frightful, but be careful, the fire is not delightful!"
"The busride to the Packers game will leave at 8am. The gametime temperature is expected to be a balmy 20 degrees below zero!"
"Unfortunately, the new administration is not open to one of our representatives serving on the cabinet."
"Global warming is my chief concern, if elected I will work toward global cooling."
"In the news, a new theory about global warming is that snowmen by the millions are being housed inside and raising the temperature daily."
"In a move by the United Order of Snowmen, the National Hockey League will be allowed to use 'snowman' in the names of hockey teams."
"A snowman would make a perfect astronaut - suited for the frigid temperatures of outer space."
"Hey Marge! Do we get anything besides this Snowman Network?"
"When I get home from a day out in cold, nothing is better than parking my bottom ball on the recliner and watching Frosty do the news!"
"With these crummy wooden arms, I can't pick up the popcorn or work the remote!"
Rob Black, High Point
Liked the snowman network, but the wrong guy is talking

"Yes, I'd like to be out of my gourd."
Andrew Marshall, Summerfield

A snowboy has become lost in the current blizzard. Authorities can find no trail of little Mark.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Darn, still to much snow! let me try another channel.
Dean Tribbett, Virginia Beach, Va.
Welcome, Dean. Great caption, but wrong guy is talking.

BugsBunny,clever rabbit or nose devouring psychopath.Film at 11.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"As you head out in the morning, be careful on those salty overpasses."
"We encourage everyone to stay off the roads and sidewalks."
"We expect a significant population increase in the next day or two."
"We're expecting 6-8 inches of snow.great weather for you couch potatoes to get back in shape!"
"We're expecting 6-8 inches of snow.great weather to get back in shape!"
"Exclusive at Eleven: Baby-making Gone Wild!"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
The population-extra snow connection was interesting. But needed different wording.

"Polls show that the words "Jolly" and "Happy" are out this holiday season"
"Tonight at 8 we explore "Silk Hats, Magic or Myth?"
"Our lead story. Global warning continues to take a grim toll on us"
"A coal shortage will limit the building of genuine snowmen this season"
"A local snowman was pulverized by a runaway snow blower!"
" and snowmen with legs may be in our future!"
"Try Artic Deep Freeze Villages for you summer home!"
"Tonight at 9 Father Flake examines "Snowmen and Reincarnation""
"Snowmen to Snow Cones". NEWS will examine this alarming practice at 7"
"Studies show that road salt is the leading cause of early snowman melt away!"
"Snowmen United is suing EPA to band road salt"
"Yellow Snowmen will be protesting for full public acceptation this evening". " Their leader says they are really pissed off!"
"Snow women are protesting the unchecked liberties being taken with their anatomies!"
"This station goes on record as being against the use of icicles to augment snowmen"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1-This news item reveals that much body heat escapes via the head. So wear a hat.
2-Lots of snowperson's noses contain vitamin A.
3-Letterman's studio is cold? He should be in here!
4-Be sure to eat WHITE popcorn for your complexion.
5-Next in sports: ice hockey scores.
6-Eyewitnesses say the brave hero was cool under pressure: he had ice water in his veins.
Max Harless, High Point

" Some Chilling News just Blew In "
"Here's the Hard Cold Facts ! "
" Freeze that Remote ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"This just in: There is a coal shortage causing a run on real buttons."
"Frosty just revealed his new parsnip nose, causing a run on parsnips"
"Weather Alert: Aslan has returned - prepare for an early thaw." The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
"Global warming is causing a run on air-conditioners for igloos - news at 11."
"Will President Elect Obama where a Top Hat at the Inauguration? Text your vote to 1600."
Surgeon General adds warning to those who enjoy smoking corn cob pipes while having a face made of coal
Michael Jackson's new nose is made of coal - news at 11
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1) Global warming is now the leading cause for snowman deaths in the US.
2) As you can see, 4 snowmen were trapped in a blizzard yesterday
3) If you have any information about the drive by hair dryer attacks, please call the station
4) In a recent study, "tanning" is the #1 cause of death in snowmen
5) The new gang is dubbed "the yellow spotters", and have left their mark on snowmen across the country
6) A recent poll shows 98% of you still believe top hats and scarves are the style to wear this season
7) To repeat, the term is now snowpersons, due to a recent discrimination lawsuit
8) Snow donors are being asked to help the less fortunate living in warmer climates this holiday season
Grady, Greensboro
Liked number eight

Frosty the snowman was tragically melted today, when his Army-issuedflamethrower backfired.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

30. With this blizzard, I sure would like to be inside eating popcorn and flipping the TV remote!
31. With our food price crisis all carrotnoses should be on alert! 11. It looks like there are plenty of newly elected flakes to run the government!
32. Children there will be no school tomorrow, that means you have extra time to finish that report on Iceland! 34. I'm melting, I'm melting!
35. These lights are murder!
36. Doctors are saying melting a few of those extra pounds is beneficial for our health!
Nancy Nelson

"Bus and juice truck collide---no survivors but city now boasts Guiness record for world's largest snowcone!"
Kevin Little

"This just in.Frosty admitted to local mental health facility after complete meltdown."
"In closing we'd like to give a shout out to a special friend, Al Gore."
"Some may find photos from our next story unsuitable for small children: The Spring Thaw."
"Today saw a chilling drop in the market, more salaries frozen, and CEO's walking on thin ice."
"Frosty the Snowman was cut today from Dancing with the Stars after apparently losing his silk hat."
"Without the converter box, next year you will only see snow on your screen. OK, never mind."
"Stay tuned after the news for tonight's feature movie, The Big Chill."
"Good news for those cutting back, due to the economy. Silk hats and red scarves continue in next year's fashion trends."
"It's looking like global warming initiatives have a snowball's chance in hell of passing this year."
Don Byers, Greensboro

This is a photo of the valuable snowman in a blizzard painting that was stolen in the recent art heist.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Snowman anchor: "Up next, Global warming...New diet fad or Conspiracy population control?"
Walter J Moyer, Graham
Good.

1) When asked what he'd been doing all these years, Frosty replied "Just chillin'."
2) "For the last time, I don't have any news! Those kids just thought I looked cool holding this piece of paper."
3) "The sun was asked to comment about the class action lawsuit, but our reporter disappeared."
4) …And that's the news. Stay tuned for the new reality show "Standing in the Yard".
Tom Norman, Greensboro
We also liked number 2

"The little girl described her attacker as having 'a corncob pipe, a button nose, and two beady, evil eyes made out of coal.' "
"Tonight's weather forecast: 100% chance of golden showers in Frosty's bedroom."
"Police found the bodies of Frosty and Snow White in a dingy hotel room, dead of an apparent murder-suicide."
"According to family members, Frosty's dying wish was to spend eternity with his boyhood idol, Ted Williams."
"Frosty is accused of enticing the little boys and girls with the phrase, 'Hey kids, check out these snowballs!' "
"Al Gore is blaming the frigid temperatures on what he now calls 'globalcooling' "
"Scientists are now claiming it is unsafe to circumcise using an ice cream scooper."
"In stunning political news, newly elected President Obama has banned all playing of the song 'White Christmas'."
"Human rights groups are deeming the warnings against eating yellow snow as being 'highly racist' "
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

" Expect SNOW during Analog / Digital Period ! "
" Analog-to-Digital may bring SNOW ! "
" Could get SNOW in Analog / Digital Change ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
On the right track with number one, but phrasing is important.

"For the third time this year, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer has checked himself into rehab for alcohol abuse."
"Santa Claus continues to claim that Mrs. Claus' bruises were the result of 'an unfortunate accident.' "
"I'm Frosty the Snowman and you're not."
"And now back to your program, 'Eskimo Women Gone Wild'."
"Tonight at 11: How to protect your private parts against frostbite."
"As another sign of the failing economy, Santa's Workshop is asking Congress for a bailout."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

1. Reports say our children are obese, don't worry, the sun is coming out.
2. Frostie has been admitted to the ER as a crow stole his nose.
3. Police arrested Frostie with stolen carrots under his hat
4. I am sorry to report that Friday will be sunny and in the 60s.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"The only chill that'll stick around this season is the credit freeze."
Kris Voy, Trinity

Looks like we shop at the same clothing store.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Doctors are warning all snowpeople to eat unsalted popcorn only!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Another prominent snowbank collapsed today despite government intervention.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

We could be twins . . . except for the nose.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

37. Winter advisory: Be on the alert, snowman hunters have been spotted in NC!
38. Cold fusion is confusing to me!
39. It says we'll all be eating cold turkey this week!
40. The reason you don't see a pipe, I quit cold turkey!
42. My girlfriend gave me the cold shoulder yesterday and it still stings!
Nancy Nelson

"To repeat. Acme popcorn is being recalled because of high levels of rock salt."
"Professor Hinkle has been spotted in the city and is to be considered hatless."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Pardon me for freezing on camera."
"The assailant was of wintry mix descent and was last seen drinking a Slushy."
"The turkey from last week's cartoon has been upgraded to stable condition."
"If your reception is clear, crisp and without snow we apologize."
"Our top story, a 'Rock Salt Warning' has been posted for the entire viewing area until 8 am tomorrow."
"Traces of yellow snow have been found in area snow cream, please discard."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Firemen suspect a non-faulty space heater."
"The incident took place in the tanning salon but so far, no body has been found."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"The suspect told police that she is as pure as the new-driven snow."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Frozen but alive, doctors now worry that he may gain two toes."
"We have an amber alert. Last seen in a cumulonimbus moving west."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Liked the first one. Weird.

"A family of four was lost today when they were tragically built on the sunny side of the street."
" This just in... The President has been melted."
" Our sports reporter was lost today while covering beach volleyball."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville
Loved the first one. It lost out on runners-up simply because it didn't fit the last space available, while its closest competitor did.

1) " This just in........ the weather outside is frightful. "
2) " The button-nosed candidate promised to work across the aisle with the carrot-nosed party. "
3) " With the temperature at a balmy 33 degrees, we advise everyone to travel only if necessary."
4) " A family traveling to Florida has disappeared without a trace. "
5) " It was first thought that it was murder, but it turns out somebody had turned the heat up. "
6) " Once the man was revived he shouted HAPPY BIRTHDAY . "
7) " Reindeer and sleigh tracks were found near the body. "
8) " They lost both parents to last weeks warm front. "
9) " We now have proof of life after winter. "
10) " We don't recommend any long term investments. "
11) " He leaves behind 3 young snowballs. "
12) " The protesters claim that life begins with the snowflake. "
13) " The crowd held signs that said " SNOWBALL FIGHTS ARE MURDER " .
14) " Studies show that more kids are joining sleet gangs than ever before. "
15) " Once again our lead story is Global Warming. "
Deadpan
Number three was good.

"Today, anti-cloning mobs attacked area ski resorts."
"Thankfully, his arm was re-attached in a successful twenty second operation."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Liked the arm one, but it needed a bit more exposition

Santa was arrested today for illegally spying on millions of children.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Travel news -- Special holiday rates at the Witch's Broomhandle Nudist Colony.
Population decrease -- not global warming . . . Southerners' love of snowcream.
In this charitable season, consider donating your eyes to the Dept. of Energy.
Now a word from our sponsor -- Sno-White Cleaners.
Local news -- Opening his Christmas stocking, mean little Frosty, Jr., said, "How many more eyes do I need?"
Now the news -- no bailout for the Igloo Bank.
Firemen rescued Frosty, thanks to a clogged shower drain.
A public service announcement -- weatherproof your home before hot weather gets here.
The weather outside's delightful, but the fire inside is frightful.
And a big sale on hats and scarves at the local thrift store.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Due to my tendency to freeze on camera, this will be my last broadcast."
"...fortunately there were no injuries in the snow plow protest this morning."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

43. And to all a good night!
Nancy Nelson

"What to know before eating snow cream...details at 11."
"A recent study at North Pole University indicates that popcorn causes impotence..."
"Doctors recommend immediate attention should they appear blue in color or appear smaller than usual..."
"Local Man Falls In Snow Blower and Dies With A Smile..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
WHOOOOOOOPS! I forgot to mention last week that there would be an early deadline this week ­--- Wednesday noon instead of Thursday noon. I fielded entries as late as 3 o'clock Wednesday, but anything sent after that simply was too late.
Not to worry though, here on the blog, I'll also crown "best late entry."
By the way, a great job this week by everyone. True, I did give you a fat, juicy toon to work with, but still you guys did have to cook and serve it. Bravo.

WINNER
Everything was going well until the nurse said "Make a wish!".
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va

RUNNERS-UP
"We see a lot of these injuries this time of year."
Rob Black, High Point

Every time I get him sutured up those darn people come back for seconds!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'm sorry, ma'am. There's nothing more we could do. Which grocery store should we send him to?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"I'm afraid he didn't make it. Did you want to take home any leftovers?"
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"She's dead but you've been offered .89 cents a pound for her."
Deadpan

"We've already taken care of the arrangements with Butterball."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

WINNER OF THE LATE ENTRIES
"They accidentally transfered him up to the cafeteria but we found him..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
You got him here just in time. That weight reduction plan by Daffy Duck could've killed him.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
And here I thought Bob Mannary had the lock on obscure Warners Brothers cartoon references.

"Well Mrs. Turk it appears Tom is going to be fine despite that silly duck..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Oh, wait ... here it is.

For those of you who remeber WKRP in Cincinnati ...
He'll be ok. Do you need my testimony in your suit against WKRP?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
Classic.

"Another casualty of the WKRP Turkey Promo."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Good grief lady! Everyone knows farm turkeys can't fly!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"As God is my witness I thought Turkey's could fly!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"I am serious...and don't call me Shirley..."
"It's worse than that...he's dead Jim."
"It was a Junior Mint...they're very refreshing!"
"So he eats the blue pill and Yadda Yadda Yadda...he ends up in the E.R."
"He had hair when he was in Top Gun but none on E.R...where'd it all go?"
"He's in good hands...he's a Swedish fellow...a little hard to understand though...all I can ever make out is "Bork! Bork! Bork!"
"He's from Paramus? Where in the world is that?" (shot-out to my hometown but I doubt you'll get why it actually fits the cartoon!!)
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
I'll take your word for it, Bob (for anyone keeping score, the first reference is from "Airplane" the second from any "Star Trek" episode, the next two from "Seinfeld" the next is an Anthony Edwards reference and the next-to-last is from the Muppets. Whew.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
She's like the News & Record nothing can save her! (ouch)
Nancy Nelson

"Mr. Rickard has been unconscious ever since they moved his deadline up 24 hours."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"I don't care what you saw in a Brewster cartoon I can't make him invisible..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
She's in gravy condition.
Nancy Nelson

BEST POEM
An ode to turkey jerky
If you have leftover turkey,
Try drying it into jerky,
If you do it just right,You can sit and masticate all night,
But please stop chewing it by four,
If you overdo you'll make your poor mandible sore
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Bob Mannary also submitted a poem, but it was just a wee bit ... racy, to be included here on the blog. But amusing, nevertheless ...

MATURE AUDIENCES
Maybe this is where Bob's poem belongs ...
"Don't worry. He'll be up and eating his own feces in no time!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

The worst case of butterballs I've ever seen.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"Ma'am, did your husband have a ‘stuffing' fetish?"
Grady, Greensboro

"How in the world did she get stuffing in there ? "
Deadpan

BEST RECIPE
Fantastic recipe for Cranberry Relish......(my family loves this)
1 pound cranberries
2 apples
2 oranges
1 1/2 cups sugar
1 lemon, juiced (optional)
1 can drained, crushed pineapple
2 ounces Christian Brothers Brandy or Grand Marnier.........I have never used this ingredient
Chop the cranberries in a manual food chopper-Not a food processor. Chop the apples and oranges into small cubes. Add the remaining ingredients and stir well. Allow the flavors to blend overnight or for several hours in the fridg. You can freeze what you don't plan to use right away.
Happy Eating!
Cheryl Kidd

THE REST
"I'm afraid this will require a total giblet transplant!"
"His gizzard just isn't what it used to be."
"We were able to remove the fork, but the knife wounds were too much."
"Change the 'dressing' once a day."
"We see a lot of these injuries this time of year."
"It was definitely buckshot that did him in."
"We donated his body to John Madden for his turducken."
Rob Black, High Point
Good stuff here. We also liked the knife wounds one.

1.) I'm afraid he didn't make it but on the bright side he's delicious!
2.)Sorry, he didn't make it.Now excuse me I need to take a nap!
3.)We'll try a continous drip gravy IV with 60 mls of stuffing up the wazoo.
4.)We closed the linea with maxon,the subcutaneous with chromic gut and the intradermal with PDS.Then we covered him with a brown gravy.
Tim Tribbett ,Greensboro
Nice stuff, but we decided to stay away from references to turkey cannibalism, no matter how amusing, because it just didn't seem logical.

He's in pretty grave(y) condition, we had to remove his giblets.
Steve

"It's not serious, just a pulled wishbone"
Joe Long, Oak Ridge

When your name is called we'll take care of your duck and hen problem.
A quick glance tells me you're not fit for human consumption.
You did WHAT to your drumsticks marching in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"I'll try my best to keep him in here until after Thanksgiving, but you know
how the insurance companies are..."
Kris Voy, Trinity

1. She's not pregnant, just stuffed!
2. She won't be shaking those tail feathers for a while.
3. Strutt your stuff, you're the daddy of
10! 4. Gobble, Gobble, Gobble!
5. Sorry, the other doctors got hungary!
6. I can't operate, I'm not a butcher!
7. She needs surgery, do you have good vet insurance!
8. Your wife and poults are doing fine!
9. It was difficult but we removed the stuffing and she should be fine!
10. She'll be up and doing the turkey trot before you can shake a tail feather.
11. She's a tough old bird!
12. She's like the News & Record nothing can save her! (ouch)
13. She'd been carved up too much, we couldn't save her!
14. The Ax missed her vital organs, but she won't be gobbling anymore!
15. She has post-poult depression!
Nancy Nelson

Take the pills -- you'll feel better when you get rid of the duck and chicken.
Hey, we all feel stuffed on Thanksgiving night.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Go HOME -- that red dangly thing will be gone before you know it!
So what do YOU call that red dangly thing?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Good question. Here was a promising gag, but it needed to be worded different.

"You're healthy as a horse, but we'll both be dead within a week"
Richard F. Wood, High Point

You're calling him "Aloysius" -- she's named him "Tom."
No, he doesn't look like you but . . . .
You reek of something . . . broccoli casserole perhaps?
Panic Attack, it's really not so unusal this time of year! It's always worse November and December.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Son, the Emergency Room is for after the fact."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Doc, you gotta Medical Deferment. Can you get me one quick?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

"It's an emergency, Doc, I need a pill to lose about 20 pounds in a week."
Ken Layton, Carthage
It's actually the doc who's talking

16. Axtually she'll probably outlive you!
17. She's been given the ax!
18. When she saw the carving knife she went nuts!
19. Removing the apple was difficult but we go it in time!
20. You have poult now!
21. She's in gravy condition. Nancy Nelson

"Good news. We got the turkey bone dislodged from his throat."
"Old Boy eats too fast. Had a turkey bone lodged in his throat."
"I'm sorry, ma'am. There's nothing more we could do. Which grocery store
should we send him to?"
"All I did was remove the gizzard bag. Now he feels fine."
"He's an organ donor, so can I have the gizzard?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"He'll be fine. Nothing broken, but he did get the stuffing knocked out of him."
Kevin Little

" So you think you're allergic to Mayflowers ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I'm sorry Mrs. Butterball. His temperature is up to 350 degrees. It's just a matter of hours now.."
Derek Gunn, Trinity

22. I'm sorry we couldn't save her she was in an terrible axxident!
Nancy Nelson

23. Sorry, she's cold turkey now!
24. How did she get so brown!
25. She's suffering from three degree burns!
Nancy Nelson

1. "Looks like he's backed up with stuffing"
2 "Should have given him an enema, he's backed up with stuffing"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

26. She needs more exercise and less food so this doesn't happen again next year! 27. You can see her now, the tryptophan has worn off!
28. You shouldn't be henpecking him!
Nancy Nelson

29. She no longer has a turkey neck!
30. She had so many giblets we didn't know what to do!
Nancy Nelson

19. Removing the apple was difficult but we got it in time!
31. Let's talk turkey!
32. Don't let him drink any more Wild Turkey!
Nancy Nelson

1.)Just exactly how did his neck get up there?
2.)We're going to need a chicken and a duck.
3.)We've had to do a giblet transplant
4.)We had to amputate.I'm afraid he's a left winger now.
5.)Well,since he didn't pull thru and it IS Thanksgiving......
6.)The guys in the operating room want to know if you've got any mashed taters and gravy with ya?
7.)We were able to save the white meat but the dark is a total loss.
8.) I did what I could but let's face it. I'm just a turkey.
9.)Well.you try holding a scalpel with a wings!
10.)I'm afraid he was pronounced moist and delicious at 6:45 this morning.(and one just for Don)
11.)Next time he hears a strange turkey call tell him it's a trap!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Number 10 was my favorite in this group

"We were able to save the gizzard, but the liver is still in danger."
"I'd like to keep him here a couple more days till sarah Palin finishes her tours of the turkey farms. "
"Hadn't anyone ever told him he couldn't fly?"
Dottie

" Tom has moved up two places on the giblet transplant list"??
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

"He'll be fine. Nothing broken, but he did get the stuffing knocked out of him."
Kevin Little

Let me guess, you're here for an emergency breast reduction and thigh liposuction.
Cindy Joseph, Summerfield

"Well, the GOOD news is, we're going to have to keep him here until after Thanksgiving."
Leonard Byrd and anita byrd

she was over stuffed
sheila nye randelman

"We couldn't save him. However, if it's any comfort to you, he was delicious."
"In hindsight, it was probably a poor decision to choose Martha Stewart as his surgeon."
"I'm afraid he won't make it past the 27th. But then, neither will we!"
Kevin Little

1.)You may want to ask yourself why your husband was out responding to a hunter's fake mating call in the first place!
2.) I am not a quack madam.I'm a gobbler!
3.)Good grief lady! Everyone knows farm turkeys can't fly!(remember the episode of WKRP where they threw the live turkeys out of a plane?)
4.) Looks like President Bush was a little late with his pardon this year!
5.) I'm sorry but the prognosis is always pretty bleak in these decapitation cases.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) "With luck, he'll make it to Christmas"
2) "Sorry. He was just over-stuffed".
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

1) The bad news is she didn't make it, the good news is her timing was very convenient.
2) Sorry about your wife, but on the plus side I have a great stuffing receipt.
3) Everything was going well until the nurse said "Make a wish!".
4) Uh, just out of curiosity, do you like white or dark meat???
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1) If you had gotten him here before they stuffed him he may have had a chance.
2) It's my medical opinion that he's just plain plucked!
3) Next time someone say they would like to have you & your wife for dinner, you may want to clarify their meaning.
4) It doesn't look good, The little timer had already popped out.
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1.)Gobble,gobble,gobble(What?You expect a turkey to speak english?duh)
2.) I guess he thought it was wabbit season!
3.) I can't keep those darn hunters out of my operating room!
Tim Tribbett, greensboro

"No, you can literally HAVE him for Thanksgiving."
"I told him to stop smoking cold turkey."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Shhh...it's not Tom - It's Dr. Walcott until after Thanksgiving."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I know you are dying to see me but you'll have to make an appointment for
after Thanksgiving."
Robert Lane, Greensboro

"I'm so glad you'll be coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. We'll be smoking
our organic-fed human on the Weber this year."
Robert Lane, Greensboro

1) So, you guys were just out walking, heard this sexy voice calling, there was a loud bang, then what??
2) I'm afraid that since I'm just a turkey I have no idea what to do for your friend.
3) So, he was just trying to see why the chicken crossed the road, Then BAM!
4) To be honest with you, once they come out of the deep fryer we're limited in what we can do.
5) Just how DID the stuffing get up there?
6) We've done all we can do, we'll just keep checking on him until he'a nice golden brown.
7) We see a lot of this this time of year. Stinking Pilgrims!
8) We were able to get most of his feathers back in, but we never found his head. Sorry.
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

I've called a urologist to consult. He's an expert on Butterballs.
The worst case of butterballs I've ever seen.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

You got him here just in time. That weight reduction plan by Daffy Duck could've killed him.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

He'll be ok. Do you need my testimony in your suit against WKRP?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

1.)On the bright side Butterball has made you a very attractive offer for the body. 2.)He should have never went to Norman Rockwell's home on Thanksgving!
3.)On the bright side you'll have sandwiches for a week.
4.) I'm afraid he has birdshot of the brain!
5.)We get swamped with cases around this same time every darn year.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
OK, number three almost made us lift our anti-cannibalism ban

Don't fret. The exam went well, Tom will be in all set for THANKSGIVING.
Paul Duval

Is your husband in the habit of responding to mating calls from hunters?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
cute idea

" Sorry to Say, But Your Days are Numbered ! "
" Your Days Are Numbered ! "
" Run Everyday for Long Life ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" To put it mildly, he was rear-ended."
" He goggled for the last time."
"The ad said " Work for vegetarian, no crowding And you fell for it."
"He's a little over burnt."
"Not much we can do. He got one leg missing, wings gone, no feathers, .........."
"Emergency! Do you know today is Black Thursday."
"Tell him next time, don't play hide and seek in the oven."
" He lost his head."
"Worst turkey dinner I've ever seen."
" Do you have a good insurance policy?"
'' Tom-Tom has Gone-Gone."
" To put it mildly, he was rear-ended. We get a lot of them this time of year."
"Why did the ' turkey ' try crossing the road?"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

* "The turducken operation was a success!"
* "DOA. He arrived plucked, decapitated and frozen. I called the cops"
* "The burns were bad, we had to eat, I mean remove, the legs"
* "He's recovering but needs to lay off the Wild Turkey!"
* "He's under sedation. He kept screaming "Run, Dad, Run. The Axe is Coming!'"
* "He's gone. Want the body baked or fried?
* "I'll get to the point. We ate him but saved the wishbone for you!"
* "It's another late night. We have a backlog of severed heads!"
* "It's not aviary flu. He has TSS (Thanksgiving Stress Syndrome)"
* "Sorry about your father. We tried but too many parts were missing!"
* "Your son, Butterball, is part of the holiday festivities in the cafeteria"
* "It happens every year. The psyche ward fills with deranged, crazed birds!"
* "He said "I show you turkeys can fly" as he jumped from the room on the electric wires. It wasn't pretty"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
I really liked the "too many parts missing" one. very good.

"You son is going to taste--I mean--BE just fine, Mrs.?Gobbler; he's roasting, er, RESTING comfortably."
Rupert Burton, Greensboro

"His assests are frozen, so there's not much I can do"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

1) "No, I wasn't your husband's doctor, but I pulled the short side of the wishbone."
2) "Ma'am, did your husband have a 'stuffing' fetish?"
3) "I've never seen anything like it. She birthed a duck, which then proceeded to give birth to a chicken. Strange times indeed."
4) "You haven't seen a guy running around without a head have you?"
5) "Unfortunately, his tryptophan levels are through the roof. All we can do now is wait."
6) "He's extremely dehydrated right now. Be sure he pours gravy on himself six times a day, or he'll dry out"
7) "Please tell your husband next time that a 'turkey shoot' is not a photography lesson "
Grady, Greensboro
Some good ones here, Grady. The "pour gravy on himself" one was very tempting, but it just needed to be shorter somehow.

Are you the idiot that brought in a frozen Butterball?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
snicker

Sorry without his head nothing we could do.
I don't believe a rooster head would work.
Butterball Inc. says they could use him.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

1.)Every time I get him sutured up those darn people come back for seconds! 2.)Turkey poop everywhere! I can't operate in these conditions! (if I had a nickel for every time I've said that!)
3.) I think ER finally jumped the shark!
4.)It's the worst case of bird flu I've ever seen!
5.)This is the waiting room madam. Please put your clothes back on!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Nice!

33. It wasn't blood, someone covered her in cranberry sauce!
34. We did a breast reduction to make her less appealing to the humans.
35. That Sarah Palin sure is a good shot!
36. It was only an ax-iety attack!
Nancy Nelson

He needs to stop trying to fly with the eagles. After all, he is surrounded by turkeys!!
You really shouldn't have said you were going to ring his neck........not this close to Thanksgiving.
Patricia, Greensboro

37. She'll need a closed casket!
38. She's roast now! (Instead of toast)
39. I gave it my best shot but...
40. Her dying request was to give you her drumstick!
41. They're dressing her as we speak!
42. The pumpkin pie did her in!
42. He's gone to that great Turkey Shoot in the sky!
Nancy Nelson
Closed casket was a good one

"She'll be out in a minute. She's getting dressed."
Jean Weatherman, Greensboro

1, Stuffing had popcorn kernels, they popped causing her to blow off the oven door.
2. She's not pregnant, she's stuffed.
3. She just gave birth to a chicken, sorry!
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"I would recommend wearing a very sturdy neck brace for the next few days."
Joe Weiss, Greensboro

1. So Fred, did you say that you are a giblet donor?
2. I'm afraid we lost her...her white meat cell count was just too high.?
3. The breast and leg bones have been?broken very?badly.? Did you say that?he?was a victim of a pillage or a pilgrimage?
4.? This is the 3rd "hokey pokey" victim this week!?
Skye Dalrymple, High Point

" I'm Feeling Stuffy Myself ! "
" Let's Keep Our Heads ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1) "I am sorry sir we lost her... did you want us to keep her wish bone for you?"
2) "Doctor please... I need the morning after pill... I got BASTED last night"
3) "What do you mean it's not mine and it's the wrong color egg?
KK Dalrymple, Denver, CO

"Those were his last words. Oh, and he said I could bring a guest."
"Well, we botched the vasectomy so now I guess he is a Butterball."
"When we shocked him, I guess we got him a little too dry."
"He's awake now and I think he's calling for you."
"We've given him an I V of sage and thyme, you know, just in case."
"Try to keep him out of the straw for at least two days."
"He's one big mess but I'd say we're looking for a leg man."
"I really don't know the procedure so I guess I'll just wing it."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Country Turkey Will Survive!"
"Hope Your Friend Had Life Insurance!"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

" Told You to Stop Playing Around Plymouth Rock ! "
" Broke Drumstick Playing Plymouth Rock !"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"He's talking out of his head. It sounds like "I buried Paul."
"You may have to i.d him. They carved him up pretty bad."
"We just can't be sure. He's lost a lot of dark meat."
"Good news. He's out of the woods and roosting comfortably."
"Other than this, are you enjoying the holidays?"
"We think he was a runner. We found a small bag stashed in his cavity."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Liked the second-to-last one. It made me smile.

1.)George Clooney's yearly Thanksgiving nightmare.
2.)He ate some corn with aflatoxin that Jimmy cracked but for some reason he just don't care!
Tim Tribbett

1.)Nurse! Decapitations always come before ingrown feathers!
2.) I think those dang hunters have set up a turkey blind in my operating room!! 3.)Nurse,please keep the decapitations from running around.It looks unprofessional! Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Loved the turkey blind. A bit "out there" but that's all right.

1. "It was just an anxiety attack. We get a lot of those this time of year."
2. "I did my best, but he was really carved up when they brought him in."
3. "I'm afraid he didn't make it. Did you want to take home any leftovers?"
4. "So YOU'RE the turkey with health insurance."
5. "He's going to be just fine - at least until Christmas."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"I'm afraid he'll be left a vegetable."
"He didn't make it. Shall I wrap the leftovers?"
"Now remember to keep his dressing clean."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Loved the leftover reference. Very close to making runner-up

1. "He's okay, but no more playing wishbone."
2. "We had to do an emergency gizzardectomy."
3. "No more Thanksgiving worries. Our Extreme Makeover team has transformed him into a snowy owl."
4. "Hello, I'm Dr. Turducken."
(Tim, you probably are aware that Turducken is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. I imagine a turkey hearing their emergency surgeon's name is Turducken would be like a human hearing Dr. Death.)
5. "We did have to remove some giblets. I've heard giblet soup pairs nicely with apple cider."
6. "When he wakes up, explain to him it was a turkey deep fryer and a terrible place to hide."
Cheryl Kidd
Thanks. I was one of those who didn't know what a turducken was. But the first four letters of the name pretty much turns my appetite off.

His odds are pretty slim. About the same as the Lions winning a game.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (Happy Turkey Day everyone!)

1) " We tried everything, even the wishbone ! "
2) " We had to remove a pop-up thermometer but she resting peacefully. "
3) " I'm going to give you something for holiday stress. "
4) " We had to remove the wishbone. Good news is I got the lucky end. "
5) " Maybe they blame us for the leaves falling but the humans lose their minds this time of year."
6) " She's dead but you've been offered .89 cents a pound for her. "
7) " Sir your wife is going to be fine, but you are gonna have to put some cloths on!"
8) " This may sound like a weird question but has she been dipped in peanut oil ? "
9) " She was lucky, the pig was spiraled ! "
10) " How in the world did she get stuffing in there ? "
11) " I have no idea what a gizzard is either, but hers is infected. "
12) " Calm down sir, all I said was that we were dressing the wound. "
13) " I'm sorry, we lost her on the table, the kids table. "
14) " I know it's not ideal, but with your insurance I'm the best you've got. "
15) " Has she been any where near Sarah Palin ? "
16) " She's gonna pull through. She's a tough old bird. "
17) " We are gonna have to remove the giblets, hope you like gravy ! "
18) " Do you hate November as much as I do ? "
19) " I'm a turkey sir, so of course I'm gonna wing it. "
20) " She's literally running around like her head has been cut off ! "
Deadpan

"Remember, after a couple of days, you have to change the dressing."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

First the good news; the tumor test came back negative. The bad news; the lab called it an "automatic pop-up thermometer".
Dan Campbell, Greensboro

Turkey Shoots are good for ER Business !
Turkey Shoots Keep Me Doing the ER Turkey Trot !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Mr. Rickard has been unconscious ever since they moved his deadline up 24
hours."
"Looks like Puritan Oil food poisoning."
"He was attacked somewhere in the Plymouth Rock vicinity."
"I'm sorry, in my professional opinion he's healthy enough to dress out for
tonight's turkey shoot."
"This time of year Mad Turkey Disease reaches epidemic portions."
"Another casualty of the WKRP Turkey Promo."
"He was a donor and requested that his remains be sent to Butterball."
"He's getting carved up as we speak."
"Someone beat the stuffing out of him."
"He got his drumstick caught in a snare."
"The nurse is applying the dressing now."
"Our pharmacy is over the river and through the woods"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Looking back over these, I'm not sure why the "remains sent to butterball" one didn't score a runner-up place,

"You can see him as soon as we complete the Puritan Oil transfusion."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"We've refrigerated the leftovers."
"We successfully removed the baster."
"There wasn't much we could do but he made a family of four very happy."
"You have a healthy 8 lb. Turducken."
"We've already taken care of the arrangements with Butterball."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Your husband got cold-cocked."
"I've never seen a turkey baster stuck there before!"
"Tell him to watch where he's pecking next time."
"Apparently they got stuck while Farmer John was giving your wife 'the stuffing'."
"Don't worry. He'll be up and eating his own feces in no time!"
"He was found lying in his own juices."
"According to the DNA results, your father is Frank Perdue."
"Now I know why they call it a butterball!"
"He was shot by Sarah Palin."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

45. We're calling in the Turkey Sqad we suspect FOUL play!
46. There were no leftovers!
47. She's just skin and bones now !
Nancy Nelson

"I'd use the stethescope but I can't seem to find my ears..."
"Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to hold this stupid clipboard?"
"Well...we I think we managed to get all 10 White Castle Hamburgers..."
"Well Mrs. Gere it appears to have been a gerbil???"
"The paddles where supposed to be charged to 200 but they ended up at 450, and when I yelled clear..."
"Are you sure you want her to have 40DD with the holidays coming?"
"I told him the news and he told me to go Pluck Myself!"
"Well the bad news is that the burns are pretty extensive but the good news is he can go home with you in about 4 hours."
"I think it's just a touch of the flu but Dr. House wants to perform a Spinal Tap, a partial lobotomy, a CT scan, and an MRI..."
"If you can get the cartoons from August 29 and October 31 we'll be ready to eat."
"The bad news is that the burns are pretty extensive but the good news is the ER has never smelled so good!" (it works really in a cannibalistic sort of way)
"This room is for Medical Emergency's not 'I Need A Place To Hide" Emergency's'"
"Needing a place to hide is NOT considered a Medical emergency."
"I know that they're wings but I just can't make him fly"
"As God is my witness I thought Turkey's could fly!"
"I suppose I COULD just add the implants to the bill if that's what you want..."
"I've always been a breast man myself..."
"I've always been a leg man myself..."
"Do me a favor and lift this mask thingy over my beak..."
"No...but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night..."
"They accidentally transfered him up to the cafeteria but we found him..."
"GottaWannaNeedaGottaHavaBojangles!"
"Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Oh...Uh...UhHum...It appears the operation was a success..."
"I suggest basting the wound for the next 4-6 hours..."
"I don't care what you saw in a Brewster cartoon I can't make him invisible..."
"Well Mrs. Turk it appears Tom is going to be fine despite that silly duck..."
"Could I interest you in some after dinner mints?"
"What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?"
"Butter or gravy should both be safe without causing any undue irritation."
"He is an organ donor right?"
"Well he saw the catheter and thought it was a baster and he ran out of the room..."
"Every time we put him on the table he shakes uncontrollably..."
"It seems a bit inappropriate to be concerned whether or not he has a DNR no?"
"I am serious...and don't call me Shirley..."
"It's worse than that...he's dead Jim."
"I understand the gravy boat and the stuffing but what's up with the butt-less chaps?"
"He's from Paramus? Where in the world is that?" (shot-out to my hometown but I doubt you'll get why it actually fits the cartoon!!)
"I'm not sure but it kinda tastes like frog..."
"Don't worry...it was just corn...but we still haven't found the cob yet..."
"I need you to get me 25 pounds of stuffing and a gallon of butter...STAT!"
"How long are you going to stand there and listen to these silly one-liners?"
"The operation was a success but why do you want the parts put in a baggie?"
"Don't move...I think there's one on your shoulder..."
"It was just gas...nothing to get your feathers ruffled up about..."
"Put them in a baggie and stick them where?!?!?!?"
"It was a Junior Mint...they're very refreshing!"
"So he eats the blue pill and Yadda Yadda Yadda...he ends up in the E.R."
"He had hair when he was in Top Gun but none on E.R...where'd it all go?"
"Here's one...why did the Turkey cross the road? It was the Chicken's day off!"
"He just won't eat a thing...I think he's stuffed..."
"Don't let his lack of appetite worry you...he's just stuffed."
"I'm sorry ma'am but he didn't make it. I suspect FOWL play..."
"You might want to think about what your wishes might be when the time comes..." (think wishbone)
"Cremation is definitely an option but do you think it's really a good idea..."
"We were able to get the feathers cleaned off but there is still a pretty FOWL smell..."
"Next time she should really try self tanner instead of the tanning bed..."
"The thermostat only goes up to 90 degrees, why, are you cold?"
"We think the hot tub apparently malfunctioned..."
"He suffered a concussion at the hands of a FOWL ball..."
"He'll be fine but I suggest you keep him away from the state fair from now on..."
"Mrs. Turk? I'm Dr. Pecker..."
"We found him face down in a bowl of Cranberry Sauce..."
"He apparently fell asleep at the wheel...we think Tryptophan was to blame..."
"Is your husband a smoker?"
"We've managed to get him out of the turkey suit and...uh...oh...wait...YOUR his wife?"
"We found him running naked through a corn field screaming COLONEL SANDERS! COLONEL SANDERS!"
"I think it's cool whip time!!"
"Next time just reach in and grab him by the giblets. THAT'LL get his attention."
"He'll be fine but you should probably hide the butter for a while..."
"Don't worry Mrs. B...it's supposed to pop-up when he's done..."
"It would seem that page 37 of the instruction manual is missing..."
"Is there a doctor in the house?"
"You wouldn't by any chance be a doctor would ya?"
"Anybody happen to know the score of the Cardinals game?"
"Everything went fine but I seem to have misplaced my Rolex..."
"I think he's cured..." (think ham)
"Somebody got me a gravy boat and an I.V. Bag quick!"
"The mortuary is having a holiday special with 2 sides and a desert for only $8.95."
"I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is that he didn't make it. The good news is that the cafeteria will now be preparing a traditional Thanksgiving meal for your immediate family..."
"Your HMO called and they said they won't cover the entire 4 hours or the mashed potatoes and gravy."
"I graduated top of my class from Frank Perdue Academy in 2001 why?"
"Butterball University in beautiful Garner, North Carolina Class of 98..."
"We called in a specialist...Mr. Lagasse should be here shortly..."
"He's in good hands...he's a Swedish fellow...a little hard to understand though...all I can ever make out is "Bork! Bork! Bork!"
"Has anybody seen my rubber spatula?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Bob, you're still the king of the utterly "out there." That's a compliment

"Well, she's going to make it but I'm afraid she's lost a leg."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"By any chance did your horoscope say anything about escaping a close call?"
"By any chance did your horoscope say anything about having a near miss?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Tom, did she say anything about how she wanted her organs handled?"
"Tom, did you and the Ms ever discuss how she felt about organ donation?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"I assume that you're here about the Witness Relocation Program."
"Tom, have you really through your request to become an ostrich?"
"Before you sign the consent are you sure you want to become an eagle?"
"Isn't it really only the one time a year that you experience this identity crisis?"
"Mr. Thomas, I don't think it's a coincidence that you only have panic attacks at this time of year."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden
The ostrich-change operation is interesting, but the subject matter shouldn't stray too far from the Thanksgiving theme

"In answer to your question, there are several things I can give you for a fowl mood."
"What can I give you for a fowl mood???"
"It says on your admission form that you'd like something for a fowl mood."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Mr. Gobbler, are you aware that your wife just delivered a dozen eggs?
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"Tom, let me show you to our 'WAITING ROOM' where you'll stay until Saturday."
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

"I've got good news and I've got bad news... Your wife didn't make it, but there's giblets for Everyone!!"
"I've got good news and I've got bad news... Your wife didn't make it, but she was awarded the Betty Crocker Best new Recipe Award!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"She's going to be fine.... she was just allergic to stuffing."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"She's going to be fine. Somehow all of her organs got wrapped in paper."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Tom, have you really through your request to become an ostrich?"
Jean Brockman, Pleasant Garden

I am sorry to inform you, but you have acute gobbleitis.
Sorry to inform you, but you're next in line for a stuffed dinner.
Ward Burch, Greensboro

WHOOPS! FORGOT TO MENTION THERE WILL BE AN EARLY DEADLINE THIS WEEK! NEED ENTRIES BY NOON WEDNESDAY, 11-26!!!

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

There was this note from the previous week's entries
I think I counted 67 entries from Tim Tribbett, not to mention Bryan.
These guys definitely need a day job :-)
-D
Ah, Don, just where would I be if they did?

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON

Good ones again this week. I mean, sure, there were the plethora of "leafing me" puns (NO one seemed to be able to resist) but a lot of varied and funny stuff. See the blog.
And for next week's Thanksgiving theme, I have served up a big juicy turkey cartoon with all the trimmings. If it doesn't make your creative juices water, nothing will. Just watch out for the tryptophan.

WINNER
"Hey, if you're lucky you might end up in a family Bible."
Don Byers, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP
"I'll be right there, I need to change first"
Rick Earl, Greensboro

I'll wait until he has the yard completely raked.That really ticks him off!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"This is just a trial separation, right?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

Should have paid your mortgage.
Inga Koujak, Greensboro

FYI---- I'm raising the kids as nondeciduous!
Kevin Little

"It's loose leaf pick up day, we were all supposed to wait until tomorrow!"
Rob Black, High Point

"Aim for the gutters, it will buy you some time."
Deadpan

"What are you doing? It's still spring!"
Brent Wooten,, Thomasville

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
. . .and then the old artist Mr. Behrman stepped in.
Joan Lux Greensboro
Kudos to Joan for the O. Henry story reference

(A couple songs made the entry)
"Tell Roger Williams to knock it off. Enough already."
Don Byers, Greensboro

(Singing)Start wearing purple for me nowwwww....
(can't get that song out of my head)
Tim Tribbett
Thanks. Now, neither can I.

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Tell Mr. Pike to STAY OUT OF MY SCOTCH!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Auuuggh,you're going to break your spleen doing that!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Let's blow over into Rickard's yard.I love to piss that guy off!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Why, I oughtta …

Let's land in Rickard's yard! He uses such colorful language!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
That does it! I do not use *&%@#$&*!%@%!!@$#$$%^#^>%* language!!

Aaaaaaahhhh,a leaf with eyes!!!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Watch your step. Rickard's down there with a rake.
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
Dang talking leaves! Go ahead and fall!

"The paper said we have until December 3rd!"
(city leaf collection in case anybody was wondering where that came from)
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"Quick...Gimme a caption for this week's cartooooooon!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

BEST POEM
Kilmer said he would never see, A poem as lovely as a tree, My question though is when in school, Did the children think him uncool,Cause when you have unlimited choice,Who the heck names their boy child Joyce!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Just a little ditty!
I think that I shall never see
a poem as lovely as an old tree.
Dead leaves, empty branches,
not much of a show,
But wait I see a snowflake as White as can be,
More and More, they are covering me.
Oh how, beautiful Death can be!
Nancy Nelson

BEST/WORST PUN
I'm leafing you!
Hugo Ruberg
And a dozen others, but he was first.

I also like the double-pun here. A two-fer
"I went out on limb for you and you leave"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

"Next time you'll hang for rustling."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

MATURE
The hands down winner this week from Deadpan:
"Just remember, a leaf blower isn't as great as it sounds."

Also:
Careful where ya land! Don't bust a nut.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I'm not dropping.There's a big pile of dog poo down there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)Honey,when you get down there lay really still and play dead.Just pretend we're having sex!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Sorry about that Bob, I think I'm getting too much fiber!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

If you fart it will slow your fall considerably!
(Ok ,I will try to stop for the week but I could do another 50 at least
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Watch our for bears!. I shudder how they would use you!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Take care. Don't step on a rake or land in dog poop!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I'm Sorry...it was the Spicy Chimichanga!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

DON'T GO!! There's a hunter with no toilet paper going #2 down there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

If you fart it will slow your fall considerably!
(Ok ,I will try to stop for the week but I could do another 50 at least)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
See Don's note above.

"Sorry I gassed you."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

BEST ATTEMPT AT FORCING TOGETHER THEMES FROM TWO DIFFERENT CARTOONS
I left a reference from the previous (Mt. Rushmore) week on this week's blog about the cartoon being inspired by the election. Bob Mannary, ever game, decided to take a crack at mixing politics and leaf falling. Not a bad effort.
(The blog says that this week's theme is inspired by the recent election although I don't get it here's what I got)
"It'll be alright...he'll be a good president..."
"John...wait...there's always 2012..."
"Wow...you're falling faster than the stock market..."
"Wait...we're getting bailout money...don't go yet..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

THE REST
I'm leafing you!
Hugo Ruberg

1.)Count to three then pull the cord.
2.)GO LIMP,GO LIMP!
3.)See ya mulchy !
4.)When you get down there tell them I'll be right down.
4.)Hey,I wasn't finished with my oral history of the roman empire part III!
5.) I think you did that on purpose!
6).Summer breeze,makes me feel fine …
7.)Was it something I said?!
8.)I'll be a while.I'm trying to break the record!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Tim, if you ever leave veterinary medicine, you could have a fulfilling career (like me) as a frustrated, unsuccessful cartoonist.

1.)So cathy says to me ,she says..hey where ya goin?
2)Careful where ya land! Don't bust a nut.
3)Parting is such sweet sorrow.
4.) I'll Tivo Two and a Half Men for you.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

He's falling and he can't get up!
2. So you're falling for me!
3. So you're falling before me!
4. I told you this would happen!
5. Please don't leave me!
6. Please don't leaf me!
7. I can't live without you!
8. Baby come back!
9. Now do you beleaf me!
10. I told you to get more sun!
11. This happens every year!
12. Don't worry I'll be by your side soon!
13. I'm barely hanging on.
14. I will not fall, I will not fall!
15. It's my last leaf stand!
16. Stay away from the blower, the rake and the mulcher!
17. I told you to drink more chlorophyll.
18. I told you chlorophyll would leave you!
19. I won the bet, I won the bet!
20. Don't let them mulch you!
21. This blows my mind!
22. When the winds blow more that just cradles fall!
23. Aim for the flowerbed, they never rake there!
24. Stop, drop and blow!
25. I'm not going down without a fight!
26. Whimp!
27. I'm a survivor! 28. Where are you going?!
29. This relationship is over!
30. It'll be lonely without you!
31. I'm waiting for Santa!
32. Good things come to those that wait!
Nancy Nelson

"You should've gone before you left."
Ken Layton, Carthage

You didn't yell "Geronimo"!
Ken Layton, Carthage

33. Tsk, tsk!
34. Don't roll your eyes at me!
35. Tee hee hee!
36. Take the road less traveled!
37. Your covers been blown!
38. You're just cold!
39. I'm shaking like a leaf!
40. Brr! 41. I feel a little shaky.
42. You're coldblooded!
43. You stopped taking your chlorophyll supplements ,didn't you?!
Nancy Nelson

" There's Hope, I Can See a Mayflower Coming!"
" Glide ~ Baby ~ Glide ! "
" We're the reason they call it FALL ! "
" Happy Landing ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Did you have a good summer? "
Jo Ann Newman, High Point

Look out below Sarah they have dogs.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"Make like a feather, that's Forrest Gump below."
"GERONIMO, my friend ! "
"The Gravity of this Situation Becomes You !"
"Float ! An Acorn & Persimmon just Crash !"
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"You are leaving. Slow, slow. I hear, Goodbye !"
Your " Goodbye ! " Fills my Blue Sky.
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Eve, Don't leave me hanging..."
Jeff McKeever - Greensboro

Sam is falling from Grace
Jeff McKeever - Greensboro

"... the answer is blowin' in the wind."
"Freeeeee faaaaallllllll."
And then there's a thing called a rake.
Oh, you'll be around -- these people are LAZY!
I may be a rake, but I'm not THE rake!
So what is the City leaf-pickup schedule this year?
You're headed straight for a plastic bag!!!
Joan Lux, Greensboro
The city leaf pick reference was good, but needed just a bit more than just a reference.
See the runner-up on the same theme.

44. It's WonderFall!
45. Fall in!
46. I Am Not a Rotten Egg!
47. I won't kick you while you're down!
48. I'm praying they've lost the rake!
49. Dead leaves don't make a pretty picture!
50. Maybe it'll be warmer down there.
51. I'll see you down under.
52. We're old, dull, wrinkled and unappreciated, it's time for us to leave!
53. I'm not falling for that joke!.
54. Looks like the Jokes on You!
55. I miss you already!
56. Dead leaves tell no tales!
57. Tell Tom turkey not to wait around for me!
58. Save me some pumpkin pie!
Nancy Nelson

Our family had such a great time doing these and we could not just pick one
so here are a few.
Honey you're not taking the fall alone, I am right behind you.
Mohammed Koujak, Greensboro

Honey don't worry you will spring back.
Mohammed Koujak, Greensboro

Should have paid your mortgage.
Inga Koujak, Greensboro

You're a leaf, uh no a plane, Oh, I know.you're the stock market.
Amiera Sawyer and Inga Koujak, Greensboro
This got at least one vote from our judges

Crash and burn baby, crash and burn!
Amiera Sawyer-Greensboro

Change is coming. I hate to tell ya, but it's gonna get worse before it gets better.
Inga Koujak, Greensboro

They didn't bail you out?
Inga Koujak, Greensboro
I liked this one

I've got three words for you; should have voted!
Amiera Sawyer-Greensboro

1.) (singing) It's the circle of life …
2.) I don't care! I wanted the branch to myself anyway!
3.) Geronimo!!!
4.) And just when we turned such a pretty color too!
5.)You go ahead.I'm in no hurry to rot and decay!
6.)Don't do it dude.You have too much to live for!
7.) No ,I'm not coming down.I found me some superglue!
8.)Don't leaf me!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Chad: "I'm hanging here for a recount."
Sheryl: "A Change will do you good."
I can't believe you fell for that joke.
"I want to be alone."
The stock market isn't the only thing in free-fall.
When you drop in on the comedy club they will have you on pines and needles.
I don't think that this is the type of Change Obama had in mind
I told you that you should have tried Rogaine
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

1.)Better you than me!
2.) I'll call 911!
3.)Oh, I see how it is! Wham bam, thank you maam!
3)Don't forget to write.
4.)If you see a bright light try to float towards it!
4.)Ok, we go on three. 1,2,3,psych!! SUCKER
TIM TRIBBETT,GREENSBORO

1) "I told you those glue sticks never work."
2) "Even now you're giving me the silent treatment?"
3) "Leave if you want, I'm riding this season out this time."
4) "I thought you looked a little redder than usual."
5) "I know this is lover's leap, but there's this evergreen."
6) "What do you mean, 'duck!'?"
7) "He didn't say 'Simon Says fall off the tree'"
8) "Ok ok, next year we can fall at your mother's house"
Grady, Greensboro
Loved number four

"That's very good! Now take a deep, cleansing yoga breath and slowly rise back to the limb."
Judy Glazier, High Point
I liked this one. Kinda metaphysical.

1. Obama: "Now this is truly change we can believe in."
2. I got a feeling we're both going down.
3. I think I'll just hang around for a while.
Linda K. Woodard, Greensboro

I've fallen and I can't get up.
Marty Marshall, Greensboro

"This is just a trial separation, right?"
"I'm sorry. I just haven't fallen for you."
"What do you mean we're drifting apart?"
"Yeah, the leaves are always oranger, yellower, and redder on the other side
of the yard, right?"
"You're going to get yourself burnt if you don't listen to me!"
"Have fun roasting with the S'Mores!"
"You're heading straight for the burn pile!"
"No, I didn't call you here just to drop you."
"I'm just not ready to settle down."
"We're not on the same page. I want to branch out; you want to settle down."
"Commitment? It seems like a headlong plunge to me!"
"Pick your major and quit drifting through life, son!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

1.) I told you not to swing so much.
2.)Auuuggh,you're going to break your spleen doing that!
3.) How unoriginal!
4.) I'm going to try a somersault half twist combo with a backflip!
5.)Well,I guess that answers the question if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you too.
6.) I'm staying up here! That big leaf down there said he was going to kick my ass!!
7.) I'm not into the mindless sheep mentality thing.
8.) I'm not coming down.I've discovered the wonders of Velcro
9.)Not you too!
10.) You idiot,it's still spring!
11.) Wow,the obits are going to be full tommorow.
12.) I'm holding out for a last second cure!
13.) I will always remember you leaf #407,087. Or was it #407,086?
14.) I'm not dropping.There's a big pile of dog poo down there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) Tell them to quit yelling jump,jump, jump!
2.) I have to do this at my own pace.
3.) I guess I rocked your world a little too hard there baby!
4.)Don't do it! He only won a 4 year term!
5.) Where did you learn to hover like that?
6.) DON'T GO!! There's a hunter with no toilet paper going #2 down there!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'm glad you're leaving."
"I hope you crash and burn."
"Timberrrrrrrrr."
"Eject, you fool, eject!"
"Remember, watch out for that kid with the sucker."
"Only now do I see your true colors."
"And to think once I was green with envy."
"Next time you'll hang for rustling."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Liked the eject one …

1.) When he said unimaginative he really wasn't kidding !!!
2.) Tell Mr. Pike to STAY OUT OF MY SCOTCH!!!
3.)While you're down there grab me a beer.
4.) I'll meet you over there by the pile.
5.) I'll wait until he has the yard completely raked.That really ticks him off!
6.)OH MY GOSH,Larry just got impaled on a rake prong!
7.) I'll fall the second he finishes raking!
8.) You're gonna get stuffed in a Hefty!!!
9.)Do you smell smoke?HE'S BURNING THE PILE!!!!
10.) My momma didn't raise me to be no compost!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Let's blow over into Rickard's yard.I love to piss that guy off!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'll be right there, I need to change first"
Rick Earl, Greensboro

"It's loose leaf pick up day, we were all supposed to wait until tomorrow!"
Rob Black, High Point

1.)Honey,when you get down there lay really still and play dead.Just pretend we're having sex!
2.)Hey,our strategy of playing dead and hoping not to get raked has been revised to BITE,BITE,BITE!!!!!
3.)Let's land in Rickard's yard! He uses such colorful language!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

" No ! I'm not going to the Autumn Leaves Festival with you. "
" The color of your fall coat becomes you ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Pleeeez don't leaf me
Hally Lee Rankin

" No Way I'm Falling For You ! "
" Mama always told us, " Dyin' was part of Living. "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I may sound sappy but please don't leaf me Annie Oakleaf !
2.)Compost and a movie tonight?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Oh come on honey, don't leave me hanging"
Dana Smith, Greensboro
Are you "leaving" me?
Dale

"Tell Roger Williams to knock it off. Enough already."
"Oh great. Leave me alone with Charlie Brown"
"Say goodbye to photosynthesis"
"It's not easy being green."
"What part of deciduous don't you understand?"
"Our ancestors were involved in 'The Great Adam and Eve Cover-up.'"
"Don't feel too bad. Our relatives are celebrities in Toronto."
"Hey, if you're lucky you might end up in a family Bible."
"I think they call it a seasonal disorder."
"Last one down is a pile of mulch."
Don Byers, Greensboro

I can't believe you fell for that again.
WWBD (What would Bucky do)?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH my spleen!!!!!!!!!
It's fall BACK, not down! (reference to Daylight Saving time)
Marcia

Don't leave now, we were just getting acquainted!
Heli Benson, Greensboro

Caption: "I hope you are not falling for me!"
Bob Fuller - Greensboro

Hey, Barry, just because my name is Jeremiah,
you don't have to distance yourself.
Hally Rankin

I'm going to stay here. Sooner or later, you're going to be mulch.
I enjoyed our summer together. Let's do it again next year.
Hally Rankin

1 I'm going to stay here. Sooner or later you're going to be mulch.
2 I enjoyed our summer together. Let's do it again next summer.
Hally Rankin

Sorry about that Bob, I think I'm getting too much fiber!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

How can you do this to me? You're going to go and leaf me all alone!
I know I know! Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

59. Leave me alone!
60. Leaf me alone!
61. Parting is such sweet sorry!
62. Alone at last!
63. But you promised to stay by side forever!
64. I'm just "Stayin Alive"!
65. Nothing lasts forever!
66. Goodbye old pal.
67. Beauty is short lived.
68. Life is just too short!
69. You're grounded!
70. Don't worry you'll get recycled.
71. I told you to hang on tight!
72. Leaf on, leaf off!
73. Let is snow, let it snow, let it snow!
74. Job reduction! 75. You're fired! 76. Sorry no bailouts for us!
77. Quitter!
78. It's hard to let go!
Nancy Nelson

1.) I'm not letting go until I see some firemen with a trampoline down there!
2.) I told you to do those stem strengthening exercises!
3.) I googled leaves and compost.I'm staying up here!
4.)I googled leaves and Fall.The future looks pretty bleak Bob!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro(I'm sure you saw the falling leaf joke at the start of B.C. this Sunday)
Dang cartoonists stealing my ideas … grumble, grumble …

"You can forget about the 'golden parachute', those days are over!"
Heli Benson, Greensboro

1.)The tree lied! There's no free doughnuts down there!
2.) If you fart it will slow your fall considerably!
(Ok ,I will try to stop for the week but I could do another 50 at least)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So much for "Mr. Noncomformist"!
That's right, Bob! I am now a licensed insurance agent, and-----hey, Bob!
FYI----I'm raising the kids as nondeciduous!
Kevin Little
Liked all three of these

1) "Don't leaf me, sweetheart"
2) "I'll see you soon"
3) "Hey! Tie a yellow ribbon, oakay?"
Bill Beerman, Greensboro

" Told You I'd Be The Last Mohican ! "
" Don't Worry ! We'll Rise Again in a Squirrel Nest next Spring. "
" We'll Spring Back in a Squirrel Nest ! "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I wish I was born an Evergreen."
"Hey! Where is everybody going?"
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, FL

Aaaaaaahhhh, a leaf with eyes!!!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (got a second wind)

Don't do it! Mulch is so over-rated.
Heli Benson, Greensboro

My entry for this weeks funny page is "Touch her, and I'll mow you myself".
Andrew Bravo

You go ahead, I'll be there in a few days.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

"I guess you're not a hanging chad anymore."
Janet

1. You're leafing me?
2..I'm sorry I said, "drop dead."
3. Where are you going? You haven't changed color yet.
4. What do you mean I look like their dog?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

(Singing)Start wearing purple for me nowwwww....
Tim Tribbett(can't get that song out of my head)

1. "COUGH - sorry about that."
2. "Hey, this is suppose to be a tandem jump."
3. "I knew you'd fall for me."
4. "So long good friend, you were the best rustler on the tree."
5. "Bad timing dude, the leaf compactor just arrived."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

79. Fall out!
80. I see you're going on vacation without me!
81. You're being blown away.
82. I'm crushed!
83. Good luck with the job interview!
84. This can't be good for the economy!
85. Blow the man down!
86. The answer, my friend, is blowin in the wind!
87. This wind is disgusting
88. Don't play with matches!
89. Stay away from match.com! or
90. Stay away fron matches.com!
Nancy Nelson
Liked number 83.

You can Fall but you can not hide!
I knew this would not last.
I look forward to spending the Winter in the compost with you
Rick O"Reilly, Greensboro

"Take care, I'll miss you very mulch."
"Remember to specify plastic or paper to the lawn boy."
"Your cremation request should be honored, he's got a burning permit."
"Maybe it's just a trial separation.
"That's what happens when you go out on a limb."
"Is the elevator on the fritz again?"
"I said pesticide not suicide."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
The elevator one was cute.

"That's not going to happen to me. I exercise."
I wasn't always this beautiful.
Dropping out of the show already?
What afterlife? You're going to the compost pile.
What happened? Did you run out of Clairol?
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Watch your step. Rickard's down there with a rake.
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Afterlife?!" It's a compost pile."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
Nice.

"I leafing on a jet plane ... don't know when I'll be back again."
"You're a little yellow - I want a nice, deep, brown ..."
I see that you are turning a new leaf ...
"Tell me the punch-line. Don't leave me hanging."
"I can't believe you fell for that one ..."
"I Can't be-leaf that you fell for that one ..."
"Those people from ACORN just called to make sure that you voted. "
Jon Barsanti Jr

" I'm Leafing on a jet plane - don't know when I'll be back again."
"You are not the Terminator ..."
I can't believe that you fell for that one
You are a little yellow - I hanging in for a nice brown color.
"The people from ACORN just called to see how you voted..."
No More piling on ...
Two leaves left on the tree, two leaves on the tree, if one should fall, rake it around, one leaf left on the tree ....
Is this the kind of change Obama was promising?
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"See you in the compost heap!!"
"Don't leaf me so soon!!"
"Be sure to bend your knees before you hit!"
"First fall? Don't worry. You'll be either shredded, burned or composted!"
"I won!" Last leaf hanging!"
"Take care. Don't step on a rake or land in dog poop!"
"Hope to see you on the same branch in Spring!"
"I will be true; won't turn over a new leaf!"
"Watch our for bears!. I shudder how they would use you!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1. "I'm hanging by a stem"
2. "Hey, don't leave me, now"
3. "Hey wait, next year, same place?"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

"Who's laughing now?!"
"Aim for the mosh pit."
"What are you doing? It's still spring!"
"You're supposed to be yelling "Geronimo!"."
"I'll be down in a few minutes."
"We were supposed to go on three."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1) " Try to get stuck under the windshield wiper. "
2) " Just remember, a leaf blower isn't as great as it sounds. "
3) " Aim for the gutters, it will buy you some time. "
4) " I win !!! "
5) " Find the others and meet me on top of the pile. "
Deadpan
Nice ones, Dp.

"Pull the cord! Pull The Cord!"
"See...I told you you'd fall for me eventually..."
"Russell...Come BAAAAAACK!"
"You know they hate it when you drop in unannounced!"
"Oh...so you wanna race huh?"
"I've fallen for you too Gladys..."
"Show Off!"
"Leaving So Soon?"
"Leaf it to you to be the first one down..."
"They grow up so fast..."
"Don't Worry...It's closer than it looks...I Swear!"
"What about the 5 bucks you owe me?!?!?!"
"I'm Sorry...it was the Spicy Chimichanga!"
"I hope you stick the landing..."
"Keep your mind out of the gutter!"
"The paper said we have until December 3rd!"
(city leaf collection in case anybody was wondering where that came from)
"Wait...Wait...I need a Four Letter word for Autumn..."
"Quick...Gimme a caption for this week's cartooooooon!"
(The blog says that this week's theme is inspired by the recent election although I don't get it here's what I got)
"It'll be alright...he'll be a good president..."
"John...wait...there's always 2012..."
"Wow...you're falling faster than the stock market..."
"Wait...we're getting bailout money...don't go yet..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Many good ones here, one of which barely missed the last slot open in runners-up.
(I really liked the crossword one — very clever)

"I went out on limb for you and you leave"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

. . .and then the old artist Mr. Behrman stepped in.
Don't fall on Mr. Porter's head; he's here for inspiration.
That poignant story was about an ivy leaf, but . . . .
See you at the compost heap.
It was fun while it lasted.
I'm shakin' and quakin' but I'm not letting go.
Compost is good -- well, except for the worms.
Mr. Porter comes here each day for inspiration.
That's Mr. Porter down there; he's writing a story about us.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Unless you know this particular song this caption won't mean much....But here goes:
" Some glad morning when this life is oer' , I'll fly away …
LET's FLY !! "
"Hey, what's your hurry - wait for me - she won't rurn me loose "
Pat Vaughn, Madison
Actually, I'm very familiar with it. It was an old standard in my church back-in-the-day.

"Just had to get away from all those nuts up there uh?
Gray Amick, Greensboro

" Turning a New Leaf, are You ? "
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington,

"Hope you don't land flat on your face."
"Sorry I gassed you."
"Always talking about leaving me."
(Leaves Talk). Thanks for leafing me high and dry."
"Here, reach for my hand."
"Promises, Promises, Promises."
"I am going to tell your Moma!"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

1. Sorry you had to leave so early.
2. See you next fall.
3. I knew you would fall for me someday
Cheryl Lowe, McLeansville
Nice one, number three.