Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
Someone mentioned that this may have been my best cartoon yet as far as generating ideas. Hard to argue with that seeing how all of raised your game this week. This allowed our judges the luxury of being REALLY picky.
Not enough entries from Jrs. this week to have a JR. category winner. Remember, if you’re 12 or under, put that in the subject line of your e-mail.
See you on the blog.
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
WINNER
"By the way, you were right. It wasn't the antenna. TV went digital, or something."
Kevin Little
RUNNERS-UP
Those gutters are STILL full of leaves.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
I don't know who you are, but do you mind if I bring my grandson in here and tell him that you were skateboarding?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
“You’re looking better today.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
“I stubbed my toe this morning. You have no idea how much it hurts.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
"I found my purse - that big guy didn't take it afterall."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Your 9-1-1 call about the bear is on-line if you want to hear it.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
“Maybe ballet isn’t for you.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Bet you won't say "Hold my beer and watch this" again.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Remember, we have that dance tonight.
Ann Morrow, Greensboro
JUST FOR FUN
From Tim Tribbett ...
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
I can’t believe it. Now PETA’s upset at the White House cleaning staff for killing bacteria.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Just one more question, Mr. Favre. Are you going to retire now, or are you going to play one more year?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I think you've disproved that apple a day saying Mr. Jobs.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
BEST TOP 10 LIST
"Since this is our final goodbye, there are a few things you should know about me:
1. My real name is Hank
2. I used to be a lumberjack.
3. I killed Michael Jackson.
4. I once had a torrid love affair with John Kennedy.
5. I once had a torrid love affair with Orville Redenbacher.
6. I once had a torrid love affair with Carrot Top.
7. I had a one night stand with your best friend..and his wife.
8. You know that rash I had? Well...
9. I was in the grassy knoll.
10. Marilyn Monroe? I nailed her."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Bob,I told you not to keep teasing Mr. Rickard about his blog photo.\
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
What have you and Brewster been up to this time!
Nancy Nelson
Tim, I told you this would happen if you kept letting your Tribbett cousins win the contest every week.
M&C Riley
I told you that you shouldn’t tell Rickard you didn’t like his cartoons, but did you listen? Nooooooooooooo…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
And tell your friends too …
"I told you not to crash that porcupine class reunion."
Gray Amick , Greensboro
"You really shouldn't beat yourself up when you can't think of a caption for JOU!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
Tim, I told you this would happen if you kept letting your Tribbett cousins win the contest every week.
Mike Riley, Jamestown
"Boy, Tim must have really had it in for you... no way to eat, drink or poop....and your IV isn't even hooked up!!"
(sorry, that's the nurse in me speaking :)
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
MATURE
"Oh my gosh, I think I just gave you four Viagras."
el Tuggle, Archdale
“Sorry about last night, but I like it rough.”
“Have they removed my foot from your ass yet?”
“No, I’m not scratching you there!”
“I warned you that Viagra and Jack Daniels don’t mix.”
“Drunken naked bungee-jumping?”
“Drunken naked water-skiing?”
“Drunken naked square-dancing?”
“Drunken naked tightrope-walking?”
“I didn’t realize colonoscopies were so rough.”
“A drunken naked game of Twister?”
“Drunken naked pillow-fighting?”
“When they brought you in, you were naked, bleeding, and yodeling.”
“Maybe we’re too old for the Kama Sutra.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
I can always count on you for this category, Bob.
Tim, you sure this was a routine circumcision?
Mike Riley, Jamestown
SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY
“Wow, I didn’t realize clowns got that angry!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
BEST POEM
Skippy thought he was going to be cool
And impress all the girls at his school.
He attempted a dive.
Now he’s barely alive
Since the water was drained from the pool.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
Can I call the repairman NOW?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
“Good news. You’ve already got 10,000 hits on YouTube!“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Maybe you shouldn't get right back on that particular horse.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
THE REST
"Does it hurt?"
Hilda Martin, Mayodan
1.)Those gutters are STILL full of leaves.
2.) Maybe you shouldn't get right back on that particular horse.
3.) How did you like running with the bulls?
4.) But I WAS holding the ladder until my cell rang.
5.)Would you like to reconsider your comments regarding the size of my caboose?
6.)When's my next driving lesson?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
1.)Sooo,how did your first MMA fight go?
2.) Bob,I told you not to keep teasing Mr. Rickard about his blog photo.
3.) Aside from THAT did you have fun on your ski trip?
4.) I think your GPS is trying to kill you.
5.)Sorry but I'm not scratching there.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
So, do you want me to call the man now?
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro
Next time, slide Charlie Brown!
Carlos Yañez, Greensboro
Well, look at the bright side. Your nose is just fine.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
If I'm not here to help, don't order spaghetti and meatballs again
I threw away your homemade bungee cord.
I never realized what a big nose you have.
You'll do anything to keep from going to my family reunion.
Sort of takes the shine off our anniversary this week.
What patent were you trying for this time?
Was it worth trying to be on America's Funniest Home Videos?
Bet you won't say "Hold my beer and watch this" again.
Like when I was sick, there's a pile of dishes waiting . . . .
Cat's stuck in the chimney, snakes all over the yard, you better get well soon.
Joan Lux Greensboro
Tell me. How did you do all this by just sneezing?
Ken Layton, Carthage
Well, why did you annoy the cat in the first place?
Fred! Is it you, Fred?
At least your nose and right hand fingers seem to be fine
Does it hurt?
Do they think you'll be out for Aunt Maud's birthday bash tomorrow?
Well if you are going to ignore me, I'll go!
Just like a man, only thinking about yourself!
How big was this step you fell down?
They think you might win the State bandaging competition.
Constricting, isn't it?
Try not to get too excited.
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
Hate to tell you at a time like this, but your hospital insurance lapsed last week.
Ken Layton, Carthage
They say you'll live. (Damn it!)
Ken Layton, Carthage
You daft bloke! I knew you wanted to be more like your mummy, but this is ridiculous!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Time for visits to wrap up, oops, sorry !
Where does it hurt ?
Stop worrying, the non-stick bandages are worth it !
Let's wrap it up, mom's got to go !
Look on the bright side, all your friends can sign in !
You always said you were too wrapped up to talk to mom !
Are you still too wrapped up to talk to mom ?
Where you want my autograph ?
See what happens when you drop Aflac Accident !
So you're the banana peel litterbug !
Kind of early for Hallowen, isn't it ?
Doc said put a bow on you and don't open till Christmas !
You're too wrapped up in yourself !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
1. I told you not to cast your eyes on those beach bunnies!
2. You never listen, I told you the brakes were bad!
3. That's what you get when to tell an old lady to hold the ladder!
4. I brought you in to this world and I can still take you out!
5. I told you to call a roofer!!
6. Well I guess this means we won't be dancing at the class reunion?!.
What have you and Brewster been up to this time!
7. You're too old for bar fights!
(Tim I'm stuck on I told you themes)
Nancy Nelson
This will break us !
Your horse is OK !
Son, your antics just break me up !
Don't you think we should break up, dear ?
Now we're really broke, you know !
It just breaks my heart to see you like this !
This just breaks me up !
I think I'm having a break down too !
I know just how you feel, I once broke my little toe !
Give me a break !
Your brakes need fixing !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
"Didn't I teach you to look BOTH ways before crossing the street?"
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point
Where'd you say it itches
They said your brakes need fixing !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
Are you just going to hang around and suck blood all day?
Jim Humphrey, Reidsville
1.) I told you being a bounty hunter was dangerous.
2.)That roofs not gonna fix itself ya know.
3.)You're sooo insensitive. You landed in my prize begonias.
4.)Maybe you shouldn't use a cell phone when you skydive.
5.) You're lucky that cactus broke your fall.
Tim Tribbett
So, NOW do you think you want to be like that guy in "Grizzly Man?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon
"I would know your nose anywhere."
James O. Durham -Greensboro
Do you have any change for the vending machine?
Tony Hummel, Reidsville
Mom's straightening up your workshop -- feel better now?
Just keep repeating "it doesn't itch, it doesn't itch."
Not having to cook and clean up the kitchen made the food taste good to me.
Big black bears in Guilford County -- who would have thought!
And then you screamed like a girl.
Your 9-1-1 call about the bear is on-line if you want to hear it.
You almost gave that bear a heart attack.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
"Tell me where it hurts."
Anne Hylton, Eden
Well, The good news is that your nose isnt broken....
Wendy Green , biscoe
"The last thing?I said to you was?' Be Careful', You never listen to me!"
"It is hard to believe your nose did not even get a scratch on it!"
"No more skydiving for you!"
" I?never noticed how Big your nose is!"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
The doctor said you'll need a rhinoplasty, too.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
Lucy Peterson say's her husband just paid a guy 50 bucks to trim her trees!
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach
1.) Can I call the repairman NOW?
2.) You shoulda just called the guy.
3.) Think carefully next time I ask if I look fat in something.
4.) Darn,you're a little tougher than my last four husbands.
5.) I SWEAR it's just a coincidence I bought that big life insurance policy on you.
6.) Would you like to continue your "I wear the pants in this family" speech?
7.)They won't let me pull the plug.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
"By the way, you were right. It wasn't the antenna. TV went digital, or something."
"The doctor asked us all to help out, so I shortened this weekend's honey-do list."
Kevin Little
Next time I ask you if my dress makes my butt look big I would appreciate a response other than “ It’s not the dress dear!”
Dean Tribbett, Va Beach
1) Well, you never were much help around the house!
2) Life of the party, huh?
3) Your left leg looks great!
4) All wrapped upb and no place to go!
Bill Beerman, Greensboro
1. Tim, I told you this would happen if you kept letting your Tribbett cousins win the contest every week.
2. So maybe buying a Smart car wasn't?
3. Tim, I'm sorry it itches but I'm not scratching it!
4. Tim, you sure this was a routine circumcision?
M&C Riley
1.) They really should measure those bungee cords.
2.)That was one extra stretchy bungee cord.
3.)You should see the other guy.His knuckles are really bruised.
4.) Good thing that bed of poison ivy broke your fall.
5.) Tommy says he's really sorry he left his skateboard there.
6.) I see you've cleared the air with your wife Governor Sanford.
7.) You were right.Those were Hell's Angels I cut off.
8.)You need to either quit the bomb disposal squad or switch to decaf.
9.) Saying "grab me a cold one sweet thang" at a NOW convention wasn't wise.
10.) The sign clearly said NOT to feed the bears.
11.) So it's settled.The toilet seat stays down.
12.) I bet when THAT tree fell in the woods you heard it.
13.) It's hard living up to the Knieval name Sidney.
14.)Thanks for defending my honor dear.
15.) I put some chicken soup in your IV bag.
16.) I think you've disproved that apple a day saying Mr. Jobs.
17.) Maybe karate camp isn't the best place to break the news about Santa.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
1.) You won your $10 bet. Would you like to see the hospital bill?
2.) I blame myself for naming you Cissy.
3.) I'm going to have a little talk with that big bully's mother.
4.)Remember when I said does "does this dress make my butt look big" and you said "No,the enormous amount of fat does that"?
5.)They still haven't gotten your motorcycle out of that tree.
6.)Blue Cross claims this was a pre existing condition.
7.)They said it would be easier to tell me what wasn't broken.
8.) Only a moron plays chicken with a train.
9.)Your father and I are big believers in tough love.
10.) That was one tough preschooler.
11.)You won your bet.Yippee.
Tim Tribbettt, Greensboro
"Where does it itch? Point!"
"I need you to sign a predated insurance application!"
"That's it for your canyon jumping career!"
"How did the first day as a stunt man go?"
"Where does it hurt?"
"Who are you?"
"What time do you think you'll be home for dinner?"
"Sorry. I ordered only a "lite" rough up!"
"Want me to cancel the dance lessons?"
"Do you remember that we're having company tonight?
"Signal if you want the TV on!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
1.) Tommy wants to use you as a prop in his report on ancient Egypt.
2.) You'll do anything to get out of a visit from my mother.
3.) Faker! 4.) Well,it was one heck of a fireworks display dear.
5.) Don't forget to take your fish oil supplement.
6.) I'm crossing that off the Honey do list.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
"The man said shutup, Stanley, not stand up."
Hal Koger, McLeansville
1.)Maybe NEAR the Grand Canyon would have been a better GPS destination.
2.)The nurses say you've used some really bad words.
3.) My fault? I want you to know I'm really hurt.
4.) If I had known your tie was caught in the door I would have stopped hours earlier.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I told you that you shouldn't tell Rickard you didn't like his cartoons, but did you listen? Nooooooooooooo.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
"I told you not to crash that porcupine class reunion."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
"Don't feel bad. He was much bigger than you are!"
John Koppel, Greensboro
"The little neighbor boy, Timmy, wants to know if you've seen his skateboard?"
"Now remember, Tuesday is trash day."
"Oh my gosh, I think I just gave you four Viagras."
"Boy, my bunion is really killing me."
"Was that pepper I just spilled on you?"
"Dang that's the biggest brown recluse spider I have ever seen."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Well, the good news is you've managed to win America's Funniest Home Videos.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
"Okay...let me get this straight...all your friends jumped off the cliff, so you did too..."
Julia Stevens, Greensboro
So, I take it you've been telling people you're giving bonuses out again at Goldman Sachs?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Just one more question, Mr. Favre. Are you going to retire now, or are you going to play one more year?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
"That's the last time I ask for a night of romance."
"I'll see you tomorrow - I left the t.v. on Lifetime for you."
"My hero - You just kept pounding that guy's fist with your face!"
"I found my purse - that big guy didn't take it afterall."
"Next time you show off your diving skills, make sure there's water in the pool!"
"Don't think you're getting out of mowing the grass."
"Since I don't know when I'll get this chance again - let's talk about our feelings."
"I told you I hate it when you question my femininity."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
1.) Don't worry dear.I've hired Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon.
2.)Hold up one finger if you need to go #1 and two fingers for #2.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
"Sorry about last night, but I like it rough."
"Got anything else to say about my meatloaf, funny guy?"
"Have they removed my foot from your ass yet?"
"What can I say? I'm a mean drunk."
"No, I'm not scratching you there!"
"I warned you that Viagra and Jack Daniels don't mix."
"There was a slight complication during your tonsillectomy."
"Have no fear; my mother will be here to help give you a sponge bath."
"How many times have I told you not to taunt the squirrels?"
"You were stage diving at a Kenny G concert??"
"You tried to milk a bull?"
"Don't worry, you're in good hands with Dr. Kevorkian."
"You wanted two catheters put in at the same time?"
"I'm going to try and swipe some morphine for myself."
"Don't you worry one bit. The garbage will still be waiting for you at home."
"Wow, I didn't realize clowns got that angry!"
"If it makes you feel any better, that male nurse sure seemed to like you."
"Drunken naked bungee-jumping?"
"You idiot! It's cow-tipping, not bull-tipping!"
"Never steal from a girl scout."
"Probably wasn't a good idea asking her when the baby is due."
"Never get in the way of Oprah at a buffet."
"Drunken naked water-skiing?"
"I have never been more attracted to you."
"Drunken naked square-dancing?"
"Am I getting better learning how to drive?"
"Never taunt a mime."
"Drunken naked tightrope-walking?"
"Maybe ballet isn't for you."
"Don't blame me. You're the one who wanted to get a hamster."
"I didn't realize colonoscopies were so rough."
"If you want to be put out of your misery, just grunt."
"I guess next time you won't forget to leave the seat down, will you?"
"A drunken naked game of Twister?"
"Bedpans and catheters and thermometers...oh, my!"
"You're not the same man I married. You've become so hardened."
"My secret lover wanted to know if your life insurance is current."
"Maybe dressing up as Hitler wasn't a good idea after all."
"Drunken naked pillow-fighting?"
"When they brought you in, you were naked, bleeding, and yodeling."
"Maybe the Chippendales just aren't for you, Earl."
"Maybe we're too old for the Kama Sutra."
"Next time you want to see if you can fly, start from the ground first."
"Don't mess with Grandma."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
"Find your own bed pan, I told you to lay off the prune juice."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
"Oh Lord I wish you had used your Old Spice deodorant before they wrapped you up."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
The next time I say take out the garbage, jump!
I told you to click it.
You just didn't believe I knew Karate.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
1.) If you see a bright light it's just because I opened your window blinds.
2,) You made quite a dent in my Caddy mister.
3.) I thought I was on the curb so that's why I kept pulling forward and backing up.
Tim Tribbett,DVM
"Well, the reception is some better, but you still didn't get the satellite dish in the right place."
Reta S. Beck, Greensboro
1. “You’re looking better today.”
2. “Where you ‘Running with the Bulls’ or trying to stop them?”
3. “Can I get you a Kleenex or something?”
4. “Frank, I hardly recognized you without a remote.”
5. “Now don’t let this ruin your day, but mother has agreed to move in with us.”
6. “Maybe you should stop teaching those Anger Management classes.”
7. “Don’t worry dear, Mummy’s here.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Did you get the milk & bread I sent you for?
Don't let them give you a laxative!
Did the airbag work?
No wonder you don't like going to the dentist.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
1) " You know better than to tell someone in Wal-Mart how to raise their kids ! "
2) " The police say they can't begin the search if the only description you can give is of his fist. "
3) " I stubbed my toe this morning. You have no idea how much it hurts. "
4) " Now you know. They prefer to be called little people. "
5) " Good news, you were the first to the bottom of the mountain. Bad news, it doesn't count if you fall off. "
6) " Apparently I don't have a passenger side air bag. "
7) " Look at the bright side. Since we couldn't move you, he didn't get the parking space. "
8) " All you had to do was take the garbage out, but NOOOOO ! "
9) " Things are starting to get better. You won last night's America's Funniest Home Videos ! "
10) " I'm guessing Jim is sensitive about his toupee. "
11) " That's as good as it gets and it won't get that good again. I want my money by tomorrow. "
12) " Next time, don't just assume it's touch football ! "
13) " The sign said, DON'T tease the gorilla ! "
14) " I may have gone a little overboard, but I kept telling you I didn't want to cross the street. "
15) " When the officer asks, you'll tell him you hit me first if you know what's good for you. "
16) " If you gonna hunt a bear, you might want to shoot him more than once."
17) " That one irritable bowel you got there ! "
18) " I'll admit I overreacted if you admit my gravy isn't lumpy. "
19) " So that's why they say not to feed the ducks. "
20) " I swear I thought I put the brake on. "
21) " If you think I'm gonna scratch that you've got another thing coming! "
22) " When I say pass the remote I mean pass the remote ! "
23) " I guess you WOULD jump off a bridge if your friends told you to. "
24) " Don't act like you can't hear me, I've already checked with the doctor. "
25) " I'm sorry but how many times do I have to ask you to wipe your feet? "
26) " Good news. You've already got 10,000 hits on YouTube ! "
27) " You should have gotten permission from Major League Baseball. "
28) " Dick Cheney's surprisingly agile for a man his age. "
29) " I told you not to make eye contact with me until I've had my coffee."
30) " Sorry, I forgot to tell you I drained the pool. "
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Here's Ginger's entry for this week's cartoon:
"I suppose this means that you won't be mowing my lawn this week?"
"You would do Anything to get out of mowing the lawn, wouldn't you?"
Ginger Best, High Point
"Don't worry about your lottery ticket; you only got 5 out of the 6 so I threw it out."
"Good News!!! THAT Man called that you've been waiting for!!! You got the job!!!"
"They tell me that the tonsillectomy went a little wrong."
"I don't know who you are, but do you mind if I bring my grandson in here and tell him that you were skateboarding?"
"Arthur, do you mind if I bring the will in here and have you sign it? I made a few changes."
"I TOLD you not to get a nose job."
"They tell me that a Dr.Kavorkian is coming to see you."
"Don't you recognize me? It's 2039 and I'm your wife Angelina. Naw, I'm messin' with you; I'm your son's wife."
"I tried to bring you my famous Hungarian cabbage, onion, anchovie, black bean pie, but your roommate paid me $20 not too....so I'm goin' shopping."
"Ok, now I'm going to sing you all of the opera's that I know."
"Boy, Tim must have really had it in for you... no way to eat, drink or poop....and your IV isn't even hooked up!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Tim, I told you this would happen if you kept letting your Tribbett cousins win the contest every week.
Maybe your buying a Smart car wasn't!
I don't care if it does itch....I'm not scratching it!
Tim, you sure this was a routine circumcision?
Mike Riley, Jamestown
"You really shouldn't beat yourself up when you can't think of a caption for JOU!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
8. Don't think this is going to get you out of doing your chores!
9. Is this what they call a casting fall?!
10. Any excuse not to take me to the family reunion!
11. I'm not getting on your casting couch!
Nancy Nelson
I see that your middle finger still works.
I'm not so sure that is you - something doesn't look familiar ...
That will teach you to buy front row seats at WWE Smackdown ...
On the positive side of things, you wanted a year's sabbatical ...
Now explain to me again how not wrinkling your suit was a good excuse for not wearing your seat-belt ....
I'd say the train won ...
Welcome back from Pomplona ...
You'll do anything to get out of doing the dishes ...
Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough
