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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Ronnie Seagraves  Greensboro

JR. CATEGORY WINNER

"Most people wouldn't consider billiards a barbaric sport but...."

Anderson Ragan, 12, Caldwell Academy 

PSYCHIC ENTRIES (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

A first! Our Jr. category winner is also our over-all winner!
It’s always a gamble to do something like this. I never know if you are going to understand my intentions. A few of you didn’t, and sent in regular captions. But most of you got it. There were a lot of good captions. Our judges were all over the board.
The Jr. division is ages 12 and under. Please include your school also.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON

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WINNER
Puffed Mice
Jordan Frye, age 10

RUNNERS-UP
Unlucky Charms, Now with more leprechaun
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Human content based on weight not volume.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

Geese's Pieces
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

Mini Shrunken Heads "A smile in every bite"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

“Bayou Bites…. A lost scout troop in every box.”
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Fruit and Fibrous Material"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

“Quaker Bites – All of the taste – None of the Fight”
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

Honey Bunches of Goats
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

TRAIL MIX--- SLOW HIKERS (all parts) + FAST HIKERS (toes only)
Kevin Little

PSYCHIC ENTRIES (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Psychic Entry for March 12, 2062:
"Roll over Beethoven"
Gray Amick
I’m sorry, but in 2062, the definitive caption will be: “But I thought YOU brought the Moose!”

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
The cereal box should say:
"Zeeba bites"
(in handwriten lower-case letters)

ZEEBA KRUNCHYS *NOW WIFF MOR FRES ZEEBA MEAT
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
Someone’s been reading “Pearls Before Swine.”

BEST/WORST PUN
"I've never been in de-Nile, but I did once eat a Tigris."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"Wild pig for dinner every night is becoming such a boar."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Mr. Rickard, I like to tear and swallow. So, the jokes on chew."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

MATURE
Kellogg's Ape nuts
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST POEM
Eating breakfast, I heard the croc utter,
"These ingredients make my heart flutter!
Right there! After the bran,
It contains Peter Pan!
I'm mistaken. It's just peanut butter."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Another masterpiece

OTHER CAPTION VOTE GETTERS
Tastes like you ambushed it yourself
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Water Hole Losers - Chucks. Bits & Parts Variety Pak
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Kellogg's Frosted Mini Meats
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Mice krispies,snap,crackle,squeal
Tim Tribbett

Chihuahua-O’s…Part of a Complete Breakfast!
Mac Lane, High Point

THE REST
"Zeeba bites"
(in handwriten lower-case letters)
Eli Oklesh, Gibsonville

"Each flake contains 300 per cent of all the sugar an alligator will need in a lifetime. . ."
Ken Layton, Carthage

“Mix 1/2 box of dried pygmy leg chips with 2 cups wild gnu milk. Add a pinch of ground rhino horn, Stir well.."
Ken Layton, Carthage

Hope they never stop running those "Lost" ads for Steve Irwin.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Chihuahua-O's.Part of a Complete Breakfast!
Mac Lane, High Point

NEW! From Swamp Alley
GO GREEN FOOD CHAIN
It was STILL MOVING when we
packaged it!!!
Bone 50% RDA
Muscle 25% RDA
Innards 65% RDA
Flesh 45% RDA
Hair 2% RDA
AND BEST OF ALL IT STINKS!
I loved the line “still moving when we packaged it”
I think that by itself would have been a much stronger entry

STAY IN THE SWIM OF THINGS!!!
New GERIATRIC Formula contains
ground-up bones, flesh, and prunes
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Human Flakes!
Nancy Nelson
Good. simple

It is "Gnu and Improved!" The gnu tastes much fresher than before!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
There’s a good idea here. Maybe just the first part?

Meat Flakes Fortified with Real Human Parts!
Nancy Nelson

Cereal for the Adventurous Alligator
Disclaimer: Eat at your own peril
(How many alligators are allergic to peanuts anyway?)
Cereal for the Health-Conscious Alligator
Coupon inside for a free toothbrush
Vegan Alligator Cereal
Never mind what's in this box
Use soy milk on it and you're halfway there!
Joan Lux, Greensboro

1.) Honey Bunches of Goats
2.) Ingredients:corn,artificial zebra flavoring,corn syrup
3.)Unlucky Charms,Now with more leprechaun in every bite.
4.) Quaker instant goatmeal
4.) MonkeyOs,now with more monkey
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Also liked goatmeal and MonkeyOs

1.) Kellogg's Frosted Mini Meats
2.) Fiber None shredded meat
3.) Kellogg's Ape nuts
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Hmm... For only 19.99 and five boxtops, I can a pair of human shoes.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Frosted Flesh, its more than just skin, its dermatastic!
Anderson Ragan

1.) Meaties,the breakfast of Chompians
2.) Kellogg's raisin man
3.)Kittens and KaboodleOs
4.)DarwinOs,what it takes to survive!
4.)Ingredients:wheat,marlin perkins artifcial flavoring,high fructose corn syrup
5.)Honeycomb Kids
6.) PeopleOs,now with more australian
7.)Amos Moses arm bits
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"The Breakfast of Champions". Go Gators!!
Julia Clouse, Oak Ridge,

"Wild pig for dinner every night is becoming such a boar."
"What am I eating - Nut and Bunny!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1.)Honey Bunches of Goats
2.) Hey,Hey It's the Monkeys
3.) Chef Boyryoudead
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

The taste of revenge! YANKEE DOODLE DUNDEES
CHILI CON CARNIVORE (with vermincelli)
NILLA WADERS
Bayou-Bayou Birdies
Rocky Rodent (with peppermint squirrels)
Kevin Little

"Breakfast of Champions, my eye. I don't taste a single one."
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

"Hmmm, tasty; Toasted Oats and All the Other NCAA Teams"
Brenda Rambach, Greensboro

1. "Hmm, never knew zebra nuggets were so full of vitamins."
2. "Love these "Frosted Frog Flakes"."
3. "So, "Honey Nut Herons" have blue dye #6 added for realistic fun."
4. "Watching the ant farm during breakfast is fascinating."
5. "Yummmm, "Cocoa Buffalo Puffs" Yummmmm."
6. "Cool, here's a recipe for chocolate lizard cookies."
7. "This new box-set TV is the best ever!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1.) Post AlphaBites cereal.
2) Rice a roni,Gnu flavor
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I was the only species to survive evolution and all I got was this box of cereal.
We've had 65 million years to come up with something better tasting and we are still eating this mess!
Made for the manly alligator! Enough nutrients to make you last long enough to impregnate 15 women!
Last mating season, did you only service 5 ladies? By eating this for 6 weeks, you'll be able to raise that number by at least 50%!
Kelly Frye, Greensboro

Apex Predator Chow, Ingredients:Everybody else
2.)VH1 Chow with Spice girl,Salt N Pepper,Sugar Ray,Red Hot Chili Peppers
3.)Soylent Green helper.Just add people.
4.) Post Death RollOs
5.) Uncle Ben
6.)Honey Bunches of Oh my gosh is that an alliga.....
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I liked that last one

HONEY BUNCHES OF TOADS
TRAIL MIX--- SLOW HIKERS (all parts) + FAST HIKERS (toes only)
REESE'S PIECES (and his fellow campers)
Kevin Little

3. The box say shut up, Steve!
4. Human meal fortified with insects, shrimp, fish, frog, snake and mammals!
5. Crispy Critters
Nancy Nelson

Peeples - Now with more fat!
Catherine FitzGerald, Greensboro

These Zebra and Wildebeest flakes are Grrrrrrrreat
This diet is lacking protean!
I've come this far in evolution and nothing on the box to read
This generic meal is for the humans
Generic wildebeest sucks
Just as I thought, dried animal parts
This beats lying in muddy water for months for a meal
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro

6. Charming Varmin!
7 Condensed Fish just add Swamp Water!
Nancy Nelson

I'm so disappointed. Cap'n Crunch doesn't taste anything like Cap'n Hook.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

1. Missionary Munchies Hi in Calcium and Vitamins
2. Water Hole Losers Chucks. Bits & Parts Variety Pak
3. Mini Shrunken Heads "A smile in every bite"
4. Food Chain Bottoms "Tasty, Tender" Freeze Dried
5. Road Kill Mix A mix from antelope to zebra "low in cholesterol"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Croc-O`s! Crunch your cousins!"
"Boat Oats! As tasty as the real thing!"
"Puffed Mice"
"Cereal for gators! It`s cereal... for gators."
"Loot Loops! A more rare taste than the real thing!"
"Moatmeal. Just add moat water!"
Jordan Frye, 10

" Cream of Irwin ! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro
Too soon

"Meat flakes - 10% more meat, less sodium. Eat with bbq sauce"
Ciara Tolbert, Nathanael Greene Elementary, Age 10, Julian

1.) Honey Bunches of Goat
2.) Ingredients:corn,artificial zebra flavoring,corn syrup
3.)Unlucky Charms,Now with more leprechaun in every bite.
4.) Quaker instant goatmeal
4.) MonkeyOs,now with more monkey
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Ripped,mangled,gnashed & torn flakes
2.)Coco coated critter crispies
3.)Ambush helper,just add prey
4.)Quaker instant bits,critter flavor
5.)Tastes like you ambushed it yourself
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

What? Only two arms per box?
Elaine S.

1.)Captain Crunchy's Crispy critters
2.) Spicy Minced Poodles with whole grain noodles
3.) Dried chunks of putrid skunks
4.) Piece of rear of a terrified deer
5.) Parts of a baboon and half a raccoon
6.) Pieces of moose marinated in juice
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Mice krispies,snap,crackle,squeal
Tim Tribbett

"Now, with more spleen." That reminds me... I've got to check out today's comics.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
By all means. They’re not just for breakfast anymore

"How can I get a get a square box in a round bowl"
Louise Adcock, Siler City

KAYAKER'S ELBOW MACARONI
MUST-BE MUSKRAT LOAF
BITEY CROC-ERS BROWNIES (and other scouts)
CROCODILE ROCK CANDY
Kevin Little

Hmmmmmmm........Animal by products,,,,,I hope it wasnt any body I knew,,,,,
Robert Belton

8. Instant Gator Taters!
Nancy Nelson

ZEEBA KRUNCHYS *NOW WIFF MOR FRES ZEEBA MEAT
Find a finger in the box and win a prize!
Now with real bits of people!
More "people-clusters" than ever before.
Caution may contain items found in or near a swamp.
Caution may include one or more of the following: twigs, rocks, leaves, humans.
Caution processed in a plant that processes tree nuts.
Human content based on weight not volume.
Not responsible for any jewelry found in box.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

"Honey bunches of toads"
"Frosted Franks"
"Fruit and Fibrous Material"
"Nut Bran"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

A lucky human finger in each box. Collect all 10!
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

Geese's Pieces
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

1. SNAP & CRUNCH Free *life size gator inside box. *just add milk
Think outside the box But never wrestle with your thoughts.
Arm & Arm With honey cluster fingers
Free list of local swimming pools inside box.
Ahhhhhh-Ahahhhhh-ahahhhh!!! Call of the wild cereal. *free loincloth inside box
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Shredded Meat"
"Alfie's Bits"
"Fruity Peoples"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Shredded meat and Fruity Peoples are also good.

Quit buying unlabeled groceries. The savings just aren't worth it.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

If you have to know what's in it you aren't really hungry!
Old-Fashioned Goodness - All the flavors you grew up with in the sewers of New York City
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Some good ideas here …

"Lucky Chum Cereal - Four flavors: One Hit wonders, Reality Stars, Politicians, Former Celebrities."
"Gator Bites: Small mammals, Turtles, and Fish."
"Cream of Golfer"
Jon Barsanti, Hillsborough
I like “cream of golfer”

"Quaker Bites - All of the taste - None of the Fight"
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

1) i knew we could get TIM TEBOW on the cover of this cereal box!
2) aaah, i have always loved lucky arms!
3) what a rip off, i didnt find a toy inside.
4) mmmmmmmm, this is what i call captian crunch!
5) this cereal is good but thats the biggest posted note ive ever seen
6) wow, i love the MARSH-FELLOWS in this cereal...tasty!
7) i was right, it says right here this is a square meal
8) after this i am going to have to leak my lizard.
9) these instant MARSH-POTATOES really arent that bad!
Don Olson
The Marsh-Fellows one had potential

"Bayou Surprise.... Fortified with whatever has been disposed of in the swamp."
"Bayou Bites.... A lost scout troop in every box."
"Gator Grub.... Packed full of slow tourists."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"Hmm. 5 box tops for a pair of Crocs. I'm worth more than that alone."
"This is better than that New York sewer food".
"Mmm. Gazelle bites like ma used to make."
"I could show him Cap't Crunch."
"Win a free trip to Florida? Been there, done that."
"My Lucky Charms? Yeah, they're called teeth."
"911? Yeah, I've found that lady with the alligator purse."
"Snap, Crackle, Pop. Sounds like an ibex at dinner time."
"Win a new Impala! I've soooo got to enter this".
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"Mr. Rickard, I like to tear and swallow. So, the jokes on chew."
"Croc Pot. Prescription required, available only in California and Alaska."
"Yup, this carcass is better in the Croc Pot."
"I've never been in de-Nile, but I did once eat a Tigris."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

Swamp Rats
Mini Meat Bits
Death Roll Bites
Nancy Nelson
The death roll bites had potential …Maybe shorter - simply a box of “Death Rolls”

"Hmmm, I could swear I have a shirt with that guys picture on it."
Kay Watterson, Browns Summit

Canal Chow
AqueDUCK Flavored
100% artificial ingredients
FREE Everglades map inside!
Gray Amick

Next week’s cartoon is a little different. We have an alligator eating ... what? That’s for you to decide. What does the box say? Is it cereal? What kind? Some kind of “helper” that would appeal to gators? Some kind of “instant” meal? Maybe a list of ingredients or nutritional info? It’s up to you.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

By the way, the Jr. division is ages 12 and under. Please include your school.
Kudos to Tim (Tribbett) from Marsha Elam
"Tim’s caption was priceless this week. A good caption transports the reader into the cartoon. Great job!"
I thought this was a nice change-of-pace from the comments Tim usually gets from people who are tired of seeing him win.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON

WINNER
"So it smells too bad to eat. Can we market it as a roll-on?"
Rus Rilling, Madison

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"We were doing fine with that client until Sparky here had to soil their linoleum."
Anderson Ragan

RUNNERS-UP
“But Davenport, your resume stated you were housebroken.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro

“What do you mean, you ‘ate your report’?”
Michael L. Creech, Springboro, OH

“That is not why it’s called ‘Hump Day’!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

Bad Dog!
Tony Hummel

"You assured us that you Could learn new tricks."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"The deal wasn't closed because somebody never learned how to shake!"
Kevin Little

We lawyers do not chase just any vehicle. ONLY ambulances!!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

PSYCHIC ENTRIES (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
"Walk, don't run."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

“Another June Bug bites the dust.”
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Darrin,your mother in law is starting to get on my #$%& nerves!
Hee hee. Think “Bewitched”
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So it was YOU who modeled for the “Two Guys Named Chris” logo!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"We're only wish that you had told us up front of your Baskerville connections."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
I know how you feel. Things are ruff all over.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

“Let’s take a moment to paws and reflect…”
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY
Woof, woof, woof!
Nancy Nelson

BEST INSIDE JOKE
What do you mean Dr. Tribbett’s no longer a part of our HMO?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"You can't blame it on the bear this time!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
(reference to an old JOU cartoon of people were sitting around a conference table with one guy obviously torn up by the bear also sitting at the table)

BEST POEM
Since the dog board was missing its aim,
They were looking for someone to blame
When a brown cocker spaniel
They know as Ol’ Daniel
Had lowered his head down in shame.

His confession was quite an eye-popper.
“Yes, it’s I who’s the corp’rate show stopper.
I let Yogi and Babe
Both get hired away.
Now they work for our city’s Grasshoppers.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE
You disappoint me, I thought you had balls.
or just:
....And I thought you had balls.
Andrew Labaziewicz, Jamestown

“That is not why it’s called ‘Hump Day’!”
“When I said you needed to get a leg up in this company, I didn’t mean that!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

OTHER TOP CAPTIONS
You said you were housebroken on your resume!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

All those in favor of calling Jenkins "a bad dog,a very baaaad dog" say aye.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

For that slip-up, you are no longer allowed to use the executive hydrant!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"No quarterly report, unless Jenkins here is no longer sticking to his story that his owner ate it."
Kevin Little

We go outside to do that!
Tony Hummel

"The economy has gone to the Dogs! This is the chance we've been waiting for".
Bob Fulle,r Greensboro

You called in sick last week, but we have pictures of you playing poker.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Bad dog! Baaaaaaad dog!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

You ruined the company and still gave yourself a 10 million snausage bonus?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Someone hand me a rolled up newspaper!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Next time you get kennel cough please call in sick!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'm afraid that we're putting you out to pasture, you're just not an indoor dog."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
How ‘bout, changing “putting you out to pasture” to “we’re letting you go”? Stays with the business theme

“We’ve had reports you’ve been seen with a lap dog.”
Bill Wallace, High Point

"I don't care who's in heat. Be on TIME!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

“You’ll have to excuse Max; he just reviewed his 401k9 statement.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro

THE REST
You called in sick last week, but we have pictures of you playing poker.
I know how you feel. Things are ruff all over.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

1.) Bad dog! Baaaaaaad dog!
2.) No scooby snacks for you!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Why can't we makes "Dog Days" a holiday?"
Glenda Layton, Carthage

This business has gone to the dogs, and we like it like that.
Ken Layton, Carthage

"Mr. Rover has moved we vote on using our bailout money to give each of us bonuses of 1,000,000 dog treats. Do I hear a second?"
Ken Layton, Carthage

1. "Well, it smells like ...., but what about the taste,"
2. "Get your head up and act like a professional,"
Margie Ellington, Reidsville

"We checked your credentials. You ain't nothing but a HOUND DOG!"
Pat Grant, High Point

1. What do you mean you were doing your business?!
2. Woof, woof, woof!
3. Shame on you, couldn't you find a tree!
4. I told them it was time for a change!
4. This business has gone to the dogs!
5. This business is being taken over by humans!
6. Dog gone it! 7. Who did this?! 8. Is it edible?
9. Sorry, It's time to downsize starting with you!
10. That isn't funny! Nancy Nelson

"Last warning, Benson. No squeaky toys at board meetings!"
"No quarterly report, unless Jenkins here is no longer sticking to his story that his owner ate it."
Kevin Little

Bad Dog!
What do you mean there are no more puperoni's?
Don't you wag that tail at me!
We go outside to do that!
I can't believe you sniffed her butt in front of all of us!
I don't care how much she meowed, you cannot eat the secretary!
What have you been rolling in?
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Tony Hummel, Reidsville

1.)You said you were housebroken on your resume!
2.) Looking at these sales figures I can see very little reason for tail wagging Jenkins!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

When we said we wanted Charles Barkley, we meant the basketball player, not your brother-in-law!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Why the long face, Pointer?
Just remember, it is a dog eat dog world!
Who ate the kibbles and bits?
Next time you go for a run, leave the buses alone!
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

What do you mean Dr. Tribbett's no longer a part of our HMO?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

No, no, we're going to take turns castigating you.
You have a hang-dog face, but is your tail tucked between your legs?
Give it up, Rover, we're not naming another car after you.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Everybody, were talkin bout the horrid economy"
"DONT LOOK AT ME WITH THAT FACE!!!""
Hunter Williams, age 8

You disappoint me, I thought you had balls.
....And I thought you had balls.
Andrew Labaziewicz, Jamestown

"In human years you’re over 50, with no new tricks; sooo….
"You missed five hydrants last night.
"Let’s take a moment to paws and reflect…
"No more General Motors?"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

Well, I’ll be dog-gone.
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

What's it take to motivate you, cutting your salary & benefits to the bone ?
I'm not here to teach old dogs new tricks, You're Fired!!!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

You ain't nothin but a hound dog, cryin all the time !
I could write a song about you, cryin all the time !
You ain't never caught a rabbit, you ain't no friend of mine !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"So it smells too bad to eat. Can we market it as a roll-on?"
Rus Rilling, Madison

1.) In hindsight "puts your loved ones to sleep" was not a wise slogan for our dog bed division.
2.)What genius decided we should import chinese dog food?!
3.)Jenkins in this office we do not whine ,we do not whimper and we most certainly do not %$#& howl!
4.)All those in favor of calling Jenkins "a bad dog,a very baaaad dog" say aye.
5.)When I ask for a report on our financial status I expect more than just "ruff"!
6.) You ruined the company and still gave yourself a 10 million snausage bonus?!
6.) If I ever find out who gave me #$%& ringworm.....
7.) You're saying your boy ate your presentation?!
8.)Rex,getting a taxpayer bailout and then raising interest rates would be biting the hand that feeds you!
8.)Hmmmm,I can see how your nose got so brown.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"We were doing fine with that client until Sparky here had to soil their
linoleum."
Anderson Ragan
.:Jesus Freak:.

1.) BACON,BACON,BACON is not the solution to every problem Rusty.
2.)Someone hand me a rolled up newspaper!
3.) We lawyers do not chase just any vehicle.ONLY ambulances!!!
4.) On the bright side your imported chinese dog food did increase profits in our veterinary medical supply division.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"We didn't receive the reports because somebody chased off the mailman!"
"The deal wasn't closed because somebody never learned how to shake!"
Kevin Little

"Okay Rex, if you're finished licking yourself, can we continue with our meeting?"
"Can anyone explain the puddle on the floor?"
"Rex, your sales are way down. I think you've been dogging it."
"What do you mean, you 'ate your report'?"
Michael L. Creech, Springboro

"The economy has gone to the Dogs! This is the chance we've been waiting for".
Bob Fuller, Greensboro

Why the long face Stanley?
Look Stanley, you're taking this sniffing thing to far!
When you raise your leg you don't kick the hydrant
As alpha dog on your block, you have to use the hydrant on your street
You're alpha dog, not top dog
At one time or the other, you've marked all our hydrants
What gives you the right to mark every hydrant in the city?
You must drink a lot of tea to mark that many hydrants
You're man's best friend, not ours
You've been wagging your tongue, not your tail
When you catch the car, you can't drive it
One more comment like that and you're be in a Chinese burger
OK, who let the no no?
Ok Stanley, didn't you know we all could smell that SBD
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro

"Care to explain why the cat population is up 50% in your district?"
"You haven't bitten a single mailman this quarter!"
"I can't believe you sold inside information for a Scooby Snack!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I dont care if your owner switched you to ole roy that is no excuse!"
"Why do you insist that we switch to ole roy?"
Kristyn Carter Reidsville

"Why are you promoting beggin strips, how many times have we been over this!"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville

"It has come to our attention, Jenkins, that you've never caught a rabbit."
"Just one more mistake Parker and you'll be in the doghouse."
"Oh, so you want to play hardball, huh?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1.) I can't believe you did that on my graph easel!
2.) Next time you get kennel cough please call in sick!
3.)Of course the company is going to the dogs you idiot!
4.)Yes,it's a dog whistle and we can all hear it so please calm down!
5.) Someone here has been marking my parking spot!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Dag, I didn't know dogs could talk!
When I said more business I didn't mean on the front lawn
When you walk at lunch time, take this bag with you
Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to the new top dog
It has come to our attention that you are no ones best friend!
We hear you've been dating a cat, what's up with that?
You're suppose to chase your own tail!
Ronnie Seagraves

11. What do you mean, it's none of my business!
12. Sniff all you want, it's our newest technology, Odorless Doggie Do!
13. I hope you brought enough to share! 14. Is that Pup-peroni I smell?!
15. I bark out all the orders around here! 16. If you want that, you have to sit up and beg!
17. No, my bark isn't worse that my bite! 18. So bite me! 19. I know it' a Dog Eat Dog World but where's Old Yellow!
20. I know it's a Dog Eat Dog World but who ate Lassie!
21. Our production is down and our product stinks!
22. You ain't nothing but a hound dog!
23. Arf, Arf, Arf! 24. If that's what I think it is, you're a dead dog! 25. It's a Begging Ball!
Nancy Nelson

"Our policy is we ride, NOT chase, the company limo!"
"We all clean up our own mess!"
"The Milk Bones were for all!"
"Howling at the moon after the company dinner was a "bad dog" thing!"
"We just don't lick ourselves in public!"
"Your paw prints are all over this pouchie scheme!!"
"Hunting seasons is no excuse for poor sales!"
"We allow one day off, NOT eight, for birthday!"
"You ate ALL your dog food sample kits?!"
"Peu! What did you eat?!"
"Forget her. She's a kennel wrecker!"
"Until we see improvement, there will be a tight lease on you!"
"I don't care who's in heat. Be on TIME!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Personally, I think your statement is too dogmatic and I believe you are barking up the wrong tree"
Hilary England, High point

"Will you kindly stop hounding us with your stupid ideas"
John England, High Point

"Harrison, noisy humans keeping you up at night is no excuse for sleeping during this meeting."
Marcia James, Jamestown

"Harrison, noisy humans keeping you awake last night is no excuse for sleeping on the job."
"Harrison, noisy humans keeping you awake last night is no excuse." (shorter)
"Harrison, humans keeping you awake last night is no excuse." (even shorter!)
Marcia James, Jamestown

1. "Don't give me that hang-dog look!"
2. "I know you're secretly wagging your tail under this table!"
3. "Now do you understand why I told you not to invest everything with Madoff?"
4. "That sad-eyed puppy look is not helping you Warren."
5. "I said, "Think outside the box.", NOT wink at Misty Fox!"
6. "Rex, We are not here to discuss Boneuses!"
7. "We advocate teamwork and will not tolerate "dog eat dog"."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"Who left the puddle under the table?"
George Cornett, Greensboro

No, Bowser! Bad CFO!
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"That is not why it's called 'Hump Day'!"
"When I said you needed to get a leg up in this company, I didn't mean that!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

I see one holdout, but the majority rules -- it's cat food for lunch!
Joan Lux, Greensboro

For that slip-up, you are no longer allowed to use the executive hydrant!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Don't you have a dog in this fight ?
Will your performance improve with the dog days of summer ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Doggone it, Hound Dog ! Stop cryin all the time !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Smith, I'm giving you Jones' accounts so you'll have to re-mark your territory."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Well, it looks like management bonuses will be substan.......WHO's making that thumping sound?
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach, VA

1. "We are never going to finish this meeting if you don't control those whimpering outbursts!"
2. "Okay, who scattered flea eggs in the VP's office?"
3. "So, who wrote "Dogs Drool Cats Rule" in the mens room?" (reference to the movie "Homeward Bound")
4. "Thanks to Wally, we have a new policy to review called, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you."
5. "Dog-gone-it Mitchell, pay attention!" (I kinda like this one...short and sweet)
6. "Wilbur, congratulations for keeping your nose to the wheel, your tail held high, and fetching us such high profits."
7. "Well, the cat's out of the bag now, isn't it mister?"
8. "Mr. Waggles! We do NOT sit up and beg!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

Yes, Yogi, I know everyone does it. Just not in center field.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

1.)Your idea should have been bring your daughter AND a pooper scooper to work day!
2.) Somebody get a pooper scooper and a plastic bag!
Tim Tribbett.Greensboro

So it was YOU who modeled for the "Two Guys Named Chris" logo!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

26. Every dog has its day!
27. I'm putting you in the dog house!
28. You look dog tired.
29. I'm the top dog around here!
30. Go see a man about a dog! ( Tim, hope you know this one.)
Nancy Nelson

This is why it's called a dog-eat-dog business !
Hotdog ! You're fired & I'm giving myself a raise !
No ! You can't take a hydrant break !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"I've passed out the new assignments so everyone please mark your territories.
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. We’ve decided to outsource your job. Lying around, chewing shoes, and napping will now be handled by a vendor.
2. Rough poker night?
3. Pull yourself together, we don’t rub bellies abound here.
4. You’ll have to excuse Max; he just reviewed his 401k9 statement.
5. Don’t be ashamed, brownnosing is sort of par for the course around here.
6. Which dog dragged you in?
7. Who let you out last night?
Tom Normanm, Greensboro

1. "Jim, you're relationship with Toto is not going to help you here at Warner Brothers."
2. "Woof woof yap woof yap growl!"
3. "You can't blame it on the bear this time!"
I guess that's all. I've had a "howling" good time. (I know, corny.)
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1.)Darrin,your mother in law is starting to get on my #$%& nerves!
2.) When I said we needed to mark out new sales territory I didn't mean THAT WAY!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Looks like we're going to call Cesar Millan in on this meeting
Gentledogs, I'd like to introduce you to Cesar Millan
Stanley, I have scheduled a meeting with Cesar Millan for you
Ronnie Seagraves Greensboro

"When I said 'Dog-Eat-Dog' I didn't mean literally!!"
David Holley, Greensboro

Your Kibbles with No Bits idea has been somewhat less than successful.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"We note you've been cryin' all the time."
"You assured us that you Could learn new tricks."
"Is it true?...you ain't nothin' but a hound dog?"
"We're only wish that you had told us up front of your Baskerville connections."
"It seems that you failed your last smelling test."
"We've arranged for you to see a therapist about your fear of foxes."
"I'm afraid that we're putting you out to pasture, you're just not an indoor dog."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

Fido, If you are going to run after cars you need to know what to do when you catch them.
Submitted by Trip Brown

"Spike - It's about your water cooler behavior"
Nancy Brown

But Davenport, your resume stated you were housebroken.
You?re the only one that voted for the sniff technique over name badges.
I?m sorry, the owner ate my homework excuse won?t cut it.?
First you shed all over the lobby and now you forget the cover sheet for
your TPS report.
Your PowerPoint presentation resembles a stupid pet trick.
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Sorry, but dogs just aren't interested in chewy toys anymore. We need to move on."
Ciara Tolbert, Nathanael Greene Elementary, Age 10, Julian

"Not only did you eat last week's chart, but the remains were found in the litterbox at Cat Corporation."
Jonathan Sparrow-Greensboro
 

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
Happy Birthday to Jordan and CC!

WINNER
Oh,I forgot I need three gnats and a dung beetle for my class project tomorrow.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"I wanna grow up to be CHARLOTTE one day!!!"
Jordan Frye, age 10 today!!!

RUNNERS-UP
Mommy, I thinked I webbed the bed again!
Dave Bohannon, High Point

"Great, now I feel like I have humans crawling all over me."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Hey Mom, Can I surf the web tomorrow?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

What's a Tuffet?
Frank C Leonard, Lexington

"Well, if that's what happened to Dad, I don't want a girlfriend."
Frank Freeman, Greensboro

"I won‘t be able to sleep unless you check under my bed for rolled-up newspapers."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"I miss Dad. Sorry you ate him."
Kevin Little

PSYCHIS ENTRIES (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
(cue eerie music...) (No, not the music from Raiders Of the Lost Ark... something more... ethereal) (Oh Great. Now, I've got the music from the "Ark" stuck in my head.")
"Only my hairdresser knows for sure."
"You had me at Hello."
"Use your Indoor Voice!"
"Why is the sky blue? Heck, who knows how anything works... look at Donald Trumps hair."
"Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!"
"I could really go for a nice Chianti and some fava beans....smp...smp...smp..."
"Just when WERE you planning on telling the kids about the birds and the bees??"
"Phlebitis? I thought he said "Flea Bites"... well, that's a relief!"
"I didn't forget...I just didn't rememer."
"Shhhhh, I think he's sleepwalking again. Last time he gave me the safe combination."
(music from Raiders of the Lost Ark gently fades into silence...)
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
…and then Barney said "Gomer get down there with them spiders."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"So Spiderman would never have existed if it hadn't been for you?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
Enough reading, let's search the web.
Leroy Clark, Greensboro

Grandmother, they get married in a big webbing at the end !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

No whey!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Oh come on mom.....Please read me another Webtime Story......
Robert Belton

SO ENIGMATIC IT'S FUNNY
"We really need a TV"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville

BEST INSIDE JOKE
I don't want to hear "The Cat in the Hat." It reminds me of the Meow Mix jingle.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I sure hope that's a picture book because you can't read with no mouth!
Nancy Nelson

I just love Brewster Rockit though, don't you?
Your friend Bucky

"It was those glasses and hairdo that scared Miss Muffet away, right?"
"Uh, it's sort of hard to hear you without a mouth."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

BEST POEM
I like stories! I want to hear more
About webs and the like I adore.
The most popular yet's
Where the whole internet
Was invented by V.P. Al Gore.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Ken, your limericks kick a**!!

The twitter glitter spider
walked out into the street
out came the iphone
so she could catch a tweet
and she sent an e-mail
to Tim for J O U
then the twitter glitter spider
set off to see the zoo.
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

MATURE
"Mom, what is that hour glass shaped spot above Uranus " ( inspired by Bob Beitzel )
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"I like Dice's version of Little Miss Muffet better."
"This time, make Little Miss Muffet a crack whore."
"What the hell are curds and whey?"
"Curds and whey? Sounds more like ‘Big Ass Muffet' to me."
"Climbing up a drain spout during a rainstorm? The dumbass deserved to drown."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

OTHER TOP VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
Did you pack me a fly for school?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Enough reading, let's search the web.
Leroy Clark, Greensboro

Mom, exactly what is a tuffet?
Dianne Holcombe, Greensboro

"You and Dad went out for a bit, Where's Dad!?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Mama, can I get a red hourglass tattoo on my stomach like Kelly?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

THE REST
1.) Can I have a glass of bug juice?
2.)Is this the part where you kill and eat dad?
3.)Did you pack me a fly for school?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.) Is this the part where you whitewash what you did to dad?
2.) So that mean ol' hobbit stabbed the poor innocent spider?!
3.)Why isn't dad in our photo album?
4.)Will you leave a firefly on for me?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Oh,I forgot I need three gnats and a dung beetle for my class project tomorrow.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.)Mommy,can I have a drink of waterbug?
2.) That little miss muffet is a $#%&.
3.)Well,more curds and whey for the spider I guess.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

If I have to listen to Isty Bitsy Spider one more time I'll go mad.
Diane Johnson, Siler City

"Not Little Miss Muffet" again!
Ben and Shirley

Mom, exactly what is a tuffet?
Mom, why did MIss Muffet run away?
Dianne Holcombe, Greensboro

Is that the story where aspiderspinsawebtosaveapigandeverybodyishappybutshedies? No. I haven't heard it.
Ken Layton, Carthage

I'm tired of hearing about Charlotte.
Glenda Layton, Carthage

Do the part of the pig in a high, squeaky voice.
Ken Layton, Carthage

I don't care what she says, Ma! Miss Muffett had it coming!
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"Grandma, why are there only females on our family tree?"
"I'm living a life of quiet futility, crawling up the water spout!"
"I just seem to suck the life out of everyone around me."
"Why do we always choose a corner lot?"
"Is it politically correct to call me itsy-bitsy?"
"Mama, you're not chubby. You have a fine hourglass figure."
"Is this material suitable for minors?"
"Grandma, can you leave two flies on the nightstand in case I wake up hungry?"
"It just doesn't seem right to pray for flies, bees, and caterpillars to wander into our web."
"What's wrong with a burger, fries, and smoothie every once in awhile?"
"The takeout menu has no vegetarian choices."
"Grandma, why should I select a plump, juicy husband when I grow up?"
"Large, plump and juicy...is that the same as tall, dark and handsome?"
"Why do all of our fairy tales end with Tastily Ever After?"
"I thought the girl and the guy are supposed to live happily ever after, Grandma."
Kris Voy, Trinity

1. Why are we always the villains in these stories?!
2. Mom, you're scaring me! Humans can't be that bad!
3. That itsy bitsy spider wasn't too smart, was he?!
4. When I grow up, I'll bite them all!
5. I thought you wanted me to go to sleep, now I'll be up all night!
Nancy Nelson

You know, Mom? I'd say that Little Miss Muffet's got some issues!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I promise I'll wash my sticky feet after you read to me.
Read something besides the "What a Tangled Web" story, okay?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

And thanks, Mom, for buying me four new pairs of sneakers.
I said my bedtime prayers -- didn't you hear me ask for a fly?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

Ah, come on mom. Just one more fly and glass of milk
before I go to sleep.
Pam Hart, Siler City

Tommy tried that miss muffet thing and he got SQUISHED!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.)Uh oh,I thinked I webbed the bed again!
2.)Sniff,You mean Charlotte is dead?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

When Charlotte wrote "SOME PIG" on her web, it made me hungry for some bacon.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Grandma, read the one about the fly who came to dinner.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"This Miss Muffet sounds like a big wimp."
"I miss Dad. Sorry you ate him."
Kevin Little

Is that a bedtime snack hiding in the corner?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Oh no! The last time you read me Charlotte's Web I had nightmares for a week."
Steffany Gamsby, High Point

This story is too scary, I think I just webbed myself!
Dean Tribbett, Va Beach VA

1.) Make the screaming sound when Miss Muffet sees the spider.
2.)That miss muffet is a bigoted beeyotch!
3.) Web's shaking,better go pack my lunch.
Tim Tribbett

Enough reading, let's search the web.
Leroy Clark, Greensboro

"But I don't like Curds and Whey..."
"Tell me the story about Peter Parker and MJ ..."
"I want to learn about the world wide web ..."
"Mom, are there Black Widower Spiders ..."
Jon Barsanti, Hillsborough

"Mommy, why doesn't Daddy ever read me a bedtime story?"
Lynn Brogan, Greensboro

Grandmother, they get married in a big webbing at the end !
I hope the bed bugs won't bite tonight, grandmother !
Grandmother, you sure spin a good yarn !
You pick the best websites & books, grandmother !
Mommy, you sure inherited Granddaddy Longlegs looks !
Read faster ! I want to hear about the big Marriage & Webbing at the end !
Mommy ! I want to see Spiderman's picture !
Mommy ! Careful ! Don't squash Spiderman when you close the covers !
These covers are good, between those covers I could get squashed !
Are you feeling a little strung out, grandmother ?
Can we web order another copy for Granddaddy Longlegs ?
I'm a leg up on my classmates because of your reading !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Why in all the nursery rhymes that you read to me, do the spiders get the bad rap."
Ethan Chaplin, Jesse Wharton Elementary, Age 9

Here's my try of the week: "Not Charlotte's web again!"
"So where did you say Daddy went again?!"

6. Well I still like Spiderman!
7. Why did Miss Muffet run away, all he wanted was some of her curds & whey?!
8. Mom what's curds and whey?
9. I need some clean sheets!
10. Sounds like Charlotte's Web is the place to be!
11. Aunt Susie, I want to be a Taranchula when I grow up!
12. How am I supposed to get the fly into our parlour?!
13. Granddaddy Longlegs died such a horrible death, under the boot of Farmer Brown!
14. Are you a Black Widow Spider, where's my daddy?!
Nancy Nelson

1.)The screaming flies are drowning you out.
2.) No whey!
3.) Not the Terminex story! It gives me nightmares!
4.) Can I have a glass of warm bug guts?
5) Better speed up! I just accidentally bit myself!
6.) Oh geez Ma! Not the album of your old web designs.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

1.) Seriously,you really need to get a kindle.
2.) I heard Tommy's family got evicted by a whisk broom!
3.) If they foreclose will this become a cobweb? 4.)Hold that thought.That last fly is going straight thru me.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

15. Those humans are creepy!
16. I sure hope that's a picture book because you can't read with no mouth!
17. Let's FACE it , this will never work!
18. I Spi-der in the cellar!
Nancy Nelson

1.) If a page is missing we can probably find it on the web.
2.) If you had a kindle we could just download from the web
Tim Tribbett

Oh come on mom.....Please read me another Webtime Story......
beltonrobert

19. I've made my web and now I must lie in it! Nancy Nelson

Mom, why haven't we pushed the evolution envelope?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Aw, Mom, Charlotte's Web again???"
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.

Stop mommy ! What is a tuffet and why is she frightened ?
Shouldn't she have shared her curds & whey instead of running away ?
What's a Tuffet ?
Frank C Leonard, Lexington

"I'm scared!! There are BIG flies under my bed!"
"Read 'Little Miss Muffet' again!"
"Mom, why have you eaten everyone else?"
"You and Dad went out for a bit, Where's Dad!?"
"I"m thirsty. Can you get me a glass of bug juice?"
"I have to pee."
"Can we rent a Spider Man video?"
"Mom, when do I get a red spot on my back"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Was Charlotte a Black Widow or a Brown Recluse?
Could I have some fly specks and mosquito legs for dinner?
Don Rankin, Greensboro

"You skipped the part about Little Miss Muffet"
"Oh what a web we weave, when we practice to deceive"
Bob Fuller, Greensboro

20. Grandma would you like me to read you a story?
21. I wrote to Fern and Wilbur on my WEBsite but they never wrote back!
Nancy Nelson

1) so the wife killed all her husbands? why do they call her a black widow?
2) im not scared of the book mom, im scared of heights!
3) is that the same book they used to kill dad?
tyler olson greensboro

1) Not Miss Muffet again!
2) I wanna watch TV!
3)What's a "tuffet" ?
4 "I wanna meet that Tuffet girl!"
Bill Beerman, Gteensboro

I don't want to hear "The Cat in the Hat." It reminds me of the Meow Mix jingle.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"How come only the princess lives happily ever after?"
Karen Amick Clark, Greensboro

"We really need a TV"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville

" Mom the itsy, bitsy, spider is getting a little old!"
"They should make more stories about spiders!!!"
Abbey Carter, 9, Wentworth Elementary School

"Great, now I feel like I have humans crawling all over me."
"So what was she scared of, the curds and whey?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "Grandma, don't move! Something's crawling up your back."
2. "I'm thirsty - can I have a drink of bug juice?"
3. "I won‘t be able to sleep unless you check under my bed for rolled-up newspapers."
4. "Grandma, do you think Dr. Seuss can fix your spider veins?"
5. "Don't read ‘teensy weensy spider' it makes me wet the bed."
6. "I can see dead people."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

YOU REALLY BIT HIS HEAD OFF?
JUDY REGISTER, MCLEANSVILLE

1 Mommy, what's a tuffit?
2 Read me the part where "gram-pa" frightens her away again.
3 What are "curds and whey"?
4 I don't get it, why is Winkie always screaming "Agh, my spleen"?
I just love Brewster Rockit though, don't you?
Your friend Bucky *

"Why are you called a black widow, and what happened to daddy?"
"Read the part where Little Miss Muffet runs away again."
"Just what the heck are curds and whey?"
"Mom, when I said I wanted access to the web, this isn't what I had in mind."
Mike Creech

But I don't want to be web schooled.
TF

1. What do you mean it's about a pig?
2. Read the one about Uncle Carl and that little miss muffet.
3. Eight is enough isn't about spiders?
4. When I grow up will I be a Spiderman?
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

I think Itsy Bitsy has big webbing plans for Miss Muffet !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

How was I to know Little Miss Muffet was toxic?
elaine snipes

How was I to know Little Miss Muffet was poisonous?
elaine snipes

1. "Can I marry Charlotte when I grow up?" (thinking of the spider in Charlotte's web)
2. "So Spiderman would never have existed if it hadn't been for you?"
3. "Hey Mom, Can I surf the web tomorrow?"
4. "Mom, I'm going to start my own website when I grow up."
5. "Are we from Iraq and part robot too...'cause Tommy said I was an Iraqnoid."
6. "That octomom's got nothing compared to you."
7. "We make lots more silk than those silly worms."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"Mom, what is that hour glass shaped spot above Uranus " (inspired by Bob Beitzel )
Joel Clark, Greensboro

and then Barney said ?Gomer get down there with them spiders.
and they webbed happily ever after.
Don?t let the web bugs bite.
Im still awake but 7 of my 8 legs are asleep.
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"That sounds like you at dinner last night"
"Why did Dragon Spider not eat Princess Fly?"
"Octo Pi has 8 legs? Then why does he look like an octopus!"
"Grammy, why does that bedtime story make me hungry?!"
"I wanna grow up to be CHARLOTTE one day!!!"
"Maybe I`ll have a Wilbur one day...."
Jordan Frye, age 10 today!!!

"Mom, all the other kids get to hear the sticky parts!"
Susan Beal, Greensboro

If Miss Muffet sat beside me, I'd be frighten too !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Oh she singing that song again ,{Rock A Bye Baby].
Mike Greeson, Greensboro

Mom, what is a tuffet?
But I hate Curds and Whey
Can't I wait until I learn to swim?
I've learned my lesson, I wont go up the water spout again
When I grow up, will I be Spider man?
Ronnie Seagraves Greensboro

The twitter glitter spider
walked out into the street
out came the iphone
so she could catch a tweet
and she sent an e-mail
to Tim for J O U
then the twitter glitter spider
set off to see the zoo.
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"Mama, read me the story again about how you ate Daddy's head off."
"World Wide Web??? What if there aren't enough flys to go around??"
"Why was Little Ms Muffet scared of us.... do we LIKE curds and whey??".
"Mama, can I get a red hourglass tattoo on my stomach like Kelly?"
"Mama, if I get a red hourglass tattoo on my tummy, I'll bet nobody would bully me!".
"Mama, tell me the story about when you got your red hourglass tattoo on your stomach and did your mommy yell at you?"
"Mama, all I did was ask Peggy out and she nearly bit my head off!"
"Can I get a SpiderMan costume for Halloween?"
"Mom, I've decided that I want to work on computers when I grow up. At school, they said that they always have a world wide web."
"Billy's Mom painted a red hourglass on her tummy, and told his Daddy that if he messed with her she would eat him. But I think his Daddy liked it. Why?"
"Mom, will you paint a red hourglass on my tummy for Halloween? I want to go as a ManEater!!
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

What kind of idiot goes up a water spout?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Why did Miss Muffett run away???"
Ciara Tolbert, Nathanael Greene Elementary, Age 10, Julian

What the #$%& are curds and whey?
Tim Tribbett

"I like Dice's version of Little Miss Muffet better."
"This time, make Little Miss Muffet a crack whore."
"What the hell are curds and whey?"
"Curds and whey? Sounds more like ‘Big Ass Muffet' to me."
"It was those glasses and hairdo that scared Miss Muffet away, right?"
"Climbing up a drain spout during a rainstorm? The dumbass deserved to drown."
"Wilbur killed Charlotte?"
"Charlotte is my real mother?"
"How did I end up in a Far Side cartoon?"
"The Black Widow is the most feared spider? Sounds kinda racist to me."
"Uh, it's sort of hard to hear you without a mouth."
"So I'm guessing this Dr. Seuss guy did a lot of acid, huh?"
"I'm hungry. Can I have that rotted caterpillar
squirming over there?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"According to this Arachnid Almanac, a mosquito swarm should be traveling through this area any time now."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
Of all the "Pull over and ask directions" captions we received, we picked the one we thought worked best with the drawing.
Some of the more interesting captions, from JOU champ, CC, were submitted before the cartoon was even posted. See the blog. Also see the blog for all the Uranus jokes you could possibly want, courtesy mostly of Bob Beitzel. Thanks, Bob.
Live long and prosper. And, as Brewster Rockit would say: "May there be ham in your future."

WINNER
"That is the third time we have passed Saturn! ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"Stop the spaceship! We forgot to invade Earth! "
Ciara Tolbert, Nathanael Greene Elementary, Age 10

RUNNERS-UP
The best ones will have been probed by now!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"The place sure has changed. Last time we were here, Pluto was a planet."
Kevin Little

"Have you been drinking - you know what happened in Roswell!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"We finally get invited to the Org's house and you vaporize their cat!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

You are from Mars and I am from Venus ... this isn't working ...
Jon Barsanti, HIllsborough

"So what's it going to be tonight, a crop circle or cattle mutilation?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

SO ENIGMATIC IT'S FUNNY
And the potato salad will spoil before we even get there.
Joan Lux Greensboro

As an addendum to the above category, we have a new category:
BEST CAPTIONS FOR CARTOON THAT HASN'T POSTED YET
I'll let JOU champ CC explain it to you:
Here are the First Ever PSYCHIC Joke's On You!!! These will go with tomorrow morning's new joke.... sight unseen. Yes, I know what you're thinking.... "but CC, your career is at the top of it's game".... yes, it's a risk, but what's comedy without a risk? And in case you go "Whoops, did I mention that i was on vacation so you have another week.... one of these answers is even for last week's joke, since I didn't get a chance to play." Yes, Tim, I am a Joke's On You Pioneer
Here are CC's Psychic entries for Friday 5/8/09 am's cartoon:
"I TOLD you that two wasn't going to be enough!!! "
"Look's like I picked a bad day to stop chewing tobacco."
"I see dead people."
"Objects in mirror appear closer than they really are."
"...230 days until Christmas and we have started decorating yet."
"All I know was that Geraldo Rivera just ran by screaming 'Where's My Yarmulke?!?' "
"Look's like Mr.Cohen forgot his yarmulke again. Wonder where his watch is?"
"Look's like SOMEbody just learned to spell yarmulke."
"Whatever you do, don't bend over to pick it up yet."
"I don't know.... I took aspirin. I called him in the morning. And I still feel like there's something missing."
"That's a dealbreaker, ladies!!"
"At least you made her anatomically correct... just ASK me next time you want to borrow my tools!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
To play (it would be too late for this week now) I'd have to receive your captions before the paper comes out that Friday morning.

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
You just knocked some silver dude off his board!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

No,you turn left at Betelgeuse,Betelgeuse Betelguese not Rigel!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Phew,next time you serve man leave out the beans!
Tim Tribbett

"Let's buzz Arthur Dent's house."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
We better find a parking meteor soon
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Gee, we're on a mission to abduct Brewster again!
Avoid Earth that where Brewster Rockitt's creator Rickard lives!
Nancy Nelson

You should speak more clearly. You told the mechanic you needed a booster rocket and got a comic strip instead?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"I told you, turn right at Albuquerque, Izzy"
"Where's Bucky when you need him?"
"Izzy, it's the second star from the left, and straight on 'til morning"
"R.U.Sirius?" (BEST INSIDE JOKE [In My Humble Opinion])
Marcia Minsky (the GREAT #8)
Communications Officer
for The Official Brewster Rockit Fan Club

"Thanks to your probes we now know where they get all those funny captions!
Joel Clark, Greensboro

BEST POEM
From Gazoo, Alf and Mork you can check
Where the aliens came from on deck.
From their color and ears
It confirms all my fears:
They're more closely related to Shrek.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Bob Mannary this is for you, You are a funny intelligent man
I'm one of your long-time fans,
For some of us wanna-be caption writer winners
that aren't quite as funny with the one liners,
this poetry corner is the place for us to show our creatitivy,
So don't be so negative and derogatory,
Poetry is free form, it doesn't have to have a beat,
it doesn't have to rhyme, that's what makes it so neat,
but in the spirit of Dr. Suess, One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish,
Now it's time for you to make your wish!
Nancy Nelson
We landed on Mars
and we got candy Bars,
We landed on Saturn
and we were put in a holding pattern,
We landed on the Moon
and they asked if would like some pies,
We went to Neptune
and were attacked by loons,
Mercury was such a hot spot
it made me see dots,
the Sun was no fun either, Pluto gives me the shivers
and they pulled arrows from their quivers,
Those creatures on Uranus wanted to go where noone has go before,
Earth wasn't much better,
but that old lady did knit us a sweater,
Venus was nice
but there was so much vice,
Jupiter is just too big
and they assaulted us with huge figs
This vacation was the pits,
so let's leave this galaxy now before we start having hissy fits!
Nancy Nelson

MATURE
"I told you to wipe right at Uranus!"
Dennis

"We're not going back there, so get your head out of Uranus and just drive!"
"Stop worrying! Nobody suspects that all your captions come from Uranus."
"For the last time, stop asking me if I enjoyed being in Uranus!"
"Why yes, I did have a lovely time in Uranus. Hey, wait a minute!"
"Why was that strange man smiling that way when he said that he had fun with you in Uranus?"
"Everyone else goes to the beach, but I have to spend my summer in Uranus!"
"Why did some strange woman just call and say that she thinks she left her necklace in Uranus?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

One more joke about Uranus and YOU know where MY foot is going!
Les Thomas

OTHER TOP CAPTIONS
These all received at least one vote from the judges.
I better not see you eyeing that eject button again mister!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

We're going to be late for the probing!
Tim Tribbett.Greensboro

"Put your antennas up when I'm speaking to you!!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

NO! You're not pulling that old "out of gas" routine on ME!
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"Earth is nice but I wouldn't want to live there!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

I think that guy just gave us the middle tentacle!
Tim Tribbett.Greensboro

"I told you we should have stopped for directions!"
Rebecca Tatum, Greensboro

Well there's just the two of us and it sure wasn't me!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

That's the last time we visit the Jetsons! I saw you making eye at Rosie!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Can't hardly see earth for all that space junk orbiting!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

THE REST
"I stood right there in the kitchen before we left and asked 'Are you SURE you don't have to go because we can't stop in-between?' !!"
"How COULD you have left the stove on?...you don't cook!!!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1.) Keep your eye on the road!!
2.) How fast are you going?
3.)They have radar in this sector ya know!
4.)Careful! This area between Neptune and Uranus is a speed trap!
5.)Turn your defroster on!
6.)Always check your blind spot first!
7.)I think that guy just gave us the middle tentacle!
8.) You've had your turn signal on for 8 light years!
Tim Tribbett.Greensboro

1.) Your driving just made me create some dark matter!
2.) Let's NOT do the time warp again! 3.)Stop driving in the passing lane!
4.) I told you to slingshot off Jupiter to save gas!
5.) I hate it when you go impulse speed in the passing lane!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

We're going to be late for the probing!
Tim Tribbett

"You gotta remember to let the clutch out s-l-o-w-l-y!"
Ken Layton, Carthage

Keep your mind on what you're doin'! You missed that Black Hole by only a par-sec.
Glenda Layton, Carthage

Ain't love grand! I'll be driving my car from Texas to Florida.
Who designed this skyway with no rest stops?
Must have been a "make work" project . . . no rest stops.
Wrong terminology -- I'm not sitting in the BACK seat.
Drive right or I'll take the wheel, such as it is.
Well in the USA we drive on the right side.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

That's the last time we visit the Jetsons! I saw you making eye at Rosie!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Stop at Earth and ask for directions, Bonehead."
Luther Jackson, Stoneville

1. I told you not to go no where near Earth, those humans are at war all the time!
2. 2. I told you to watch where you're going!
3. 3. I told you to veer left, you almost hit Saturn!
4. 3. Gee, we're on a mission to abduct Brewster again!
5. 4. Avoid Earth that where Brewster Rockitt's creator Rickard lives!
6. 5. Just remember, if you dent it we can't take it back!
7. 6. Stop complaining, William Shatner got us a good deal on this vacation!
8. 7. But I don't want to play I spy with my one good eye!
9. 8. Who said two eyes are better than one!
Nancy Nelson

I knew we should've taken that left turn at Venus.
Why didn't you ask for directions from that nice Captain Kirk?
Why didn't you take care of that before we left home?
NO! You're not pulling that old "out of gas" routine on ME!
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

"you drive like steve mcqueen"
elaine stringer, randleman

9. I told you not to wait until the last millennium to buy your mother a unique gift for Mother's Day!
10. You need to stop and ask for directions!
11. I just want to go home!
12. I don't want to get stranded out here in the middle of nowhere!
13. What do mean the needle is almost on empty?!
14. I have to go to the bathroon NOW! 15. I'm hungary, I'm eating for two you know!
15. Stop staring at me like that, you're creeping me out!
Nancy Nelson

16. What do you mean we're Lost in Space!
Nancy Nelson

You never say MY cooking's 'Out of this world!!!"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Face it your lost, now stop at the next planet and ask for directions"
Phil Caprara, Oak Ridge

"Will you keep your EYE on the road! You're scaring the stars out of me."
"I told you we should have stopped for directions!"
Rebecca Tatum, Greensboro

Do you think they saw us ?
They saw us ! Told you to get tinted glasss !
Are we Lost in Space ?
Are there any Rest Stops close by ?
Take me Home, NOW !
Step on it, I got to GO !
Step on it ! I don't want this child born an alien !
You're running my fare up going in circles.
I'm taking the bus next time !
I can drive circles around you !
Look out for that Asteroidddddddd ! # @ ! ! !
Keep your eye off those Heavenly Bodies !
Better get an eye full of Saturn now, it'll be history soon !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I told you not to get close to that black hole!
You should have stopped to get directions, now we have to deal with those two eyed monsters.
You want one of those American cars - they don't get good gas mileage.
Chriss Painter, High Point

Slow down! Didn't you see that dog star?
Betty Hobbs, Greensboro

How many times do I have to tell you: DON'T RIDE THE CLUTCH!
Betty Hobbs, Greensboro

USE YOU TURN SIGNALS! USE YOUR TURN SIGNALS!
Betty Hobbs, Greensboro

You should speak more clearly. You told the mechanic you needed a booster rocket and got a comic strip instead?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

And the potato salad will spoil before we even get there.
You didn't put Jr.'s carseat on the trunk of this contrapation . . . did you?
I think you're asking an awful lot from AAA.
I feel so much better traveling now that we're AAA members.
So call Detroit and complain -- they're used to it.
I told you not to buy a space vehicle made in Detroit.
Your vehicles always have been form over substance.
You should know by now not to listen to me on directions.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Uh-oh. Did I remember to turn off the iron?"
"The place sure has changed. Last time we were here, Pluto was a planet."
"How about a couple of loops over Roswell for old times sake?"
"I told you left at Pluto!"
Kevin Little

Slow down idiot!
Don Rankin, Greensboro

Where is the fire?
Don Rankin, Greensboro

I told u to take a right at the astroid belt didn't I Irve!
Lane Sibley, Greensboro

Just ask for directions Carl!
Lane Sibley, Greensboro

"Even IF earth had intelligent life, you wouldn't ask for directions!"
Brandon Breeze

"Of all the places in the galaxy, you took me that dump, Earth!"
"Slow down, the speed limit is just 5,000mph!"
"Look me in my eye and tell me you know where you're going."
"It's true what they say, women are from Nebula 2 and men are from Nebula 3."
"Have you been drinking - you know what happened in Roswell!"
"Even if there was intelligent life on Earth, you'd be too proud to ask for directions."
"You built a ship that can span the galaxy but forgot to install a gps!"
"Think twice if you're planning on pulling that I'm out of plutonium trick!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Tenth time we've been around this way!!!
Would it kill you to ask for directions?"
Carol Manley, Eden

17. I thought this was a vacation, that Earthling tried to probe me!
18. They have some nerve calling us space aliens!
19. I need more SPACE!
20. This solar system is a blight on our galaxy!
Nancy Nelson

1,) Are you nuts?! You don't tailgate a death star! 2.)Out of gas? It's nuclear!
3.)Well duh,the parking brake is on!
4.)You just knocked some silver dude off his board!
5.)We can't vacation on Uranus without any preparation!
6.) I don't care if you are sleepy that window stays closed!
7.)..and my mother said not to marry blah blah blah never amount to anything blah blah blah...
8.) Did you just emit hydrogen sulfide into this controlled atmosphere?!
9.) Well there's just the two of us and it sure wasn't me!
10.) Don't you roll your eye at me mister!
11.)This is the third time you've flunked your driving test Tommy!
12.)We should have never bought a ship from planet Yugo!
13.) You know we can't marry unless you convert to string theory!
14.) You should have bought a ship with more light years per gallon!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Borders are open now, but flight plan still says New Mexico !
I can't hear you, my ears are popping !
Did you see that cow jumping over the moon ?
I think a Moon Pie would taste good right now !
Does this thing backspace ?
Looks like you could use an eyedrop !
What do you mean by flying topless ? Me or the top ?
Is this a convertible ?
Those hands belong on the wheel and no where else !
It's a long way home, isn't it !
Frank C Leonard, Lexington

"The GPS said turn right at Saturn!"
Peggy Koppel, Greensboro

You didn't put Jr.'s carseat on the trunk of this contraption . . . did you?
Joan Lux, Greensboro

I don't know why you didn't buy an Edsel like everybody else.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Dont make me make you turn this space ship around!"
"I know I should have went at the last planet, but I can only hold it so long"
"I told you we should have asked for directions at the last planet!"
"That is the third time we have passed saturn! ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville

I've had it with this old saucer !! Do you know a good Saturn dealer?
Joel Stockard, Greensboro

I know I just went but I have to go again!
2.)PLEASE stop for directions!That's the third time we've passed saturn!
3.)I don't care if we're making good time I want a pit stop!
4.) No, I will not use a jar!
5.) What do you mean you have poor night vision?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

With Maps and GPS and you steel can't find your way back home!
Let me drive, you can't even find one McDonald's
No other vehicles in sight, you can drive
With a learner's permit, you can't go Mach 10!
Turn right at the next galaxy
A billion stars and you got us lost
Slow down, you want to get a ticket?
Step on it, we've got 30 million more miles to go
We're lost, you drive like your mother
No cops in sight, put it to the floor
At this speed, we will be there in 3000 years
There's Saturn, only a few more planets to go!
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro

"Light-years of Hell."
"I'm going home to mother."
Note to Tim, ‘It's too obvious; but, I can't help it #1':
"You always forget your map and you never stop to ask for directions."
Note to Tim, ‘It's too obvious; but, I can't help it #2':
"And, another thing…."
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"No offense Barney, but you keep driving like you're blind in one eye and can't see out of the other!!"
robert.wyrick

One of these days,bang,boom,zing to the moon zalice.
2.)The best ones will have been probed by now!
3.) You do that again and I'm putting on my oxygen mask!
4.)and it's not like we can open a window either!
5.) You forgot the probe lube again?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

ARE YOU SURE THEY SAID BUZZ THE STATUE OF LIBERTY OR LAND ON THE HUDSON?
JUDY REGISTER, MCLEANSVILLE

BEAM UP AL GORE AND WE'LL SHOW HIM ABOUT GOING GREEN.
J. REGISTER, MCLEANSVILLE

I told you I'm not stopping on Earth to ask for directions!
B. REGISTER.JR., HICKORY

Why can't you ever stop for directions?
Admit it! We're lost.
I know we passed this asteroid before.
Slow Down!!! The speed limit is 500 mph.
You drive like your 800 years old.
Jodi Hepler, Clemmons

"We're flying 82 million miles because its double coupon day at Saturn's grocery stores?"
R. T. Rossi

1.) Warn a guy before you go from warp to a dead stop like that!
2.) No,you turn left at Betelgeuse,Betelgeuse Betelguese not Rigel!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) #$%&* the prime directive,I wanna have some fun!
2.) How would like to step outside!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I told you, turn *right* at Albuquerque, Izzy"
"Where's Bucky when you need him?"
"Izzy, it's the *second *star from the left, and straight on 'til morning"*
*"R.U.Sirius?" (*BEST INSIDE JOKE [In My Humble Opinion]*)
Marcia Minsky (the GREAT #8)
Communications Officer
for The Official Brewster Rockit Fan Club
LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009
May there be ham in your future

1.) Would you like to step outside and settle this!
2.) You're grinding the clutch again!
3.)You put one scratch on my new saucer and you're history!
4.)You should have told me you can't drive a stick!
5.) Whew! Jupiter isn't the only thing fulla toxic gas around here!
6.) Aaack! You would be right at home on a gas giant!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Phew,next time you serve man leave out the beans!
Tim Tribbett

So what?s it going to be tonight, a crop circle or cattle mutilation?
Gray Amick, Greensboro, Milky Way Galaxy

"Keep your eye on the road!!"
Pete Dey, Greensboro

21. Bleep, bleep, bleep! 22. Pull over you've had too many Marstinis!
23. My attennae are off the radar! 24. Pull over I'm sick, I ate too many Moon pies and Mars Bars!
25. This can't be the Milky Way, I don't see any chocolate!
26. Space Trip!
27. I forgot to pack the map!
28. You have to careful, you don't know who's watching!
29. Slow down we're not going to a fire!
Nancy Nelson

Harold I told you to take a left at the milkey way, Harold I told you to slow down, Harold blah,blah,blah
Paul Poretta, High Point

28. You have to be careful, you don't know who's watching!
30. Please don't go in another black hole, I'm afraid of the dark!
Nancy Nelson

"I told you not to have that second cup of coffee."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"If he doesn't come home this time, leave him his other glitter glove and forget it."
Kevin Little

Think you can keep it level while I excuse myself ?
Please ! No loops while I'm in the rest room !
Where's your eyeglass ! You're restrictions require it !
Put on my seatbelt ! I keep it on with at the wheel !
Slow down or you'll see my insides out !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1.So you had to use Planet.com.
2 I told you ,you should have gotten a Star map.
3. You would have to rent a saucer, that didn't have a GPS system.
4. I told you should have made, a left at Uranus.
5.You did have to,want to eat at that Inter Galaxtic space station. You told me the food was good there. That's where all the Inter Galaxtic space cargo ships eat.
6. Next year we'll spend,our vacation on our own planet.
Mike Greeson, Greensboro

From Gazoo, Alf and Mork you can check
Where the aliens came from on deck.
From their color and ears
It confirms all my fears:
They're more closely related to Shrek.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"You Forgot the MAP??? Just how do you think we can find Oprah's house now???"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

For the last time, there are no such things as earthlings!!
J.J. Sumner, Summerfield

"Oh Great... 'Lost in Space' again."
"I have to pee and I refuse to use the Wolowitz space toilet again!"
"What was that Big Bang I just heard?"
"Skip earth, I heard they just foreclosed on it."
"Keep your eye out for Atlantis, it's heading our way."
"If you don't stop for directions, I'm going to administer my own stress test on you!"
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

"Head for San Francisco. We'll blend in!"
"I told you to wipe right at Uranus!"
"What do you means "No Breaks"!"
"Pinhead, there are NO windows to open!"
"We are the last of the Cyclops and you are sterile"
"I'm hungry, Go to earth and pick up a couple of fat snacks!"
"Quit staring at my boobs!'
"What!? We're out of fuel and being pulled into the sun!"
"I saw you giving her that eye!"
"The Galactic Positioning System is out and we are lost!!"
"Keep that eye open and step on the pulse drive! I told mother we be there in ten light years!"
Dennis

WELL, Mr. " Uranus is so big I could find it blinfolded" wish you had directions NOW!
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach VA

1.) You just think you're the center of the universe don't you?!
2.) What kind of idiot buys a time share on %$#& pluto?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

A million miles from nowhere and we're out of gas!
Let me drive, I know the way, right!
Fasten your seat belt, this is going to get rough!
Let me drive, you get in the back seat
What sorry driving, do you need glasses?
Stop the ship, I'm walking back
Pull over, I'm motion sick!
Ronnie Seagraves Greensboro

1. "Is something wrong? You haven't said a word in light years."
2. "Hands at ten and two o'clock! We don't need anotherRoswell."
3. "We wouldn't be lost if you'd taken the last wormhole!"
4. "I spy with my big eye something that rhymes with girth."
5. "Let's buzz Arthur Dent's house."
6. "I should warn you that warp drive makes me hurl."
7. "How come you never tell me I have beautiful eye?"
8. "Where did you learn to fly this thing, at Roswell?"
9. "Look me in the eye and tell me you're not lost."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Speaking of saturn,when am I going to get a #$%& ring?!
2.)If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it!
Tim Tribbett

"You'd better NOT have forgotten the Probe!!!"
"Come ON!! Wake UP!! There's a StarBuck' s up ahead!"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

NASA says get our nose up ! What's a NOSE ???
What a time to tell me you have aglass eye !
Can't hardly see earth for all that space junk orbiting !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

We better find a parking meteor soon !
Oh No ! Your nicknamed, Shuteye ?
Orson Welles let'em know we were coming !
They see us as One Eyed Purple People Eaters !
You're going to see me Blast-off if you don't turn around.
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Good gosh Harold, you went right through that flashing super nova."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Did you turn off the gas?
I gotta pee.
Frank Beamon, Greensboro

"ABDUCTION-SCHMUCTION!! Just once I like to do what I'D like to do!!!"
"ABDUCTION-SCHMUCTION!! Just One Time I'd like to just take a ride."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

1) " My shortcut would have saved us light years ! "
2) " Turn around ! They are going to explain what they meant by illegal aliens !! "
3) " Slow down !! You know this area is a speed trap ! "
4) " The guys in the spaceship we just passed flipped us off !!! "
5) " Let's visit Area 51 you said ! Great idea Einstein ! "
6) " What exactly are we looking for with all these probes ? "
7) " Do you have to tell the story about your mother losing her glass eye at every party ? "
8) " Earth is nice but I wouldn't want to live there ! "
9) " I've noticed you only like to probe the cute ones !! "
10) " We finally get invited to the Org's house and you vaporize their cat!! "
11) " Put your antennas up when I'm speaking to you !!! "
12) " Just pull into the next space station and ask for directions ! "
13) " When he said make yourself at home he didn't mean to probe everything that moves !! "
14) " You idiot !!! You left crop circles all over that field ! "
15) " News flash. Nobody likes the "pull my antenna" gag !! "
16) " I saw you flirting with that two eyed tramp !! "
17) "Mom always said I should have married Oogg!"
18) "Will you hurry up ! I have to get back into my Oprah costume before they notice I'm gone ! "
19) "Hurry up ! We are going to miss American Idol !! "
20) "Thanks to your probes we now know where they get all those funny captions!
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Stop playing chicken with #$%& comets!
2.) I better not see you eyeing that eject button again mister!
3.)That's your 3rd ticket for breaking the law of relativity!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Slow down, you idiot! Didn't you see that asteroid crossing sign back there?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro

I told you to ask for directions at the last galactic station.
Recalculating ... that is Garmin for 'Lost.'
Quit acting like this is the Millennium Falcon.
I told you there was not reception out here.
I knew Neil Armstrong. Neil Armstrong was a friend of mine. You are no Neil Armstrong.
We are NOT going to buzz Roswell, NM again this year ...
Better hurry - 'AirVenture' starts July 27th in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, Earth.
I miss 'Third Rock from the Sun.'
I Miss Stargate SG-1 and Jack O'Neil.
For the last time, Pluto isn't a planet anymore.
It goes Neptune, Uranus, Saturn, Jupiter, Mars, then Earth ....
You are from Mars and I am from Venus ... this isn't working ...
Jon Barsanti, HIllsborough

One more joke about Uranus and YOU know where MY foot is going!
Les Thomas

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Katrina M. Griffin wrote "My family really enjoys doing these! It's a time for us to get together and do them together! Thanks"
Jokes On You. Bringing families together since 2007. Thanks, Katrina.
The "mature" section of the blog is bigger than usual this week, thanks mostly to the efforts of the Bobs (Beitzel and Mannary.) And speaking of Mannary, he makes a return to the blog's Poetry corner -- the section he created -- this week.

WINNER
I brought you into this world and I can take you out.
Craig Griffin, Greensboro

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"Son don't go rotten on me"
Abbey Carter, 9, Wentworth Elementary School

RUNNERS-UP
What do you mean you want a baby brother ?!
Nancy Nelson

"Today, we'll build a wood chipper. Tomorrow, a trusting relationship."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Son, let's get that chip off your shoulder!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"You've been a lot of laughs, kid, but Daddy needs a workstool."
Kevin Little

"Things are tough. We need wood for the stove!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Guess it's time we had a little talk about the Boards and the Trees!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Time for your yearly physical
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"Is it safe …?"
Bill Wallace, High Point

"I don't know why I put an appendix in there in the first place!"
Kevin Little

"Gideon's not talking either. I'm only going to ask one more time, and don't lie to me…."
"I know the blind guy picked up a hammer and saw, but there's no tool you can pick up that will turn you into a boy."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

BEST/WORST PUN
"Why are we going to the woodshed? Because you're so knotty!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

How can they not like you?You're poplar!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

SO ENIGMATIC IT'S FUNNY
"I forgot what I wanted to say!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"If you would quit lying about what a great cartoonist Rickard is you wouldn't have this problem in the first place."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
NEVER!

After seeing those cows last week, you should be able to build your own car.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Now tell the truth. Did you steal those tools from the cows?"
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

Wood working tools are to a marionettes as Tim Tribbett is to "Jokes On You."
Brian Smith, Madison
… I'm not sure what that means …

"I was going to make a Tim Tribett doll, but I didn't have enough wood to build such a 'giant.' "
Walt Disney
… Or this one. Maybe Uncle Walt means that you're a giant in the field of caption writing …

"I saw what you were doing to that wooden cow last week and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

NO, you can't go help the cows!
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

BEST POEM
And now, in poetry corner this week, is the man who single-handedly started the BEST POEM category. Ladies and gentlemen, after a long absence, JOU is proud to present: Mr. Bob Mannary (polite applause)
It really seemed so innocent
and funny at the time
to send a little poem one week
a silly little rhyme.

I knew they called it Jokes On You
and only wanted captions
but the poem seemed like a funny gag...
now I'm sorry for my actions!

I never really thought it through
'bout what one poem could do
that one dumb poem would start a trend
down at The Jokes On You!

So every week you get one,
or two or sometimes three
More witty poems for you to read
in the name of comedy.

So as a good web blogger
you take some extra time
to add these little extra bits
to the blog you keep online.

You label them as Best Poem
and give them their own place
a section of the blog each week
a Poetry Showcase!

Now where these poems do fit in,
I haven't got a clue,
They're really not one-liners,
that fit the Jokes On You!

So Tim please hear these last few words...
I'm sorry for what I've done...
I'm sorry you get new poems each week
and I'm sorry for this one!

I know that we should end it
it's the right thing we should do
stop sending in these silly poems
each week to Jokes On You!

But if my fellow poets,
need another poem excuse,
how 'bout next week you send in poems,
in the Spirit Of Dr. Seuss!
-Anonymous

"Ah, my boy," said the toy man Geppetto,
"I no longer date girls from the ghetto.
Turn about is fair play,
So could you build today
A girl shapely and tall in stilettos?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I know you are no longer just a toy,
Your actions prove to me you have become a real boy,
therefore I will treat you as my son, Pick up these tools and put them away,
I will teach you how to use them some day
Meanwhile you will obey my rules.
Lying is only for fools
For now this lecture is done.
Now run out and play
on this beautiful sun shiny day!
You'll see, Life can be fun.
Nancy Nelson

BEST CAPTION TO THE WRONG CARTOON
"What interception happened on the way home?"
caption for female football meeting male football at the door

Caption for goldfish cartoon.
"Mom it's not fair, dad was about to give me money for a new car!"

MATURE
The mohel isn't available, so I'll have to do the circumcision myself.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Like I told you before, your nose is the only thing that grows when you lie.
John Fann

You clogged the toilet again but at least it's pine scented.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

NO Pinnochio , we can't move your nose there!
Les Thomas

I'll tell you why you don't have one - because this is a G-rated movie!
Sam Penry — Greensboro

"I read the instructions upside down. It's supposed to be your nose that grows."
"If I catch you doing that one more time, I'm hacking it off."
"Sorry, son, but only your nose can get bigger."
"If you keep doing that you'll go blind…..and get splinters."
"I saw what you were doing with that Raggedy Ann doll!"
"Raggedy Ann says she's pregnant with your love child."
"It's time for your circumcision."
"You want a tattoo of Walt Disney doing what??"
"Just put the dress on and do as I say!"
"If anyone asks, you know nothing about all those headless mannequins."
"If you tell the truth, something else will grow."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

stop acting like a tool
AAMCO Greensboro

"When we figure out why your nose does that we will put Viagra out of business!!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"You can lie to her all you want but it's not going to make one bit of difference!"
"Sorry Ol' Boy...that was all the wood I had left..."
"The hole in the box was for the birds you dirty, dirty little boy!"
"For the last time, Thompson's Water Seal will not help prevent STD's!"
"Be grateful I was able to find an old broomstick or you would've been stuck with a #2 pencil!"
"Why is your Facebook screen name Woody Woodpecker?!?!?"
"Why is the Home Depot website up on my laptop and tree sap on my keyboard?!?!?"
"Why does the cat smell like pine needles again?"
"Well, it's better than a toothpick!"
"I don't believe for one second it was the kitchen broom handle Mrs. Crabtree backed into!"
"That better be Dirt on the end of your nose..."
"I saw what you were doing to that wooden cow last week and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"I REFUSE to call you Woody for SO many reasons!"
"Not only could you go blind but it can lead to wood rot and splinters!!!"
"That's not what they meant by 'Do Yourself Proud With MinWax and Wood'!"
"No...they don't have teeth down there...they have Sandpaper!"
"No...you can't just DECIDE which part is affected when you tell a lie..."
"When I asked you to help me stir the paint that wasn't exactly what I had in mind!"
"Sorry...I didn't have any Mahogany at the time..."
"FINE! I'll get some more wood and widdle you a new one!"
"It's no big deal! It happens to most boys every morning at your age..."
"I've told you before, that is NOT what wood clamps are supposed to be used for!"
"Can you think of a BETTER place for the knothole to be?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Some of these don't sound dirty but … they're from Bob. Of course they're dirty.

If you keep doing that you'll start a fire.
Why is my hole saw missing?
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

OTHER TOP CAPTIONS
"Can you think of a BETTER place for the knothole to be?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

This is your real father!"
Kevin Little

"Pixar called about a remake, but they wanted a new look."
Bill Wallace, High Point

Here's another idea. STOP LYING SO DARN MUCH!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"No Pinocchio, you didn't come from the cabbage patch, you came from this tool box."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

"It's just a bird house...it means Nothing To Me!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"All Hollywood stars have facelifts when they reach your age."
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Care to explain why I found this and a new marionette under your bed?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"I will not make you a girlfriend."
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

"Why are we going to the woodshed? Because you're so knotty!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

If I build you a puppy will you shut the heck up?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Dang it,I still think one leg is longer!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

You clogged the toilet again but at least it's pine scented.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Darn it,I hate it when I have parts left over!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I hope you do better than the first 10 prototypes!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"There is NOT a giant wood chipper in your closet now Go Back To BED!!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"What happened to your older brother? He kept asking too many questions about what happened to HIS older brother..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"And that's where babies come from."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

THE REST
You'll cut off your nose to spite your face! 2.)No,you can't build an extension on to that!
3.)You'll increase my property taxes!
4.)No wonder you're losing your eyesight!
5.)Here's another idea.STOP LYING SO DARN MUCH!!
6.)Time for your yearly physical.
7.) Sorry I yelled but I can't sleep with that darn cricket chirping.
8.)I'm going to find that darn cricket if I have to take the house apart!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro(trying to be the first with #1)

"For the last time, NO MORE BLOW-UP DOLLS!!!"
Micah Massei, Greensboro

When I say "Go make your bed", I mean "Go make your bed!"
The mohel isn't available, so I'll have to do the circumcision myself.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

And then one piece of wood says to the other piece of wood . . . .
You didn't hear THAT in woodworking class!
Guess it's time for the "big talk."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

After seeing those cows last week, you should be able to build your own car.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Yes, you're anatomically correct.
Ken Layton, Carthage

Yes, I set my toolbox on top of that cricket. So what???
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Son, prepare to meet your maker."
Pete Dey, Greensboro

"Did you cut your self again?"
Alex Potter, Greensboro

Son, let's get that chip off your shoulder !
Time for a visit to the woodshed !
Sorry, I've got to have some firewood !
Must I hammer some sense into you ?
I need you to be more level headed, son !
" Be-Square, " that's our moto, son !
Looks like I put a round peg in a square hole again !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Now, where's that knot you want removed ?
Now, where's that splinter ?
I need to get the sawdust out of your head !
No wonder ! You were made in China !
I have to repair must everything made in China !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. How many times do I have to tell you these tools are dangerous!
2. I love you and I don't want you to get hurt!
3 You thought if you cut off the tip of your nose, I wouldn't notice!
Nancy Nelson

When you tell a fib at least your pants don't catch on fire.
At least nobody says "liar, liar, pants on fire" to you.
You're lucky -- instead of your nose growing your pants could ignite.
Why do you want to change your name to "Guido"?
It was insensitive serving corn dogs on wooden skewers.
. . . and your father was a mighty oak.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

4. Don't lie to me son!
5. I can always tell when you lie!
6. Don't think you can pull my strings!
7. If you don't stop lying I'll have to cut your vocal cords!
8. Don't string me along!
9. No theater for you tonight!
10. Drop the innocent act, it ain't working!
Nancy Nelson

1." I WILL NOT MAKE YOU A GIRLFRIEND."
2."IF I DO THAT, IT WILL LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE THREE LEGS".
3."I TOLD YOU I DON'T NEED A WIFE."
4."I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A NOSE LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON."
PAULA HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

And I could have made your pants catch on fire.
What was I thinking when I made your middle name "Cyrano"?
Living up to your middle name "Cyrano," are you?
As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"You might as well schedule a weekly rhinoplasty."
"What you need is a fire extinguisher, Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!"
"What? Is my chain saw too noisy for you?"
"Caught you again! Call me Gestapo, not Gepetto!"
"So that's why the blade keeps getting so dull!"
"I knew the wood you were carved from was too knotty!"
"This is what I get for making you out of knotty wood!"
"Why are we going to the woodshed? Because you're so knotty!"
"Maybe I should have made you from the cherry tree..."
Kris Voy, Trinity

The next time I have to fix you after telling a lie, I'm going to start calling you Michael Jackson.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

1.) Don't you know you can catch the pine flu from used tools?!
2.) It'll never heal if you keep whittling on it!
3.) You cut off your nose to spite your face again!
4.) Those two parts are NOT interchangable young man!
5.)Next time you get termites come to me first!
6.) Are you practicing carpentry without a liscense?!
7.)You got your sap all over my tools!
8.)Maybe if I saw off a leg or two you won't run away!
9) You can't just use my good tools with no strings attached!
10.)Sorry kid but times are tough and I have a house to heat.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Like I told you before, your nose is the only thing that grows when you lie.
John Fann

"Tell a lie, son. The coffee table needs a new leg."
"Time for that nose job I promised for your birthday!"
"Sorry, son. The economy's shot and my workstool needs a new leg."
"This is your real father!"
"I don't know why I put an appendix in there in the first place!"
Kevin Little

Viagra made your nose and what grow?
George Creech, Mason, Ohio

"Can I get a price on a nose job?"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville

"Son don't go rotten on me"
Abbey Carter, 9, Wentworth Elementary School

1. "No, and I'm not going to discuss anatomical correctness with you again!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

Another word from you and you'll be heating the house instead of living in the house.
Ronnie Seagraves

"You've been a lot of laughs, kid, but Daddy needs a workstool."
"I never told you this before, but I'd always preferred daughters."
Kevin Little

"Honest - the stork brought you."
Julie Tiska

1.) Because Mr. Jackson asked me to make some modifications before he purchases you,that's why!
2.) I'm going to fix that nose problem once and for all! 3.) I need some dowel rods so start lying kid!
4.) I read what you wrote about me on your blog
5.) I'll show you who's a creepy old man!
6.) Aha! I saw it grow that time you little fibber!
7.) Self carpentry?! I'll sand your hide for that!
8.) I warned you about bringing termites into this house!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) If the cricket wants partial custody I'll send him half!
2.) Ok,pick your punishment!
3,)Darn it,I just whittled that nose down yesterday!
4.) If you don't stop lying so much I'm gonna need a band saw to keep up!
5.)Time for your sanding and refinishing.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) C'mere,I've decided I want a little daughter!
2.) You're this close to going in the chipper young man! 3.) It's wood rot and it has to come off!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) Something involving the cracked liberty bell ie the guy who cracked it saying something.
2.)Someone saying something as Paul Revere rides past shouting.
Tim Tribbett

I'm going to varnish the truth into you!
2.) I can rebuild you.I have the technology.
Tim Tribbett

"You're at that age, son. We need to sit down and talk about the boards and the beams."
Kevin Little

" What do you mean you want to be a REAL BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
" How many times have I told to notmake improvements"
Ryan Natal, age 12

It's the water, lets get outta here now.
Beverly Hummel, Bonita Springs, Fl.

Son, do you honestly think 'cutting your nose off to spite your face' prevents me from knowing when you're lying?
AMY TORCHINSKY, GREENSBORO

Dadgummit,do you want me to fix your boo boo or not?!
2.) If I build you a puppy will you shut the heck up?! 3.) Dang it,I still think one leg is longer!
4.) How can they not like you?You're poplar! 5.)You clogged the toilet again but at least it's pine scented.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"OK! Where's my 'Do It Yourself Rhinoplasty' book?"
David Holley, Greensboro

1.) You can't use these tools on the other kids!
2.) Did you saw your brother in half?!
3.)Why are there bits of nose scattered all over the house?!
Tim Tribbett

11. How many times do I have to tell you, NO PUP PETs?!
12. What do you mean you want a baby brother ?!
13. I don't have any strings for you to pull except my heart strings!
Nancy Nelson

"We'll make replacement parts. Your limbs have termite damage!
"Now get some wood and clone yourself!"
"Start lying again! Your nose made a great pool cue!"
"I have ordered pussy willow wood to make you a girlfriend!"
"Son, I need to operate, You have cranial wood rot"
"I forgot what I wanted to say!"
"Things are tough. We need wood for the stove!"
"You are being recycled. It's all video now"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Now tell the truth. Did you steal those tools from the cows?"
"Jiminy Cricket! What is that smashed on the head of the hammer?"
"No Pinocchio, you didn't come from the cabbage patch, you came from this tool box."

"If you don't quit lying, I will go 'green' and recycle you."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

"Don't tell me someone was pulling your strings when you got into my
toolbox."

"Gideon's not talking either. I'm only going to ask one more time, and
don't lie to me...."

"I know the blind guy picked up a hammer and saw, but there's no tool you can pick up that will turn you into a boy."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

NO Pinnochio , we can't move your nose there!
Les Thomas

I've told you not to play with my tools, and this time don't try to blame it on that cricket!
Sam Penry - Greensboro

Waddaya mean, "carpentry" malpractice? Ya' walk, ya' talk, ya' sing and dance with that stupid cricket!
Ya' gotta complaint, take it up with that Blue Fairy jerk.
Sam Penry, Greensboro

Of course you don't have one. This is a G-rated movie - NONE of us has one!!!!
Sam Penry, Greensboro

"You didn't have to be afraid to go to the FURNITURE MARKET!"
John McFarland, Thomasville

"So - you think you gotta screw loose do ya?"
Mary McFarland, Thomasville

1. "If you will stop lying, I will stop doing rhinoplasty!"
2. "The magic of life is love...you can't find that in a toolbox."
3. "Grow up Pinocchio! Golly Whil-la-kers!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

I brought you into this world!
Ronnie Seagraves Greensboro

caption for female football meeting male football at the door
"What interception happened on the way home?"
deborah ishida

Caption for goldfish cartoon.
"Mom it's not fair, dad was about to give me money for a new car!"

"I read the instructions upside down. It's supposed to be your nose that grows."
"If I catch you doing that one more time, I'm hacking it off."
"Sorry, son, but only your nose can get bigger."
"If you keep doing that you'll go blind...and get splinters."
"Jiminy Cricket's been stealing from me again. Make him pay."
"No, I can't build a girlfriend for you."
"I saw what you were doing with that Raggedy Ann doll!"
"Raggedy Ann says she's pregnant with your love child."
"It's time for your circumcision."
"You want a tattoo of Walt Disney doing what??"
"Just put the dress on and do as I say!"
"If anyone asks, you know nothing about all those headless mannequins."
"Don't worry; an amber alert is a good thing."
"If you tell the truth, something else will grow."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

NO! I will not move your nose down there!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1. "Were you about to cut off your nose in spite of your face?"
2. "Relax, I just need to check you for termites."
3. "The door knocker's broken. You mind giving me a hand?"
4. "What's the big deal? Women always know when we're lying."
5. "You better start lying, I've got an order for 3 dozen pool sticks."
6. "Today, we'll build a wood chipper. Tomorrow, a trusting relationship."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Pinocchio, I am afraid you are going to need more than those to fix this economy".
Chester H. "Trip" Brown, Jr.

1) did you really just saw your nose off?
2) it will still grow if you keep lying
3) stop acting like a tool
4) cutting your nose wont help, i know you have been lying
5) you need oil? your knees look like dry wood.
6) stop building stuff from your own wood.
7) are you trying to build something with your arms again?
AAMCO greensboro

"I love you just the way you are."
Hally Lee Rankin, Greensboro

"You win by a nose."
Hally Lee Rankin

"For the last time, Pinocchio, No i won't build you a girlfriend!"
Phyllis Teague

Son, please don't blow !
No wonder you could smell my coffee !
When you see birds perching, you know it's time for a trim !
How many rings do you want in it ?
Let's point it so you can win the apple bobbing contest !
Ever thought of eating ants ?
Been sniffing around them termites again ?
You and that red-nosed reindeer would make a pair !
We'll reinvent this pierced nose thing together !
They're isssuing a tornado warning if you start to sneeze !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Have you been using the saw to cut off your nose again?"
Ciara Tolbert, Nathanael Greene Elementary, Julian

I will not remake you with Abs of Steel
You're just dreaming, Disney will never hire you
Children's books, that's a good one
I didn't think you had the guts to stand up to me!
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro

No, son. I will not make you a little sister.
No, son. I will not make you a little brother. One of you is enough.
O, son. I will not make you a girl friend. I can't trust you.
Glenn Ogden,.Summerfield

"I think I've outdone myself this time!"
Carol Manley, Eden

1) " When we figure out why your nose does that we will put Viagra out of business !!! "
2) " Leave my tools out again and I'll fill your pockets full of termites ! "
3) " My friend Dick Cheney gave me a few suggestion to help with your lying . "
4) " Remember, I have ways of knowing if you're lying ! "
5) " No, I won't carve " THUG LIFE " into your chest !!! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Darn it,I hate it when I have parts left over!
2.) I know that extra screw goes somewhere!
3.) I hope you do better than the first 10 prototypes!
4.) No, you can't be a terminator!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I was going to make a Tim Tribett doll, but I didn't have enough wood to build such a 'giant.' "
Walt Disney

"It's time that I told you the truth. The stork didn't bring you."
Kim Nelson, Albany, NY

"You can lie to her all you want but it's not going to make one bit of difference!"
"Sorry Ol' Boy...that was all the wood I had left..."
"It's just a bird house...it means Nothing To Me!"
"The hole in the box was for the birds you dirty, dirty little boy!"
"You lie to me one more time and I'm going to introduce you to my friends Black and Decker!"
"Have you ever actually SEEN what a wood chipper does to a tree branch?"
"For the last time, Thompson's Water Seal will not help prevent STD's!"
"Be grateful I was able to find an old broomstick or you would've been stuck with a #2 pencil!"
"Why is your Facebook screen name Woody Woodpecker?!?!?"
"Why is the Home Depot website up on my laptop and tree sap on my keyboard?!?!?"
"Why does the cat smell like pine needles again?"
"Well, it's better than a toothpick!"
"One more lie out of you young man and you'll spend the rest of your life as a foot stool!"
"I don't believe for one second it was the kitchen broom handle Mrs. Crabtree backed into!"
"That better be Dirt on the end of your nose..."
"Relax...it's called Notty Pine..."
"I saw what you were doing to that wooden cow last week and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"I REFUSE to call you Woody for SO many reasons!"
"You miss curfew again mister and you'll find termites in your underwear drawer!"
"Sass me like that again young man and I'm going to widdle you a new one!"
"For the last time you do NOT have termites, it's just Gas!"
"No, Terminix does NOT make a cologne!"
"Not only could you go blind but it can lead to wood rot and splinters!!!"
"That's not what they meant by 'Do Yourself Proud With MinWax and Wood'!"
"It's called a wood chipper for a reason!"
"No...they don't have teeth down there...they have Sandpaper!"
"Guess it's time we had a little talk about the Boards and the Trees!"
"Did you take my tape measure again?"
"Remember to always use a good quality polyurethane to help seal and protect the wood!"
"No...you can't just DECIDE which part is affected when you tell a lie..."
"ENOUGH already with all that Rain Forest Mumbo-Jumbo!"
"When I asked you to help me stir the paint that wasn't exactly what I had in mind!"
"Sorry...I didn't have any Mahogany at the time..."
"FINE! I'll get some more wood and widdle you a new one!"
"FINE! I'll get another board and widdle you a new one but you have to watch!"
"It's no big deal! It happens to most boys every morning at your age..."
"Oh...let me guess...The Mighty Oak?!?!"
"I painted it that way for a reason!"
"There is NOT a giant wood chipper in your closet now Go Back To BED!!"
"This thing you have about squirrels is REALLY starting to get on my last nerve!"
"I brought you into this world and I'll take you out and make another one that looks just like you!"
"What happened to your older brother? He kept asking too many questions about what happened to HIS older brother..."
"Wood only gets like that when it gets wet. Let it dry, you'll be fine."
"Good Lord Son...I think it's WATERLOGGED!"
"NOW do you understand WHY I wouldn't let you play with my soldering iron?!?!?"
"I've told you before, that is NOT what wood clamps are supposed to be used for!"
"Can you think of a BETTER place for the knothole to be?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

I bet Michael Jackson would kill for your nose.
"If you put my tools up I?ll let you watch the Jimmy Durante special on the Biography Channel tonight."
If you would quit lying about what a great cartoonist Rickard is you wouldn?t have this problem in the first place.
Forget the tools for your runny nose, I?ve got some putty that ought to do the job.
Sniffing glue won?t help your deviated septum.?
One more lie and it?s the electric pencil sharpener treatment for you.?
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"And that's where babies come from."
"Care to explain why I found this and a new marionette under your bed?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1. NO, you can't go help the cows!
2. If you keep doing that you'll start a fire.
3. Why is my hole saw missing?
4. I hope you're happy, Home Depot said we're not allowed back.
5. You can't keep sticking your nose in other people's business!
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

OK kid, where'd ya put the Band-Aids?
You want a WHAT?
Marcia Minsky #8, Communications Officer
For The Official Brewster Rockit Fan Club
*LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009 But WAIT...There's MORE!

. . . for the last time, it's not GELATO!
Les Thomas

Now Pinnochio don't lie, I know I made you with 5 fingers.
I'm sorry Pinnochio, with the price of lumber so high, we can't afford to make her.
You know Phinnochio, they just call it that. I don't think Hollywood is the place for you.
. . . now what would you want with my chamfer shave?
. . . and to think I could have had a foot stool!
Now Pinnochio, you know how much Mama loves her chair. I promise I'll make you another leg real soon.
Les Thomas

Well sorry! I't's the biggest dowel I had!
Dean Tribbett, Virginia Beach Va

1) I'm sorry Pinocchio, but it's a Jewish tradition.
Ned Norman, San Diego, CA

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
Bravo! One of the best weeks in a long time. It really brought the "Far Side" out in a lot of you. Easily a dozen more captions could have qualified for inclusion. Read below. It's worth it.
How'd my captions rank? Well, check below and judge for yourself. Let's just say I remember why I don't do this often. Too many of you took me to school.
And Jrs., remember to include your school with your entry, even if you're not entering it as part of a class effort.

MY CAPTIONS
Looks like the feud with the chickens is coming to a head.
Beware cows bearing gifts, Zeb.
Those Three-penny nails will never hold that treated pine. Stupid cows!
Usually, they just stampede when they're nervous.
I'd check their feed for hormones.
Don't worry, they'll give up on it just like they did the atom smasher.
So, THIS is why milk production's been down.
We may have done one too many cow tippings.
They say animals can predict coming disasters. This should be interesting.

WINNER
"Beware of cows bearing gifts."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"It sounds like they're chanting, 'Eat more chicken.'"
Carlee Shepard, Age 10, The Academy at Lincoln

RUNNERS-UP
"He said something about getting even with the chickens."
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Stupid cows. Measure twice and cut once.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Sure hope they taste better than they build.
Les Thomas

So that's where my wood to repair the barn went!
Nancy Nelson

Remind me to cut back on the BGH.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

"Wow I guess milk can make you strong!"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville, age 13

"Damn internet."
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Great, now I have to get them a gift."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
They said something about King Arthur getting revenge on those guys in the French castle.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Good thing we know our Monty Python.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

DUCK! I know Doreen Cronin is somewhere on this farm!
Okay, I know I won't win and I'll save you the Google unless you have elementary age children. Doreen Cronin is author/illustrator of Click Clack Moo, Cows that Type and 4 or 5 sequels. The farm animals revolt against Farmer Brown led by Duck.
Julia Johnson

BEST "SO ENIGMATIC IT'S FUNNY" CAPTION
In the right light, the one with the hammer looks just like Brad Pitt.
Les Thomas

. . . and for whatever reason, the pigs are building a huge fish.
Les Thomas

BEST INSIDE JOKE
Do you think Tim's ego will fit in thar?
(Remember you've not the only Tim in this contest)
Nancy Nelson

"I don't know Fred, but it looks like Rickard's Folly to me"
Marcia Minsky #8
Communications Officer For The OBRFC
Rockit-On, Number eight!

"You don't reckon Tim thought it was a Trojan Cow do ya?
"Wonder how many Trojan references there will be this week?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

BEST/WORST PUN
Too many "udder" jokes to list.

"Looks like they've been studying 'Graze' Anatomy".
Ed Stumpf, Jamestown

I hear it has a rumen with a view.
Tim Tribbett

"Watching this is a mooving experience."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

"They are an offshoot of the Steering Committee."
Gray Amick. Greensboro

BEST POEM
All the cattle are furious now,
Being milked and then served up as chow.
So while we were in slumber
They bought lots of lumber
And built an immense Trojan cow.

Then they parked it in front of BK
While inside there was hidden away
Twenty cows in the thing,
Who then beat up the King,
And then made it a new Chick-fil-A.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE
The wife asked me to pick up some sheep skin trojans and you know how confused I can get.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"The ribbed design on the outside in interesting…"
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

OTHER TOP CAPTIONS
"I have a feeling that those kids next door are never going to go cow tipping again."
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

There's talk that they're going to rescue Elsie.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Do ya think we can tip that sucker?"
Isaac Studebaker, Summerfield

"Bob, you may want to splurge and get those warmers for your new milking machine."
Kevin Little

"I'm not familiar with Greek mythology - should I be worried?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

If I told 'em once, I told 'em a hundred times, Don't stand under the project without yer hard hats on!
I'm sorry about that Jimmy, but it's been so entertaining, I didn't want to ask for your tools back.
That ain't nothin, my hogs are building a condo.
Les Thomas

"There's another herd in the next field making a big foil package to put it in."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

I rue the day I got them the History Channel.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

I must have missed that episode of New Yankee Workshop.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

"They borrowed the tools without asking again."
James Sykes, Elon

"Plus, I'm having to pay them union scale."
Bill Wallace, High Point

AND NOW: BATTLE OF THE GIANTS
TIM vs JOEL
Interestingly, the two with the most entries included in the short list was Joel Clark, who was arguably JOU's best caption writer from the early days, and the current top caption writer Tim Tribbett. We're all winners.

Mine just eat grass.
Smart? Nah, they try this every year.
I'm not fallin' for that one again!
I think your cows have too much free time.
I told you them Home Depot gift cards was a bad idea!
Didn't your pigs try that the other week?
Them stupid cows forgot the exit hatch.
I would love to see their faces when they come out at the slaughter house.
They're up to something.
Ya kinda hate to eat 'em when they go to that much trouble.
That doesn't concern me nearly as much as the giant barbeque pit.
Ol' Bessie is the ringleader and the rest are just hamburger helpers.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"So this is where my tools went!"
"What did you say you were feeding them ? "
"I just thought you might want to give your herd a little warning."
"It not easy living this close to Gary Larson ! "
"Stupid cows! Now where are they gonna sleep?"
"This is what I meant by the " Farside " of the farm."
"It's their version of "Burning Man"
"They're so smart !! It's gonna kill me to eat those fellas !!! "
"You might want to take a closer look at the hay again."
"It would be even more impressive if they knew how to put their tools away!!! "
"Now what were you saying about that prize winning pig of yours?"
"They hope it scares away any cowtippers!
Joel Clark, Greensboro

THE REST
1.) I'm not fallin' for that one again!
2.) I told you them library cards was a bad idea.
3.) Teaching them ancient greek history was a bad idea Bob.
4.) It's the fact that they think we're that stupid that bothers me.
5.) Ha! Stupid cows think we don't know our Greek mythology!
6.) What a thoughtful gesture.
7.) I think your cows have too much free time.
8.)Should we tell them we know this one?
9.) I told you them Home Depot gift cards was a bad idea!
10.) Didn't your pigs try that the other week?
11.) I'm glad they got a hobby.
12.)You hate to see all that hard work go to waste.
13.)Them stupid cows forgot the exit hatch.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro(this cartoon makes me nostalgic for the Far Side)

From Carlee Shepard, Age 10, The Academy at Lincoln:
"It sounds like they're chanting, 'Eat more chicken.'"

1.) Never look a gift cow in the udder.
2.)What's that hatch for ya reckon?
3.) I smell a rat.
4.)That would look great in the hay barn.
5.)They want us to put it in the hay barn.
6.) I would love to see their faces when they come out at the slaughter house.
7.)They're up to something.
8.)You cows don't forget where you got them tools
9.) It's greek to me. 10.)Sooo, that's who took my book of ancient greek mythology.
11.) You may be milking 'em too hard.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Do ya think we can tip that sucker?"
Isaac Studebaker, Summerfield

They got the idea from reading Homer's "The Iliad."
Ken Layton, Carthage

"They call it a Trojan cow. Udderly brilliant."
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

I supplied the lumber, but i still don't know what it means.
Ken Layton, Carthage

Bossy said that it's tied in to the "Eat Mor Chickin" campaign.
Ken Layton, Carthage

"They are planning to sabotage Chik-Fil-A ."
Doris Hartsfield, Stokesdale

1. Believe it or not, the hard part was getting them to stand upright.
2. Somehow, they convinced me a Trojan cow was a good idea.
Ed Stumpf, Jamestown

1. I think we should Milk this Cartoon for all its worth!
2. Dumb old cows, don't they know we can see them!
3. They asked if I'd help them pull it into the McDonald's parking lot!
4. They got the blueprints off the internet!
5. So that's where my wood to repair the barn went!
5. When I was a child, I had a rocking horse but nothing like this!
6. Old Bessy redesigned the head so it didn't look like a horse!
7. It's an UTTER disgrace! 8. If we don't go along with their demands, No more milk!
( Tim, very cute cartoon, coming up with a good caption may be harder though)
Nancy Nelson

They were inspired by engineering students from NC State.
It's the last time those art students from NC State will visit this farm.
It's part of the "Farming is an Art" program at NC State.
One coyote visit -- and now this!
It's my fault for allowing "The History Channel" in the barn.
They want to be more cultured -- and not just in yogurt.
No more Greek Shorthorn cows for this farm!
But you'd think they'd build a bull.
Sunup to sundown they work like little Trojans.
Joan Lux Greensboro

9. It's an udder disgrace!
10. This is udderly ridiculous!
11. Its all Greek to me!
Nancy Nelson

They said something about King Arthur getting revenge on those guys in the French castle.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"This is udderly ridiculous!"
Cheryl Blythe-Carver, Greensboro

Chick-fil-a's marketing budget has been cut, I see.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro

"Chick-fil-A's not gonna fall for a Trojan Cow!"
John Koppel, Greensboro

I don't know why they're singing "A horse is a horse, of course, of course."
I tried to tell the farmer next door not to plant soybeans.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Well, Old McDonald----looks like words gotten out about your being bought out by your brother Ronald."
"Bob, you may want to splurge and get those warmers for your new milking machine."
"Call Burger King-----they may want to close their drive-thru for tonight."
Kevin Little

1.) They must think we're morons.
2.)Yep,looks like mad cow disease.
3.) Stupid cows.Measure twice and cut once.
4.) Mine just eat grass.
5.)They're giving it to us.Isn't that sweet.
6.) Good thing we know our Monty Python.
7.) I bet you're glad we took that ancient history class now.
8.)Smart? Nah,they try this every year.
9.)They said it would look great next to the grain silos.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I will play you rock ,paper, sicors to see who gets on first
Is there gonna be a milk flood
Who knew?!?
must be a new milk machine
I've never heard of a Trojan Bull.
Ever seen anything like it? Nope, you? Nope.
Paul Seagraves , Graham

DUCK! I know Doreen Cronin is somewhere on this farm!
Julia Johnson

I tried to tell them we have trucks to take the milk to the market, but they wouldn't listen.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Yep. I hired the unemployed cows from 'The Far Side.'"
David Holley, Greensboro

1."WITH THAT EGO, I'M SURPRISED IT'S NOT MADE OUT OF GOLD."
2."HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO EAT MOR CHIKIN LOOKING AT THAT? STEAK ANYONE?"
3."WHO DOES HE THINK IS GOING TO MOOOOVE THAT THING?"
4."THE FIRST LACTOSE-FREE COW."
5."SO THIS IS HIS IDEA OF CLONING?"
6."I GUESS WHEN YOU MILK IT, MULCH COMES OUT."
PAULA HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

1."I HOPE THEY BUILD A FARMER TO MILK IT".
2."ALL I SAID WAS IF THEY WERE TIRED OF BEING MILKED THEY NEED TO BUILD A BETTER COW".
3."I WONDER IF MULCH COMES OUT WHEN YOU PULL THE UDDERS?"
PAULA HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

12. Cow-a bunga!
13. Holy cow!
14. I'm not milking that one!
15. Do you think our cows have mad cow disease?!
16. Shoot! 17. Get your gun, they're all MAD!
18. I feel a raid on the henhouse coming!
19. You don't think the chickens will fall for that old trick, do you?!
20. I'm lactose intolerant!
22. They think the grass is greener on the other side!
23. They think it'll get them to California!
24. Now that's a WHOPPER!
25. If you build it, they will come!
26. They're humming,California Dreaming!
27. Why hire a carpenter, when you can get the cow for free?!
28. The cow's get a little crazy this time of the month!
29. This isn't Bull!
Nancy Nelson

They said it was some kind of corporate icon for bovine birth control products.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

There's talk that they're going to rescue Elsie.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Wow I guess milk can make you strong!"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville, age 13

My entry for this week's cartoon is the following:
"We're calling it 'utter construction.'"
Marcia Weston, McLeansville

"Looks like they've been studying 'Graze' Anatomy".
Ed Stumpf, Jamestown

Do you think Chik-fil-A has anything to do with this insurgency?
Corey Poindexter, Greensboro

"I have a feeling that those kids next door are never going to go cow tipping again."
"This is gonna take cow tipping to a whole new level."
"You should have seen last year's History project."
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"What I can't figure out is how they got the money to pay for the lumber."
"What you see there Fred is the epitome of genetic engineering."
"Makes that commercial on TV seem rather tame, doesn't it?"
"I gotta go make a phone call."
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

This " Eat Mor Chikin " thing is going too far
A Trojan Cow?
This is UTTERly ridiculous
I Wouldn't drink any of that milk
That is a bunch of bull
That is one heck of a T-bone
Our cows have too much time on there hands
I don't wanna even think of where the solders will come out!
A Trojan cow, I don't wanna even think of where the solders will come out!
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro

"Never again, will I give them a day off."
"All I did was give them a day off."
"Now there's a first, I've never seen a cow climb a ladder."
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"Those Chic-Fil-A people are paying big bucks for this one."
Jack Jackson, Greensboro

"All I know is they think 'Drink more soy' is gonna help"
Joyce Jones

1.) Ya kinda hate to eat 'em when they go to that much trouble.
2.) Let's come out tonight and tip it over.
3.) Like I ain't seen that ol' chestnut before.
4.) I secretly erased the hatch from their blue print.
5.) You heard of mad cow diease? This is sneaky cow disease.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.)This will be the best national cow day parade yet!
2.) Well,the wife asked me to pick up some sheep skin trojans but this was all I could find.
3.)The wife asked me to pick up some sheep skin trojans and you know how confused I can get.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

This cow caper could turn out worse than "The Ransom of Red Chief."
Said they're going to visit that soy milk dairy farm down the road.
Joan Lux Greensboro

1. "All I know is that Lancelot, Gallahad and Bedivere are supposed to leap out during the night and catch Ronald McDonald completely by suprise."
2. "Personally, I think it's an "udder" waste of time..."
OK, a Monty Python reference and a bad pun....
Bill Mann, Greensboro

"It's a shame they'll be slaughtered before they finish."
"They said they're making a gift for the people at Wendy's"
"They make a strong case for vegetarianism, don't they?"
"They almost make you wanna quit eating meat...ALMOST!"
"I'm not familiar with Greek mythology - should I be worried?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Maybe I should end movie night before they see "300".
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Udder nonsense."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"It's Greek to me."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

1.) I guess "eat mor chikin" ain't working.
2.)I know what you're thinkin' but it's just fulla cud.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Who ever thought the chickens would fight back?
Do you think this is really going to fool the chickens?
Before you know it, they'll be stealing our hamburgers.
They've been working on it for weeks. They think the chickens don't have a clue.
At midnight, they're going to push it into the parking lot at McDonald's.
Larry Tyrell, Stokesdale

1. "Remember the good ole days when a cow was a cow?"
2. "I'm amazed how smart these "California" cows are!! I've got to admit, they work like Trojans!"
Carol Manley, Eden

I guess they think the grass is greener on the other side.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"They had to send away for the udders."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Mighty nice of them to donate it to the new burger joint in town."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"Maybe the bedtime stories were a mistake."
"Last I heard, it was an offering to Ronald McDonald."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I should have had them build the new barn
I think the girls want to get with the new bull ...
I don't think they understand the Chick-Fil-A ad campaign
I didn't know that they had opposable hooves
Remind me to cut back on the BGH ...
They REALLY want to get in to see a Durham Bulls game ...
I don't have the heart to tell them that the Durham Bulls are baseball players.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

Now that is Uterily rediclous!
Paul Seagraves, Graham

I think is a cross breed, Never seen a bull with utters.
Paul, Graham

'Hey Joe, do you smell chicken?'
James, Barbara

"I heard it's a road trip for Chick Fil-A."
Elizabeth L. Edmonds

In the righ light, the one with the hammer looks just like Brad Pitt.
I Googled "Mad cow disease", it said to look for a change in behaviour . . .
The Vet said to keep 'em active . .
Yah, "Troy" was a good movie, but I'd better shut the shades before I watch "The Great Escape" on the new big screen.
They've been trying to get into the horse's pasture for years.
. . . sure hope they taste better than they build.
If I told 'em once, I told 'em a hundred times, Don't stand under the project without yer hard hats on!
I'm sorry about that Jimmy, but it's been so entertaining, I didn't want to ask for your tools back.
. . . and for whatever reason, the pigs are building a huge fish.
That ain't nothin, my hogs are building a condo.
Les Thomas

"They're planning to fill it with chickens and leave it at Chick-fil-A."
"Watching this is a mooving experience."
"Chick-fil-A is NOT going to like this."
"They started building it right after the methane-gas tax was proposed."
"This looks like a Gary Larson scene."
"It's udder madness...cows can't read."
"Beware of cows bearing gifts."
"I am surprised; I didn't think cows could climb ladders."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

"Here's our ticket to greener pastures, girls!"
"I hear the grass is greener on the other side of the pasture."
"Think it'll work in Rome, Georgia, too?"
"They'll no longer milk us for all we're worth!"
"We might better paint it white with black spots."
"We'll be moooooving at the first light of the mooooon."
"Does it look real enough? Farmer Jones knows his Holsteins."
"We can fool Farmer Jones, but I'm not so sure about the border collies."
"C'mon, girls. It's a late-night run through the Chick-Fil-A drive thru."
"Here we come, Chick-Fil-A drive thru!"
"When I'm with calf, I really crave those chicken nuggets!"
"Ladies, no more grimy field-trip kids pointing at our udders!"
"Funny thing is, they never suspect us. Sheriff always nabs them Turner
boys for cow-tipping."
"Ready for an evening of cow-tipping, girls?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"I don't think that 'Trojan' cow is going to protect anything!"
"There's another herd in the next field making a big foil package to put it in."
"It's got to work. It's just too big to fail."
"The scary thing is, I saw 55 gallon drum of fluorescent paint that they're going to use to paint it."
"The ribbed design on the outside in interesting..."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

1,)Yeah, I know what they're planning but my TV is broke and I'm bored.
2.)That doesn't concern me nearly as much as the giant barbeque pit.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"A strange breed----a cross between Holsteins and historical re-enactors."
"I don't care how--- I just smell blue ribbons at the State Fair parade!"
Kevin Little

"They plan to raid and burn the slaughterhouse!"
"The wood and nails were funded by the stimulus package!"
"I hear they are being added in the new jobs count!
"I see it as an utter disaster!"
"Their plans are Greek to me!
"I am impressed, the plans are in Greek!"
"They all have onset of Mad Cow Disease!"
"They downloaded Trojan Horse plans by mistake!
"They want to surprise the cows at the dairy farm"
"The chickens are peeved! That the wood from their coop!"
"That's my crew!. They have have engineering degrees from MooU!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

1.) I reckon it'll explode from the methane gas buildup
2.) Wanna buy some cattle real cheap?
3.) Ol' Bessie is the ringleader and the rest are just hamburger helpers.
4.) We're gonna ambush that #$%&* farmer that stole my best pig Helen!
5.) They've kinda lost the element of surprise.
6.) I'll just hook it to the pickup and haul 'em to market.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro (Gray Amick's amber alert runnerup was my favorite last week)
It was one of my favorites too.

I rue the day I got them the History Channel.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

These here cows of mine, are trying to find away,to get more fiber in their meat. But to me it looks like it going to tast like wood.
Mike G., Greensboro

"I heard one of 'em say it's supposed to be like a prophylactic equine."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Last week they tried catapulting out.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

"Well, I guess if Helen can have a horse, Bessie can have a cow"
"I don't know Fred, but it looks like Rickard's Folly to me"
Marcia Minsky #8, Communications Officer For The OBRFC

1) buddy, their trying to remake the chic fil a commercial
2) that cow is gonna have some huge...round....wheels!
3) Dilbert, what are you feeding these cows?
4) Look at the set on that cow.....horns that is!
5) looks like they dont have enough steaks to finish the project.
6) they want us to eat more chicken
7) im telling you billy, this was all their idea, i told em to milk it for whats its worth!
8) ever since i put a tv in the barn they think their gonna be on that commercial.
9) i told them to not MILK this project but still use TENDER touch when nailing the STEAKS in then blow the HORN when their done.
10) look at the wood on that cow!
11) dilbert, i told you its for the rolling of the bulls 2009 in spain.
tyler olson

1. I didn't know Chick-fil-a was having a parade.
2. You should seen what the chickens were up to.
3. I must have missed that episode of New Yankee Workshop.
4. It keeps them from going mad, you know.
5. Now I know why all of that paint got delivered.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

"It's for the bull and he wants them to take it to the china shop."
"They insisted on recycling the wood from my old barn."
"My herd volunteered for the sets of Heifer's Odyssey."
"I think it's utterly ridiculous Fletch."
"It's their answer to the swine flu threat."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

1. "You don't reckon Tim thought it was a Trojan Cow do ya?
2. "These Greek cows sure are funny."
3. "Wonder how many Trojan references there will be this week?"
4. "They just watched that movie "Chicken Run."
5. "I heard they were hoping to attract a large blue ox in the area."
6. "I never knew your cows were so clever Sam."
7. "So that's why you were needing all that wood.!"
8. "What in the world is all this about?"
9. "Sam, this is downright wierd."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"If I'm translating it right, that right there is a prophylactic equine."
"Not too bad for critters without opposable thumbs."
"Sure it'll work. Just last week they helped the goats make a real live rocketship."
"That one on the right there is about as worthless as a fifth teat."
"I just don't think they've thought this through."
"If they get caught, I'm afraid it could mean the slaughterhouse."
"Yeah, they're stuck. Government's making them put in an airbag."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

1. "Worst case of Mad Cow Disease I've seen."
2. "I really need to cut back on my cough medicine."
3. "That's the ugliest horse I've ever seen."
4. "Great, now I have to get them a gift."
5. "That's utterly ridiculous."
6. "You really shouldn't let them watch the History Channel."
7. "Maybe it's part of the stimulus package."
8. "Don't worry, as soon as it falls asleep we'll push it over."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"They're trying to protect themselves from the swine."
"I didn't know you had Greek cows."
"Have you been reading your cows the Iliad again Homer?"
"Mine are building the same thing just out of straw."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1) " So this is where my tools went ! "
2) " What did you say you were feeding them ? "
3) " It's nice but how has it affected milk output ? "
4) " I told him it was a stupid plan but he's so bull headed . "
5) " He said something about getting even with the chickens. "
6) " I just thought you might want to give your herd a little warning."
7) " It not easy living this close to Gary Larson ! "
8) " I know you're proud of them but the fact is they didn't ask to borrow my tools ! "
9) " Stupid cows ! Now where are they gonna sleep ? "
10) " You might want to take a closer look at the hay again . "
11) " I don't know why, but they've been at it since they got loose in Willie Nelson's pasture ! "
12) " Old McDonald has really lost control over there. "
13) " This is what I meant by the " Farside " of the farm. "
14) " It's their version of "Burning Man" . "
15) " I told them if they built the barn themselves that I would stay out of it. "
16) " On one hand, it's very cool. On the other hand, it kinda gives me the creeps ! "
17) " Now what were you saying about that prize winning pig of yours ? "
18) " A golden calf it's not, but not a bad try . "
19) " They hope it scares away any cowtippers !
20) " They're so smart !! It's gonna kill me to eat those fellas !!! "
21) " It would be even more impressive if they knew how to put their tools away !!! "
22) " I'm going to check and see if the bible mentions this !!! "
23) " I don't think this will end well ! "
24) " I'd like to see old man Johnson's pig top this. "
25) " Last year one of them sinks a boat, now this !!! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"You just had to teach them about the Trojan War!"
Ciara Tolbert, Nathanael Greene Elementary, Age 10, Julian,

"They see it as a cattle mutilation deterrent."
"They are an offshoot of the Steering Committee."
"At least it's an environmentally safe mode of transportation."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

30. Haven't you heard of a Creative Cow?
31. Who ever hear of a Trojan Cow?
32. Do you think Tim's ego will fit in thar? (Remember you've not the only Tim in this contest
33. Well Bessie told me Elsa was getting bored so I bought this model kit?!
24. Maybe they'll build themselves a fancy barn, next time!
Nancy Nelson

"GOT MULCH?"
PAULA HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

Next week, we're going to do something we haven't done in a while. It's called "Beat the cartoonist." I've written a few gags for this cartoon. See if your ideas match - or beat - mine (which will be posted on next week's blog.)

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

More varied entries than I expected, although the stale theme now smells like a two-week-old boiled egg. My favorite? "'The Jokes On You' is a ‘Joy For Me.'" from Aileen.
A rarity, this week, two winners. Usually, we pick the wording we like better or pick by first received. These similar captions were entered at the same time (one by snail mail) and it was impossible to choose between the wording of the two.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON

WINNER
"If I lay them, why do you get all the credit?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"I do all the work, you get all the credit."
Dorothy Sykes, Elon

JR. DIVISION WINNER
Are you sure this is the style these days?
Savannah Latham, age 10

RUNNERS-UP
"How would you feel if I painted your kids?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Stop hiding my kids!
Mike G., Greensboro

He was only 13 days old when he got that tattoo.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"When you told me you were placing them in good homes I didn't know you meant like this!"
Kindale McKnight

I crossed the road to kick your #$%&*
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"There's an Amber Alert out for this one."
Gray Amick , Greensboro

How many times do I have to tell you, Don't put them all in one basket
Ronnie Seagrave, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"Don't the need you back at the battery company?"
Kris Voy, Trinity

"Don't you have some Trix to chase after or something."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

You just keep going, and going, and going .....
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Silly rabbit, chicks are for kids."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"This was supposed to be last week's JOKE!"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville
Yeah, the week off really made this seem dated …

When we finish up here we can go fishin' like Tim.
Joan Lux Greensboro

Tim, I see you've laid another egg!
This cartoon is starting to smell bad!
Rabbit, you need to plan ahead so we won't be stuck in old rotten cartoons!
Nancy Nelson

I think Rickard's losing it. He FORGOT he was going on vacation?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Of course Rickard claims he was on vacation, fact is the N & R forced him to go to a Cartoon Drawing for Dummies Seminar in Toledo."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

You're no Tim Rickard!
Tim Tribbett
Hmmm I need to create another category "BEST SHAMELESS PANDERING TO THE ARTIST."

Alright, but this is the LAST time. Brewster's getting suspicious!
Marcia Minsky #8
Communications Officer
OBRFC
Rockit-On, Number eight!

BEST/WORST PUN
I told you NO Refunds, NO Eggchanges
Nancy Nelson

"I'm no 'egg-spurt', but this one seems to have a hare-line crack."
Jim Schrum, Greensboro
Happy retirement, Jim

Coloring my kids is a big faux paz!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

BEST POEM
Both the hen and the bunny's big race is
Getting eggs out to millions of places.
But their work over load
Makes them tend to explode,
So they wind up as two basket cases.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Cluck, Cluck, cluck,
You're out of luck,
I don't take back eggs that have been boiled,dyed and cracked,
Now you're stuck
If you had of stayed on track,
you wouldn't be trying to bring them back.
Easter bunny, go away
and never again go astray.
With the our economy so Bad
waste just makes Mad!
Right now, I'm feeling a wee bit Sad!
Nancy Nelson

MATURE
I'm gonna cluck you up!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I STUCK A MAGIC MARKER UP YOUR @%*& !!!!!
SAM PENRY, GREENSBORO

THE SCHOOLS
Rankin Elementary, submitted by Louise Monroe
Stan R: Why are you messing with my eggs, dummy the bunny?

Jimmy G. Orosco, Jr.: You are supposed to crack pinatas...not my eggs!

Kyara B: I don't want in on this Easter junk, so take your dumb egg back.

Thao Vi Huynh: My eggs are being thrown by a ...? a...? What ARE you?

Imani Campbell: You look stupid in the dumb bunny constume!

Nicholas Harden: Hey, do you know the labor I have to go through to get these eggs?

Ericka G: It's MY turn to sit on the eggs!

Olivia T: You're a danger to all of us mother chickens, jerk! Now get your fluffy tail out of here!

Jhakura O: Why did you steal my egg? Aren't you supposed to be GIVING them?

Sharee M: Bunny, you stole my wife's egg. That's why we don't celebrate Easter! Can't you tell the difference?

Jasmine Watson: Why have you taken my child, filled it with candy, and given it to another child?

Chelsea D. Sosa: Give me those eggs or I'll peck you!

Sawyer R: Why did you do this to my BABY?!?

Amanda Christina Whitfield: Keep them in order: Polly goes over there, and Fred is supposed to be right here... You know, just give thme to me.

Zaira G: Maybe they should change it to the Easter Chicken, you mammal!

Ashlee Askew: My babies are going to hatch, and when you hide them, they are going to walk away... just like I'm about to do with you.

Kionah F: You replaced my baby with an Easter egg with an IOU written on it!

Holly R: I'm not playing around with you. Let's get the quackers on!

HThanh Nay: Do you see this??? It's the property of hens!

"That's my baby you're talking about!!!"
Ciara Tolbert, Nathanael Greene Elementary, Age 10

Frazier school submitted by Louise Monroe
Ajay L: Why did you scramble my eggs, Bunny?

Arianna Faith Wright: Why do you do this to me? I get up to use the bathroom and the next thng I know, an ugly egg is where my kid should be!

Khaliq Williamson: If we're going Easter egg hunting, I'd better win or my wife will be so mad!

April Alcantar: Hen: What are you doing to my eggs?
Bunny: I'm the Easter Bunny.
Hen: Well, I'm not in an Easter mood after seeing you do this!

OTHER TOP VOTE GETTERS
In order
"Silly rabbit, chicks are for kids."
Gray Amick , Greensboro

My children are too young for makeup!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

What's this I hear about boiling water?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"So, it wasn't the fox in the henhouse after all!"
Libby Blythe, Greensboro

"Why do I have to paint them if you're just going to hide them?"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"I lay 'em. YOU hide 'em!"
John Koppel, Greensboro

EVERY FREAKIN' APRIL!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"When you offered to do a painting of my kids, this is not what I had in mind."
Kevin Little

That's no way to pick up chicks!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"You can thank my leaky gall bladder for these reds and purples."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I know times are tough, but I cannot believe you tried to sneak Junior in there!
Debra Schaben, Kernersville

"Who gave you permission to paint up my child like this?????"
C. D. Cooper

Why do they feel so solid inside?
Tim Tribbett

"I go through all the pain of childbirth, and you're just here for the delivery!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

That's the last time you babysit for me pal!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Are you really with an adoption agency?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Did I mention I'm Jewish?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro
This is here due to my lone vote. Pity, As I thought it was clever.

THE REST
1.) Sooo,the hidden babysitter camera was right!
2.) You tellin' me I don't know my own eggs?!
3.)Little Billy here was never part of the deal!!
4.)Stop calling me the octochicken!
5.)That's the last time you babysit for me pal!
6.) I was starting to think I was menopausal!
7.)Are those free range?!
8.)My children are too young for makeup!
9.)What's this I hear about boiling water?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

You're not dropping MY baby from a helicopter.
Every mother knows her own baby.
If you ever saw me lay an egg you'd keep your paws off.
What do you mean "leftovers" -- are you talking pickled beet eggs?
Joan Lux Greensboro

If you add a bit more beach. you'll get rid of these blotches.
Ken Layton, Carthage

I hope you appreciate the strain on my system to produce all these colors.
Ken Layton, Carthage

Do you lay these yourself, or do you import from China?
Ken Layton, Carthage

This is the last colored egg I am laying. That food coloring in my feed is killing me.
David Vaughn, Madison

Not worried about salmonella -- just other diseases from grubby little kids' hands.
His father wants him home NOW!
He was only 13 days old when he got that tattoo.
It's been humming "A Tisket, A Tasket" all day long.
It's not interested in participating in an egg roll.
OK, as long as it's the Grand Prize egg.
Joan Lux Greensboro

"Really Rabbit, our L'eggs fit your legs".
Richard Riedel, High Point

Oh Yeah! It may just be a game to you, but to me it's family
Pam Hart, Siler City

"I guess the rooster had designs on that chick"
Judy Riedel, High Point

"Are you the egg donor?"
"If I lay them, why do you get all the credit?"
"I go through all the pain of childbirth, and you're just here for the delivery!"
"I endure all the pain, and you go hoppin' down the bunny trail!"
"Hippity, hoppity, Easter's on its way!...Now listen here, Sonny!"
"How 'bout sticking to the little plastic eggs?"
"Foxes get all the flack for raiding the chicken coop, but how about the sweet little Easter Bunny?"
"The finger's always pointed at the sly old fox, but how about the sweet little Easter Bunny?"
"I want my septuplets back! I"m planning to be on the cover of People next week!"
"Have you heard of OctoMom? Well, I'm SeptuMom, and I want my eggs back!"
"Don't the need you back at the battery company?"
"I find your egg redistribution program a bit socialistic."
Kris Voy, Trinity

It's go time!
2.) Ever hear of plastic eggs?!
3.) If you want them to come out decorated you'll have to be patient!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Really Rabbit, our L'eggs fit your legs".
Richard Riedel, High Point

"So, it wasn't the fox in the henhouse after all!"
Libby Blythe, Greensboro

I told you NO Refunds, NO Eggchanges!
2. You were supposed to drop these in the ball park for the egg hunt!
3. Easter Bunny, what do you mean you were watching the Basketball Final and just forgot!
4. It's not mine ,its plastic! 5. How would you like it if somebody cracked you open?
6. Now you want me to sit on it! 7. I'm dyeing to find out who laid this egg!
8. Listen up, it's a little late for Easter delivery!
9. It doesn't go with my new Easter outfit!
10. I prefer Chocolate!
Nancy Nelson

"Make it, take it", is the rule, bub!
Jon Cook, GSO

DNA will prove they are all mine
How many times do I have to tell you, Don't put them all in one basket
Give them back, rabbits don't lay eggs
Chicken or the egg, it doesn't say anything about rabbits
Ronnie Seagraves - Greensboro

I can't even have a girl's night out with you around!
2.) Are you really with an adoption agency?!
3.) VANDAL!
4,)They're my children not modern art!
5.)Why do they feel so solid inside?! 6.) What you're paying me is chicken feed!
7.) You colored them? I thought I had a hormone imbalance or something!
8.) The artwork gonna cost extra!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

If it hatches, keep it away from the M&M's in the lawn.
ANONYMOUS, G'boro

"I'm no 'egg-spurt', but this one seems to have a hare-line crack."
Jim Schrum, Greensboro

"When you offered to do a painting of my kids, this is not what I had in mind."
Kevin Little

1 "I'm not going to say it again. The chicken came first!"
2."Why are you placing them all on their heads?"
3."You believed him when he told you that hopping around like that would make scrambled eggs?"
Stan Dymek, Summerfield

"I lay 'em. YOU hide 'em!"
John Koppel, Greensboro

I told you not to drink paint before you lay eggs
Jason Seagraves, Summerfield

I Told you NOT to let the peacock in the Hen House.
Mike Condon, Greensboro

I'm sick of you getting all the credit!
2.) No more rush jobs!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

You've been eating Crayons again havn"t you?
Ronnie Seagraves Greensboro

"YOU'RE LATE!!!"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"YOU'RE LATE! Late, late, late. Late! "
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"Of course I can make them, but the question is...can you sell them?"
Hal Koger, McLeansville

"This was supposed to be last week's JOKE!"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"YOU'RE LATE! This was supposed to be last week's joke! Stupid Rabbit!"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"You call this value added merchandise?"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

"Who do you think I am, Fabergé?"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville

1.) I crossed the road to kick your #$%&*
2.)You're gonna think the sky is fallin' in a minute pal!
3.)EVERY FREAKIN' APRIL!
4.) If my eggs are too pricey use your little brown ones!
5.) I'm gonna cluck you up!
6.) You're turning me into a basketcase!
7.)Stop hiding my kids!
8.)That's no way to pick up chicks!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Dyed Eggs, Painted Eggs, what's the difference?
You're Fired, It's now " The Easter Chicken"
Which came first? The Chicken or the Rabbit?
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro

I'm good to eat before birth.
I'm good to eat after birth.
Gilbert Howell, Greensboro

This one was a pain in the rear; I'm keeping it.
Gilbert Howell, Greensboro

Tell me again,How does this relate to,Christ's Reserection,or Pass Over?
Mike G. of Greensboro.

HERE YOUR ORDER IS FINISHED
Mike G. of Greensboro.

3. It's going 2 cost you this year rabbit,the cost of my feed has doubled
Mike G. of Greensboro.

4. How is it rabbit,you get all the press, while I work my ah. off.For this 1 Holiday?
Mike G. from Greensboro.

So you're the 1 whose's been kidnapping my eggs,just don't let the octo mom get a hold of them.
Mike G. Greensboro.

"In the immortal words of Will Keith Kellogg---Leggo my Eggos!"
"Give'm all back, or meet The Easter Chicken---giver of lucky rabbit's feet!"
Kevin Little

"I thought I said Grade A brown."
Patrick Lineberry, Greensboro

I thought you wuz my peep!
2.) Don't put them all in one basket!
Tim Tribbett

"This was our BABY!"
-Susan, Greensboro

"Don't you have some Trix to chase after or something."
"Stay away from my eggs with your darn crayolas!"
"How'd you like it if I drew all over your 10,000 offsring."
"You and the Paz company will be hearing from my lawyers!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Is this coloring FDA approved?!
Tim Tribbett

Basic white not good enough for ya?!
2.) Those don't grow on trees pal!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) dude, give me my kids back!
2) dude, how am i gonna tell which ones were mine
3) i dont want your eggs! i can get my own!
4) this is why i hate easter, people always stealing my stuff!
5) you said you were gonna bring my eggs back.....this is a fake egg!
6) until you deliver this one.......make sure you keep it warm.
tyler olson greensboro

Catch !
Missed this one by a hare !
This one was missed by a hare !
I missed being a mother-hen by a hare !
Hope your basket is insured !
Is that basket insured ?
I call it robbing Peter ( Rabbit ) to pay Paul !
I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket !
How would you like some egg in your hare ?
Chick Filet is not hiring, try IHOP !
Where's my egg money ?
You need a hare cut !
I'm keeping my Pedegg !
Those rabbit ears prove " The sky is Falling ! "
Collecting tortise eggs cost you the race !
One cage free is better than all yours !
You really do get up with the hens !
Want some egg in your hair, hare ?
My future is in your hand !
Think of the next generation !
You just keep hunting, hunting, hunting .....
You just keep going, and going, and going .....
Mine is cage free !
You're over the insured amount already !
Production is down a little !
I'll trade you for those rabbit ears !
You can't have my nest egg !
Nice disguise Foxy Woxy !
Your rabbit suit looks good Foxy Woxy !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I don't care if your name is Cadbury, we're still not related!
Ken Sheldon, Elon

We never get a break during Easter !
Looks like you're having a bad hare day !
Only a hare brain would put all her eggs in your basket !
Hoppy Easter to you too !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
"I'm not eating any more paintballs--- get off your fluffy duff and color them yourself!"
Kevin Little

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I STUCK A MAGIC MARKER UP YOUR @%*& !!!!!
SAM PENRY, GREENSBORO

IF YOU EVER "BORROW" ANOTHER ONE I'LL HAVE YOU PUT ON THE EGGS OFFENDER LIST!
SAM PENRY, GREENSBORO

"Silly rabbit, chicks are for kids."
"There's an Amber Alert out for this one."
"I hope you and your rabbit ears are ready for the June 12th transition."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

1)"you do this every Easter and I never get the eggs back?
2) I saw you on America`s Most Wanted
3) We do all the work and you take the credi
4) The eggs were not part of the buy out plan.
John Lonergan, Whitsett

"Let me explain the term 'free' in free-range eggs, Bub!"
Kevin Little

No refunds on altered merchandise!
Tim Tribbett

6.Between us & the big white guy,we got a pretty good geg here,but I heard he didn't do well last year. But with the goiverment bail out maybe we might recover.
Mike G. of Greensboro.

The way Obamha is embracing Muslums,this might be our last geg Rabbit.
Mike G., Greensboro.

You're no Tim Rickard!
Tim Tribbett

Both the hen and the bunny's big race is
Getting eggs out to millions of places.
But their work over load
Makes them tend to explode,
So they wind up as two basket cases.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Take a Break ? ? ?
We both can multiply !
Ha ! What can you teach me about multiplying ?
Can't we multiply together ?
Interested in a little shell game ?
Know a good brokerage firm ?
Think IHOP will have me, I'm leaving Chick-fil-A ?
No ! You don't share Ped Egg !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

11. You're late! You're late! For a very important date!
12. Is this a Cadbury Egg?!
13. The yolks all over you! 14. Did you get stuck in the Rabbit Hole again?!
Nancy Nelson

"Did I mention I'm Jewish?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

"What do I think?! I think you're giving Hannibal Lecter a good run for his money."
"Well, well, well.if it ain't the Cannibal King.."
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

I was expecting something more like a Faberge
You see how happy you are being cooped up all day ...
This egg artwork is not worth crowing about ...
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

Do you ever take a break ? ? ?
Take a Break ? ? ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Quit spiking my chicken feed with Paz!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. "Quick, hide these before my husband finds out I've been seeing a Peacock."
2. "Remember, hide this one where it won't be found for at least a week."
3. "Give me that! It's no wonder some chicks have abandonment issues."
4. "EGGNAPPER!!!!"
5. "If I have to drink another drop of food coloring, I'm going to be sick."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Get your dirty rotten Paas off of my eggs."
"You Pirate. Take me instead."
Joel Tuggle, Archdal

"You thought just because you decorated them, I couldn't identify my own?"
"Ever thought about laying your own?"
"Nice artwork, now clean them up!"
Ian Knight, Greensboro, NC

My Best for all the Rest!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"You dumb bunny, I can't believe you used lead-based paint!"
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

I'm not working for chicken fee !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

I'm telling you I don't color or dye the eggs I just eat M&Ms.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"You rustlin' varmint, this one here is carryin' my brand."
"I don't think you can carry all your eggs in one basket."
"You don't have any idea what I've had to drink to get them like this."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

I'll treat you to IHOP if you tell me where the golden egg is.
Let?s egg the tooth fairys house.
Did you know you won?t be able to pick up any signals with your ears after June12th?
I told you not to use lead dye.
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"Easter Bunny, my eye! I make these! Why is there no Easter Chicken?!!"
John Koppel, Greensboro

1) "For the last time, you are not the Easter Bunny !!! "
2) "Why do I have to paint them if you're just going to hide them ? "
3) "How would you feel if I hide you kids ? "
4) "How would you feel if I painted your kids ? "
5) "I'd better get them all back ! "
6) "Easter is a pain in the... !!
7) "I think you're a crazy rabbit with a Santa complex !! "
8) "THIS is what you do with them ? "
9) "How'd you like a foot in the cottontail ?
10) "Why don't you just come out of the closet ? "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"How would you like it if I tattooed YOUR children??"
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

"Your taking my eggs to the Octomom??!???"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro

"Ane lastly, this one is Bob....do NOT sit him on a wall like you did Humpty Dumpty."
Cockerham, Greensboro

This one has eight yolks. I call it octoegg. Please take it to you-know-who.
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

15. Roosters don't lay eggs!
15. What do you mean my children are all spoiled rotten?!
Nancy Nelson

"The deal's off! You can lay your own eggs next year."
"Thief!"
"Here's the last one for the Octomom."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1. How am I supposed to lay the egg?
2. When you said go look for eggs I thought you meant chicken eggs!
Samantha Crosier, Jamestown age 11
Roy Crosier

" Do you find this funny... well DO YOU"
" Thanks alot, I already have enough eggs to care for, I don't need any MORE!!!!"
Ryan Natal, age 12

"When you told me you were placing them in good homes I didn't know you meant like this!"
Kindale McKnight

1.)Coloring my kids is a big faux paz!
2.)Silly rabbit,eggs are for chickens!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

How would you like it if I dyed your kids?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"You can hide.but you can't lay!"
"Yeah? Well I don't give a rip what Cadbury says!"
"It was the chicken that came FIRST, buster!"
"What part of organic do you not understand!"
"If God wanted eggs to look like this I would have laid it that way!"
"And take that 'dumb bunny' look off your face!"
"YOU get all the publicity while I work for chicken feed!"
And don't try to pull that 'Harvey' stuff with me!"
Don Byers, Greensboro

Sorry, I don't do "designer" eggs!
Jerry Amos, Oak Ridge

Almost two weeks old -- these ARE rotten eggs!
When we finish up here we can go fishin' like Tim.
Two weeks later and we STILL haven't found all the eggs!
Joan Lux, Greensboro

And What kinda joke do you think this is!
Paul Seagraves, Graham

16. Tim, I see you've laid another egg!
17. I'm guessing emu! ( Hope you had a good vacation)
18. This cartoon is starting to smell bad!
19. What's a Cadbury?!
20. Rabbit, you need to plan ahead so we won't be stuck in old rotten cartoons!
Nancy Nelson

I think Rickard's losing it. He FORGOT he was going on vacation?
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Peter, I told you to bring low-fat! This is going to blow my diet!
Melissa K. Poteat, Greensboro

" Ok, so which ones did YOU put in my nest beacause I can't tell the difference"
" ... So the ones are the LEFT are the chocolate, oh snap don't i feel embarassed"
Ryan Natal, age 12

"Who do you think you are...Angelina Jolie!?"

Heli Benson, Greensboro

Are you sure this is the style these days?
Savannah, age 10

"Forget it. I am NOT putting all my eggs in one basket!"
Isabel Freeman, Greensboro

"Ain't no bunny gonna put all MY eggs in ONE basket!"
Mary Edwards Plybon, Greensboro

I'm sitting this one out ! ! !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

We've got to stop seeing each other !! My husband's already very suspicious.
David

"Unless you come up with tastier paint, you can hand-color your eggs yourself!"
Kevin Little

"That was not a buffet you just left, that was my henhouse!"
Marsha Elam

"Did I forget to mention I'm Jewish?"
Marsha Elam, Greensboro

Who said Don't put all your eggs in one basket?
Pat Hodges, Greensboro

The dye job gonna cost you extra!
2.) You egg stealing sPAZ!
3.)Wait til they're laid before you color 'em!
4.)Sharing a little credit would be nice!
Tim Tribbett

"You're a Rabbit.. a Rabbit!!!
This is outsourcing at it very worst!!!
What do you mean...consider this a bailout!!!
Vern Rodgers, Greensboro

"I am sick and tired of kids confusing my eggs for yours! Paint em! Maybe white."
"Oh yeah. You`re boyfriend gave me this."
"Stop stealing my eggs our I`ll scramble YOURS!"
Jr.division Jordan Frye,9

Let me tell you something Bunny Boy. You color one more? of my ?eggs, and you will spend the rest of your life in a briar patch!
Easter Bunny! Do you have any idea how silly you look?
What do you know about eggs?
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

Some hare keeps getting under my feathers!
Remember, you've lost big leads before.
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

What are you talking about? These are Robin Eggs.
Paul Seagraves, Graham

And you think a dinner and a movie makes this ok!
Paul Seagraves, Graham

Look at the little M on each egg and that will prove I eat M&Ms to color my eggs.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

"Put your order in earlier, you dumb bunny?"
"Laying these colored eggs is killing me"
"Short of eggs!? Don't blame. It was your idea to outsource!"
"You want them hard boiled!? This was not in the PO!"
"If you are not satisfied, lay your own eggs!"
"You need glasses! I am not a goose and this egg is not golden!"
"I can't help it. The farmer made an omelet for twenty!
"I found this is the school playground. Is it still good?'
"Things are tough! My husband wound up in coq-au-van!"
"It's plastic. Cheap and good for multi events!"
"Remember! It is nature's perfect food!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Who gave you permission to paint up my child like this?????"
C. D. Cooper

21. We're downsizing you've been laid off!
Nancy Nelson

"I know it's an egg!! Duh!! But, all I'm asking you is what do you think came first, the chicken or the egg??"
Carol Manley, Eden

Have you been "Robin" eggs again?
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro

Alright, but this is the LAST time. Brewster's getting suspicious!
Marcia Minsky #8, Communications Officer, OBRFC

"I told you to stay off the carrot juice while you coloured the eggs!"
"You dumb bunny! You're supposed to HIDE the eggs, not collect them."
Heidi Huber

"You can thank my leaky gall bladder for these reds and purples."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Of course Rickard claims he was on vacation, fact is the N & R forced him to go to a Cartoon Drawing for Dummies Seminar in Toledo."
Gray Amick, Greensboro