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The Joke's On You

So, you think you're funny. Here's your chance to make thousands laugh at your joke.

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May 17, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 051812

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 052412
 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
Your out-of-this-world-captions this week were set for “fun” and hit “warped” speed! Even had a few laser-guided gags poking fun at local drivers.
Next week: Forsooth! Is that a damsel in distress?
  
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

 

WINNER
Now, relax. There’s not much traffic, you have plenty of space.
Teddy Sparks, Greensboro
 
RUNNER-UPS
How many times to I have to tell you, meteorites always have the right of way.
Gray Amick, Area 51
 
"Remember now. Hands at 10 and 2 ... and 4 and 8."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Try to stay at least two light years behind the next craft."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
I got it off the top of one of those earth vehicles. I have no idea what it means.
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
So no one can drive past Roswell? Just for that?
David Guion, Greensboro
 
Your space driving is fine, but the real test comes when we get on Wendover Avenue.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
You didn't use your turn signal, are you from North Carolina?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
 
Ok, for your final test, parallel park over West Virginia and see how many people you can scare.
Mike Parsons, Bethlehem, PA
 
JR. WINNER
My dad doesn't need to know about the ticket right?
Emma R., 12, Greensboro Academy
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
We should totally go to the dark side.
William, Triangle Lake
 
Why does it say 'student' instead of 'alien?'
Chase, Frazier
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Warp speed on your first lesson? R.U. Sirius?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Pay attention! We almost hit that flying carpet from two weeks ago!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Remember, always watch out for the other guy.....especially Brewster Rockit!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"We better drop this load of Kryptonite off somewhere or we'll never get a decent caption!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Now if you're going to pilot the R.U. Sirius, you have to pay attention!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Yes, you can listen to 'Thus Sprach Zarathustra' while driving today,
Mike Perry
 
No, I'm not going to call you Mr. Sulu!
Mike Perry
 
You should have turned left at that last Nazca line!
Mike Perry
 
Some day soon, you'll be burning out your fuse up here alone.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
No. If you die in a wreck, 'Klatu berada nicto' will not fix it!
Mike Perry
 
Did you see that Star Trooper back there?
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
No, that guy we passed did not look like Ray Walston!
Mike Perry
 
You make "Teenagers From Outer Space" look like an old Ford drivin' jewish couple!
Mike Perry
 
You're right, that did look like Howard Wolowitz on the ISS!
Mike Perry
 
I know you were expecting Beldar Conehead as your instructor but he called in sick today.
Gray Amick, Area 51
 
"Striker, you're too low."
(Surely, you can’t be serious!)
"For your final, you'll have to hit a womp rat."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"Take a left at Pluto, if it's still there."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
BEST LOCAL CAPTIONS
Your space driving is fine, but the real test comes when we get on Wendover Avenue.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
You didn't use your turn signal, are you from North Carolina?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
 
BEST POEMS
Teaching Zelnot to drive's a mistake!
Now the teacher's green tenticles ache.
    He can't take any more!
    They're all tender and sore
From the saucer's emergency brake.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
It seems so unnecessary
And a waste of considerable dough
To hire a driving instructor
To learn to pilot an U.F.O.
Just purse your lips,
Put your hands on your hips,
And command, "Number One, make it so!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
My dad doesn't need to know about the ticket right?
Emma R., 12
-----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Triangle Lake Montessori
Cullen: Earthlings! They're all idiots!
Z-Man: Let's go kick that asteroid.
T.M.: You have officially earned this ticket saying you're the craziest driver that ever lived.
Taha: Let's go to earth and say our complaints. Boom! I wish I were im-alien.
Tre: Hey, look, it's the big dipper.
Zahabia: Be extrta careful, because Meteor Meti is coming over soon.
Kalani: You blew up Pluto and Neptune. You pass!
J.Kate: What are those creatures in the big fluffy marshmallow suits?
Chloe: Next time, don't run into Pluto!
Matthew: Let's go back to Mars University.
Joe: It's my turn.
Jade: Dude! We almost crashed into the moon!
Angela: You just blew up Earth. Awesome!
Lyndon: ...then abduct Earth.
William: We should totally go to the dark side.
Chay: Come on! Go faster! I'm having a baby and I think it's not going to come out right!
Camryn T.: I'm a Martian, boom, shaka , locka.
Nick: What traffic? We're in space.
The Dollar General: Stop, it's a red planet.
 
Frazier
Mahogany: I have one word. Actually two. Actually, I don't know how you got an F grade!
Chase: Why does it say 'student' instead of 'alien?'
Pretty'n'Pink: Want to go get pizza, honey?
Louai: How did we get all the way into orbit?
Jami'el: Wait, we're not the pizza guy!
J.T.: You don't pass a red light and run over an alien pedestrian! You pass a green light, and then run over a pedestrian.
Brandon P.: Watch out for Jupiter and, hey, Saturn.
 
-----------
THE REST
"Warp speed on your first lesson? R.U. Sirius?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Maybe we should postpone today's lesson. You look a little spaced out."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Pay attention! We almost hit that flying carpet from two weeks ago!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I'm hungry too, but we can't stop for candy every time we pass Mars!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Don't stop at that blue planet for directions. Nobody there knows which way is up!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Remember now. Hands at 10 and 2.....and 4 and 8."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, you'll have to go a little faster than 17 m.p.h. I've got another lesson at three."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Watch out for the guy in the vest picking up space junk on the right!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Sorry! If I knew we were coming to the Milky Way, I would have brought some Lactaid!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Remember, always watch out for the other guy.....especially Brewster Rockit!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, not every blinking light means slow down!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Take a left at Pluto, if it's still there."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Today, you're going to learn how to tell your asteroid from your elbow."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You know, your left turn signal has been on since we left Andromeda."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"That's not funny! You know that's not what I meant by 'fire boosters'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Just be glad you don't need to learn to parallel park.
From Marcia Berger, Greensboro
 
Dang it, you can't use the phaser just because someone's a slow driver!
Mike Perry
 
Okay, now remember to signal with your right hands!
Mike Perry
 
I said "Left at the Milky Way, not "Eat a Milky Way."
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Remember- you can't engage the hyper-drive while it's still in neutral!
Mike Perry
 
Yes, you can listen to 'Thus Sprach Zarathustra' while driving today,
Mike Perry
 
No, I'm not going to call you Mr. Sulu!
Mike Perry
 
I said "Left at the Milky Way," not "Eat a Milky Way."
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Okay, first put the phase shifter into gear, let out on the drive initiator just a little bit, signal with your photon emitter and ease into warp factor 1.
Mike Perry
 
No, no no! You can't just engage the hyper-drive without sticking out your flagellum first!
Mike Perry
 
No. If you die in a wreck, 'Klatu berada nicto' will not fix it!
Mike Perry
 
No, revving your engine won't draw attention. Remember, rule number one- "no one can hear you...."
Mike Perry
 
Right foot gas, right foot brake. That's why you have two right feet.
Hey, you don't have "galaxy cred" yet.
You aren't listening to me. Turn down the radio.
Oh great! The airbags went off. We'll never make it back to Detroit.
We're headed to Detroit for some after-market gadget add-ons.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"We better drop this load of Kryptonite off somewhere or we'll never get a decent caption!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Whoa ! You just ran a red planet !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
So, ready to go for a little spin ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Just keep your eyes on the stars !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Remember, always yield for asteroids, OK?
Always slow down at asteroid crossings, OK?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Remember, look out for the birds!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Remember to let up the clutch slowly.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Dang it, Blork- you missed the exit again!
Mike Perry
 
I'm going to get me one of those bumper stickers that says, "I brake for asteroids!"
mcamp
 
"We're getting low on fuel. Better get over into the right-hand space lane."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Don't ever let me see you trying to tailgate a comet again!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"'Hitch your wagon to a star' is just an expression. It can't be done!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"The last thing I said before we left was, 'Does anyone have to go?'"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I have to be honest. You are light years, no .... kiloparsecs away from getting your license!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"We won't cover indigenous species abduction and probing until after you pass crop circles."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I don't care if your name is Sulu; you still have to pass if you're going to drive this thing!
Mike Perry
 
This isn't Chariot of the Gods or Fire; so no more driving in super slo mo!
Mike Perry
 
You should have turned left at that last Nazca line!
Mike Perry
 
"Let's get all the jokes out of the way. No, I can't see Uranus from here!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Next, we'll work on our perpendicular parking...
Some day soon, you'll be burning out your fuse up here alone.
Son, I said turn bleem, not glorp!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"If you have to go, hold it until we get to the next planet."
Pete Dey, Greensboro
 
"Noooo! I said I wanted to stop for some coffee at Starbucks, not comet stardust!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Ok, for your final test, parallel park over West Virginia and see how many people you can scare.
Mike Parsons, Bethlehem, PA
 
That was a perfect crop circle!
Tim Tribbett
 
Now I want to see your parallel universe parking.
Tim Tribbett
 
"Lead me to the nearest bar."
Camille Ford, Greensboro
 
"I remember the answer was 42; what was the question?"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Why can't I buzz John Edwards' trial?"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Can't we try to get Will Smith's autograph on Independence Day?"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Next time let's park under the pitcher's mound at NewBridge Bank Park."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"If you go slow enough to be seen as we pass Area 51, you fail your galaxy road test."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I never said parallel parking along Slartibartfast's Norway coastline was going to be easy."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Very good with the abduction ray: Spielberg will make an excellent addition to our collection."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Your disruptor beam setting was too high...then again, Shatner's career was pretty much over."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Smoother accelerations won't create rifts in the space-time continuum, Glorb."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"What say we break for lunch on a planet with a decent atmosphere."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Next time you beam someone up to the cargo bay, restrain them with abduct tape."
"When you transported that Al Roker guy, what was he saying about 'your neck of the woods'?"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"That blue orb is one heck of a speed bump."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Maybe we should stop and ask for directions.
Marcia Berger, Greensboro
 
"Keep your eyes open for chickens; they're liable to pop up anywhere."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Avoid contact with Calvin and Lio: they're 20 parsecs of bad space."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Pull over, laddie, I dun think I can take anymorrre!
Mike Perry
 
"Remember, always keep your antenna at 10 & 2".
From: Roland Maddrey, Greensboro
 
Kid, those aren't traffic cones, they're planets!
Will the insurance pay for the dent in Earth's Moon?
Henry, Greensboro
 
Hey teach! I told you I wanted to use my GPS; now we're lost in space
Terri Faunce, Eden
 
We send all our failing students to Greenbow..A..la...BAMA!!!!!
Mike Perry
 
Remember, no texting!
Go ahead, gun it, there is no speed limit!
Slow down, this is a no spin zone!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Okay, just go on the rings of Saturn all the way around, go faster than that asteroid and do a paranormal parking, and then you will pass your drivers' test."
Tatiana Frontera
 
Let's swing by and go see Discovery!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I miss seeing Discovery, don't you ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Slow down, the speed limit is Warp 3!
Mike Perry
 
Now?    We just stopped 15 billion miles ago!
Mike Perry
 
THAT was not an approved hand signal!
Tim Tribbett
 
Stop and look both ways at asteroid crossings.
Tim Tribbett
 
"Remember, always stay two light years behind the vehicle in front of you."
Joey Preston, Greensboro
 
It's O.K. - Everyone is nervous their first warp jump.
Do you have your Warp permit with you?
Try not to hit any black holes.
You can't rely on Google Maps out here.
Remember to always obey the light-speed limit.
I hope you filled the tank.
David Yoder, Everett, PA (formerly Hollywood, CA)
 
"Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear - Remember Roswell?"
"Be careful -  this is the rough side of the galaxy."
 Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
You didn't use your turn signal, are you from North Carolina?
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
 
We're passing one of the lesser planets called Earth. I visited once, they look weird!
That's 'Earth' down there. Unfriendly lot, they don't appreciate drop-ins!
"When you get your license, then you may stop on 'Earth'. Until then just keep up the scary fly-bys"
Terry Slatter, Greensboro
 
Lose the 'Vroom. Vroom" noises!
Mike Perry
 
That crop circle looked too oval.
Tim Tribbett
 
If you crash at warp speed an airbag ain't gonna cut it!
Tim Tribbett
 
What did I say about buzzing Area 51?
No hovering over the White House.
Remember, don't tell mom about the crop circles.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
Let's boldly go where no alien has gone before....
No more crop circles.
Let's get a Milky Way Bar for a souvenir
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
You have to work on your hover parking.
Did you see that Star Trooper back there?
Who do you think you are, Hans Solo?
Your learner permit does not allow you to go to the water planet.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
I'm giving you an "A+" in crop graphics for that octahedron!
Tim Tribbett
 
Yo,you better trek yourself before you wreck yourself!
Tim Tribbett
 
When you abduct someone pull them into the ship BEFORE warping!
Tim Tribbett
 
Radar detectors are illegal in this quadrant.
Tim Tribbett
 
1. You made a wrong turn at Saturn
2. We need a new GPS
 Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
 
Don't worry kid, I got your 6!
So, you think you are ready to solo ? 
We'll just tack the our fees onto your student loan, OK?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
 Remember to buckle your asteroid belt!
Mike Boulding, Eden
 
If you think my fees are high, wait till you buy UFO insurance !
Remember, no open containers !
I said drive, not dive !
Want to go make some crop circles ?
Our newer models have head tilt control !
We'll count that left turn on red as a learning curve, OK ?
What do you mean you need a designated driver ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Don't try to probe and drive at the same time.
Tim Tribbett
 
Your other right.
Tim Tribbett
 
We might hit warp speed a little faster if you let off the parking brake.
Tim Tribbett
 
Tentacles at 9 and 3 o'clock please.
Tim Tribbett
 
What did you do wrong? You rode on Saturn’s rings and clipped a chunk out of the moon. That’s what!!!
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Death Stars ALWAYS have the right of way!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Remember, until you obtain your intergalactic rating, you can't abduct more than six terrestrials or one Kardashian."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Here's a good place to practice parallel universe parking."
"Oh great, I see a blue light in the mirror."
"For heaven's sake, Billy, Neptune was in your blind spot."
"Now, I'm going to let you have the controls over Roswell."
"Try to stay at least two light years behind the next craft."
"For the first year, you can have only one abducted earthling in the back."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
1. Stop at the next rest area
2. Watch for a rest area sign
3. Why do you keep singing, "Carolina Girls Best in the World"?
 Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
 
So no one can drive past Roswell? Just for that?
David Guion -- Greensboro
 
Okay, let's see you try parallel universe parking.
It says, "Images in mirror may be closer encounters of the third kind'.
ROADS? WHERE WE'RE GOING, WE DON'T NEED ROADS!
Stephen W. Botts, Greensboro
 
OK. Here are some good ones. Look them over carefully because, per usual, I put a lot of brainpower into them. You can't go wrong with these.
" Engage."
" Captain Kirk you ain't."
" Our first skyjack and you go and choose this one."
" We'll try warp drive next week."
" Why didn't you go before we started this lesson ?"
" Speed limit ? That's ancient history."
" OK. Open her up and let's see what this baby'll do."
" Today we will dock with the Star Ship Enterprise. Don't be nervous."
" So, Kermit was your great grandfather ?"
" Let's practice at area 51 today."
" Me ? I thought you were the instructor."
" No, I'm not the instructor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
" Peel rubber ? Is that some sort of food item ?"
OK. They are all pretty good. Certainly we have the winner amongst them, or perhaps the winner and a couple of runners up. Do not be timid. Go ahead and make your choices.
Lee F. Richmond, Jamestown
 
No, we can't go back and visit Graceland!
Mike Perry
 
No, that guy we passed did not look like Ray Walston!
Mike Perry
 
You make "Teenagers From Outer Space" look like an old Ford drivin' jewish couple!
Mike Perry
 
You're right, that did look like Howard Wolowitz on the ISS!
Mike Perry
 
I thought the stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame would be bigger, brighter.
I told you - in England you have to fly on the left.
Please do a Y-Turn over Nevada
Okay - we call it "Hit and Run" when you bump into the International Space Station.
Your turn indicator has been on since Cignus.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
Insurance? I recommend LLoyd's of Lubbock!
Mike Perry
 
"Stay away from Roswell."
"Try to keep it under the speed of light."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
Thank Xibbits for my passenger side warp deaccelerator!
Tim Tribbett
 
Perhaps you should consider teleportation.
Tim Tribbett
 
You never flip off a Klingon battle cruiser!
Tim Tribbett
 
Now remember, when we get to Albuquerque, turn left.
Marcia Minsky Communications Officer The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan Club Camarillo, CA
 
Your space driving is fine, but the real test comes when we get on Wendover Avenue.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
The most important thing to remember is steer clear of Area 51!
The last alien I taught made a wrong turn and was cast in a major movie on Earth!
Steve Nance, Gibsonville
 
1. Gas prices on earth are out of this world.
2. You'll have to wait a few minutes to go to the bathroom. The next rest stop is two million miles away.
3. Can we stop at the space station for a soda?
4. Earth is a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.
5. If you buzz the Statue of Liberty again, you won't get your license.
6. That Saturnburger gave me a belly ache.
7. Did you tell your mother that you might be late for dinner?.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro 
 
You don't need to signal to other drivers that they're number one!
Mike Perry
 
If you crash in the U.S., don't worry. There's no such thing as 'illegal aliens' there!
Mike Perry
 
No, we cannot use the GPS to recalculate in this orbit!!!
Mary Fehl
 
Next time don't tie the abductee to the hood.
Tim Tribbett
 
The best part of crop circles is the corn on the cob later!
Tim Tribbett
 
That Roswell crash was one of my students.
Tim Tribbett
 
I got it off the top of one of those earth vehicles. I have no idea what it means
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
Remember: No Texting.
Claude Bolin, Kernersville
 
You don’t know Mars from Uranus, do you?
Keep all four hands on the wheel.
No, the hand gesture the earthling made was not a sign of respect.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
And lastly, let's see you paralled park between those two asteroids on the left.
Mike Perry
 
1. “Your hands should be at 10 o’clock, 2 o’clock, 8 o’clock, and 4 o’clock.”
2. “Remember, keep at least 4 light years behind the nearest spaceship.”   
3. “Didn’t you see that worm hole? We were almost thrown 10 million light years!” 
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"Remember you are a UFO."
"If you have trouble, don't land on planet Earth."
"Fasten your seat belt."
"Be alert for space junk."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
1.I'm gonna go out on a limb. You didn't pass the course on "how" to go green?
2.Pay attention! This is more than enough space to perallel park.
3.Switch seats, you just took going green to a whole new level!
Ella McClellan Greensboro
 
OK, take a left at the next asteroid.
Now if you're going to pilot the R.U. Sirius, you have to pay attention!
Trust me, you don't want to go driving with your mom!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Is that the new Saturn? Looks very different than last year's model.
Brady Rosenbluth, Greensboro
 
"Planets in the mirror are larger than they appear."
Ellen Klosterman, Chattanooga, TN.
 
Sorry, ..."Like a good neighbor... doesn't work in this dimension!
Mike Perry
 
No, really. There are some who still believe that there may be intelligent life down there.
Andee Gable, Greensboro
 
Give me the cell phone Alfred.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
1: "In case you have any wild ideas, remember, I have a brake, too."
2: "I said take a left!"
3: "Just for fun, let's head to the drive-thru and see what happens."
4: "Crack the window."  (This one is an inside joke.)
5: "That's not a green light! It's an asteroid!"
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.
 
OK, now I want you to parallel land between those two craters.
Finish up with a basic crop circle, tomorrow we?ll alter the space-time continuum.
How many times to I have to tell you, meteorites always have the right of way.
Sure hope all intergalactic beings understand English.?
Better put your hover lights on, there?s a lunar eclipse tonight.?
Close up the sun roof, they?re calling for meteor showers tonight.?
When we pass the dark side of the moon make sure you use your bright lights.
Now execute a three-point turn and we?ll call it a day.
I know you were expecting Beldar Conehead as your instructor but he called in sick today.
Now that we?ve taken the training wheels off it will be a little bumpy for a while.
Gray Amick, Area 51
 
"Now we'll go back and watch footage of the Roswell crash over and over."
"Striker, you're too low."
"Keep your tentacles in the ten and two position."
"For your final, you'll have to hit a womp rat."
"You're right, the no passing zone sign resembles the X-211."
"For some reason, the no hyperspace sign is always on the exam."
"Get you butt above the hard deck and return to the classroom."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Posted by Tim Rickard on Thursday, May 17, 2012 at 6:26 pm
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May 11, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 051112

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 051712
 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
Last week’s cartoon was Kryptonite to some regulars who usually enter consistently good captions. Others of you, though, got in the right frame of mind and entered some super-gags.
 
This week’s puzzles, courtesy of Monty Kivett

 
ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLES!

 

Follow Brewster Rockit Tweets here at twitter.com/brewsterrockit

 

Also Follow Brewster Rockit here on Facebook

 
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

WINNER
Which one of you heroes left the toilet seat up?
Mike Parsons, Bethlehem, PA
 
RUNNER-UPS
I'm surprised only one of you is envious of my outfit.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Where's a Fortress of Solitude when you need it?
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
Thor- really! Underoos!
Mike Perry
 
You’re not avenging anything until you clean your room!
Bill Mitchell
 
And why is it that I get paid 77 cents for every dollar you earn?
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
All agreed? We will never feed the Hulk chili again!
Tim Tribbett
 
I told you the Spanx would work.
Terry Slatter, Greensboro
 
OK. Just one more. And then Little Red Riding Hood said “Someone has been sleeping in my bed."
Lee F Richmond, Jamestown
 
JR. WINNER
I really need some girlfriends.
Linda, Bessemer
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
Hulk, you really need a manicure.
Louai, Frazier
 
Are you feeling all right, Hulk? You look a little green.
J. Kate, Triangle Lake
 
Captain America, you're really 50 years old and still just a captain?
Tom, Triangle lake
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
Do I look like Alfred
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
No! No! No! Start on your LEFT foot. Now, again. A five, six, seven, eight....
Mike Perry
 
"The seat STAYS DOWN!!!!!!"
Don Davis, Greensboro
 
Don't any of you know how to put the seat down?!?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Let's do our shopping at Wal-Mart; they'll never notice.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Sheldon, this was you idea, wasn't it!
Mike Perry
 
"Someone's missing. Man, Rickard never finishes anything!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Let's try it again. You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out..."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
(See, I can recycle too!)
 
"I have an invisible caption! Match that, Wonder Woman!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Thor, stop trying to beat some sentence into this cartoon!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
It's Rickard's 7th childhood. Or is it the 8th. I've lost count.
Henry, Greensboro
52nd.
 
You all represent Rickard's innermost psyche- real heroes, real plot lines, and real respect! I can only imagine what goes on in that head of his. Brrrrrrrrr!
Mike Perry
 
We don't have to worry about that Pink Slime - the Revengers have it covered.
Let me get this straight - we got bumped from the front page of the Life section.by US?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Because I can..."
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
I could use a little "empathy man" myself right now!
Mike Perry
 
Rickard's getting a lot of press lately- hope he doesn't end up like trudeau!
Mike Perry
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
"Where is Patrick Macnee when you need him?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, Mr. Blackwell just called and he's not happy!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Dance, gringos, dance! Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"We're men, we'e men in tights..."
Mike Perry
 
Let it go! Yes, it's true. I used to have a thing for Green Lantern.
Brady Rosenbluth, Greensboro
Is that true? Did DC have their own Black Widow?
 
Raj, I see you traded in your Aquaman costume!
Mike Perry
 
You guys are more bizarre than the Metal Men superheroes!
Mike Perry
 
You were expecting Emma Peel?
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
C'mon, Iron Man, what's your real name - Lou Gehrig or Cal Ripken, Jr.?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Guys, we lost Ant Man. Some kid burned him with a magnifying glass.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST POEMS
She's a redhead who's all dressed in black
And she simply exudes sex appeal.
Her friends are a little bit 'quirky'
Like a man wearing iron, not steel.
She looks great in a dress,
But I have to confess
I'd still rather date Emma Peel.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Marvel Comics had planned a big gala
To honor cartoonist Stan Lee.
The place that seemed the most fitting
Was his childhood home, NYC.
But the party was dead
'Cause the rumor had spread
That Stan had left for D.C.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
From adults down to kids nearly larval,
They all love The Avengers from Marvel.
    There is plenty at stake.
    With success, they will make
Way more comebacks than QB Brett Favre'll.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
What is an Avenger?
Durned if I know .
Ask Tim Rickard, its his show.
Looks like something from the past.
Lets all hope it is the last.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
It's just a football game!!!
Parker Cabiness, Archdale age 12
 
"You're not the only ones with abs."
Conner Tucker, age 10, Greensboro
-----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Triangle Lake Montessori
Gretchen: You can't look strong in those tights.
J. Kate: Are you feeling all right, Hulk? You look a little green.
Angela: I...can't...move...My pants... are ... stuck.
Joe: Let's go to the resturant. Eat or die.
Courtney: (Ring, ding, ding, dong) Hold on a minute.
Kalani: Bunnies and unicorns.
Matthew: Lose some weight, Hulk.
Zahabia: Quit trying to show off yourself with these weird poses thinking you're so strong. We have a problem to solve here, and I only know three ways to say it: Vamenos (Spanish,) Chello (Hindi,) and Come On (English.)
Tre: OK, guys, let's go beat some aliens.
Taha: Hulk, C. A. is about to kill you.
T..M.: Let's go, weirdos.
Cullen: Where's Hawkeye?
Tom: Captain America, you're really 50 years old and still just a captain?
Camryn: Mr. Hulk? Mr. Hulk does whatever Mr. Hiulk wants.
The Dollar General: Stan Lee could've done better.
R.A.C.: It's man-lady time!
Little Kam: I want you to go out there and save the world and also die.
Z-Man: Captain America, I killed Buckie.
William: I need a tiny favor... save the world.
Nick: Toodle -oo! I'm off to the bad side.
Lyndon: ...so. any questions?
Chloe: This is verrrry awkward.
Jordan: Hand over my pocketbook, and no one will get hurt.
 
Frazier
Simone: Just because I have the name of a spider doesn't mean you can kill me.
Miranda: Hey, should we turn this into a show business, instead of a hero show?
Ayanna: Which one of you is going to fight the villain with me?
Li'l Mama: I've got my eye on a white widow, so back off.
Matt C.: All right, people, smallest to biggest so you can take a picture with me.
Louai: Hulk, you really need a manicure.
Mahogany: If any of you accuse me anymore, I will jump on you like a spider monkey and you know the rest!
J.T.: OK, today we'll kick Batman and his friends out of business.
Brandon P.: Thor, put your hammer down.
Pretty'n'Pink: Mess with me and you'll get bitten.
Chase: What... I didn't do it.
 
Bessemer
Natalie: Girls rule.
Linda: I really need some girlfriends.
Kayla: Another day of fighting crime. I need a break.
I.K.S: It's not my fault.
Bo: Hulk, you know a green man with super muscles is unattractive.
Chicka: Ironman, I can break that phoney baloney metal on you with one kick.
 
-----------
THE REST
Don't any of you know how to put the seat down?!?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Well, your ending is good, but your box step still leaves a lot to be desired!
Mike Perry
 
Sheldon, this was you idea, wasn't it!
Mike Perry
 
Who forgot Hawkeye this time?
Mike Perry
 
I'm surprised only one of you is envious of my outfit.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Someone's missing. Man, Rickard never finishes anything!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Where is Patrick Macnee when you need him?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I won't dance...don't ask me."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Action figures, huh? I haven't seen any action since I left the box!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hawkeye is asleep again! I told him to stop licking the tips of his arrows!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Come on! Sing 'YMCA' for me just once!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"There's no two ways about it...I gotta get out more!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You look mah-velous!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"How about a drink to loosen up, guys? You look a little stiff!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You bite off one boyfriend's head in high school and they label you for life!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
She's a redhead who's all dressed in black
And she simply exudes sex appeal.
Her friends are a little bit 'quirky'
Like a man wearing iron, not steel.
She looks great in a dress,
But I have to confess
I'd still rather date Emma Peel.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Why do I always end up with the 'strong, silent' types?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, Mr. Blackwell just called and he's not happy!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Let's try it again. You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out..."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
(See, I can recycle too!)
 
"Remember, guys, we're bowling against the Justice League tomorrow night."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I have an invisible caption! Match that, Wonder Woman!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Thor, how many times do I have to tell you, 'don't put your hand there'?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Dance, gringos, dance! Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"No more Mexican food for you guys. Whoa, talk about your super-powers!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Time for the dance marathon. We'll see who's the 'last comic standing'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Marvel Comics had planned a big gala
To honor cartoonist Stan Lee.
The place that seemed the most fitting
Was his childhood home, NYC.
But the party was dead
'Cause the rumor had spread
That Stan had left for D.C.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Just think, I left the Justice League of America for this!
Mike Perry
 
"We're men, we'e men in tights..."
Mike Perry
 
Sorry guys but I want my on locker room!
Tim Tribbett
 
What the &@#% do you mean "that's woman's work"!
Tim Tribbett
 
Beg all you want but there's no way I'm washing the Hulk's underpants again!
Tim Tribbett
 
Guys, we need to talk about the body odor problem!
Tim Tribbett
 
Who thinks we should buy the Hulk some deodorant?   
Tim Tribbett
 
This is NOT a tap dancing challenge!
Mike Perry
 
Well that's not something you see everyday- superheroes doing the finale from Chorus LIne!
Mike Perry
 
That was good, but Hulk, your turn radius is a little slow!
Mike Perry
 
I assume "fashion sense" isn't any of your super powers!
Mike Perrt
 
Thor- really! Underoos!
Mike Perry
 
" ....... The seat STAYS DOWN!!!!!! "
Don Davis, Greensboro
 
Don't pont; it's impolite!
Mike Perry
 
Oh no, we are not going into battle with that! Remember: tempo, tempp, tempo!
Mike Perry
 
You guys need to leave the seat DOWN!
Tim Tribbett
 
Nick Fury said if we found an "i" in team, it's his.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Oh, great! The Village People on steroids.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Fury was right: "The Avengers" is way cooler than "The Magnificent Seven Minus One."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
And why is it that I get paid 77 cents for every dollar you earn?
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Your moms called: the basements have been cleaned and you may reoccupy them.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
1) Let it go! Yes, it's true. I used to have a thing for Green Lantern.
Brady Rosenbluth, Greensboro
 
Hey, guys! We've just been designated as superheroes for Stanley County!
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Relax, guys...I'm safekeeping your pocket protectors in my utility belt.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Be prepared to share backstories at our anger management class tonight.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
WFMY's Ed Matthews says I'll be hot with accompanying surges of testosterone.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Loki's here...I guess "Can we get along" is out the window.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Wolowit was right- Captain Sweatpants is tougher than you guys!
Mike Perry
 
"Thor, stop trying to beat some sentence into this cartoon!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
NO! NO! NO! It's adagio first, then plie, seconde, poisson and then pas de chat.    Amateurs.
Mike Perry
 
It’s a woman’s world. Ask any man.
Glenda Layton, Carthage
 
Stand back, fellows, cleaning up messes is woman’s work.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Wait until I’m under the mistletoe, guys.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
This is my basic black outfit. You should see me in my pink one.
 Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Who's been using my hair conditioner?!
Tim Tribbett
 
All agreed? We will never feed the Hulk chili again!
Tim Tribbett
 
Hey, Thor spends more time in the bathroom than me!
Tim Tribbett
 
Well, if no one is going to knock down that door, I'll just do it myself.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
OK, who put the itching powder in my costume?
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
And Hulk, you can stop captioning your sext messages as "eco friendly."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Let's do our shopping at Wal-Mart; they'll never notice.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Avenge is a dish best served cold" doesn't cut it - keep trying.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Which one of you heroes left the toilet seat up?
Mike Parsons, Bethlehem, PA
 
Bring it on!!!
Iris Sheets, Greensboro
 
It's Rickard's 7th childhood. Or is it the 8th.  I've lost count.
Henry, Greensboro
 
I told you the spanx would work.
"You can come out and help me She-Ra, He- Man isn't in the group."
Sorry boys, I told you the networks were only renewing me!
After we are done rescuing them, I have some cold beer in my frig!
Its too dark to see "the whites of their eyes:"
Peggy Koppel
 
"DIBS!!!"
Brandyn Frei, Burlington
 
The Black-Eyed Peas said we could call ourselves the Red Eyed Beans
Sorry, all your moves are too Plastic!
I'm the Fifth Musketeer!
'You put your right foot in'
Sorry, no more protests. Black leather it is, for us all!
DWTS said your moves were too stiff
Sorry, DWTS said your moves were too plastic.
Boys, Boys, Boys! I said the LEFT foot forward!
Terry Slatter, Greensboro
 
"We better get a move-on! Antsyman already left!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Why are you holding your shield like that? Did Hulk split his pants again?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Do you guys seriously think a cab is going to stop for us?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Very good, everyone. Hulk, you need to work a little on your Demi Plie."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Where's Wonder Woman when you need her !!
Tom Riffe, Greensboro
                                                              
1.These are the four finalists on "The Batchelorette".
2. Go ahead, make my day.
3. Who are you calling cartoonatics?
4. We still need a fifth guy to be our point guard.
5. Go see the movie or I'll turn them loose.
 Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
Gentlemen, forget that lady first stuff, OK ?
This is a dream come true, right team ?
Please, don't make me choose, I love you all !
Enough defense, let's go offense !
Really, can't a lady get a little equality here ?
Agreed, no prisoners !
I'm in, but the pay must be equal !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Who said ladies first ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
What, you want to be my brother husbands ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I'm worth four of you guys anytime, that's equality !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
...and these are my back-up singers, the Pips!
Mike Perry
 
No! No! No! Start on your LEFT foot. Now, again. A five, six, seven, eight....
Mike Perry
 
You all represent Rickard's innermost psyche- real heroes, real plot lines,
and real respect! I can only imagine what
goes on in that head of his. Brrrrrrrrr!
Mike Perry
 
Egos aside, Nick Fury said if we found an "i" in "team," it's his.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Whew! Never go in the bathroom after the Hulk!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Relax, guys. Each one of you will get the chance to find out why they call me The Black Widow."
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.
 
Have any of you seen my steroids ?
See you at the movies, OK ?
Finally, a movie has been made we can all enjoy together !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
" OK. Follow my lead. You put your right foot in and you shake it all around."
" Good dress rehearsal, guys. Let's go get a beer."
" Simon says, flex your muscles."
" Good boys, now roll over."
" It's a large order, but I think I can get you dates to the prom."
" You guys ever see a girl before ?"
" Barbie, you lunkheads. B,A,R,B,I,E."
" 4 against one ? Looks like a fair fight to me."
" For fun ? Oh, I curl up on the couch with Fifi and watch an old movie. "
" So I told Clyde, no more banks."
" It was a dark and stormy night."
" Well barber shop quartet is out."
" Please release me, let me go."
" OK. Just one more. And then Little Red Riding Hood said someone has been sleeping in my bed."
" These wax figures look so real."
" No more testosterone for you guys."
It doesn't get much better than these. Go ahead. Don't be bashful. Pick one.
Lee F Richmond, Jamestown
 
Geez, Hulk. How ;bout bathing once in a while?
Mike Perry
 
Okay! The first one of you that say I look like Catwoman will be sorry!!
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
Compared to all this testosteron, the enemy has got to be very low key.
Mike Perry
 
What? I just suggested we paint our jet pink!
Tim Tribbett
 
I don't care WHO called dibs!!
Tim Tribbett
 
Raj, I see you traded in your Aquaman costume!
Mike Perry
 
You guys are more bizarre than the Metal Men superheroes!
Mike Perry
 
We don't have to worry about that Pink Slime - the Revengers have it covered.
Let me get this straight - we got bumped from the front page of the Life section.by US?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Because I can..."
I am not here to clean up after you boys.
You were expecting Emma Peel?
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
Calgon take me away
Where's a Fortress of Solitude when you need it?
Do I look like Alfred
Let's see you rock a rubber, form-fitting outfit...
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
When I say stand at attention, that means every part of your body|
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
I get enough of you guys on Thursday night at 8 p.m.
Mike Perry
 
I could use a little "empathy man" myself right now!
Mike Perry
 
"No ! Not Now ! You should have thought of that before we left the House"
Mark McBride, Wilminton, Delaware
 
Who's your Daddy!!!!
david robb
 
Ok,Ok, who called this meeting anyhow?
david robb
 
You’re not avenging anything untill you clean your room!
Bill Mitchell
 
Now we’re worthless, our packaging has been removed.
I’m just saying women are underrepresented at all levels of employment.
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
"Hawkeye's gone to get name tags, so we'll stand out from the average New Yorker."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Everybody hold out your hand for a Krispy Kreme donut - an energy boost to defeat Loki."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Alright,which one of you so called 'Superheroes' forgot to raise the toilet seat this time?"
Ray Faust, Greensboro
 
"You're not the only ones with abs."
Suggetion for caption from Conner Tucker, Greensboro, NC
 
"You must read the book to understand the movie."
"Listen up. Shoot first, Ask no questions, Show no mercy, and Take no prisoners.
 
"I said prepare for battle not the bottle."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro, NC
 
1. “For the last time; I’m not playing ‘Dancing with the Avengers’!”
2. “Remember, you guys take care of Buzz and leave Woody to me.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
C'mon, Iron Man, what's your real name - Lou Gehrig or Cal Ripken, Jr.?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Guys, we lost Ant Man. Some kid burned him with a magnifying glass.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"You're not the only ones with abs!"
Conner Tucker, age 10, Greensboro
 
"Men! You all think you are Soooo Super!"
Thad Tucker, Greensboro
 
It's MY turn and I say we watch "Glee"!
Tim Tribbett
 
Leave the seat DOWN!
Tim Tribbett
 
Hey guys, time for Monday Night Football!
Andee Gable, Greensboro
 
Remember now, lights in one pile and darks in another.
Andee Gable, Greensboro
 
Triangle Lake
Jordan: Hand over my pocketbook, and no one will get hurt.
 
They asked me for a date and then they show up dressed like this!
Costumes to hide their real identity? Overgrown 10 year olds, more likely.
Henry, Greensboro
 
Look guys, I'm not a prude, but let's think one word- cup!
Mike Perry
 
Rickard's getting a lot of press lately- hope he doesn't end up like trudeau!
Mike Perry

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, May 11, 2012 at 12:38 pm

May 3, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 050412

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 051012
 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
Variations of “Show me the Car (or carpet) Fax were popular. As was the the old ”only driven by a little old lady to (church, Mosque, etc ...)” caption.
Next week: “The Avengers!” Why? Because I can.
 
This week’s puzzles, courtesy of Monty Kivett

 
ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLES! 

Follow Brewster Rockit Tweets here at twitter.com/brewsterrockit
 
 

 
WINNER
And this is our floor model, very affordable!
David Robb, Climax
 
RUNNER-UPS
When we get back to my desk, I'll show you the CarpetFax.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
You don’t even need a garage, you can park it in your living room.
Randy Sheppard, Greensboro
 
They are literally flying off the shelves!
Tim Tribbett
 
Seat belts? I’ll throw in a roll of Velcro.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
"Now, she does use about a quart of magic a week."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"It still has that new carpet smell!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Its the newest model, it has a GPS.
Peggy Koppel, Greensboro
 
It beats going through security at the airport.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
JR. WINNER
This carpet has GPS.
Chicka, Bessemer
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
This carpet is perfect. It's old, ragged, and abandoned, just like your grandma... and that's who it's for.
Bo, Bessemer
 
If you want a carpet for $150, it doesn't have an engine or a cupholder.
Natalie, Bessemer
 
It's great for proms!
Linda, Bessemer
 
Sorry, no trunk.
Joe, Triangle Lake
 
You might not want to make it mad or it'll throw you off.
Prett'n'Pink, Frazier
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
And if you get air sick it'll never show!
Tim Tribbett
 
"The best part is...no pesky airport security!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
"It's from the 'Rickard Collection'. Sometimes it just doesn't fly."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
How bout “It never gets off the ground.”
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
This is our 'Steppenwolf' model!
Mike Perry
 
"You can still see Douglas Fairbanks' butt-print!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
...and the previous owner was Barbara Eden!
Mike Perry
 
"...and this is the very rug that inspired the Steppenwolf song!"
Sally Shank, Greensboro
 
This baby was once owned by a genie whose master was an astronaut.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Goes far, flies near. To the stars away from here..."
steve turner
 
BEST RYHMING CAPTION
"You should have no aversion to this version of the Persian excursion."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
BEST/WORST PUN
"Since this is an Oriental, you'll never have an 'Occident'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I'll give you a low price cause I like your Sunni disposition. No Shiite!
Tim Tribbett
 
...well you know what they say, carpet diem!
Mike Perry
 
BEST POEMS
On a mission, this customer delves.
He will search all the aisles and the shelves.
    Magic carpets he’ll buy,
    But not ones that can fly.
He wants carpets that vacuum themselves.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Beware of a man in a turban
Trying to sell you a used flying mat.
His tactics can be quite disturbin'.
He will lie at the drop of a hat.
With a smile on his mug
He'll sweep under the rug
What Stanley Steemer couldn't extract.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
If you need to get there in a jiffy,
Here's an idea that's really quite spiffy.
    Rent a fast flying rug,
    You'll be there in a shrug.
Staying on is the part that is iffy.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
-----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Triangle Lake Montessori
Princess M'Diva: This is the fliest flying carpet.
Joe: Sorry, no trunk.
Angela: It's only cheap because it's cursed.
The Dollar General: It's been barely used.
Kalani: Isn't stealing carpets fun?.
 
Frazier
Ayanna: Do you happen to have Alladin's number? His payment is overdue.
Simone: This might miss a stitch, but it flies really fast!
Matt C.: They really were used in the movie "Aladin."
Miranda: Hey, go call Princess jasmine, will ya?
Azzam: The flying carpet is down here. Just take the ladder down and come back up.
Zayir: Someone told me that one man's trash is another man's treasure...I heard that in the 1800's
Armando: Our carpet is almost as fast as a camel, and it bites, too.
J.T.: No, this isn't a normal flying carpet! It's a good looking flying carpet!
Prett'n'Pink: You might not want to make it mad or it'll throw you off.
Jami'el: And you don't have to clean up after it, unlike camels.
Brandon P.: Here's the carpet. Call a carpenter first.
Chase K.: Get your carpet. It does not get fur and wet spots around the room.
Mahogany D.: Here's a little secret: this is our best and finest and it's only ten goat heads.
 
Bessemer
I.K.S.: I would not recommmend buying this one: my boss spilled coffee on it.
Chicka: This carpet has GPS.
Bo: This carpet is perfect. It's old, ragged, and abandoned, just like your grandma... and that's who it's for.
Natalie: If you want a carpet for $150, it doesn't have an engine or a cupholder.
Linda: It's great for proms!
Kayla C.: Don't worry. It's just like Aladdin's.
Denisea: This is the same one Aladdin rode.
-----------
THE REST
"Don't worry...they're all sky-way miles."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I'll even throw in a new set of re-threads."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Nothing has ever been swept under it...I promise."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"It's extremely aerodynamic. See...no fringe."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
It was owned by a little old lady who only flew it to mosque every Ramadan.
Tim Tribbett
 
"This was owned by a little old lady who only rode it back and forth to Mosque on Fridays."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"That's the best price you'll find on a 2009 Karastan!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This thing get's 47 miles to a can of Woolite."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"It still has that new carpet smell!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I guarantee your wife will be happy to have it garaged in the living room.
The previous owner never mastered the sensation of levitation.
Daytime travel is recommended, but we do sell accessory candles.
With the money you save in gas, oil, tires, antifreeze . . . .
Very fine rug, but the brakes have seen better days and nights.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"And it comes with a 90 day warranty against unraveling!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"The best part is...no pesky airport security!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
...and this one was only used by a little ole lady who only drove it to services on Friday!
Mike Perry
 
...and if you don't like it as transportation, you can use it for a hairpiece.
Mike Perry
 
It was always garaged in the living room.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"...and we call this model, the Mantra!"
Mike Perry
 
This is the first version of the drone!
Mike Perry
 
That spot? Oh, just a little Abu souvenir!
Mike Perry
 
This is our 'Steppenwolf' model!
Mike Perry
 
When we get back to my desk, I'll show you the CarpetFax.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"It even comes with a built-in child safety pleat."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You can still see Douglas Fairbanks' butt-print!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"The only thing wrong with it is a couple of small Pidgit bite marks."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"It's easy to keep clean. It shakes itself out!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This is the perfect place for an in-flight 'nap'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Since this is an Oriental, you'll never have an 'Occident'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Of course it has GPS! It's an Oriental!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"No, you misunderstood me. It's an Oriental, not an 'old rental'."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"It's the perfect color if you're prone to high altitude nose-bleeds."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
It was only flown on Sunday's by a little old lady in Pasadena
Marcia Minsky Communications Officer The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan Club Camarillo, CA
 
"It's from the 'Rickard Collection'. Sometimes it just doesn't fly."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"It was only used by a little old man, who flew it to the Mosque on  Friday ."
Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro
 
This model gets over 40 air miles.
This is our plush model and it has the look and feel of absolute luxury.
Buy today and receive lifetime carpet cleanings.
Steve Nance, Gibsonville
 
And this carpet was owned by a little old lady who only flew it to church on Sunday.
Karen Morris
 
"Specially woven to weave in and out of traffic."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"A one genie owner who only flew to and from church."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Guaranteed not to unravel, or your next-of-kin gets a free replacement."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"This baby will never let you down...unless you want it to, of course."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"It was parked in Bin Laden's garage on that fateful day"
Luther Jackson, Stoneville
 
"Sky high performance with down to earth pricing."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"This carpet flew on Air Force One!"
Brad Howes, Greensboro
 
"My FRIEND, here's the "Prince",if to expensive I've a towel in the back... the "Shag""
Kenric Nichols, Mcleansville
                                                              
"This model is sized just right - no room for a back seat pilot."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Guaranteed not to pile up in heavy traffic."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Yes, it's old, but I prefer to say it's a "classic."
Spend some more and get a fringe upgrade.
Remember that it doesn't have to be "roadworthy."
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Plenty of room for the rug rats, and doubles as a picnic blanket."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Show me the CarpetFax...
Charles Lea, Burlington
 
This one has cruise control and antilock fringe!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Fast? Zero to Everest in a flash; flip it over, a submersible - hello, James Cameron!"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"And, I'll throw in a flying welcome mat as a spare."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
You'll like our no tassel sales process!
Tim Tribbett
 
And this is our floor model, very affordable!
David Robb, Climax
 
"Yeah yeah blah blah blah. Can you just show me the CAR-fax please?
Tim Doss, Greensboro
 
It was owned by a sweet, little old imraa.
Ken LaytonCarthage
 
It still gets excellent mileage.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
It’s a steal at 500 dinars.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Yes, it can take you to the moon.
yes, it can take you to the moon.
Elmer Lilley, Summerfield
 
"...and this model here was ridden by a little old lady, who only used it to go to church on Sundays!"
Bill Burns
 
"These older models can really take a beating!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This is perfect for beginning teen drivers. It's a low-rider."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"For just a few Dinars more, I can have it Scotch-Guarded for you."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This will get you from Jericho to China in 6.5 seconds! It's the fastest wall-to-wall carpet they make!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"It was only ridden by a little old lady on Sunday afternoons."
Fran Moore, Greensboro
 
This model still even has frequent flier miles left.
David Lynch, Martinsville
 
...and this is our "Donald Trump" model!
Mike Perry
 
...and the previous owner was Barbara Eden!
Mike Perry
 
...and this one only has 2000 years on it!
Mike Perry
 
1.This one is a steal! I have forty men bringing me the hottest merchandise money can buy.
2.Trust me, if you buy this one you'll be blown away!
3.Here at Ali Babas' we guarantee the hottest deal in town!
Ella McClellan Greensboro
 
1.This one comes with a 10,000 mile guarantee. Do you want to see the carpet fax?
2.You can test ride this anywhere you want, except the Taj Mahal. It acually came frome there.
3.Only one owner. A little old lady who only road it to church and back, and to the grocery store.
4.It's even bullet proof, that's if you ever decide to rob a bank or something.
5.I'll even throw in this matching vest with this one. You'll look good in red.
6.Really, it's new! It's just made of use materials.
7.Of course it's safe, but you'll have to test ride it yourself. I don't have insurance
Bruce McClellan Greensboro
 
"See what great shape it's it? It will serve you well for years, or my name isn't Ali Baba!"
Sally Shank, Greensboro
 
"...and this is the very rug that inspired the Steppenwolf song!"
Sally Shank, Greensboro
 
..and this little baby has only 2000 years on it!
Mike Perry
 
"Hop on. This one is a blast when it's floored!"
"This one handles great while weaving in & out in traffic!"
"This model is from the muscle rug era and is equipped with the 454 rug rat power option!"
"We do have this family model that offers 3 rows of seating"
 
"It was previously owned by a little old lady who only flew it to mosques on holy days."
Kevin Little
 
And for an extra $200, we'll throw in a doormat!
Mike Perry
 
Its the newest model, it has a GPS.
I have a similar one I rode to Pakistan and back and the ride was smooth.
This was only has 100 miles on it, was flown locally.
This has low mileage it was just used from the Palace to the Mosque.
 
This one has traveled around the world.
This one has vibrant colors but is not that fast.
The family who owned this only traveled short distances from Pakistan to India.
It has no worn marks as the owners wore silk when flying.
Peggy Koppel, Greensboro
 
1. This one comes with a vacuum cleaner.
2. Two brothers first flew it at Kitty Hawk
3. It's in great condition.The little lady who owned it had it vacuumed every 20,000 miles.
4. It beats going through security at the airport.
5. Some American guy named Orville owned it.
6. Accessories included are goggles, a helmet and a vacuum cleaner. A parachute is optional.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
It comes with a wall to wall warranty.
It was only driven by a little old lady to the mosque on Sabbath.
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
They are literally flying off the shelves!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Sign up for our extended warranty and you get a ball of yarn and knitting needles."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Diabetic? With this model you can scurry with the syringe on top."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"And the thread count makes it bird strike resistant."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Sorry about the stain. The previous owner had pets.
Tim Tribbett
 
Would you like to take it out for a test fly?
Tim Tribbett
 
It's a polyester cotton hybrid!
Tim Tribbett
 
The velcro safety strips keep you from falling off.
Tim Tribbett
 
This carpet is a harem magnet!
Tim Tribbett
 
I'll give you a low price cause I like your Sunni disposition. No Shiite!
Tim Tribbett
 
And if you get air sick it'll never show!
Tim Tribbett
 
Perfect for carpet bombing infidels!
Tim Tribbett
 
The previous owner was decapitated by a power line.
Tim Tribbett
 
This one has no rug rash. Check the carpetfax.
Evelyn Ruth, Greensboro
 
It eas only flown to church by a little 'ol sheik on Sunday.
Carolyn Hearp
 
You won't find a single loose thread, I promise !
Really, it doesn't need seat belts, it's Velcro !
Come on, I'd never try to pull any wool over your eyes !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
This is genuine Persian at linoleum prices !
Are you our new carpet cleaner guy ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
We'd never try to pull the rug from under your feet here !
Really, the original owner was shoeless Joe Jackson !
Look, we only allow barefoot test drives, OK ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
It was a repossession. He couldn't afford the balloon payments.
Tim Tribbett
 
This is our floor model.
Tim Tribbett
 
"The original owner only flew it to church on Sundays !"
Ken Logwood , High Point
 
This baby was once owned by a genie whose master was an astronaut Turtle Wax? Nah - we use Scotchgard.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"It has a 3yr 36,000 mile corner to corner warranty and navi"
"This carpet seats 4 passengers comfortably."
"It only has two trips around the world on it."
"it's pre-certified."
Chuck Armentrout, Greensboro
 
"Goes far, flies near. To the stars away from here..." 
steve turner
 
"Feel free to walk around and kick the tassels."
"Now when it's cold, you may have to say 'Alakazam' twice."
"I suggest you take it to your own personal seamstress."
"Okay, okay, there was a tear in the right front."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
This one's a flex superman model, carpet or cape !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"It rides like an area rug."
"Now, when it's really cold, you may have to say 'Alakazam' twice."
"Now, she does use about a quart of magic a week."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
OK. It's time that I got selected as the winner. Choose one of these:
" This baby can really fly."
" No license ? No problem. Just say " abra cadabra".
" This baby will sweep you off your feet."
" This is a good first used flying carpet for you. The previous owner traded it in on our fire engine red classic shag model."
" The price ? Two camels and a goat."
" I know this flying carpet looks drab. It'll be perfect for you."
" Previous damage ? Only one eagle, 1 pelican, 1 water buffalo, 2 camels and a palm tree."
" This basic model does not have overdrive."
" Repeat after me---Alakazam."
" Tassels ! You want tassels?"
" Good price on this model. Next week it'll be 3 camels."
" Then you say it's only been flown by a little old lady on Sundays."
Select one of the above as the winner. OK, select 2.
Lee Richmond, Jamestown
 
...and we'll thrown in, at absolutely no extra charge, some goggles and a mouth guard!
Mike Perry
 
1. Don't worry, the dog that stained it went to court last week for the offense.
2. ...the little old lady only flew to the beauty shop and back.
3. It flies circles around the other carpets on the lot.
4. ...and with a test fly, you receive a free oil lamp!
5.These older models have a lot more leg room.
6. You get a free can of carpet cleaner with a test fly.
Kerin Plank, Greensboro
 
"Zero carbon footprint and many gals to the mile."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"You should have no aversion to this version of the Persian excursion."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
... And it comes with extra thick backing for your comfort....
... Stainmaster is included...
... And the hidden MP3 is pre-loaded with Steppenwolf.... 
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
"Woven by Donald Trump's toupee maker, a high-rise specialist."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
No more stepping in camel dung!
Tim Tribbett
 
The previous owner had a foggy mountain breakdown.
Tim Tribbett
 
I'll give you a deal on this one! It only rises 3 meters.
Tim Tribbett
 
It's a retired model from the Iranian air force.
Tim Tribbett
 
...and for only $299.95 we'll throw in the undercoating!
Mike Perry
 
I assure you, there are people with bad credit flying everywhere!
Mike Perry
 
"What's it going to take to put this rug in your garage today?"
Mike Perry
 
"I'll even throw in a lamp if you buy today!"
Mike Perry
 
"It's not just carpet, but nice Corinthian carpet!"
Mike Perry
 
...and they said there were no mad people in Saudi Arabia.
Mike Perry
 
" The previous owner never took it higher than 10ft. Trust me."
Al Rives of Greensboro
 
1. “This one’s fully loaded.”
2. “This carpet’s self-esteem is almost non-existent.”
3. “The previous owner thought it was a throw rug, if you can believe it.”
4. “This is a convertible, so it’s a little more expensive.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"This old model will outrun all the new flying brooms."
'this gets 50 miles per gust with no loss of comfort.
"This was only used for for joy by a Persian Prince.'
"Just think no pat downs , or baggage fee and you have a 360 degree view."
"You get a special price on this this 2012 model."
"Yes, we have safety seats for babies."
" The air gives this one a great ride."
" This one has a 24 month full warranty."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
"The radio only gets one station, but you'll love it if you're into Steppenwolf."
"Even better than going green - you can go paisley."
 Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
Owned by little old lady who only flew it to mosque.
Take it and I will throw in my daughter.
Gets great air mileage.
It's a chick magnet.
It comes with free floor mats.
This beauty was once owned by Steppenwolf.
For an additional charge we can provide Scotch-guard protection.
Sorry, we're all out of carpet fax reports.
David Core, Greensboro
 
I can see you're on the fence. How about If I throw in a magic lamp?
Tim Tribbett
 
You say you're Born To Be Wild? Here's a nice Steppenwolf model from 1968.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
The stanley carpet cleaner just left.
Regina Williams, Jamestown
 
The flying carpet is slightly used...It was featured in the Aladdin movie.
Regina williams, Jamestown
 
Trust me, this one did not come from Capels in Troy NC.
A little old lady in Persia owned this one, she only used it to go bird watching.
This one is only 2000 years old, low mileage.
Its fully automatic,sit down, close your eyes and tell it where you want to go.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
...and this one has cruise control, power windows and tinted windshield!
Mike Perry
 
...well you know what they say, carpet diem!
Mike Perry
 
....and I bet you can't find an app for one of these!
Mike Perry
 
If it ever breaks down, there's a flying doormat in the trunk!
Mike Perry
 
Yes, we have the CARPETFAX for this one.
I’ll throw in a free vacuum every 3,000 miles.
We do allow turban trade ins on these.
This way you travel with your entire harem, with your camel you must chose only one.
 
The former owner was a belly dancer that only used it on Sundays to get hip ointment.
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
You’d like this baby.  You’ll think you’re riding on air.
Andee Gable, Greensboro
 
This green energy model is powered by the wind.
This 8X12 is sporty, yet large enough for a growing family.
When the mileage gets up there, just retire it to your living room.
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
For you, I’ll toss in a throw rug as a spare.
Lower miles. It spent most of its time under a coffee table.
… And with the extended warranty, no worries about rips or tears.
Maintenance? Just vacuum it every 5,000 miles
… And it comes with a complimentary dust-buster.
When you’re not actually using it, it makes a nice floor covering.
Looks new, doesn’t it? That’s scotchgard for you.
The previous owner upgraded to a wall-to-wall model.
Seat belts? I’ll throw in a roll of Velcro.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
You don’t even need a garage, you can park it in your living room.
Randy Sheppard, Greensboro

 

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LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
Posted by Tim Rickard on Thursday, May 3, 2012 at 6:24 pm

April 26, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 042712

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 050312
 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
Sorry to hear you’re leaving us, JT. Remember, you can always find us online!
 
THIS WEEK'S PUZZLES COURTESY OF MONTY KIVETT

 
 
ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S PUZZLES!

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LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

WINNER
“Your honor, I was under the impression that fire hydrants were public domain.
Rosamond Jenkins, Greensboro
 
RUNNER-UPS
HA HA HA! So they collared the criminal! That's real cute.
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
"Hey, he knew the risks when he took that mail carrier gig!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Wait, what about a flea bargain?
Denise Purcell, Greensboro
 
I was trained to go on newspaper. I’m sorry he was holding one.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
"His sign said 'WET CONCRETE,' so I did."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
He’s the man who shot my paw!
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
Of course, I watched the whole thing! I'm a watchdog!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Yes, I bit it but it wasn't the hand that feeds me!
Tim Tribbett
 
JR. WINNER
I don't mind the suit and tie...we're here because of the tutus and sweaters!
Olivia Gile, 10, Greensboro
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
And he blamed me for eating his homework.
Gretchen, Triangle Lake Montessori
 
What they did to me was name me... PRINCESS. I'm a guy. I mean, come on.
Mahogany, Frazier
 
I am innocent. I did not lift my leg in his yard.
Kayla C., Bessemer
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
"He told all my neighbors that my bark was worse than my bite."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
That may be him. Permission to sniff his rear?
Tim Tribbett
 
"Hey, he knew the risks when he took that mail carrier gig!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Look, for Lassie to save Timmy, someone's got to push him down the well."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
And THEN he tried to rub my nose in it!
Tim Tribbett
 
And that's when the defendant smacked me on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
"That's him! That's the man who drew me in a suit and tie!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"What do I know? I'm just the dog who writes Tim Tribbett's jokes."
Stephen Parsons, Kernersville
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
I ain't nothin' but a hounddog!...YOU ain't nothin' but a hounddog...this whole court ain't nothin' but a hounddog!
Tracey Burnett, Greensboro
 
I'm outta order?...he's outtta order, you're outta order, THIS WHOLE PLACE IS OUTTA ORDER!
Mike Perry
 
It's Brevity all over again.
Nancy Nelson
 
Cattica! Cattica! Caticca!
Mike Perry
 
Yes, He;s the one.. He's guilty of felicide - he killed Toonces, the Cheshire, Figaro, Bigglesworth, Spot, Salty,
Bill the Cat.......
Mike Perry
 
"I can prove that the defendant leaked to the Red Baron where my brother was napping!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
We were ridng down the highway and I was in the cage on top of the car.
 Joyce Spangler, Greensboro
 
I didn't kill her! Why don't you ask Mr. Mason there what happened to her?
Mike Perry
 
BEST/WORST PUN
Long ago- spanish captain taught his dog to bark once for si, and twice for no. His ship was capture by the British and that captain did the same. Once for aye, two for no. He became the world's first "Si and aye dog!"
Perry, Mike
 
"That's the bloke who plagiarized my masterpiece, 'Profiles in Curage.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
BEST POEMS
Poor Fido had one last resort.
So he took his new owner to court.
    "I'm left alone every day
    and he's too tired to play.
By the way, my name isn't Sport!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
If you should find yourself standing in court,
Don't take your dog along for support.
    In horror you will watch
    As he sniffs the judge's crotch.
That's ninety days at a county resort.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
This canine, you see, has no scruples.
He's sniffing around for some loopholes.
    But he's wasting his time.
    They say justice is blind.
Must be right, 'cause the judge has no pupils.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Spike’s on trial for an act that’s illegal:
For assaulting Regina the eagle.
    Spike said, “I did no crime!
    Let the record show I’m
Not a boxer, I’m only a beagle!”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
OPEN MIKE NITE
Guy in a bar, says "my dog talks."
Barkeep says 'If he does, I'll give you free drinks.'
Guys asks the dog "What's on a house?" Dogs says roof.
Next-:What's the texture of sandpaper?", dog says ruff.
"Who was Ed Norton's friend?" Dog says Ralph.
"Greatest baseballer? Ruth.Barkeep kicks them both out.
Dog- "Ya think I shoulda said Dimaggio?"
 
Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic agnostic? He lay awake all night, wondering if there really was a dog.
Mike Perry
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
Bark! bark! woof! whine...What?...Don't make me repeat myself!
Claire Gile, 9, Greensboro
 
I don't mind the suit and tie...we're here because of the tutus and sweaters!
Olivia Gile, 10, Greensboro
-----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Triangle Lake Montessori
Chay: Why can't I watch Dora?
Matthew: I did not steal the chew toy.
J.Kate: What's the big deal? That cat was lonely, so I played with her.
Madiosn: I only ate his homework because it had barbeque sauce on it.
Angela: You're going to the slammer!
Camryn: T.: Just take me to Pet Smart. I need to get groomed.
Jordan: Please help me with Garfield.
Gretchen: And he blamed me for eating his homework.
Kalani: He filled my bowl with kitty litter.
Courtney: I'm tired of this. Who's up for bacon?
Jade: Humans are so lame.
Chloe: You're the one who ran over the puppy.
Tom: Likely story.
The Dollar General: That milk bone was mine and you know it.
Tre: That man stabbed my kids.
T.M.: I'm a human being , not an alien. I could die if you stabbed me.
Taha: What does me doing my business have to do with you going to jail?
K.A.B.: This man stole my meat.
Cullen: That guy is so weird, he sniffed my tail.
Z-Man: He ate my thigh.
R.A.C.: He stole my bone!
Little Kam: I'm going to jail for doing karate on a five-year-old.
Zahabia: Judge, I think you should put that man in a cage for punishment.
 
Frazier
Azzam: Both of you are lying, because I saw everything. One thing you are both good at is lies.
R.T.: You're going back to Charlie Brown world.
Matt C.: You're going to meet my big dog or my attorney.
Simone: You're going to the dog pound!
Ayanna: I object! Mr. Big Nose here did it, and I saw it with my own ears!
Miranda: Now, order has it that you're here because you wife thinks your nose is too big?
Li'l Mama: Hey, I'm Snoopy. I can bail myself out.
Pete: I promise I didn't steal the bone. It was in my territory.
Jami'el: It was my nature to chase the cat.
Chase: I, Snoop Dogg, say long nose....stole my song.
Pretty'n'pink: I saw a dog in a yurple (yellow and purple) sweater steal my bond.
Mahogany: What they did to me was name me... PRINCESS. I'm a guy. I mean, come on.
J.T. Your honor, this man has accused me of copying Snoopy from "Peanuts" in my show "Walnuts."
Louai: Ahh! It's your last life.
Brandon P.: OK, I did eat the last chicken bone.
 

 

Bessemer
Natalie: I did eat the steak he left on the porch. I was hungry and abandoned.
Denisea: The mailman was threatening me, so I bit his tushe.
Linda: Can't I wear more fashionable clothes? I'm a girl. And you know it was a cat!
Kayla C.: I am innocent. I did not lift my leg in his yard.
Bo: Well, Judge Mathis, I think the stinky poodle across the street stole my fuzzy bites.
Chicka: Why does everybody think my name is Snoopy and his name is Charlie?
I.K.S.: You beat yourself up, Mr. Falker.
-----------
THE REST
"I only agreed to put him up for one night and now he won't leave!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I caught him putting store brand food in an Iams bag! LIAR!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"In my defense, I would like the court to note that he does have a gorgeous leg."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
For the record, the interpreter and I shared a bowl of kibbles Monday night.
I last saw him at the lake trying to dog-paddle.
He was a great Secret Service dog until he saw all those maracas.
She's overly sensitive about her eczema bald spots . . . oops.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"I can't help it if he left his homework just lying around!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
That photo of all of us playing cards was a set-up.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
And that's when the defendant smacked me on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
Of course, I watched the whole thing! I'm a watchdog!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
...where they say every dog has his day?  Well, this is mine.
Mike Perry
 
...it was hot, it was July, ...you know, a real dog-day afternoon!
Mike Perry
 
"Look, for Lassie to save Timmy, someone's got to push him down the well."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Sure, I dug Hoffa up - but I didn't bury him."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Yes, that's the man whose dog make me litter."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"That's the bloke who plagiarized my masterpiece, 'Profiles in Curage.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I'm saying he forced me to eat his tax return just so he could get an extension."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Yes, that's the man whose dog made me litter."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I'm suing for animal cruelty because he told me 'Old Yeller' was a great movie."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Sticks, Callaway golf clubs - what's the difference?"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"That's him! That's the man who drew me in a suit and tie!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey, he knew the risks when he took that mail carrier gig!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I'm a dog. I eat, sleep and poop. So, sue me!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Poor Fido had one last resort.
So he took his new owner to court.
"I'm left alone every day
and he's too tired to play.
By the way, my name isn't Sport!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I can prove that the defendant leaked to the Red Baron where my brother was napping!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I was his 'wing-man' for years and how does he repay me? The back porch!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, so I refused to let him bob my tail. Look at that nose!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"He's the one who let me out when he was grilling franks. It's a 'dog eat dog world' out there!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Sure, everything sounds fun when you use a playful voice! Even, 'Let's go get neutered, good boy!'"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey, I didn't complain when he dragged in that ugly waitress last weekend!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Maybe you've heard the old saying, 'He who smelt it dealt it!'"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I agreed to make your life better, but you've got to give me a little something to work with here!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I misunderstood when he promised me a 'new leash on life'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Contrary to popular belief, this is a new trick, isn't it?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Ha! I've got my own chair now!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I'm sick and tired of being blamed for his lactose intolerance!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Your honor, the defendant is purposely trying to sway me with those sad little human eyes!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
If you should find yourself standing in court,
Don't take your dog along for support.
In horror you will watch
As he sniffs the judge's crotch.
That's ninety days at a county resort.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I'm constitutionally allowed to bite mailmen!
Tim Tribbett
 
I know it looks bad but I swear I'm all bark no bite!
Tim Tribbett
 
He wouldn't give a dog a bone!
Tim Tribbett
 
I thought we were going for a nice drive but then he pulls into the vet clinic and I kinda lost it.
Tim Tribbett
 
I just know that I had two when I entered that vet clinic!
Tim Tribbett
 
Yes, I bit it but it wasn't the hand that feeds me!
Tim Tribbett
 
..the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me, Dog.
Joe Slone, Greensboro
 
"His sign said 'WET CONCRETE,' so I did."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Sure I bit him. I thought I was his BFF and then I found a boarder collie in the basement."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
My name is Tracey Burnett. I live in Greensboro, NC. This week's cartoon reminded me of the movie "And Justice for All". So, my caption for this week's cartoon is: 
I ain't nothin' but a hounddog!...YOU ain't nothin' but a hounddog...this whole court ain't nothin' but a hounddog!
Tracey Burnett, Greensboro
 
"You gotta believe me, judge. HE did it. I just buried the bones!"
James Patterson
 
"Well, I reported him for operating a puppy mill - so I guess that makes me the whistleblower."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"He's just upset that I sprinkled his genealogy book - I distinctly
heard him refer to it as a family tree."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"He said the greatest Yankee was Dimaggio, I said Roof, and then we both went ballistic."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
We were ridng down the highway and I was in the cage on top of the car.
 Joyce Spangler, Greensboro
 
"I overheard him say he got a lab report and a cat scan - I thought he was cheating on me."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
I bit him in self defense.
So who was giving chase? You or the police?
Steve Nance, Gibsonville
 
He had me "fixed" against my will.
The gist of my lawsuit: Man bites dog.
J. C. Winkler, Greensboro
 
"I was OK with the sticks, balls and frisbees - but the boomerang made me snap."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Discipline began with a rolled up, small-town weekly, but escalated to the Sunday New York Times."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Hey, he said Wednesday was hump day!"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"The postman always rang twice - which was more than enough to provoke me."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I'm tired of winning bar bets for him - I want Freeeeedommm!"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I thought when he said 'roll over' he was referring to his IRA - so sue me."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Yes, I refused. His slippers smell HORRIBLE!
Tim Tribbett
 
I eventually brought him the paper. I had to read "Marmaduke"first!
Tim Tribbett
 
That may be him. Permission to sniff his rear?
Tim Tribbett
 
"He said he wanted a watch dog; I ate his Rolex."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
It was an accident, I'd never bite the hand that feeds me !
Look, he treated me like a dog !
Dog gone it, I'm innocent !
I really thought I was his best friend !
I was lost, then he found me !
He's a jerk, just look at my neck !
He's the reason I have ring around the collar !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Yes, your honor, I left it on the lawn...but he was supposed to pick it up. Look, I dont have fingers.
Charles Lea, Burlington
 
That's the jerk, he's the one who caused my whiplash !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I did not have a person in that fight!
Dan McLaurin-Greensboro
 
Forgive me, but how would you like someone to neuter you ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Look, shoo shoo happens, I can't help it !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
This canine, you see, has no scruples.
He's sniffing around for some loopholes.
But he's wasting his time.
They say justice is blind.
Must be right, 'cause the judge has no pupils.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Yes, that's the man who called me a ...."bad dog"!
Tim Tribbett
 
And THEN he tried to rub my nose in it!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Yes your honor, THAT'S the man who shot my paw!"
Send any cash reward in large bills only, please, along with the signed print before May 7th (I'm moving away). Love this feature!! Keep up the good work.
JT Austin, High Point
 
I never promised him all his imports would be doody free.
Tim Tribbett
 
I was shocked to say the least! Of course I was wearing a shock collar.
Tim Tribbett
 
It's not indecent behavior! I think you guys are just jealous.
Tim Tribbett
 
Are you going to take the word of a man who consorts with CATS!
Tim Tribbett
 
To be honest I'm not his best friend. I barely tolerate the guy.
Tim Tribbett
 
...I said hello to her, enjoyed some chit chat, and the next thing ya know I'm gettin hosed!
Mike Perry
 
..and because of this guy's newspaper, that story makes me the black sheep dog of the family!
Mike Perry
 
Guy in a bar, says "my dog talks."
Barkeep says 'If he does, I'll give you free drinks.'
Guys asks the dog "What's on a house?" Dogs says roof.
Next-:What's the texture of sandpaper?", dog says ruff.
"Who was Ed Norton's friend?" Dog says Ralph.
"Greatest baseballer?   Ruth. Barkeep kicks them both out.
Dog- "Ya think I shoulda said Dimaggio?"
Mike Perry
 
That's him! He stole my bone!
He told me to sic 'em. All I was doing was following a direct command!
Yes, I admit it, I twittered my owner.
No.He's lying! I didn't twitter him. I don't have opposable thumbs!
Lynda Perry
 
"I agreed to testify when I heard he was taking the case pro bono."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I'm telling the truth; only sleeping dogs lie."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
And then he said, "Come here Seamus, in the cage on top of the car".
Jack Alford, Greensboro
 
Here are my entries for this week:
“If the paw fits, you have to acquit.”
“Your honor, I was under the impression that fire hydrants were public domain.”
“Your honor, ‘fighting like cats and dogs’ is prejudicial and should be struck from the record.”
“After consuming cat-nip, she became violent and I had no choice but to defend myself.”
Rosamond Jenkins, Greensboro
 
"He told all my neighbors that my bark was worse than my bite."
"When you say point him out, do you mean like a dog?"
"All I know is that the guy was wearing tennis shoes and pink socks."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"In my defense, the red light and green light look exactly the same."
"To be fair the vacuum attacked first."
Anderson Ragan, Greensboro
 
"No wonder you're nauseated. You ate a Kardashian."
"Found the cause of your diabetes. You ate another Osmond."
Kevin Little
 
"My groomer charges $400 a visit, and I have the morals of a dog in heat. I am a perfect juror for the John Edward's trial!"
Kevin Little
 
I'm outta order?...he's outtta order, you're outta order, THIS WHOLE PLACE IS OUTTA ORDER!
Mike Perry
 
"My groomer charges $400 a visit, and I have the morals of a dog in heat. I am the perfect juror for the John Edward's trial!"
Kevin Little
 
'I'm innocent! Do I look like the type that chases parked cars?"
"I'd like to make a statement....Four score and one dog year ago, ...."
Dick Schubert, Summerfield
 
I figured Mr. Edwards was up to something when he bought me a stainless steel bowl instead of my usual gold one.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
After Jimmy fell into the well I barked for 30 minutes and...he...did...NOTHING!
David Gile, Greensboro
 
"I thought he said that we were going to the vet's to get TUTORED."
Ward Collis, Greensboro
 
"What's a guy supposed to do? There wasn't a tree or fire hydrant in sight!"
Ward Collis, Greensboro
 
Of course I plead temporary insanity!...everytime I see a cat! Geez!
Mike Perry
 
I didn't kill her! Why don't you ask Mr. Mason there what happened to her?
Mike Perry
 
Of course I bit him. He referred to me as a fatherless cur!
Mike Perry
 
Well, wouldn;t you bite him if he named you Frost?
Mike Perry
 
Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic agnostic? He lay awake all night, wondering if there really was a dog.
Mike Perry
 
Yes it's true, I gave birth to 6 puppies, but I shouldn't have been ticketed for littering!
Mike Perry
 
Yes I bit him! My names McGruff.
Mike Perry
 
I was paid 5 milk bones to eat Tommy's homework.
Tim Tribbett
 
Yes, I may have slandered him in my sleep but you're supposed to let sleeping dogs lie.
Tim Tribbett
 
And that's when the toilet lid injured my neck.
Tim Tribbett
 
But I'm an old dog and extortion would have been a new trick!
Tim Tribbett
 
1. Doggone if I know.
2. Sir, with that question you are barking up the wrong tree.
3. Yes, my owner is a ventriloquist.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
"That's the man that ate my yellow snow!"
"Yes Your Honor, I did hump his leg."
"For the record, no I did not eat his cat."
"You can't handle the truth...Woof!"
"Put the glove on my paw, I dare you!"
"What do I know? I'm just the dog who writes Tim Tribbett's jokes."
Stephen Parsons, Kernersville
 
That's him, I'd know that scent anywhere!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
If his name is Vick, you must convict!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Your Honor, I swear that I never ate Johnny's homework!!
mcamp
 
I'm not good with faces but I do remember his scent.
Tim Tribbett
 
Yes, I felt very abused by him.  He treated me just like a dog.
Andee Gable, Greensboro
 
So I'm charged with barking up the wrong tree?
Gordon McLamb, Greensboro
 
He's the one who's been playing ding-dong-ditch with my master, leaving sticky notes, and hiding packages.
I'd recognize my mailman anywhere - even in civies.
His bark is worse than his bite.
If the bite doesn't fit you must acquit.
He puts me in jail every night.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
Of course I can ID the defendant. I could track his scent through a three-day blizzard!
David Jones, Greensboro
 
He told me that his neighbor's knew I was a free range dog! Freedom!!!
Regina Williams, Jamestown
 
He told me it was okay to use the neighbor's yard. I didn't know the yard belongs to the Home Association's President!!!!
Regina Williams, Jamestown
 
I could not see the Poop Your Scoop sign. But, HE COULD!!!
Regina Williams, Jamestown
 
Since his neighbors did not cut their grass in 6 weeks, I didn't think they would find it!!!
 Regina williams, Jamestown
 
"It happened so fast, all I saw was his feet and ankles."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
What do you mean who tied my tie?
I'm guilty because he wouldn't give this dog a bone so I took it!
Am I the only one with a mouth?
HA HA HA! So they collared the criminal! That's real cute.
If I was insane then how could I have put on this suit?
Why don't you sit up here and let me ask you questions? My legs are too short!
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
If you think I killed that cat, you're barking up the wrong tree!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I wouldn't bite him. He can't handle the tooth!
Tim Tribbett
 
It's his doodie to pick it up!
Tim Tribbett
 
Yes, He;s the one.. He's guilty of felicide - he killed Toonces, the Cheshire, Figaro, Bigglesworth, Spot, Salty,
Bill the Cat.......
Mike Perry
 
Long ago- spanish captain taught his dog to bark once for si, and twice for no. His ship was capture by the British and that captain did the same. Once for aye, two for no. He became the world's first "Si and aye dog!"
Perry, Mike
 
"I thought he was just playing dead."
Phil Valla, Greensboro
 
That guy just rubs me the wrong way!
Tim Tribbett
 
That man treats me like a dog!
It seems like I’m always in the doghouse with him.
I am truly sorry to learn his cat didn’t really have eight more lives.
I swear it was an accident!
I was trained to go on newspaper. I’m sorry he was holding one.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
Wait, what about a flea bargain?
Denise Purcell, Greensboro
 
1) “HE let the dogs out.”
2) “I told the police I knew where all the bones were buried.”
3) “Every time I brought the ball back he shouted 'Fetch!'. It was humiliating.”
4) “He told me we were going to the park not the veterinarian.”
5) “SQUIRREL!”
6) “If you want me to testify, hand over a treat.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
l. He said  bite me, so I did!
2. But he said bite me!
3. It's a case of mistaken identity, we all look alike!
4. That man pulled his car over, got out, went behind my dog house and ...!
5. I didn't know it was his tree!.
6. I did not stain his whitewalls!
7. It's Brevity all over again.
8. He wouldn't even throw me a bone!
9. You're barking up the wrong tree, I have a solid alibi!
10. His bark isn't worse that his bite!
Nancy Nelson
 
I will not flea bargain.
I may chase cats, but you sir, chase ambulances.
He treated me like uh, you know, dog.
David Core, Greensboro
 
OK. Here are my excellent entries.
 
" Yes, your honor, I'm pointing to the one who treated me like a dog."
" I make no bones about it, your honor, he's the dogcatcher."
" But my bark was worse than my bite."
" And then he wanted me to fetch his paper."
" He wanted me to " litter ", but I refused."
" He always kept me on a short leash."
" He was the new postman so I had to do it."
" When I turned 3 he made me go to work."
" He told me to lick my wounds and get over it."
" It all happened during the dog days of summer."
" He then put me on the Greyhound."
" Bacon. I want bacon."
" Yes. Mr. Ed and I talked on a variety of issues."
" And he said I couldn't point."
" Your honor, he refused to put air conditioning in my doghouse."
Lee Richmond
 
Yes I bit him and I was trying to do to him , what he had done to me.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
I refuse to answer on the grounds I might inseminate myself!
Mike Perry
 
Cattica! Cattica! Caticca!
Mike Perry
 
Normally a rolled up newspaper isn't dangerous but THIS was the Sunday NY Times!
Tim Tribbett
 
All I said was with a nose like that he would have made a good bloodhound.
He called me his best friend and then took my dog hood from me.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
"Our master financed the rabbit hunt with bunny money"
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro
 
But, Sir, there he was, standing on the corner with red pants on. What was I to think? 
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
Posted by Tim Rickard on Thursday, April 26, 2012 at 8:01 pm

April 19, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 042012

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 042612
 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
OK, I’ll clear up some confusion about last week’s cartoon: Those ae whales, not sharks. And the dude in the x-ray wasn’t a ghost or an alien, he’s just a guy.
And on next week’s cartoon, that’s a dog ...
 
This week’s puzzles, courtesy of Monty Kivett

And this time, I have answers to last week’s puzzles!

 
Follow Brewster Rockit Tweets here at twitter.com/brewsterrockit
 

Also Follow Brewster Rockit here on Facebook

 
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

 
WINNER
You say you've had this problem for three days and three nights?
David Core, Greensboro
 
RUNNER-UPS
Jonah looks sorta down in the mouth, but he'll come out all right!
Mike Perry
 
Just spit him up on the shore and see me in two weeks.
David Guion
 
I'm putting you on a diet. There's a skinny person inside you just screaming to get out!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Lay off the "Manwiches."
Tim Tribbett
 
Your last meal really did stick to your ribs.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
"Not to worry, you just have a case of dude poisoning"
David Durham, Greensboro
 
No wonder you have gas, it's a politician!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Well we found the missing trainer.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
JR. WINNER
"You should always remember to chew your food."
Reily Rhoades, 12, Cary
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
This guy is skinny. Your diet is working.
R.A.C., Triangle Lake
 
Have you ever considered eating plankton?
Jordan, Triangle Lake
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
"If you keep eating like this, you're going to be as big as a ... never mind."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I see you've been eating Chinese again.
David Core, Greensboro
 
Talk about irony, this man is also a hump back.
David Core, Greensboro
 
"This doesn't really worry me. It's the surfboard I'm concerned about!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Congratulations! It's Robin Williams and you've won for 'Best Inside Joke.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I halfway expected Tim to draw a chicken on this X-ray."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Why can't you just eat crayons, like a normal kid?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Rickard missing again. It that him in the x-ray?
Henry, Greensboro
 
Well I see what Rickard was doing while on vacation.
David Core, Greensboro
 
Does Rickard have a Moby-us strip fetish?
Mike Perry
 
As for the father, I suspect Rickardons!
Mike Perry
 
Wow, this is almost as complicated as a comic strip full of Zorkons, Zomulans, Dorkons, and Mosage.
Mike Perry
Mosage? Really? You knew the name of that character? Wow! He only appeared (with that name) one week. I didn’t like the character and I replaced him with Toada.
 
As for the father, I suspect Rickardons!
Mike Perry
 
These hazings have got to stop. How many did they make you swallow?
Les Thomas, Sterling, VA 
 
Hey, Rickard, if you borrow ideas from Jenner's Doc Rat's you write the caption contest,
I can borrow the winning entries?
Henry, Greensboro
Who?
 
"Shouldn't have left us hanging last week. Looks like the joke's on you, Rickard."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
OK, Tim promises that if you let him go, then he will draw an easier cartoon for "The Joke's on You" next week.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
OMG!  Its...its...Moby Rickard!
Mike Perry
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Perfect Jim Toomey tribute!
Mike Perry
   
Were you the Land Shark on Saturday Night Live?
Ronnie Mills, GSO
 
Well. it's one of 3- Jonah, Pinocchio or some guy called Ishmael!
Mike Perry
 
Repeat after me, "Friends not Food...."
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
BEST/WORST PUN
"Not to worry, you just have a case of dude poisoning"
David Durham, Greensboro
 
Now, I'm no brain-sturgeon, but just for the halibut, I'll say this: This is no fluke! It's a real fin-omenon. but remember...you are not Cod's gift to the world.   On salmon chanted evening, you met a nice piano tuna, and the next day you were breaming ear to ear. I'd krill for a night like that, jonah what I mean?
Mike Perry
I think you get worst pun for next week too.
 
Momma baleen whale was smashing plankton into a mush, and added a lotta crustacean carapace to it, all the time singing "Krill cream, a brittle crab will do ya..."
Mike Perry
OK, I’m pulling you over for doing 12 puns in a two-pun zone.
 
Whale, whale, whale...you've been busy, haven't you May Baleen!
Mike Perry
I mean it …
 
According to this, your situation is just a fluke!
Mike Perry
Someone please make him stop!!!
 
"What do you mean, you just couldn't 'kelp' yourself?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
Don’t let Mike be a bad influence on you, Terry!
 
BEST POEMS
The Whale Doc looked at the x-ray and said,
From the looks of this you should be dead.
What are you going to do when you go to the can?
A five foot fish, carrying a six foot man.
Good luck.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
Whales are glorious creatures.
They display a majestic persona.
They are found all over the world.
Well, maybe not in Arizona.
They seem fun on the outside,
Not so much on the inside.
But don't take my word, just ask Jonah.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Doc, this stomach ache drives me insane!"
"Sir, the cause of your problem's quite plain.
    I will be rather blunt.
    You are part of a stunt.
On the screen I can see David Blaine."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
"You're suppose to chew once for each tooth".
Alex Serpe, Age 12, Mendenhall Middle School
 
"You should always remember to chew your food."
Reily Rhoades, 12, Cary
 
"I would hold off on the baby names for a while."
Yazmyn Lowe, age 11, Greensboro
 
"Good news — We've located your inner self."
Ryan Jakubsen, 12
 
-----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Triangle Lake Montessori
Z-Man: Are you a killer whale?
T.M.: That's your baby, all right.
Taha: What kind of person swims into a huge mouth? Seriously, it's just wrong.
Cullen: Why are you nude?
Tre: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're a 'hale.' That means half human, half whale.
Zahabia: Sir, you have the human flu. You need to get the whalahuman out medicine from the medawhale store.
R.A.C.: This guy is skinny. Your diet is working.
Little Kam:If you want to get that human out, you'll have to go to the bathroom.
Jordan: Have you ever considered eating plankton?
Kalani: You look like a man in a gorilla suit.
Chay: Whale, next time you need help, call Ghost Busters.
Tom: Yup, still 100% mammal.
Madison: Nice ten-pack, dude.
Gretchen: I see the problem: you're a vegetarian.
Chloe: Um, your baby looks very disturbing.
Camryn: Hey, looks like you ate a swimsuit model.
Matthew: It looks like your ribs are on the outside of your body.
Courtney: Here's the problem. Stop eating the pudding cups, and you'll have a six-pack.
J. Kate: You are going to need whamputation.
Jade: I am in misery. Sorry , I like Maroon 5.
Angela: Lay off the saltwater taffy.
Lyndon: Isn't your name Moby Dick?
William: Have you been following your diet?
Nick T.: That's a big gingerbread man!
 
 
Frazier
Pretty'n'pink: Why did you eat him, Larry?
Brandon P.: You are going to have to cough him up, sorry. But he was salty.
Louai: Oh, barnacles.
J.T.: Apparently you should have a diet. From this food, it could cause clogging of the blow hole.
Jami'el: I'm not sure if taking revenge on the whalers is so sweet.
Chase: The X-ray shows a human. How can you be breathing?
 
Bessemer
Natalie: I see that you ate a human. That must be giving you diarrhea.
I.K.S.: You ate a basketball player. You'll be subbing for him, so shoot some hoops.
Chicka: You will need serious whaleation for this.
Denisea: When did you eat the man off of Moby Dick?
Bo: Well, Moby Dick, you ate another scientist again, didn't you?
Kayla: No offense, but you have the guts of a human!
Linda: I think you need a diet. The food is trying to haunt you.
-----------
THE REST
"I'm putting you on a diet. There's a skinny person inside you just screaming to get out!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"It's nothing to be alarmed about. It's just someone you ate."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Now, that's a meal that will really stick to your ribs!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This doesn't really worry me. It's the surfboard I'm concerned about!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Didn't they teach you in health class never to eat 'Navy Seals'?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"It seems that you swallowed a mime. You have done humanity a great service!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Well, that would explain the voices you've been hearing."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I halfway expected Tim to draw a chicken on this X-ray."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I can't say that I'm surprised, although it sure looks like your dinner guest was."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I just can't believe what gets into you youngsters sometimes!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, I thinks it's time we talked about your 'personnel' eating habits."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"If you keep eating like this, you're going to be as big as a.......never mind."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"So, I suppose you're going to tell me you were just swimming around with your mouth open."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I'm sorry, but your story sounds a little 'non-fishy' to me!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Gosh, E.T., it's gonna be a little tough to phone home from there!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"My question is....... did it taste like chicken?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I know I put you on a high protein diet, but this is ridiculous!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"What do you mean, you just couldn't 'kelp' yourself?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Why can't you just eat crayons, like a normal kid?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"French food is fine. But Jacques-Yves Cousteau? That's just wrong!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Not to worry, you just have a case of dude poisoning"
David Durham, Greensboro
 
It's obvious you went off your plankton diet.
Sorry, no final diagnosis until the film dries.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
“Not to worry. We all have an inner man trying to get out.”
Dick
 
from the looks of your X-Ray your problem seems to be not properly chewing your food
Candace E.Y. Heer
 
"Steve shouldn't have gone swimming right after eating a Snickers Peanut Butter Squared."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"The x-ray shows you just have individualgestion" (For whale cartoon)
Cindy Strable, Greensboro
 
So her name will be Truth, right Pudding?
Looks like what happened in Roswell did not stay in Roswell.
Uncle Martin will be proud.
And that's what you get for taking candy from strangers!
Ronnie Mills, Greensboro
 
Sorry, it's bad news, but you don't have a ghost of a chance.
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
It appears you and Casper got a little too friendly
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
1.) Whoa, that must have been some party!
2.) You need to keep your mouth shut when you swim.
3.) This explains the voice you've been hearing.
4.) I'll prescribe a gentle laxative.
Tim Tribbett
 
Someone should write a book about your obsession with this particular white male.
2.) Good news! It's a Jonah not a malignant Jonas brother.
Tim Tribbett
 
It's going to be painful, but this too shall pass.
Jean Ann Trull, Greensboro
 
... no woner your belly hurts ... you'll eat ANYTHING!!
John Linton, High Point
 
"Relax. You're not sick. It's just something you ate."
Joel Styron - Eden                                             
 
"Congratulations! It's Robin Williams and you've won for 'Best Inside Joke.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"This knighted Brit you swallowed, Sir Hosis, has damaged your liver."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"It appears you've swallowed Dan Marino; but he'll pass."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"What irony - you've swallowed the Cetacean Museum's Director of  Internal Affairs.'
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"The good news: I think we've finally solved the mystery of what happened to D. B. Cooper."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"There's a little boy inside you trying to get out."
Spad
 
Well, well. Here's that fellow Jonah we've been searching for!
Ann Allred
 
 “Not to worry. We all have an inner man trying to get out”.
Dick Schubert, Summerfield
 
"This might explain why your cholesterol has been so high."
Charles Cameron, Greensboro
 
I'm not sure, but I think we've found Jonah!
Mike Perry
 
Well, your drawing is a man. But why did you name him Herman?
Mike Perry
 
"I don't mean to alarm you, Mr. Orca, but this x-ray is of Biblical proportion."
David Neale, Gibsonville
 
"Go to Nineveh. I know a specialist there who can remove this blockage."
Al Rives, Greensboro
 
1.This is a manifestation directly related to your diet.
2.Have you been sleeping with your mouth open again?
3.We discussed this on your last visit. No more red meat!
4.Didn't I tell you to avoid anything with a kick?
5.It' was a false alarm. Your definitely not pregnant.
6.Man,...not again!!!
Ella McClellan Greensboro
 
You have either Jonah or Ahab Syndrome.
David Core, Greensboro
                                                              
"You did eat something that didn't agree with you"
Jerry Kidd, Greensboro
 
You've obviously eaten someone who disagrees with you.
I didn't know aliens could swim.
Another app for your I-pod.
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
 I see the cause of your indigestion - it was something you ate!
Rachel Martin, Greensboro
 
1. So that story about you and Noah really is true.
2. I think I have discovered the cause of your stomach ache.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
The xray shows you have a haunted belly. I'm going to bring in a specialist, Dr. Scooby.
Rich Whelpley, High Point
 
"Yes that is Jonah"
Joyce Spangler,Greensboro
 
"It's Tim Tebow: I hope you said grace."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Talk about irony! It's Steven Spielberg."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Boy, will this guy have a story to tell!
Tim Tribbett
 
What have you been eating for God's sake!
Tim Tribbett
 
Looks like a gastric foreign body of biblical proportions!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I thought it was a myth, there really IS a Jonah.
For heaven sakes, you swallowed ET.
Marcia Minsky, Communications Officer, The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan Club, Camarillo, CA
 
" There better be a whale of a story behind this."
" Have you been travelling far recently ?"
" Tell me more about this circular ship that sank."
" This is an unidentified food object."
" At first we thought it was twins."
" So, is this a restaurant that you would recommend ?"
" That sperm whale you live with has done it again."
" Are you certain you aren't seeing someone else?"
" The whale watchers want a word with you."
" You went to the surface, and what happened next ?"
" Far too few calories for your daily intake."
" Oh, no ! You ate Casper the Friendly Ghost."
" Everything looks good. Maybe more roughage in your diet."
" Oh sure. Now tell me all about the music and the lights."
" Are you sure he said, " Bet you can't eat just one ?"
" Diet is good but try to choose food with more color in it."
" There you go again- Gulping down your food."
" Of course you have a whale of a bellyache. You must chew your food."
" Tummy a little upset ?"
Lee F Richmond, Jamestown
 
"Yes you are pregnant and here is the proof Pudding"
Looks like what happened in Roswell did not stay in Roswell.
Uncle Martin will be proud.
And that's what you get for taking candy from strangers!
Ronnie Mills, Greensboro
 
No wonder you have gas, it's a politician !
Didn't I tell you to eat fillets only, nothing whole ?
How many times have I told you to chew before swallowing ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Looks like a Titanic stomach ache !
If you'd jaw it some, you wouldn't have trouble passing it !
Didn't I tell you not to swallow any bones ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
You need to stop loading up on junk food, OK ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Just spit him up on the shore and see me in two weeks.
David Guion
 
"Looks like Dr. McCoy didn't quite finish his voyage home."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Looks like the food critic who reviewed shark fin soup last week - touche."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
" Here is the reason your stomach is upset."
Dalton Smith, Greensboro
 
I told you to stay away from Jonah!
Eric Janecek
 
Bit off more than you could chew this time, didn't you ?
Rather upchuck, or just let it pass ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Just as I thought...Jonahitis."
"Looks like someone has fallen off their Kelp Diet."
Stephen Parsons, Kernersville
 
You have the "Little Green Man " stomach flu.
Regina Williams, High Point
 
STOP EATING THE SEAFOOD SPECIALS AT THE SHACK!!!!!!
Regina Williams, High Point
 
Did you go to another Truth and Dare party again???
Regina Williams, High Point
                                                  
I've seen this before, it's called the Jonah syndrome.
It's obvious that you're not chewing your food.
Looks like you've got maningitus.
Les Thomas, Sterling, VA
 
"Take two tons of krill and he'll pass by morning"
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro
 
A lot of my peers are calling this X-ray "The Great White" male.
Mike Perry
 
This isn't an X-ray, it's an ultrasound!
Mike Perry
 
Jonah I can believe. But this isn't a man, it's an alien!
Mike Perry
 
No, you're not with child.   And I bet you aren't hungry for a long time, either!
Mike Perry
 
You say this is a Biblical character named Jonah?   Naw''...I ain't swallowing that!
Mike Perry
 
No, it's not serious. An enema, and you'll be good as new!
Mike Perry
 
I thought we agree you were going to avoid snacks!
Mike Perry
 
Does Rickard have a Moby-us strip fetish?
Mike Perry
 
Jonah looks sorta down in the mouth, but he'll come out all right!
Mike Perry
 
Perfect Jim Toomey tribute!
Mike Perry
 
You need to avoid these kind of foods or you'll end up all washed up!
Mike Perry
 
No, no. I said you'd profit from eating better. I didn't tell you to eat a prophet.
David Guion
 
I said, "a lean" diet NOT alien.
Olivia Brooks, Greensboro
 
"Well that's good cause Steve just ate Snicker's peanut butter squares."
Sterling Brooks, Greensboro
 
Lay off the "Manwiches".
Tim Tribbett
 
1.) I think I found the reason for all your bad luck!
2.) You really ARE a Jonah!
Tim Tribbett
 
You really were abducted
Would have been a good story but you ate the evidence
I thought you were on the chicken of the sea diet
Just because it swims in the water does not make it safe to eat
Talk about one hit wonders
CSI can stop looking for Jack the Knife
This beats the Jonah story
This picture is much clearer.  At first I thought it was SpongeBob.
Where you the Land Shark on Saturday Night Live?
You had too many mariantinis last night
Ronnie Mills, GSO
 
I told you to stay away from those ghost ships!
He looks like Jonah. Just swim over to Ninevah and spit him out.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"It's Jonah again, playing hooky from work!"
"How do you get rid of this stomach bug? Swim right to Nineveh and regurgitate on shore."
"Take two large heaves and call me in the morning."
"But your chart lists you as vegetarian..."
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
"It appears that Extra-Terrestrials are difficult to digest."
Ken Logwood, High Point
 
“I’m not sure but do you think he might have said ‘Take me to your leader’ and not ‘Make me your dinner’?”
Andee Gable, Greensboro
           
"You'll make headlines! They've been looking for Jimmy Hoffa for years!"
Karen Gehrke, Greensboro
 
Normally it takes about three days to pass, one way or the other !
You're living for two now, aren't you ?
What made you think this one was a keeper ?
Your eyes got bigger than your stomach again, I see !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"So this is how you got out of your Sea World contract? Nice!"
Maurice Lowe, Greensboro
 
"So when is this James Cameron character supposed to start filming Jonah 3D."
Maurice Lowe, Greensboro
                  
Did your mom not tell you to chew your food when you eat?
It will take more than Rolaids to cure this stomach ache.
Well we found the missing trainer.
If this is Jonah, they are going to have to re-write his story.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
1.) I'm going to try something I call the "Jonahlich maneuver".
2.) No wonder you've had a craving for Kosher food.
Tim Tribbett
 
Mr. Whale, you were not the first one.
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
If you cough hard enough, he's bound to come up.
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
"I don't think this was on your diet."
"Take two aspirins and he will blow out by morning."
No doubt about it. He is no Jonah.
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
"Pick out some male names like Ahab, or Willy for your first child."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
"Looks like you swallowed one o the occupants of the saucer."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
"Get prepared for an "out of this world birth."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
1. “You need to start chewing your food.”
2. “Impressive! You should get this framed.”
3. “I see you saved someone from having to do their taxes."
4. “It appears you also swallowed a winning lottery ticket.”
5. “He probably had a wife and kids. Next time focus on a more balanced diet.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"This one looks like a keeper."
"Why yes, I think he does look surprised."
"Do you want to know the sex of your victim?"
"You fraternity boys shouldn't swallow humans."
"I saw one of you eat a rocking chair once."
"I can get him out but I'm not going to clean him."
"Is that the Gorton Fisherman?"
"What, no hushpuppies?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale.
 
Whale, whale, whale...what do we have here?
Mike Perry
 
It's Jonah alright, you just can't keep a good man down!
Mike Perry
 
Now, I'm no brain-sturgeon, but just for the halibut, I'll say this: This is no fluke! It's a real fin-omenon. but remember...you are not Cod's gift to the world.   On salmon chanted evening, you met a nice piano tuna, and the next day you were breaming ear to ear.
I'd krill for a night like that, jonah what I mean?
Mike Perry
 
Momma baleen whale was smashing plankton into a mush, and added a lotta crustacean carapace to it, all the time singing "Krill cream, a brittle crab will do ya..."
Mike Perry
 
You say you've had this problem for three days and three nights?
So that's what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.
I see you've been eating Chinese again.
It could be an alien parasite.
Is it true that humans taste like chicken?
Take 2000 aspirin and call me in the morning.
This makes for a whale of a story.
David Core, Greensboro
 
You really need to start chewing your food better!
Chris Marland, Burlington
 
1. That's Casper, you dummy. You were supposed to swallow Jonah.
2. Regurgitate and call me in the morning.
Gordon McLamb, Greensboro
 
Hmmm - that looks like Jimmy Hoffa...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
The good news is, this too shall pass.
Poor fellow--he's really in over his head.
I've got to warn you about these new fad diets.
So he looked like a squid, did he?
Might want to go easy on the sushi.
Just as I suspected--diver's cramps.
Well this explains the voice you've been hearing.
You've got a bad case of swimmer stomach.
Margaret Wolfe-Roberts, Asheboro
 
I think you've misinterpreted the new dietary recommendations.
Surprised you got him down, really.
So tell me again about this dare you took?
Margaret Wolfe-Roberts, Asheboro
 
Entry #1: "The truth is out there."
Entry #2: "So, did you or did you not swallow a one-legged alien?"
Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.
 
I'm not wondering how, but who!
Mike Perry
 
Whale, whale, whale...you've been busy, haven't you May Baleen!
Mike Perry
 
Wow, this is almost as complicated as a comic strip full of Zorkons, Zomulans, Dorkons, and Mosage.
As for the father, I suspect Rickardons!
Mike Perry
 
These hazings have got to stop. How many did they make you swallow?
Les Thomas, Sterling, VA 
 
Little Green Men may be from Vega, but they are not Vegan.
Hey,  Rickard, if you borrow ideas from Jenner's Doc Rat's you write the caption contest,
I can borrow the winning entries?
It's the American Diabetes Association food exchanges, not the American Divers Association.
Henry, Greensboro
 
So tell me Charlie, does it really taste like chicken?
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
 
"Shouldn't have left us hanging last week. Looks like the joke's on you, Rickard."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Remember, digestion starts with chewing, OK ?
Have you lost your dentures again ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Its the surfboard pieces bothering you.
You were need some acid reflux medicine if you continue to eat this way.
You have a hiatal hernia and will need to eat smaller meals several times a day rather than one big one.
Small fish several times a day would be a better option than stuffing yourself once a day.
Peggy Koppel, Greensboro
 
OK, Tim promises that if you let him go, then he will draw an easier cartoon for "The Joke's on You" next week.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"I've scheduled you for an emergency humanectomy."
Joanne Gray, Oak ridge
 
This? Oh, don't worry, it's a Picasso!
Mike Perry
 
Me? Oh, everyone knows I'm the coolest guy in the hospital- the ultrasound guy!
Mike Perry
 
Well, if you can't afford the operation, I can touch up the x-ray for 20 bucks!
(RIP Henny Youngman)
Mike Perry
 
According to this, you situation is just a fluke!
Mike Perry
 
This just chills me to the baleen!
Mike Perry
 
Well. it's one of 3- Jonah, Pinocchio or some guy called Ishmael!
Mike Perry
 
Your majesty, you're pregnant with a boy. Isn't that cool, I'm the doctor for the next Prince of Whales!
Mike Perry
 
Hi - I missed my Joke's On You this week... Hope you're having a good vacation :)
I have a submission for this week's cartoon.
"So... Who's the father?"
Thanks! Alison
 
How do I know it's not a stomach ache? Coz I can see right through you!
Mike Perry
 
So, God told you to swallow this guy and spit him out at Nineveh?
Mandy Campbell, Reidsville
 
Looks like you got a hold of some bad meat - it's Bin Laden.
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
"You say he keeps tickling you with a feather and lighting small fires?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
This explains your strangely coherent stomach noise.
Tim Tribbett
 
Side effects may include eye lose, purplish discoloration and horn and wing growth.
Tim Tribbett
 
You need to chew your food better before swallowing.
I can't believe you ate the whole thing.
American food tends to stick to your ribs.
I'm glad to see that you are eating leaner foods....
You need to go easy on the red meat....
Is it true that they taste like chicken?
If you are what you eat, you will be an attorney when you 'get out of school.' 
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
Let us use a little seaoning this time.
Numa Redmon
 
Great - Now they'll have to make another sequel.
So, did you taste the peanut butter?
I would have thought that competitive eaters would be bigger....
No more shark fin soup for him....
I guess Kobayashi ate his last hot dog.
Just when he thought it was safe to go back in the water....
Repeat after me, "Friends not Food...."
No spears, no boards, no problem....
So, is Eastern Bar-B-Q better eating?
Tastes like Scrapple, huh?
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
He does exist!
Marcia Minsky Communications Officer The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan, Club Camarillo, CA
 
Well I see what Rickard was doing while on vacation.
Don't panic, it's probably a ghost in the machine.
Looks like you're taking these whale wars a little too far.
Didn't your mother teach you to chew your food?
Talk about irony, this man is also a hump back.
If this gets out, Green Peace will be picketing us.
David Core, Greensboro
 
Seems you picked up an internal parasite on your trip to the Red Sea.
Tim Tribbett
 
Wow, I'm going to make a million from Star!
Mike Perry
 
I'm afraid he torah hole in your stomach!
Tim Tribbett
 
Rickard missing again. It that him in the x-ray?
Henry, Greensboro
 
I can see why you gained 170 lbs. on your trip to the beach.
You last meal really did stick to your ribs.
It’s a good thing you don’t chew your food.
You’re lucky he’s a lawyer. No one will miss him.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
This might explain the voices you’ve been hearing.
Randy Sheppard
 
Not chewing your food is the problem.
Norman Welker, Greensboro
 
Take smaller bites next time.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
I'm sorry to have to tell you, but it's a virulent case of jonahitis.
Sam Penry
 
"Nope, not a manatee...not a man o' war...not a manta ray...guess again."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Would you believe they're mammals just like us?"
"I remember I cut one open during med school."
"I'll use my forceps and try to fish him out."
"Now this is one human of a story."
"I can tell you came up from the gulf because he's a Cajun."
"Quick, nurse, 10 cc's of tartar sauce."
"I'm almost certain this thing is malignant."
"It's okay as long as you did it for research."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
Caption: Well, sir, it seems you gulped a politician and studies show they are hard to swallow.
J R Albrecht, Greensboro
 
Where exactly were you enjoying the "local food"?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
1. "The pink stuff won't help. Throwing up will."  
2. "You have a rare illness called "Jonah".
3.  "You ate Jonah and he has to come up."
4.  "I recommend you head for shore and throw up."
Arista Shelton, Greensboro
 
OMG!  Its...its...Moby Rickard!
Mike Perry
 
"To be honest with you, I'm more concerned about that hole in your head."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
Are you sure it was your mother's cooking that didn't agree with you?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Looks like someone ordered the surf and turf.
Tim Tribbett
 
We'll lure him out with some lox and bagels.
Tim Tribbett
 
"I said that you should try  A LEAN diet!!"  
"Have you been cruising Area 51 again?"
CC  Cockerham, Greensboro
 
"Well, I've got good news & I've got bad news....the good news?  You're not imagining the little voice saying 'phone home' over & over.......".
"Well, you're not crazy..there's a reason that your stomach growl sounds like 'beammm me upppp'. "
CC  Cockerham, Greensboro
 
“Well yes, it looks as if you were successful in curing his hiccups.”
Andee Gable, Greensboro

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Thursday, April 19, 2012 at 1:35 pm

April 6, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 040612

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 041912
 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
When I got this idea, I’d forgotten that I did a chicken cartoon just a couple months ago. Oh, well, it gave you a chance to recycle your old captions. And speaking of recycling, the art might look familiar ...
 
Oh, and more puzzles courtesy of Monty Kivett, Greensboro. Try 'em, they're fun.
 
 

 

Follow Brewster Rockit Tweets here at twitter.com/brewsterrockit

 

Also Follow Brewster Rockit here on Facebook

 
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

 
WINNER
"These are the disturbing facts as to why everything tastes like chicken."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
RUNNER-UPS
Our investment in Humpty Dumpty Inc is falling fast
Ronnie Mills, Greensboro
 
"Would you take this across the road for me, please?"
Darrel Wells
 
"We're having a party Saturday night on the other side of the road. I hope you can make it."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
McNuggets are CHICKEN! Spread the word!
Tim Tribbett
 
They told me to distribute to all my peeps.
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
“Hope you can read my chicken scratch.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
“It’s official. Here’s your pecking orders.”
Dick Schubert, Summerfield
 
Results are in! The egg came first.
Robert Wurz, Stokesdale
 
JR. WINNER
"Your department laid an egg on this one . . . congratulations!"
Alex Serpe, age 12, Mendenhall Middle School
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
I am giving out wanted posters for the butcher. He cut my mama's head off.
Camryn, Triangle Lake
 
Yesterday I saw your grandpa running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I think it was.
Mahogany D, Frazier
 
Too bad your wife died. I had an eggcellent friendship with her.
I.K.S., Bessemer
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
My retraction on that whole"sky is falling" thing.
Tim Tribbett
 
Here's my "Eat mor Kow" flyer.
Tim Tribbett
 
Interested in a timeshare coop?
Tim Tribbett
 
"Here's your copy of today's 'pecking order'."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Tonight's meeting is across the street.
Bob Strack
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Here. Jot down a dynamite caption for this cartoon and mail it to Terry Christensen in Greensboro."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Here's the lease on your new two-door coupe. She got checked out good in last week's cartoon."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
It's the early morning edition of JOU
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
 
"Remember, you said you'd reimburse me for that coffee we had together back in January? Here's the bill."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You've been chosen to present this certificate from the EPA to Tim for recycling cartoon figures."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
These are the minutes of our executive board meeting of January 6, 2012.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Sheesh! Even the kids noticed I recycled the chicken art
So...how was coffee?
William, Triangle Lake Montessori
 
Hey, aren't you the guy from the coffee shop? Come work there.
Chase K., Frazier
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
"This is a 'cease and desist' order. I say, I say, no more Foghorn Leghorn impressions, son!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Would have nailed these 95 complaints to Farmer Brown's door - if I were prehensile."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"A boycott of the Beatles - I just found out 'Yesterday' was originally titled 'Scrambled Eggs.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Chicken is the Word" is too offensive. To be more PC, the gov't changed it to "Bird is the Word," sung
by some stutterer. Here'e the lyrics.
Mike Perry
 
BEST/WORST PUNS
I know it's blank - practice your henmanship!
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
"The truth behind the Tarzan series, by Egger Rice Burroughs."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Yeah, I know our paper is blank. It's more of an 'eggsistential' publication."
Jamie Herring, Greensboro
 
"News of an exhibition by our martial arts master, Chick Norris."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Extra! Extra! Read all about it- Local chicken wins Pulletsurprise!
Mike Perry
 
Fill out this application, list all previous eggsperience.
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
BEST POEMS
“Read this pamphlet!” a chicken once cried.
“We are chickens! We have to show pride.
    For we all can attest
    Humans like chickens best
When they’re baked, broiled, battered or fried.”
 
But the other hen just turned and smiled.
“There’ s no need for you getting all riled.
    There's not much to discuss.
    Without man, there’s no us.
Could you see one of us in the wild?
 
“If we lived in the massive expanse
Of the forest, we haven't a chance!
    We'd be killed living there
    By a fox or a bear.”
“That's so true,” the first chicken then pants.
 
So the two trotted back to the coop.
And their pride they'll work hard to recoup.
    But now each of them strives
    Living both of their lives
Hoping they won't wind up in a soup.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Our new jingle airs tonight:
Be kind to the sow
And save the peeps
Look for the cow
And eat more meats
Ronnie Mills, Greensboro
 
A hen is a strange kind of bird.
It can't sit on a telephone wire.
It has trouble crossing the road
And it will never be known as a flyer.
But it makes a great broth
And like a man of the cloth
It also makes an excellent fryer.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
"Your department laid an egg on this one . . . congratulations!"
"I'll need you to cross the road on this one."
"Big drop off in "Jumbos" this quarter."
"I'll need this in my coop by Monday."
Alex Serpe, age 12, Mendenhall Middle School
-----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Triangle Lake Montessori
Camryn: I am giving out wanted posters for the butcher. He cut my mama's head off.
Tre: Hey, Francis, prepare to be chickenated.
Chay: You can go to jail for free!
R.A.C.: Extra! Extra! Golden egg was laid!
Joe: Have a copy of the Beakly Weekly.
Zahabia: Here is your contract to be famous in belly land.
Jade: I love these comic books. Superman.
Little Kam: The paper has an egg I made on it. Lay an egg, just lay an egg. You'd better lay an egg. It's the egg party.
Courtney: Order for Mr. Cluck Muck.
Z-Man: I just laid an egg!
J. Kate: Here is the top chick of Lover Beak Magazine.
Kalani: They cancelled "eat mor chikin."
Cullen: They're killing hens to make peeps.
The Dollar General: Testify against the chicken fry.
T.M.: I have a big surprise for you. You're fired.
K.A.B.: Here are all of your tests with scores. You got F's, F's, F's.
Taha: Extra! Extra! The paper says you're ugly.
Madison: Here are the steps to the chicken dance.
Tom: This is your review, and it's bad.
Chloe: Get the scoop on the coop.
Lyndon: Make chickengami on rice.
Nick: Telol me if you see any words on this paper.
William. So...how was coffee?
 
Frazier
Pete: Come to my henhouse party. It'll rock the farm.
Miranda: This time the chickens are doing the Easter thing.
Matt CD.: Have you seen this cow with his misspelling?
Simone: Here's an invitation to the Easter party! Bring your own eggs.
Little Mama: This pamphlet is all the chickens need to hide on Easter. They take our eggs and promise not to eat us, but they still do.
Ayanna: We're having an Easter egg hunt, so bring your eggs. There will be prizes.`
R.T.: We're having a hen in the cluck-a-teria, and we are going to yolk him.
A.Z.W.: You draw a picture of the White House of Vietnam, and I'll make the model. Please don't make the White House a barn.
Azzam: Here's the paper you wanted for your audition. By the way, are you going to do your play at the barn? If you do, the farmer will freak out.
Mahogany D.: Yesterday I saw your grandpa running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I think it was.
Pretty'n'Pink: You want to get some chicken wings after work?
Chase K.: Hey, aren't you the guy from the coffee shop? Come work there.
Brandon P.: Here's a weight loss program before Thanksgiving.
Louai: Can I have the chicken soup?
A.G.: Here's your recipe. I hope you lay golden eggs.
J.T.: Please sign this paper to participate in the "Chicken Run from the Humans."
Jami'el: Don't be so chicken. Read the story.
----------------------
Bessemer
I.K.S.: Too bad your wife died. I had an eggcellent friendship with her.
Bo: You can come to my house in the morning for some cream of corn.
-----------
THE REST
I hope you can read my chicken scratch.
Tim Tribbett
 
This week's caption, "Why didn't I get the memo to wear red today?"
Lisa Myers, Greensboro
 
"Come check out our new bookstore. This Tuesday we're having a poultry reading."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
It's a petition for more than just "chicken feed."
It's a petition by the capons for more control over their bodies.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"This is a petition to ban all cartoonists from drawing us with 'chicken fingers'."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Here's a blank piece of paper. Enjoy!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Read about a new feather transplant procedure. Finally, an alternative to the comb-over!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I just need ten more signatures to file as a candidate for the Hen Party."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Here's your new schedule. I'm afraid you're gonna have to get up with the chickens."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"We're having a party Saturday night on the other side of the road. I hope you can make it."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Remember, you said you'd reimburse me for that coffee we had together back in January? Here's the bill."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Here. Jot down a dynamite caption for this cartoon and mail it to Terry Christensen in Greensboro."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I need you to list ten good reasons for crossing the road, other than the obvious cliche."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I know I've been saying it for years, but believe me.....the sky is falling!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
A hen is a strange kind of bird.
It can't sit on a telephone wire.
It has trouble crossing the road
And it will never be known as a flyer.
But it makes a great broth
And like a man of the cloth
It also makes an excellent fryer.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
She starts off her 35-page letter with "I'm brooding about being a brood hen."
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Here's the itinerary for our 'Occupy Chik-fil-A' campaign."
Another campaign flyer from Henrietta -- "More Grit in our Diets NOW!!!"
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Here's the lease on your new two-door coupe. She got checked out good in last week's cartoon."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This is a 'cease and desist' order. I say, I say, no more Foghorn Leghorn impressions, son!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This outlines our proposal to buy out Tyson and start our own 'chicken co-op'."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Here's your copy of today's 'pecking order'."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I think you'll like our new restaurant. Our buffalo wings are made from real buffalo."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You've been chosen to present this certificate from the EPA to Tim for recycling cartoon figures."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
“It’s official. Here’s you’re pecking orders.”
Dick Schubert, Summerfield
 
"Please sign my 'Eat More Beef' petition."
Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro
 
I have finally solved the mystery of why the chicken crossed the road...
Tushar Zaver
 
We're gonna overthrow the farmer in a coop d'etat!
Tim Tribbett
 
We pay cash for your old corn!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Eat more beef!"
Barbara Bolden, Eden
 
"Is this your chicken scratch?"
David Durham, Greensboro
 
"Just found out those Chick-fil-A UFOs - unidentified frying objects - are us."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Would have nailed these 95 complaints to Farmer Brown's door - if I  were prehensile."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Need to have these curative alternatives to chicken soup circulated ASAP."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I'm running for the highest roost to establish a new pecking order."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Proof that our rowdy rooster was out all night dancing chick to chick."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"In case some wiseacre asks - 250 reasons we might cross the road."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"News of an exhibition by our martial arts master, Chick Norris."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"A boycott of the Beatles - I just found out 'Yesterday' was originally  titled 'Scrambled Eggs.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Fundraiser for Henrietta's medical expenses following her eggtopic  pregnancy."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Proof that the chicken came first. Plus I threw in the formula for Coke."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"These are the disturbing facts as to why everything tastes like chicken."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"A petition against the Poultry Care Act's single layer provision."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"A petition to have Henny Youngman featured on a postage stamp."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Poultry in Motion: a march to protest cows advocating to 'Eat Mor Chikin.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"The truth behind the Tarzan series, by Egger Rice Burroughs."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Come to the show and watch Rooster Cogburn deliver another clutch performance."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I don't care why you crossed the road! I'm your lawyer. You want to stay out of jail, you tell the judge THIS!"
Jim Patterson, Stokesdale
 
Yes sir- as you can see -I have my free range papers
Bill Alvino
 
I'm pretty sure that this caption won't make it, but here it is:
"Here at Chick-Fi-Let, we want to make sure that the chickens that we serve are members of traditional familys, that is, made up of a hen and a rooster, and we ask about it on our applications."
Larry Kirwan.
 
Are you coming to the sunrise breakfast ?
It reads like chicken stratch, enjoy !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Lab results are in – you have high cholesterol.
Results are in! The egg came first.
You did an eggcellent job on your term paper.
Have you seen this missing fryer?
Will you sign this “Eat More Beef” petition?
Your stockbroker says your nest egg is gone.
Why are there chicken nuggets on this menu?
Robert Wurz, Stokesdale
 
The special tonight is deep fried people. Do you prefer an arm or a leg?
The necks and livers aren't that good. People's necks are too large and
the livers are mostly damaged..
Clarice Bryant
 
"You're not on the menu."
Ron Wachs
 
" You are safe again. You're not on the menu."
Ron Wachs, Siler City
 
Orders just in from the Head Rooster, "Production Quotas must double, Easter just around the corner"
Bill Burns
 
"It's about my 'EAT MORE BEEF' campaign"
Hal Koger, McLeansville
 
Don't be chicken, take one.
Les Thomas, Sterling VA
 
"Here's the target list. The Primary is Chick-fil-a, Secondary is Bojangles, Tertiary is KFC. We strike at oh-dark-thirty."
David Nelson, Greensboro
 
My eggs have been missing since Easter!
Tim Tribbett
 
*"Here's the list of Hens that missed Roll Call"
Joseph Wilkerson
 
"Here is next weeks order for colored eggs!"
Lynn Beeson, Greensboro
 
" My order is complete.. 14 dozen multi color eggs delivered"
Corbin Beeson, Greensboro
 
"It's my theory that we are responsible for ourselves. I call it  eggistentialism."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Chicken Little was an optimist! Check this data on the ozone layer."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
It's a Hen Party!
Glenda Layton, Carthage
 
It's a petition against Perdue.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
"This menu is not for the faint of heart. They say omelette; I say genocide."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
It's a late Valentine's Day card.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
It's a warrant. You're wanted for the next family dinner.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
"Submit your egg report by Monday. And don't just wing it."
Diane Summerville, Greensboro
 
"Nice report, Eggbert, but you need to cut the fowl language."
"Have you heard the good news of Jesus Chrisp?" (Yeah, I know it's the bible belt but thought you'd at least get a laugh out of this one.)
Alex Jakubsen, Greensboro/Chapel Hill
 
"This is your last chance. Don't cluck this up."
Ross Jakubsen, Greensboro
 
" This is the list of Hens that missed Roll-Call"
Joseph Wilkerson, Greensboro
 
Barnyard Bureaucracy: "Little, I'm gonna need your report on the sky falling in triplicate."
Diane Summerville, Greensboro
 
"Help us get the word out. We have to let humans know to Eat Mor Cowz."
Gary Fowler, Jamestown
 
"Diversify!  Diversify!  Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Elizabeth Edmonds
 
"Yeah, I know our paper is blank. It's more of an 'eggsistential' publication."
Jamie Herring, Greensboro
 
We're making a list for late-night TV: top-ten reasons to cross the road.
Chip Potter, Greensboro
 
"...to get to the other side?"
Carole Potter, Greensboro
 
McNuggets are CHiCKEN! Spread the word!
Tim Tribbett
 
All the news that's fit to poop on.
Tim Tribbett
 
We don't call them flyers. That's a sore subject!
Tim Tribbett
 
Interested in a timeshare coop?
Tim Tribbett
 
Here's my retraction on that whole "sky is falling" thing.
Tim Tribbett
 
Here's my "Eat mor Kow" flyer.
Tim Tribbett
 
"Bad News. The egg really did come first."
Danny Roberts, Thomasville
 
"There is no yard sale. Now put these up on telephone poles all over town."
Ken Logwood, High Point
 
Tonight's meeting is across the street.
Bob Strack
 
The flyer the chicken is handing out says, "FIGHT BACK!  EAT MO' COW!!!"
Butch Lovell, Greensboro
 
"We'll occupy Bur-Mil Park until they stop the pagan ritual of Easter egg hunts."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"We'll need blue eggs from you so here's what you'll need to take."
"We know the egg stealing varmint hippity hops down this bunny trail."
"There's no reason you can't be turning in Grade A work."
"Some of your chicken scratch is getting dangerously close to being legible."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
It's the early morning edition of JOU
It is a prospectus for an idea I hatched.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
Dude, loose the comb-over
This is a petition to start "Occupy Henhouse"
It is a petition to ban Cadbury Eggs
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
I know it's blank - practice your henmanship!
It says 'Eet mor bif'.
So you don't think Easter egg hunts demean us chickens?
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
1. Scratch off on the dotted line!
2. This is a petition for Farmer Dell to insure safety in our working coop!
3. This is our contract to lay cholesteral free eggs!
4. Our demands... better grain, coop music, clucking rights, warm beds and the right to keep a few chicks each year!
5. Our farmer is demanding more eggs or else hens will be laid off or worst running around with their heads chopped off!
Nancy Nelson
 
"Charlie, here's your pick slip...go down to KFC for your bucket fitting."
Mike Parsons, Bethlehem, PA
 
I've read it twice. I still don't know who came first.
Jesse cross, Jamestown
 
We're taking a vote. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Brenda A. Martin
 
Our new jingle airs tonight:
Be kind to the sow
And save the peeps
Look for the cow
And eat more meats
Ronnie Mills, Greensboro
 
Playoffs? We are currently tied for 3rd with the Eggs!
Our investment in Humpty Dumpty Inc is falling fast
We have 10,000 signatures for the crossover on Tailfeathers Road.
Ronnie Mills, Greensboro
 
I know! But chickens can't read anyway!
Mike Perry
 
After today, no more home delivery. You'll have to cross the road!
Mike Perry
 
We're trying a new angle. "Eat mor ungulates" didn't work!
Mike Perry
 
"Chicken is the Word" is too offensive. To be more PC, the gov't changed it to "Bird is the Word," sung
by some stutterer. Here'e the lyrics.
Mike Perry
 
Invitation to a barbeque, and the guest of honor is your neighbor- Angus!
Mike Perry
 
Our losses were huge. I do not think Francis Marion was a good choice.
Ronnie Mills
 
Extra! Extra! Read all about it- Local chicken wins Pulletsurprise!
Mike Perry
 
" Here are your instructions on how to cross the road."
" Here is the Colonel's secret recipe. Destroy it."
" Congratulations on receiving this diploma for Henpecking 101."
" This document will allow you to get your hen's teeth."
" Here is your speeding ticket. Next time don't fly so fast."
" Here is your portfolio. Next time don't put all your eggs in one basket."
" You got egg on your face on this exam."
" Take 2 worms and cluck me in the morning."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown
 
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Local sets world record for laying biggest egg. Funeral on Wednesday!
Mike Perry
 
Extra! DNA found for 75 mph 3 legged chicken. Burger King folds advertising campaign!
Mike Perry
 
Extra! Hung chicken found! Hens go crazy!
Mike Perry
 
These are the minutes of our executive board meeting of January 6, 2012.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Here are the Easter quotas. Get back to your nest."
Gordon McLamb, Greensboro
 
News flash! The price of beef just went up.
Laurence Doby, Burlington
 
"Some fliers saying to eat more cow."
"Here are some scratch pads for you."
"The Easter chicken came before the Easter egg, here's your quota, get busy."
Phil Valla, Greensboro
 
You have been served? If you don't show up, you will be served.
From: Helen Greene, Biscoe
 
This is your mission, should you accept and fail it will be the frying pan for you.
For 1 buck you can find out why the chicken crossed the road,
I am a Chicken Cop, you are to appear in court on Monday for stealing corn.
Its from "Rooster Cogging", you two got something going?
This is a petition to ban chicken hawks, please sign.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
This is a new recipe for hamburgers, eat more beef.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
1. It's a petition to stop the Chicken Cops.
2. Help us stop the Chicken Cops.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro
 
1. The bank is foreclosing on the hen house.
2. We overproduced eggs for Easter so we're downsizing on the rooster staff. Sorry.
3. The hens no longer need your services.
4. It's a new city ordinance. No crowing before 7:00 AM.
5. It's our annual caucus for "Hen of the Year". I'm supporting Henny Penny.
6. I'd appreciate your vote for Henny Penny as cutest hen in the house.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
"I don't know how the Easter Bunny got into the egg business ,I just know that we're busy this time of the year."
Ray Faust, Greensboro
 
"Notice on the application that KFC only offers temporary employment."
Hale Carpenter, Greensboro
 
1.) Work from your hen house. Earn big money!
2) I'll buy your chicken coop no matter how much you owe!
3.) Come see my one chicken performance of "Rent"!
4.) Come to Crazy Chicken's Crazy Corn sale. Our prices are Crazy!
Tim Tribbett, G'boro
 
My retraction on that whole"sky is falling" thing.
Tim Tribbett
 
Safety tips for crossing the road.
Tim Tribbett
 
Can I interest you in a timeshare vacation coop?
Tim Tribbett
 
Our prices are chicken feed.
Tim Tribbett
 
Would you care to donate to "Chickens Without Heads"?
Tim Tribbett
 
Here's your ballot for the Noble Prize. It's not like the famous ones from Oslo and Stockholm, but we think it's pretty dignified.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
We're selling chicken feed for chicken feed!
Tim Tribbett
 
This is your assignment for the "eat more beef" campaign.
Randy Shelton, Greensboro
 
She's been missing since the colonel came to town.
All the news that's fit to cackle about.
She died trying to lay it on the line.
Here's the list of all the newly hatched.
It's a tribute to those who didn't make it across the road last week.
Arista Shelton, Greensboro
 
Let's hope this "Occupy KFC" rally goes better than the last!
Tim Tribbett
 
You have been served and must report to Perdue at 4am on Monday.
NOoooooooooooooooo. I knew this day would come.
Helen Greene, Biscoe
 
"Read this, it will answer all your questions on what came first the chicken or the egg"
"If you vote for me I will close all Chick-fil-as"
"Wanted Dead or alive the Easter Bunny for taking all of our Eggs"
Ronnie Sydell, Greensboro
 
Have you seen the golden egg ? It's missing !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Now, on line five, you need to print your chicken scratch."
"Mr. Clark, with this grade you move to the top of the pecking order."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
1. “Here are 100 reasons to cross the street.”
2. “Hope you can read my chicken scratch.”
3. “They’re having an early bird special at Farmer Jones’ tree stump.”
4. “It’s my theory on why we taste like chicken.”
5. “They told me to hand out these flyers - I was too chicken to say no.”
6. “Don’t panic, but you’re listed on this menu.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"Your deportation papers"
Matthew Thekkekandam, High Point
 
Sorry if you can't read my chicken scratch.
Here's your enlistment papers, report to Colonel Sanders.
Spread the word, eat more cow.
As you read our brochure, ask yourself, "am I a happy chicken."
Read all about it. Police suspect "fowl" play at meat packing plant.
David Core, Greensboro
 
Write down your favorite recipe and DON’T write your name at the bottom.
Andee Gable, Greensboro
 
Here's the new pecking order.
Tim Tribbett
 
It takes a while when you have to hunt and peck.
Tim Tribbett
 
Hey, how many chick scout cookies can I put ya down for?
Tim Tribbett
 
Our prices are something to crow about!
Tim Tribbett
 
Can you read this chicken scratch?
Here are the organ donor forms for both Bojangles and Chick-fil-A.
It?s from the EPA, they want us to lay pre-decorated eggs for Easter this year.
Here?s the latest corporate pecking order.
Instructions on how to lay a golden egg.
They told me to distribute to all my peeps.
It basically says just wing it.
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
"Would you take this across the road for me, please?"
Darrel Wells
 
List ten reasons on why you might want to cross the road.
This is classified, so don’t say a peep about it.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
It’s in your contract, double production for easter.
You expect me to read this chicken scratch?
Fill out this application, list all previous eggsperience.
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
You drew the short straw - You need to get these priests up for Sunrise Service this Sunday.
The "Yolk's on You."
You've been recalled - It is an election year, you know.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, April 6, 2012 at 2:33 pm

March 29, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 033012

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 040512
 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
Some hilarious entries had to be cut as being just a wee-bit adult. (We have kids reading too, you know.)
More diverting puzzles for you below from contributor Monty Kivett. Enjoy!
 

Follow Brewster Rockit Tweets here at twitter.com/brewsterrockit 

Also Follow Brewster Rockit here on Facebook

 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

 
WINNER
"He was lucky he found a lug donor."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
RUNNER-UPS
I heard she had more than her tires rotated if you know what I mean.
Les Thomas, Sterling VA
 
"Hey, check out the body on the redhead"
David Durham, Greensboro
 
Now, you know she's had some work done.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
She got her tramp stamp bumper sticker removed.
Tim Tribbett
 
“Hey! Didn’t we meet at the intersection of Market and Elm Street?
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"Don't you think she's a little old to be wearing red?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Man, does she looked buffed!"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Great face lift! He looks 25,000 miles younger.  
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
JR. WINNER
Wow, he's way more handsome than last time we met.
J.T., Frazier
 
JR. RUNNER-UP
Are you single, or do you already have a passenger?
Denisea, Bessemer
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
"I think she's been getting Bondo injections."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"Wanna have some fun? Yell 'SHOPPING CART!' as loud as you can!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Is it just me, or does her grille look a little 'perkier' than when she went in?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
After she flew off that cliff, I didn't think they'd EVER be able to get her fixed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Actually, Ken, I was waiting for this one from you.
 
Isn’t he the one that flew off a cliff just a few weeks ago.
Monty Kivett
 
"Hey! Isn't that the same guy who flew off the cliff last month? Only in cartoons!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Not bad after surviving that fall from the cliff!
Mike Perry
And, obviously, Ken wasn’t the only one.
 
"What a makeover! He looks tougher than an angry badger on a stick!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I wanna tell ya, Rickard is such a bad driver, every tenth trip he gets a freebie.
Mike Perry
 
Rickard is such a bad driver, they're going to bronze the next one!
Mike Perry
 
"Okay, Tim, you know that much window tint is illegal!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Uh oh! They left off his pupils.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
Hey look! That my mother, the car!
Mike Perry
Wow. You really pulled that one out of the attic.
 
That's not your typical Pixar look!
Mike Perry
 
"God, I love the smell of fresh paint in the morning!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
BEST/WORST PUN
Do they take Blue Cross and Windshield?
Tim Tribbett(for the bad pun section)
 
Hey, that's the car where the guy lost his left leg and left arm. But I heard he was alright now!
Mike Perry
 
"She's now the grill of my dreams."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Snail goes to a body shop to get an S on his Hood. When asked why, he says
"So people will see me and say 'Look at that S car go!' "
Mike Perry
 
BEST POEMS
You can take that old rusty heap
And give it a fresh coat of paint.
It'll shine just like a new penny
And look like something it ain't.
Even though it probably should have been scrap
You sell it for hundreds to some poor clueless sap.
If he knew the whole story, he'd faint!
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
The red sports car is feeling quite sassy.
Makes the other cars eyes look so glassy.
     All those stares she deserves
     'Cause she's got the right curves.
They agree that she's got a nice chassis.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
 -----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Frazier
Simone: See! That's what the shop does to your body.
Li'l Mama: They fixed you all up from when you drove off the cliff.
Ayanna: You might want to go back inside the body shop.
Miranda: Looks like he didn't make it.
Pete: How did you get so clean? This is the body shop, not a car wash.
Matt C.: NEYES 2 C U.
Azzam: Hey, I'm next so beat it and never, ever, ever come back! Hear me?
Zayir: Wow! I thought you'd be dead by now.
Mahogany D.: I've already had enough of my mom's homemade gasoline. I'm gassy, so just give me some oil.
Jami'el: Who fixed you? It was hard work wrecking you!
J.T.: Wow, he's way more handsome than last time we met.
Louai: Rrrrr. I need gasoline. AHHHH. That feels good.
Pretty'n'Pink: Hey, we should get a hood job.
Chase: Can you SEE?
Brandon P.: Hey, he turned to stone.
-----------
Bessemer
Destiny B.: Why are you in this place? What have you got? The engine runs.
Denisea: Are you single, or do you already have a passenger?
Linda N.: Do you think he's alive?
Bo: I ring him up every ten seconds to say, "I I I looove you."
I.K.S.: Christina, that car is smokin'!
Chicka: Her face is as pretty as a GPS.
-----------
THE REST
Hubba Hubba!
Mike Perry
 
Look at the headlights on that one.
Mike Perry
 
It's amazing what a nip here and a tuck there can do!
Mike Perry
 
This may sound catty, but aren't those tires overinflated?
It's still cheaper than a plastic surgeon, but just barely.
The old gal requires more upkeep than a woman who dyes her hair.
Want to place bets on whether there are fingerprints on her rear bumper?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
No more tramp stamp bumper sticker!
Tim Tribbett
 
LOOK! It's Lazarus!
Mike Perry
I liked this one.
 
Now, you know she's had some work done.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
That's not your typical Pixar look!
Mike Perry
 
"Is it just me, or does her grille look a little 'perkier' than when she went in?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I dunno. Not so much American Graffitish, more like..Mad Maxish!
Mike Perry
 
"I swear, I don't remember her headlights being that big before!"
Terry Christensen
 
"Oh sure, she looks great. But, between you and me, the lights are on but nobody's driving!"
Terry Christensen
 
"I told you that Cars.com picture was 'BodyShopped'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"God, I love the smell of fresh paint in the morning!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Don't you think she's a little old to be wearing red?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"She's still got a little shimmy in her rear end, but personally, I kinda like that!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, Tim, you know that much window tint is illegal!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"New look....same old chassis!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Who's she trying to fool? Her odometer has rolled over more times than an insomniac!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Maybe I should try that. Lately my life just lacks 'lustre'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Maybe there's something to this place. See how 'buffed' he looks!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey! Isn't that the same guy who flew off the cliff last month? Only in cartoons!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I've got a few dings I'd like to take care of, but I'm not sure they're covered under my 'dental' plan."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Yeah, I took her out once. It didn't work out. She wouldn't show me her 'CARFAX'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"What a makeover! He looks tougher than an angry badger on a stick!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Not bad after surviving that fall from the cliff!
Mike Perry
 
"He swears he's overcome his self-destructive tendencies. No more Demolition Derby for him!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Wanna have some fun? Yell 'SHOPPING CART!' as loud as you can!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Oh look, she thinks she all that now!
Meschell Wilson, Greensboro
 
"And.... there's the flock of birds, right on cue!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Just a little detailing, my sweet axle! You know she used to be a four door!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I heard it was more like a little nip, tuck 'n' roll on the seat, if you get my drift!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"She looks good on the outside, but there's still some 'junk in the trunk'!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
1) Gas prices are going so high, they just retro fit her with solar panels!
2) Boy! I hope I get a body like that!
3) Look at that!  She had a hood lift!! 
Stephanie Apple, Greensboro, NC
 
Come on. We're going to a different body shop. They blinded him!
Sally Shank, Greensboro
 
It's like watching Michael Jackson leave his plastic surgeon's office.
I'd still say her rear end's too big.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Can you believe all the work she has had done?
Jerry Kidd, Greensboro
 
Hey, Bobby, got a new look from the body shop?
Nathyn Hoffman
 
After she flew off that cliff, I didn't think they'd EVER be able to get her fixed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Hey, I can’t see you, they washed my sockets off my face!
Schubetown
 
What a hood-lift! She looks twenty model-years younger.
Dan McLaurin, Greensboro
 
WOW look at the number they did on her chassi
Ray Williams, Browns Summit
 
"hey, check out the body on the redhead"
David Durham, Greensboro
 
She looks really good, and I don't mean to gossip, but did you hear what she did to her rear end?
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
If you think that is an improvement you should see her front struts!
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
Look's like someone is trying to get in shape before our beach trip, doesn't it ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Now I wish I'd taken those before and after photos !
Amazing what a few nips and tucks can do, isn't it ?
They don't call him Crash for nothing you know !
Glad to see he's shed a few pounds off his rear end !
Your son is looking more and more like you everyday !
After seeing the results, maybe we ought to start body building too !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Where's his seeing-eye car?
Sally Shank, Greensboro
 
"Believe me, this is not the first time she's had work done."
Claygardner
 
"For that kind of money, you'd think he would have had them fix that gap in his teeth."
Jim Patterson, Stokesdale
 
Nice bumperplasty!
Tim Tribbett
 
We'll call him Bondo, James Bondo.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"She's now the grill of my dreams."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Guess it's time for my makeover ... gingers rule!"
Pat Kelley, Badin Lake
 
"Whoa! Looking like a million bucks right down to her hubba, hubba, hubba caps."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Rats! Looks like that first impression I made buffed right out."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Looks like our little baby got your coloring!"
Pat Kelley, Badin Lake
                                                              
"I think I just buried my tachometer needle in the red!"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Man, does she looked buffed!"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Guess it's time for my makeover ... redheads rule!"
Pat KelleyBadin Lake
 
"Guess it's time for my makeover ... gingers rule!"
 Pat Kelley, Badin Lake
                                                                                                                          
He's gone thru hail and back!
Tim Tribbett
 
His owner is a crash test dummy.
Tim Tribbett
 
"Metal chassis, bio-organic exterior - so they used Botox instead of Bondo."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Do they take Blue Cross and Windshield?
Tim Tribbett(for the bad pun section)
 
Did you get our car deodorizer get well bouquet?
Tim Tribbett
 
Wow! Is that Mable? Geez, she could do one of those 'ugly duckling' Springer shows!
Mike Perry
 
Is that... no, it can't be! Joan Rivers?
Mike Perry
 
 Snail goes to a body shop to get an S on his Hood. When asked why, he says
"So people will see me and say 'Look at that S car go!' "
Mike Perry
 
"Looks like someone had a headlight reduction."
Phil Valla, Greensboro
 
Just wait, he'll be a total wreck when he sees the bill !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Huh, still looks like damaged goods to me !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Nothing like a full body massage to make you feel alive again !
Wonder if he signed up to be an organ donor while he was in ?
You always said he cleans up pretty well, didn't you ?
I can still see a little scar, don't you ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
His body might be healed, but I bet there are still some emotional scars !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
No way that's Joe, it must be an early April's Fool !
Frank C. Leonard
 
“Ummmmmm......she’s got a trunk on her.”
“I told you she had some work done.”
“I hear she’s not working on all four cylinders.”
“She would look good in a jeep bikini top.”
“I just had to tell grandpaw, ‘If you live long enough, you will get a leaky hose.’ “
“I think I look good without a body shop.”
Rosy Jenkins, Greensboro
                                                                                                                                                                
She still has junk in the trunk.
Tim Tribbett
 
Her owner likes to text while driving.
Tim Tribbett
 
Now that's what I call auto-eroticism!
You look good in red.
Whow! You've had a body lift.
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
He coulda had a V8!
Tim Tribbett
 
The sight of oil makes me pass out.
Tim Tribbett
 
Darn grocery carts!
Tim Tribbett
 
1.I saw him before he went in. He's out for blood.
2.He'll be fine after he has a nip of the hair of the dog that bit him.
3.I came in for blue tooth but that's so much cooler!
4.I feel sorry for who ever gets up in his grill!
5.He's a huge Twilight fan.
6.Just listen to that engine roar!
Ella McClellan Greensboro
 
OMG! I thought Pacer's were extinct!
Mike Perry
 
I just remembered. Gotta take my wife to the chiropractor!
Mike Perry
 
I guess he'll have to update his facebook now!
Mike Perry
 
Wow, just think! New passport, driver's license, employee ID badge, facebook page,....
Mike Perry
 
It's official - North Carolina is going "Red" in 2012.
I thought that the paint company was 'in the red' not 'into red.'
He was a Reagan Democrat.
VW: The new paint color Bugs me.
I see red people 
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
"Yeah, she has a great body all right, but I wonder if those headlights are real."
Dea Aune, Greensboro
 
1. Does his girlfriend know that he switched her cute, red Beetle for a sportier one ?
2. See what 3.75 a gallon can do to you.... you'll end up buying THAT CAR.!!!!
3. Everytime I look at that car, I keep hearing JLo's commercial in my dashboard.
4. I wonder if there is enough room for four, 6ft 6in basketball players. 
Regina Williams, High Point
 
"Somebody's had work done."
"Check out the bumper on that one!"
"I like the rear view."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
1.) That new botox paint does wonders on dents!
2.) Take it easy until the welds heal.
Tim Tribbett
 
He lives near a baseball field.
Tim Tribbett
 
1.)He had Howard Stern removed from his satellite radio.
2.) Over inflated tires just don't look natural.
Tim Tribbett
 
Geez, are they working on Joan Rivers' car AGAIN?!
Tim Tribbett
 
She got her tramp stamp bumper sticker removed.
Tim Tribbett
 
I told you they were good. That used to be a Model T!
Tim Tribbett
 
Looks like Ms. Rivers car had another front bumper lift.
Andee Gable, Greensboro
 
Hey look! That my mother, the car!
Mike Perry
 
Earl Scheib said he did her for $39.95!
I heard you can get that for $39.95
Yeah, I hit that.
I heard she had more than her tires rotated if you know what I mean.
Nice wheels! I hate it when they go too big.
She can keep her spare in my trunk anytime!
I hear she didn't even have to pay a deductible.
Damaged ? I could hear them banging on her all night long.
Yup, they do great work here . . . she went in as an Edsel.
Les Thomas, Sterling VA
 
...... "You CANNOT tell me those headlights are real glass!"
Don Davis
 
The GPS drove him over the edge.
That diet really worked, she used to a SUV.
Henry, Greensboro
 
Isn't it amazing now paint and putty can hide wrinkles?
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
"Hey,check out the grille on the one coming out now."
Ray Faust, Greensboro
 
Wonder if her insurance is going to cover all this ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Jeepers, creepers, why did you get those new peepers ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I told you they weren't real.
Stephen W. Botts, Greensboro
 
That reminds me; I have an appointment with the dermatologist!
Mike Perry
 
Silicon, plastic, gel, fiberglass; underneath, they're all the same!
Mike Perry
 
Put lipstick and rouge on a pig, its still a pig.
Mike Perry
 
"The dent is gone, but he's ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL !!"
Ken Logwood, High Point
 
1. He just had a "car-tune" up.
2. Great face lift! He looks 25,000 miles younger.  
3. Uh oh! They left off his pupils.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
"I liked her better in blue."
"WOW," Check the head lights on that new body."
" That was some recall. She will never be the same again."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
1. “Who does she think she’s kidding with that buff job?”
2. “Hey! Didn’t we meet at the intersection of Market and Elm Street?”
3. “Did you see all those car parts hanging off the wall? I nearly puked my transmission out.”
4. “Buffy comes here all the time.”
5. “Some strange little gecko is after me – mind if I crash at your place tonight?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"They said he would never roll again."
"He was lucky he found a lug donor."
"Twice he was pronounced totaled by the shop foreman."
"I hear he's been working out on the frame machine."
"I'm telling you, that's not her real bumper."
"I think she's been getting Bondo injections."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"She looks naked without her fender skirts."
"She is not as sexy without her fender skirts."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
Check out those high beams.
I'd like to meet the lucky guy that rear ended her.
She's much better when her tops off.
David Core, Greensboro
 
Oh that reminds me, Wanta comeover and watch all 7 seasons of Baywatch?
Mike Perry
 
" They forgot to do the eyes . "
" She's mine, all mine, Blueboy. "
" She just went in for a little touch up. "
" And they said she was totalled."
" OK. Are we ready to do some off-road ?"
" Back up. Back up. It's going to rain."
" I bet this is going to put me back to my last red cent."
" Roses are red, violets are blue..."
" So have you been in your last demolition derby ?"
" The other guy didn't make it here."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown
 
Really?   You oughta see her birthday cake the.  It looks like a prairie fire!
Mike Perry
 
She can park in my garage any time she wants to.
That's the third face lift she has had this year.
She has had more face lifts than Joan Rivers.
Its amazing what a little paint and a pair of bumpers can do for a lady.
Don Rankin, Greenssboro
 
I wanna tell ya, Rickard is such a bad driver, every tenth trip he gets a freebie.
Mike Perry
 
Rickard is such a bad driver, they're going to bronze the next one!
Mike Perry
 
Hey, that's the car where the guy lost his left leg and left arm. But I heard he was alright now!
Mike Perry
 
Cosmetic surgery is marvelous
Ken Layton, Carthage
Posted by Tim Rickard on Thursday, March 29, 2012 at 6:52 pm

March 22, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 032312

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 032912

 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
Several of you added a note to your captions about how much you enjoy this feature. Thanks so much!
And below: Some diverting puzzles for you from contributor Monty Kivett. Enjoy!

 

Follow Brewster Rockit Tweets here at twitter.com/brewsterrockit

 

Also Follow Brewster Rockit here on Facebook

 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

 

WINNER
I sure hope the golf ball knows he is driving!
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
RUNNER-UPS
“Let’s keep a low profile; I don’t need any trouble from the bouncer.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"One more is going to put me in the double bonus."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
C'mon! I'm a basketball! We like shots!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Why does everyone call me Wilson?
Mike Perry
 
"Okay guys, we've gotta figure out a way to get Billy off that stinkin' PS3!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Come on guys, is this really your idea of a final four ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Bartender! Could we get some straws ??"
Ken Logwood, High Point
 
“So I finally say to her, ‘The ball’s in your court.’ “
Rosy Jenkins, Greensboro
 
JR. WINNER
We should head to the sports bar.
William, Triangle Lake
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
Brandon P.: Hey!! We're supposed to be at the game!
Frazier
 
I think we're being bounced.
Taha, Triangle Lake
 
You look so good. Look at me. I have lines all over my face.
Chicka, Bessemer
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
"Okay, I'll use a tissue the next time I pick and roll."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
The bartender thinks I'd make a good bouncer.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Did you ever have one of those days, when you feel deflated and it's just hard to bounce back?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
“You think you’ve had it tough – I went to high school with Curly Neal.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
The bartender said no charging!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Hey, at least I'M in the OLYMPICS!"
David Roberts, Asheboro
 
"Not sure I can drink this without dribbling."
Phil Valla, Greensboro
 
One more of these and you will have to roll me outta here!
Steve Nance, Gibsonville
 
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I went to a shrink three years ago, but that madness is back again.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Your memory is down-right scary
 
"Hey Tim, next time I'd prefer an Appletini, okay?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Sure Tim, put cold brews in front of us and then don't give us any arms! NICE!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey Rickard! This better not be a dribble glass, funny guy!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I'm pickin first, and I'm pickin Bucky the Robot.
Marcia Minsky, Communications Officer, The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan Club., Camarillo, CA
 
Hey Rickard! It's basketball season, not golf, not football, not lacrosse, not foosball. Get rid of these other idiots! Geez!
Mike Perry
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
WILSON!!!!
David Core, Greensboro
 
Why does everyone call me Wilson?
Mike Perry
 
A toast to our castaway comrade, Wilson.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
BEST/WORST PUN
 None? Again.
 
BEST POEMS
The sad basketball had to exclaim,
"My wife thinks that my job is so lame.
    She said I cannot be
    Taken seriously.
Well, you can't when your life is a game."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Four Jocks were having a brew,
A lot of bragging about what they could do.
The basketball said we have the final four,
No need for me to say any more.
The golf ball said we have a hole in one.
Now let me see you get that done.
The baseball said I can hit a home run.
Nothing you can do is more fun.
The football said I can run pass and score a touchdown
No better sport that can be found.
The bartender said you all are high,
Won't be long till we hear a lie.
Good night.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
Not long ago, children used to have fun
By going outside to play in the sun.
    They would throw a ball, instead of a fit.
    They would run like the wind, instead of just sit.
Now, the only things 'fit' are their thumbs.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Roy and K both make such a racket,
When their players can't make a basket.
    But the worst of all
    Is being the ball,
And by week two they've busted my bracket!
Mike Perry
 
BEST CAPTION TO THE WRONG CARTOON
I sent this entry to the wrong caption contest.
Should have been to the Charlotte Observer.
Please ignore the entry.
Planet of the Dogs starring ....
Where ALL politicians should be kept.
Henry, Greensboro
Wait … You’re seeing another caption contest on the side? Henry, how COULD you …
What’s that? The other contest means nothing to you? Well … OK, we forgive you …
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
 -----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Frazier
J.T.: I get bounced all over a floor... a very, VERY dirty floor.
Jami'el: I'm so glad those gamces are over...they kept hitting my face on the floor.
Chase: I can't believe football got all THAT famous. WHY?
Pretty'n'Pink: Do you get phone service on the field?
Mahogany: I believe my mother was a Premium Limited Edition, but when I was a kid, I rolled away.
Louai: Dd you get stitches?
Brandon P.: Hey!! We're supposed to be at the game!
-----------
Triangle Lake Montessori
Angela: Aw, man, now I have a headache from those people bouncing me around, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.
Matthew: I thought we were nonalcoholics.
Kalani: We don't have hands, bub.
Joe: That's my brother, Tony, on the TV. Dude, that slam dunk had to hurt.
J. Kate: What's everybody looking at? I just have stretch marks.
Tom: March, March, it's driving me mad.
Gretchen: So, I was like, throw those pom poms in the air.
Madison: Oh, man, I am missing the pretty cheerleaders at the ACC Tournament.
Courtney: It's so hot in here, or is it just me?
Jade: Can you believe I got swatted by Michael? I thought we were friends.
Chloe: Hey, waiter, get your tush over here.
Z-Man: Why are we all bald?
T.M.: Hey, golf ball, you look like a meatball.
Cullen: March Madness is making me mad.
Tre: Hey, look, an airball.
Zahabia: It's too bad you guys get hit and get bruises. We only get hurt if we mess with people.
K.A.B.: I hate this beverage. I demand a discount.
Taha: I think we're being bounced.
R.A.C.: This root beer tasted like the ACC floor.
William: We should head to the sports bar.
Jordan: Who ate my burrito?
Camryn: Golfy, over here, had Tiger Woods today.
-----------
Bessemer
I.K.S.: Hey, why didn't Carolina get the game-winning shot?
Chicka: You look so good. Look at me. I have lines all over my face.
Bo: There's too much foam on my root beer, man.
-----------
THE REST
"Okay guys, we've gotta figure out a way to get Billy off that stinkin' PS3!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I don't know why they call it a 'Wheeee'. It's no fun for me!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I tried to get Pierre to come, but he can be such a puck, especially during hockey season!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I don't think I can drink another one, guys. I came in here with a full bladder!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I'm SO lonely! I can't remember the last time someone just held me."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I don't know about you guys, but I hate NASCAR!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Did you ever have one of those days, when you feel deflated and it's just hard to bounce back?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey Titleist, I hope you brought along a designated driver!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Bartender ! Could we get some straws ??"
Ken Logwood, High Point
 
"Hey Tim, next time I'd prefer an Appletini, okay?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Nothing like a beer chaser after a shot.....especially a three-pointer!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"What a life! If you aren't getting slammed or kicked, they're hitting you with a bat or a club!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"All I ever wanted was to be a girls beach volleyball. But, NOOOO!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You know, it's true what they say. Life IS just a silly game!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Sure Tim, put cold brews in front of us and then don't give us any arms! NICE!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Sorry I smell all sweaty! I didn't have time to shower after the game."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
I even got polished for this!
Green and thirsty let's goL
Sports, beverages and St. Patty's Day - Hip Hip Hurray!
I told you the green beer holds the attraction, the win is in our hands!
Equal representation my eye? Where's the tennis racquet? I told you he be mad and leave. You should've invited him to join us!
Running into him is never a good idea.
Too many sports, too little time.
I told you the green beer would be the attraction, wonder why the tennis racquet and pool ball aren't here?
I heard one drink before we are touched will calm our nerves.
I am hoping John Isner makes the top ten!
Green and thirsty, let's go.
I heard one drink of green and the ball is in our court!
Peggy Koppel, Greensboro
 
"Who's buying at this sports bar?"
 Brad Howes, Greensboro
 
"Ok, so you just had to come to a sports bar! Now what?"
John Maggio
 
If I had just bounced left, I d be in the trophy case not the practice bin
Sam Gordon, Jamestown
 
"Help me with this will ya, fellas? I'm afraid I'm gonna double dribble. This madness is making me a nervous wreck!"
Kimberly R. Wood, Eden
 
"I just had to get away. This 'March Madness' thing is turning me into a basket case!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Yeah, I took a high bounce off the rim and just never came down. Do you think they'll notice I'm gone?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey Rickard! This better not be a dribble glass, funny guy!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Man, I am pooped! I need a place to lay-up for a while until I can rebound!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You guys have no idea what it's like to be cooped up inside all day, just waiting for that quittin' time whistle!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"so I say to him....who the PUCK do you think you are?!"
Jeff Rosen. Greensboro
 
After this one lets bounce.
One more of these and you will have to roll me outta here!
Slow down or you are going to get us bounced out of here!
Steve Nance, Gibsonville
 
"...and that's why it should be March 'Sadness.'"
David Pegg,Greensboro
                                                  
 “Do they really think one size fits ball?”
A cold beer seems to help when you feel deflated.
So what did you think.....a charge or a block?
I know it’s March Madness, but I just can’t get pumped up this year.
 “So I finally say to her, ‘ The ball’s in your court.’ “
If we hold out one season, fans will finally see our real value.
Who told you that the ladies like leather?
Rosy Jenkins, Greensboro
 
"Yeah, I was in love with a medicine ball. Everything was fine until I made a comment about her weight."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Sure...you two have those macho stitches and the little guy has those cute dimples. What have I got?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
You may want to lower your esteem along with our stats...
Jackie, Greensboro
 
"I don't think it would bother me so much to lose if I didn't get so 'pumped up' before the game.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I feel so used! One minute they have their hands all over you and the next they're passing you off to someone else!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
1) As we can see, if we analyze the business trends of Ms. Cleo.
2) Gentlemen, this chart shows the popularity trending of Mr. Pee Wee Herman.
3) I have bad news about your 401Ks, gentlemen.
4) As you can see, when we move into 2008.
5) As we can see, if we analyze the performance of the 2011 Atlanta Braves.
6) I have compiled historical data showing the sanity levels of Mr. Sheen over the last few years.
7) If we analyze the popularity trends of American Idol, we can plainly see that.
8) Have any of you guys considered a career in food service?
9) This chart shows the number of people on our staff who do NOT wear glasses.
10) Without further ado, I give you FoxNews' projections of president Obama's approval ratings.
Eli Oklesh, Phoenix, AZ
 
So is he gonna give us straws or what!
Chrystal Neal, High Point
 
"she said I was nothing but an overdunked drunk and then she bounced me out of the house.."
Rick McDonnell, Greensboro
 
Come on guys, is this really your idea of a final four ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Really guys, truth is, I don't care who wins !
Why do I always have to be the designated driver ?
Tips & taps, that's what wins the game for me, guys !
Time to loosen our stitches, don't you think ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I'm not rooting for them, even if they do serve us free root beer !
But I can't drive the lane well after having a few !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Look at this- beers have heads, body, mugs. And us? We're just balls!
Mike Perry
 
1.) I'm sick of bouncing around from town to town.
2.) I shouldn't drink and drive to the basket.
Tim Tribbett
 
It's March but I feel more depressed than mad.
Tim Tribbett
 
Hey, my friend here would like an Ovaltine.
Tim Tribbett
 
I feel like someone just let the air outta me!
Tim Tribbett
 
They were chanting "air ball air ball" but it wasn't MY fault!
Tim Tribbett
 
"It's madness!"
David Nelson, Greensboro
 
So who do you got in the Hunger Games?
All rights balls, which ones going to ante up first?
What bracket do you want?
I'm the only qualified one here for a bracket....
What time does the flash mob start?
Thanks guys for coming... I just had to get out of that colisuem!
(In a Jersey accent)..."Balls here"....
Eneey, meeny, miney, mo....
Robbin Smith, Greensboro
 
"It's times like this, I wish I had hands."
"Hey Bartender, how about some straws over here?"
"My head keeps going up and down, up and down."
"Oops, I forgot my wallet."
"I hope we don't get carded."
"Ok, four balls walk into a bar...."
"Must be NCAA Tourney time, B. Ball's drinking again."
"I hope I don't get dunked tonight."
"This beer is making me dunk."
"I'm tired of sitting in those metal cages at Dick's all day."
Stephen Parsons, Kernersville
 
"This gives new meaning to a sports bar."
Sherlon Kennedy, Trinity
 
I'm pickin first, and I'm pickin Bucky the Robot.
Marcia Minsky, Communications Officer, The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan Club., Camarillo, CA
 
As our sponsor says, "Just Do It!"
Julie Crescenzo, Jamestown
 
Ok who was in charge of the straws
Steve Manley
 
I sure hope the golf ball knows he is driving!
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
"Not sure I can drink this without dribbling."
Phil Valla, Greensboro
 
"I'm not allowed to drink and drive to the basket."
Phil Valla, Greensboro
 
On no! I've started to dribble, you can't roll straight and the baseball shot us a curve so I guess we know who's left to drive?
Lynn Gaines, Goldston
 
"I knew that hockey puck won't show up".
Steve Stettler
  
And this is in celebration of Dukes lost against Lehigh and UNC's win over Vermont!!
Joseph S.
 
" We made it----The final four of mixed sports "
" I want that beer but I don't have any arms. "
"Shouldn't we play the games first ?"
" There's no teeth in these sports anymore."
" Can you hear me now ?"
" Drink up. It's going to be an interesting sports season."
" The referee was'nt kidding when he said- " Four balls, take a walk."
" We have been batted, kicked, dribbled and teed off---That's why we're here."
" The referee called a technical foul on me. How about you guys?"
" I just don't have the bounce I used to have."
" You guys see that cute Wilson at the end of the bar?"
" Did I tell you about the time I got caught in the net?"
" She said I had a lot of balls going out to the bar. She was right."
" Yup. I was that 3 pointer at the buzzer."
" I cried foul but noone would listen."
"Then I said " Take your dirty hands off me."
" I was that shot heard round the world."
" I'm Wilson. Pleased to meet you."
" Those are some nasty stitches you have there."
" Hey bartender, do you have any shots to go with our beer ?"
Lee Richmond, Jamestown
 
"She benched me."
I thought I'd take a shot at scoring, here."
"Yesterday I was at the top of my game. Today I'm feeling deflated."
"Every time I make a pass, she tells me I out of bounds."
Gene Serpe, Greensboro
 
"I know my season's over, but 4 beers doesn't touch the pain!"
From John Linton, High Point
 
"...and then he slid underneath the zamboni, and I never saw him again."
Sean Larkin, Jamestown
 
" Their going to have a hard time playing without us"
Tatiana Frontera, Jamestown
 
I can't believe they kicked us off the team".
Tiana Ramos, Greensboro
 
"I sure hope this is the final four!"
Steve Unger
 
Since then my nickname has been "Air Ball"!
Tim Tribbett
 
I never get to travel anywhere!
Tim Tribbett
 
The bartender said no charging!
Tim Tribbett
 
Which one of you gave me these NCAA BRACKET PICKS?!!!
Regina Williams, High Point
 
You get "kicked", Golfie gets "shot", Basey gets "batted", I get "dunked." Where's the civility, man?
G.A. Rilling, Madison
 
A toast to our castaway comrade, Wilson.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Hey, barkeep, how about some straws!"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Here's to the forgotten heroes of sport, without whom no points would be scored."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Help me out if I start to dribble a little."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Slam dunked, kicked, spiked, swatted, smashed - it's time for a union, gentlemen."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I remember the time Wilt and I teamed up for 100 points...."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Drink responsibly, not everyone has a designated driver like Rory McIlroy.
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Let's toast our dimpled pal, resting at the bottom of the pond at hole #12 at Augusta."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Let's toast our dimpled pal, resting at the bottom of the pond at hole #16 at Augusta."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"After March Madness I always experience Post-Tournament-Stress-Disorder."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Let's keep it low-key: the bouncer here won't tolerate out-of-bounds behavior."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"I just can't stand to watch hockey; that puck is so violent!"
Sara Clawson, Greensboro
 
"After overhauling the tax code, Congress need to simplify the Brackets!"
Sharon Hronek
 
I guess this is the only final four I'll ever see.
Tim Tribbett
 
I feel so deflated.
Tim Tribbett
 
My bracket just crashed.
It's a mad, mad, mad, mad month.
Easy for you two ... I have rebound from this early tomorrow morning.
This is not going to end Lin-tastically.
You like green beer - I like mine oak-colored - this just won't work.
Sorry, I'm a bit of a basket-case this month.
I like it better in October when we are all working.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
"It's great to have a pint of stout together. We'll miss you in London, Pigskin. See you in the fall."
 Wiley Harris, Greensboro
 
You have to jump through too many hoops to get anything done around here.
Henry.Greensboro
 
I shouldn't have dated her on the rebound.
Tim Tribbett
 
Hey, Give us a hand!
Paul Herger, High Point
 
Let the Games Begin
Jane Herger, High Point
 
"Let us not dread the head nor fear the beer".
T.B. Pugh, Sophia
 
We gotta do something to get back in the game!
Mike Perry
 
Why tweet when you can swing, swoosh, slide and score?
Lynda Perry
 
Back in the day, it was a whole lot easier to score!
Mike Perry
 
We've been thrown off our game, but how do you compete with social media?
Lynda Perry
 
Why can't we get girls? We got game!
Mike Perry
 
Let's face it, there's a new game in town!
Lynda Perry
 
Here we are- in the rough, fumbling, shooting airballs and we keep striking out!
What's a ball to do?
Lynda Perry
 
I knew we were in trouble when no one would 'friend' us on facebook!
Mike Perry
 
No one wants to 'get physical.'
Lynda Perry
 
We're no longer the best game in town!
Lynda Perry
 
Well, I guess we've gone the way of marbles and jacks!
Lynda Perry
 
"We ought to be able to come up with a good game plan, eight heads are better than one."
Stephanie McCulley
 
What? No more Tebowing?
Mike Perry
 
What's wrong? Pink sneakers for gosh sakes, pink sneakers!
Mike Perry
 
OMG, they're bringing back 'Battle of the Network Stars!'
Mike Perry
 
I picked Duke for the Final Four!
Mike Perry
 
Look! It's snowing" The Cubs must've won the World Series!
Mike Perry
 
My girl broke up with me at dinner.   I kept dribbling!
Mike Perry
 
Yeah, my Republican Presidential bracket's shot too.
I went to a shrink three years ago, but that madness is back again.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
1. All I ever do is dribble, dribble, dribble!
2.You're such an odd ball!
3. Enough of this March Madness already!
4. If I drink this I'll be dribbling all night!
5. I'm MAD!
6. I don't need this, I'm full of hot air already!
7. Cheers!
8. Next round's on me!
9. Boy I need this, I'm felling the pressure to get myself through the basket!
10. This round's on me, I'm the winning ball!
11. If I drink that I putting my player at WRIST!
12. I've already got a headache from all that bouncing!
13. My team's so hot, I'm sweating like a pig!
Nancy Nelson
 
If I drink that, I'm putting my player at WRIST!
Nancy Nelson
 
What a nightmare! Charles Barkley was channeling Howard Cosell on ESPN!
Mike Perry
 
"They just told me they added four more teams this year."
"I'm going to need surgery to repair all of my busted brackets."
"I guess picking UNC-Asheville was just a hoop dream."
"My girlfriend left me for a number two seed."
"Quick, someone set a screen in front of my beer."
"Okay, I'll use a tissue the next time I pick and roll."
"It looks like those beers are playing man to man."
"Before we drink another one, I'm going to have to take a timeout."
"You bumped me when I was in the act of drinking."
"One more is going to put me in the double bonus."
"I guess I drank too much because I dribbled all the way to the bathroom."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
I don't believe our friend Tennis will be able to hold all his drink.
Bobby Walker
 
The bartender thinks I'd make a good bouncer.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
" so that's why I stay heavily medicated each March"
Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro
 
"I tell ya,its been a tough one.You know I haven't been outside since back in October."
Ray Faust, Greensboro
 
"You know, come to think of it I don't think I've ever seen my own shadow."
Ray Faust, Greensboro
 
They're refinishing the b-ball court coz the players kept dribbling on it!
Mike Perry
 
1. “I play by my own rules.”
2. “How about some straws!”
3. “Let’s keep a low profile; I don’t need any trouble from the bouncer.”
4. “You think you’ve had it tough – I went to high school with Curly Neal.”
5. “The last time I saw Bowling Ball he was rolling down the alley.”
6. “Life is like a sports bar.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
Hey Rickard! It's basketball season, not golf, not football, not lacrosse, not foosball. Get rid of these other idiots! Geez!
Mike Perry
 
"Scarface is buying this round."
"Appears we all lost in the playoff."
"Looks like we made it to the final four."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
I'll pass, I don't drink and dribble.
Lets drink a toast to the final 4 champs, UNC and m a y b e the WOLF PACK.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
1.They've had me jumping through hoops all week!
2.If I drink anymore, I'll probably start to dribble.
3.I'm just saying I deserve some credit. They couldn,t have scored without me!
4.I feel like it's my fault we lost the game.
5.I can't drink this! He didn't bring a driver!
6.Somebody cut me off if I start bouncing off the walls.
7.It's been a long week guys, I think I'm just gonna bounce.
8.Who is this "Wilson", and does he realize that they're slamming us?
Ella McClellan, Greensboro
 
Just once I'd like to go out to a bar and score.
WILSON!!!!
My brackets are completely busted.
I caught my wife with a bowling ball.
I took a real pounding at work today.
It takes real balls to show up at a biker bar.
Just my luck. I'm working the Bobcats game tomorrow.
David Core, Greensboro
 
"Our last round before a winner is chosen."
"One of us will be World Champion .
" I am happy this contest is almost over, I feel    bloated."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
"Usually I'm more pumped up about the season."
"Frankly the team has left me feeling rather deflated."
Margaret Wolfe-Roberts, Asheboro
 
C'mon! I'm a basketball! We like shots!
What do you call a chicken that swears? An offensive fowl!
I'm on the rebound from the girl I was courting.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"I was warned that at this dive you have to have a lot of balls just to sit at the bar."
"I'm sorry that I called you an egghead, Wilson. You're really a stand-up guy when somebody tries to kick you around!"
"Let's play by the rules this time guys- I don't want that bouncer to get hold of me again!"
"Hey, at least I'M in the OLYMPICS!"
"I've never understood why these little guys have summer seasons even though they're albinos."
"You guys might be in stitches, but the NBA isn't a joke!"
David Roberts, Asheboro
 
..so then I said to her "I play the field, and I just hit a homerun with you" And she slapped me!
Mike Perry
 
Why does everyone call me Wilson?
Mike Perry
 
Maybe I am drunk! But I’m telling you, slap a wig on me and you won’t know the difference
After this beer, let’s roll.
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
I just seem to bounce from one relationship to another
Randy Sheppard, Greensboro
 
“I need another round, I’m going under the air pump needle first thing in the morning.”
“When they forget to moisten the air pump needle before inflating me it really smarts.”
“You guys will have to excuse me, I sometimes dribble when I drink.”
“After this round I’m going to have to call a designated dribbler.”
“The ref said if I show up at another game deflated he’ll have me sent down to Play It Again Sports.”
“If it’s a boy we’re thinking ‘Spalding'."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Thursday, March 22, 2012 at 4:59 pm

March 16, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 031612

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 032212

 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
Know what that chart represents? The number of BAD JOU captions, that’s what! Bonuses for all!
Personal note to Monty: Cool puzzles, They made my brain hurt. Can I run them on the JOU blog?
 

Follow Brewster Rockit Tweets here at twitter.com/brewsterrockit

 

Also Follow Brewster Rockit here on Facebook

 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

 

WINNER
As you can see, this month our sales were off the chart!
Mandy Campbell, Reidsville
 
RUNNER-UPS
“Bob’s idea of just turning the chart upside down has been noted.”
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
"And this is when Angry Birds was invented."
Anderson Ragan, Greensboro
 
On the bright side, bonuses look good
Sam Gordon, Jamestown
 
“The drop in profits means your annual bonuses will be handed out with less enthusiasm.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
It's ironic cause we make graphs and red ink.
Tim Tribbett
 
"The arrow points all the way to China; ironically where our work was outsourced."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
This presentation will be continued downstairs.
Randy Sheppard, Greensboro
 
JR. WINNER
As you can see, you need to donate so we can get a bigger board.
Jami'el, Frazier
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
And this is what mountains look like.
Courtney, Triangle Lake Montessori
 
We have been losing profits ever since we got this new graph!
R.A.C., Triangle Lake Montessori
 
We need new ideas. And someone wrote on the wall. It's a crisis!!
Linda, Bessemer
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to see our numbers "Off the Charts!".
Les Thomas, Sterling, VA
 
When I said I wanted to see sales off the chart, this isn't what I had in mind!
Ella McClellan, Greensboro
 
...on the plus side, when the board sees how much we're saving from all the layoffs, I'm sure to get a huge bonus.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
And here you are again ...
 
"Our next sales chart will pick up where this one ends. Would you all please meet me in the basement?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
But if you rotate the sign 90 degrees to the left, we're doing just fine.
Mike Perry
 
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
This line actually continues all the way thru the floor floor.
Tim Tribbett
Ouch, ouch.
 
Quality of my submissions for the ‘Jokes On You’”
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
"Hey Steve, turn up the heat, will ya? Everyone's glasses are fogged up!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
" And this is our current circulation since Allen Johnson took over."
steve turner
 
"As you can see, this week's JOU entries are considerably lower, because Tim made the cartoon so freakin' hard!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"And now, to explain this, I turn you over to our future ex head of sales, Brewster Rockit."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
This marks the point in Brewster Rockit Inc. when the space bear shark hybrid appeared.
Tim Tribbett
 
Would anyone care to hazard a guess as to when our syndicate started Brewster Rockit?
Tim Tribbett (we kid cause we care)
 
...and this where Rickard's popularity started to go south.
Mike Perry
I’m starting to notice a theme …
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
"Okay, who stole the little yodeling mountain climber?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Our grandparents were right. This is society after Elvis appeared on Ed Sullivan!
Mike Perry
 
"Quint, we are going to need a bigger board!"
Stephen Parsons, Kernersville
 
BEST/WORST PUN
None? Did I miss any?
 
BEST POEMS
Sales may be lagging, but brother take heart.
It's nothing but wiggly lines on a chart.
    Just close your eyes, it will all disappear.
    When you open them up at the end of the year,
Your boss will still be a rich fart.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Said the chief, “As you see in this chart,
We at first had a really good start.
    But our earnings have slipped
    So my job has been stripped.
Says the board, it is time we should part.”
 
So to help him get over this sting,
There’s a buyout that’s fit for a king.
    Now he’s laughing a lot
    Sitting there on his yacht.
Yes, a contract’s a wonderful thing!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
 -----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Frazier
Jami'el: As you can see, you need to donate so we can get a bigger board.
Brandon: Ahhh! This is boring.
Chase: This week we're going down.
Mahogany D.: We've lost so badly we went off the chart.
Pretty'n'Pink: Business is going into the dumps.
-----------
Triangle Lake Montessori
Tom: The coffee beans in the store room are going down.
Kalani: As you can see by this lightning thingy, we are in the dumps.
Madison: See guys, this is how many people go to Starbucks.
Gretchen: OK, the creepy clown idea didn't work.
Angela: See! It blends into the wall. Well, now people can't see our failure.
The Dollar General: We are so fired!
Chay: Now, who used all the money?
J.Kate: This is how much our stupidity has grown since 2007!
Courtney: And this is what mountains look like.
Jordan: This is worse than Bob the Builder.
Chloe: Now, see, Bob, I told you about that bald spot. Now our rates are going down.
Jade: As you can see, men...and Martha, I cannot read this chart because it has no words on it.
Camryn: This looks like somebody else got a bald spot.
Joe: Good news: The Dora toys are getting a bad report. Bad news: The business can't afford to buy coffee.
Matthew: We are having a huge decrease on our 'mac and fleas.'
R.A.C.: We have been losing profits ever since we got this new graph!
Taha: Since the company is suinig us, bang, batta bing, we're dead.
Z-Man: Look, rainbows and dead butterflies!
T. M.: If we don't improve our business report, I'm gong to fire you.
Tre: Listen everyone, profits are going down, and if you don't have an idea, I'm going to fire you.
Cullen: We're losing our bottoms.
Little Kam: We will shoot the company with lightning. Then we will take the company's soul.
-----------
Bessmer
I.K.S.: I need this money to buy a car!
Bo: Our big fat dodohead business is heading dooowwwwnnnn.
Chicka: You guys don't even know how to sell teddy bears!
Denisea: Men, grown-up diapers are dropping.
Linda: We need new ideas. And someone wrote on the wall. It's a crisis!!
Kayla: If that gets any lower, it might die.
Natalie: The distorted toy sales are going down, down, down.
-----------
THE REST
"And this is what happens when you drop Viagra as an advertising client!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey Steve, turn up the heat, will ya? Everyone's glasses are fogged up!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I want to thank Katharine Hepburn for preparing this sales chart for us today!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"As you can see, this week's JOU entries are considerably lower, because Tim made the cartoon so freakin' hard!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I don't know how the graphics department got the arrow to hang off the chart, but awesome, guys!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, first this side. Ready? Row, row, row your boat....."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"All right, which one of you jokers turned the chart upside down?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"As you will notice, the percentage of men in this company with a full head of hair is falling fast!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, who stole the little yodeling mountain climber?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Sales says we're out of touch with our customers...contact wearers. I just don't see it!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I have no idea what this means! Somebody just shoved this pointer thingy in my hand!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"We expect to see an improvement in next month's sales chart. We canned the guy who drew this one!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Would everyone who is willing to take a pay cut, please place your arm on the table? Outstanding!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"In retrospect, maybe investing in a company called 'Just Black Ink' wasn't the smartest move in this economy."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Finding an answer to this problem should be a 'no-brainer'! Looks we have just the right people for the job!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"And now, to explain this, I turn you over to our future ex head of sales, Brewster Rockit."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I don't know who put their EKG up here, but you better move it before the boss get's here!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Our next sales chart will pick up where this one ends. Would you all please meet me in the basement?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Here at Ditch Diggers Inc. things have never looked better!
Tim Tribbett
 
"A wise man once said, 'If at first you don't succeed, consider making failure your goal!'"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
...on the plus side, when the board sees how much we're saving from all the layoffs, I'm sure to get a huge bonus.
Don't worry. All the charts at the Acme Roller Coaster Company look like this.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
This is actually continued on the floor below us.
Tim Tribbett
 
This marks the point in Brewster Rockit Inc. when the space bear shark hybrid appeared.
Tim Tribbett
 
My caption for today is "This sales graph is off the chart, but in the wrong way!"
Brad Howes, Greensboro
 
"The good news is the government's bailout money is already on its way"
John Ford, High Point
 
"OBVIOUSLY YA'LL CAN TELL THIS IS NOT GAS PRICES"
Kevin Lemons, Stoneville
 
"Would you prefer to see more of the bake sale numbers or our quarterly earnings"?
Ray Sullivan, Greensboro
 
As you can see, this month our sales were off the chart!
Mandy Campbell, Reidsville
 
But if you rotate the sign 90 degrees to the left, we're doing just fine.
Mike Perry
 
Looks like we've got another bailout coming.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
This drop represents J.P.'s embezzlement of $55 million and trip with Miss Prentice to Argentina.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
This shows that Putin bobbleheads just won't sell in the USA.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
1.) Parachutes Inc. can withstand these precipitous drops.
2.) On the bright side our Prozac division is doing gangbusters!
3.) It's ironic cause we make graphs and red ink.
4) Seems people didn't like our toddle line of chain saws.
5.) In hindsight the broccoli filling for out Twinkies was a mistake.
6.) I'm afraid we'll have to cap our raises at a meager 50% this year.
7.) On a lighter note we're still having the company picnic. BYOB.
7.) Looking back It was a mistake to publish a "Jersey Shore" etiquette guide.
8.) Oops, it's upside down. Jenkins, get down from that window!
Tim Tribbett
 
Now, when I ask the new SmartChart where the table is, it points right at it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
....and this is the average I.Q. of teens since Jersey Shore debuted!
Mike Perry
 
Hey, this will happen in the next four years if we re-elect Obama.
Rose S. Scruggs, Reidsville
 
"The good news is that our bonuses won't be affected."
Harvey Herman
 
This graph is too graphic considering that male specialty drugs were our best sellers.
I'm supposed to say "we unloaded excess baggage" -- but it was really bank bags full of money.
Hey, anything to lower our tax liability.
We're in better shape than this chart shows now that we've fired the entire graphics department.
Unfortunately this chart is not upside down or backwards.
Now go out and sell our stock as being "reasonably priced."
Unfortunately we'll be hanging the next graph even higher on the wall.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Your job, as the mainstream media, is to get Obama reelected despite his results shown here.
Kenny Carper, Summerfield
 
"It was at this point that Arnold, who was working on the chart, had his fatal heart attack".
Don Gunn, Madison                                                      
 
"The dip coincides with our introduction of the mashed potato ice cream  brand."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"The downturn started when the ducks pecked our CEO to death."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"And who can forget the day our CFO quoted Cheney: 'Deficits don't matter.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Remember the stockholders meeting when our CEO exploded?"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"And then when the Python Home Protection System went south...."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Then R&D came up with the confessional booth PA system."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Our action plan will be to meet in the basement after lunch !
Any suggestions on how to socialize this ?
This graph is upside down, isn't it ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"And then we decided to insure Rush Limbaugh's mouth."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Of course with 20/20 hindsight, transparent jeans might not have been the best idea."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Analysts continue to question the efficacy of our newest ED drug."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Who would have thought edible pitons would appeal to every bird species."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Gentlemen, please bear with me !
At least we are not in a spiral !
It's time for a bailout, has anyone seen my golden parachute ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Be honest gentlemen. Who doesn't remember endorsing 'Tramp stamp Barbie'?"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"OK, so the shark repellent turned out to be a shark aphrodisiac."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
SALES ARE OFF THE CHART!
Nancy Sharpe Ellis, Ramseur
 
Kids want more advanced toys now days so I propose we roll out our new iSlinkies!
Tim Tribbett
 
Would anyone care to hazard a guess as to when our syndicate started Brewster Rockit?
Tim Tribbett(we kid cause we care)
 
I say we blame it on the janitor.
Tim Tribbett
 
" And this is our current circulation since Allen Johnson took over."
steve turner
 
This happens every year during March Madness.
We call this "ACC tournament syndrome"
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
"Don't sell. We will come back."
'Don't worry, this is not the bottom."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
"Help, we've fallen and we can't get up!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"To sum up, new product development has fallen off and is now tabled."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Now this last peak in Mensa membership took place just about the same time that Tim Rickard joined."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Our stock holders are preparing the tar and feathers as I speak!
Tim Tribbett
 
1. "And this is when Angry Birds was invented."
Anderson Ragan, Greensboro
 
Yes, Snerdly, the Volt sales chart DOES look like a lightning bolt.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Gentlemen we need new products! As you can see Viagra sales can't carry us forever.
 Dean Tribbett, Virginia Beach Va
 
"I welcome all these new faces. Now let's get down to the task at hand."
Cal Sigler, Browns Summit
 
"And here is where the staff discovered Words With Friends."
Karen Clark, Greensboro
                                                                                                                                                                 
"Although the company's recent performance doesn't really bother me, I must let you all go to compensate for my annual bonus."
SW Dalton, High Point
 
...and this where Rickard's popularity started to go south.
Mike Perry
 
This will make it slightly harder to vote ourselves raises.
Tim Tribbett
 
...thus the infarction sallied forth by the conjunction of competitive disruption and callousness, is easily followed. I''ll show you; just follow my thingy!
Mike Perry
 
...and so, with all this data, it is my conclusion we need an Economic Viagra!
Mike Perry
 
"Granted, the Krzyzewski bobble-head store in Chapel Hill underperformed...."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"And who can forget the day the Board of Directors' Hawaii luau went viral."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"This marked the beginning of the end of our soup-filled pinatas sales
campaign."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"The board has decided that what this company needs is a little nap...."
Margaret Wolfe-Roberts , Asheboro
 
Our grandparents were right. This is society after Elvis appeared on Ed Sullivan!
Mike Perry
 
"Does this mean we ain't having doughnuts today?"
"Quint, we are going to need a bigger board!"
"Boys, welcome to the 99%."
"Please make sure you pick up your 99% Rules T-shirts on the way out."
"Since I unfortunately drew the big straw, I'm the new CEO."
"Ok, so Beer Candy wasn't such a good idea."
"So, we had a few fires in our Electric Car Division."
"I guess pigs really can fly."
"Are we sure we have this chart hanging correctly?"
Stephen Parsons, Kernersville
 
"Any further questions on Sales?"
Thomas Parsons, 5th grade, Kernersville
 
OOPS, upside down, and backwards. My bad.
Marcia Minsky, Communications Officer, The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan Club, Camarillo, CA
 
As you can see, our sales incentive of an Italian Carnival Cruise didn't go over very well.
Keith Tolbert, Julian
 
I'm having a hard time putting a positive spin on this.
Tim Tribbett
 
Seems parents don't like our new line of "Bieber Fever" cigarettes aimed at tweens.
Tim Tribbett
 
This is serious! I could lose my bonus!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Test results show our new ED drug is not working"
Augustus Senior, Greensboro
 
"Don't worry, we have applied for a government loan."
Dalton Smith, Greensboro
 
"It tuns out that in marketing, honesty is not the best policy"
Dave Johnson, Greensboro
 
“Hiring ‘Bite Me, Inc.’ to handle our public relations wasn’t our best idea.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
Someone's gonna pay for this--just not us!
I know you're wondering what this means for yearly bonuses...not a thing!
Margaret Wolfe-Roberts, Asheboro
 
Thank goodness for insider trading!
Tim Tribbett
 
Figgins, you joined us about then, didn't you?
The evidence is clear - we need a bigger chalk-board!
How can we be earning less than nothing?
Of course this is taking seasonal factors into account.
Some CEOs would take responsibility for this - however I am not such a person.
This is likely to make a good-sized hole in the carpet!
Oh! Let's just hang it upside down!
What would Ricky Gervaise do here?
Too bad Wilkins fell off the stool as he drew this.
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
"As you can plainly see, the severe plunge in our national IQ corresponds exactly to the day of the first airing of 'Celebrity Apprentice'."
 
"We have applied for another Government Loan."
"No one is buying our "Do Pad."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
Did everyone remember their cyanide capsule?
Tim Tribbett
 
The good news is we're getting a taxpayer bailout. Suckas!
Tim Tribbett
 
Seems people think our new laxative is a tad too effective.
Tim Tribbett
 
"The arrow points all the way to China; ironically where our work was outsourced."
 Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
We need to adjust for the corporate bonuses. Jones, you're fired.
As you can see, our downward trend is pointing at China.
Les Thomas, Sterling, VA
 
This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to see our numbers "Off the Charts!".
Les Thomas, Sterling, VA
 
"OOPS" We need a larger chart.
"Since our last board meeting, we have a minor setback."
"Mr Frank's said we would get the bailout."
Dalton Smith, Greensboro
 
This is what gas prices should be.
Joseph S.
 
"I think it's time we took off our rose colored glasses."
"I'm not saying things are bad but does anyone speak Mandarin Chinese?"
"Jenkins is out today so of course, this is all his fault."
"Now we'll look at this downward spiral wearing 3-D glasses?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
No, this is NOT a depression, only a recessions. We're still employed aren't we?
Mike Perry
 
"Gentlemen,this chart represents your productivity during the NCAA Tournament.I hope you got some good brackets because mine are garbage.”
Ray Faust, Greensboro
 
"Gentlemen,these sales figures are so low that next week Barry White is going to hold the meeting."
Ray Faust, Greensboro
 
" Why are you all looking up ?"
" Simon says look down."
" Remove your glasses and put the rose colored glasses on."
" I see that everything is on the table as we move forward."
" And now I will wave my magic wand."
" Bill here is the winner. He noticed that I can move my hand completely around to grasp this pointer."
" The Acme Upward Looking Eyeglass Company will now come to order."
" Once again Bernie Madoff got our sales chart upside down."
" Wow, sales are off the chart!"
" Let's not tell the big boss when he comes into town."
"We will start the next quarter with a clean slate, I mean table."
"It looks like our bonuses will go up this year."
"Then I scaled down this side of the mountain."
"Our toupee sales have taken a dive."
"I see we've put all our cards on the table."
"We can't keep meeting like this."
"Don't blame me. I just work here."
"All those responsible put your arms on the table."
Lee Richmond, Jamestown
 
Hopefully putting the chart in 3D will help us all grasp the gravity of this situation !
Look up, or should I say down ?
Come on guys, I'm running out of red ink here !
What do you think this is, the federal government ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Please, sit up and stop sinking in those chairs !
This is so crummy I want a pie chart, NOW !
Who is this arrow going to hit in the behind, not me !
This might be OK for Sliny Corp., but not for us !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
The good news is our compensation is not related to company performance.
No. The chart is not upside down.
This is either the average daily temperatures or the number of employees working for us. I "Googled" it.
This was the price of gas at the end of 2008, now if I turn it over 180 degrees, it is the current price of gasoline.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
This line actually continues all the way thru the floor floor.
Tim Tribbett
 
This is what happens when you let the etrade baby do your investing!
Tim Tribbett
 
Here at Gillette know one knows the stubble we've seen.
Tim Tribbett
 
I would go into further detail but my private jet to an unnamed country is waiting.
Tim Tribbett
 
"This will be your paycheck this year should our company not stay afloat..."
"This is the forecast for bonuses, raises, and promotions this year..."
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
Which one of you ordered 1 million  "Crazy Daisy" rag dolls made in China?
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
As you can see, sales are going through the floor !
This is the final graph chart, we can't afford any more !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
These new rose-colored glasses from R&D will turn our world upside down !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Let's stand on our heads together and see if we can turn this company around, OK ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
On the brighht side, bonuses look good
Sam Gordon, Jamestown
 
“I focused grouped this chart, and no one seems to like it.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
This reflects the recent trend of barbituate sales.  What a downer!
Mike Perry
 
1. “The drop in profits means your annual bonuses will be handed out with less enthusiasm.”
2. “After careful analysis, I’ve determined that this is bad.”
3. “I hindsight, it appears that trying to market a 40 pound tablet was a bad idea.”
4. “Unfortunately, this chart continues on the next slide.”
5. “As you can see, employee production drops during March Madness.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
I think the market has piqued!
Mike Perry
 
Demo economics:  Two wrongs don't make a right; but 3 lefts do!
Mike Perry
 
1.If this is because of the rumor that some people are getting paid under the table, I can explain.
2.When I said I wanted to see sales off the chart, this isn't what I had in mind!
3.There's a good chance that if we don't win the election, we can collect unemployment.
Ella McClellan, Greensboro
 
This is our production estimate during the upcoming basketball tournament.
I want to know whose idea it was to bring back 8 track tapes?
No Jenkins, I'm afraid the chart isn't upside down.
Of course the good news is, this chart is not quite to scale.
Seems our loses are literally off the chart.
It appears bringing back mood rings, pet rocks, and leisure suits was a stupid idea.
David Core, Greensboro
 
“Bob’s idea of just turning the chart upside down has been noted.”
“This calls for a government bail-out, corporate bonuses and vacations.”
Quality of my submissions for the ‘Jokes On You’”
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, March 16, 2012 at 2:01 pm

March 8, 2012

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 030912

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 031612
 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
A few of you didn’t notice it was William Tell talking, not the boy.
A lot of William Tell Overture-related captions, too. (Oh, no! Now I have that tune stuck in my head! Da-da-dum, da-da-dum, da-da-dum dum dum ...)
 
Follow Brewster Rockit Tweets here at twitter.com/brewsterrockit
 

Also Follow Brewster Rockit here on Facebook

 
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

 
WINNER
"I seen this on youtube. How hard can it be"
James Rose, High Point
 
RUNNER-UPS
"Hey, just be glad you had seven older brothers! I'm much better now!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
How does mommy usually slice it?
Ella McClellan, Greensboro
 
That's a neat trick. Want to see what I can do?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
Ha, what a time for me to get the hiccups!
Tim Tribbett
 
Is this close enough?
Mike Perry, Eden
 
"Let's not split hairs over this"
Judy Ksieniewicz, Greensboro
 
"Your sister didn't cry. God rest her soul."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
Don't we need the guys from "Myth Busters" to do this?
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
This time I’m gonna wear the blindfold.
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
JR. WINNER
Say hello to my little friend.
Camryn T., Triangle Lake
 
JR. RUNNER-UPS
"Don't worry, I saw this in a movie."
Thomas Parsons, 5th grade, Kernersville
 
Which one is your head?
Roy T., Frazier
 
This will hurt you more than it hurts me.
Denisea, Bessemer
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS (our judges also gave the nod to these)
Some busybody called child protective services!
Tim Tribbett
 
This is "Take your son to work" day!
Tim Tribbett
-----------------------------------------
BEST INSIDE JOKE
"Hey, just be glad Tim didn't draw a grape up there!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Just remember, Tim could have drawn Brewster holding this crossbow. Now that's a scary thought!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This would be a lot easier if Rickard had given me fingers!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I've got a feeling I'm gonna do well at this year's National Crossbow Pierced Apple contest, or as we like to call it, the NCPA awards."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Yes, you can update your Facebook Account, but hurry up. (Well it worked last week!)
Mike Perry
 
BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE
"Shhh! Be vewy, vewy qwiet...I'm hunting Wussets!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
BEST HISTORICAL REFERENCE
The Stepford Children!
Mike Perry
 
"Okay, next time I'll take my hat off for the governor. Gosh, sometimes you can be such a whiner!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
BEST LOCAL CULTURAL REFERENCE
First it was pistols, and now THESE are legal in public parks.
Monty Kivett, Greensboro
 
BEST/WORST PUN
This will keep you on the straight and arrow.
Steve Nance, Gibsonville
 
William and son bowled in a Wednesday night league, but the alley burned down, losing all records. Thus, we may never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Mike Perry
 
"Don't worry, I won't shoot you. I've got a degree in arrow-dynamics."
"I'll be careful not to make an arrow mistake."
Jim Ertner, Greensboro
 
"Next we'll try an egg - and we can say 'the yolk's on you.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"The best way to deal with a problem like this is to get right to the core."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
BEST POEMS
There is a story that people know well.
Some say it rings false, some true as a bell.
    A man shot an apple from the head of his son,
    with an arrow aimed true, and when he was done,
wondered, "Will I be famous?" Only time Will Tell.
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Lots of research was done to reveal
That the William Tell story's not real.
    Yet, it's popular. Why?
    William's son could soon die,
And the apple has sure got appeal.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
William Tell could shoot a bow,
H told his son, lets put on a show.
We will put a apple on your head.
You will be as safe as you are in bed.
Close your eyes and don't make a sound.
If I say duck you hit the ground.
After the show and we are through.
A half of apple I will give to you.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES
"Don't worry, I saw this in a movie."
"What's that emergency number again?"
Thomas Parsons, 5th grade, Kernersville
 
"Now don't tell mom about this"
Luke Billington, 11 years old
 -----------------------
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Frazier
Matt C.: OK, when I shoot, you pretend it fell over.
Simone: Be very still, please.
Ayanna: Don't move!
Roy T.: Which one is your head?
Miranda: Oh, no, this isn't going to be good.
Pete: How about a peach instead?
Mahogany D.: Don't worry. It'll only take a few hairs...hopefully.
Chase: H H H Hey, s s stop shaking. I need to get that apple.
J. T. : Might shake a little, heh...heh.
Brandon P.: My, my, I 'm hungry.
Jami'el: Aw, man, I was so hungry!
Pretty'n' Pink: Son, I want you to know, you might be blind for the rest of your life.
 
Triangle Lake Montessori
Cullen: I keep thinking about you and can't aim at the apple.
Tre: Be still, son, or you'll die.
Z-Man: I hope you aren't falling in with the wrong crowd.
Taha: Now, if I mess up and you die, it will be your fault.
T.M.: Did I hit your apple or your face, because you have an apple head?
Zahabia: Who are you with an apple hat?
K.A.B.: See you in Heaven.
R.A.C.: OK, I'm about to finish your apple and arrow hairdo.
Little Kam: If you don't eat it, I will shoot you with this thing.
Courtney: Stay, stay, good boy!
J.Kate: With that apple on your head, you look like "Appalo."
Jade: I shan't kill you, small boy.
Chloe: Now, be still, kid.
Gretchen: OK, it's your last chance to tell me: who broke the lamp?
Kalani: Be warned, I'm a lousy shot.
Jordan: Hand over the apple and no one will get hurt.
Joe: OK, Robot 2000, just act normal.
Camryn T.: Say hello to my little friend.
Tom: I only practiced once.
Matthew: Man, I am a lousy shot!
William: What if I miss...the apple?
Nick T.: What if I hit the apple?
-----------
Bessmer
Denisea: This will hurt you more than it hurts me.
Bo: Stick with the apple. It'll keep you safe.
I.K.S.: If I shoot the apple, do I get to eat it?
Chicka: Don't worry, son, I won't hurt you.
 
-----------
THE REST
"I swear, the second time it won't even come close to your nose"
Gordon Trimble
 
I promise I won't mess up your pageboy.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
It has one wormhole too many. 'Nuff said.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"I'm sorry, but it was the biggest apple they had!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"No, I don't think a pumpkin would work better. Why?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Yeah, it would be cool! But I can't wait 500 years for theme song!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Don't worry, I can do this with my eyes closed! Maybe you should, too!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey, you're right....closer is easier!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, remember now, on the count of three....DUCK!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"You should have worn old clothes. Your mother will kill me if you get blood....er, apple juice all over those!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey, just be glad Tim didn't draw a grape up there!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, next time I'll take my hat off for the governor. Gosh, sometimes you can be such a whiner!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey, just be glad you had seven older brothers! I'm much better now!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I just had a little ale to steady my nerves. Now you two boys stand very, very still!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Yeah, it would be cool! But I can't wait 500 years for a theme song!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Because you have the flattest head of all my sons, that's why!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Hey, I've been practicing on the Wii all weekend....I got this!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I know you're wondering why I asked you here. Let me get right to the point."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Well, technically, it's a McIntosh. But I don't want to split hairs!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"The best way to deal with a problem like this is to get right to the core."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Just remember, Tim could have drawn Brewster holding this crossbow. Now that's a scary thought!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Let's run over this one more time. The feathers go in the back and the pointy end is in front?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I said I'd help you with your homework! Do you want to learn fractions or not?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Dad, there's got to be a better way to slice apples."
"Dad, I hate it when we have to fix applesauce for dinner guests."
"That's the biggest apple I could find. I hate how the worms laugh when I miss."
"Dad, I don't think saying 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away' helps much."
"What do you mean, do I mind having 'red applesauce' for dessert tonight?"
Ed Deckert, Summerfield
 
Don't worry, on. I havent't missed … yet!
I can't find my glasses!
Ever wonder why we wear biblical togs in a time advanced enough for crossbows?
Seen my Xanax?
Every time I aim, somebody yells "Hi, Ho Silver!"
Mike Perry
 
According to Snellen, my eyesight's 20/200, I guess that's good enough  for Gov't work.
Marcia Minsky Communications Officer The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan Club, Camarillo, CA
 
"Would you quit hollering 'STAND-IN!'?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Have you seen my glasses? Never mind....I only need them for reading, anyway."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"There's no such thing as a 'designated target' in archery!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I don't know if I can hit a moving target....why do you ask?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Shhh! Be vewy, vewy qwiet...I'm hunting Wussets!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Man, you nick one little boy with an arrow and suddenly everyone's a critic!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"I don't know why they make me take this stupid eye test every year! I'm a great driver!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"This would be a lot easier if Rickard had given me fingers!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"How is painting fruit a safer hobby? You can put an eye out with one of those pointy brushes!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Okay, if I miss, you get to shoot the apple off my head! Deal?"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
Stop whining! My dad used grapes!
Tim Tribbett
 
Don't worry son! I can have more children.
Tim Tribbett
 
I bet this will be a huge hit on YouTube!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Don't worry! I took lessons from Robin Hood's third cousin on his mother's side!"
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
"Now son, I need for you to be still!"
Meschell Wilson, Greensboro
 
I SAID I was sorry about your nose!
Tim Tribbett
 
Shaking like that really doesn't help!
Tim Tribbett
 
Some busybody called child protective services!
Tim Tribbett
 
Sheesh, you've ruined another frock!
Tim Tribbett
 
This is "Take your son to work" day!
Tim Tribbett
 
I think your mother babies you too much.
Tim Tribbett
 
Are you SURE you don't want to play this on the Wii instead?
Larry Basirico, Burlington
 
I'm sorry, son. The store was all out of paintball supplies.
Yeah, they do grow their apples pretty big around here.
I know that song's supposed to be about me, but everyone keeps thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Let's not split hairs over this"
Judy Ksieniewicz, Greensboro
 
“No, I’m not worried about a sudden growth spurt.”
Andee Gable, Greensboro
 
"Your sister didn't cry. God rest her soul."
"Someday someone will write a song about this."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
"Look on the bright side--if I miss, you'll never have to do homework again."
David Nelson, Greensboro:
 
Aim high ..... pleaseee !
Before we do this, where is my little brother ?
Would you like an apple ?
I hope I'm not the apple of your eye today !
Don't shoot, I'm just trying to develop good posture !
Yes, I'm chicken, the sky is falling !
Haven't you heard, bow & arrow season is over !
Before you shoot, when was your last eye exam ?
Where are your glasses, dad ?
Does that thing have a scope ?
I'm posturing for a better relationship with you, Dad !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Had Eve not eaten the apple we wouldn't be in this predicament.
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
This will keep you on the straight and arrow.
Steve Nance, Gibsonville
 
I'll be glad when we're done with these Apple Computer commercials !
They say I'm a dead ringer for you, dad !
We must not make eye contact, OK ?
Don't worry, I practiced some with your mother !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
William and son bowled in a Wednesday night league, but the alley burned down, losing all records. Thus, we may never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Mike Perry
 
Don't shoot, it's for my school teacher !
Sure hope you're thinking higher thoughts today, dad !
Please, don't call me your apple dumpling, dad !
It's why we don't get along dad, you're always targeting me !
Don't worry about that worm dad, think of me, your son !
I hate Johnny Appleseed !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"I'm beginning to think a watermelon might be better."
Susan Bond, Greensboro
Dad, why can't you take up bowling or golf?
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Another complaint and you're grounded!
It's safe. I've made this shot nine out of ten times.
Dad, why can't you take up bowling or golf?
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
1. Ok, this is how we play. If I hit the apple, I win. If I miss it, you lose.
2 . Did you sign that waiver I gave you?
3. Don't worry, I've seen this done on TV a hundred times.
Renee Swink, Greensboro
 
"Don't worry sweetie! You found a much bigger apple than your brother did!"
Kevin Little
 
1. "Just forget about what happened to your brother. I won't miss this time!"
2. "Yes, a grape was a bad idea, but your brother will be fine."
Anderson Ragan, Greensboro
 
"Why? Don't ask, Don Tell."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Stand still! You know what happened when your brother moved around.
I forgot my glasses but don't worry.
Once I get this perfected I'll take it on the road.
Quit complaining, it was only a scratch.
Today I'm using the real arrows.
Yesterday I practiced with the melon; today the apple and tomorrow will be the strawberry.
Now I'll do it blindfolded.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, Fla.
 
I was told you can't miss if you buy a Macintosh.
David
 
I was told you can't miss if you use a Macintosh.
David
 
If you were from NY we could have used the "Big Apple".
David
 
"Trust me, I almost never miss."
"Trust me, I'm getting the hang of this."
"No, you never had a brother...now stand still."
"I can do this with my eyes closed...hey, that's an idea!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
"I've got a feeling I'm gonna do well at this year's National Crossbow Pierced Apple contest, or as we like to call it, the NCPA awards."
Terry Christensen, Greensboro
 
" You're such a show-off dad, all the other kids have a Toshiba on their heads."
steve turner
 
"Don't worry, I won't shoot you. I've got a degree in arrow-dynamics."
"I'll be careful not to make an arrow mistake."
Jim Ertner, Greensboro
 
You'ld rather have a watermelon?
Mike Perry
 
1.Your teacher said we should test you for ADHD.
2.How does mommy usually slice it?
3.If this trick works, we'll spit it 50/50.
4.See?...No more ADHD.
5.Are you sure you want your face plastered all over YouTube?
6.You've learned your lesson,as long as you understand my point of view.
Ella McClellan, Greensboro
 
Sorry, Kid. It's bow-time!
Nelda Porter, Greensboro
                                                  
Pleaseee, Closer, Closer !
Don't you think we should be getting closer, dad ?
But dad, couldn't this be a very heir-splitting experience ?
Let's not split hairs over this matter, OK ?
Really dad, I don't want a haircut today !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
When do I get a turn, dad ?
But dad, don't you think you could use a shave and hair-cut too !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Remember, I am the apple of your eye.
There has to be an easier way to core and apple.
I don't see the point of this exercise.
I was sitting next to Isaac and this happened.
Don't split hairs with me dad.
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Livermore, CA
 
"I just find it more challenging than, say, a pumpkin."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Let's wait until my hiccups stop."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"If I miss? Then we'll try two out of three."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Next we'll try an egg - and we can say 'the yolk's on you.'"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"You know, I'm getting a little tired of your negative attitude."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Your mom says it's not PC - she's right, it's a Mac."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"Your mom wants us to bond - do you find this overture exciting?"
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
"No, we'll work on your vertical jump later."
Scott Tredwell, Advance
 
Is THIS close enough ya sissy?
Tim Tribbett
 
We need to hurry before your mother gets home.
Tim Tribbett
 
Stop worrying! I rarely miss.
Tim Tribbett
 
Well, you said you wanted more quality father and son time.
Tim Tribbett
 
I said look over here, not overture.
Sam Gordon, Jamestown
 
Has anyone seen my glasses?
The Lone Ranger wanted his tune back.
Henry, Greensboro
 
"We need to talk about your report card."
Pete Dey, Greensboro
 
Here are our submissions to weekly caption Arrow/Apple:
"What happened to the other assistant?"
"Not sure why the doctor keeps saying I need glasses."
"I'm hoping not to miss this time."
"Those are fake arrows, right?"
"Don't forget to duck."
"Third time is definitely a charm."
Stephen Parsons, Kernersville
 
"Wish me luck and remember don't move "
Pam Patterson, Reidsville
 
Your older brother never complained! God rest his soul.
Tim Tribbett
 
Whoa, that last one went right into the ground. I'd better aim higher!
Tim Tribbett
 
No other kids do this? If all the other kids refused to jump off a cliff would you do it too?
Tim Tribbett
 
I'm an excellent archer,an excellent archer. Time for Wapner!
Tim Tribbett
 
Let's see that bigshot Robin Hood do THIS!
Tim Tribbett
 
I heard that "Cat's in the Craddle" song and decided to spend more time with you.
Tim Tribbett
 
This'll hurt me alot more than it does you! Ha, not really!
Tim Tribbett
 
Ha, what a time for me to get the hiccups!
Tim Tribbett
 
Practice makes perfect!
Tim Tribbett
 
You need this like you need a hole in the head!
Tim Tribbett
 
Think of all the views this will get on YouTube!
Tim Tribbett
 
That's a neat trick.
Want to see what I can do?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
1. “Did you remember to use the bathroom? You know what happened the last time we did this.”
2. “I’d rather play catch too, but we’re stuck with this until someone invents Baseball.”
3. “You forgot your shoes! If you step on a thorn your mother will kill me!”
4. “That gives me a bad idea.”
5. “They call me ‘The Optimist’.”
6. “If I injure you, I’m afraid that apple we keep the doctor away.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"No, you can't have a bigger apple."
Dalton Smith, Greensboro
 
1.) That's too easy! Let's try a pea.
2.) After this I'll have you taste test some boiling oil.
3.) I'm sorry about the catapult. Now shake it off.
4.) I need practice like you need another hole in the head!
5.) Paper targets cost money!
6.) Do you want your allowance or not?
7.) Since when did you become so religious?
8.) Thanks for that "World's best Dad" coffee mug!
Tim Tribbett
 
"Now, do you want to be called Debbi with one eye or two?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"Son have you seen my glasses.?"
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
I find a few pints of ale really loosen me up.
Tim Tribbett
 
Don't go shooting your mouth off. That's my job!
Tim Tribbett
 
Well, I'm no Robin Hood, but I should be able to get close.
Yes, you can update your Facebook Account, but hurry up. (Well it worked last week!)
No son, the "I cannot tell a lie, I chopped down the Apple Tree" excuse
won't work for another 400 years!
No, you cannot use the restroom right now. Perhaps, later.....perhaps!
Mike Perry
 
" Hush, This is my last arrow and you are my last kid."
"Close your eyes and think positive."
Dalton L. Smith, Greensboro
 
(1) There are easier ways to slice an apple, Dad.
(2) Son, I know what you asked for but it hasn't been invented yet.
(3) Sure, little Isaac just watches them fall but what's smart about that?
Barbara Avery, Greensboro
 
(1) Dad, could we use a watermelon instead?
(2) How's this going to keep the doctor away?
Larry Avery, Greensboro
 
Just in case son, do you part your hair on the left or right ?
Son, when I tell you to get a hair-cut, I really mean it !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
If I miss don't tell your mother.
If this works we will go down in history.
Remember, you move you lose..
Don't worry, I have never missed, yet.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
William Tell could shoot a bow,
H told his son, lets put on a show.
We will put a apple on your head.
You will be as safe as you are in bed.
Close your eyes and don't make a sound.
If I say duck you hit the ground.
After the show and we are through.
A half of apple I will give to you.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
"I seen this on youtube. How hard can it be"
James Rose, high point
 
" For my first shot I will move my blindfold up over my eyes. "
" Next time you WILL wear shoes."
" I see the apple didn't fall far from the tree."
" I feel a little shaky today. How about you ?"
" You always were the apple of my eye."
" The instruction parchment says to close your eyes."
" I am Adam's father, Eve. Where is he ?"
" Are you Adam or Eve ?"
Lee F Richmond, Jamestown
 
But /dad/, I don't /like/ apple sauce.
Marcia Minsky, Communications Officer, The *OFFICIAL* Brewster Rockit Fan Club, Camarillo, CA
 
Don't whine! Your brother called the watermelon first!
Tim Tribbett
 
The Stepford Children!
Famous last words: No son, this won't hurt at all!
This is just a reminder: Never walk around with a loaded weapon.
As he looked at the bow, all he could hear was Charlie Brown's teacher.
All little Bill could think about was "I won't have to do my homework tonight!
Just think, not all sons have this to text to their friends!
Mike Perry
 
1.)Ready to take one for the team?
2.) Wow, you sure can find some whopper sized apples!
Tim Tribbett
 
Son, I'm always a straight shooter when it comes to you !
Makes it taste better when we split it like this son, don't you agree ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Stand against the tree so we can start a growth chart.
Tim Tribbett
 
You'll be OK - I hear the music and the Lone Ranger will be here soon.
I told you not to get in Mr. Newton's way!
I've seen goiters but that is ridiculous.
Let me just have another shot of liquor.
There must be an easier way to de-core an apple.
Trust me!
Remind me - why are we doing this?
Did you ever find my distance glasses?
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
"Now, is that Kelli with one eye or two?"
"You know, maybe we should just use a knife."
"Maybe we better start with a melon."
"Did you take that from your Granny Smith?"
"Who says I can't hit the broad side of a Red Delicious?"
"I was so hoping for an orange."
"I'll watch it but hopefully, the apple won't fall far from the tree."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
Is this close enough?
Mike Perry, Eden
 
After today, they'll write an overture about me!
That tune I'm humming? It's "To the Dump, To the Dump, To the Dump,Dump, Dump!"
Mike Perry
 
1) "Just be glad we live near an apple orchard and not a kumquat orchard."
2) "I'm sorry about my first try--I'm pretty sure my hiccups are gone."
3) "Remember son, when you scream, that just makes daddy more nervous."
4) "I'm so thankful you have a flat head like your mother."
Nathan Gross, San Diego, CA
 
Jobs wouldn't like this scenario! 
Mike Perry
 
What is this Universal Law of Gravitation you keep babbling about Isaac?
My actions could result in a serious "overture".
And just where are we going to find a pumpkin or watermelon?
Well I guess its a good thing that child endangerment laws don't exist yet.
David Core, Greensboro
 
I promise they will write a song about this.
Jesse Cross
 
I said i-Pad four not "on-head de-core"
I said I wanted to play the William Tell Overture not the William Tell Torture
This may not "keep the doctor away"
Okay, I promise, no more planting apple seeds.
I changed my mind - I want pumpkin pie for dessert.
Dad, size really does matter.
When is/was your opthamologist appointment?
Don't we need the guys from "Myth Busters" to do this?
Jon Barsanti, Jr GRI MRP, Livermore, CA

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Thursday, March 8, 2012 at 5:02 pm
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