news-record.com

 

 

1.) Remember,no food the morning before he gets neutered.

 2.) Some tenderness at the site of the rabies vaccination is to be expected.

3.) An elizabethan collar should keep him from chewing his neuter incision.

4.) He'll need the kennel cough vaccine if you plan on boarding him.

5.) Sudden changes in diet often result in diarrhea.

6.)Neutering will decrease his leg humping and spraying problems.

7.) Please keep him on a leash while you're in the waiting area.

8.) Scooting? Probably those pesky anal glands again.

9.) Let me see if I can find a muzzle to fit him first.

10.) This is going to cost extra.

11.) I'm sorry but I don't work on wolf hybrids.

12.) Just put his pills in a little meatball.

13.) Just let me keep the silver bullets and we'll call it even.

14.) I'm afraid he has heartworms.

15.) I don't think they covered this in vet school.

16.) Where did all the other clients go?

17.) When he changes back I'll transfer him to an M.D.

18.) Eating Michael Moore would upset anyone's stomach.

19.) Hey Frank,here's a good case for ya.

20.) Hair loss around the tail base often indicates flea allergy.

21.) I know he likes it but cat food isn't a suitable diet for him.

22.) He had a piece of someone lodged behind his molar.

23.) Are you dropping him off for the rabies quarantine?

24.) No eating anyone until he's gone 24 hours without vomiting.

25.) Has anyone talked to you about heartworm prevention?

26.) I'm sorry but even if I induce vomiting I doubt the paper boy would be in one piece.

27.) We've got some great flea and tick preventatives.

28.) Could he have eaten anyone that disagreed with him?

29.) I'm putting him on a bland diet of cub scouts and librarians.

30.) He's got a bad case of ear mites.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

On the boarding form where it asks about his diet you wrote "kennel staff."

Tim Tribbett

 

My advice to you, ma'am, is to take two wolfsbane and call me in the morning.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Chain him up and call me after sunrise.

Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.

Keep him away from the silverware.

Tim Williams, Greensboro

 

I gave him a shot, but he really needs to see a Lycanthrophy expert at UNC.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

There's some mange, but he's really got a bad case of distemper.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

After a good flea dip he'll be good to go Trick or Treat-ing.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

"My granddaughter, Red, introduced us."

"No, don't change him back, just give him his shots."

"The up side is that he only goes out now when the moon is full."

"No, there hasn't been any major differences except the howling."

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

 

"Without his DNA, I can't help you lady."

Hally Rankin, Greensboro

 

It's nothing, Mrs. Howard. I'm sure Scott will be fine in the morning.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

We can do the nails and flea dip tonight but we will need to wait until morning for the neutering procedure.

Dean Tribbett, Va Beach

 

I know a specialist who deals with your kind of case. His name is Dr. Tribbett.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

The pet costume competition was yesterday, but thanks for letting me see him on Halloween.

Hally Rankin, Greensboro

 

"The bad news is that I can't change back your werewolf husband, Mrs. Jones. But on the bright side, today we have a half-off special on flea-dipping."

 

I'm sorry, we only take patients that walk on all four paws.

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

No, I will not "groom" your husband for you.

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

I'm sorry Mrs. Solo but Chewbaca Jr. can't be seen today.

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

"At least he won't need a Halloween costume."

"On the bright side, we do have a neutering special this month."

"So where were you last night? Get it? Were?"

Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

"Instead of divorce...can you put him down?"

Daniah Swaim, Greensboro

 

"Instead of divorce...can I just have him put down?"

Daniah Swaim, Greensboro

 

"I told him to stop drinking out of the toilet!"

Jeff Swaim, Greensboro

                                      

1.) I'm really starting to reconsider that all creatures great and small crap.

2.)You can go ahead and schedule his N..E..U..T..E..R.

3.) It would be easier if you just brought in a stool sample next time.

4.) This is nothing. I used to be Cujo's vet.

5.)The groomer wants to know if you want him to get the poodle cut again.

6.) I may have to start closing during full moons.

7.) That rabies vaccine is good for 3 years.

8.) Next!

 9.) We can microchip him in case he gets lost.

10.) Vomiting? It may be someone he ate.

11.) His nose being wet doesn't mean a thing.

12.) Can you please return my thermometer when it comes out?

13.) That was the worst hot spot I've ever seen.

14.) He just ate Mrs.Shelton's schnoodle dog!

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

Full moon and swine flu...that sucks!

Craig Moon

 

Nice try but you still might be better off with a government option.

Craig Moon, High Point

 

I can examine him just fine from over here.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Kennel cough is very contagious so keep him away from other werewolves.

Tim Tribbett

 

1.) I got the short straw.

2.) I really need to sharpen my rock,paper,scissors skills.

3.)When she gets off the file cabinet the receptionist will check you in.

4.)Could I interest you in one of our fine flea and tick preventatives?

5.) You'll have to sign the sedation consent form.

6.) He has a sneaker lodged in his small intestine.

7.) Our nail trims just went up to 1000 bucks.

8.) Please tell me you didn't just say his tooth hurts.

9.) He needs to stop eating with silverware.

10.) I think IAMS makes a werechow.

11.) He ate my support staff.

12.) No more table scraps.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"Stress usually causes hair to fall OUT."

"Yup, all men are dogs."

"Sorry, ma'am, I lost my lycanthropy license."

"He's old, and you need him put down?"

"You say this stray wandered up on Halloween night?"

"I guess he can no longer talk about your chin hair."

"Yes, transmogrification is one of the rare side effects of his medication."

"You like that he now sleeps at the foot of the bed, but you hate the puddles on the carpet?"

"My wife is on Team Edward."

Kris Voy, Trinity

 

"Lucky for you...we're running the Teacher's Pet special."

Dave Voy, Trinity

 

"I see you've been reading too much Twilight."

Nick Voy, Trinity, age 10

 

1. You're a weird wolf!

2. I'll have to send you to a specialist, all my instruments are made of silver!

3. I told you to stop listening to that radio station 93.1 WOLF!

4. Stop walking him in that wooded cemetary!.

5. When you lie down with dogs you get fleas!

6. There is no cure for Howling at the Moon!

7. What do you mean where's the fire hydrant!

8. We need a urine sample, please use the marked tree out back!

9. We need a blood sample, our vampire is in the lab!

10. It'll never work,you two are incompatible!

11. Sorry, your sperm count is too low!

12. I'm not clipping those nails!

13. It's not HOWLoween!

14. Too many treats, I see!

15. Wolf, wolf, wolf!

16. How do you think the Wolf Pack will do this year?

17. You have canine flu!

18. Got fleas!

29. Spooky!

30. What do you mean you can't get your costume off?

31. Have you been eating human food again?

32. How long did you say you were on that deserted island?

33. Isn't it a little late for Halloween!

34. Take two aspirins and call me in the morning!

35. I don't do fang extractions!

36. Is this supposed to scare me?

Nancy Nelson

 

“Sorry Mrs. Easley, but Mike can no longer be treated under the revised standards for the state health plan.”

Donna Butterfield

 

1.) It creeps me out when he licks my face.

2.)No more Coors light.

3.)Well,if he was diabetic as a human he'll still need insulin now.

4.)Have you tried an invisible fence?

5.) I know your husband and this is a big improvement.

6.) The rabies tag hooks right on the collar.

7.) No more fighting with vampires.

8.) Have you tried purina werechow?

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

 (1) I understand your problem, ma'am, but I'm afraid the free spay-neuter clinic closed last week. Perhaps I could interest you in our groomingservices?

(2) I'm sorry, but you'll need to take that up with your congressman. We've been told quite definitely that the "public option" *doesn't* cover lycanthropy.

(3) Well, yes. In this case I guess there *is* a silver bullet for your situation.

David Wharton, Greensboro

 

"At least you'll save on Halloween costumes."

Carlee Shepard, Jamestown

 

"Sorry, I can't make him look like a Twilight werewolf."

"Sure, we can 'fix' your husband while the moon is full."

"Sorry, he's still not covered under your health insurance."

Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

 

"On the bright side, I know a casting agent for the next Twilight movie."

Beth Shepard (13), Jamestown Penn-Griffin School for the Arts

 

"You found it in your husband's lab, Mrs. Hyde?"

"It looks like a recessive family gene, Mrs. Wolf!"

"I've seen your husband. It's a family thing!"

"Moon howling, neck biting, sounds like a typical teenage boy!"

"Besides moon howling and neck biting, anything else unusual?"

"I don't treat large animals!"

"You say it happens every Halloween season!"

"He needs a physical for high school football?!"

"The mascot uniform was super glued on?!"

"Your family doctor wants a second opinion from me?!"

"Take him to the barber, dentist and tailor before I examine him!"

Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

"You're depressed because State is not winning?"

Carolyn Mitchell

 

1.) It's a good thing I took that continuing ed class in Transylvania.

2.) ..and try not to piss off anymore gypsies.

3.)...and try not to tick off anymore gypsies.

4.) I'll start the exam right after I change my pants.

5.) Hell hounds,Cujo,Dracula's dog,the creature from the black lagoon and now this! I hate Halloween.

6.) I know you like fine dining but real silverware is a big NO NO.

7.) I normally say no table food but in his case I'm not sure.

8.) Will you kindly tell Dr. Smith that I think a #$%& M.D. should examine him.

9.) I'm referring him to a Lycan specialist way way outta town.Yeah,that's the ticket.

10.) I'm referring him to the old gypsy across town.

11.)Ummm,nice doggie?

12.) Don't pay any attention to that man with the tranquilizer gun.

13.) You want to board him how long?

14.) I musta gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.

15.) I would feel more comfortable if he stands on all fours.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

"Yes, we told you it was the ideal small dog. We did warn you not to overfeed these Yorkies."

" lf you insist on a second opinion, he's ugly. "

" I suggest a treadmill...outdoor exercise would not be a good idea. "

"Remember, no more moonlight strolls or hair of the dog drinking."

"You stole her mouth? Now bring it here and I'll give you a nice big juicy steak!"

Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

 

"You sure the only change in Mr. Clinton is the excessive hair growth?"

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

 

"Look at the bright side, now he'll only go out when the moon is full."

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

 

"Like I told another Mom yesterday, it's the hormones in the chicken..."

Glenn Beckum, Summerfield

 

If he's your husband, are you really sure you want him fixed?

k. wright, Greensboro

 

1. Just let me get my cape and we can leave.

2. The Hair Club for Men meeting is next door.

3. "There wolf".

4. So, Rogaine does have side effects.

5. I can't cure him, but I can fix him.

6. I think we can bill half to insurance.

7. Thanks for doing this Steve; you'll be a hit at the convention.

Eric Grimm, Greensboro

 

Tim Rickard every October 31?

j wright, greensboro

 

" Did he eat the forbidden dog food?"

"You got to stop visiting those dating sites."

"Crooked teeth is not the only problem you got."

"Shame on you, he only a puppy."

"Okay, Halloween is over."

"Can you come back later. I got Catwoman on the table right now."

"Are you sure, are you sure? He's so young for 'That' operation."(use your imagination)

"Are you next to kin?"

" Talk about being married to an old bone."

James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

 

Like this? Since last Halloween. I should never have used Super-glue

I met this guy, Hyde ...

I keep doing disgusting things in the street.

I do not have an opposable thumb.- can you help?

I don't seem to fit in anywhere.

Our doctor said we should come to you.

My nine siblings look just like me.

I've always had a very deep voice.

My distemper is getting worse.

Keith Peddie, Greensboro

 

 “Well at least we got him out of the 'Sheep's Clothing'.”

"You didn't know that he was a wolf when you married him?"

"Don't tell me, "you really didn't know"."

"It would really help if you let him sleep inside."

"And, keep him away from the Kibbles & Bits."

"I'll let you know when that new flea collar comes in."

"Gee lady, your husbands really a dog!"

Chuck Norton, Reidsville

 

Go home and give him a flea bath and try to stop him from scratching.

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

No Ma'am, there is no such thing as howlingatthemoonitis.

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

"Oh, and he's got a little bit of mange."

"And I'd like to see him back in a couple of weeks.

"You can't be mad at him for killing, it's what they do."

"If he's going out only during a full moon, I'm sure it's just a phase."

"Next time use a rolled up paper, we don't want to break his spirit."

"And for gosh sakes don't let him drink another Coors Light."

"No, the shot won't change him but now, he just won't care."

"Well how much Rogaine did he use?"

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

You know he does look a lot like your husband Fred.

Don't worry lady we want undress him in front of any females.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

 

"Well Doctor, I think he drank a little too much of the hair of the dog....."

Lynda Garrett, Liberty

 

My Blue Cross just went up 11% too but he still can't use it here.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

1.) I'll take your word for it that he's running a temp

2.) Tell him to open wide and I'll throw the pill in.

Tim Tribbett

 

"No, I can't change back your werewolf husband, Mrs. Jones. But on the bright side, today is our half-off special on flea-dipping!"

Kevin Little

 

"I'm sorry Ms Riding Hood but this really IS your grandmother."

Paul Pearson, Brighton, England

 

I'm sorry but he can't use his Blue Cross here.

Tim Tribbett

 

The rash will clear up if you switch him to boxers.

A dentist friend waxed poetic over his pair of carnassials.

Just relax and enjoy him.

Don't worry, he's been fixed.

We're booked up for this year's full moons.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

1. “You may notice a higher pitch when his howls.”

2. “Your son should be fine, it’s just puberty.”

3. “Must be a full moon.”

4. “He may start howling again when he gets my bill.”

5. “Your kitten just asked to be placed in protective custody.”

6. “Sorry, I don’t have a ‘moon’ vaccine.”

7. “I just reviewed your test results. You have what is commonly called a ‘Halloween costume’.”

8. “Don’t worry, you’re in good hands - I went to night school .”

9. “Remember to wear moon block when you go out at night.”

10. "I recommend a breath mint."

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

"Have you noticed any other pecularities?"

"Just have a seat folks, I've just got two ahead of you."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just assumed it was a costume."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

"I don't think you need a vet, just back off of the Rogain."

"I knew I shouldn't have started evening hours."

"I don't think we studied werewolf bites in vet school."

Ken Cockerham, Greensboro

 

Who's next ?

What happened to that turkey who was next in line ?

Full Moon again, Huh ?

Which one of you is next ?

What makes you think the swine flu vaccine is responsible ?

Where did the rabbit go that was up next ?

Which Branch, Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, or Coast Guard ?

You say he's biting your head off alot lately ?

At least he's still vertical !

I don't see'em till they're on all four !

Went from Cub Scout to Wolf, Hum !

I'd say he's going through a life change !

You want a make-over, I guess ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

     

Wait here -- I'll see if he left his flip-flops in the examining room.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

"Then, he said, the better to bite you with, my dear?"

"So, Larry, you haven't felt fulfilled since you were the mascot at State?"

"And as for the tail, Mr. Blitzer, I suggest you dress left!!"

"For Halloween, you dressed in sheep's clothing?"

"First, big eyes, then big teeth and ears - now that too!!"

"Yes, I'm sure the full moon is no longer fun!!"

"Sure, but I'll bet now you'll get a discount at that great lodge in Concord."

"You probably should not have said, in lupus corpore transmuto!"

"Old age really is a bitch!"

"I'm afraid your insurance doesn't cover this."

"It's probably too late to neuter."

"Most extreme case of Lupus I've seen!"

"And now the bad news....."

"At least there are lots more roles in movies for you now."

"Thomas, you probably need more that a flu shot!"

"No mam, it's not contagious...as long as he keeps his mouth shut."

"Mr. Talbot.....take two bane and call me in the morning."

"I suggest a good razor.....at least a Mach XX!"

"Don't worry....the Lone Ranger dies a long time ago!"

"Except for that you're fine!"

"Even though there are a few side effects....We've cured your E.D.!!"

"Tell me more about this fear of Bob Seger."

"Mrs. Talbot, you say he's started sleeping in a granny gown and night cap?"

Mike Riley, Jamestown

 

On the bright side, Jack could become the host of "The Midnight Special."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

It sounds like you're seeing tapeworms.

2.) I can't cure him but I will update his rabies vaccine.

3.) PLEASE just bring a urine sample next time.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"And just yesterday, coming to work, a deer was standing right there."

"Fred? Fred Miller? You ol sonofagun I haven't seen you since high school."

"Did my assistant come this way? Pretty. Long neck. Faints easily."

"What's the matter, I thought I heard a scream."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

1) " Beats going bald !!! "

2) " I suggest getting him house broken, QUICK !!!! "

3) " It's the first time one of my patients drove themselves to their appointment. "

4) " The best I could do is give you a lunar calendar. "

5) " It has more to do with the toxic waste dump you live beside than the full moon. "

Joel Clark, Greensboro

 

37. I can't take your temperature, my thermometer has mercury in it!

38. This happens every full moon!

39. I don't have any wolfie treats.

Nancy Nelson

 

"This is the last time I take in a foreign exchange student from Transylvania."

"Watch the cholesterol, avoid silver bullets, and call me in a month."

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

 

1.) Party pooper!

2.) Saaaay Moses,how much would it take for you to" accidently" drop one of those tablets.

3.) You'll never get that thru Congress.

4.) You'd better check those with the editor first.

5.)Oh #$%& great! I was just getting ready to do some serious coveting of my neighbor's wife!

6.) Have you met my mother and father?!

7.)But my neighbors wife is really really HOT!

8.) Have you ever heard the term "kill joy"?

9.) Can I still covet my own wife?

10.)You're harshing my buzz dude.

11.) Is self coveting still OK?

12.) I asked you for two ASPIRIN tablets.

13.) Number eleven"Thou shalt give all thy beer to Moses" looks like it's been written in magic marker.

14.) First no ham and now this!

15.) But these don't fit my decadent lifestyle.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

1.) Hey,you can't put those in a public square!

2.) Don't even think about posting those in the public school!

3.) Is insider trading still OK?

4) I don't think we can add "the right to bear arms" Mr. Heston.

5.) The director wants you to lose the "take your hands off me you damned dirty egyptian" line Mr.Heston.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Couldn't you just say, " You lost them?"

Cal Sigler, Browns Summit.

 

"We thought you went for a pizza."

Charles Tanquary, Greensboro

 

1. Give me a break!

2. God said we had better not BREAK these commandments!

2. Heavy!

Nancy Nelson

 

"I am not traveling with you to Alderaan..."

"What is this Amway you speak of old man???"

"For the last time George I am NOT directing another Indiana Jones sequel..."

"Pear Pimples For Hairy Fishnuts?!?!?"

"You still hearing those 'voices' again, huh?"

"If you don't stop rearranging those headstones I'm shipping you back to Shady Acres..."

"You might be onto something with this 'Beer For Bibles' program..."

"Cash For Clunkers I get...Beer For Bibles...not so much..."

"Now WHO told you to do WHAT?!?!?"

"Did you proof read those?"

"I have two words for you...Spell...Check..."

"I thought they were supposed to be double spaced..."

"I May Have Already Won Ten Million Dollars?!?!?"

"You know...it would've been easier to just follow you on Twitter..."

"Take-Out Again?!?!?"

"There's an App for that..."

"Why didn't you just put the other 5 on the back and use just one tablet?"

"Can I just get 15 wallet size?"

"God D@!# It Dad...I Am Going To KILL You. Every Sunday It's The Same Thing...Will You Please Stop Stealing Those Stones Out Of The Neighbors Garden???'

"I saw smoke...is everything OK?"

"Are you sure that was just a bush you were burning up there <wink><wink>?"

"Sorry PC...I'm a MAC..."

"Sorry...you're a PC and I'm A MAC..."

"What the hell are Death Star Plans?"

"Hmmmm....Chinese or Italian..."

"The Anarchist Cookbook??"

"Might be a tad bit heavy for snowshoes, no?"

"Water Skis? Have You Gone Mad?"

"Your Flip-flop idea could use a little work..."

"Oh Great...ANOTHER Harry Potter?"

"Mary already emailed me us about all this stuff last Sunday..."

"I'm good. I already downloaded a bootleg copy from the internet..."

"I'm a little shaky on 7, 8, and probably 10 too."

"OK...so I talk into the old man's mouth and then pull up to the next window to pay right?"

Bob Mannary, Greensboro

                                                              

Just 10? Wait 'til Congress gets hold of them.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

Did you run those through Spell Check?

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

Mom said there should be one about kids picking up their dirty clothes and putting them in the hamper.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

Hope you're not taking those to the City Council Meeting !

What happens if I break the contract ?

Ever consider a condensed version, maybe a Golden Rule ?

Hi, my name's Charlton Heston !

What you got there, a movie script ?

See you've been on top of old smokey again !

Sorry, I can't read Hebrew !

I wouldn't go to court with that contract !

They're not so heavy  in your heart !

Follow me, I'm going to Bethlehem !

Sorry, but you're too close to our school !

Only know ONE that can fulfill that contract !

Heard they'll break you if you break them !

They go by a Constitution now !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

      

Who did you steal those ideas from ?

They'll never take you seriously !

Do you think you can get elected on that platform ?

Maybe you should just return them to sender !

You got to be kidding me !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

     

You've got a handful there, buddy !

What about my rights !

Your friend has some mighty high standards, doesn't he ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

1) "Only ten? That oughtta be easy!"

2) "More rules? I hate big government!"

Phil Koch, Greensboro

 

This new health care plan really is tough to figure out!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

Why do I not have pants on?

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

I wonder if Tim Tribbett will send in as many pictures as he usually does captions?

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

My back is killing me!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

"Twenty commandments, eh. Be careful with those."

Pete Dey, Jamestown

 

I'm sorry, Mr. Heston. I liked you better in "Ben-Hur."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Quick, hide them the ACLU is coming!

Larry Lapple, Greensboro

 

1.) Way to bring down a crowd there Moses.

2.) I just heard you take his name in vain when you dropped one on your foot.

3.)Wait until the ACLU hears about this!

4.) Well,there go3 of my hobbies.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro  

 

"I don't think you'll ever get enough Republicans or Democrats to pass it."

 Nelson Harrill, Greensboro

 

Do you see smoke on that mountain? You didn't just leave that bush burning, did you?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

"words in stone can break your bones."                                     

James O. Durham, Greensboro

 

I'm sorry, Moses. You're too late to submit captions for this week's contest.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

. . . and there's a golden calf down in the valley. 

Do we get to pick and choose?

Watch your step -- we wouldn't want to see them get broken.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

Can you just text them to me?

David, Reidsville

 

Are you sure he said "take two tablets and call me in the morning"?

Kent French, Greensboro

 

"Thou shalt NOT"? Ohhhhh.

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

1.  So let me get this straight, I can't sleep with Bernie's' wife?

2.  Uhh, Mosses, that's not how you spell shalt!

3.  You been playing with matches again?

4.  Took you long enough!

5.   Are there more on the back?

6.   Thanks for taking out the one about not cheating on your taxes.

7.   If you take out a couple of the "nots", it'll go over better back at camp.

8.   Have you lost weight?

9.   I suggest you take a bath before you try to roll-these-out.

10. We send you out for Chinese and you come back with this?

11. Wow. This is awkward. I mean Zipporah and I kind of thought you weren't coming back.

12. Mosses....you can't go around stealing tombstones and writing on them!

13. Don't you think 10 is over doing it?

14. Now when exactly do these all go into effect?

 

What about health care?

Jerry Kyle, High Point

 

"Honor your father and mother and Moses - You added the last part, didn't you?"

"You know, it's still not too late to get rid of the one about adultery."

"What does covet mean again...hmm...we need to talk."

"Apparently, I'm gonna have to make some serious lifestyle changes."

"We can't even covet thy neighbor's ox - seriously?!"

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

 

Are you sure he said for me to take two of these and call me in the morning?

k. wright, greensboro

 

I'm lost, could you give me directions ?

Sorry, we're in a deregulation era !

Sorry, federal property, you'll have to leave.

Is that the Revised or International version ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

4. Who does God think he is Our Father?!

5. Moses, where have you been, you missed the party!

6. I can't READ!

7. Rules are meant to be broken!

Nancy Nelson

 

But those would put alot of lawyers and polititions out of work !

You kidding, in a building full of lawyers & polititions ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

1. Four or five, maybe....but not ten! 

2. That's a great story , Moses, you ought to write a book. 

3. Moses, I think the thin air up on the mountain has affected your brain.

4. I'm calling my lawyer. You can't tell me what to do.

5. I think the city council should vote on it.

6. They'll never get okayed by the Supreme Court.

7, I understand that these are the second edition.

8. I believe these are the second printing.

9. It's all Greek to me.

10. Are you kidding me!!! Nobody will believe that cock and bull story.

11. Sorry, I can't read Hebrew. You'll have to ask someone else.

12. You really should hire an editor to take out some of the unnecessary stuff.

13. I think you just invented E-mail.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

 

That looks like a rock solid book you've got there, Moses

Iris Sheets, Greensboro

 

Free? I'll take ten!

Forty days and forty nights, and this is all you come up with?

Give me something I can use - please!

I heard of 'Take the tablets' but this is ridiculous!

Are they commandments or suggestions?

I like the hand-writing!

You look very pale!

I sense trouble!

Keith Peddie, Greensboro

 

1.) Boy,parting that one little sea really gave SOMEBODY a big head.

2.) You're like the ultimate teacher's pet.

3.) Geez,another setback for my Coveting & Hams business.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

"You carried those? Dude, I just downloaded them to my iphone."

Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

How about we call'em the ten suggestions?

Can we delete number two? I just finished making the golden calf!

OMG!

How about we start with just 3 and see how it goes?

At least Rickard could have made you look more like Charlton Heston.

Guess they are pretty much set in stone, huh?

Can we pick and choose?

Why didn't He just G-mail them?

Can I still covet my neighbor's WIFE'S ass?

Rules, rules, rules, always more rules!

Say what?

Now let me get this straight a burning bush actually talked to you?

I'll say this, God sure does a great power point presentation!

Moses, you surely are taking all the fun out of this "chosen people" idea.

It's this kind of thing that's gonna make us Jews feel guilty for a long, long time.

Good golly, Moses!

Mike Riley, Jamestown

 

Thanks Moses, but do you think He might send someone else someday who'll condense these ten down-say to two?

j. wright, greensboro

 

Do you expect those to make the top 10?

Fred Smith, McLeansville

 

Moses, I realize we asked you for a "hard copy" of the Commandments, but this is RIDICULOUS!

Tom

 

1.) I guess these rules are pretty much written in stone.

2.) I saw a chisel fall outta your pocket.

3.) Holy Moses! 4.)You're like the ultimate teacher's pet.

5.) Would you mind parting the lake so I don't have to walk around?

Tim Tribbett,  Greensboro

 

"Great, can I order them online?"

"Show me where it's etched in stone."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

1.) We have parchment ya know.

2.) Any loopholes?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Left name off previous email

Tom McCullough, Greensboro

 

I think I would leave off #11 "Thy shall not chew with thine mouth open."

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

I would leave off #11"Thy shall not chew with thine mouth open as it grosseth everyone out".

Where's the fine print?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro   

 

Could you define neighbor in numbers 9 & 10 please ?

The wife will love number 5 !

If they're free, we'll take all ten !

Does HE really think we can remember all ten ?

Did you forget your shoes ?

What ! You expect me to fetch your shoes and rod ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

Think HE gave us ten fingers & ten toes to help us remember them ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

All you got was a bunch of rules? Couldn't you get a road map or a GPS?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

I'm Detective Mahoney from the Cairo PD. We need to talk to you down at the station.

Ken Sheldon, Elon (Exodus 2:11-15)

 

Dude, that must have been like the ultimate Tweet!

Dean Tribbett, Va. Beach

 

1 .Letterman wants to know if he can read them.

2. There is bound to be a joke about this one day.

3. This is would make a great movie.

4.  Will those be available in wallet size?

5. I can't wait for the phrase "carved in stone" to catch on.

6.  I heard if you read them backwards, "you know who" shows up.

7.  I was hoping you were getting directions.

Eric Grimm, Greensboro

 

"Wait until the lawyers get hold of this!"

Susan Thompson, Reidsville

 

"You mean there are only ten!"

Susan Thompson, Reidsville

 

Would you part the sea again? I think I dropped my wallet.

Tim Tribbett

 

"What do you mean I have to obey all 10 of them?"

"Your spelling is terrible."

"If you want to narrow them down to 5, I won't tell anyone."

Frank Beamon, Greensboro

 

I get them all but number 11: "Thou shalt not Twitter while in Limbo."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

The path is crooked and treacherous; here are the directions for a safe journey.

Trip Brown, Greensboro

 

1.) I'm turning myself in.

2.)You're not the boss of me.

3.) I'm the fire marshall. There's been a report of a burning bush.

4.) Is farting and nosepicking still OK?

5.) You really need to get a hobby.

6.) I plead the 5th.

7.) Do we have to read them their rights first?

8.) I request to have a lawyer present.

9.) Are you going to carry those around all year?

10.) We bought you a GPS

11.) Will you part my hair for me?

12.) Looks like somebody I know is in BIG trouble!

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

1.) What's with the holier than thou attitude?

2.) We'll kill them if they break these commandments. OOPS!

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

Moses, you sure look stoned!

Nancy Nelson

 

1. Are 10 numbers all that you can come up with?

2. So what are we supposed to do with tablets that have nuumbers on them?

3. Tablets with numbers on them - what will the "higher ups" think of next?

4. Are we using these now instead of smoke signals?

5. I can't read shorthand.

Gerry McCabe, Greensboro,

 

1.) Uh oh, I think I broke about nine of them last weekend.

2.) Can I have your autograph Mr. Heston?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

I couldn't find my comb and I was wondering if you would part my hair?

Beverly Latta

 

Mo, you know our safety policy, steel toe boots with all heavy objects.?

"There?s no warranty on these so be sure not to break them."

So that’s what happened to the sacred ironing board.?

These are heavy, why don’t we start a Bible Blog?

Did you remember to save space for the “Help Wanted” classified that Noah asked for?

Didn’t you hear, we?re only going with 9 during this economy.

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

"I'll take two from column one  and three  from column column two."

Dea Aune, Greensboro

 

Caption - "Only 2 Commandments! Where are the other 8?"

Bob Fuller, Greensboro

 

"Only 10 commandments? C'mon, fess up, you broke some didn't you."

Bill Lawson

 

1. “Didn’t I see that ‘top 10’ list on Letterman?”

2. “Can’t we just say ‘What happens on Mount Sinai, stays on Mount Sinai?”

3. “Are you trying to get a reality show?”

4. “I’ll have a number 6 with a side order of coleslaw.”

5. “Don’t let the park ranger see you taking those tablets.”

6. “And you wonder why you’re never invited to parties.”

7. “Isn’t that setting the bar a little high?”

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

"Do you have two fives for a ten?"

sam Gordon, jamestown

 

"Is it too late to add 'Thou Shalt Not Wear a Fanny Pack and Black Socks.' ?"

"Dad wants to know if you can add 'Thou Can't Always Get What Thou Want.' ?"

CC Cockerham, Greensboro

 

Wouldn't it have been easier to just write them down on some parchment paper?

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

1)"OK, where do you want me to start?"

2)"Everyone needed a bathroom break."

3)How did you get here before me?"

4)"Do I just start out counting our use Alphabet order?"

5)"Tell me your favorite?"

6)"When is high tide again?"

7)"Are those the plans to re-model the boat?"

Christina Keller, Thomasville

     

This is multiple choice, isn't it ?

Is this HIS idea of a joke ?

You hoping to make the golden calf a Holy Cow ?

Do you really expect to replace the golden calf with this ?

Holy Cow ! Wait till the golden calf sees these !

Holy Cow ! Look out golden calf !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

1. "Can we pick and choose?!"

2. "Nice! Can I get a set for my tavern?!"

3. "Consider using 'should not' in place of 'shall not' for an easier sell!"

4. "Commandments sound harsh. Try 'Ten Suggestions'!"

5. "Your story might make a movie some day!"

6. "Did you run into a Monty Python crew up there?"

7. "Okay, I take these two tablets and see you in the morning!"

 Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

1) Commandment is such strong language.

2) I'm going to need you to fill that out in triplicate.

3) I would just drop # 11, " Thou shall have a single payer insurance ".

4) I can see maybe two of them becoming actual laws.

5) Did you inhale any of the burning bush ?

6) We already got a problem with # 2.

7) What if my neighbor's wife was asking for some coveting ?

8) Wouldn't an E-mail have done the trick ?

9) Do we have a grace period ?

10) He gonna wish he had banned reality shows !

11) Have you been talking to Letterman ?

12) If I was you, I'd remind them not to kill the messenger.

13) What's the penalty for non-compliance ?

14) What if we say " Simon Says " first ?

15) Can we get this in audio form ?

16) Can the states " opt-out " if they wish ?

17) You mean all of them at once ?

18) I thought you were going to get direction out of the desert.

19) There's a no amendment clause ?

20) Mind if I let my lawyer look this over real quick ?

21) Who died and made him..........nevermind.

22) Does that mean everyone's wife ?

23) You didn't get them notarized ?

24) It sucks if your name is Thou !!!

25) Just as long as you don't try to put them in front of the courthouse !

Darrell Clark

                         

1.) What ya got there,a shopping list?

2.) You could have made two trips.

3.) Need a hand old timer?

4.) It's been 10 years. I think you can put them down now.

5.) Some group called the ACLU wants to talk to you.

6.) You need to add being a smartass.

7.) I would honor my father if mom knew who he was.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

I'm homesick for Egypt.

Tim Tribbett

 

"Now take two of those and call me in the morning."

"Please tell me they're not etched in stone."

"So when do you start your book tour?"

"I'm going to wait for the movie."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

I'm tellin' ya Moses, if you really want this to catch on, you should call it God's Top Ten List.

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

"People do love a good top ten list."

Joel Clark, Greensboro

 

“I think there’s a typo in (Hebrew-looking characters wouldn’t reproduce)”

“Now I see why you made a D- in Biblical Hebrew.”

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

"Make sure it all conforms to the Biblical Hebrew Style Guide."

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

Commandments? We thought you said you were just going to mosey on up the mountain.

Kevin Haggerty, Summerfield

 

"Ok, I'll be right back with the Ten Loopholes."

Stephen Botts, Greensboro

 

Ok. My wife can NOT know number seven really is written in stone.

Stephen Botts, Greensboro

 

" I get my news from CNN."

The first hand held computer.

"Did you go back and check your story first."

"What is your source?"

"Can we take turns?"

"let's flip it.........oops!"

"Sorry, I didn't go to Bible study."

James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

 

 

 

 

1.)Owwww,pins and needles,pins and needles!

2.) I sure would like to try that new memory foam!

3.) Oh crap,it's late Tuesday night and I still don't have squat!

4.)Owww,fire in the hole!

5.)Where did I put those darn keys!?

6.) I do, I do like big butts! No more denial.

7.) I can't get that $%*& "It's a small world" song outta my head!

8.) I keep having that dream where I'm naked in public!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

I wonder were I can get some free clothes, its getting cold out here.

kisha mobley

 

I REALLY shouldn't have eaten that whole bag of bran muffins!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

"I sure wish those prunes would work!"

Kris Voy, Trinity

 

1) "I don't know why she was so upset, she did tell me to make myself at home!"

2) "To dress or not to dress....that is the question!"

3) " Brr, wonder where I left my clothes this time?"

4)  "Mmm, wonder what  I did last night?"

Jean D., High Point

 

Darn. Where did I put that remote?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

1. Think!

2. I should have asked her out sooner!

3. How can I get her back?!

4. Am I going to HELL?!

5. I want to be a real MAN!

Nancy Nelson

 

Where did I leave that darn fig leaf?

Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro

 

If I sit here long enough, I might remember what happened to my clothes

Mrs. Robert Connolley, Greensboro

 

And they said this modeling gig wouldn't last.

Pam Hart, Siler City

                                                              

Escargots for dinner? Oui? Non? Oui? Non? . . . .

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

"Uhoh, I think my Miralax just kicked in."

Brian Greene, Greensboro

 

Let's see... a fire hydrant talking to a garbage can... nah, just did that... two golf balls... nah, I've done that one too... How about two mailboxes?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

 From Robert L. Tysinger, Lexington

"Now, where did I leave my  clothes?"

 

 From Linda Tysinger, Lexington

"Chicken first or egg first? Fish  or cut bait? Too many tough questions!"

 

Unlike Letterman, I let my brain do my thinking.

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

1.GROCERY LIST: Milk, Sugar, Preparation H...

2.Sure hope the toilet paper is soft.

3.Thinking hard..Literally

4.Come on let's vogue..

5.I can't believe I let Venus talk me into this. What was I thinking?

6.Okay, now what was I thinking about?

7.I'm freezing my butt off.

8.I hate birds.

Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro

 

I think, therefore I am

Aristotle or American Idol, hmmmmm...

Mexican or Italian for dinner tonight ....

Ah, someone dropped their Sudoku...

I'd write a caption if I could move

I wonder if I'll ever win the Nobel Peace Prize.

Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough

 

"Washer and dryer, hummmm."

"I can't believe that guy asked for change."

"Rodin, what was he thinking."

"Ladies, no peeping."

"I could really use a leaf right now."

"Maybe I can get Meredith Vieira to stick a wet finger in my ear." (

watching too much tv)

" I hate winter and love summer."

"Let see, what's on the agenda tonight."

"Oooo, only if I could stand up I would give the clothes off my back, and  again......."

"Did I turn the iron off."

"What does it take to win one of these cartoon's caption?"

" Man, I would love a beer."

James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

 

Will global warming ever REALLY get here?

When will there be an outbreak of pigeon flu?

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

. . .lost my all my money, my house, my car, my clothes. Damned if I play cards with those guys at News-Record again.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

. . .is it i before e or e before i. . .?

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

. . .I think I can. . .I think I can. . .

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

"Why does Life have to be so complicated"?

Kimberly Ridgeway, Greensboro

 

. . .After my home loan, my cable bill, my phone, my electric bill, my car payment, my alimony, there's not enough left over for clothes this month. . .

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

"I've sat here for over a century and I STILL don't understand women."

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

 

Wish I had a magazine.

Mike Clark, Greensboro

 

Great Taste or Less filling?

Joel Goldstein, PhD. Greensboro

 

Wish I had an Alka-Seltzer

Peter Guthmann

 

6. I can't remember!

7. I forgot!

8. Thinking gives me a headache!

9. I can't figure it out!

9. At least I'm not a pillar of salt!

10. I'm not smarter than a fifth grader!

11. I'm cold!

12. I think I'll streak across this campus!

13. It's my philosophy think with your brains and not your heart!

Nancy Nelson

 

Boy, that was some party last night! Now, if I could only remember what happened...

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

"Ok, I'll just retrace my steps. I had my keys when I opened the front door. Then I went to the kitchen...."

Andew Blank, Greensboro.

 

 1.. "how in the world am I going to get home without anyone seeing me naked?"

 2.. "which one of the other homeless people stole my clothes while I was sleeping this time ?"

Michelle Grahamm, Greensboro

 

What to do next? I've run out of limericks.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

"where did I go wrong"

Sylvia Stacey-Parker

 

"I think it began with a J.... Jen, Jane, Joan. Hmm...I should have just asked her to write her name next to the number."

Andew Blank, Greensboro

 

1. "I've tried bran, prune juice, and 4 laxatives. What else is there?"

2. "To be or not to be....that is not a question!"

3. "Is the hokey pokey really what it's all about?"

4. "I sure am cold."      (attach frozen man pic)

5. "Where does Tim come up with these ideas?"

6. "Conjunction Junction what's your function..."      

7. "I'm not a philosopher, poet, or even a thinker...I'm a fricking bronze and marble statue!"

8. "YOU do the thinking and I'll just sit here."

9. "Some guys have all the luck..."

 

I think........I'd better stop gambling.

Carolyn Stafford Ford

 

&*%$* Pigeons!!!!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"If I could just remember where I put my clothes."

Dan Forney, Greensboro

 

John England, High Point

Where on earth did I put my clean underwear?

 

"...I lost my train of thought."

Aaron Mackey, High point

 

"Nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine. "One billion." "Here I come, ready or not!"

Bud Norris, Greensboro

 

Honey, would you bring me some more toilet paper?

Now where did I leave my keys?

I think I can, I think I can

Frank Beamon, Greensboro

 

Obvious title for this week's cartoon: "Cogito ergo sum"

Arnie Jonon, Greensboro

 

The Rodin estate has been disappointed in my "intellectual property"

earnings since the cancellation of the Dobie Gillis series in 1963.

However, my lawyer has a brilliant new plan to license my image for use on

the dust jacket of Sarah Palin's new book, Going Rogue. It should be perfect

with the overlay of just one symbol:

Tom McCullough, Greensboro

 

1.  Did she say leave the seat up or put it down?

2.  Why do those people keep staring at me?

Ronnie Mills, GSO

 

My world for a cushion!

I am cold, this rock is hard, and my rear is cold.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

 

"I wish I could remember where I put my clothes"

Stella Day Greensboro

Ronald N Day, Greensboro

 

I think I'm constipated

Fred Smith, McLeansvillle

 

Less filling or tastes great?

2.)Do I feel like a nut or not?

3.) I wish I had a magazine.

4.) I wish someone would chisel me out a Lazyboy.

5.) Woohoo,it's a bit nipply out today.

6.) Twitter,google,digg? What the #%$&* are those people talking about?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"Which way to get back to the nudist camp?"

Dan Forney, Greensboro

 

Who would think 38,769,541 people would say "Get off your duff, man"?

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

I really wish my wife would stop leaving the toilet paper roll empty!!

Jim Brewer, Greensboro

 

It would have never worked between me and Venus ... she doesn't have any arms

"If I only had a brain ..." I can't get that song out of my head.

Where is my Rememberall? (For Harry Potter Fans)

Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

 

The old Thinker set on a rock,

He didn't know how long

because he had no clock.

He thunk, and thunk, and thunk,

but all his thoughts just plain stunk.

My rear is cold,

and I am old.

I really need to go to sleep,

maybe I will try counting sheep,

and when I am rested and feeling well,

I will go to Best Buy and get a Dell.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

 

"This would be more comfortable in July!"

John Koppel, Greensboro

 

"Why does everyone think I'm a nudist? It's just a nice day!"

John Koppel, Greensboro

 

"That's what you think!"

John Koppel, Greensboro

 

"It's not a helmet! It's my hair!"

John Koppel, Greensboro

 

"What's for lunch!"

John Koppel, Greensboro

 

What should I wear today ?

She loves me, she loves me not ?

I think, therefore I am !

Where did I leave my clothes ?

Why can't my clothes time travel too ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

I wonder where they keep the toilet paper?

Lois Rankin, Greensboro

 

I think I need more fiber in my diet

Lois Rankin, Greensboro

 

"Where did I put those keys?!"

"Why am I always naked?"

"Why were pigeons created?"

"My back is killing me!!!

"My finger nails never grow!"

Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

Well the prunes evidently didn't work

What did I eat!

This stone is so uncomfortable

I'm supposed to be a thinker so why is my right elbow on my left knee!

If I only had a clothes closet .

Keith Peddie, Greensboro

 

I got nothing.

Gosh this stone is cold.

Don't bother me - I'm thinking

I should have never got Superglue on my hand

Billy Rocket

 

1. Now just where did I leave my chariot?

2. Think first, act second.

3. Now just where did I leave my Toga?

4. Damm, you would think they could put a seat on it.

Gerry McCabe, Greensboro

 

"If I only had a shotgun."

Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

 

Brains... Brains...

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Why do birds enjoy perching on me ?

Now where did I put my clothes while shinny dipping ?

Does a pigeon in my hair make me a birdbrain ?

Whatever made me think I was smarter than a fifth grader ?

How can I get rid of these pesky pigeons ?

This question is really a stumper !

Why do pigeons do that to me ?

Why are my thoughts always getting pigeonholed ?

This has me stumped !

What is it about me that attracts those pigeons ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

Could it be I'm becoming pigeon-toed ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

You've gotta be kidding. A limerick about a washer talking to a dryer?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Wish they'd put a sundial nearby so I'd know the time of day !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

Wonder whatever happened to Dobie Gillis and his friend Maynard G. Krebs ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

I sure do miss good ol' mom and dad.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Subprime mortgages! What the heck was I thinking?!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

1. “I hate laundry day.”

2. “I think, therefore I'm not a politician.”

3. “....I got nothing."

4. “I can't think straight - all those captions are upside down."

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

"I will never, ever, eat prunes and green apples again."

"Why does this always happen when I turn on the shower?"

"Note to self. Chisel out toilet slab into toilet bowl."

"I think I just sat on a stalagmite."

"They got my clothes and my wallet but I still have my dignity."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

That's the LAST time I go trick-or-treating as Michelangelo's David!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

"Is he ever going to get done with this painting?"

Wyman Taylor, Greensboro

 

"I can't believe my leg has fallen asleep again!"

Wyman Taylor, Greensboro

 

14. I can't THINK!

15. If I only had a brain!

16. I think therefore I am!

17. Why can't I remember?!

18. I got nothing!

19. Picture this!

20. All I have to do is sit here and look pensive!

21. It's a no brainer!

22. I feel so empty inside!

Nancy Nelson

 

Queen to Pawn 7, no maybe it's Bishop to rook 4. No that's not it. I know, BINGO!

Marcia Minsky

Member #8 and Communications Officer

for The Official Brewster Rockit Fan Club

 

I wonder why Cher has never been to see me.

I need a chair with a back -- heavy metal -- with "Endurance" on it.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

...must not forget our wedding anniversary's tomorrow...

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

"I can't go to Wal-Mart like this."

"Whither Twitter?"

Mike Hicks, Thomasville

 

"How does Will Ferrell keep getting work?"

"Did I leave the stove on?"

"I guess being called 'The Thinker' is better than 'The Constipator.' "

"That's the last time I pose for someone while sitting on the toilet!"

"Damn pigeons!!!"

Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

 

"Why do I even try? They never pick my jokes!"

"It's hard to think of something funny when you're naked."

"Perhaps I shouldn't have majored in philosophy."

Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

 

1.) Maybe a little prune juice would help.

2.) I think I can,I think I can......

3.) I've finally got it! No,I'd better think on it another 50 years.

4.) I just realized.....I'M FREAKIN' NAKED!!!!!!

5.) When I sit this way it makes my bicep look really big!

6.) If I EVER find out who put this #$%& super glue on my knuckles!!

7.) I think I feel a draft. 8.) Action is overrated.

9.) Eureka! I finally have it! We can drape fabric on our bodies to stay warm!

Tim Tribbett

 

If I ever find those rotten practical jokers I'll......

Tim Tribbett

 

Hmmm...was Kanye West right about Beyonce's video?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Let's see, I got the eggs, milk, bread and....oh no......toilet paper!

Dean Tribbett, Va Beach

 

Oh,I like big butts and I can't deny....

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

Ok,if the farmer leaves the fox with the corn and takes the chicken across first.......

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

"Why do they bother to make scented toilet paper?"

"If I catch the guy that put me in the ladies restroom I'm kickin' his butt!"

"If a tree falls in the woods and it lands on a mime does anybody care?"

"Ooops...excuse me..."

"Why are they called apartments if they're all stuck together?"

"Phew...was that ME?"

"I wonder what the speed of dark would be?"

"What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?"

"I wonder what happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?"

"Why aren't there parachutes under plane seats instead of floats?"

Bob Mannary, Greensboro

                                                              

1.) zzzzzzzzzzzzz

2.) Do I want fries with that?

3.) He rhymes "couldn't take one more step" with "bad news on the doorstep"?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

" I wonder what they'd do without facebook, myspace and twitter?"

[Venus De Milo Picture]

"Maybe then someone could make me a decent wife"

N. Jeffreys, City: Burlington

 

1) I think my feet are asleep.

2) This wouldn't be so bad if I had a newspaper.

3) I hate to admit it but I thought the kid was in that balloon.

4) Of all the names they could have called their group they pick Teabaggers.

5) Some people call me the space cowboy.....

6) If Rodin was a little steadier with the chisel I wouldn't have to sit like this !!!

7) This is the worst part of being the Hulk !!

8) Why do I keep getting arrested ?

9) Did I leave the stove on.

10) Man I really could go for some Big League Chew right about now.

11) I've got to get more comfortable furniture.

12) Why couldn't Rodin have chiseled me a Lazy boy ?

13) Should I add art to this are not ?

14) I hope I'm having one of those naked in front of the class dreams !!

15) The Thinker my foot, more like The Unemployed !

16) There's just some places a guy shouldn't be chiseled !

17) That cheese didn't taste right.

18) My hand smells funny !!!

19) The last thing I remember is saying just one shot then I'm going home.

20) Halloween is a week away and I have no costume.

Darrell Clark

 

I've been solving life's riddle for years, but do I get the Nobel price, NNOOOOOOO !!!!

Jim Brewer

 

...would a Speedo be too much to ask for?

...criminy, denied Mt. Rushmore because of my R rating

...thank goodness I wasn't on a Warnersville bench

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

...wonder what Dobie Gillis is up to?

Gray Amick, Greensboro

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

 

You kept the jokes clean this week (hee hee.)

Jr.s, schools, keep ’em coming!

And don‘t forget, I do birthday greetings right here. Just give me a few days notice and the birthday person’s name.

What do you do with all those socks anyway?

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

Why are you complaining? I do all the dirty work.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

 

“Are you as loaded as I am?”

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

She left me as soon as my warranty expired.

Lyn Nieri

 

I don't shout out stains. I try to reason with them first.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

When I'm done, care for a tumble?

Les Thomas

 

Some say I have a reputation as an agitator.

Michelle Davidson Ungurait, Oak Ridge

 

You complete me.

Tim Tribbett,

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

Boy, I wish she'd switch to disposable diapers!!!

Jessica Murphy

 

We were made for each other.

Mrs. John Sterken, Burlington

 

Can you believe they mixed the reds with the whites?

Zaira G., 5th grade Rankin

 

 

1. Deja vu!

2. Boo!

3. How scary is that?!

4.Didn't Tim draw that one last week?!

5. Eerie!

Nancy Nelson

 

As part of the settlement for originally failing to recognize Paul Anka as co-writer of the title track of the Michael Jackson compilation album “This Is It”, Sony has agreed to add two original Anka tracks to the album: “Puppy Love” and “(You’re) Having My Baby.”

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"No, it used to be Jess White and then it was Gordon Jump."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

Should I put ol' Snuggles thru another rinse cycle?

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

I prefer the piquant flavor of Palmolive . . . and I want an Official Red Ryder for Christmas.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

"Ancient Chinese Secret..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

 

"Did you hear? Barack Obama watched a college football game last weekend and today he won the Heisman Trophy!!"

"Did you hear? Barack Obama went to the movies last Saturday night and today he won an Oscar!!"

"OK...a priest, a cartoonist, and a ostrich all walk into a laundromat holding hotdogs..."

Bob Mannary

 

"I'll trade you my sardine sandwich for your wildebeast wrap."

Marilyn Obermeyer, Amherst, NY

 

Are you done with that Snuggie? Tim needs it for Monday.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

"Stop me if you've heard this one 'A fire hydrant & a trash can walk into a bar...'   .".

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

 

“I had a dream that you were a trash can and I was a fire hydrant.”

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

"Well...last week it was a fire hydrant and a trash can so I'm not surprised..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

 

“It’s a fact!” said our youngest son, Matt.

“When you’re cleaning a shirt or a hat,

Use the washer and drier.

They’re great for attire.

Don’t try them when washing the cat.”

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Really, too many to list

 

That kid leaves more skid marks than a formula one race car.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

I’ve had so much fabric softener I’m now on Viagra!      

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

Do you ever have that not so fresh mildew smell?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

“Boy if these sheets could talk!”

Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

“The stain on this dress is worse than Monica’s!”

Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

Ready for my load baby?

Dean Tribbett, VA Beach

 

Its not my fault the Maytag guy wants to service me.

David Graves, Browns Summit

 

"She's fine until the spin cycle...then it gets weird..."
"You ever get that 'Not So Fresh' feeling?!?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

It makes me feel weird when she leans against me when I'm on spin cycle.

Darrell Clark
 

We've got to keep our story straight about the missing sock!

Darrell Clark

 

Woo-hoo, that loose change tickles.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

"I think there's too much Starch in my diet..."

Bob Mannary, Greensboro

 

Washington Montessori School Jr. Entry

Hannaneh Mirmozaffari: Don't look! I'm taking a bath.

 

Thao Vi Thi Huynh: You look really dry inside!

Jordyn Drumwright: This detergent tastes good.

Jessica W.: How come you can see through me but I cannot see through you?

Alexis Witt: Do you come with a water hose, because you're getting hot.

 

Zaira G.: Can you believe they mixed the reds with the whites?

Chelsea D. Sosa: It's been a long time since we were parted at Sears'.

Brittany C.: Hey, get ready because my stomach is about to cough up some clothes.

L. Goodman: Try not to shrink the clothes this time.

Taniya S.: Aren't you always...hot?

 

Hayley Samulski: I've got soap and detergent coming out of my mouth and eyes, so I can't possibly imagine that you think that YOUR life is miserable because you are all dry.

Angel Nguyen: That lady had better be back soon. She didn't close me tight. Oh, no! I'm leaking!

Deja Headen: Did you put a red sock in me? 'Cause I'm turning pink inside.

TeAsia Holliman: Hey, you think you've got it bad? Every time I stop, they have to take the clothes out right afterward or I will smell.

Nahal Graham: Can you move over a little closer? I'm cold.

Jayna Patel: Hey, can you press the red button? I'm tired.

Mekensie Bostic: Why do I always have to wash the clothes? I'm getting tired of all the suds in me.

 

Zachary: I speak five different kinds of languages, but I don't speak gibberish.

Aprill A.: You are so lucky the family dries their clothes on the line with the wind now. I get the four-year-old's laundry every day full of some yellow juice!

A.J.: The clothes line is shutting you down.

Zachary: You're better off in the junk yard because the family hangs their clothes on the line.

 

"ya know...I wish my job was dryer!"

Charles Heafner, Asheboro

 

Some say I have a reputatation as an agitator.

Michelle Davidson Ungurait, Oak Ridge

 

Want to go for a spin with me today ?

You wash and I'll dry !

You make my temperature rise !

Why are you always so wringing wet ?

Am I your sunshine now ?

You job turns me on !

Can you guess what's my line ?

Do you think I'm having a hot flash ?

Do you think our problems can be ironed out ?

You're all wet !

Did you say our conversations are very dry ?

Can't you do something about that ring around the collar ?

Life is like alot of cycles !

Maybe we're both in our mid-life cycles !

I perfer inside work instead of outdoor, don't you ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

1. My head is spinning! 2. Would you like to go for a SPIN?!

3. Blow heart!

4. You're so full of hot air!

5. How long have you been DRY?!

Nancy Nelson

 

6. Wash up, Doc!

7. I'm loaded down with work today!

8. You know those grass stains are a pain to get out!

9. I've been in a tailspin all day!

10. Oops, my belt just wrong!

11. Be careful not to shrink her favorite sweater!

12. This was a heavy load, do you think you're up for the challenge?!

13. What's all the commotion about?! 14. I'm dizzy!

Nancy Nelson

 

"Oh, I am just all washed up!"

Jean Blake, Greensboro

 

1.) I think I'll snatch a few socks for my collection.

2.) Hey baby,wanna go for a spin?

3.)We make a great team!

4.) Did you see that idiot put the red shirt in with the whites?

5.)Woohoo, that loose change tickles.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

You always could see right through me !

Do you think I have a dry sense of humor ?

Could you bring me a dry martini, please ?

Are you looking for more than a working relationship ?

When did you become such a peeping tom ?

You need to dry up while I'm speaking !

I feel loaded !

I think this baby is ready to come out !

Don't you think this relationship is quite a soap opera ?

What makes you think I'm trying to come between you and the clothesline ?

I'll never let that clothesline affair come between us !

I'll never let our babies hang out with her again !

She can always go on line to find a new boy friend !

Be firm ! Tell her I'm in and she's out !  End of story !

Tell her to hang it up, I'm with you now !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

I am always employed first.                                                

James Durham, Greensboro

 

Ever wonder what it might feel like to percolate together ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

"You're hot!"

David Meyers, Greensboro

 

"Let's keep it clean."

David Meyers, Greensboro

 

"You'll wash whose mouth with soap?"

David Meyers, Greensboro

 

"You're full of hot air."

David Meyers, Greensboro

 

1."this is what happens when you say bad words."

2."those bargain soaps sure leave a bad taste in your mouth."

3."i sure hope she buys liquid detergent next week, the powder leaves me feeling dirty."

4."i sometimes wonder does she know what small capacity means."

5."does she over stuff you with clothes too?"

6."just once i wish she would remember to use the fabric softener, those clothes are murder on my insides."

Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro

 

Why are you complaining? I do all the dirty work.

You are one hot babe.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

 

When I was a kid, my mom used it every time I swore, so I just got used to the taste.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

You complete me.

2.) Did they ever clean that lint trap of yours?

3.)That little bear creeps me out.

4.) Should I put ol' Snuggles thru another rinse cycle?

5.) That kid leaves more skid marks than a formula one race car.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

No, I'm not up for a game of May-tag.

Today I'm Bold, but yesterday I was just feeling Cheer-ful.

Oh yeah? Well you're just full of hot air!

Ken Sheldon

 

Show me yours and I'll show you mine.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

What do you do with all those socks anyways?

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

Oh yeah?...try getting suds out of your tumbler!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

Watch her freak out when she sees that red sock in there!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

Boy, I can't wait until that kid gets out of cloth diapers!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

15. You're such a hottie!

16. She really turns me on!

17. Don't be so square!

18. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it!

Nancy Nelson

 

“When you use your ‘Gentle Cycle’ I just get all warm inside!”

Mike Henderson, Greensboro

 

Every time I open my #@!&^$ mouth, it gets washed out with soap!

Malcolm Macphee, Greensboro

 

Must be karma for the times Mom had to wash out my mouth with soap.

Was that word bad enough to get my mouth washed out with soap?

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

"Uggghh... you can breathe easy, my stomachs always lurching

Jordan Frye Age 10 Millis Road Elementary

 

"Don't blame me for that missing sock."

Rebecca Blomgren, Greensboro

 

"I may be full of hot air, but you are all washed up!"

Ed Greenawald, Greensboro

 

Your cute, opposites do attract!

Roger Howerton, Randleman

 

Want to go for a spin?

Rebecca McSween, Greensboro

 

You shake and I'll bake!

Isn't this working side-by-side romantic?

Aren't you glad we're residential and not commercial?

Do you think I enjoy picking up after you?

Without me you are nothing!

I'm glad we only do this once a week!

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington   

           

If I only had a way to open my spouts, I could fight back.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

1.)Dorothy has really gotten her wicked witch melting down to a science.

2.) They're shouting at the stains not us Mr.Sensitive.

3.) The spin cycle makes me dizzy.

4.)The spin cycle makes me a little queasy.

5.) She put in a ink stain. I'm not a freakin' miracle worker ya know!

6.)The wicked witch likes her clothes really really dry.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

I've had so much fabric softener I'm now on Viagra!

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

1. ...and then she told me I was all washed up.

2. Have you seen the new Spin Class instructor?

She left me as soon as my warranty expired.

Lyn Nieri

 

I am NOT all wet!!

Go out? No, I refuse to operate in public.

Have you got the hots for me, babe?

Frankly, I think you're just a lot of hot air

You know, we make quite a team.

Keith Peddie, Greensboro

 

I think I need to switch my spray and wash to decaf.

Next thing that lazy ass will be asking us to hang'em too.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

Calling me wishy-washy was a low blow!

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

Maybe switching to decaf spray and wash would stop my shaking problem.

Tim Tribbett, greensboro

 

1. I wash - you dry. Doesn't that seem fair?

2. Sooo, I have a sore throat.

3. I create suds - what do your create - lint - how good is that?

Gerry McCabe, Greensboro

 

Do you ever have that not so fresh mildew smell?

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

Even I don't know what some of those settings mean.

Tim Tribbett

 

1.) I don't shout out stains. I try to reason with them first.

2.) I don't shout out stains. I coax them out gently.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

Are you done with that Snuggie? Tim needs it for Monday.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Spray and wash ain't gonna get THAT out!

2.) I'm not sure she understands what "dry clean only" means.

3.) Sometimes I daydream that it's high "Tide" and I can feel the "Febreeze" in my face.

4.) The man needs a freakin' bib!

5.) Did you see him sniff that and take it out of the hamper?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

But Wait...There's MORE!

LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009

Marcia Minsky, Chair - LosCon 36

 

"Stop me if you've heard this one 'A fire hydrant & a trash can walk into a bar...'   ."

"Well...first you have to know what makes you hot, then think about it."

CC Cockerham, Greensboro

 

Do you ever feel like you're running in circles?

Lyn Nieri

 

Honest! I didn't know it was a bad word.

Barbara Cashman, Greensboro

 

Just think, no dirty laundry about you will ever be aired in public again !

Your hanging out alone days are over !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

"Best 80's song ... I'll Tumble For Ya"

"I like any music by 'The Spin Doctors'"

Jon Barsanti, Jr., Hillsborough

 

"Wanna get stacked?"

"Yeah, so what if your old roommate was a top-loader ..."

Jon Barsanti, Jr., Hillsborough

 

How's your lint sculpture coming along?

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

"It's a fact!" said our youngest son, Matt.

"When you're cleaning a shirt or a hat,

Use the washer and drier.

They're great for attire.

Don't try them when washing the cat."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

19. That sock sure tasted good!

20. That guy will never learn, he put his new red shirt in with his underwear!

21. I'm loaded!

22. She really knows how to push my buttons!

23. I don't know why she gripes so much, we do all the work!

24. When was the last time she bothered to clean your filter?!

25. Smelly, smelly, smelly!

26. I'm not a miracle worker, ya know!

27. Do I look a little lighter, I've been working out!

28. Heavy duty!

29. Boy we're getting a good workout today!

Nancy Nelson

 

Boy, I wish she'd switch to disposable diapers!!!

Jessica Murphy

 

1. "Get ready for a pink load. The idiot added a red tee to his wife's whites!"

2. "After washing his hunting lodge clothes, I'll need re-piping!"

3. "He left his wallet in his pants.At least the money won't be filthy anymore!"

4. "The kids threw the cat in.Get ready for one huge hairball l!!!"

5. "The kids put the bunny in..Get ready for a huge hare-ball !!!!"

6. "Boy if these sheets could talk!"

7. "Al Gore wants to replace you with a clothes line!"

8. "I found (out) my grandfather (was) a wash tub on Ancestor's.com!"

9. "I'd like to plug your vent!!!"

10. "Your vent stinks.What have you been drying?"

11. "The stain on this dress is worse than Monica's!"

Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 I liked number 8. Really went outside the box, but the wording was messed up –I added what I thought were missing words inside parentheses.

 

I prefer the piquant flavor of Palmolive . . . and I want an Official Red Ryder for Christmas.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

"You're a recovering sockaholic?"

Kris Voy, Trinity

 

1. “Having you next to me always gives me a warm feeling.”

2. “You always could see right through me.”

3. “Are you as loaded as I am?”

4. “You complete me.”

5. “How come every time I get an upset stomach, you get a fever?”

6. “I had a dream that you were a trash can and I was a fire hydrant.”

7. “I’m shaken - are you baken?”

8. “Sorry, but your next load is going to be about 90 percent lint.”

9. “Don’t you ever get thirsty?”

10. “I just don’t get your dry sense of humor.”

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

I thought that was a distant mountain but it turned out to be a pile of stinky socks.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Caption entry for cartoon: alligator and lion on park bench:

"I'll trade you my sardine sandwich for your wildebeast wrap."

Marilyn Obermeyer, Amherst, NY

 

1. If I get one more load of dirty diapers I will scream.

2. It's not easy being the washer in a maternity ward.

3. Watch it! I saw you staring at that younger washer.

4. Sure wish they would make chocolate flavored detergent!

Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

 

"Stop agitating me."

"How did you get lint in your bellybutton?"

"No, it used to be Jess White and then it was Gordon Jump."

"You think it's a nickel? I think it's a dime."

"Listen, if we're going to kiss, you better switch me over to delicate."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

Ready for my load baby?

Dean Tribbett, VA Beach

 

When I'm done, care for a tumble?

Les Thomas

 

And then she said he was all washed up like it was a bad thing.

Diane Bishop, Greensboro

 

"She's fine until the spin cycle...then it gets weird..."

"You Turn My Stomach!"

"Whatever I ate last night doesn't seem to agree with me..."

"You ever get that 'Not So Fresh' feeling?!?"

"I'm queezy ALL the time..."

"Well...last week it was a fire hydrant and a trash can so I'm not surprised..."

"OK...once more...Who's on first...What's on second...and I Don't Know is on third..."

"The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round..."

"I think there's too much Starch in my diet..."

"I think you and I should iron a few things out..."

"This?!?!? THIS makes you all hot and bothered?!?!?"

"I got their Dry Clean Only right here...BaddaBing!!"

"Ancient Chinese Secret..."

"Well, first I heard a bunch of Shouting but then he Wisks her away to the Ivory coast. He wanted to get there before the Tide came in. It was a Bold move if you ask me. I'm not sure what he hoped to Gain from all this but today there seems to be more Bounce in her step and they Snuggle all the time. Hopefully it ends up being a Fresh Start for both of them!"

"Did you hear? Barack Obama watched a college football game last weekend and today he won the Heisman Trophy!!"

"Did you hear? Barack Obama went to the movies last Saturday night and today he won an Oscar!!"

"Martha Stewart called...she's not amused..."

"You...Spin...Me...Right Round Baby Right Round Like A Washer Baby...."

"OK...a priest, a cartoonist, and a ostrich all walk into a laundromat holding hotdogs..."

"Well I DVR'd this show called SCRUBS and boy was I disappointed"

"It could be worse...we could be Avacodo Green!"

"It was the OxyClean I SWEAR!"

"Remember that new red sock that went missing last week...watch this..."

Bob Mannary, Greensboro

 

You're hot, my stomach's churning -- it's THE FLU!!!

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

Its not my fault the Maytag guy wants to service me.

You used to hit all the right buttons.

I can't help it ..our owner turns me on.

You can tell me. What do you really do with their socks?

David Graves, Browns Summit

 

1) We've got to keep our story straight about the missing sock !

2) It's so weird. There's never any lint on them when they put them in.

3) It makes me feel weird when she leans against me when I'm on spin cycle.

4) You know you can be replaced with a colthsline .

5) Do you think I have a shot at a date with the microwave ?

Darrell Clark

                                                  

"I do all the dirty work and you get all the credit!"

"Why is his underwear always so bloody?"

Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

 

"I'm in hot water and you're getting a lot of static."

"I like to put my own spin on things."

"Sorry for all the rust I've caused you."

"What's prong with you?"

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

" Welcome, the other guy was all dried-up."

"Okay, it time for one of us to break down."

" Boy, you got some nice lingerie coming your way."

" No, that not my stomach rumberling."

 James E.Ferrell, McLeansville

 

 

Dog approaching at 3 o'clock. Execute plan 6-2 alpha go, go, go !

2.) As far as dogs go, if you watch my back I'll watch yours.

3.) I'm telling you this as a friend. You have a body odor problem.

4.) Did you get that dog's tag number?!

5.) If one more person tells me I'm built like a fireplug....!

6.) Of course you feel empty inside. The garbage truck just came doofus.

7.) PEEE-EEWWW, what the heck did they just put inside you?!

8.) Would you mind closing your lid?

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

You'd be a much better athlete if you didn't do so much trash talking.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

"So what if you're getting a little stinky (from their trash), dogs pee on me.

Ronnie Phillips

 

I'm getting worried. What was Rickard doing when he got the inspiration for us?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

For the Noah's Ark type cartoon:

I thought you were gathering the females.

Patrick Nichols, San Diego, California

 

The Worst? Labradors, Shepards, and Collies. . .

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

If I only had a way to open my spouts, I could fight back.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

I have connections, you know!

I am not shallow!

Ah! but I'll have you know I have hidden depths

I could blow my top for you

Let's roll around a bit

Keep your lid on!

Keith Peddie, Greensboro

 

"I'm full. How about you?"

Brian Clarke, 14, Greensboro

 

That's just between you and me, okay? So keep a lid on it.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Have you tried a grouch exterminator?

2.) Have you tried a grouchercism?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

This is the worst blind date EVER!!!!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Watch out for the Sheppard...he's got a bladder infection.

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

Doesn't Oscar's fur tickle?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

I guess with all the dogs in the neighborhood, you could call my brothers and me peons.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

1. "MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT, IT IS BETTER TO BE P*SS*D OFF THAN P*SS*D ON."

2. "WHEN I SAID PUT A LID ON IT I DIDN'T MEAN LITERALLY."

3. "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT BUDDY".

4. "JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO SQUIRT BACK".

5. "NO WE ARE NOT GETTING A DOG".

6. "WANNA PLAY SCRATCH AND SNIFF?"

PAULA R. HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

 

Oh no! Here comes that pack of dogs again.

I'm sorry Carl, I just have this thing for Firemen.

Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, Florida

 

"The Center for Disease Control has announced the H1N1 flu pandemic is over, staved off mainly by the willingness of the population to repeatedly wash their hands to contain the spread of the virus. In other health news, psychiatrists around the country are reporting a spike in the number of cases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a symptom of which can be that the person affected repeatedly washes their hands."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Have you tried a grouchorcism?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

1.) When I take a walk the parked cars magically get little papers on their windshields.

2.) The guy was looking at a piece of paper on his windshield and yelling at me!

3.) Wanna see me make that guy get a ticket? Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"You have to take a lot of trash but consider my predicament!"

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

 

THANKS FOR HANGING OUT WITH ME

Mary Williams, Lexington

 

Are you always so full of garbage ?

Sorry to be the one to tell you, but you have bad breath !

I'm able to keep this job only because of my connections !

You can leave anytime, I've got to stay !

You've really helped clean up the block, kid !

He only sniffs you, I get his spray job, if you know what I mean !

 

I play golf too, but I hate doglegs !

Keep your lid on, kid ! Maybe he'll just sniff both of us this time !

Look out ! I can't hold my water much longer !

Peewee says he does it because I'm one of his teritory markers !

Long as I'm here, no car will ever block your view !

Dog gone ?

The pitbull calls it the mark of the beast !

Your predecessor was canned after only a year of service !

My job is 24/7. That's why I'm permanent and you are temporary !

I feel more flushed than empty after my check-ups !

You got a bad case of BO !

I'm feeling a little dehydrated after standing here all day !

We could sing, " Brighten the Corner Where You Are " !

It's OK, I've got plenty of friends of in low places !

He always gives me the hind leg when he walks by !

Which is worst, me getting the spray, or you getting the scoops ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

Sorry dear but you're just too trashy to take home to mom.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

You think you got it bad? Only thing dog's do to you is, justknock you over & see what you got inside you. In my case dogs use me for a bathroom,so count yourself lucky brother.

Mike Greeson Greensboro

 

1.For the last time I'm not your Dad and I've never even met a wicker basket!

2.) Uh oh,trash police.Better hide those plastic bottles!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Nausea? Could it be something you ate?

2.) Garbage in,garbage out. 3.) If I tell you a something can you keep it under your lid?

4.) Dude,you're not a teenager.You can't keep eating like that.

5.)Ok,I promise to put you out if hobos start a fire.

6.) Sorry pal,I don't have any Pepto.

7.) Upset stomach? Fred, they just dumped rancid hot dogs and chunky green milk into you!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Maybe you could get a grouchorcist to perform a grouchorcism.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

You're really trashy Sally. That's why all these guys keep dumping you!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"Min-Pins are one thing - Great Danes really P*&& me off"

"All your trash talking is making me blush."

"Red ... I should be Green and white to match the N&R masthead."

"I just got a note from my 'doctor.' He is going to 'flush me out' this Friday."

"Put a lid on it."

"Wolfpack Red ... I want to be Carolina Blue"

Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough

 

"I got a fresh coat of paint to Celebrate National Fire Safety Week - What did you due to celebrate" (October 4-10)

"Tim remembered an appropriate theme for National Fire Safety Week. Could he remember National Chicken Month was September?"

Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough

 

1) O.K., here's the plan. I take the little canine out & you hide the body.

2) I've had about enough of your trash talk!

3) Could you please take a step back? Those diapers are getting a little ripe.

4) No offence, but what have you been eating???

5) Good lord man! Your breath would knock a buzzard off a carcass!

Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

 

I'll flush the place if you will collect the debri.

Yeah!!! We can do the job together.

We'll have to watch for dogs and can kickers.

John Collie, Reidsville

 

"How did you know I was cold?"

"Why do you think I have triplets?"

"Why of course they're not real."

"C'mon, give us a hug."

"Why do you keep staring at my valves?"

"I'm always feeling like I have to go."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

1.)Whoa,no offense whoever you are but I must have been really drunk last night!

2.) Waking up after these one night stands is getting kinda scary!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"You can play but watch what you say to the other team."

"You mean they try to push your lid inside you knowing it's a smaller diameter?"

"You should have been here Tuesday during recycle day."

"Hey look, I just joined the one million gallon club."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

1. Sooo, it's Halloweeen.

2. Is that your Halloween costume?

3. What - I hurt my neck.

4. So, I have a stiff neck - what's your complaint?

5, Did I forget my tie?

Gerry McCabe, Greensboro

 

The Greensboro Fire Department came around last week -- that's why I look flushed.

Joan Lux Greensboro

 

"I tell you, without all those recyclables, you look ten pounds lighter."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

"Seems like you get dumped every week."

"We're classy ladies. Why do we attract all the dogs?"

"You DO have a lot of baggage. You just hide it all inside."

"Hold the sob story. I endure the same indignities seven days a week."

"Couples counseling isn't working. I'm still passive and you're always flipping your lid!"

Kris Voy, Trinity

 

Just once, I'd like a hose on my outlet to wet that dog down !

At least the cats look for a sandbox !

Do you think I look like a urinal ?

I don't which is worst, your possum or my dog !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

"Quit your complaining; at least you don't get used by Dogs."

Keenan Coleman, Greensboro

 

So people always tell you that you smell.....Waaaaahhh, Waaahhhh. Wait until you see what happens to me when this dog comes by - then remind me of how bad you've got it. Gimme a break!

Brian Tyler, Greensboro

 

"Hey buddy, my eyes are up here."

Kristin Mills

 

Maybe you could get a grouchorcist to perform a grouchorcism.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

" Don't give me that Pee story again."

"I'm waiting for that cute female fireman to unscrew me."

"Stop all the trash talking."

"Your breath stinks, man."

"Have you seen my man, Big Dumpster, lately.''

"Either I had a wet dream or a dog came by late last night."

James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

 

"I tell you, without the recyclables, you look ten pounds lighter."

"I told you those soda bottles were nothing but empty calories."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

I was originally a part of the "Two Guys Named Chris" logo, but I got cut.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Why are you always trash talking me ?

Can you move down wind please ?

How do you handle having a gut check every week ?

Why do you always want to dump your problems on me ?

I do my best work under pressure !

I can handle pressure better than you any day of the week !

You can't stay here ! This is a no parking zone !

Because of me, you'll no longer be an easy pick-up here !

What's wrong, you're looking down in the dumps ?

I hear you got friends in low places !

Move on, nobody is allowed to park here but me.

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

     

Phew !  Did you forget to take the garbage out last week ?

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

I keep telling you, if you want to talk don't go "psssssssst" it freaks me out!

Dean Tribbett, VA Beach

 

1.)SNIFF, Geez Fred,when's the last time they dumped you?

2.)You're trashy Rhonda and that's why guys dump you!

3.) If you pull out the grouch make sure you get the head or it'll get infected.

4.)What's got into you lately anyway?! 5.) You just don't understand the pressure I'm under.

6.)Oh geez,please tell me I remembered to use protection!

7.) No dear, I'm not ashamed of you. Quick hide!!!!!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Of course I'm not ashamed of you sweetie.Now get back under the tarp!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro         

 

1. “If you’re the Tin Man, tell Dorothy to keep Toto away from me.”

2. “I’m more of a cat person.”

3. “Agent 86, is that you?”

4. “Uh oh! That Great Dane has a strained look on his face.”

5. “You mind covering me, I appear to be a little short.”

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

who you lookin at trash mouth?

Nasrin R

 

How do you keep any self esteem after getting dumped each week ?

It's kind of sad watching you get dumped each week !

It's not the outside, but what's inside that counts !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

1."Let's play Kick the Can!"

2."It's true..You're being replaced by an eighty gallon flip-top!"

3."Keep your lid on.It's dead fish day!!!"

4."I appreciate your problems with raccoons. It's dogs that drive me crazy!!!"

5."Thirsty???"

6."Next Tuesday is Flush Day.And believe me you need a flush!!!"

7."You're right no one appreciates our services!!!"

8."Stop complaining.at least you get to move back into the yard!!!"

Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

Phew!

2. Life stinks!

3. Someone forgot the Hefty!

4. We need to be hosed down!

5. Im p*ss*d on! 

Nancy Nelson

 

Asparagus??? Sparky ate the asparagus???

Douglas Booth, Sophia

 

My tank reads: F AS IN FULL I'm leaking.

Taniya S. Jr.DIVISION

 

"I think I can.  Get it?  I think I can.

 Jim Hoskins, Greensboro

 

"I'm tired of your trash talk."

Jack Hoskins, Age 12, Greensboro

 

So how is that no plastic diet working for you?

 David Graves, Browns Summit

 

1. "Frankly, we could both use the power of Pine Sol!"

2. "I don't know what that last dog ate, but my paint is peeling!"

3. "...then she said, "henceforth this shall be called the poop deck"."

4. "At least you have a liner!"

Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

 

I’m not in the mood to talk trash.

That discarded candy wrapper deserved to get canned.

I usually get picked up once a week on this corner.

Today’s not pick up day so don’t blow your top.

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

 

Are we there yet?

Linda Willard, High Point

 

We need a cleanup on deck two.

2.) It smells like a zoo around here.

3.) I think I'll just stay up here in the fresh air.

4.) Where's the Ladies room?

5.) Have you seen the pooper scooper?

6.) I see you came up for some fresh air too.

7.) Sooo,who did you get to cleanup after them?

8.) We can just have the monkeys fling theirs overboard.

9.) Dear,did you notice that you only brought one unicorn?

10.) I don't think that freakin' dove is ever coming back!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Are you still hearing voices?

2.) If it hadn't rained I was going to have you put away.

3.) Good call on this ark thing dear.

4.) He said for you to get a hot young wife?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"Did he just say 'AFLAC' ?? "

CC Cockerham, Greensboro

 

"He didn't even say where we're going?"

Cal Sigler, Browns Summit

 

"Are you sure mosquitos were on the list?"

Cal Sigler, Browns Summit

 

It's probably too late to let you know I'm allergic to animal dander.

You really should have put in better ventilation downstairs.

I didn't see the unicorns get on. Did you?

When the storm lets up, all these animals are going back to the Atlanta Zoo.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

You booked a pair of skunks in our stateroom? I think NOT!

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

And who do you think is going to have to clean up after them? Not me, that's who!

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

How stupid! You remember the hellatious Tasmanian devils but forget the cute pair of unicorns. . .

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

1) Thanks to the platypus we now know you can't put ducks and beavers together !

2) Wait till Darwin has to explain our platypus.

Darrell Clark

                                      

"So, where's the pooper scooper?"

Mebane Ham, Greensboro

 

"Stop feeding beans to the camels."

Sharon Shepard, Jamestown

 

We've gotta go back - the elephants said they forgot to pack their trunks.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Double or nothing.                                                         

James Durham, Greensboro

 

"You've got a registered letter from the Sinai Sanitation Department marked URGENT."

Royce H. Riddick, Greensboro

 

Here is my entry for the jokes on you:

Noah, are you SURE you have 2 of a kind?

Debra Cook, McLeansville

 

"The galley's full of cockroaches."

Charles Tanquary, Greensboro

 

Who farted?

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

Where Politicians came from................OK, we forgot the second Goat and Monkey. NOW what?

Dean Tribbett, VA Beach VA

 

"We forgot to bring unicorns and dragons."

"We forgot to bring unicorns and dragons and I can't find the bigfoot."

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

 

So ! Is this your idea of a Love Boat ?

Males starboard, females port, so boat won't rock !

I'll always be your first mate, Captain !

I told you we could use more trunk space !

Why can't you be like Moses, he always walked on dry land ?

That pair of wooodpeckers could sink the whole boat !

It's bottoms up, if we don't find those two woodpeckers !

Bad news, those two termits are at it again !

There is a reason HE said male & female, Noah

Don't look now, but that's two male elephants !

Let's rock the boat, baby !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

"Hi...I'm your local Geico agent..."

"All I asked you to do was take out the trash..."

"What the heck is a GPS?"

"A dog house. All I asked you to do was build Scruffy a dog house..."

"Will you PLEASE just ask for directions?!?!?"

"Well...all the Giraffes have sore throats, the Llamas are won't stop spitting on the Chipmunks, and we're all out of Miracle Whip!"

"You got peanut butter in my chocolate..."

"Looks like your friend request was accepted."

"Now WHO told you to build this contraption?!?!?"

"When I said I wanted to retire to Florida and take up sailing this wasn't what I had in mind..."

"Are we there yet?"

"Did you mention the 'No Cross Breeding' rule before we set sail??"

"I think I left the coffee pot on..."

"Couldn't you have just bought an umbrella instead?"

"Do you think we'll make it in time for Desperate Housewives?"

"Next time try the train..."

"Look PT...I don't know what this circus thing is your taking about but I don't like it."

"My turn! I spy with my little eye..."

"Wow...this much rain makes me wonder why we moved to Greensboro in the first place..."

"You'll do anything to avoid visiting my parents won't you?"

"Have you SEEN what the Gorilla's are doing with the Gerbels?!?!?!?!"

"I don't know about you but I think this whole 'religion' thing is a little silly..."

Bob Mannary, Greensboro

P.S. I missed a great caption for last week. I'm sure you'll get it...

"Well let's see what my 'Anxiety Closet' has in store for me tonight..."

                         

They're on lookout for Jaws !

They 'd like you to sing Anchors Aweigh, dear !

They can't sleep after you read them Moby Dick !

I call them my rainbow coalition !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

"Who has bathroom cleanup this week?"

Jacki, Greensboro

 

UMM.. I THINK WE FORGOT NOAH

TAHA MIRMOZAFFARI

 

"Oh no I forgot to update my twitter before we left!"

Ian Dovan, Greensboro

 

1. Did anyone take roll call? I think we are missing a "twosome".

2. I've heard of 20 people in a VW Bug but this many in an ark is ridiculuous.

3. Being this crowded, how can we ever go to the bathroom?

4. And you thought Katrina was bad.

Gerry McCabe, Greensboro

 

The family decided they'd rather go to the water park instead.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       L.Moore, L.Moore, High Point

 

"My bad, Noah. From here out, after we finish up the unicorn stew, it's salads only."

Kevin Little

 

uh Dad...major problem...the pooper scooper is lost.

 

Did the lounge lizards make it aboard?

When does the midnight buffet start?

I take it dinner's on the hoof.

Where are you hiding the male of my species?

The giraffes keep peeking in my transom.

The brochure didn't say I'd have to share a shoe closet with horses.

The zebras aren't the best specimens -- their stripes are wiggley.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

The geckos keep bragging about the money they made selling flood insurance.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

Peee-ewww, this would be a good place for a stick up.

2.) Are you sure you got the cubits right?

3.) I'll know better next time you say we're taking an exotic cruise.

4.) We shouldn't have put the ducks and beavers so close together.

5.) Ok dear, whatever floats your boat.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

 

"I think we should throw the mosquitoes overboard."

Bob Fitzsimons, Greensboro

 

"I know He said two, but there are at least 16 rabbits below deck."

Willa Gold, Reidsville

 

Well, if I find me a wife, can I stay?

Marcia James, Jamestown

 

1.) I think I've been pretty understanding but I draw the line at cubit zirconium.

2.) Ok, I admit you were right this ONE time.

3.) Please tell me you're not still hearing voices.

4.) Yes dear, we did need the rain.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"What did I tell you, Monkey? This isn't a Singles Cruise!"

Wade Tanico, Greensboro

 

Sure hope you brought a shovel, Noah !

Why complain, we're all in the same boat !

You were right, glad I didn't miss this boat ride !

Guess two heads really are better than one !

This cruise for couples was really a good idea, Noah !

Don't you think it's more fun traveling in pairs !

Who designed this boat anyway ?

Those giraffes really have a heads-up over the rest of us !

Guess what, I forgot our umbrellas !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

This better be the last thing on your Bucket List !

Whose turn is it to waters the critters !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

I don't care if she's single, you should've ask Elly Mae Clampett too !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

"What do you mean we forgot the Unicorns?! Are you sure?!"

Doug Clayton, Mcleansville

 

"I told the skunks there would be another ark in 15 minutes."

Nancy Stevens, Jamestown

 

Wow,some of those sinners can really tread water.

2.) Look at all the synchronized swimming down there.

3.) Speak up! I can't hearing you over all the farting.

4.) Good thing you asked him to repeat that "build a park" command.

5.) I think you have something on your sandal.

6.) I think I just stepped in something.

7.) Was it really necessary to bring the ducks?

8.) I think you're just making stuff up now.

9.)Did you put the cooking fire out before we left?

10.) I said you were right. Please stop gloating.

11.) He didn't mention a sail or some type of rudder?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"Now remember, tonight's our date night."

"Bobo wants to know if you want cheese on your burger."

"They want to know if there will be a show."

"Oh my gosh, did you remember to take the movies back?"

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

"For heaven's sake, now I know why they call this the poop deck."

"If you're going to shoot skeet again, I'd better bring in the giraffes."

"I just wish the smaller, tastier animals could have been here to see this."

"Now don't just stop at the first place you come to."

"Have you noticed the cheetahs with their "holier than thou" attitude?"

"Is this the line for the buffet?"

"Tell Gopher I want to see him on the Promenade deck."

"Why in the world are Charo and the Landers twins on here again this week?"

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

Noah says, "All on Board Mate?"

Have you taken a head count tonight, Dear?

Nancy Collie, Reidsville

 

1.) You could have made the ladies room a few cubits bigger.

2.) I don't think "Monkey Business" is an appropriate ship name.

3.) Where is all the help to clean up the manure? Dear?..Why won't you answer me?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Curses! I forgot the Unicorns.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

 

"I think we need a bigger boat!"

Lorraine Moretti, Burlington

 

"Are We There Yet?"

Jim Pitcher, Greensboro

 

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Derek Bourgeois

 

"You better find land very soon - we just ran out of litter boxes."

Wil Courter, Greensboro

 

"Did you enjoy the monkey and goat meat pot pies we had for lunch today, dear?"

Wil Courter, Greensboro

 

On Saturday I submitted a caption that I'd like to change slightly if possible---

Correct caption should be--

"I think we should throw the two mosquitoes overboard."

Bob Fitzsimons, Greensboro

 

1. How can you remember two of everything else and forget one freaking shovel?

2. You forgot to fix them a place to do WHAT?

3. Noah!! What do you mean you forgot the shovel?

4. Did I bring a shovel? No, why do you ask?

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

 

1,) You might want to keep the woodpeckers away from the hull.

2.) We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

Mt. Ararat or bust!

Hey Noah, where's the poop scooper?

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

"Pirates?  No, I haven't read anything about Pirates."

"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip..."

"What do you mean you never got the permit for indoor plumbing!?"

"I don't care if I don't sound like Judy Garland, I want to sing!"

"Somewhere over the rainbow..." 

 David Holley, Greensboro

 

"When you said 'cruise vacation', you left out a few details."

 Julie Gentile, Oak Ridge

 

Quick...they need you down below....the hyenas are at it again!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

"Henceforth this shall be called the 'Poop Deck' "

Jeanette Bowling

 

Just once can you book a cruise that doesn't allow pets?

David Graves, Browns Summit

 

Guess we'll just have to home school the kids now !

The only school bus we're likely to see is Columbus !

Since we're travelling in circles, why don't we call it the Ringling Circus ?

I've got them all watching for icebergs !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

"I don't remember you saying, 'Bring your wife!' "

Bill Crawford, Greensboro

 

1. How devine!

2. Noah these animals stink!

3. Rain, rain, go away! 3. My allergies sure are bothering me!

4. Dr. Dolittle you're not!

5. I'm getting seasick! 6. Please don't rock the boat baby!

7. Did you remember to pack my nausea pills!

8. You better not be having an affair! 9. Naughty, naughty!

10. Where's your shovel?!

11. Would you like to go for a swim?! 12. Noah, you're getting gamey!

13. There's no fool like an old fool!

14. I want a DIVORCE!

15. I'm tired of fish, are you sure we can't kill that fat cow!

16. Glad you went with the devine plan!

17. I'm sure glad you didn't listen to me this time!

18. Don't you think we need a little devine intervention here?!

19. Shovel it! 20. You call this a cruise!

Nancy Nelson

 

"I guess it's safe to say we're in international waters."

"Oh honey, I've lost everything we own at the Roulette table."

"Somali pirates ten miles and closing."

"Not taking, I said the monkeys are in our bedroom playing craps."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

If the aardvarks aren't happy ain't nobody happy.

This rivals being stuck in a plane on the tarmac.

I saw a bird, I saw a bird, honest, I saw a bird!!!

The gazelles are grousing 'cause there's no indoor track in the workout room.

How are the happy meals holding up?

Watch out for a mutiny if there's no meat for supper.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

"Oh, Noah, the accommodations are just divine!"

Kris Voy, Trinity

 

"I hope the sewage system is better than Thomasville."

(Being a High Rock fisherman, I could'nt help myself.)

"No, I cleaned it out the last time."

"Daffy said to feed him." (look for the small guy in the center.)

"Yes, I do know where my ribs came from."

" I'm already wet, you left the toilet seat up last night."

" We're lost. Now, I know why Man will never stop and ask directions."

" Who idea was it to bunker the dogs and cats together?"

''You means this is not the Bahama cruise?"

" This will be my last cruise. Too much wildlife."

 James E. Ferrell, McLeansville

 

Oh great, I can't get the Love Boat theme song out of my head!

Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

 

What? You forgot to load the Dung Beetles?

Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

 

Are we there yet?

Why didn't you do that before we left the house?

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

It's a little small. Are you sure you know how long a cubit is?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

1.) "Since it's finally stopped raining, can we please put those two skunks on the top deck ?"

2.) "This is not what I had in mind when you said we were going on a cruise." 

Bobby Parsons, Eagle Springs, NC. 

 

Noah, I told you we should have added more air vents.

During flood season these Holy Land Cruises dominate the tourism market.

Corporate insists we stay with couples and don?t offer singles cruises.

Zebra overboard!

Gray Amick, Greensboro

 

“It is really deep Noah, really deep.”

Chuck Norton, Reidsville

 

“Those donuts you got from Tim are really getting soggy.”

Chuck Norton, Reidsville

 

1. "Interesting ship! What's the meal plan?"

2.  "Don't let the elephants mate! They'll rock the boat over!"

3. "I really don't belong in this cartoon!"

4. "My job is to clean the poop deck! That's all?!"

5. "Is this 'Carnival's Booze Cruise for Singles'?"

6. "Where can I find the dining room?"

7. "When's my turn at the Captain's table?"

Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

1. “You should stop worrying about your age, 600 is the new 500.”

2. “A Dingo ate my baby!”

3. “The elephants are refusing to share a stall with the donkeys.”

4. “I thought this was a singles cruise.”

5. “We don’t have anymore Dramamine for the animals. I suggest we abandoned ship.”

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

"These Cruise Ships Get More Crowded Every Year"

Bobby Smith

 

Bad news, both of the Giraffes are male.

Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

 

Noah, what kind of Cruise is this?

Jessica W., Rankin Elementary

 

1) I don't want you to panic but P.E.T.A. is in a speed boat right behind us.

2) Next time you talk to the G-Man, see if he can do something about the smell.

3) The elephants claim they were promised a private room.

4) Take a guess at what the monkeys are throwing at us.

5) Al Gore warned us this was going to happen.

6) Yes, it's fish for dinner again. It's always going to be fish for dinner.

7) So God never metioned building a sail for the boat.

8) Have you ever seen a hippo get sea sick ?

Darrell Clark

                                                  

"Have you cleaned out the litter box out yet?!"

Katie Clayton, McLeansville

 

 Um,I think both those unicorns are girls

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"When I said that I wanted to go on a cruise, this is not what I meant!"

"You'd have thought he would have commanded you to bring a shovel, too"

"Are we there yet?"

"Is this an ark or the Love Boat??"

"Now only those with vertebrae this time: 99 bottles of beer on the wall.."

"I wouldn't get drunk in front of the boys if I were you."

"I'm glad we don't have to worry about evil in the world anymore."

"The pigs are trying to mate with Ham again."

"There's a man named Ringling on the phone for you."

"I think it's just a passing shower."

Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

 

"Sh***r was full!"

"Uh...did ya' think to pack a plunger?!?!?"

"Shem and Japeth were playing ball and Ham's Termite Farm got knocked over..."

"Better call Terminix..."

"There's some kid clinging to the side of the ark screaming, 'Geppetto!, Geppetto!'"

Bob Mannary, Greensboro

                                                              

"Did you really need two termites?"

"Well, you may have started with two rabbits..."

"Is it me, or does having two fish on board seem a little silly?"

"No, ah don't have any cornbread, Pa."

"We're having unicorn for supper."

"We're having unicorn for supper, sorry there was only two."

"You've got two of everything except bathrooms. Way to go, genius."

"Hungry or not, we're not eating Ham."

"Isn't the beard a little dramatic?"

"The GPS is out. We're gonna have to fine Ararat on our own."

"You need a bath. A little water never hurt anybody."

"I can see a rainbow, a rainbow, I can see a rainbow too. Catchy, huh?"

"Nobody will believe this. Someone has got to write a book."

Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"You're too late"

Lorraine Moretti, Burlington

 

1,) No thanks. I'm good.

2.) Thank goodness.My kids are driving me crazy!

3.) Wait here. I'll go get the owners.

4.) What makes you think they have a problem?

5.) Well,this is awkward.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

1.) I've got your money. Make it look natural.

2.) Hey Marge, you could have just asked me for a divorce ya know.

3.) Oh,#$%&.

4.) Uh oh.

5.)This costume was a great idea.They're finally ready to buy some pest control

6.) Business has been great since we got this costume.

7.) Liar,you don't have a candy gram !

8.) Define pest.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

1,) Wait here. I'll get them.

2.) You're not the pizza boy!

3.) Yeah,even I think they need a littlle help.

4.) Unless you have a giant anteater I wouldn't try anything.

5.) Can't we all just get along.

6.) Hey Marge,come meet our new neighbor.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

I need you to get rid of this kid with a magnifying glass.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

You have got to be kidding!

2. You MUST have the wrong address! 3. We have an army of pesky humans invading our chow line!

4. Sorry, I dialed the wrong number!

5. We need help ridding our kitchen off these pesky humans!

6. Wrong species!

7. We don't want to kill them, we just want to get rid of them!

8. Those humans are spoiling our appetite!

9. I tried just telling them to leave! 10. I'm allergic to humans!

11. Those humans are leaving their droppings all over the place!

Nancy Nelson 

 

Yeah , he's here. Says Beyounce's video is the best of all time.

Michelle Watkins-Bowers, Reidsville

   

"My wife's in the bedroom. Be quick and make it look like an accident."

Doug Clayton, Mcleansville

 

My wife called you, didn't she?

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

Honey. . . Did you call for a Hit Man?

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

Come in. He's in the kitchen and he looks a lot like me.

Ken Layton, Carthage

 

Not really "pests" -- just family that never left after the July 4 picnic.

Not really "pests" -- just family that overstayed their welcome.

That's a nice lunch box you have there.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

Stop bugging me, you control freak !

You're the pest ! Stop knocking on my door !

You're invading my privacy, you know !

I'm trying to rest you pest !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

Can you get rid of aardvarks?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

I've got an in-law problem...

Can you do something about telemarketers?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Are you stalking me ?

You rang ?

All you control freaks just bug me to death !

Till death do us part !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

No thanks, we don't want any.

Marlene Sanford, Greensboro

 

"I am the Lady of the house,wait until you see my Husband!"

"It looks like we both have but on weight since your last visit!"

"They said if you were to come by before they came home, to tell you, Terminex just left!"

Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

 

"It looks like we have both put on weight since your last visit!"

Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

 

"I am the Lady of the house,wait until you see my Husband!"

"It looks like we both have but on weight since your last visit!"

"They said if you were to come by before they came home, to tell you, Terminex just left!"

Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro

 

1."My mother-in-law refuses to leave."

2."Make it look like an "accident".

3."Did you say my wife hired you?"

4."Do you have anything strong enough to get rid of people?"

5."I just can't get rid of my mother-in-law."

6."My house is infested with in-laws."

7."My house is infested with my wife and her mother."

Paula r. Hairston, Greensboro

 

'Nah We're Good.'

Matthew Cravey Greensboro

 

Do you do people?

I need to get rid of a dog, a cat, and a couple of people.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

 

12. Humans are spoiling our picnic!

13. Humans Bite!

14. This will never work!

15. Are you an enviromentalist?!

Nancy Nelson

 

"I think you have the wrong address."

"We won't be needing you anymore. We've taken care of them."

"Gross. The bedbugs are really bad this year."

"I bet your big sister used to call you a pest, but you don't see me trying

to kill you!"

"Pest is such a strong word. I prefer the term parasite with benefits."

"We bought at the office."

"Really, it's true. PETA recently inserted an insect and arachnid clause."

"Do you have those chocolate bars with almonds?"

Kris Voy, Trinity

 

Welcome to my parlor!

Carol Mingia, Greensboro,

 

I need you to make a hit on my husband, Uncle.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

I'm sorry if I startled you. We're holding the annual Entomology Department costume party right now.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Bug off, man !

Haven't you heard, I'm a protective species now ?

I already gave at the office, I know God, and I have a vacuum cleaner, so bug off !

I'll squash you like a bug !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

This darned kid keeps shaking the farm, destroying all our tunnels...

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

Well, er, no-o-o...(ahem) I didn't call you. Everything's fine here.

Derek Gunn, Trinity

 

What makes you think I'm you're Aunt ?

I've already called the police and told them I have an intruder !

You're the real intruder here, not me ! 

The odds are against you, a million to one !

 Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

I'm not your Aunt!

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

Thank goodness you're here.Those kids are driving me nuts!

2.) I'll come peacefully.

3.) I'm a lot stronger than I look pal.

4.) Don't forget my cut.

5.) I couldn't help myself. They left a whole pound cake out for cripes sake!

6.) Oh crap! 7.) No,I'm pretty sure you want the termites next door.

8.)Trust me,you don't want to tick off the queen.

9.) I've won a FREE stay at some sort of ant motel?!

10.) Don't you have to read me my rights first?

11.) Ok Frank ,I'll run away screaming and you collect the dough.

12.) I turned on ESPN and all these big sweaty humans showed up.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"Of all days, today? It's Sunday for crying out loud."

Curtis Cotton III, Greensboro

 

"Thank GOD you're here! You should see the size of this spider!"

Charles Hughes, Greensboro

 

You are making a pest of yourself.                                         

James O. Durham, Greensboro

 

Why, yes. I AM a cousin of Jeff Goldblum. How could you tell?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

"Yeah, the Queens here, but I'm pretty sure she didn't ask to see you."

Matt Long, Summerfield

 

We're from the Government and we're here to help you.

It was an awkward first date, but Aunt Edna really felt there was a connection.

So, where'd you see the Aardvark?

Trick or Treat?

Phil Hayes, Hampton, VA

 

I guess you're not from "Welcome Wagon"

Gail Webster, Jamestown

 

"Surprise! It's your 'going out of business' party."

"You missed me at the steroid lab last year."

Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

 

Your chemicals won't cause me to lose any more legs will it?

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

"Sorry, you're misinformed... I'm an Uncle."

"Have I exceeded my health care cap already?"

"Ain't nobody here but us chickens."

"How much to get rid of anteaters?"

Al Briscoe Jr., Greensboro

 

" The in-laws are back again..."

Seamus Briscoe, Greensboro

 

If I were you, I wouldn't be finishing off the leftover Cajun Surprise before going to bed.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 

16. RAID !

17. Those humans have RAIDed our pantry!

18. Don't BUG me!

19. There's no BUGs around here only pesky humans!

20. It was a hostile takeover

Nancy Nelson

 

They came for the 4th of July picnic and never left.

It's my freeloading family -- they never left after the July 4th picnic.

It's my freeloading family -- they never left after the July 4th picnic.

They came for the 4th of July picnic and never left.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

"Must have been a prank call. No ant infestation at THIS nuclear power plant."

Kevin Little

 

Caption: "Thanks for coming. My wife is out of control".

Bob Fuller, Greensboro

 

1. " Are you sure, you have the right address?"

2. " Please come in, these people are pests."

3. " Whoa Dude! Check your address.

4. " Listen Pal, I did'nt call you."

Marion Gaymon, Greensboro

 

1. "Am I going to die?"

2. " Are you going to spray?"

Janiel Gaymon, Greensboro

 

Wrong house -- I'm just trying on my Halloween costume.

Wrong house -- nobody here but us chickens.

Wise decision not using your last name in your business, Mr. Kevorkian.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

 

I need you to take care of a wise-guy cartoonist who forgot how many legs I should have.

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

R U Sirius?

Marcia Minsky, The GREAT #8 and Communications Officer of the OBRFC

 

 I really need to put peephole in this #$%& door.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"Hurry, my mother-in-law is ruining our Barbeque."

"Now, are there any side effects I should know about?"

"Just make it look like it was an accident."

"I don't want them killed, just break some thoraxes."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

I had heard our grim reaper looked different.

2.) Have a heart pal! I have a wife and 10,000 larva!

3.) I'm sorry but the queen isn't taking any visitors today.

4.) Thanks for coming Dr. Kevorkian.

5.)Yeah 'Them" was the good ol' days.

6,) I need you to put a hit on someone.

7.) She's upstairs. Make it look natural!

8.) First the nuclear plant has a meltdown and now this!

9.) I'll go but I'm taking 50 times my weight in food!.

10.) Oh,sooo you don't like it when I come to YOUR home and reek havok!

11.) I know what you did last summer!

12.) Yeah, I have some in laws that have overstayed their welcome

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"Thanks for coming, we have a terrible human infestation."

"Are you sure you wanna do this?"

"Pinching yourself won't help - you're wide awake."

"It's payback time!'

"Round 2!"

"I don't know what you have iun that tank, but I want some more of it."

"This is your conscious speaking!"

 Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

 

If our coworkers find out we're pals we'll be in a world of trouble

I can't quit you either.

Who ratted me out?

Whoa,scary costume ya got there Frank

Is this a Raid?

You say you have a luxury motel JUST for ants?

Thanks for coming. Did you know your kid has been using a magnifying glass on my boy?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

 

"She won't stop nagging me."

"My mother-in-law is visiting. Make it look like an accident."

Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

 

Thank God! I thought you were from the IRS

Dean Tribbett

 

Rickard took off two of my legs. Waste 'im.

J. C. Winkler, Asheboro

 

Man....am I glad you're here! I'm just infested with these disgusting little humans!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

 

1. "This is really a BAD dream!!"

2. "We're new here.what's Pest Control?!!"

3. "Come in. We have a human problem!!"

4. "You're too late. We've taken over!!!"

5. "We're the new owners and won't need your services!"

6. "Vinny must have sent you!!"

7. "What infestation?!!"

8. "Nothing here!! Can you do the humans next door?!"

9. "I've been working out!!"

10. "My Queen wants to meet you!"

11. Queen? Queen? There's no Queen here!!!"

12. "It's true.There's a warrant out for your arrest!!"

13. "The Queen will see you now!"

Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro

 

"Whatever he's paying you, I'll double it."

"Why yes, I did use to hang around Jose Canseco's locker."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

"My mother-in-law lives at 165 Locust Lane."

Karen Jones, Reidsville

 

Hey Tim, got a minute? Someone's looking for you!

Clark, we need you!

I'm sorry. The Rickard's live across the street.

Marcia Minsky, The GREAT #8 and Communications Officer of the OBRFC

 

I have a coupon for the "In-Law Special."

Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro

 

1) “A bug crawled into my ear last week and I’ve had stomach pain for days … Why are you looking at me like that?”

2) “I hope you brought the good stuff you used last year.”

3) “I’m guessing the service contract is void.”

4) “I’m sorry, Mr. Wilson’s not available, he’s being digested.”

5) “If someone called about an ant problem don’t you think I’d know about it?”

6) “You really don’t want to mess with me.”

7) “Aren’t you a little old for trick-or-treat?”

8) “No, there’s no pest problem here - not anymore anyway.”

9) “You’re about twenty six mutations too late.”

10) “I bit the head off of the last guy who called me a pest.”

11) “It‘s me Steve, you’re hallucinating again. You need to start wearing your mask.”

12) “Thank goodness you’re here - there’s a giant spider in the bathroom.”

13) “The game’s on - you mind coming back in a couple of hours?”

14) “Tina called and said you killed her husband. We were suppose to have dinner with them tonight.”

15) “You scared me there for a moment - I thought you were my x-wife’s lawyer.”

Tom Norman, Greensboro

 

NO THEY LIVE UP-STAIRS

Edward Bickford

 

21. Stop bugging me!

22. Who ratted us out!

23. Well this is just peachy! (gray ants bore in peach trees)

24. Could you remove that big hairy long-nosed animal out back, it's sucking the life out of us?!

25. Rats!

Nancy Nelson

 

uh.... you're to late my mother-in-law's already left!!!!

 kennth summerow, Thomasville

 

"Honey.....It's for you!!!

Teresa Blake, Greensboro

 

"Thanks for coming. We've got people in our pants."

Little, Kevin

 

"But I'm your great aunt."

"Why do you think I'm the one eating their steaks and roasts and pies?"

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

 

"Honey.....It's for you!!!

Teresa Blake, Greensboro

 

Try next door, no one here called you.

You must have the wrong address, there are no pests here.

Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

 

Um........ I was on my way out for a costume party, can you come back later?

Dean Tribbett, VA Beach

 

"My family just won't stop *bugging* me."

Ian Dovan, Greensboro

 

I'm having a problem with kids eating all my food

Honestly, I was just checking to see if the costume fit.

What did you expect at the "Roach Motel."

Quit bugging me.

Did my wife put you up to this?

The commercial is over - leave me alone

Wrong Unit. Camponotus pennsylvanicus lives next door.

I lost the other two legs in an incident at a picnic if you really want to know.

Of course I'm not an insect - insects have 6 legs.

This is carrying your entomophilia too far

Now you tell me that you are Myrmecophobic.

Well you don't look anything like your picture on Facebook either

I definitely have to change dating services.

Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

 

My friend from ACORN wants to know if you can do something about a couple of reporters….

John Lesesne, Greensboro

 

Who said I'm out of control ?

I think you got the wrong address !

Bugs have six legs, man ! Do you see six legs ?

Thanks, but we already have remote control !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

 

Please say Trick or Treat!

Why is Bill on the roof of your truck?

Actually I am a Formicidae, Pest is quite offensive!

Dean Tribbett, VA Beach

 

1. "I'm from outer space are you from what they call inner space?"

2. "No bugs here, just aliens".

3. Did DDT call you?"

4. Are you filling in for DDT?"

5. "I'm alien - are you earth man?"

Gerry McCabe, Greensboro

 

“It’s my therapist’s idea----he wants me to confront my fears.”

Kevin Little

 

I only agreed to one child, not hundreds!

DAN CUTCHIN, Greensboro

 

1. "Don't worry, this is just my Halloween costume."

2. "Take me to your leader."

George Cornett, Greensboro

 

"Something wrong?"

Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

 

1) So....we meet again.

2) I've called you here to talk peace treaty.

3) What ever the owners are paying you I'll double it.

4) Have you no conscious ?

5) I don't want to do this but the lease requires it !

6) I don't care if we did go to college together you're not staying here !

7) Get in here before my neighbors see you !

8) What will our kids think ?

9) I know the job market is bad, but this is going to end badly !

10) What ever it was that you sprayed me with last time I want more !

11) The termites want me to have a talk with you.

12) I know how you feel. My wife ran off with an aardvark.

13) Remember, if the police ask, all you know is that you were hired to spray the apartment.

14) This is easier than a divorce.

15) Tell them if they call you off I'll give back the rubber tree plant.

16) Honey....it's for you.

17) This is a joke right.

18) This can end peacefully or it can end badly, it's up to you.

19) So much for " High Hopes."

20) No, you want the Anthony's across the hall.