news-record.com

Skip to the site menu
Skip to search

LIFE

Advertisement | Advertise with Us

The Joke's On You

So, you think you're funny. Here's your chance to make thousands laugh at your joke.

1234567next ›last »

November 19, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 112009

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon MONDAY, 11 - 23

REPEAT! EARLY DEADLINE NEXT WEEK! Need your captions by noon MONDAY!
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
REPEAT! EARLY DEADLINE NEXT WEEK! Need your captions by noon MONDAY!
OK, this was a tough one. “How could you go wrong with a monkey,” I thought. Well, here’s how. Even our top captioners were struggling.
The winner captured the intended tone, though.
Also, personally, I think the Jr.s had some of the funniest captions in a “really out-there” sort of way (”Banancial Services?”) See below.

WINNER
What kind of diet pills were you taking?
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
RUNNERS-UP
“Day 3: Monkey still staring at me. Starting to feel self-conscious.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
“I see you've listed Jane Goodall as a reference?"
 Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
The bad news, Mr Jones, looks like we gave you the wrong serum. The good news, the price of bananas are way down.
Pam Hart, Siler City
 
Under references you list "the man with the yellow hat".
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Could you be more specific than “monkey’s Uncle” on your closest relative info?
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
"Says here you and 2000 of your peers wrote Hamlet. You're hired."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
 
Why are you saying that the pills didn’t work?
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
MY CAPTIONS (This cartoon seemed hard, thought I'd take a whack at it)
I’m sorry no one told you about the possible side-effects, Mr. Nussbaum.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years, Bobo, besides locked in a cage wearing mascara?
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
Your resume' shows you have a thing for monkey business.
Ny'Asia Dixon, Frazier.
 
JR. CATEGORY RUNNER-UP
I see your insurance company is Banancial Services.
Martin J. H., Frazier
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
You thought Springsteen yelling “Hello, Ohio!” in Michigan was funny? During the Journey concert in September, the lead singer for Night Ranger said he was glad to be in Greensboro, North Dakota. At least The Boss wasn’t off by fourteen hundred miles.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCES
BUBBLES, WE HARDLY KNEW YE …
Bubbles,I see where your last employer was a Mr. Jackson.      (too soon?)
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"It's an impressive resume Mr. Bubbles, but I'm afraid "Entertained the King of Pop" overqualifies you as a test specimen..."
D. Gunn
 
"Upon Mr. Michael Jackson's death, you were forced to seek gameful employment."
I see you've listed Jane Goodall as a reference?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
"We never test our products on animals. We love damn dirty apes."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
… As long as they keep their stinking paws off us …
 
Considering the amount of time we expected more than just the collected works of Christopher Marlowe.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Under references you list "the man with the yellow hat".
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas today."
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Very impressive Family tree, Sam III. I knew your Grandfather well. (Sam was first space monkey in 1959) 
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
 
Well, Mr. Darwin. We’re checking your references. How do you know Elisa Thornberry?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Nice advertising idea....where did Darrin Stevens go?
Your man in the yellow hat reference said you were a troublemaking little #$%&.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
I see that you have Jane Goodall as a personal reference ....
Jon Barsanti, Hillsborough
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
"OK...I give up...how many monkeys DOES it take to pick a winning caption?"
"We would've loved to have you on our team Mr. Bush but unfortunately the application deadline was 12:00 Thursday!!"
"OK...I give up...how many monkeys DOES it take to pick a winning caption?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
“The job is to assist writing text for Brewster Rocket: Space Guy!”
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
Noticed the improvement, did you?
 
Our test was a success.No one even noticed Mr. Rickard was gone. (with sincere apologies)
Tim Tribbett
Not only that, but quality and productivity was up.
 
I see that you were fired from the News & Record because your IQ was too high to be a reporter.
Henry, Greensboro
Burn! Take THAT reporters!
 
"It says here Mr. Rickard, your last job was with the News-Record?
gregory whitfield
Hey … wait a second … I thought we were picking on reporters …
 
"Winning the "Joke's On You"...I guess anyone can win."
"If you have won the JOU, why can't I?"
Jon Barsanti, Hillsborough
 
 “The job is to assist writing text for Brewster Rocket: Space Guy!”
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
He can’t do any worse than that other guy …
 
PSYCHIC MATURE CAPTIONS
“….and that’s how the rectal thermometer was invented.”
“Doctors announced today that the source of the swine flu epidemic is a Mrs. Oprah Winfrey.”
“In order to stop the spread of computer viruses, Bill Gates has introduced the Microsoft PC Condom.”
“For my next trick, I will make my prostate sing the national anthem.”
“Something is wrong, Doctor. I get a burning sensation every time my wife urinates.”
“Count Chocula was arrested today for murdering the Trix Rabbit.”
“In a stunning revelation, Stevie Wonder has admitted that he, in fact, can see.”
Psychic Mature International Captions:
“To help stop the crab grass epidemic that has crippled the English countryside, Prince Charles will let his wife, Camilla, graze for two hours every morning.”
“I say, Portia; care for a night of buggery?”
“The last dental school in England has closed due to a lack of students.”
“….and that’s how blood pudding was discovered.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
BEST POEM
PETA’s point, they have gotten across.
“Tests on chimps are all wrong!” said their boss.
Revlon hates that decree:
They can no longer see
Bonzo wearing mascara and gloss.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
PLEASE GET HELP
On the application under sex you've written you're bicurious George.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Here's one...a monkey, a squirrel, and Richard Heene all walk into a bar..."
"...and the mechanic says, 'It looks like you blew a seal' and the monkey says, 'It's Ice Cream I SWEAR, I SWEAR!!!"
"Actually, we've already figured out that Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer...we just can't get him to cry..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES
From Louise Monroe -
Rankin
       fifth graders
Thao Vi Thi Huynh: I like the suit; it really brings out your hair.
Alexis Witt: Hey, Bob! Does this thing have rabies? Because it is slobbering!
Jessica W.: Well, I don't read monkey, but I can tell you you will need some shoes.
Kyara Bellamy: Wow, this is so bad I might even let the MONKEY do it!
Chelsea D. Sosa: I called you to invite you to Sonic for lunch with me because your application says you love banana splits.
Zaira G.: We're researching Godzilla's hair samples. We'll find your wife in no time.
Taniya S.: You've only applied for jungle jobs.
L. Goodman: I know you're just a monkey, but stop eating bananas on the job!
Frazier
      fourth graders
A.J.: We hear that when monkeys see, monkeys do.
Jaylan Gainey: Mr. John, you're not fooling me with that ugly costume.
April A.: So, it says here you have experience peeling bananas.
Zachary: I guess you can't understand me, so, oo, oo,oo, ooo, ooo.
J. D.: I'm not giving you a job since I've seen you go bananas!
     fifth graders
Deja Headen: Your paperwork says that you threw bananas at the zookeeper.
Ny'Asia Dixon: Your resume' shows you have a thing for monkey business.
Hayley Samulski: I'll hire you as long as you don't monkey around or go bananas on me.
Angel Nguyen: Sir, you didn't finish the form. You were too busy eating the ticks off you.
Mekensie Bostic: Listen, we don't pay bananas for merchandise, so try "Monkeys R Us."
Martin J. H.: I see your insurance company is Banancial Services.
S.L.: So, your resume' says your only skill is picking underpants from exploding briefcases from trees.
Jayna Patel: So, where is your owner, shorty?
TeAsia Holliman: Your resume' shows that you will work for bananas.
 
Washington
Hanneneh Mirmozaffari: It says here you have ten years' experience as a monkey groomer. You should go for a massage therapist's license.
Ty'Onna S.: You want to look up how many ants crawl into the human hair is a day????
Victor Carlos: Sorry we can't let you work here. How about researching about you instead? Let me start with, "Where did you get that suit?"
 
THE REST
1.) Under job skills it says"monkey see,monkey do"
 2.) I'm sorry but we're not currently looking for any poo flingers.
3.) It says here you can recreate the works of Shakespeare given enough time and other monkeys.
4.) How do you feel about electric shocks?
5.) We may have an opening at the Mary Kay factory.
6.) It says here you'll work for bananas.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
1.) Under references you list "the man with the yellow hat".
2.) Good heavens,why would we want someone to fling THAT?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that astronaut has only one S."
Don Patterson, Lexington
 
Dad said something about using this on our paper route...what's a paper route?
Grampa said this and a Flexible Flyer were his favorite toys growing up ... Waht's a Flexible Flyer?
Where's the motor?
What makes it go?
Something tells me this involves us working this weekend
Jon Barsanti, Hillsborough
 
"I'm sorry, but you're overqualified for this position."
Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro
 
The bad news, Mr Jones, looks like we gave you the wrong serum. The good news, the price of bananas are way down.
Pam Hart, Siler City
                                                              
We have a large government grant to research why animals don't wear shoes or socks.
You'll fit right in -- we're researching why animals don't wear shoes or socks.
Office rules -- no shoes or socks allowed, but you can wear a snuggie at your desk.
The Employment Office was spot on when they sent you here.
"Yes, we have no bananas, we have no bananas today."
Before hiring we have to verify that you were, in fact, born at the San Diego Zoo.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
You can start right in as head of our Research Department, and, who knows?, my guess is that you'll make a fine CEO in a year or so.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Yes, yes, I see it says here that your DNA is 98.5% like humans. . . 
but we're also looking for a little more research experience.
Scott Parker, Greensboro
 
Quite a resume! You're the great grandson of a king named Kong, you've been to Outer Space three times, you've worked with Tarzan in twenty-five films, and you starred in "Breakfast with Bonzo". .
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
How long have you been using the phrase "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle"?
We have a gym set in the basement -- used to be called a "jungle gym" but we're PC now.
Please stop interrupting me with the phrase "Well I'll be a monkey's uncle."
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"This is the complete work of Shakespeare. Nice job."
Chris Coburn, Mebane, NC
 
"Looks like we're related!"
E.W. Blythe, Greensboro
 
We could not determine if our ancestors invented the wheel.                
James O. Durham, Greensboro
 
"Very impressive Family tree, Sam III. I knew your Grandfather well. (Sam was first space monkey in 1959)
"You do realize this could be your first and last assignment?" 
"We now use people to go into space. Have you thought about a career in a laboratory?"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
 
1.) This is just a bunch of scribbles.
2.) You misspelled poo.
3.) Your last employer said you were a little too curious.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
1.) I'm sorry but we already have someone to go coo coo for cocoa puffs.
2.) I see you've had experience with harsh chemicals in your eyes.
Tim Tribbett
 
"So you are fluent in five languages."
"Very impressive resume. ... The first to blast off into outer space! How
did you land here?"
"How do you feel about going to mars?"
"Good! You draw a line at monkey business."
John Koppel, Greensboro
 
We'll Mr. Binobo, while your research laboratory experience certainly is more extensive than the other candidates...
The union is killing me this time Harry. The "banana break" every two ours is non-negotiable huh? I'll see what I can do.
Hope  Jones
 
"So you're actually doing research on the origin of monkeys?"
Nelson Harrill, Greensboro
 
I'm sorry, but you are over qualified for the position.
Steve Nance, Gibsonville
 
Now what monkey university did you graduate from?
June Payne
 
"It's an impressive resume Mr. Bubbles, but I'm afraid "Entertained the King of Pop" overqualifies you as a test specimen..."
Dgunn
 
The title of this weeks cartoon is:   "Healthcare, Mr. President?"
Paul Gover, Stoneville
 
"So you were let go from your last job for throwing poop at your boss?"
"It says here that you have a degree in Monkey Business."
"You list your last job as former President of the United States."
"So you're interested in this job because you hear we pay peanuts?"
"It says here that you helped develop Windows Vista for Microsoft."
"I think you misunderstood our ad for monkeys in the research department."
"Upon Mr. Michael Jackson's death, you were forced to seek gameful employment."
"We have nothing in research but you'd feel right at home in our financial department."
"How do you feel being a writer on Family Guy will help you in this department?"
"Yes, I've heard the term monkey testing but you're missing the point."
"I see you've listed Jane Goodall as a reference?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
I see that you were fired from the News & Record because your IQ was too high to be a reporter.
Henry, Greensboro
 
We're working to find a cure for insatiable curiousity here Mr. George.
Tim Tribbett
 
Bubbles,I see where your last employer was a Mr. Jackson. (too soon?)
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Our test was a success.No one even noticed Mr. Rickard was gone.
(with sincere apologies) Tim Tribbett
 
We're looking to write some Shakespeare. Can you type?
Don't worry. We'll train you.
Well, Mr. Darwin. We're checking your references. How do you know Elisa Thornberry?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
1.) We provide all retirees with a suit and a bunch of bananas
2.)Bubbles, I'm afraid we can't provide you with a 6 figure salary like your previous employer.
3.) As soon as you sign the all the waiver forms you can start work.
Tim Tribbett
 
Your report on forced evolution is groundbreaking Jenkins.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Space chimp,celebrity companion,inspiration for children's book..very impressive.
2.)We're looking for thinkers here not just monkeys that blindly mimic what they see.
3.) Do you have a high threshold for pain?
4.) Well Dr. Jenkins,the good news is you've proven your theory of reverse evolution.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Your resume appears to be just a poorly worded version of Hamlet.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I'm sorry to see you go but congrats on your new job as a government wall street regulator.
2.) I'm sorry to let you go but we can't tolerate that kind of offensive sign language.
3.) I'm sorry to see you go but congrats on your election to congress.
4.) Considering the amount of time we expected more than just the collected works of Christopher Marlowe.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I'm sorry- I can't research your family tree without your last name.
Cal Sigler, Browns Summit
 
The interview was going very well until you flung that at me.
2.)The tough job market has allowed us to become very selective.
3.) I see you've had experience with lethal viruses,toxins,resistant bacteria....how are you still alive again?
4.) You seem to be a cut above our standard applicant.
5.) On the application under sex you've written you're bicurious George.
6.) We'll let you know. Next!
7.)Where the heck did Dr. Jekyl go?
8.) Nice advertising idea....where did Darrin Stevens go?
9.) Your man in the yellow hat reference said you were a troublemaking little #$%&.
10.) Retirement plan? Oh, that won't be necessary.
11.) How do you feel about the song "shock the monkey"?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Question # 8: What is your usual bedtime, Mr. Boyd?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Your resume says you are allergic to needles, sorry we can't use you.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
What kind of diet pills were you taking?
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
I'm sorry, Mr Smith, that the experiment went wrong but there were never any guarantees.
I do realize that it's a jungle out there!
Why are you saying that the pills didn't work?
Well how tall did you want to be?
Really! And it shrank the suit as well?
We are really not that interested in finding a straight banana!
Why are we sitting outside this laboratory?
You claim you are a social climber?
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
"It says here Mr. Rickard, your last job was with the News-Record?                                                       
gregory whitfield
 
I see that you have Jane Goodall as a personal reference ....
Really, you were on "BJ and the Bear..." Don't remember it.
"Winning the "Joke's On You"...I guess anyone can win."
"If you have won the JOU, why can't I?"
"Sorry, we don't have any positions available in New York City."
'Donkey Kong expert. That isn't the kind of research we do here."
"You do realize that you are overdressed for the position."
Jon Barsanti, Hillsborough
 
Why do you desire a transfer to our Banana Republic lab location ?
So, you'd like to do research on the Banana Republics ?
This missing link research, are you referring to a computer link ?
Has all your career so far been in Zoology ?
Why do you want to study the nutritional value of bananas ?
Frank C. Leonardm Lexington
 
"Frankly, we are looking for more in a resume than 'received the swine flu vaccine'."
Kevin Little
 
This is a re-title for the monkey joke.
"Wait a little while longer and you will become a human"
Mrs. Hazel Jones, Browns Summit
 
Rhodes scholar,Harvard law,....I'm afraid you're over qualified for this job.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Tell me about your work experience at Organ Grinders, Inc."
"Your requested salary is a weekly bunch of bananas?!"
"So, you are the 'See No Evil' monkey!"
"This reference letter from Tarzan is very impressive!"
"Nice monkey suit!"
"This project is to see if you and nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine other monkeys can type randomly and create all the world's classic literature over time!"
"The job is to assist writing text for Brewster Rocket: Space Guy!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
"It is our contention, counselor, that those three mice were already blind."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"You want us to quit claiming we descended from you?"
"You think you are the missing link?"
From Bill Lawson
 
We're using cheaper lab rats now. No more monkey business.
Tim Tribbett
 
"Resume says you do work well with your peers."
"What do you mean you've always wanted to do a little monkey business on the side?"
"You see no conflict of interest here?"
"So your cousin who's always hated you told you about the position?"
"Which side of the microscopes and test tubes do you want to be on?"
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
I'm sorry sir, you just don't have the proper people skills!
There is an opening in the research department.
 Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro
 
Why you wearing the monkey suit on casual day ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
" Your home address is The NC Zoo in Asheboro. Are you able to commute?"
" It says here, you are a swinger?"( first try to beat everyone)
"Seems like you have a limited vocabulary."
"Would work for bananas." ( typical, hope I beat everyone, no. 2)
"Former bell ringer for the Stock Market, hah."
"You are hired if you can wear shoes."
"We do require you to wear shoes and be able to scratch your b'hind before
making a decision."
"We don't put up with monkey business around here." ( No. 3 caption in the
race to beat everyone)
 "We just don't have parking space to park an elephant. How about the lion, he's much faster? And again, we need someone for more than one day."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
My suggestion for the caption of the cartoon for this week is:
I have finished the job and you are definitely of alien descent.
Ward Burch, Greensboro
 
1. “Let me take the test again, I know I can do better then this.”
2. “Another blank research report. I’m beginning to think you embellished your resume.”
3. “Let see, ‘oix zj dili9e4’ I’m guessing you typed this report yourself.”
4. “Your Id transformed into your physical being?"
5. “I’m afraid you’re overqualified for government research.”
6. “This was suppose to be a double-blind study. What kind of  monkey business is going on around here?”
7. “I see you received a human brain transplant. Now I know why Mr. Johnson threw his poop at me yesterday.”
8. “Day 3: Monkey still staring at me. Starting to feel self-conscious.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
Sorry, you're over qualified.
R. Whitworth
 
There are no lab tech openings but I have another position in mind.
Tim Tribbett
 
We need some guinea pigs, if you know what I mean !
No monkey business, our funding has been cut !
You ever dreamed of being in orbit ?
You ever monkeyed around with a bunsen burner ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"..and that's how the rectal thermometer was invented."
"Doctors announced today that the source of the swine flu epidemic is a Mrs. Oprah Winfrey."
"In order to stop the spread of computer viruses, Bill Gates has introduced the Microsoft PC Condom."
"For my next trick, I will make my prostate sing the national anthem."
"Something is wrong, Doctor. I get a burning sensation every time my wife urinates."
"Count Chocula was arrested today for murdering the Trix Rabbit."
"In a stunning revelation, Stevie Wonder has admitted that he, in fact, can see."
"To help stop the crab grass epidemic that has crippled the English countryside, Prince Charles will let his wife, Camilla, graze for two hours every morning."
"I say, Portia; care for a night of buggery?"
"The last dental school in England has closed due to a lack of students."
"..and that's how blood pudding was discovered."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
Hanneneh Mirmozaffari: It says here you have ten years' experience as a monkey groomer. You should go for a massage therapist's license.
Ty'Onna S.: You want to look up how many ants crawl into the human hair is a day????
Victor Carlos: Sorry we can't let you work here. How about researching about you instead? Let me start with, "Where did you get that suit?"
 
What can you do for us that a guinea pig or mouse can’t?
Tarzan?Barnum & Bailey?Jane Goodall, your references are impressive.
So you?re the candidate from The Temp Chimp Agency.
There?s a smudge here, does it say organ donor or grinder?
I see you went ape on your last job.
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
“Ok kid, economy’s bad we’re going to have to lay you off”
“Sorry we’re not hiring. I don’t care that you can type faster with a tail”
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville
 
You're hired. There will be no need to explain your retirement benefits.
 Dick Ellis
 
"Zippy, you know that it kills me to foreclose on a valued member of our research team, but, man, if you can't make your cage payments, my hands are tied!"
Reta Beck
 
1) If you were an animal what kind of......you know we're just going to skip that one.
2) The last guy kept painting the words on the windows backwards.
3) It's a nice offer but legally we can't pay you in bananas.
4) Now if I could get the name of your next of kin you will be part of the team.
5) This is your last warning! Here at RLI we will not tolerate any monkey business !
6) Welcome Mr. Curious George. I'm guessing you'll have plenty of questions for me.
7) The deal was I get you a job here and you get off my back.
8) So, how do you feel about needles ?
9) Sorry to write you up but those people bring those bananas for their lunch !
10) Remember the company motto : Monkey see....monkey gets sprayed again.
Darrell Clark                              
 
You'll be testing our new polishing solution "monkey shines".
2.) It says here your name is "see no evil".
3.) I'm afraid we only have openings for lab rats.
4.) We're promoting you to researcher.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I see you have previous exprience working in a research lab!
2. I see the humane society thinks highly of you!
3. We'll have no monkey business around here!
4. Why did you leave your last job?
5. So you work well with others!
6. Do you really know Tarzan and can you get me an autograph?!
7. Do you have any known allergies to medications?
Nancy Nelson
 
"Says here you and 2000 of your peers wrote Hamlet. You're hired."
"We never test our products on animals. We love damn dirty apes."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
 
Due to budget cuts we are transferring you from Research and making you our CFO.
In an attempt to spruce up our public image we've asked all employees to were suits.
The only opening we have is Research Test Animal but if you make it through that job you'll go far.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, Fla.
 
"As a test CEO, your random grunts and pointing outperformed all human CEOs. Our only concern is your giving yourself 20 million in bonus bananas."
Little, Kevin
 
"We would've loved to have you on our team Mr. Bush but unfortunately the application deadline was 12:00 Thursday!!"
"You've listed Sideshow Bob, Michael Jackson, Ronald Reagan, Bob Denver, and Barbara Bush as references...are you serious?"
"No we don't need help finding Weapons Of Mass Destruction..."
"So I see here that you are fluent in zero languages..."
"Let's just say that if we're successful you're family will be well taken care of..."
"It was the banana scented paper that piqued my interest..."
"When I saw you had typed the complete works of William Shakespeare I was intrigued..."
"I'm not paying this invoice...the lettering was supposed to be on the OUTSIDE of the window!"
"Here's one...a monkey, a squirrel, and Richard Heene all walk into a bar..."
"...and the mechanic says, 'It looks like you blew a seal' and the monkey says, 'It's Ice Cream I SWEAR, I SWEAR!!!"
"Actually, we've already figured out that Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer...we just can't get him to cry..."
"No, we're a research lab and we'll have none of that monkey business here!"
"Well, this will probably set back the theory of evolution about 1000 years..."
"OK...I give up...how many monkeys DOES it take to pick a winning caption?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
Mr. Monk, would you please elaborate on your last position, "Chaquita Tester #32"
Les Thomas

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Thursday, November 19, 2009 at 6:27 pm

November 13, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 111309

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Thursday, 11-19

 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
Woo-hoo! Another country represents! This time, hailing from Northern Ireland, Sarah Kernaghan. Jokes on You is going on a world tour!
Bobs M and B serve up some twisted takes on this week’s cartoon (see the blog under the label “PLEASE GET HELP.”)
Louise tells me some of you kids were grumbling about last week’s cartoon. Well, for this week, how ‘bout a monkey?
Oh, and great captions this week, everyone!
 

WINNER
Mom and Dad swear it's a toy.
Darrell Clark
 
RUNNERS-UP
"Mental note to self: bring Gameboy on future visits to grandma."
Kevin Little
 
Where's the on switch?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"Let's play wife and husband. You push and I tell you which way you should've gone."
 James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
Where's the cruse control?
Sarah Kernaghan, 14, Northern Ireland
 
Does it have GPS?
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
"Check your iPhone! There has to be an app for this."
George A. Boschini, Greensboro
 
Maybe it just needs a new battery!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Five more payments and its mine.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
I found it in the garage. I'm not exactly sure what it does.
Pam Hart, Siler City
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
Sweet rims!
Sawyer Roach, Rankin 5th grade
 
JR. CATEGORY RUNNER-UP
Why the heck did you bring me this for my birthday? It's not the 1980's.
Jessica W., Rankin, 4th grade
 
JOU WORLD TOUR
Where's the cruse control?
Sarah Kernaghan, 14, Northern Ireland
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
No, we’re not turning the basement into a swimming pool! Now come help me with this sump pump.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"I suppose next you're going to ask for a Red Ryder BB gun..."
 
"Well, it's no motorized La-Z-Boy but I guess it'll have to do..."
 
"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the what again??"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Who else?
 
It was once owned by Jon Voight!
Darrell Clark
I’m not sure. A movie reference? (September Dawn?)
 
BEST NASCAR-THEMED CAPTION
Loose coming out of turn 2 but tight in 3. Let's add a pound of air in the right-front.
Phil McBrayer, Greensboro
 
OFF THE BEATEN PATH
If you're going to start a meals on wheels business I'd keep the cereal in the box.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Yelling "bring out ya dead" for my poor little hamster was insensitive.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
“Biggest kickball game of the year and we’re stuck with this for tailgating.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
You know, Timmy, maybe you can sell some of your cartoons and buy a bike.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I can dream, can’t I?
 
"It would've been funnier if you just showed up in a werewolf costume with your mom..."
 
"You know...the washer & dryer thing wasn't so bad...the fire hydrant talking to a trash can was ok and I can even work with the whole 'Draw What The Thinker Is Thinking" bit but THIS?!?!? What's going to be funny about a little red wagon???"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
BEST POEM
“Come and play with me, Jimmy,” said Carrie.
“Let’s pretend that we’re both getting married.
You’re the groom. I’m the bride.
You can give me a ride.”
In his wagon of red she was ferried.
 
Jimmy said to her, “Come up and see
The cool house that I have in a tree.”
But while climbing the oak,
Jimmy’s ladder, it broke
And poor Carrie fell, skinning her knee.
 
On the ground, Carrie still kept her poise.
She’s not crying in front of the boys.
She’s still playing, of course.
Now she’s playing ‘Divorce,’
And she went home with half of his toys.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
A pretty young lady, had a new red wagon.
She was talking to her friend and doing some bragging.
He asked her if he could take it for a spin?
She said no, but you can pull it and I will jump in.
He said nope I had rather be dead,
Twenty years later they were wed.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
PLEASE GET HELP
"You kill the babysitter and I'll dump the body."
 Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
"How long did it take to cut it up into that many pieces?"
 
"You do realize that when I said it would cost an arm and a leg I meant it was expensive didn't you?"
 
"Oh...how thoughtful...what girl DOESN'T like road kill?"
 
"You know...you were right...you CAN get that many kittens in a little red wagon...but a have to cry fowl on using a Slap Chop to do it..."
 
"He WAS a good dog Billy...but three weeks is long enough..."
 
"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the what again??"
 
"I don't care if it WAS floating face down in the pond, you probably should've just left it there..."
 
"Ewe...I think it just moved..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
I heard your dad just fell off one of these.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"I love that new wagon smell."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
 
No remote control, no place for batteries … what do you do with it?
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, Fla.
 
I don’t know where that dent came from…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"I guess they'd climb in and hook it up to a dinosaur or something."
 Kevin Little
 
There’s not even a place to put your iPod.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
I read about this on Wikipedia. They called it a wagon.
Darrell Clark
 
"Well, you could use it to carry all your video games."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES
From Louise Monroe -
Rankin School junior entries
     fourth grade:
Jordyn Drumwright: Maybe we should call Extreme Makeover for my wagon.
Thao Vi Thi Huynh: Is this your big fat wagon which you call "Buddy?"
Jessica W.: Why the heck did you bring me this for my birthday? It's not the 1980's.
Kyara Bellamy: A wagon? I was thinking more a Toyota.
     fifth grade:
Sawyer Roach: Sweet rims!
Chelsea D. Sosa: I was going to marry you and take off, but now I'm going to leave you and take the wagon!
Zaira G.: See, this is why I don't want to be your girlfriend.
L. Goodman: THIS is the 'big red car?!'
Taniya S.: Both of us can't fit in this wagon, you know.
Brittany C.: Oh, are you going to the park? I need some me time.
 
Frazier
      fourth graders
A. J.: I think our next door neighbors, the Munsters, left their dune buggy here.
J.D.: We'll need a bigger wagon if we want to mock the children from the series book, "The Boxcar Children."
Jaylan Gainey: I'll sell it to you.
Zachary : It looked much bigger on TV.
April A.: You think Mom will notice this is not her convertible?
     fifth graders
Ny'Asia Dixon: I bought this wagon and they said it rolls very well, but look, it just sits there!
Mekensie Bostic: If you are thinking about trading this with me, I'm giving you the same thing back.
Martin J. H.: We need to give this thing an extreme makeover!
Hayley Samulski: You've spent your money on a stupid wagon and in return I have to kiss you???
 
THE REST
1.) Where's the on switch?
2.) Evidently one of us gets in and the other pulls .Whee.
3.) I prefer the little red wagon app.
4.) How do you boot this thing up?
5.) They think this will keep us from getting fat?
6.) Booorrring!
7.) Ok,what do you think it is mr smartypants?]
8.) Use it? I'm winded from just walking over here.
9.) You did ask for green toys.
10.) It's some sorta kid powered hybrid.
 Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Do you think I can trade this "clunker" in ?
Brad Howes, Greensboro
 
Loose coming out of turn 2 but tight in 3. Let's add a pound of air in the right-front.
Phil McBrayer, Greensboro
 
Look at that metalic red finish and one handle steering. With the governments bucks for bikes program I can get you into this baby really cheap!
Andy Ralston-Asumendi, Greensboro
 
Where are the seat belts?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I'm sorry, Billy. I'm just not that kind of girl.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I don't think it transforms into anything.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
I bet it'd do 100 mph down Twisty Breakneck Hill.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
For the cartoon showing two children and a wagon:
"I don't know. I think they expect us to play with it outside."
Hal Koger, McLeansville
 
"Lets play fireman. You push and I'll drive"
Harold Hamilton, Greensboro
 
I found it in the garage. I'm not exactly sure what it does.
Pam Hart, Siler City
                                                              
Does it come with whitewalls?
Terry Woodings, Burlington
 
So your Dad wouldn't let you borrow the car ? Huh!!!!!
Charles Long, Stokesdale
 
"Mom said she'd fix my little red wagon, but it looks the same to me."
"Dad says it's his 2012 Obamacar"
"Looks like quality at GMC has really dropped"
G. A. Rilling, Madison
 
"Where's the remote control"
Mickey McFeeley, Greensboro
 
"You did eat all my Halloween candy, didn't you!"
G. A. Rilling, Madison
 
"I really need to move this. How about a year of free maintenance?"
"It's a fully loaded deluxe model with low mileage."
"I can see you're still having second thoughts."
"You can't go wrong with this one."
"I'm willing to negotiate."
"What's your best offer?"
"I have three other offers."
"It'll be gone tomorrow."
"You'll be the envy of the neighborhood."
 John Koppel, Greensboro
 
I don't care if you hear it or not! When I turn left it makes a funny clicking sound.
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach VA
 
I don't know where that dent came from...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"I told you cash for clunkers ended."
David Meyers, Greensboro
From:   David Meyers [dmeyers@triad.rr.com]
 
"You expect me to go parking in what?"
David Meyers, Greensboro
 
"Sorry Cinderella, this is all we could do on such short notice. You know this recession is affecting everyone..."
Enjoli Lawhorn, Greensboro
 
I told you I was gonna fix your little red wagon!
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
1."All I said was, I want to use the car and I need gas money."
2."We're going on a date in that?"
3."Nobody is going to pimp that ride."
4."I asked my dad for a set of wheels on my birthday, I guess I should have been more specific."
5."Rims?? Are you kidding me?"
Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro
 
My entry for this week:
This is what you got through "Cash for Clunkers"?
Cynthia Shores, Ramseur
 
Santa must have seen you being really bad last year.
2.)Where do you put the batteries? 3.) Are you sure you can jump Dead Man's gorge in that?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"C'mon, you'll feel better after we call the Dave Ramsey Show and tell him that NOW we are debt-free!"    Virginia Hamill Peduto, Summerfield
 
.....Where are the directions?
Maxine Leister, Greensboro
 
"I guess they'd climb in and hook it up to a dinosaur or something."
"This is sooooo pre-Wii."
"Mental note to self: bring Gameboy on future visits to grandma."
Kevin Little
 
"Check your iPhone! There has to be an app for this."
George A. Boschini, Greensboro
 
I think the shocks need attention
Someone has stolen the engine!
Do you think it was the gettaway car?
Come for a ride you said! This is not what I imagined.
I have transport you said!
You said you had a car! Smooth talker!
Does it have GPS?
Can I fit GPS?
What have you been carrying in this?
Some flyer this is!
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
"What do I have to do to get you in that wagon today?"
"Go ahead, Charlie Brown, and have a seat."
"OK, what if I threw in free undercoating?"
"Are they highway miles or local?"
"Mind if I run a Carfax?"
"Does this come in any other color?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
Use your imagination -- since the invention of the wheel boys have said "I can haul ROCKS in that!"
I can ride my dolls around in it -- all you want to do is haul rocks.
My dolls would enjoy riding in it more than your old rocks would.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
1) If you are going green, you are going alone.
2) Going green once, going green twice, going, going, you're gone.
Cynthia Shores, Ramseur
 
"And you want me to...?"
"Where's the remote control?"
"Apparently, the ancients used this mechanism to transfer material goods."
"I think you're supposed to pull it."
"Well, you could use it to carry all your video games."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
Due to the economy and we have no jobs, when the baby arrives, we can use it as a bassinet, a stroller and and a baby tub.
Debra Henderson, Greensboro
 
"Daddy said when he was a little boy, *this* was *all* he ever wanted!"
"It's works better going down hill."
"No it does not need 17 inch alloy rims!"
"No Chip, I'm not overhauling it!"
"Where's the GPS?"
"It does have great visability!"
"2 speeds?"
"GM is really cutting back!"
"That's all that's left of Pontiac?"
"No radio and it doesn't fly!"
"Obama's answer to higher gas prices?"
"It is unique.......but not really a whip!"
M&C Riley
 
Wow,this new green technology is amazing.
2.) It's a kid powered hybrid.
3.) I don't think our parents realize just how incredibly lazy we are.
4.) Does it come with OnStar?
5.) I don't know. What do you think it is?
6.) I didn't even know Honda made wagons.
7.) I hate Grandpa Gore's eco-friendly gifts.
8.) When I pulled it these weird beads of liquid formed on my forehead.
9.) I prefer the Wii version.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"You can also get this baby fully loaded."
"The crash tests were inconclusive but hey, how bout that pinstriping?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
1. "It's a 'You Pull, I Ride' model!"
2. "What is it?"
3. "It's called a 'Wagon'!"
4.  "How does it start?"
5.  "I don't understand? Mom is upset that Dad fell off the wagon!"
6. "It claims zero emissions, low maintenance, and great downhill speed!"
7.  "Options include a GPS and a CD Player!"
8.  "Grandma said in her day everyone had one and there were no Game Boys or IPods!"
9. "The brakes are called FEET!"
10.  "You play with it, what ever that means!"
11. "There is no instruction manual!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
Five more payments and its mine.
Its not a Ford, its a MG
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
"No pedals. I guess they'd climb in and hook it to a dinosaur"
"This is soooo pre-Wii."
"Mental note to self: bring Gameboy when visiting grandma."
Kevin Little
 
1.) You could try it on the roof again. That was pretty amusing.
2.) I prefer the Wii little red wagon game.
3.) Ya just gotta love the classics.
4.) We could use it to play ghost rider if you let me put kerosene on your head.
5.) THAT'S your dad's new Chevy hybrid?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Remember, ladies first !
Are we suppose to wear helmets ?
Maybe it just needs a new battery !
Remember, no more texting or cell phones while operating !
You said hay ride ! So where's the hay ?
 
I hope your feet don't blister easily !
OK if I ride facing backwards so you want block my view ?
From now on we use the wagon to fetch a pail of water !
You pull and I'll cheer !
Hope your shoes have good traction !
But I've got dress shoes and you have sneakers !
Make yourself useful and kick the tires !
Gee is right and haw is left, got it ?
Just remember, behind every good man there is a woman !
My other boy friend always goes the extra mile for me ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
This was dad's favorite toy as a kid but he didn't know any better.
2.) Collecting roadkill is just plain weird Tommy.
3.) You're not taking me to the dance in that.
4.) I only date boys with wagons that have mag wheels and spoilers.
5.) You never let me pull.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Grandpa says he used to play with one of these back in the "good ole days".
No remote control, no place for batteries ... what do you do with it?
I sold the car. We're going green.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, Florida
 
"It's a girl chariot, not a cootie carrier!"
"No, you may NOT tote your frogs, beetles, and snakes in my chariot!"
"Do I look like a taxi driver to you?"
"Go hitch a ride the old-fashioned way!"
"It ain't empty! My imaginary friend and her whole extended family's in thar!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
Honest...I don't know how that dent got there!
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
"What do I have to do to put you in that wagon today?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
Where do you turn it on?
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
 
1.)Oh,sooo that's where she had her kittens.
2.) Let's play parade.You pull me and I'll wave.
3.) Your parents don't have a clue when it comes to birthday presents.
4.) How very retro. 5.) We could sell it on ebay and buy a wii.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"What do I have to do to push you in this wagon today."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
 When did they start coming with air bags?
Tim Tribbett
 
They say it's a flyer, but I can not seem to locate the wings.
Steve Tripper
 
You can be my prince and ride my little red corvette convertible.
I heard your dad just fell off one of these. 2.) Is this the wagon your mom fell off of?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Does it come with a NAV system?
Howard Carter Jones
 
"Well, this is what you get when you aren't specific. What I wanted was a red convertible."
"You want to play, Future Rip-off Mechanic?"
"Let's play wife and husband. You push and I tell you which way you should've gone."
"Mommy said it would come down to this with today's gas prices."
"This is the turbo model. How fast can you push?"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
"I don't know where it plugs in but Grandma says this is what they played with after school."
Scottie Carratello, Jamestown
                                                              
A pretty young lady, had a new red wagon.
She was talking to her friend and doing some bragging.
He asked her if he could take it for a spin?
She said no, but you can pull it and I will jump in.
He said nope I had rather be dead,
Twenty years later they were wed.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
-Jack you traded the magic beans for this i at least expected a bean stalk.
-I said a volks wagon not just a wagon.
-Yes i do like the wagon but where's the car?
-your spending far too much time on ebay
-Where's the cruse control?
-i think your your going over board on reducing greenhouse gases.
-are you sure its legal?
sarah kernaghan 14 northern ireland
                                                              
This beauty here is barely used and comes with a 100 mile warranty.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
This little beauty has barely been played with and comes with a 100 mile powertrain warranty.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
1. “How do you boot it up?”
2. “Mommy said Daddy keeps falling off.”
3. “I’ll take it, but I’m not paying for the undercoating.”
4. “We’re suppose to use our imagination. I must have already used mine.”
5. “What’s ‘road kill’?”
6. “You really need to ‘Pimp Your Ride’.”
7. “This is just wrong - I should have gotten my pony before you got your wagon.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"I just don't see what Dick, Jane, and Spot saw in this old thing."
Glenn Beckum, Summerfield
 
If you're going to start a meals on wheels business I'd keep the cereal in the box.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Sure great gas mileage but we are going to look mighty silly at the next soccer meet.
last day of cash for clunkers and you signed and said give you one with the best gas mileage on the lot huh?
Hope Jones
 
1. Dad told Mom he was going on the wagon, he'll never fit.
2. Mom asked Dad for help bringing in the groceries,he gave her this.
3. It seems like just a few months ago we both fit in the wagon
4. Seems like driving a car is a long way off.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
 
Mom thinks I need more exercise!
2. That's what I get for asking for a four wheeler!
3. Grandpa said he'd give me a shiny new dime for every wagon full of leaves I hauled to the street! (Now that's cheap labor)
4. Daddy said it's an antique and it's worth more that fancy electric scooter you have!
Nancy Nelson
 
1. "Wanna go to the drive-in?"
2. "It will have to do until we can get a car."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
 
"Just because I'm a lady and ladies go first doesn't mean that I pull you first"
Nelson Harrill, Greensboro
 
1.) We need to put in a child safety seat for my dolly.
2.) Yelling "bring out ya dead" for my poor little hamster was insensitive.
3.) Dear,I think we need to upgrade to a minivan.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
I asked you to buy a station wagon.
Tim Tribbett
 
"Mom said Dad fell off of this, but he seemed okay to me".
"Yes, I traded your new bike for this. But I did save 15% by switching to Geico."
"I took it in for a 10 minute oil change and ended up buying new tires, a new handle and some wax."
"I love that new wagon smell."
"I made sure to get the WagonFax report before I bought it."
"What will it take to put you in this little beauty today?"
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
 
You know, Timmy, maybe you can sell some of your cartoons and buy a bike.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Where does the cartridge go?
Jones, Hope
 
Biggest kickball game of the year and we?re stuck with this for tailgating.
Before computer games they say kids used to play with them.
Gray Amick, Burlington
 
"You kill the babysitter and I'll dump the body."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
"Is it Supposed to be that color?"
"I think the subwoofers might be a bit much..."
"Do you really think Old Lady Trimble won't notice??? He's only an inch thick now!!! You could probably just slide him under the door!!!"
"Well...since he's THAT flat you could probably just slide him under the front door or use the mail slot I guess..."
"This?!?!? You're taking me for ice cream in this?!?!?"
"Seriously???"
"Not even if you ARE going to Biggie Size my combo!"
"If you tell me we're going to the drive-in I'm leaving..."
"Get a job..."
"You No-Job-Havin', Dutch-Boy-Paint-Lookin', Vanilla-Ice-Wanna-Be...I am NOT ridin' to school in that!!!"
"Look Kevin...I'm ok with you being Britney's Ex and all but you really need to find a better form of transportation..."
"Yeah...right...The Fast & The Furious? More like The Slow & The Short Bus!"
"I've got two words for you...Racing...Stripes!"
"Maybe a set of spinner rims and a spoiler?"
"How long did it take to cut it up into that many pieces?"
"You do realize that when I said it would cost an arm and a leg I meant it was expensive didn't you?"
"Oh...how thoughtful...what girl DOESN'T like road kill?"
"You know...you were right...you CAN get that many kittens in a little red wagon...but a have to cry fowl on using a Slap Chop to do it..."
"He WAS a good dog Billy...but three weeks is long enough..."
"It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the what again??"
"I suppose next you're going to ask for a Red Ryder BB gun..."
"Red Ryder...Radio Flyer...same difference..."
"Well, it's no motorized La-Z-Boy but I guess it'll have to do..."
"Let me guess...eBay right?"
"It would've been funnier if you just showed up in a werewolf costume with your mom..."
"I don't care if it WAS floating face down in the pond, you probably should've just left it there..."
"Ewe...I think it just moved..."
"That's probably gonna leave a mark..."
"Little Tykes? I thought they filed for Chapter 11 years ago?"
"You know...the washer & dryer thing wasn't so bad...the fire hydrant talking to a trash can was ok and I can even work with the whole 'Draw What The Thinker Is Thinking" bit but THIS?!?!? What's going to be funny about a little red wagon???"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro                                            
 
1) I hate to sell it but, Barbie needs a new car.
2) I only drove it to and from Vacation Bible School.
3) Cash for Clunkers???....I think you got it backwards.
4) What do I have to do to put you in this baby today?
5) Really, it's a chick magnet!
6) What kind of mileage are you getting?
7) It was once owned by Jon Voight!
8) You have to understand, my parents are idiots.
9) Let's run the numbers and see what we can come up with.
10) I think I'll walk.
11) Going green, I see.
12) I'm going to look around a little more. Can I get your card?
13) Can I borrow it this weekend? I'm moving out of the treehouse.
14) I'm not falling for the "I'm out of gas" gag....again!
15) You want to take me to Lookout Point in this thing!
16) NOT IT!!...ha, ha....you're pulling!
17) You can't go for a joyride in this!
18) Looks like two shades of red paint. Has it been wrecked?
19) And this is fun....how?
20) You want me to trade my iPod for this?
21) I have no idea how that dent got there.
22) I read about this on Wikipedia. They called it a wagon.
23) Mom and Dad swears it's a toy.
24) I'm sending it to the "Island for Outdated Toys"!
25) Your parents do know it's 2009, don't they?
Darrell Clark
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, November 13, 2009 at 11:50 am

November 6, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 110609

Entries due by noon Thursday, 11/12

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
A shout-out (and a pip-pip-cheerio) to Paul Pearson of Brighton, England who wins the award for longest distance entry. Paul said he was visiting NC and he enjoyed the Jokes on You and decided to enter. We’re international now!
This seemed a bit harder than usual. There were a lot of good dog or pet-related entries, but ones that were more wolf or Halloween related got higher consideration.
 
 

WINNER
“I just reviewed your test results. You have what is commonly called a ‘Halloween costume’.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
RUNNERS-UP
Could he have eaten anyone that disagreed with him?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Was in a dead heat with the winning entry
 
“Yes, transmogrification is one of the rare side effects of his medication."
 Kris Voy, Trinity
 
"Watch the cholesterol, avoid silver bullets, and call me in a month."
Gray Amick , Greensboro
 
"I'm sorry Ms Riding Hood but this really IS your grandmother."
Paul Pearson, Brighton, England
 
Expect a lot of huffing and puffing.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
“The best I could do is give you a lunar calendar.”
Joel Clark, Greensboro
 
"Well how much Rogaine did he use?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"You found it in your husband's lab, Mrs. Hyde?"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
Actually, I didn’t think of this at the time, but it would have been “Mrs. Jekyll.”
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
"At least you'll save on Halloween costumes."
Carlee Shepard, 11, The Academy at Lincoln
 
JR. CATEGORY RUNNER-UP
"I see you've been reading too much Twilight."
Nick Voy, Trinity, age 10
 
ANOTHER COUNTRY RERESENTED BY JOU
I enjoyed seeing these cartoons and captions when visiting N.Carolina, and I felt I should attempt at least one, so here goes:
"I'm sorry Ms Riding Hood but this really IS your grandmother."
Regards
Paul Pearson, Brighton, England
 
OK, we’ve had Canada in the past and now we have England representing! Any other countries out there want to get in on the fun? I’m looking at you, France!
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
No, Josh. Candy Corn is not considered a vegetable. Eat your beets.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
It’s nothing, Mrs. Howard. I’m sure Scott will be fine in the morning.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Fred? Fred Miller? You ol sonofagun I haven't seen you since high school."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
OK, I give up. Is this a movie reference?
 
I'm sorry Mrs. Solo but Chewbaca Jr. can't be seen today.
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
FOR FANS OF TWIGHLIGHT:
"Can you he get me Jacob Black's autograph?"
"Hey Jacob, can you get me esme cullens autograph? She is HOT!"
"I'm sorry Jacob, but, Bella's a fictional character"
"No, why would bella be at the vet?"
"No, Nessie is not here either"
"Who's Nessie, some type of  new Halloween candy?"
'If he wants to speak to nessie i suggest dr.Cullens. why would she be at the vet?"
Jordan Frye, 10, Millis Road Elementary
 
SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY
Wait here -- I'll see if he left his flip-flops in the examining room.
The rash will clear up if you switch him to boxers.
Just relax and enjoy him.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I know a specialist who deals with your kind of case. His name is Dr. Tribbett.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
You say this happens to Tim Rickard every October 31?
j wright, greensboro
 
BEST POEM
To the vet, wolf man’s mother is heading.
It’s not howling at moon’s that she’s dreading.
She goes on to explain
That he needs some Rogaine
Since she hates to clean up from his shedding.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
MATURE
1.) Remember,no food the morning before he gets neutered.
6.)Neutering will decrease his leg humping and spraying problems.
8.) Scooting? Probably those pesky anal glands again.
2.)You can go ahead and schedule his N..E..U..T..E..R.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Are you sure, are you sure? He's so young for 'That' operation."(use your imagination)
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
If he's your husband, are you really sure you want him fixed?
k. wright, Greensboro
 
Sorry, your sperm count is too low!
Nancy Nelson
 
We can do the nails and flea dip tonight but we will need to wait until morning for the neutering procedure.
Dean Tribbett, Va Beach
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
“Your son should be fine, it’s just puberty.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
This is going to cost extra.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Which one of you is next ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES
The Academy at Lincoln
"At least you'll save on Halloween costumes."
Carlee Shepard, 11,
 
From Louise Monroe -
Rankin School junior entries
     fourth grade:
Thao Vi Thi Huynh: Let me guess: you have a furry little child.
Kyara Bellamy: Let me see how I can talk to you?! Wooooo! Woo! Wooooo!
Alexis Witt: Are you nuts? Why did you marry him?
Jessica W: Please change back my husband before the full moon.
Jordyn Drumwright: Is it a full moon yet?
     fifth grade:
Zaira G.: Why are you still wearing your Halloween costume?
Chelsea D. Sosa: You'd better get out of here. Edward's coming!
Sawyer Roach: I know you are here for him, but I think you need a silver bullet.
Rose Tucker: You look perfect together. Who's the wife?
Brittany C.: Ma'am, is this your husband or a dog that looks completely like a man with hair on him?
L. Goodman: Who's his mom, Godzilla?
Taniya S.: Get that putrid mutt out of my house!
 
Washington School
Hannaneh Mirmozaffari: Sorry kid, but your costume won't get you out of school.
Ayaunta: Your husband looks more like a wolf than a man. Are you sure he shaves every hour?
Ty'Onna S: I should have known. Tonight is a full moon. Soooo, what do you need, a rabies shot?
Victor Carlos: So is he a man or a pet? I need to know to help with your problem.
 
Frazier
      fourth graders
J. D.: Sorry I have to say this, but could you tell him not to eat me?
Zachary: I'm no zoology expert, but that's one big dog!
Jaylan Gainey: Who let the dogs out?
A.J.: Chewbacca is not allowed in here so, uh, uh, uh... just get him out of here and give him the shots yourself!
April A.: Is this a Halloween prank, or am I on "Punk'd?"
 
     fifth graders
Nahla Graham: You two look great together!
Martin J. H.: Yes, we do have flea control, ma'am.
Mekensie Bostic: Let me guess. You are a nurse trying to cure his skin disease.
TeAsia Holliman: The woods are up the street.
Angel Nguyen: Don't worry, miss, I see this every day. Take him to the pound.
Jayna Patel: Lucky me. It's time for my lunch break.
SL: Hey, sis, howl's you doing with your dog?
Deja Headen: Is this your werewolf? We don't have a specialist for adult werewolves.
 
THE REST
1.) Remember,no food the morning before he gets neutered.
 2.) Some tenderness at the site of the rabies vaccination is to be expected.
3.) An elizabethan collar should keep him from chewing his neuter incision.
4.) He'll need the kennel cough vaccine if you plan on boarding him.
5.) Sudden changes in diet often result in diarrhea.
6.)Neutering will decrease his leg humping and spraying problems.
7.) Please keep him on a leash while you're in the waiting area.
8.) Scooting? Probably those pesky anal glands again.
9.) Let me see if I can find a muzzle to fit him first.
10.) This is going to cost extra.
11.) I'm sorry but I don't work on wolf hybrids.
12.) Just put his pills in a little meatball.
13.) Just let me keep the silver bullets and we'll call it even.
14.) I'm afraid he has heartworms.
15.) I don't think they covered this in vet school.
16.) Where did all the other clients go?
17.) When he changes back I'll transfer him to an M.D.
18.) Eating Michael Moore would upset anyone's stomach.
19.) Hey Frank,here's a good case for ya.
20.) Hair loss around the tail base often indicates flea allergy.
21.) I know he likes it but cat food isn't a suitable diet for him.
22.) He had a piece of someone lodged behind his molar.
23.) Are you dropping him off for the rabies quarantine?
24.) No eating anyone until he's gone 24 hours without vomiting.
25.) Has anyone talked to you about heartworm prevention?
26.) I'm sorry but even if I induce vomiting I doubt the paper boy would be in one piece.
27.) We've got some great flea and tick preventatives.
28.) Could he have eaten anyone that disagreed with him?
29.) I'm putting him on a bland diet of cub scouts and librarians.
30.) He's got a bad case of ear mites.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
On the boarding form where it asks about his diet you wrote "kennel staff."
Tim Tribbett
 
My advice to you, ma'am, is to take two wolfsbane and call me in the morning.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Chain him up and call me after sunrise.
Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.
Keep him away from the silverware.
Tim Williams, Greensboro
 
I gave him a shot, but he really needs to see a Lycanthrophy expert at UNC.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
There's some mange, but he's really got a bad case of distemper.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
After a good flea dip he'll be good to go Trick or Treat-ing.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
"My granddaughter, Red, introduced us."
"No, don't change him back, just give him his shots."
"The up side is that he only goes out now when the moon is full."
"No, there hasn't been any major differences except the howling."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
"Without his DNA, I can't help you lady."
Hally Rankin, Greensboro
 
It's nothing, Mrs. Howard. I'm sure Scott will be fine in the morning.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
We can do the nails and flea dip tonight but we will need to wait until morning for the neutering procedure.
Dean Tribbett, Va Beach
 
I know a specialist who deals with your kind of case. His name is Dr. Tribbett.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
The pet costume competition was yesterday, but thanks for letting me see him on Halloween.
Hally Rankin, Greensboro
 
"The bad news is that I can't change back your werewolf husband, Mrs. Jones. But on the bright side, today we have a half-off special on flea-dipping."
 
I'm sorry, we only take patients that walk on all four paws.
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
No, I will not "groom" your husband for you.
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
I'm sorry Mrs. Solo but Chewbaca Jr. can't be seen today.
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
"At least he won't need a Halloween costume."
"On the bright side, we do have a neutering special this month."
"So where were you last night? Get it? Were?"
Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
"Instead of divorce...can you put him down?"
Daniah Swaim, Greensboro
 
"Instead of divorce...can I just have him put down?"
Daniah Swaim, Greensboro
 
"I told him to stop drinking out of the toilet!"
Jeff Swaim, Greensboro
                                      
1.) I'm really starting to reconsider that all creatures great and small crap.
2.)You can go ahead and schedule his N..E..U..T..E..R.
3.) It would be easier if you just brought in a stool sample next time.
4.) This is nothing. I used to be Cujo's vet.
5.)The groomer wants to know if you want him to get the poodle cut again.
6.) I may have to start closing during full moons.
7.) That rabies vaccine is good for 3 years.
8.) Next!
 9.) We can microchip him in case he gets lost.
10.) Vomiting? It may be someone he ate.
11.) His nose being wet doesn't mean a thing.
12.) Can you please return my thermometer when it comes out?
13.) That was the worst hot spot I've ever seen.
14.) He just ate Mrs.Shelton's schnoodle dog!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Full moon and swine flu...that sucks!
Craig Moon
 
Nice try but you still might be better off with a government option.
Craig Moon, High Point
 
I can examine him just fine from over here.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Kennel cough is very contagious so keep him away from other werewolves.
Tim Tribbett
 
1.) I got the short straw.
2.) I really need to sharpen my rock,paper,scissors skills.
3.)When she gets off the file cabinet the receptionist will check you in.
4.)Could I interest you in one of our fine flea and tick preventatives?
5.) You'll have to sign the sedation consent form.
6.) He has a sneaker lodged in his small intestine.
7.) Our nail trims just went up to 1000 bucks.
8.) Please tell me you didn't just say his tooth hurts.
9.) He needs to stop eating with silverware.
10.) I think IAMS makes a werechow.
11.) He ate my support staff.
12.) No more table scraps.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Stress usually causes hair to fall OUT."
"Yup, all men are dogs."
"Sorry, ma'am, I lost my lycanthropy license."
"He's old, and you need him put down?"
"You say this stray wandered up on Halloween night?"
"I guess he can no longer talk about your chin hair."
"Yes, transmogrification is one of the rare side effects of his medication."
"You like that he now sleeps at the foot of the bed, but you hate the puddles on the carpet?"
"My wife is on Team Edward."
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
"Lucky for you...we're running the Teacher's Pet special."
Dave Voy, Trinity
 
"I see you've been reading too much Twilight."
Nick Voy, Trinity, age 10
 
1. You're a weird wolf!
2. I'll have to send you to a specialist, all my instruments are made of silver!
3. I told you to stop listening to that radio station 93.1 WOLF!
4. Stop walking him in that wooded cemetary!.
5. When you lie down with dogs you get fleas!
6. There is no cure for Howling at the Moon!
7. What do you mean where's the fire hydrant!
8. We need a urine sample, please use the marked tree out back!
9. We need a blood sample, our vampire is in the lab!
10. It'll never work,you two are incompatible!
11. Sorry, your sperm count is too low!
12. I'm not clipping those nails!
13. It's not HOWLoween!
14. Too many treats, I see!
15. Wolf, wolf, wolf!
16. How do you think the Wolf Pack will do this year?
17. You have canine flu!
18. Got fleas!
29. Spooky!
30. What do you mean you can't get your costume off?
31. Have you been eating human food again?
32. How long did you say you were on that deserted island?
33. Isn't it a little late for Halloween!
34. Take two aspirins and call me in the morning!
35. I don't do fang extractions!
36. Is this supposed to scare me?
Nancy Nelson
 
“Sorry Mrs. Easley, but Mike can no longer be treated under the revised standards for the state health plan.”
Donna Butterfield
 
1.) It creeps me out when he licks my face.
2.)No more Coors light.
3.)Well,if he was diabetic as a human he'll still need insulin now.
4.)Have you tried an invisible fence?
5.) I know your husband and this is a big improvement.
6.) The rabies tag hooks right on the collar.
7.) No more fighting with vampires.
8.) Have you tried purina werechow?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
 (1) I understand your problem, ma'am, but I'm afraid the free spay-neuter clinic closed last week. Perhaps I could interest you in our groomingservices?
(2) I'm sorry, but you'll need to take that up with your congressman. We've been told quite definitely that the "public option" *doesn't* cover lycanthropy.
(3) Well, yes. In this case I guess there *is* a silver bullet for your situation.
David Wharton, Greensboro
 
"At least you'll save on Halloween costumes."
Carlee Shepard, Jamestown
 
"Sorry, I can't make him look like a Twilight werewolf."
"Sure, we can 'fix' your husband while the moon is full."
"Sorry, he's still not covered under your health insurance."
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown
 
"On the bright side, I know a casting agent for the next Twilight movie."
Beth Shepard (13), Jamestown Penn-Griffin School for the Arts
 
"You found it in your husband's lab, Mrs. Hyde?"
"It looks like a recessive family gene, Mrs. Wolf!"
"I've seen your husband. It's a family thing!"
"Moon howling, neck biting, sounds like a typical teenage boy!"
"Besides moon howling and neck biting, anything else unusual?"
"I don't treat large animals!"
"You say it happens every Halloween season!"
"He needs a physical for high school football?!"
"The mascot uniform was super glued on?!"
"Your family doctor wants a second opinion from me?!"
"Take him to the barber, dentist and tailor before I examine him!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
"You're depressed because State is not winning?"
Carolyn Mitchell
 
1.) It's a good thing I took that continuing ed class in Transylvania.
2.) ..and try not to piss off anymore gypsies.
3.)...and try not to tick off anymore gypsies.
4.) I'll start the exam right after I change my pants.
5.) Hell hounds,Cujo,Dracula's dog,the creature from the black lagoon and now this! I hate Halloween.
6.) I know you like fine dining but real silverware is a big NO NO.
7.) I normally say no table food but in his case I'm not sure.
8.) Will you kindly tell Dr. Smith that I think a #$%& M.D. should examine him.
9.) I'm referring him to a Lycan specialist way way outta town.Yeah,that's the ticket.
10.) I'm referring him to the old gypsy across town.
11.)Ummm,nice doggie?
12.) Don't pay any attention to that man with the tranquilizer gun.
13.) You want to board him how long?
14.) I musta gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.
15.) I would feel more comfortable if he stands on all fours.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"Yes, we told you it was the ideal small dog. We did warn you not to overfeed these Yorkies."
" lf you insist on a second opinion, he's ugly. "
" I suggest a treadmill...outdoor exercise would not be a good idea. "
"Remember, no more moonlight strolls or hair of the dog drinking."
"You stole her mouth? Now bring it here and I'll give you a nice big juicy steak!"
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro
 
"You sure the only change in Mr. Clinton is the excessive hair growth?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
"Look at the bright side, now he'll only go out when the moon is full."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
"Like I told another Mom yesterday, it's the hormones in the chicken..."
Glenn Beckum, Summerfield
 
If he's your husband, are you really sure you want him fixed?
k. wright, Greensboro
 
1. Just let me get my cape and we can leave.
2. The Hair Club for Men meeting is next door.
3. "There wolf".
4. So, Rogaine does have side effects.
5. I can't cure him, but I can fix him.
6. I think we can bill half to insurance.
7. Thanks for doing this Steve; you'll be a hit at the convention.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
 
Tim Rickard every October 31?
j wright, greensboro
 
" Did he eat the forbidden dog food?"
"You got to stop visiting those dating sites."
"Crooked teeth is not the only problem you got."
"Shame on you, he only a puppy."
"Okay, Halloween is over."
"Can you come back later. I got Catwoman on the table right now."
"Are you sure, are you sure? He's so young for 'That' operation."(use your imagination)
"Are you next to kin?"
" Talk about being married to an old bone."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
Like this? Since last Halloween. I should never have used Super-glue
I met this guy, Hyde ...
I keep doing disgusting things in the street.
I do not have an opposable thumb.- can you help?
I don't seem to fit in anywhere.
Our doctor said we should come to you.
My nine siblings look just like me.
I've always had a very deep voice.
My distemper is getting worse.
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
 “Well at least we got him out of the 'Sheep's Clothing'.”
"You didn't know that he was a wolf when you married him?"
"Don't tell me, "you really didn't know"."
"It would really help if you let him sleep inside."
"And, keep him away from the Kibbles & Bits."
"I'll let you know when that new flea collar comes in."
"Gee lady, your husbands really a dog!"
Chuck Norton, Reidsville
 
Go home and give him a flea bath and try to stop him from scratching.
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
No Ma'am, there is no such thing as howlingatthemoonitis.
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
"Oh, and he's got a little bit of mange."
"And I'd like to see him back in a couple of weeks.
"You can't be mad at him for killing, it's what they do."
"If he's going out only during a full moon, I'm sure it's just a phase."
"Next time use a rolled up paper, we don't want to break his spirit."
"And for gosh sakes don't let him drink another Coors Light."
"No, the shot won't change him but now, he just won't care."
"Well how much Rogaine did he use?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
You know he does look a lot like your husband Fred.
Don't worry lady we want undress him in front of any females.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
"Well Doctor, I think he drank a little too much of the hair of the dog....."
Lynda Garrett, Liberty
 
My Blue Cross just went up 11% too but he still can't use it here.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
1.) I'll take your word for it that he's running a temp
2.) Tell him to open wide and I'll throw the pill in.
Tim Tribbett
 
"No, I can't change back your werewolf husband, Mrs. Jones. But on the bright side, today is our half-off special on flea-dipping!"
Kevin Little
 
"I'm sorry Ms Riding Hood but this really IS your grandmother."
Paul Pearson, Brighton, England
 
I'm sorry but he can't use his Blue Cross here.
Tim Tribbett
 
The rash will clear up if you switch him to boxers.
A dentist friend waxed poetic over his pair of carnassials.
Just relax and enjoy him.
Don't worry, he's been fixed.
We're booked up for this year's full moons.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
1. “You may notice a higher pitch when his howls.”
2. “Your son should be fine, it’s just puberty.”
3. “Must be a full moon.”
4. “He may start howling again when he gets my bill.”
5. “Your kitten just asked to be placed in protective custody.”
6. “Sorry, I don’t have a ‘moon’ vaccine.”
7. “I just reviewed your test results. You have what is commonly called a ‘Halloween costume’.”
8. “Don’t worry, you’re in good hands - I went to night school .”
9. “Remember to wear moon block when you go out at night.”
10. "I recommend a breath mint."
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"Have you noticed any other pecularities?"
"Just have a seat folks, I've just got two ahead of you."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just assumed it was a costume."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"I don't think you need a vet, just back off of the Rogain."
"I knew I shouldn't have started evening hours."
"I don't think we studied werewolf bites in vet school."
Ken Cockerham, Greensboro
 
Who's next ?
What happened to that turkey who was next in line ?
Full Moon again, Huh ?
Which one of you is next ?
What makes you think the swine flu vaccine is responsible ?
Where did the rabbit go that was up next ?
Which Branch, Army, Navy, Marines, Air Force, or Coast Guard ?
You say he's biting your head off alot lately ?
At least he's still vertical !
I don't see'em till they're on all four !
Went from Cub Scout to Wolf, Hum !
I'd say he's going through a life change !
You want a make-over, I guess ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
     
Wait here -- I'll see if he left his flip-flops in the examining room.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Then, he said, the better to bite you with, my dear?"
"So, Larry, you haven't felt fulfilled since you were the mascot at State?"
"And as for the tail, Mr. Blitzer, I suggest you dress left!!"
"For Halloween, you dressed in sheep's clothing?"
"First, big eyes, then big teeth and ears - now that too!!"
"Yes, I'm sure the full moon is no longer fun!!"
"Sure, but I'll bet now you'll get a discount at that great lodge in Concord."
"You probably should not have said, in lupus corpore transmuto!"
"Old age really is a bitch!"
"I'm afraid your insurance doesn't cover this."
"It's probably too late to neuter."
"Most extreme case of Lupus I've seen!"
"And now the bad news....."
"At least there are lots more roles in movies for you now."
"Thomas, you probably need more that a flu shot!"
"No mam, it's not contagious...as long as he keeps his mouth shut."
"Mr. Talbot.....take two bane and call me in the morning."
"I suggest a good razor.....at least a Mach XX!"
"Don't worry....the Lone Ranger dies a long time ago!"
"Except for that you're fine!"
"Even though there are a few side effects....We've cured your E.D.!!"
"Tell me more about this fear of Bob Seger."
"Mrs. Talbot, you say he's started sleeping in a granny gown and night cap?"
Mike Riley, Jamestown
 
On the bright side, Jack could become the host of "The Midnight Special."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
It sounds like you're seeing tapeworms.
2.) I can't cure him but I will update his rabies vaccine.
3.) PLEASE just bring a urine sample next time.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"And just yesterday, coming to work, a deer was standing right there."
"Fred? Fred Miller? You ol sonofagun I haven't seen you since high school."
"Did my assistant come this way? Pretty. Long neck. Faints easily."
"What's the matter, I thought I heard a scream."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
1) " Beats going bald !!! "
2) " I suggest getting him house broken, QUICK !!!! "
3) " It's the first time one of my patients drove themselves to their appointment. "
4) " The best I could do is give you a lunar calendar. "
5) " It has more to do with the toxic waste dump you live beside than the full moon. "
Joel Clark, Greensboro
 
37. I can't take your temperature, my thermometer has mercury in it!
38. This happens every full moon!
39. I don't have any wolfie treats.
Nancy Nelson
 
"This is the last time I take in a foreign exchange student from Transylvania."
"Watch the cholesterol, avoid silver bullets, and call me in a month."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, November 6, 2009 at 1:19 pm

October 30, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 103009

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
My apologies to Frank Freeman, Bill Wallace, The Griffins (et al), Carl Sinclair and Judy Crutchfield. I did not receive your snail-mail entries last week before the deadline. This is rare and hopefully it won’t happen again.
Great job this week. Almost everyone was making my short-list of best captions. So I had to go back and be ruthless in my choosing. Good stuff.
And Gray, were those ACTUAL Hebrew letters?
 
 

WINNER
"There's an App for that..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
RUNNERS-UP
“Can’t we just say ‘What happens on Mount Sinai, stays on Mount Sinai?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
 "I don't think you'll ever get enough Republicans or Democrats to pass it."
Nelson Harrill, Greensboro
 
Moses, you surely are taking all the fun out of this "chosen people" idea.
Mike Riley, Jamestown
 
Party pooper!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
It sucks if your name is Thou!!!
Darrell Clark
 
Will those be available in wallet size?
 Eric Grimm, Greensboro
 
Sorry, but you're too close to our school!
 Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"I'm going to wait for the movie."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
“People do love a good top ten list.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
I know what you are thinking, but I didn't set a fire up there.
Alexis Witt, Rankin Elementary
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
“Speaking of cars, let me tell you about my new two-wheeled scooter I stand on to ride.”  “Nice segue.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
The director wants you to lose the "take your hands off me you damned dirty egyptian" line Mr.Heston.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Pear Pimples For Hairy Fishnuts?!?!?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Still the king of OCR.
 
I’m sorry, Mr. Heston. I liked you better in “Ben-Hur.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Wow. This is awkward. I mean Zipporah and I kind of thought you weren’t coming back.
Ellie Weatherly, Greenville
 
I’m Detective Mahoney from the Cairo PD. We need to talk to you down at the station. (Exodus 2:11-15)
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
“Did you run into a Monty Python crew up there?”
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY
"I am not traveling with you to Alderaan..."
"If you don't stop rearranging those headstones I'm shipping you back to Shady Acres..."
"What the hell are Death Star Plans?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
Geez,another setback for my Coveting & Hams business.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I’m sorry, Moses. You’re too late to submit captions for this week’s contest.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I wonder if Tim Tribbett will send in as many pictures as he usually does captions?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
He sent in several, But Bob M. had everyone beat.
 
At least Rickard could have made you look more like Charlton Heston.
Mike Riley, Jamestown
 
I get them all but number 11: “Thou shalt not Twitter while in Limbo.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST POEM
That young girl on that show who had cried ‘ll
Say her love for Sanjaya’s more bridled.
Though her tears flowed a-plenty,
In Exodus twenty
It says not to worship false idols.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
MATURE
Can I still covet my neighbor's WIFE'S ass?
Mike Riley, Jamestown
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
I asked you for two ASPIRIN tablets.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Just 10? Wait 'til Congress gets hold of them.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Ever consider a condensed version, maybe a Golden Rule ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
What about health care?
Jerry Kyle , High Point
 
Moses, where have you been, you missed the party!
Nancy Nelson
 
Can the states " opt-out " if they wish?
Just as long as you don't try to put them in front of the courthouse!
Darrell Clark
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES
St. Pius X Catholic School
Fraser Welsford, 10 “Look, I’m Atheist. I just want to roast some hot dogs!”
 
From Louise Monroe -
Rankin School
     fourth grade:
Alexis Witt:I know what you are thinking, but I didn't set a fire up there.
 
Thao Vi Thi Huynh: You're nuts if you are going to bury yourself.
 
     fifth grade:
Zaira G.: Hey, where did you get your costume?
 
Chelsea D. Sosa: Oooh! Those stones will go great with the grave I just dug.
 
Sawyer Roach: Finally you have some other things on the menu.
 
Brittany C.: Hey, man, can I help you with those tombstone-looking things in you hands? Even though they look mighty heavy.
 
Rose Tucker: Why are you carrying tombstones? Did you raise somebody from the dead?
 
L. Goodman: Can I use one of those? My wife is annoying.
 
Washington School
Tyonna S.: Your're talking so much about these rules that you don't even feel the heat from the fire... or is it your breath?
 
Victor Carlos:Are you making a graveyard? Because you need more than two tombstones.
 
Hannaneh Mirmozaffari: Those aren't God's commandments; they are the devil's.
 
THE REST
1.) Party pooper!
2.) Saaaay Moses,how much would it take for you to" accidently" drop one of those tablets.
3.) You'll never get that thru Congress.
4.) You'd better check those with the editor first.
5.)Oh #$%& great! I was just getting ready to do some serious coveting of my neighbor's wife!
6.) Have you met my mother and father?!
7.)But my neighbors wife is really really HOT!
8.) Have you ever heard the term "kill joy"?
9.) Can I still covet my own wife?
10.)You're harshing my buzz dude.
11.) Is self coveting still OK?
12.) I asked you for two ASPIRIN tablets.
13.) Number eleven"Thou shalt give all thy beer to Moses" looks like it's been written in magic marker.
14.) First no ham and now this!
15.) But these don't fit my decadent lifestyle.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
1.) Hey,you can't put those in a public square!
2.) Don't even think about posting those in the public school!
3.) Is insider trading still OK?
4) I don't think we can add "the right to bear arms" Mr. Heston.
5.) The director wants you to lose the "take your hands off me you damned dirty egyptian" line Mr.Heston.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Couldn't you just say, " You lost them?"
Cal Sigler, Browns Summit.
 
"We thought you went for a pizza."
Charles Tanquary, Greensboro
 
1. Give me a break!
2. God said we had better not BREAK these commandments!
2. Heavy!
Nancy Nelson
 
"I am not traveling with you to Alderaan..."
"What is this Amway you speak of old man???"
"For the last time George I am NOT directing another Indiana Jones sequel..."
"Pear Pimples For Hairy Fishnuts?!?!?"
"You still hearing those 'voices' again, huh?"
"If you don't stop rearranging those headstones I'm shipping you back to Shady Acres..."
"You might be onto something with this 'Beer For Bibles' program..."
"Cash For Clunkers I get...Beer For Bibles...not so much..."
"Now WHO told you to do WHAT?!?!?"
"Did you proof read those?"
"I have two words for you...Spell...Check..."
"I thought they were supposed to be double spaced..."
"I May Have Already Won Ten Million Dollars?!?!?"
"You know...it would've been easier to just follow you on Twitter..."
"Take-Out Again?!?!?"
"There's an App for that..."
"Why didn't you just put the other 5 on the back and use just one tablet?"
"Can I just get 15 wallet size?"
"God D@!# It Dad...I Am Going To KILL You. Every Sunday It's The Same Thing...Will You Please Stop Stealing Those Stones Out Of The Neighbors Garden???'
"I saw smoke...is everything OK?"
"Are you sure that was just a bush you were burning up there <wink><wink>?"
"Sorry PC...I'm a MAC..."
"Sorry...you're a PC and I'm A MAC..."
"What the hell are Death Star Plans?"
"Hmmmm....Chinese or Italian..."
"The Anarchist Cookbook??"
"Might be a tad bit heavy for snowshoes, no?"
"Water Skis? Have You Gone Mad?"
"Your Flip-flop idea could use a little work..."
"Oh Great...ANOTHER Harry Potter?"
"Mary already emailed me us about all this stuff last Sunday..."
"I'm good. I already downloaded a bootleg copy from the internet..."
"I'm a little shaky on 7, 8, and probably 10 too."
"OK...so I talk into the old man's mouth and then pull up to the next window to pay right?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
                                                              
Just 10? Wait 'til Congress gets hold of them.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Did you run those through Spell Check?
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Mom said there should be one about kids picking up their dirty clothes and putting them in the hamper.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Hope you're not taking those to the City Council Meeting !
What happens if I break the contract ?
Ever consider a condensed version, maybe a Golden Rule ?
Hi, my name's Charlton Heston !
What you got there, a movie script ?
See you've been on top of old smokey again !
Sorry, I can't read Hebrew !
I wouldn't go to court with that contract !
They're not so heavy  in your heart !
Follow me, I'm going to Bethlehem !
Sorry, but you're too close to our school !
Only know ONE that can fulfill that contract !
Heard they'll break you if you break them !
They go by a Constitution now !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
      
Who did you steal those ideas from ?
They'll never take you seriously !
Do you think you can get elected on that platform ?
Maybe you should just return them to sender !
You got to be kidding me !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
     
You've got a handful there, buddy !
What about my rights !
Your friend has some mighty high standards, doesn't he ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
1) "Only ten? That oughtta be easy!"
2) "More rules? I hate big government!"
Phil Koch, Greensboro
 
This new health care plan really is tough to figure out!
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
Why do I not have pants on?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
I wonder if Tim Tribbett will send in as many pictures as he usually does captions?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
My back is killing me!
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
"Twenty commandments, eh. Be careful with those."
Pete Dey, Jamestown
 
I'm sorry, Mr. Heston. I liked you better in "Ben-Hur."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Quick, hide them the ACLU is coming!
Larry Lapple, Greensboro
 
1.) Way to bring down a crowd there Moses.
2.) I just heard you take his name in vain when you dropped one on your foot.
3.)Wait until the ACLU hears about this!
4.) Well,there go3 of my hobbies.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro  
 
"I don't think you'll ever get enough Republicans or Democrats to pass it."
 Nelson Harrill, Greensboro
 
Do you see smoke on that mountain? You didn't just leave that bush burning, did you?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"words in stone can break your bones."                                     
James O. Durham, Greensboro
 
I'm sorry, Moses. You're too late to submit captions for this week's contest.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
. . . and there's a golden calf down in the valley. 
Do we get to pick and choose?
Watch your step -- we wouldn't want to see them get broken.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Can you just text them to me?
David, Reidsville
 
Are you sure he said "take two tablets and call me in the morning"?
Kent French, Greensboro
 
"Thou shalt NOT"? Ohhhhh.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
1.  So let me get this straight, I can't sleep with Bernie's' wife?
2.  Uhh, Mosses, that's not how you spell shalt!
3.  You been playing with matches again?
4.  Took you long enough!
5.   Are there more on the back?
6.   Thanks for taking out the one about not cheating on your taxes.
7.   If you take out a couple of the "nots", it'll go over better back at camp.
8.   Have you lost weight?
9.   I suggest you take a bath before you try to roll-these-out.
10. We send you out for Chinese and you come back with this?
11. Wow. This is awkward. I mean Zipporah and I kind of thought you weren't coming back.
12. Mosses....you can't go around stealing tombstones and writing on them!
13. Don't you think 10 is over doing it?
14. Now when exactly do these all go into effect?
 
What about health care?
Jerry Kyle, High Point
 
"Honor your father and mother and Moses - You added the last part, didn't you?"
"You know, it's still not too late to get rid of the one about adultery."
"What does covet mean again...hmm...we need to talk."
"Apparently, I'm gonna have to make some serious lifestyle changes."
"We can't even covet thy neighbor's ox - seriously?!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
Are you sure he said for me to take two of these and call me in the morning?
k. wright, greensboro
 
I'm lost, could you give me directions ?
Sorry, we're in a deregulation era !
Sorry, federal property, you'll have to leave.
Is that the Revised or International version ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
4. Who does God think he is Our Father?!
5. Moses, where have you been, you missed the party!
6. I can't READ!
7. Rules are meant to be broken!
Nancy Nelson
 
But those would put alot of lawyers and polititions out of work !
You kidding, in a building full of lawyers & polititions ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
1. Four or five, maybe....but not ten! 
2. That's a great story , Moses, you ought to write a book. 
3. Moses, I think the thin air up on the mountain has affected your brain.
4. I'm calling my lawyer. You can't tell me what to do.
5. I think the city council should vote on it.
6. They'll never get okayed by the Supreme Court.
7, I understand that these are the second edition.
8. I believe these are the second printing.
9. It's all Greek to me.
10. Are you kidding me!!! Nobody will believe that cock and bull story.
11. Sorry, I can't read Hebrew. You'll have to ask someone else.
12. You really should hire an editor to take out some of the unnecessary stuff.
13. I think you just invented E-mail.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
That looks like a rock solid book you've got there, Moses
Iris Sheets, Greensboro
 
Free? I'll take ten!
Forty days and forty nights, and this is all you come up with?
Give me something I can use - please!
I heard of 'Take the tablets' but this is ridiculous!
Are they commandments or suggestions?
I like the hand-writing!
You look very pale!
I sense trouble!
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
1.) Boy,parting that one little sea really gave SOMEBODY a big head.
2.) You're like the ultimate teacher's pet.
3.) Geez,another setback for my Coveting & Hams business.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"You carried those? Dude, I just downloaded them to my iphone."
Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
How about we call'em the ten suggestions?
Can we delete number two? I just finished making the golden calf!
OMG!
How about we start with just 3 and see how it goes?
At least Rickard could have made you look more like Charlton Heston.
Guess they are pretty much set in stone, huh?
Can we pick and choose?
Why didn't He just G-mail them?
Can I still covet my neighbor's WIFE'S ass?
Rules, rules, rules, always more rules!
Say what?
Now let me get this straight a burning bush actually talked to you?
I'll say this, God sure does a great power point presentation!
Moses, you surely are taking all the fun out of this "chosen people" idea.
It's this kind of thing that's gonna make us Jews feel guilty for a long, long time.
Good golly, Moses!
Mike Riley, Jamestown
 
Thanks Moses, but do you think He might send someone else someday who'll condense these ten down-say to two?
j. wright, greensboro
 
Do you expect those to make the top 10?
Fred Smith, McLeansville
 
Moses, I realize we asked you for a "hard copy" of the Commandments, but this is RIDICULOUS!
Tom
 
1.) I guess these rules are pretty much written in stone.
2.) I saw a chisel fall outta your pocket.
3.) Holy Moses! 4.)You're like the ultimate teacher's pet.
5.) Would you mind parting the lake so I don't have to walk around?
Tim Tribbett,  Greensboro
 
"Great, can I order them online?"
"Show me where it's etched in stone."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
1.) We have parchment ya know.
2.) Any loopholes?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Left name off previous email
Tom McCullough, Greensboro
 
I think I would leave off #11 "Thy shall not chew with thine mouth open."
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I would leave off #11"Thy shall not chew with thine mouth open as it grosseth everyone out".
Where's the fine print?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro   
 
Could you define neighbor in numbers 9 & 10 please ?
The wife will love number 5 !
If they're free, we'll take all ten !
Does HE really think we can remember all ten ?
Did you forget your shoes ?
What ! You expect me to fetch your shoes and rod ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Think HE gave us ten fingers & ten toes to help us remember them ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
All you got was a bunch of rules? Couldn't you get a road map or a GPS?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I'm Detective Mahoney from the Cairo PD. We need to talk to you down at the station.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Exodus 2:11-15)
 
Dude, that must have been like the ultimate Tweet!
Dean Tribbett, Va. Beach
 
1 .Letterman wants to know if he can read them.
2. There is bound to be a joke about this one day.
3. This is would make a great movie.
4.  Will those be available in wallet size?
5. I can't wait for the phrase "carved in stone" to catch on.
6.  I heard if you read them backwards, "you know who" shows up.
7.  I was hoping you were getting directions.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
 
"Wait until the lawyers get hold of this!"
Susan Thompson, Reidsville
 
"You mean there are only ten!"
Susan Thompson, Reidsville
 
Would you part the sea again? I think I dropped my wallet.
Tim Tribbett
 
"What do you mean I have to obey all 10 of them?"
"Your spelling is terrible."
"If you want to narrow them down to 5, I won't tell anyone."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
 
I get them all but number 11: "Thou shalt not Twitter while in Limbo."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
The path is crooked and treacherous; here are the directions for a safe journey.
Trip Brown, Greensboro
 
1.) I'm turning myself in.
2.)You're not the boss of me.
3.) I'm the fire marshall. There's been a report of a burning bush.
4.) Is farting and nosepicking still OK?
5.) You really need to get a hobby.
6.) I plead the 5th.
7.) Do we have to read them their rights first?
8.) I request to have a lawyer present.
9.) Are you going to carry those around all year?
10.) We bought you a GPS
11.) Will you part my hair for me?
12.) Looks like somebody I know is in BIG trouble!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
1.) What's with the holier than thou attitude?
2.) We'll kill them if they break these commandments. OOPS!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Moses, you sure look stoned!
Nancy Nelson
 
1. Are 10 numbers all that you can come up with?
2. So what are we supposed to do with tablets that have nuumbers on them?
3. Tablets with numbers on them - what will the "higher ups" think of next?
4. Are we using these now instead of smoke signals?
5. I can't read shorthand.
Gerry McCabe, Greensboro,
 
1.) Uh oh, I think I broke about nine of them last weekend.
2.) Can I have your autograph Mr. Heston?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I couldn't find my comb and I was wondering if you would part my hair?
Beverly Latta
 
Mo, you know our safety policy, steel toe boots with all heavy objects.?
"There?s no warranty on these so be sure not to break them."
So that’s what happened to the sacred ironing board.?
These are heavy, why don’t we start a Bible Blog?
Did you remember to save space for the “Help Wanted” classified that Noah asked for?
Didn’t you hear, we?re only going with 9 during this economy.
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
"I'll take two from column one  and three  from column column two."
Dea Aune, Greensboro
 
Caption - "Only 2 Commandments! Where are the other 8?"
Bob Fuller, Greensboro
 
"Only 10 commandments? C'mon, fess up, you broke some didn't you."
Bill Lawson
 
1. “Didn’t I see that ‘top 10’ list on Letterman?”
2. “Can’t we just say ‘What happens on Mount Sinai, stays on Mount Sinai?”
3. “Are you trying to get a reality show?”
4. “I’ll have a number 6 with a side order of coleslaw.”
5. “Don’t let the park ranger see you taking those tablets.”
6. “And you wonder why you’re never invited to parties.”
7. “Isn’t that setting the bar a little high?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"Do you have two fives for a ten?"
sam Gordon, jamestown
 
"Is it too late to add 'Thou Shalt Not Wear a Fanny Pack and Black Socks.' ?"
"Dad wants to know if you can add 'Thou Can't Always Get What Thou Want.' ?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
 
Wouldn't it have been easier to just write them down on some parchment paper?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
1)"OK, where do you want me to start?"
2)"Everyone needed a bathroom break."
3)How did you get here before me?"
4)"Do I just start out counting our use Alphabet order?"
5)"Tell me your favorite?"
6)"When is high tide again?"
7)"Are those the plans to re-model the boat?"
Christina Keller, Thomasville
     
This is multiple choice, isn't it ?
Is this HIS idea of a joke ?
You hoping to make the golden calf a Holy Cow ?
Do you really expect to replace the golden calf with this ?
Holy Cow ! Wait till the golden calf sees these !
Holy Cow ! Look out golden calf !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
1. "Can we pick and choose?!"
2. "Nice! Can I get a set for my tavern?!"
3. "Consider using 'should not' in place of 'shall not' for an easier sell!"
4. "Commandments sound harsh. Try 'Ten Suggestions'!"
5. "Your story might make a movie some day!"
6. "Did you run into a Monty Python crew up there?"
7. "Okay, I take these two tablets and see you in the morning!"
 Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
1) Commandment is such strong language.
2) I'm going to need you to fill that out in triplicate.
3) I would just drop # 11, " Thou shall have a single payer insurance ".
4) I can see maybe two of them becoming actual laws.
5) Did you inhale any of the burning bush ?
6) We already got a problem with # 2.
7) What if my neighbor's wife was asking for some coveting ?
8) Wouldn't an E-mail have done the trick ?
9) Do we have a grace period ?
10) He gonna wish he had banned reality shows !
11) Have you been talking to Letterman ?
12) If I was you, I'd remind them not to kill the messenger.
13) What's the penalty for non-compliance ?
14) What if we say " Simon Says " first ?
15) Can we get this in audio form ?
16) Can the states " opt-out " if they wish ?
17) You mean all of them at once ?
18) I thought you were going to get direction out of the desert.
19) There's a no amendment clause ?
20) Mind if I let my lawyer look this over real quick ?
21) Who died and made him..........nevermind.
22) Does that mean everyone's wife ?
23) You didn't get them notarized ?
24) It sucks if your name is Thou !!!
25) Just as long as you don't try to put them in front of the courthouse !
Darrell Clark
                         
1.) What ya got there,a shopping list?
2.) You could have made two trips.
3.) Need a hand old timer?
4.) It's been 10 years. I think you can put them down now.
5.) Some group called the ACLU wants to talk to you.
6.) You need to add being a smartass.
7.) I would honor my father if mom knew who he was.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I'm homesick for Egypt.
Tim Tribbett
 
"Now take two of those and call me in the morning."
"Please tell me they're not etched in stone."
"So when do you start your book tour?"
"I'm going to wait for the movie."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
I'm tellin' ya Moses, if you really want this to catch on, you should call it God's Top Ten List.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
"People do love a good top ten list."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
 
“I think there’s a typo in (Hebrew-looking characters wouldn’t reproduce)”
“Now I see why you made a D- in Biblical Hebrew.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
"Make sure it all conforms to the Biblical Hebrew Style Guide."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
Commandments? We thought you said you were just going to mosey on up the mountain.
Kevin Haggerty, Summerfield
 
"Ok, I'll be right back with the Ten Loopholes."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
 
Ok. My wife can NOT know number seven really is written in stone.
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
 
" I get my news from CNN."
The first hand held computer.
"Did you go back and check your story first."
"What is your source?"
"Can we take turns?"
"let's flip it.........oops!"
"Sorry, I didn't go to Bible study."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, October 30, 2009 at 11:53 am

October 23, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 102309

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
My apologies to Frank Freeman, Bill Wallace, The Griffins (et al), Carl Sinclair, Judy Crutchfield. I did not receive your entries before the deadline This almost never happens – hopefully it won’t happen again.
We didn’t get a lot of images, but the ones we did get were a hoot! Unfortunately, we only have room here for a couple. See some more on the blog (It may take a while for me to update the blog, so be patient.)
Jr.s are continuing to step it up. The Jr. runner-up (on the blog) was Carlee Shepard, 11 from The Academy at Lincoln.
 

WINNER
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
RUNNERS-UP
I keep having that dream where I'm naked in public!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
I got nothing.
Billy Rocket
Tom Norman
Nancy Nelson
 
Halloween is a week away and I have no costume.
Darrell Clark
 
"Ok, I'll just retrace my steps. I had my keys when I opened the front door. Then I went to the kitchen...."
Andew Blank, Greensboro
 
"Did I turn the iron off?"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
Now where did I leave my keys?
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
 

Todd Needles, High Point
(Also sending in the same art idea, but not as quickly: Skye Russell, High Point and Frank Freeman, Greensboro)
 
And they said this modeling gig wouldn't last.
Pam Hart,   Siler City
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
I've been sitting here 105 years trying to figure out what I want to wear!
Ty'Onna S., Washington
 
JR. CATEGORY RUNNER-UP
"Where did I leave my pants?"
Carlee Shepard - Age 11 - The Academy at Lincoln, Jamestown
 
OTHER IMAGE ENTRIES
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Is this Richard Heene? We’ve seen your work and think you’d be perfect to coordinate the special effects for our current project – a remake of “Plan 9 From Outer Space.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Escargots for dinner?  Oui?  Non?  Oui?  Non? . . . .
Rodin was French, see …
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Conjunction Junction what's your function..."      
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
 
"Cogito ergo sum"
Arnie Jonon, Greensboro
Know your latin … or French philosophers
 
Where is my Rememberall?
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough (For Harry Potter Fans)
 
"Maybe I can get Meredith Vieira to stick a wet finger in my ear." ( watching too much tv)
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
Wonder whatever happened to Dobie Gillis and his friend Maynard G. Krebs ?
 Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
...wonder what Dobie Gillis is up to?
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
BEST “HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ART BUT IS FUNNY ANYWAY” CAPTION
"Why do they bother to make scented toilet paper?"
"If I catch the guy that put me in the ladies restroom I'm kickin' his butt!"
"If a tree falls in the woods and it lands on a mime does anybody care?"
"Why are they called apartments if they're all stuck together?"
"I wonder what the speed of dark would be?"
"What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?"
"I wonder what happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?"
"Why aren't there parachutes under plane seats instead of floats?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Let’s see… a fire hydrant talking to a garbage can… nah, just did that… two golf balls... nah, I’ve done that one too… How about two mailboxes?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
And I do mean BEST
 
I'd write a caption if I could move
Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough
 
"Washer and dryer, hummmm."
"What does it take to win one of these cartoon's caption?"
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
. . .lost my all my money, my house, my car, my clothes.  Damned if I play cards with those guys at News-Record again.
 Ken Layton, Carthage
 
"Where does Tim come up with these ideas?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
 
You’ve gotta be kidding. A limerick about a washer talking to a dryer?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(Fun fact – The Thinker was originally called The Poet.)
 
"Why do I even try?  They never pick my jokes!"
"It's hard to think of something funny when you're naked."
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown
 
BEST POEM
Thought the Thinker, “It’s driving me buggy.
I’m okay when the weather is muggy.
But Rodin wasn’t bright
Since I sit out all night.
What I really need now is a Snuggie.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"I think and think
and send my best,
but my entries keep landing
with 'all the rest.'"
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown
Ken, for the first time, I think you've been beat
 
When pigeons fly, their oily bombs
go splat upon my head.
I hear the sounds of feathered wings
and feel a sense of dread.
I wish that I could run and jump,
as then I would soon catch you.
But I can only sit and think,
because I'm just a statue.
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
 
The old Thinker set on a rock,
He didn't know how long
because he had no clock.
He thunk, and thunk, and thunk,
but all his thoughts just plain stunk.
My rear is cold,
and I am old.
I really need to go to sleep,
maybe I will try counting sheep,
and when I am rested and feeling well,
I will go to Best Buy and get a Dell.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
MATURE (actually, scatological)
I REALLY shouldn’t have eaten that whole bag of bran muffins!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Owww,fire in the hole!
Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"I sure wish those prunes would work!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
"Uhoh, I think my Miralax just kicked in."
 Brian Greene, Greensboro
 
1.GROCERY LIST: Milk, Sugar, Preparation H...
Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro
 
Wish I had a magazine.
Mike Clark, Greensboro
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"I've tried bran, prune juice, and 4 laxatives. What else is there?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
 
Honey, would you bring me some more toilet paper?
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
 
I think I'm constipated
Fred Smith, McLeansvillle
 
I really wish my wife would quit leaving the toilet paper roll empty!
Jim Brewer, Greensboro
 
I wonder where they keep the toilet paper?
I think I need more fiber in my diet 
Lois Rankin, Greensboro
 
Well the prunes evidently didn’t work
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
Damm, you would think they could put a seat on it.
Gerry McCabe, Greensboro
 
"I will never, ever, eat prunes and green apples again."
"Why does this always happen when I turn on the shower?"
"Note to self. Chisel out toilet slab into toilet bowl."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
 “I guess being called ‘The Thinker’ is better than ‘The Constipator.’ ”
“That’s the last time I pose for someone while sitting on the toilet!”
“Damn pigeons!!!”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
Maybe a little prune juice would help
Tim Tribbett
 
Let’s see, I got the eggs, milk, bread and….oh no……toilet paper!
Dean Tribbett, Va Beach
 
"Why do they bother to make scented toilet paper?"
"Ooops...excuse me..."
"Phew...was that ME?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
The last thing I remember is saying just one shot then I'm going home.
Darrell Clark
 
“I hate laundry day.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
Where did I leave that darn fig leaf?
Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro
 
Owwww, pins and needles, pins and needles!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Where did I put those darn keys!?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES
"Where did I leave my pants?"
Carlee Shepard - Age 11 - The Academy at Lincoln Jamestown
 
From Louise Monroe -
Frazier Junior Division entries
J.D.: If you're making fun of me, at least you weren't in "Night at the Museum @."
April A.: I am so glad I took this job. I get paid for doing nothing.
A.J.: Should I stay nude, or get some nice pants and a jacket?
Zachary: Hey, anybody got some warm clothes for me?
 
Frazier fifth grade junior entries
Deja Headen: Mommy, bring my blankie. It is cold out here.
Hayley Samulski: Hey, baby, is it hot out here or is it just you?
Nahla Graham: I never get a chance to see the sky.
TeAsia Holliman: I wonder where my clothes have gone. Did these people take them?
Jayna Patel: Can I have those nuggets... or the fries? Either would be great!
Ny'Asia Dixon: I wonder what I would look like with clothes. I think it could be a good look.
 
Rankin School junior entries
Jessica W.:Why couldn't he have made me with some clothes? I am embarrassed.
Alexis Witt: Why are you embarrassed? I'm the naked one.
Thao Vi Thi Huynh: I am feeling a draft where it should not be.
Jordyn Drumwright: Why are so many people looking at me?
 
Washington School
Victor Carlos: Why can't I sit on something else much softer than this?
Hannaneh Mirmozaffari: I'm thinking. I'm thinking. Whoa...this is Junior Division!
Ty'Onna S.: I've been sitting here 105 years trying to figure out what I want to wear!
 
THE REST
1.)Owwww,pins and needles,pins and needles!
2.) I sure would like to try that new memory foam!
3.) Oh crap,it's late Tuesday night and I still don't have squat!
4.)Owww,fire in the hole!
5.)Where did I put those darn keys!?
6.) I do, I do like big butts! No more denial.
7.) I can't get that $%*& "It's a small world" song outta my head!
8.) I keep having that dream where I'm naked in public!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I wonder were I can get some free clothes, its getting cold out here.
kisha mobley
 
I REALLY shouldn't have eaten that whole bag of bran muffins!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"I sure wish those prunes would work!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
1) "I don't know why she was so upset, she did tell me to make myself at home!"
2) "To dress or not to dress....that is the question!"
3) " Brr, wonder where I left my clothes this time?"
4)  "Mmm, wonder what  I did last night?"
Jean D., High Point
 
Darn. Where did I put that remote?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
1. Think!
2. I should have asked her out sooner!
3. How can I get her back?!
4. Am I going to HELL?!
5. I want to be a real MAN!
Nancy Nelson
 
Where did I leave that darn fig leaf?
Harvey B. Herman, Greensboro
I liked this one – nice twist to the lost clothing gags
 
If I sit here long enough, I might remember what happened to my clothes
Mrs. Robert Connolley, Greensboro
 
And they said this modeling gig wouldn't last.
Pam Hart, Siler City
                                                              
Escargots for dinner? Oui? Non? Oui? Non? . . . .
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Uhoh, I think my Miralax just kicked in."
Brian Greene, Greensboro
 
Let's see... a fire hydrant talking to a garbage can... nah, just did that... two golf balls... nah, I've done that one too... How about two mailboxes?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
 From Robert L. Tysinger, Lexington
"Now, where did I leave my  clothes?"
 
 From Linda Tysinger, Lexington
"Chicken first or egg first? Fish  or cut bait? Too many tough questions!"
 
Unlike Letterman, I let my brain do my thinking.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
1.GROCERY LIST: Milk, Sugar, Preparation H...
2.Sure hope the toilet paper is soft.
3.Thinking hard..Literally
4.Come on let's vogue..
5.I can't believe I let Venus talk me into this. What was I thinking?
6.Okay, now what was I thinking about?
7.I'm freezing my butt off.
8.I hate birds.
Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro
 
I think, therefore I am
Aristotle or American Idol, hmmmmm...
Mexican or Italian for dinner tonight ....
Ah, someone dropped their Sudoku...
I'd write a caption if I could move
I wonder if I'll ever win the Nobel Peace Prize.
Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough
 
"Washer and dryer, hummmm."
"I can't believe that guy asked for change."
"Rodin, what was he thinking."
"Ladies, no peeping."
"I could really use a leaf right now."
"Maybe I can get Meredith Vieira to stick a wet finger in my ear." (
watching too much tv)
" I hate winter and love summer."
"Let see, what's on the agenda tonight."
"Oooo, only if I could stand up I would give the clothes off my back, and  again......."
"Did I turn the iron off."
"What does it take to win one of these cartoon's caption?"
" Man, I would love a beer."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
Will global warming ever REALLY get here?
When will there be an outbreak of pigeon flu?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
. . .lost my all my money, my house, my car, my clothes. Damned if I play cards with those guys at News-Record again.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
. . .is it i before e or e before i. . .?
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
. . .I think I can. . .I think I can. . .
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
"Why does Life have to be so complicated"?
Kimberly Ridgeway, Greensboro
 
. . .After my home loan, my cable bill, my phone, my electric bill, my car payment, my alimony, there's not enough left over for clothes this month. . .
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
"I've sat here for over a century and I STILL don't understand women."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
Wish I had a magazine.
Mike Clark, Greensboro
 
Great Taste or Less filling?
Joel Goldstein, PhD. Greensboro
 
Wish I had an Alka-Seltzer
Peter Guthmann
 
6. I can't remember!
7. I forgot!
8. Thinking gives me a headache!
9. I can't figure it out!
9. At least I'm not a pillar of salt!
10. I'm not smarter than a fifth grader!
11. I'm cold!
12. I think I'll streak across this campus!
13. It's my philosophy think with your brains and not your heart!
Nancy Nelson
 
Boy, that was some party last night! Now, if I could only remember what happened...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Ok, I'll just retrace my steps. I had my keys when I opened the front door. Then I went to the kitchen...."
Andew Blank, Greensboro.
 
 1.. "how in the world am I going to get home without anyone seeing me naked?"
 2.. "which one of the other homeless people stole my clothes while I was sleeping this time ?"
Michelle Grahamm, Greensboro
 
What to do next? I've run out of limericks.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"where did I go wrong"
Sylvia Stacey-Parker
 
"I think it began with a J.... Jen, Jane, Joan. Hmm...I should have just asked her to write her name next to the number."
Andew Blank, Greensboro
 
1. "I've tried bran, prune juice, and 4 laxatives. What else is there?"
2. "To be or not to be....that is not a question!"
3. "Is the hokey pokey really what it's all about?"
4. "I sure am cold."      (attach frozen man pic)
5. "Where does Tim come up with these ideas?"
6. "Conjunction Junction what's your function..."      
7. "I'm not a philosopher, poet, or even a thinker...I'm a fricking bronze and marble statue!"
8. "YOU do the thinking and I'll just sit here."
9. "Some guys have all the luck..."
(See images)
 
I think........I'd better stop gambling.
Carolyn Stafford Ford
 
&*%$* Pigeons!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"If I could just remember where I put my clothes."
Dan Forney, Greensboro
 
John England, High Point
Where on earth did I put my clean underwear?
 
"...I lost my train of thought."
Aaron Mackey, High point
 
"Nine hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety-nine. "One billion." "Here I come, ready or not!"
Bud Norris, Greensboro
 Nice.
 
Honey, would you bring me some more toilet paper?
Now where did I leave my keys?
I think I can, I think I can
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
 
Obvious title for this week's cartoon: "Cogito ergo sum"
Arnie Jonon, Greensboro
 
The Rodin estate has been disappointed in my "intellectual property"
earnings since the cancellation of the Dobie Gillis series in 1963.
However, my lawyer has a brilliant new plan to license my image for use on
the dust jacket of Sarah Palin's new book, Going Rogue. It should be perfect
with the overlay of just one symbol:
Tom McCullough, Greensboro
(see images)
 
1.  Did she say leave the seat up or put it down?
2.  Why do those people keep staring at me?
Ronnie Mills, GSO
 
My world for a cushion!
I am cold, this rock is hard, and my rear is cold.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
"I wish I could remember where I put my clothes"
Stella Day Greensboro
Ronald N Day, Greensboro
 
I think I'm constipated
Fred Smith, McLeansvillle
 
Less filling or tastes great?
2.)Do I feel like a nut or not?
3.) I wish I had a magazine.
4.) I wish someone would chisel me out a Lazyboy.
5.) Woohoo,it's a bit nipply out today.
6.) Twitter,google,digg? What the #%$&* are those people talking about?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Which way to get back to the nudist camp?"
Dan Forney, Greensboro
 
Who would think 38,769,541 people would say "Get off your duff, man"?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
I really wish my wife would stop leaving the toilet paper roll empty!!
Jim Brewer, Greensboro
 
It would have never worked between me and Venus ... she doesn't have any arms
"If I only had a brain ..." I can't get that song out of my head.
Where is my Rememberall? (For Harry Potter Fans)
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
 
The old Thinker set on a rock,
He didn't know how long
because he had no clock.
He thunk, and thunk, and thunk,
but all his thoughts just plain stunk.
My rear is cold,
and I am old.
I really need to go to sleep,
maybe I will try counting sheep,
and when I am rested and feeling well,
I will go to Best Buy and get a Dell.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
"This would be more comfortable in July!"
John Koppel, Greensboro
 
"Why does everyone think I'm a nudist? It's just a nice day!"
John Koppel, Greensboro
 
"That's what you think!"
John Koppel, Greensboro
 
"It's not a helmet! It's my hair!"
John Koppel, Greensboro
 
"What's for lunch!"
John Koppel, Greensboro
 
What should I wear today ?
She loves me, she loves me not ?
I think, therefore I am !
Where did I leave my clothes ?
Why can't my clothes time travel too ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I wonder where they keep the toilet paper?
Lois Rankin, Greensboro
 
I think I need more fiber in my diet
Lois Rankin, Greensboro
 
"Where did I put those keys?!"
"Why am I always naked?"
"Why were pigeons created?"
"My back is killing me!!!
"My finger nails never grow!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
Well the prunes evidently didn't work
What did I eat!
This stone is so uncomfortable
I'm supposed to be a thinker so why is my right elbow on my left knee!
If I only had a clothes closet .
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
I got nothing.
Gosh this stone is cold.
Don't bother me - I'm thinking
I should have never got Superglue on my hand
Billy Rocket
 
1. Now just where did I leave my chariot?
2. Think first, act second.
3. Now just where did I leave my Toga?
4. Damm, you would think they could put a seat on it.
Gerry McCabe, Greensboro
 
"If I only had a shotgun."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
(See images)
 
Brains... Brains...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Why do birds enjoy perching on me ?
Now where did I put my clothes while shinny dipping ?
Does a pigeon in my hair make me a birdbrain ?
Whatever made me think I was smarter than a fifth grader ?
How can I get rid of these pesky pigeons ?
This question is really a stumper !
Why do pigeons do that to me ?
Why are my thoughts always getting pigeonholed ?
This has me stumped !
What is it about me that attracts those pigeons ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Could it be I'm becoming pigeon-toed ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
You've gotta be kidding. A limerick about a washer talking to a dryer?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Wish they'd put a sundial nearby so I'd know the time of day !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Wonder whatever happened to Dobie Gillis and his friend Maynard G. Krebs ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I sure do miss good ol' mom and dad.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
(See images)
 
Subprime mortgages! What the heck was I thinking?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
1. “I hate laundry day.”
2. “I think, therefore I'm not a politician.”
3. “....I got nothing."
4. “I can't think straight - all those captions are upside down."
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"I will never, ever, eat prunes and green apples again."
"Why does this always happen when I turn on the shower?"
"Note to self. Chisel out toilet slab into toilet bowl."
"I think I just sat on a stalagmite."
"They got my clothes and my wallet but I still have my dignity."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
That's the LAST time I go trick-or-treating as Michelangelo's David!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
(See images)
 
"Is he ever going to get done with this painting?"
Wyman Taylor, Greensboro
 
"I can't believe my leg has fallen asleep again!"
Wyman Taylor, Greensboro
 
14. I can't THINK!
15. If I only had a brain!
16. I think therefore I am!
17. Why can't I remember?!
18. I got nothing!
19. Picture this!
20. All I have to do is sit here and look pensive!
21. It's a no brainer!
22. I feel so empty inside!
Nancy Nelson
 
Queen to Pawn 7, no maybe it's Bishop to rook 4. No that's not it. I know, BINGO!
Marcia Minsky
Member #8 and Communications Officer
for The Official Brewster Rockit Fan Club
 
I wonder why Cher has never been to see me.
I need a chair with a back -- heavy metal -- with "Endurance" on it.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
...must not forget our wedding anniversary's tomorrow...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"I can't go to Wal-Mart like this."
"Whither Twitter?"
Mike Hicks, Thomasville
 
"How does Will Ferrell keep getting work?"
"Did I leave the stove on?"
"I guess being called 'The Thinker' is better than 'The Constipator.' "
"That's the last time I pose for someone while sitting on the toilet!"
"Damn pigeons!!!"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
"Why do I even try? They never pick my jokes!"
"It's hard to think of something funny when you're naked."
"Perhaps I shouldn't have majored in philosophy."
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown
 
1.) Maybe a little prune juice would help.
2.) I think I can,I think I can......
3.) I've finally got it! No,I'd better think on it another 50 years.
4.) I just realized.....I'M FREAKIN' NAKED!!!!!!
5.) When I sit this way it makes my bicep look really big!
6.) If I EVER find out who put this #$%& super glue on my knuckles!!
7.) I think I feel a draft. 8.) Action is overrated.
9.) Eureka! I finally have it! We can drape fabric on our bodies to stay warm!
Tim Tribbett
 
If I ever find those rotten practical jokers I'll......
Tim Tribbett
(See images)
 
Hmmm...was Kanye West right about Beyonce's video?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Let's see, I got the eggs, milk, bread and....oh no......toilet paper!
Dean Tribbett, Va Beach
 
Oh,I like big butts and I can't deny....
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
(See images)
 
Ok,if the farmer leaves the fox with the corn and takes the chicken across first.......
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"Why do they bother to make scented toilet paper?"
"If I catch the guy that put me in the ladies restroom I'm kickin' his butt!"
"If a tree falls in the woods and it lands on a mime does anybody care?"
"Ooops...excuse me..."
"Why are they called apartments if they're all stuck together?"
"Phew...was that ME?"
"I wonder what the speed of dark would be?"
"What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?"
"I wonder what happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?"
"Why aren't there parachutes under plane seats instead of floats?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
                                                              
1.) zzzzzzzzzzzzz
2.) Do I want fries with that?
3.) He rhymes "couldn't take one more step" with "bad news on the doorstep"?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
" I wonder what they'd do without facebook, myspace and twitter?"
[Venus De Milo Picture]
"Maybe then someone could make me a decent wife"
N. Jeffreys, City: Burlington
Sorry, but I could not open your attached art. It was the only art I couldn’t open.
 
1) I think my feet are asleep.
2) This wouldn't be so bad if I had a newspaper.
3) I hate to admit it but I thought the kid was in that balloon.
4) Of all the names they could have called their group they pick Teabaggers.
5) Some people call me the space cowboy.....
6) If Rodin was a little steadier with the chisel I wouldn't have to sit like this !!!
7) This is the worst part of being the Hulk !!
8) Why do I keep getting arrested ?
9) Did I leave the stove on.
10) Man I really could go for some Big League Chew right about now.
11) I've got to get more comfortable furniture.
12) Why couldn't Rodin have chiseled me a Lazy boy ?
13) Should I add art to this are not ?
14) I hope I'm having one of those naked in front of the class dreams !!
15) The Thinker my foot, more like The Unemployed !
16) There's just some places a guy shouldn't be chiseled !
17) That cheese didn't taste right.
18) My hand smells funny !!!
19) The last thing I remember is saying just one shot then I'm going home.
20) Halloween is a week away and I have no costume.
Darrell Clark
 
I've been solving life's riddle for years, but do I get the Nobel price, NNOOOOOOO !!!!
Jim Brewer
 
...would a Speedo be too much to ask for?
...criminy, denied Mt. Rushmore because of my R rating
...thank goodness I wasn't on a Warnersville bench
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
...wonder what Dobie Gillis is up to?
Gray Amick, Greensboro

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, October 23, 2009 at 1:57 pm

October 16, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 101609

Next week, we’re trying something a little different. Our subject is the Thinker. You can supply a caption only --- OR --- supply a caption AND ART of what he is “thinking” about (like a computer, TV, etc.) If you add art, just attach it to your e-mail.

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
You kept the jokes clean this week (hee hee.)
Jr.s, schools, keep ’em coming!
And don‘t forget, I do birthday greetings right here. Just give me a few days notice and the birthday person’s name.

WINNER
What do you do with all those socks anyway?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
RUNNERS-UP
Why are you complaining? I do all the dirty work.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
“Are you as loaded as I am?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
She left me as soon as my warranty expired.
Lyn Nieri
 
I don't shout out stains. I try to reason with them first.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
When I'm done, care for a tumble?
Les Thomas
 
Some say I have a reputation as an agitator.
Michelle Davidson Ungurait, Oak Ridge
 
You complete me.
Tim Tribbett,
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
Boy, I wish she'd switch to disposable diapers!!!
Jessica Murphy
 
We were made for each other.
Mrs. John Sterken, Burlington
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
Can you believe they mixed the reds with the whites?
Zaira G., 5th grade Rankin
 
JR. CATEGORY RUNNER-UP
L. Goodman: Try not to shrink the clothes this time.
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
1. Deja vu!
2. Boo!
3. How scary is that?!
4.Didn't Tim draw that one last week?!
5. Eerie!
Nancy Nelson
 
As part of the settlement for originally failing to recognize Paul Anka as co-writer of the title track of the Michael Jackson compilation album “This Is It”, Sony has agreed to add two original Anka tracks to the album: “Puppy Love” and “(You’re) Having My Baby.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"No, it used to be Jess White and then it was Gordon Jump."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Extra credit to anyone who can tell me the reference here without Googling it. Hint: I’ll be lonely till you do.
 
Should I put ol' Snuggles thru another rinse cycle?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
I prefer the piquant flavor of Palmolive . . . and I want an Official Red Ryder for Christmas.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
You’ll shoot your eye out, kid
 
"Ancient Chinese Secret..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
BEST “HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ART BUT IS FUNNY ANYWAY” CAPTION
"Did you hear? Barack Obama watched a college football game last weekend and today he won the Heisman Trophy!!"
"Did you hear? Barack Obama went to the movies last Saturday night and today he won an Oscar!!"
"OK...a priest, a cartoonist, and a ostrich all walk into a laundromat holding hotdogs..."
Bob Mannary
 
BEST CAPTION TO THE WRONG CARTOON (Lion and alligator having lunch)
"I'll trade you my sardine sandwich for your wildebeast wrap."
Marilyn Obermeyer, Amherst, NY
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
Are you done with that Snuggie? Tim needs it for Monday.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Yes, please hurry.
 
"Stop me if you've heard this one 'A fire hydrant & a trash can walk into a bar...'   .".
CC  Cockerham, Greensboro
 
“I had a dream that you were a trash can and I was a fire hydrant.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"Well...last week it was a fire hydrant and a trash can so I'm not surprised..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
BEST POEM
“It’s a fact!” said our youngest son, Matt.
“When you’re cleaning a shirt or a hat,
Use the washer and drier.
They’re great for attire.
Don’t try them when washing the cat.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST/WORST PUN
Really, too many to list
 
MATURE
That kid leaves more skid marks than a formula one race car.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
I’ve had so much fabric softener I’m now on Viagra!      
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
Do you ever have that not so fresh mildew smell?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
“Boy if these sheets could talk!”
Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
“The stain on this dress is worse than Monica’s!”
Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
Ready for my load baby?
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach
Ewww …
 
Its not my fault the Maytag guy wants to service me.
David Graves, Browns Summit
 
"She's fine until the spin cycle...then it gets weird..."
"You ever get that 'Not So Fresh' feeling?!?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

It makes me feel weird when she leans against me when I'm on spin cycle.
Darrell Clark
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
We've got to keep our story straight about the missing sock!
Darrell Clark
 
Woo-hoo, that loose change tickles.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"I think there's too much Starch in my diet..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES (from Louise Monroe)
Washington Montessori School Jr. Entry
Hannaneh Mirmozaffari: Don't look! I'm taking a bath.
 
Fourth grade junior entries from Rankin School
Thao Vi Thi Huynh: You look really dry inside!
Jordyn Drumwright: This detergent tastes good.
Jessica W.: How come you can see through me but I cannot see through you?
Alexis Witt: Do you come with a water hose, because you're getting hot.
 
Fifth grade Rankin entries
Zaira G.: Can you believe they mixed the reds with the whites?
Chelsea D. Sosa: It's been a long time since we were parted at Sears'.
Brittany C.: Hey, get ready because my stomach is about to cough up some clothes.
L. Goodman: Try not to shrink the clothes this time.
Taniya S.: Aren't you always...hot?
 
Frazeir fifth grade entries
Hayley Samulski: I've got soap and detergent coming out of my mouth and eyes, so I can't possibly imagine that you think that YOUR life is miserable because you are all dry.
Angel Nguyen: That lady had better be back soon. She didn't close me tight. Oh, no! I'm leaking!
Deja Headen: Did you put a red sock in me? 'Cause I'm turning pink inside.
TeAsia Holliman: Hey, you think you've got it bad? Every time I stop, they have to take the clothes out right afterward or I will smell.
Nahal Graham: Can you move over a little closer? I'm cold.
Jayna Patel: Hey, can you press the red button? I'm tired.
Mekensie Bostic: Why do I always have to wash the clothes? I'm getting tired of all the suds in me.
 
Fourth grade entries from Frazier
Zachary: I speak five different kinds of languages, but I don't speak gibberish.
Aprill A.: You are so lucky the family dries their clothes on the line with the wind now. I get the four-year-old's laundry every day full of some yellow juice!
A.J.: The clothes line is shutting you down.
Zachary: You're better off in the junk yard because the family hangs their clothes on the line.
 
THE REST
"ya know...I wish my job was dryer!"
Charles Heafner, Asheboro
 
Some say I have a reputatation as an agitator.
Michelle Davidson Ungurait, Oak Ridge
 
Want to go for a spin with me today ?
You wash and I'll dry !
You make my temperature rise !
Why are you always so wringing wet ?
Am I your sunshine now ?
You job turns me on !
Can you guess what's my line ?
Do you think I'm having a hot flash ?
Do you think our problems can be ironed out ?
You're all wet !
Did you say our conversations are very dry ?
Can't you do something about that ring around the collar ?
Life is like alot of cycles !
Maybe we're both in our mid-life cycles !
I perfer inside work instead of outdoor, don't you ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
1. My head is spinning! 2. Would you like to go for a SPIN?!
3. Blow heart!
4. You're so full of hot air!
5. How long have you been DRY?!
Nancy Nelson
 
6. Wash up, Doc!
7. I'm loaded down with work today!
8. You know those grass stains are a pain to get out!
9. I've been in a tailspin all day!
10. Oops, my belt just wrong!
11. Be careful not to shrink her favorite sweater!
12. This was a heavy load, do you think you're up for the challenge?!
13. What's all the commotion about?! 14. I'm dizzy!
Nancy Nelson
 
"Oh, I am just all washed up!"
Jean Blake, Greensboro
 
1.) I think I'll snatch a few socks for my collection.
2.) Hey baby,wanna go for a spin?
3.)We make a great team!
4.) Did you see that idiot put the red shirt in with the whites?
5.)Woohoo, that loose change tickles.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
You always could see right through me !
Do you think I have a dry sense of humor ?
Could you bring me a dry martini, please ?
Are you looking for more than a working relationship ?
When did you become such a peeping tom ?
You need to dry up while I'm speaking !
I feel loaded !
I think this baby is ready to come out !
Don't you think this relationship is quite a soap opera ?
What makes you think I'm trying to come between you and the clothesline ?
I'll never let that clothesline affair come between us !
I'll never let our babies hang out with her again !
She can always go on line to find a new boy friend !
Be firm ! Tell her I'm in and she's out !  End of story !
Tell her to hang it up, I'm with you now !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I am always employed first.                                                
James Durham, Greensboro
 
Ever wonder what it might feel like to percolate together ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"You're hot!"
David Meyers, Greensboro
 
"Let's keep it clean."
David Meyers, Greensboro
 
"You'll wash whose mouth with soap?"
David Meyers, Greensboro
 
"You're full of hot air."
David Meyers, Greensboro
 
1."this is what happens when you say bad words."
2."those bargain soaps sure leave a bad taste in your mouth."
3."i sure hope she buys liquid detergent next week, the powder leaves me feeling dirty."
4."i sometimes wonder does she know what small capacity means."
5."does she over stuff you with clothes too?"
6."just once i wish she would remember to use the fabric softener, those clothes are murder on my insides."
Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro
 
Why are you complaining? I do all the dirty work.
You are one hot babe.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
When I was a kid, my mom used it every time I swore, so I just got used to the taste.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
You complete me.
2.) Did they ever clean that lint trap of yours?
3.)That little bear creeps me out.
4.) Should I put ol' Snuggles thru another rinse cycle?
5.) That kid leaves more skid marks than a formula one race car.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
No, I'm not up for a game of May-tag.
Today I'm Bold, but yesterday I was just feeling Cheer-ful.
Oh yeah? Well you're just full of hot air!
Ken Sheldon
 
Show me yours and I'll show you mine.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
What do you do with all those socks anyways?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
Oh yeah?...try getting suds out of your tumbler!
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
Watch her freak out when she sees that red sock in there!
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
Boy, I can't wait until that kid gets out of cloth diapers!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
15. You're such a hottie!
16. She really turns me on!
17. Don't be so square!
18. It's a dirty job but someone has to do it!
Nancy Nelson
 
“When you use your ‘Gentle Cycle’ I just get all warm inside!”
Mike Henderson, Greensboro
 
Every time I open my #@!&^$ mouth, it gets washed out with soap!
Malcolm Macphee, Greensboro
 
Must be karma for the times Mom had to wash out my mouth with soap.
Was that word bad enough to get my mouth washed out with soap?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Uggghh... you can breathe easy, my stomachs always lurching
Jordan Frye Age 10 Millis Road Elementary
 
"Don't blame me for that missing sock."
Rebecca Blomgren, Greensboro
 
"I may be full of hot air, but you are all washed up!"
Ed Greenawald, Greensboro
 
Your cute, opposites do attract!
Roger Howerton, Randleman
 
Want to go for a spin?
Rebecca McSween, Greensboro
 
You shake and I'll bake!
Isn't this working side-by-side romantic?
Aren't you glad we're residential and not commercial?
Do you think I enjoy picking up after you?
Without me you are nothing!
I'm glad we only do this once a week!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington   
           
If I only had a way to open my spouts, I could fight back.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
1.)Dorothy has really gotten her wicked witch melting down to a science.
2.) They're shouting at the stains not us Mr.Sensitive.
3.) The spin cycle makes me dizzy.
4.)The spin cycle makes me a little queasy.
5.) She put in a ink stain. I'm not a freakin' miracle worker ya know!
6.)The wicked witch likes her clothes really really dry.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I've had so much fabric softener I'm now on Viagra!
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
1. ...and then she told me I was all washed up.
2. Have you seen the new Spin Class instructor?
She left me as soon as my warranty expired.
Lyn Nieri
 
I am NOT all wet!!
Go out? No, I refuse to operate in public.
Have you got the hots for me, babe?
Frankly, I think you're just a lot of hot air
You know, we make quite a team.
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
I think I need to switch my spray and wash to decaf.
Next thing that lazy ass will be asking us to hang'em too.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Calling me wishy-washy was a low blow!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Maybe switching to decaf spray and wash would stop my shaking problem.
Tim Tribbett, greensboro
 
1. I wash - you dry. Doesn't that seem fair?
2. Sooo, I have a sore throat.
3. I create suds - what do your create - lint - how good is that?
Gerry McCabe, Greensboro
 
Do you ever have that not so fresh mildew smell?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Even I don't know what some of those settings mean.
Tim Tribbett
 
1.) I don't shout out stains. I try to reason with them first.
2.) I don't shout out stains. I coax them out gently.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Are you done with that Snuggie? Tim needs it for Monday.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Spray and wash ain't gonna get THAT out!
2.) I'm not sure she understands what "dry clean only" means.
3.) Sometimes I daydream that it's high "Tide" and I can feel the "Febreeze" in my face.
4.) The man needs a freakin' bib!
5.) Did you see him sniff that and take it out of the hamper?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
But Wait...There's MORE!
LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009
Marcia Minsky, Chair - LosCon 36
 
"Stop me if you've heard this one 'A fire hydrant & a trash can walk into a bar...'   ."
"Well...first you have to know what makes you hot, then think about it."
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
 
Do you ever feel like you're running in circles?
Lyn Nieri
 
Honest! I didn't know it was a bad word.
Barbara Cashman, Greensboro
 
Just think, no dirty laundry about you will ever be aired in public again !
Your hanging out alone days are over !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Best 80's song ... I'll Tumble For Ya"
"I like any music by 'The Spin Doctors'"
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Hillsborough
 
"Wanna get stacked?"
"Yeah, so what if your old roommate was a top-loader ..."
Jon Barsanti, Jr., Hillsborough
 
How's your lint sculpture coming along?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"It's a fact!" said our youngest son, Matt.
"When you're cleaning a shirt or a hat,
Use the washer and drier.
They're great for attire.
Don't try them when washing the cat."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
19. That sock sure tasted good!
20. That guy will never learn, he put his new red shirt in with his underwear!
21. I'm loaded!
22. She really knows how to push my buttons!
23. I don't know why she gripes so much, we do all the work!
24. When was the last time she bothered to clean your filter?!
25. Smelly, smelly, smelly!
26. I'm not a miracle worker, ya know!
27. Do I look a little lighter, I've been working out!
28. Heavy duty!
29. Boy we're getting a good workout today!
Nancy Nelson
 
Boy, I wish she'd switch to disposable diapers!!!
Jessica Murphy
 
1. "Get ready for a pink load. The idiot added a red tee to his wife's whites!"
2. "After washing his hunting lodge clothes, I'll need re-piping!"
3. "He left his wallet in his pants.At least the money won't be filthy anymore!"
4. "The kids threw the cat in.Get ready for one huge hairball l!!!"
5. "The kids put the bunny in..Get ready for a huge hare-ball !!!!"
6. "Boy if these sheets could talk!"
7. "Al Gore wants to replace you with a clothes line!"
8. "I found (out) my grandfather (was) a wash tub on Ancestor's.com!"
9. "I'd like to plug your vent!!!"
10. "Your vent stinks.What have you been drying?"
11. "The stain on this dress is worse than Monica's!"
Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 I liked number 8. Really went outside the box, but the wording was messed up –I added what I thought were missing words inside parentheses.
 
I prefer the piquant flavor of Palmolive . . . and I want an Official Red Ryder for Christmas.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"You're a recovering sockaholic?"
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
1. “Having you next to me always gives me a warm feeling.”
2. “You always could see right through me.”
3. “Are you as loaded as I am?”
4. “You complete me.”
5. “How come every time I get an upset stomach, you get a fever?”
6. “I had a dream that you were a trash can and I was a fire hydrant.”
7. “I’m shaken - are you baken?”
8. “Sorry, but your next load is going to be about 90 percent lint.”
9. “Don’t you ever get thirsty?”
10. “I just don’t get your dry sense of humor.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
I thought that was a distant mountain but it turned out to be a pile of stinky socks.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Caption entry for cartoon: alligator and lion on park bench:
"I'll trade you my sardine sandwich for your wildebeast wrap."
Marilyn Obermeyer, Amherst, NY
 
1. If I get one more load of dirty diapers I will scream.
2. It's not easy being the washer in a maternity ward.
3. Watch it! I saw you staring at that younger washer.
4. Sure wish they would make chocolate flavored detergent!
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
 
"Stop agitating me."
"How did you get lint in your bellybutton?"
"No, it used to be Jess White and then it was Gordon Jump."
"You think it's a nickel? I think it's a dime."
"Listen, if we're going to kiss, you better switch me over to delicate."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
Ready for my load baby?
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach
 
When I'm done, care for a tumble?
Les Thomas
 
And then she said he was all washed up like it was a bad thing.
Diane Bishop, Greensboro
 
"She's fine until the spin cycle...then it gets weird..."
"You Turn My Stomach!"
"Whatever I ate last night doesn't seem to agree with me..."
"You ever get that 'Not So Fresh' feeling?!?"
"I'm queezy ALL the time..."
"Well...last week it was a fire hydrant and a trash can so I'm not surprised..."
"OK...once more...Who's on first...What's on second...and I Don't Know is on third..."
"The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round..."
"I think there's too much Starch in my diet..."
"I think you and I should iron a few things out..."
"This?!?!? THIS makes you all hot and bothered?!?!?"
"I got their Dry Clean Only right here...BaddaBing!!"
"Ancient Chinese Secret..."
"Well, first I heard a bunch of Shouting but then he Wisks her away to the Ivory coast. He wanted to get there before the Tide came in. It was a Bold move if you ask me. I'm not sure what he hoped to Gain from all this but today there seems to be more Bounce in her step and they Snuggle all the time. Hopefully it ends up being a Fresh Start for both of them!"
"Did you hear? Barack Obama watched a college football game last weekend and today he won the Heisman Trophy!!"
"Did you hear? Barack Obama went to the movies last Saturday night and today he won an Oscar!!"
"Martha Stewart called...she's not amused..."
"You...Spin...Me...Right Round Baby Right Round Like A Washer Baby...."
"OK...a priest, a cartoonist, and a ostrich all walk into a laundromat holding hotdogs..."
"Well I DVR'd this show called SCRUBS and boy was I disappointed"
"It could be worse...we could be Avacodo Green!"
"It was the OxyClean I SWEAR!"
"Remember that new red sock that went missing last week...watch this..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
You're hot, my stomach's churning -- it's THE FLU!!!
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Its not my fault the Maytag guy wants to service me.
You used to hit all the right buttons.
I can't help it ..our owner turns me on.
You can tell me. What do you really do with their socks?
David Graves, Browns Summit
 
1) We've got to keep our story straight about the missing sock !
2) It's so weird. There's never any lint on them when they put them in.
3) It makes me feel weird when she leans against me when I'm on spin cycle.
4) You know you can be replaced with a colthsline .
5) Do you think I have a shot at a date with the microwave ?
Darrell Clark
                                                  
"I do all the dirty work and you get all the credit!"
"Why is his underwear always so bloody?"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
"I'm in hot water and you're getting a lot of static."
"I like to put my own spin on things."
"Sorry for all the rust I've caused you."
"What's prong with you?"
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
" Welcome, the other guy was all dried-up."
"Okay, it time for one of us to break down."
" Boy, you got some nice lingerie coming your way."
" No, that not my stomach rumberling."
 James E.Ferrell, McLeansville

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, October 16, 2009 at 7:00 am

October 9, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 100909

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
This one was a little tough, but you guys still managed to come up with quite a few keepers.
The Jr. category is heating up (thanks, Louise!) The competition there is getting pretty fierce. This week, St. Pius X is the winning school thanks to Fraser. A big shout-out to Jr. runner-up Nahla Graham of Frazier Elementary. Keep ’em coming!
And don‘t forget, I do birthday greetings right here. Just give me a few days notice and the birthday person’s name.

 

WINNER
If I only had a way to open my spouts, I could fight back.
 Ken Layton, Carthage
 
RUNNERS-UP
So how is that no plastic diet working for you?
 David Graves, Browns Summit
 
Of course you feel empty inside. The garbage truck just came doofus.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"I tell you, without all those recyclables, you look ten pounds lighter."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
I'm able to keep this job only because of my connections !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
“Hey buddy, my eyes are up here.”
Kristin Mills
 
"I don't know what that last dog ate, but my paint is peeling!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
 
“I’m more of a cat person.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"No we are not getting a dog."
Paula R. Hairston, Greensboro
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
"The garbage guy's nothing. You should see what the DOG does to ME."
Fraser Welsford, 10, St. Pius X catholic school
 
JR. CATEGORY RUNNER-UP
You think you have it bad. I get a visit from each dog three times a week!
Nahla Graham, Frazier
 
MATURE
1. "MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT, IT IS BETTER TO BE P*SS*D OFF THAN P*SS*D ON."
PAULA R. HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO
 
"How did you know I was cold?"
"Why do you think I have triplets?"
"Why of course they're not real."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"Either I had a wet dream or a dog came by late last night."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
I keep telling you, if you want to talk don’t go “psssssssst” it freaks me out!
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach
 
5. I'm p*ssed on! 
Nancy Nelson
 
Whoa, no offense whoever you are but I must have been really drunk last night!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
“The Center for Disease Control has announced the H1N1 flu pandemic is over, staved off mainly by the willingness of the population to repeatedly wash their hands to contain the spread of the virus.  In other health news, psychiatrists around the country are reporting a spike in the number of cases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a symptom of which can be that the person affected repeatedly washes their hands.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Have you tried a grouch exterminator?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Doesn’t Oscar’s fur tickle?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I’m getting worried. What was Rickard doing when he got the inspiration for us?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Tim remembered an appropriate theme for National Fire Safety Week. Could he remember National Chicken Month was September?"
Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough
 
"...then she said, "henceforth this shall be called the poop deck."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
 
BEST POEM
Fire hydrants all feel so beat
Every time that a canine they meet.
They are constantly hopin’
Their valves would just open
And blast those mutts clear ‘cross the street.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST/WORST PUN
That’s just between you and me, okay? So keep a lid on it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I guess with all the dogs in the neighborhood, you could call my brothers and me peons.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
The Worst? Labradors, Shepards, and Collies. . .
 Ken Layton, Carthage
 
I don't know which is worst, your possum or my dog !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
You just don't understand the pressure I'm under.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Uh oh,trash police. Better hide those plastic bottles!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
You're really trashy Sally. That's why all these guys keep dumping you!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
As far as dogs go, if you watch my back I'll watch yours.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
THE JUDGES DIDN’T PICK THESE BUT SHOULD HAVE CATEGORY
Whoa, no offense whoever you are but I must have been really drunk last night!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
This is the worst blind date EVER!!!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES
"The garbage guy's nothing. You should see what the DOG does to ME."
Fraser Welsford, 10, St. Pius X catholic school
 
Submitted by Louise Monroe
Washington School junior entry
Hannaneh Mirmozaffari: What's that smell? Oh, man, did somebody throw some elephant manure in you?
 
Rankin School Junior entries
Thao Vi Thi Huynh: I'd rather go talk to the sidewalk.
Alexis Witt: Ew! Do you have a dead cat in there?
Jordyn Drumwright: Can somebody take him out?!?
L. Goodman: I hate to break it to you , but you are rotten!
Zaira G: Be a ventriloquist or somehting because i can't understand sign language.
Brittany C: Hey, dude, what's up with your face? You don't have a mouth.
 
Frazier School Junior Entries
Jayna Patel: I've been stuck with this smell. I wonder what it is.
Deja Headen: When will the trash man come again, because I'm getting tired of this.
Mekensie Bostic: Do you want me to spray you? You smell awful!
Angel Nguyed: Hi, Mr. Trash Can. Is there a dog in there? Don't let the dog get away!
Ny'Asia Dixon: I'm stuck beside you against my will! I wish I could hose you.
Nahla Graham: You think you have it bad. I get a visit from each dog three times a week!
A.J. Why am I the target?
April A.: Who do you think the dog will go to first, me or you?
 
THE REST
Dog approaching at 3 o'clock. Execute plan 6-2 alpha go, go, go !
2.) As far as dogs go, if you watch my back I'll watch yours.
3.) I'm telling you this as a friend. You have a body odor problem.
4.) Did you get that dog's tag number?!
5.) If one more person tells me I'm built like a fireplug....!
6.) Of course you feel empty inside. The garbage truck just came doofus.
7.) PEEE-EEWWW, what the heck did they just put inside you?!
8.) Would you mind closing your lid?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
You'd be a much better athlete if you didn't do so much trash talking.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"So what if you're getting a little stinky (from their trash), dogs pee on me.
Ronnie Phillips
 
I'm getting worried. What was Rickard doing when he got the inspiration for us?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
For the Noah's Ark type cartoon:
I thought you were gathering the females.
Patrick Nichols, San Diego, California
 
The Worst? Labradors, Shepards, and Collies. . .
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
If I only had a way to open my spouts, I could fight back.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
I have connections, you know!
I am not shallow!
Ah! but I'll have you know I have hidden depths
I could blow my top for you
Let's roll around a bit
Keep your lid on!
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
 
"I'm full. How about you?"
Brian Clarke, 14, Greensboro
 
That's just between you and me, okay? So keep a lid on it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Have you tried a grouch exterminator?
2.) Have you tried a grouchercism?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
This is the worst blind date EVER!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Watch out for the Sheppard...he's got a bladder infection.
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
Doesn't Oscar's fur tickle?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I guess with all the dogs in the neighborhood, you could call my brothers and me peons.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
1. "MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT, IT IS BETTER TO BE P*SS*D OFF THAN P*SS*D ON."
2. "WHEN I SAID PUT A LID ON IT I DIDN'T MEAN LITERALLY."
3. "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT BUDDY".
4. "JUST ONCE I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO SQUIRT BACK".
5. "NO WE ARE NOT GETTING A DOG".
6. "WANNA PLAY SCRATCH AND SNIFF?"
PAULA R. HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO
 
Oh no! Here comes that pack of dogs again.
I'm sorry Carl, I just have this thing for Firemen.
Noelle Polson, Jacksonville, Florida
 
"The Center for Disease Control has announced the H1N1 flu pandemic is over, staved off mainly by the willingness of the population to repeatedly wash their hands to contain the spread of the virus. In other health news, psychiatrists around the country are reporting a spike in the number of cases of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a symptom of which can be that the person affected repeatedly washes their hands."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Have you tried a grouchorcism?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
1.) When I take a walk the parked cars magically get little papers on their windshields.
2.) The guy was looking at a piece of paper on his windshield and yelling at me!
3.) Wanna see me make that guy get a ticket? Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
"You have to take a lot of trash but consider my predicament!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
THANKS FOR HANGING OUT WITH ME
Mary Williams, Lexington
 
Are you always so full of garbage ?
Sorry to be the one to tell you, but you have bad breath !
I'm able to keep this job only because of my connections !
You can leave anytime, I've got to stay !
You've really helped clean up the block, kid !
He only sniffs you, I get his spray job, if you know what I mean !
 
I play golf too, but I hate doglegs !
Keep your lid on, kid ! Maybe he'll just sniff both of us this time !
Look out ! I can't hold my water much longer !
Peewee says he does it because I'm one of his teritory markers !
Long as I'm here, no car will ever block your view !
Dog gone ?
The pitbull calls it the mark of the beast !
Your predecessor was canned after only a year of service !
My job is 24/7. That's why I'm permanent and you are temporary !
I feel more flushed than empty after my check-ups !
You got a bad case of BO !
I'm feeling a little dehydrated after standing here all day !
We could sing, " Brighten the Corner Where You Are " !
It's OK, I've got plenty of friends of in low places !
He always gives me the hind leg when he walks by !
Which is worst, me getting the spray, or you getting the scoops ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Sorry dear but you're just too trashy to take home to mom.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
You think you got it bad? Only thing dog's do to you is, justknock you over & see what you got inside you. In my case dogs use me for a bathroom,so count yourself lucky brother.
Mike Greeson Greensboro
 
1.For the last time I'm not your Dad and I've never even met a wicker basket!
2.) Uh oh,trash police.Better hide those plastic bottles!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Nausea? Could it be something you ate?
2.) Garbage in,garbage out. 3.) If I tell you a something can you keep it under your lid?
4.) Dude,you're not a teenager.You can't keep eating like that.
5.)Ok,I promise to put you out if hobos start a fire.
6.) Sorry pal,I don't have any Pepto.
7.) Upset stomach? Fred, they just dumped rancid hot dogs and chunky green milk into you!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Maybe you could get a grouchorcist to perform a grouchorcism.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
You're really trashy Sally. That's why all these guys keep dumping you!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Min-Pins are one thing - Great Danes really P*&& me off"
"All your trash talking is making me blush."
"Red ... I should be Green and white to match the N&R masthead."
"I just got a note from my 'doctor.' He is going to 'flush me out' this Friday."
"Put a lid on it."
"Wolfpack Red ... I want to be Carolina Blue"
Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough
 
"I got a fresh coat of paint to Celebrate National Fire Safety Week - What did you due to celebrate" (October 4-10)
"Tim remembered an appropriate theme for National Fire Safety Week. Could he remember National Chicken Month was September?"
Jon Barsanti, Jr, Hillsborough
 
1) O.K., here's the plan. I take the little canine out & you hide the body.
2) I've had about enough of your trash talk!
3) Could you please take a step back? Those diapers are getting a little ripe.
4) No offence, but what have you been eating???
5) Good lord man! Your breath would knock a buzzard off a carcass!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.
 
I'll flush the place if you will collect the debri.
Yeah!!! We can do the job together.
We'll have to watch for dogs and can kickers.
John Collie, Reidsville
 
"How did you know I was cold?"
"Why do you think I have triplets?"
"Why of course they're not real."
"C'mon, give us a hug."
"Why do you keep staring at my valves?"
"I'm always feeling like I have to go."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
1.)Whoa,no offense whoever you are but I must have been really drunk last night!
2.) Waking up after these one night stands is getting kinda scary!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"You can play but watch what you say to the other team."
"You mean they try to push your lid inside you knowing it's a smaller diameter?"
"You should have been here Tuesday during recycle day."
"Hey look, I just joined the one million gallon club."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
1. Sooo, it's Halloweeen.
2. Is that your Halloween costume?
3. What - I hurt my neck.
4. So, I have a stiff neck - what's your complaint?
5, Did I forget my tie?
Gerry McCabe, Greensboro
 
The Greensboro Fire Department came around last week -- that's why I look flushed.
Joan Lux Greensboro
 
"I tell you, without all those recyclables, you look ten pounds lighter."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"Seems like you get dumped every week."
"We're classy ladies. Why do we attract all the dogs?"
"You DO have a lot of baggage. You just hide it all inside."
"Hold the sob story. I endure the same indignities seven days a week."
"Couples counseling isn't working. I'm still passive and you're always flipping your lid!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
Just once, I'd like a hose on my outlet to wet that dog down !
At least the cats look for a sandbox !
Do you think I look like a urinal ?
I don't which is worst, your possum or my dog !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Quit your complaining; at least you don't get used by Dogs."
Keenan Coleman, Greensboro
 
So people always tell you that you smell.....Waaaaahhh, Waaahhhh. Wait until you see what happens to me when this dog comes by - then remind me of how bad you've got it. Gimme a break!
Brian Tyler, Greensboro
 
"Hey buddy, my eyes are up here."
Kristin Mills
 
Maybe you could get a grouchorcist to perform a grouchorcism.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
" Don't give me that Pee story again."
"I'm waiting for that cute female fireman to unscrew me."
"Stop all the trash talking."
"Your breath stinks, man."
"Have you seen my man, Big Dumpster, lately.''
"Either I had a wet dream or a dog came by late last night."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
"I tell you, without the recyclables, you look ten pounds lighter."
"I told you those soda bottles were nothing but empty calories."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
I was originally a part of the "Two Guys Named Chris" logo, but I got cut.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Why are you always trash talking me ?
Can you move down wind please ?
How do you handle having a gut check every week ?
Why do you always want to dump your problems on me ?
I do my best work under pressure !
I can handle pressure better than you any day of the week !
You can't stay here ! This is a no parking zone !
Because of me, you'll no longer be an easy pick-up here !
What's wrong, you're looking down in the dumps ?
I hear you got friends in low places !
Move on, nobody is allowed to park here but me.
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
     
Phew !  Did you forget to take the garbage out last week ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I keep telling you, if you want to talk don't go "psssssssst" it freaks me out!
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach
 
1.)SNIFF, Geez Fred,when's the last time they dumped you?
2.)You're trashy Rhonda and that's why guys dump you!
3.) If you pull out the grouch make sure you get the head or it'll get infected.
4.)What's got into you lately anyway?! 5.) You just don't understand the pressure I'm under.
6.)Oh geez,please tell me I remembered to use protection!
7.) No dear, I'm not ashamed of you. Quick hide!!!!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Of course I'm not ashamed of you sweetie.Now get back under the tarp!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro         
 
1. “If you’re the Tin Man, tell Dorothy to keep Toto away from me.”
2. “I’m more of a cat person.”
3. “Agent 86, is that you?”
4. “Uh oh! That Great Dane has a strained look on his face.”
5. “You mind covering me, I appear to be a little short.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
who you lookin at trash mouth?
Nasrin R
 
How do you keep any self esteem after getting dumped each week ?
It's kind of sad watching you get dumped each week !
It's not the outside, but what's inside that counts !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
1."Let's play Kick the Can!"
2."It's true..You're being replaced by an eighty gallon flip-top!"
3."Keep your lid on.It's dead fish day!!!"
4."I appreciate your problems with raccoons. It's dogs that drive me crazy!!!"
5."Thirsty???"
6."Next Tuesday is Flush Day.And believe me you need a flush!!!"
7."You're right no one appreciates our services!!!"
8."Stop complaining.at least you get to move back into the yard!!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
Phew!
2. Life stinks!
3. Someone forgot the Hefty!
4. We need to be hosed down!
5. Im p*ss*d on! 
Nancy Nelson
 
Asparagus??? Sparky ate the asparagus???
Douglas Booth, Sophia
 
My tank reads: F AS IN FULL I'm leaking.
Taniya S. Jr.DIVISION
 
"I think I can.  Get it?  I think I can.
 Jim Hoskins, Greensboro
 
"I'm tired of your trash talk."
Jack Hoskins, Age 12, Greensboro
 
So how is that no plastic diet working for you?
 David Graves, Browns Summit
 
1. "Frankly, we could both use the power of Pine Sol!"
2. "I don't know what that last dog ate, but my paint is peeling!"
3. "...then she said, "henceforth this shall be called the poop deck"."
4. "At least you have a liner!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
 
I’m not in the mood to talk trash.
That discarded candy wrapper deserved to get canned.
I usually get picked up once a week on this corner.
Today’s not pick up day so don’t blow your top.
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
"You're feeling full? Lemme tell you about pressure, Pal!"
"You get no respect? You ever hear about Marmaduke and his habits?"
G. A. Rilling, Madison

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, October 9, 2009 at 11:25 am

October 2, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 100209

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
  
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
No, Jeanette, you didn’t win because of the nice things you said in your e-mail. Our judges were unaware of that when they picked your caption as this week’s winner.
But thank you very much anyway.
If you want to know whatever happened to unicorns, we have several people offering up their suggestions on the blog.
A lot of good entries this week and very evenly distributed --- a lot of different and new names made the short list this week.

WINNER
Henceforth this shall be called the 'Poop Deck' "
Jeanette Bowling
 
RUNNERS-UP
Wow, some of those sinners can really tread water.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"Nobody will believe this. Someone has got to write a book."
Stephen Botts , Greensboro
 
How can you remember two of everything else and forget one freaking shovel?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
The elephants are refusing to share a stall with the donkeys.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
Just once can you book a cruise that doesn't allow pets?
David Graves, Browns Summit
 
Al Gore warned us this was going to happen.
Darrell Clark
 
"My bad, Noah. From here out, after we finish up the unicorn stew, it's salads only."
Kevin Little
 
Are we there yet?
Linda Willard, High Point
Jim Pitcher, Greensboro
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
(If I missed anyone, let me know)
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
Noah, what kind of Cruise is this?
Jessica W., Rankin Elementary
 
MATURE
Who farted?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
"Have you SEEN what the Gorilla's are doing with the Gerbels?!?!?!?!”
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
Speak up! I can't hearing you over all the farting.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Not taking, I said the monkeys are in our bedroom playing craps."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"Sh***r was full!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
Well, Mr. Polanski, you should know...my name is Chris Hansen, and I’m with Dateline NBC...
 
I’m sorry, Conan, the network has changed your contract. You have to wear that helmet when doing any more physical stunts on the show.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
You mean someone got in trouble for saying one of the "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" on the show whose first host was the guy who wrote the list?
Ken Sheldon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
“A Dingo ate my baby!”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"I think we need a bigger boat!"
Lorraine Moretti, Burlington
 
We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
Derek Bourgeois
 
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip..."  
David Holley, Greensboro
 
Oh great, I can't get the Love Boat theme song out of my head!
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
 
"Tell Gopher I want to see him on the Promenade deck."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"Why in the world are Charo and the Landers twins on here again this week?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"Sh****r was full!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Wait … cousin Eddie’s on board?
 
"There's some kid clinging to the side of the ark screaming, 'Geppetto!, Geppetto!'"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
GETS AN “A” FOR PAYING ATTENTION IN SUNDAY SCHOOL
“You should stop worrying about your age, 600 is the new 500.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
“I wouldn’t get drunk in front of the boys if I were you.”
“The pigs are trying to mate with Ham again.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
I don't think that freakin' dove is ever coming back!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Shem and Japeth were playing ball and Ham's Termite Farm got knocked over..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
"Hungry or not, we're not eating Ham."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
 
They all voted on some place called Arrarat.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
It's a little small. Are you sure you know how long a cubit is?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
“Those donuts you got from Tim are really getting soggy.”
Chuck Norton, Reidsville
 
"Wow...this much rain makes me wonder why we moved to Greensboro in the first place..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
"I hope the sewage system is better than Thomasville."(Being a High Rock fisherman, I could'nt help myself.)
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
BEST POEM
“On the ark it’s so boring,” sighed Noah.
“Time just passes by sloah and sloah.
Though I did what God said,
I am looking ahead
To when we will return back to shoah”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
How divine!
Noah followed God's divine plan,
He built the ark as instructed,
Everyone else said that humongus boat
would never stay afloat,
He lined the animals up two by two,
one male, one female, just as he was told to do!
He gathered his family and supplies too and prepared for the impending flood,
Those on the outside who had their doubts and called Noah a fool
were wishing they had listened but it was too late
and they would soon meet their fate,
Using God's plan
Noah helped to save our land.
Now that's divine providence
Nancy Nelson   
 
BEST/WORST PUN
We’ve gotta go back – the elephants said they forgot to pack their trunks.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY
“A Dingo ate my baby!”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
Dear, did you notice that you only brought one unicorn? 
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"When I said I wanted to retire to Florida and take up sailing this wasn't what I had in mind..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
"You've got two of everything except bathrooms. Way to go, genius."
Stephen Botts , Greensboro
 
I don't want you to panic but P.E.T.A. is in a speed boat right behind us.
Darrell Clark
 
"For heaven's sake, now I know why they call this the poop deck."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
(Sorry, Joel, the judges seemed to prefer Jeanette’s wording)
 
I said you were right. Please stop gloating.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Um,I think both those unicorns are girls.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Next time, let’s just hand out life vests.
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
“Now only those with vertebrae this time: 99 bottles of beer on the wall….”
 Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES
Noah, what kind of Cruise is this?
Jessica W. Rankin Elementary
 
From Frazier, submitted by Louise Monroe
fifth graders
Mekensie Bostic: What are we going to do with all the animals? I'm getting tired of this ark!
 
Deja Headen: Don't you think you are overreacting?
 
Nahla Graham: I'm tired of being on this ark. I'm getting seasick, and it smells like a wet barn!
 
TeAsia Holliman: Do you think the animals will have to go to the bathroom? And how will we feed them?
 
Angel Nguyen: Can you make this boat go any faster? I think there is a storm coiming, and I don't want to drown.
 
fourth graders
J.D. What? We HAD to bring them. Didn't you see the "adopt an animal" commercials?
 
April A.   I told you we should have taken the bus!
 
A. J.   But the salesman said I'd get 50% off if I.. uh, uh, uh, crammed in another hippo.
 
Zachary Dude, is it just me, or does it really stink?
 
THE REST
Are we there yet?
Linda Willard, High Point
 
We need a cleanup on deck two.
2.) It smells like a zoo around here.
3.) I think I'll just stay up here in the fresh air.
4.) Where's the Ladies room?
5.) Have you seen the pooper scooper?
6.) I see you came up for some fresh air too.
7.) Sooo,who did you get to cleanup after them?
8.) We can just have the monkeys fling theirs overboard.
9.) Dear,did you notice that you only brought one unicorn?
10.) I don't think that freakin' dove is ever coming back!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Are you still hearing voices?
2.) If it hadn't rained I was going to have you put away.
3.) Good call on this ark thing dear.
4.) He said for you to get a hot young wife?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Did he just say 'AFLAC' ?? "
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
 
"He didn't even say where we're going?"
Cal Sigler, Browns Summit
 
"Are you sure mosquitos were on the list?"
Cal Sigler, Browns Summit
 
It's probably too late to let you know I'm allergic to animal dander.
You really should have put in better ventilation downstairs.
I didn't see the unicorns get on. Did you?
When the storm lets up, all these animals are going back to the Atlanta Zoo.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
You booked a pair of skunks in our stateroom? I think NOT!
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
And who do you think is going to have to clean up after them? Not me, that's who!
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
How stupid! You remember the hellatious Tasmanian devils but forget the cute pair of unicorns. . .
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
1) Thanks to the platypus we now know you can't put ducks and beavers together !
2) Wait till Darwin has to explain our platypus.
Darrell Clark
                                      
"So, where's the pooper scooper?"
Mebane Ham, Greensboro
 
"Stop feeding beans to the camels."
Sharon Shepard, Jamestown
 
We've gotta go back - the elephants said they forgot to pack their trunks.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Double or nothing.                                                         
James Durham, Greensboro
 
"You've got a registered letter from the Sinai Sanitation Department marked URGENT."
Royce H. Riddick, Greensboro
 
Here is my entry for the jokes on you:
Noah, are you SURE you have 2 of a kind?
Debra Cook, McLeansville
 
"The galley's full of cockroaches."
Charles Tanquary, Greensboro
 
Who farted?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
Where Politicians came from................OK, we forgot the second Goat and Monkey. NOW what?
Dean Tribbett, VA Beach VA
 
"We forgot to bring unicorns and dragons."
"We forgot to bring unicorns and dragons and I can't find the bigfoot."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
So ! Is this your idea of a Love Boat ?
Males starboard, females port, so boat won't rock !
I'll always be your first mate, Captain !
I told you we could use more trunk space !
Why can't you be like Moses, he always walked on dry land ?
That pair of wooodpeckers could sink the whole boat !
It's bottoms up, if we don't find those two woodpeckers !
Bad news, those two termits are at it again !
There is a reason HE said male & female, Noah
Don't look now, but that's two male elephants !
Let's rock the boat, baby !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Hi...I'm your local Geico agent..."
"All I asked you to do was take out the trash..."
"What the heck is a GPS?"
"A dog house. All I asked you to do was build Scruffy a dog house..."
"Will you PLEASE just ask for directions?!?!?"
"Well...all the Giraffes have sore throats, the Llamas are won't stop spitting on the Chipmunks, and we're all out of Miracle Whip!"
"You got peanut butter in my chocolate..."
"Looks like your friend request was accepted."
"Now WHO told you to build this contraption?!?!?"
"When I said I wanted to retire to Florida and take up sailing this wasn't what I had in mind..."
"Are we there yet?"
"Did you mention the 'No Cross Breeding' rule before we set sail??"
"I think I left the coffee pot on..."
"Couldn't you have just bought an umbrella instead?"
"Do you think we'll make it in time for Desperate Housewives?"
"Next time try the train..."
"Look PT...I don't know what this circus thing is your taking about but I don't like it."
"My turn! I spy with my little eye..."
"Wow...this much rain makes me wonder why we moved to Greensboro in the first place..."
"You'll do anything to avoid visiting my parents won't you?"
"Have you SEEN what the Gorilla's are doing with the Gerbels?!?!?!?!"
"I don't know about you but I think this whole 'religion' thing is a little silly..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
P.S. I missed a great caption for last week. I'm sure you'll get it...
"Well let's see what my 'Anxiety Closet' has in store for me tonight..."
I miss Binkley
                         
They're on lookout for Jaws !
They 'd like you to sing Anchors Aweigh, dear !
They can't sleep after you read them Moby Dick !
I call them my rainbow coalition !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"Who has bathroom cleanup this week?"
Jacki, Greensboro
 
UMM.. I THINK WE FORGOT NOAH
TAHA MIRMOZAFFARI
 
"Oh no I forgot to update my twitter before we left!"
Ian Dovan, Greensboro
 
1. Did anyone take roll call? I think we are missing a "twosome".
2. I've heard of 20 people in a VW Bug but this many in an ark is ridiculuous.
3. Being this crowded, how can we ever go to the bathroom?
4. And you thought Katrina was bad.
Gerry McCabe, Greensboro
 
The family decided they'd rather go to the water park instead.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       L.Moore, L.Moore, High Point
 
"My bad, Noah. From here out, after we finish up the unicorn stew, it's salads only."
Kevin Little
 
uh Dad...major problem...the pooper scooper is lost.
Sharon Kornegay, Greensboro
 
Did the lounge lizards make it aboard?
When does the midnight buffet start?
I take it dinner's on the hoof.
Where are you hiding the male of my species?
The giraffes keep peeking in my transom.
The brochure didn't say I'd have to share a shoe closet with horses.
The zebras aren't the best specimens -- their stripes are wiggley.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
The geckos keep bragging about the money they made selling flood insurance.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Peee-ewww, this would be a good place for a stick up.
2.) Are you sure you got the cubits right?
3.) I'll know better next time you say we're taking an exotic cruise.
4.) We shouldn't have put the ducks and beavers so close together.
5.) Ok dear, whatever floats your boat.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
"I think we should throw the mosquitoes overboard."
Bob Fitzsimons, Greensboro
 
"I know He said two, but there are at least 16 rabbits below deck."
Willa Gold, Reidsville
 
Well, if I find me a wife, can I stay?
Marcia James, Jamestown
 
1.) I think I've been pretty understanding but I draw the line at cubit zirconium.
2.) Ok, I admit you were right this ONE time.
3.) Please tell me you're not still hearing voices.
4.) Yes dear, we did need the rain.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"What did I tell you, Monkey? This isn't a Singles Cruise!"
Wade Tanico, Greensboro
 
Sure hope you brought a shovel, Noah !
Why complain, we're all in the same boat !
You were right, glad I didn't miss this boat ride !
Guess two heads really are better than one !
This cruise for couples was really a good idea, Noah !
Don't you think it's more fun traveling in pairs !
Who designed this boat anyway ?
Those giraffes really have a heads-up over the rest of us !
Guess what, I forgot our umbrellas !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
This better be the last thing on your Bucket List !
Whose turn is it to waters the critters !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I don't care if she's single, you should've ask Elly Mae Clampett too !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"What do you mean we forgot the Unicorns?! Are you sure?!"
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville
 
"I told the skunks there would be another ark in 15 minutes."
Nancy Stevens, Jamestown
 
Wow,some of those sinners can really tread water.
2.) Look at all the synchronized swimming down there.
3.) Speak up! I can't hearing you over all the farting.
4.) Good thing you asked him to repeat that "build a park" command.
5.) I think you have something on your sandal.
6.) I think I just stepped in something.
7.) Was it really necessary to bring the ducks?
8.) I think you're just making stuff up now.
9.)Did you put the cooking fire out before we left?
10.) I said you were right. Please stop gloating.
11.) He didn't mention a sail or some type of rudder?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Now remember, tonight's our date night."
"Bobo wants to know if you want cheese on your burger."
"They want to know if there will be a show."
"Oh my gosh, did you remember to take the movies back?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
"For heaven's sake, now I know why they call this the poop deck."
"If you're going to shoot skeet again, I'd better bring in the giraffes."
"I just wish the smaller, tastier animals could have been here to see this."
"Now don't just stop at the first place you come to."
"Have you noticed the cheetahs with their "holier than thou" attitude?"
"Is this the line for the buffet?"
"Tell Gopher I want to see him on the Promenade deck."
"Why in the world are Charo and the Landers twins on here again this week?"
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
Noah says, "All on Board Mate?"
Have you taken a head count tonight, Dear?
Nancy Collie, Reidsville
 
1.) You could have made the ladies room a few cubits bigger.
2.) I don't think "Monkey Business" is an appropriate ship name.
3.) Where is all the help to clean up the manure? Dear?..Why won't you answer me?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Curses! I forgot the Unicorns.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
"I think we need a bigger boat!"
Lorraine Moretti, Burlington
 
"Are We There Yet?"
Jim Pitcher, Greensboro
 
Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.
Derek Bourgeois
 
"You better find land very soon - we just ran out of litter boxes."
Wil Courter, Greensboro
 
"Did you enjoy the monkey and goat meat pot pies we had for lunch today, dear?"
Wil Courter, Greensboro
 
On Saturday I submitted a caption that I'd like to change slightly if possible---
Correct caption should be--
"I think we should throw the two mosquitoes overboard."
Bob Fitzsimons, Greensboro
 
1. How can you remember two of everything else and forget one freaking shovel?
2. You forgot to fix them a place to do WHAT?
3. Noah!! What do you mean you forgot the shovel?
4. Did I bring a shovel? No, why do you ask?
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
 
1,) You might want to keep the woodpeckers away from the hull.
2.) We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
Mt. Ararat or bust!
Hey Noah, where's the poop scooper?
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
"Pirates?  No, I haven't read anything about Pirates."
"Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip..."
"What do you mean you never got the permit for indoor plumbing!?"
"I don't care if I don't sound like Judy Garland, I want to sing!"
"Somewhere over the rainbow..." 
 David Holley, Greensboro
 
"When you said 'cruise vacation', you left out a few details."
 Julie Gentile, Oak Ridge
 
Quick...they need you down below....the hyenas are at it again!
Chris Marland, Greensboro
 
"Henceforth this shall be called the 'Poop Deck' "
Jeanette Bowling
 
Just once can you book a cruise that doesn't allow pets?
David Graves, Browns Summit
 
Guess we'll just have to home school the kids now !
The only school bus we're likely to see is Columbus !
Since we're travelling in circles, why don't we call it the Ringling Circus ?
I've got them all watching for icebergs !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
"I don't remember you saying, 'Bring your wife!' "
Bill Crawford, Greensboro
 
1. How devine!
2. Noah these animals stink!
3. Rain, rain, go away! 3. My allergies sure are bothering me!
4. Dr. Dolittle you're not!
5. I'm getting seasick! 6. Please don't rock the boat baby!
7. Did you remember to pack my nausea pills!
8. You better not be having an affair! 9. Naughty, naughty!
10. Where's your shovel?!
11. Would you like to go for a swim?! 12. Noah, you're getting gamey!
13. There's no fool like an old fool!
14. I want a DIVORCE!
15. I'm tired of fish, are you sure we can't kill that fat cow!
16. Glad you went with the devine plan!
17. I'm sure glad you didn't listen to me this time!
18. Don't you think we need a little devine intervention here?!
19. Shovel it! 20. You call this a cruise!
Nancy Nelson
 
"I guess it's safe to say we're in international waters."
"Oh honey, I've lost everything we own at the Roulette table."
"Somali pirates ten miles and closing."
"Not taking, I said the monkeys are in our bedroom playing craps."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
If the aardvarks aren't happy ain't nobody happy.
This rivals being stuck in a plane on the tarmac.
I saw a bird, I saw a bird, honest, I saw a bird!!!
The gazelles are grousing 'cause there's no indoor track in the workout room.
How are the happy meals holding up?
Watch out for a mutiny if there's no meat for supper.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Oh, Noah, the accommodations are just divine!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
"I hope the sewage system is better than Thomasville."
(Being a High Rock fisherman, I could'nt help myself.)
"No, I cleaned it out the last time."
"Daffy said to feed him." (look for the small guy in the center.)
"Yes, I do know where my ribs came from."
" I'm already wet, you left the toilet seat up last night."
" We're lost. Now, I know why Man will never stop and ask directions."
" Who idea was it to bunker the dogs and cats together?"
''You means this is not the Bahama cruise?"
" This will be my last cruise. Too much wildlife."
 James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
 
Oh great, I can't get the Love Boat theme song out of my head!
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
 
What? You forgot to load the Dung Beetles?
Cathy FitzGerald, Greensboro
 
Are we there yet?
Why didn't you do that before we left the house?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
It's a little small. Are you sure you know how long a cubit is?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
1.) "Since it's finally stopped raining, can we please put those two skunks on the top deck ?"
2.) "This is not what I had in mind when you said we were going on a cruise." 
Bobby Parsons, Eagle Springs, NC. 
 
Noah, I told you we should have added more air vents.
During flood season these Holy Land Cruises dominate the tourism market.
Corporate insists we stay with couples and don?t offer singles cruises.
Zebra overboard!
Gray Amick, Greensboro
 
“It is really deep Noah, really deep.”
Chuck Norton, Reidsville
 
“Those donuts you got from Tim are really getting soggy.”
Chuck Norton, Reidsville
 
1. "Interesting ship! What's the meal plan?"
2.  "Don't let the elephants mate! They'll rock the boat over!"
3. "I really don't belong in this cartoon!"
4. "My job is to clean the poop deck! That's all?!"
5. "Is this 'Carnival's Booze Cruise for Singles'?"
6. "Where can I find the dining room?"
7. "When's my turn at the Captain's table?"
Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
1. “You should stop worrying about your age, 600 is the new 500.”
2. “A Dingo ate my baby!”
3. “The elephants are refusing to share a stall with the donkeys.”
4. “I thought this was a singles cruise.”
5. “We don’t have anymore Dramamine for the animals. I suggest we abandoned ship.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
"These Cruise Ships Get More Crowded Every Year"
Bobby Smith
 
Bad news, both of the Giraffes are male.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
 
Noah, what kind of Cruise is this?
Jessica W., Rankin Elementary
 
1) I don't want you to panic but P.E.T.A. is in a speed boat right behind us.
2) Next time you talk to the G-Man, see if he can do something about the smell.
3) The elephants claim they were promised a private room.
4) Take a guess at what the monkeys are throwing at us.
5) Al Gore warned us this was going to happen.
6) Yes, it's fish for dinner again. It's always going to be fish for dinner.
7) So God never metioned building a sail for the boat.
8) Have you ever seen a hippo get sea sick ?
Darrell Clark
                                                  
"Have you cleaned out the litter box out yet?!"
Katie Clayton, McLeansville
 
 Um,I think both those unicorns are girls
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"When I said that I wanted to go on a cruise, this is not what I meant!"
"You'd have thought he would have commanded you to bring a shovel, too"
"Are we there yet?"
"Is this an ark or the Love Boat??"
"Now only those with vertebrae this time: 99 bottles of beer on the wall.."
"I wouldn't get drunk in front of the boys if I were you."
"I'm glad we don't have to worry about evil in the world anymore."
"The pigs are trying to mate with Ham again."
"There's a man named Ringling on the phone for you."
"I think it's just a passing shower."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
"Sh***r was full!"
"Uh...did ya' think to pack a plunger?!?!?"
"Shem and Japeth were playing ball and Ham's Termite Farm got knocked over..."
"Better call Terminix..."
"There's some kid clinging to the side of the ark screaming, 'Geppetto!, Geppetto!'"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
                                                              
"Did you really need two termites?"
"Well, you may have started with two rabbits..."
"Is it me, or does having two fish on board seem a little silly?"
"No, ah don't have any cornbread, Pa."
"We're having unicorn for supper."
"We're having unicorn for supper, sorry there was only two."
"You've got two of everything except bathrooms. Way to go, genius."
"Hungry or not, we're not eating Ham."
"Isn't the beard a little dramatic?"
"The GPS is out. We're gonna have to fine Ararat on our own."
"You need a bath. A little water never hurt anybody."
"I can see a rainbow, a rainbow, I can see a rainbow too. Catchy, huh?"
"Nobody will believe this. Someone has got to write a book."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

 
Posted by Tim Rickard on Friday, October 2, 2009 at 12:08 pm

September 25, 2009

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 092509

 Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

 
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
 
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
Great job everyone!
Another banner week full of A-list gags. The short-list (list of captions I pick for the judges to choose from) was HUGE! This may be the best week of entries ever. A couple even made me laugh out loud and that almost never happens. Big props to Tim T. and Darrell C. for their hilarious “Brokeback Mountain” references.

WINNER
"My wife's in the bedroom. Be quick and make it look like an accident."
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville
 
RUNNERS-UP
“Wait till you see the cockroaches.”
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
No, I'm pretty sure you want the termites next door.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Please, for my sake, don't bring your work home with you.
Darrell Clark
 
"Must have been a prank call. No ant infestation at THIS nuclear power plant."
Kevin Little
 
“It‘s me Steve, you’re hallucinating again. You need to start wearing your mask.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
 
'Nah We're Good.'
Matthew Cravey, Greensboro
 
Well you don't look anything like your picture on Facebook either
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
 
"Thank GOD you're here! You should see the size of this spider!"
Charles Hughes, Greensboro
 
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
Why are you staring at me? I’m going to a costume party!
A. J. L.
Frazier Elementary
 
PSYCHIC MATURE ENTRIES:
“That’s not how you milk a cow!”
“Side effects may include rectal hysteria.”
“Megan’s Law? Officer, she said her name was Tiffany.”
“This year’s Star Wars convention will be held, appropriately, in the U.S. Virgin Islands.”
“Don’t worry, Mr. and Mrs. Dahmer. I’m sure Jeffrey will grow up to be a normal, healthy adult.”
“Side effects may include anal chirping.”
“And the winner of NAMBLA’s Michael Jackson lifetime achievement award is….”
“As a young boy, little Jeffrey Dahmer loved hanging around the local mortuary.”
“Side effects may include a rainbow urinary stream.”
“In a surprising twist, Maury Povich was arrested today for not financially supporting his 86 children.”
“Before an intimate gathering of family and friends, Peppermint Patty and Marcie were married in a chapel in Vermont.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
PSYCHIC MATURE JUNIOR ENTRIES:
“Poop.”
Bob Beitzel, Jr.
 
MATURE
Let's just say your wife has ants in her pants.
Darrell Clark
 
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
What did I do for Talk Like a Pirate Day? I downloaded a cracked copy of Microsoft Office, a couple movies and the entire Beatles catalogue, all for free. Then I told everybody about it.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Tell them if they call you off I'll give back the rubber tree plant.
Darrell Clark
 
“Ever see the movie “Them?”
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
Why, yes. I AM a cousin of Jeff Goldblum. How could you tell?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Yeah 'Them" was the good ol' days.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
I can't quit you either.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I wish I knew how to quit you !!!
Darrell Clark
 
Wrong Unit. Camponotus pennsylvanicus lives next door.
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
 
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I need you to take care of a wise-guy cartoonist who forgot how many legs I should have.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
"Sorry...Mrs. Rickard isn't here right now...can I take a message?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
 
R U Sirius?
I'm sorry. The Rickard's live across the street.
Marcia Minsky, The GREAT #8 and Communications Officer of the OBRFC
 
BEST POEM
The queen’s stumped in her parenting role.
Raising well-behaved larvae’s her goal.
So just like Supernanny,
This Orkin guy Danny
Will get her pests under control.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Orkin Man, Orkin Man
As you known, I'm not your biggest fan
but I need for you to do what you can
to rid our home of these humans
they're eating us out of house and home
please give them somewhere else to roam
In these hard economic times
we need ever crumb we can find!
And they never leave anything behind!
Nancy Nelson
 
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
Have a heart pal! I have a wife and 10,000 larva!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
Hey Marge,come meet our new neighbor.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
If you need me I'll be around the piece of gum on the driveway.
Darrell Clark
 
We're friends but I wouldn't wear that around the other guys.
Darrell Clark
 
“They won’t be needing you anymore.”
Bill Wallace, High Point
 
SOME FAVORITES OF MINE THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE JUDGES CUT
Thank goodness. My kids are driving me crazy!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Hurry, my mother-in-law is ruining our Barbeque."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
I'll go but I'm taking 50 times my weight in food!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
I wish I knew how to quit you !!!
Darrell Clark
 
I can't quit you either.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
 
“Vinny must have sent you!!”
 Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro
 
"Half now, half after the grasshopper gets it".
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
 
Tell them if they call you off I'll give back the rubber tree plant.
Darrell Clark
 
SCHOOL ENTRIES
From Frasier, submitted by Louise Monroe
J. D: Dude, it’s not me. Why would you think I called Pest Control?
A.J. L: Why are you staring at me? I’m going to a costume party!
April A: Uhm, you know, I don’t want to make any trouble, so should I just lie on the floor and pretend to be dead?
Zachary: Come in. The pest is in the bedroom.
 
THE REST
"You're too late"
Lorraine Moretti, Burlington
 
1,) No thanks. I'm good.
2.) Thank goodness.My kids are driving me crazy!
3.) Wait here. I'll go get the owners.
4.) What makes you think they have a problem?
5.) Well,this is awkward.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
1.) I've got your money. Make it look natural.
2.) Hey Marge, you could have just asked me for a divorce ya know.
3.) Oh,#$%&.
4.) Uh oh.
5.)This costume was a great idea.They're finally ready to buy some pest control
6.) Business has been great since we got this costume.
7.) Liar,you don't have a candy gram !
8.) Define pest.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
1,) Wait here. I'll get them.
2.) You're not the pizza boy!
3.) Yeah,even I think they need a littlle help.
4.) Unless you have a giant anteater I wouldn't try anything.
5.) Can't we all just get along.
6.) Hey Marge,come meet our new neighbor.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
I need you to get rid of this kid with a magnifying glass.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
You have got to be kidding!
2. You MUST have the wrong address! 3. We have an army of pesky humans invading our chow line!
4. Sorry, I dialed the wrong number!
5. We need help ridding our kitchen off these pesky humans!
6. Wrong species!
7. We don't want to kill them, we just want to get rid of them!
8. Those humans are spoiling our appetite!
9. I tried just telling them to leave! 10. I'm allergic to humans!
11. Those humans are leaving their droppings all over the place!
Nancy Nelson 
 
Yeah , he's here. Says Beyounce's video is the best of all time.
Michelle Watkins-Bowers, Reidsville
   
"My wife's in the bedroom. Be quick and make it look like an accident."
Doug Clayton, Mcleansville
 
My wife called you, didn't she?
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Honey. . . Did you call for a Hit Man?
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Come in. He's in the kitchen and he looks a lot like me.
Ken Layton, Carthage
 
Not really "pests" -- just family that never left after the July 4 picnic.
Not really "pests" -- just family that overstayed their welcome.
That's a nice lunch box you have there.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
Stop bugging me, you control freak !
You're the pest ! Stop knocking on my door !
You're invading my privacy, you know !
I'm trying to rest you pest !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Can you get rid of aardvarks?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I've got an in-law problem...
Can you do something about telemarketers?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Are you stalking me ?
You rang ?
All you control freaks just bug me to death !
Till death do us part !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
No thanks, we don't want any.
Marlene Sanford, Greensboro
 
"I am the Lady of the house,wait until you see my Husband!"
"It looks like we both have but on weight since your last visit!"
"They said if you were to come by before they came home, to tell you, Terminex just left!"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
 
"It looks like we have both put on weight since your last visit!"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
 
"I am the Lady of the house,wait until you see my Husband!"
"It looks like we both have but on weight since your last visit!"
"They said if you were to come by before they came home, to tell you, Terminex just left!"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
 
1."My mother-in-law refuses to leave."
2."Make it look like an "accident".
3."Did you say my wife hired you?"
4."Do you have anything strong enough to get rid of people?"
5."I just can't get rid of my mother-in-law."
6."My house is infested with in-laws."
7."My house is infested with my wife and her mother."
Paula r. Hairston, Greensboro
 
'Nah We're Good.'
Matthew Cravey Greensboro
 
Do you do people?
I need to get rid of a dog, a cat, and a couple of people.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
 
12. Humans are spoiling our picnic!
13. Humans Bite!
14. This will never work!
15. Are you an enviromentalist?!
Nancy Nelson
 
"I think you have the wrong address."
"We won't be needing you anymore. We've taken care of them."
"Gross. The bedbugs are really bad this year."
"I bet your big sister used to call you a pest, but you don't see me trying
to kill you!"
"Pest is such a strong word. I prefer the term parasite with benefits."
"We bought at the office."
"Really, it's true. PETA recently inserted an insect and arachnid clause."
"Do you have those chocolate bars with almonds?"
Kris Voy, Trinity
 
Welcome to my parlor!
Carol Mingia, Greensboro,
 
I need you to make a hit on my husband, Uncle.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
I'm sorry if I startled you. We're holding the annual Entomology Department costume party right now.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Bug off, man !
Haven't you heard, I'm a protective species now ?
I already gave at the office, I know God, and I have a vacuum cleaner, so bug off !
I'll squash you like a bug !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
This darned kid keeps shaking the farm, destroying all our tunnels...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
Well, er, no-o-o...(ahem) I didn't call you. Everything's fine here.
Derek Gunn, Trinity
 
What makes you think I'm you're Aunt ?
I've already called the police and told them I have an intruder !
You're the real intruder here, not me ! 
The odds are against you, a million to one !
 Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
I'm not your Aunt!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
 
Thank goodness you're here.Those kids are driving me nuts!
2.) I'll come peacefully.
3.) I'm a lot stronger than I look pal.
4.) Don't forget my cut.
5.) I couldn't help myself. They left a whole pound cake out for cripes sake!
6.) Oh crap! 7.) No,I'm pretty sure you want the termites next door.
8.)Trust me,you don't want to tick off the queen.
9.) I've won a FREE stay at some sort of ant motel?!
10.) Don't you have to read me my rights first?
11.) Ok Frank ,I'll run away screaming and you collect the dough.
12.) I turned on ESPN and all these big sweaty humans showed up.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Of all days, today? It's Sunday for crying out loud."
Curtis Cotton III, Greensboro
 
"Thank GOD you're here! You should see the size of this spider!"
Charles Hughes, Greensboro
 
You are making a pest of yourself.                                         
James O. Durham, Greensboro
 
Why, yes. I AM a cousin of Jeff Goldblum. How could you tell?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
"Yeah, the Queens here, but I'm pretty sure she didn't ask to see you."
Matt Long, Summerfield
 
We're from the Government and we're here to help you.
It was an awkward first date, but Aunt Edna really felt there was a connection.
So, where'd you see the Aardvark?
Trick or Treat?
Phil Hayes, Hampton, VA
 
I guess you're not from "Welcome Wagon"
Gail Webster, Jamestown
 
"Surprise! It's your 'going out of business' party."
"You missed me at the steroid lab last year."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro
 
Your chemicals won't cause me to lose any more legs will it?
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
"Sorry, you're misinformed... I'm an Uncle."
"Have I exceeded my health care cap already?"
"Ain't nobody here but us chickens."
"How much to get rid of anteaters?"
Al Briscoe Jr., Greensboro
 
" The in-laws are back again..."
Seamus Briscoe, Greensboro
 
If I were you, I wouldn't be finishing off the leftover Cajun Surprise before going to bed.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
 
16. RAID !
17. Those humans have RAIDed our pantry!
18. Don't BUG me!
19. There's no BUGs around here only pesky humans!
20. It was a hostile takeover
Nancy Nelson
 
They came for the 4th of July picnic and never left.
It's my freeloading family -- they never left after the July 4th picnic.
It's my freeloading family -- they never left after the July 4th picnic.
They came for the 4th of July picnic and never left.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
"Must have been a prank call. No ant infestation at THIS nuclear power plant."
Kevin Little
 
Caption: "Thanks for coming. My wife is out of control".
Bob Fuller, Greensboro
 
1. " Are you sure, you have the right address?"
2. " Please come in, these people are pests."
3. " Whoa Dude! Check your address.
4. " Listen Pal, I did'nt call you."
Marion Gaymon, Greensboro
 
1. "Am I going to die?"
2. " Are you going to spray?"
Janiel Gaymon, Greensboro
 
Wrong house -- I'm just trying on my Halloween costume.
Wrong house -- nobody here but us chickens.
Wise decision not using your last name in your business, Mr. Kevorkian.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
 
I need you to take care of a wise-guy cartoonist who forgot how many legs I should have.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
 
R U Sirius?
Marcia Minsky, The GREAT #8 and Communications Officer of the OBRFC
 
 I really need to put peephole in this #$%& door.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Hurry, my mother-in-law is ruining our Barbeque."
"Now, are there any side effects I should know about?"
"Just make it look like it was an accident."
"I don't want them killed, just break some thoraxes."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
 
I had heard our grim reaper looked different.
2.) Have a heart pal! I have a wife and 10,000 larva!
3.) I'm sorry but the queen isn't taking any visitors today.
4.) Thanks for coming Dr. Kevorkian.
5.)Yeah 'Them" was the good ol' days.
6,) I need you to put a hit on someone.
7.) She's upstairs. Make it look natural!
8.) First the nuclear plant has a meltdown and now this!
9.) I'll go but I'm taking 50 times my weight in food!.
10.) Oh,sooo you don't like it when I come to YOUR home and reek havok!
11.) I know what you did last summer!
12.) Yeah, I have some in laws that have overstayed their welcome
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"Thanks for coming, we have a terrible human infestation."
"Are you sure you wanna do this?"
"Pinching yourself won't help - you're wide awake."
"It's payback time!'
"Round 2!"
"I don't know what you have iun that tank, but I want some more of it."
"This is your conscious speaking!"
 Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
 
If our coworkers find out we're pals we'll be in a world of trouble
I can't quit you either.
Who ratted me out?
Whoa,scary costume ya got there Frank
Is this a Raid?
You say you have a luxury motel JUST for ants?
Thanks for coming. Did you know your kid has been using a magnifying glass on my boy?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
 
"She won't stop nagging me."
"My mother-in-law is visiting. Make it look like an accident."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
 
Thank God! I thought y