The Joke's On You
THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 103009
Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
My apologies to Frank Freeman, Bill Wallace, The Griffins (et al), Carl Sinclair and Judy Crutchfield. I did not receive your snail-mail entries last week before the deadline. This is rare and hopefully it won’t happen again.
Great job this week. Almost everyone was making my short-list of best captions. So I had to go back and be ruthless in my choosing. Good stuff.
And Gray, were those ACTUAL Hebrew letters?
WINNER
"There's an App for that..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
RUNNERS-UP
“Can’t we just say ‘What happens on Mount Sinai, stays on Mount Sinai?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
"I don't think you'll ever get enough Republicans or Democrats to pass it."
Nelson Harrill, Greensboro
Moses, you surely are taking all the fun out of this "chosen people" idea.
Mike Riley, Jamestown
Party pooper!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
It sucks if your name is Thou!!!
Darrell Clark
Will those be available in wallet size?
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
Sorry, but you're too close to our school!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
"I'm going to wait for the movie."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
“People do love a good top ten list.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
I know what you are thinking, but I didn't set a fire up there.
Alexis Witt, Rankin Elementary
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
“Speaking of cars, let me tell you about my new two-wheeled scooter I stand on to ride.” “Nice segue.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
The director wants you to lose the "take your hands off me you damned dirty egyptian" line Mr.Heston.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
"Pear Pimples For Hairy Fishnuts?!?!?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Still the king of OCR.
I’m sorry, Mr. Heston. I liked you better in “Ben-Hur.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Wow. This is awkward. I mean Zipporah and I kind of thought you weren’t coming back.
Ellie Weatherly, Greenville
I’m Detective Mahoney from the Cairo PD. We need to talk to you down at the station. (Exodus 2:11-15)
Ken Sheldon, Elon
“Did you run into a Monty Python crew up there?”
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY
"I am not traveling with you to Alderaan..."
"If you don't stop rearranging those headstones I'm shipping you back to Shady Acres..."
"What the hell are Death Star Plans?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
"What the hell are Death Star Plans?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Geez,another setback for my Coveting & Hams business.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I’m sorry, Moses. You’re too late to submit captions for this week’s contest.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I wonder if Tim Tribbett will send in as many pictures as he usually does captions?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
He sent in several, But Bob M. had everyone beat.
At least Rickard could have made you look more like Charlton Heston.
Mike Riley, Jamestown
Mike Riley, Jamestown
I get them all but number 11: “Thou shalt not Twitter while in Limbo.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST POEM
That young girl on that show who had cried ‘ll
Say her love for Sanjaya’s more bridled.
Though her tears flowed a-plenty,
In Exodus twenty
It says not to worship false idols.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
MATURE
Can I still covet my neighbor's WIFE'S ass?
Mike Riley, Jamestown
Mike Riley, Jamestown
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
I asked you for two ASPIRIN tablets.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Just 10? Wait 'til Congress gets hold of them.
Ken Layton, Carthage
Ever consider a condensed version, maybe a Golden Rule ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
What about health care?
Jerry Kyle , High Point
Moses, where have you been, you missed the party!
Nancy Nelson
Can the states " opt-out " if they wish?
Just as long as you don't try to put them in front of the courthouse!
Darrell Clark
SCHOOL ENTRIES
St. Pius X Catholic School
Fraser Welsford, 10 “Look, I’m Atheist. I just want to roast some hot dogs!”
From Louise Monroe -
Rankin School
fourth grade:
Alexis Witt:I know what you are thinking, but I didn't set a fire up there.
Thao Vi Thi Huynh: You're nuts if you are going to bury yourself.
fifth grade:
Zaira G.: Hey, where did you get your costume?
Chelsea D. Sosa: Oooh! Those stones will go great with the grave I just dug.
Sawyer Roach: Finally you have some other things on the menu.
Brittany C.: Hey, man, can I help you with those tombstone-looking things in you hands? Even though they look mighty heavy.
Rose Tucker: Why are you carrying tombstones? Did you raise somebody from the dead?
L. Goodman: Can I use one of those? My wife is annoying.
Washington School
Tyonna S.: Your're talking so much about these rules that you don't even feel the heat from the fire... or is it your breath?
Victor Carlos:Are you making a graveyard? Because you need more than two tombstones.
Hannaneh Mirmozaffari: Those aren't God's commandments; they are the devil's.
THE REST
1.) Party pooper!
2.) Saaaay Moses,how much would it take for you to" accidently" drop one of those tablets.
3.) You'll never get that thru Congress.
4.) You'd better check those with the editor first.
5.)Oh #$%& great! I was just getting ready to do some serious coveting of my neighbor's wife!
6.) Have you met my mother and father?!
7.)But my neighbors wife is really really HOT!
8.) Have you ever heard the term "kill joy"?
9.) Can I still covet my own wife?
10.)You're harshing my buzz dude.
11.) Is self coveting still OK?
12.) I asked you for two ASPIRIN tablets.
13.) Number eleven"Thou shalt give all thy beer to Moses" looks like it's been written in magic marker.
14.) First no ham and now this!
15.) But these don't fit my decadent lifestyle.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
1.) Hey,you can't put those in a public square!
2.) Don't even think about posting those in the public school!
3.) Is insider trading still OK?
4) I don't think we can add "the right to bear arms" Mr. Heston.
5.) The director wants you to lose the "take your hands off me you damned dirty egyptian" line Mr.Heston.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Couldn't you just say, " You lost them?"
Cal Sigler, Browns Summit.
"We thought you went for a pizza."
Charles Tanquary, Greensboro
1. Give me a break!
2. God said we had better not BREAK these commandments!
2. Heavy!
Nancy Nelson
"I am not traveling with you to Alderaan..."
"What is this Amway you speak of old man???"
"For the last time George I am NOT directing another Indiana Jones sequel..."
"Pear Pimples For Hairy Fishnuts?!?!?"
"You still hearing those 'voices' again, huh?"
"If you don't stop rearranging those headstones I'm shipping you back to Shady Acres..."
"You might be onto something with this 'Beer For Bibles' program..."
"Cash For Clunkers I get...Beer For Bibles...not so much..."
"Now WHO told you to do WHAT?!?!?"
"Did you proof read those?"
"I have two words for you...Spell...Check..."
"I thought they were supposed to be double spaced..."
"I May Have Already Won Ten Million Dollars?!?!?"
"You know...it would've been easier to just follow you on Twitter..."
"Take-Out Again?!?!?"
"There's an App for that..."
"Why didn't you just put the other 5 on the back and use just one tablet?"
"Can I just get 15 wallet size?"
"God D@!# It Dad...I Am Going To KILL You. Every Sunday It's The Same Thing...Will You Please Stop Stealing Those Stones Out Of The Neighbors Garden???'
"I saw smoke...is everything OK?"
"Are you sure that was just a bush you were burning up there <wink><wink>?"
"Sorry PC...I'm a MAC..."
"Sorry...you're a PC and I'm A MAC..."
"What the hell are Death Star Plans?"
"Hmmmm....Chinese or Italian..."
"The Anarchist Cookbook??"
"Might be a tad bit heavy for snowshoes, no?"
"Water Skis? Have You Gone Mad?"
"Your Flip-flop idea could use a little work..."
"Oh Great...ANOTHER Harry Potter?"
"Mary already emailed me us about all this stuff last Sunday..."
"I'm good. I already downloaded a bootleg copy from the internet..."
"I'm a little shaky on 7, 8, and probably 10 too."
"OK...so I talk into the old man's mouth and then pull up to the next window to pay right?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Just 10? Wait 'til Congress gets hold of them.
Ken Layton, Carthage
Did you run those through Spell Check?
Ken Layton, Carthage
Mom said there should be one about kids picking up their dirty clothes and putting them in the hamper.
Ken Layton, Carthage
Hope you're not taking those to the City Council Meeting !
What happens if I break the contract ?
Ever consider a condensed version, maybe a Golden Rule ?
Hi, my name's Charlton Heston !
What you got there, a movie script ?
See you've been on top of old smokey again !
Sorry, I can't read Hebrew !
I wouldn't go to court with that contract !
They're not so heavy in your heart !
Follow me, I'm going to Bethlehem !
Sorry, but you're too close to our school !
Only know ONE that can fulfill that contract !
Heard they'll break you if you break them !
They go by a Constitution now !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
Who did you steal those ideas from ?
They'll never take you seriously !
Do you think you can get elected on that platform ?
Maybe you should just return them to sender !
You got to be kidding me !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
You've got a handful there, buddy !
What about my rights !
Your friend has some mighty high standards, doesn't he ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
1) "Only ten? That oughtta be easy!"
2) "More rules? I hate big government!"
Phil Koch, Greensboro
This new health care plan really is tough to figure out!
Chris Marland, Greensboro
Why do I not have pants on?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
I wonder if Tim Tribbett will send in as many pictures as he usually does captions?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
My back is killing me!
Chris Marland, Greensboro
"Twenty commandments, eh. Be careful with those."
Pete Dey, Jamestown
I'm sorry, Mr. Heston. I liked you better in "Ben-Hur."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Quick, hide them the ACLU is coming!
Larry Lapple, Greensboro
1.) Way to bring down a crowd there Moses.
2.) I just heard you take his name in vain when you dropped one on your foot.
3.)Wait until the ACLU hears about this!
4.) Well,there go3 of my hobbies.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
"I don't think you'll ever get enough Republicans or Democrats to pass it."
Nelson Harrill, Greensboro
Do you see smoke on that mountain? You didn't just leave that bush burning, did you?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
"words in stone can break your bones."
James O. Durham, Greensboro
I'm sorry, Moses. You're too late to submit captions for this week's contest.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
. . . and there's a golden calf down in the valley.
Do we get to pick and choose?
Watch your step -- we wouldn't want to see them get broken.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Can you just text them to me?
David, Reidsville
Are you sure he said "take two tablets and call me in the morning"?
Kent French, Greensboro
"Thou shalt NOT"? Ohhhhh.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
1. So let me get this straight, I can't sleep with Bernie's' wife?
2. Uhh, Mosses, that's not how you spell shalt!
3. You been playing with matches again?
4. Took you long enough!
5. Are there more on the back?
6. Thanks for taking out the one about not cheating on your taxes.
7. If you take out a couple of the "nots", it'll go over better back at camp.
8. Have you lost weight?
9. I suggest you take a bath before you try to roll-these-out.
10. We send you out for Chinese and you come back with this?
11. Wow. This is awkward. I mean Zipporah and I kind of thought you weren't coming back.
12. Mosses....you can't go around stealing tombstones and writing on them!
13. Don't you think 10 is over doing it?
14. Now when exactly do these all go into effect?
What about health care?
Jerry Kyle, High Point
"Honor your father and mother and Moses - You added the last part, didn't you?"
"You know, it's still not too late to get rid of the one about adultery."
"What does covet mean again...hmm...we need to talk."
"Apparently, I'm gonna have to make some serious lifestyle changes."
"We can't even covet thy neighbor's ox - seriously?!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Are you sure he said for me to take two of these and call me in the morning?
k. wright, greensboro
I'm lost, could you give me directions ?
Sorry, we're in a deregulation era !
Sorry, federal property, you'll have to leave.
Is that the Revised or International version ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
4. Who does God think he is Our Father?!
5. Moses, where have you been, you missed the party!
6. I can't READ!
7. Rules are meant to be broken!
Nancy Nelson
But those would put alot of lawyers and polititions out of work !
You kidding, in a building full of lawyers & polititions ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
1. Four or five, maybe....but not ten!
2. That's a great story , Moses, you ought to write a book.
3. Moses, I think the thin air up on the mountain has affected your brain.
4. I'm calling my lawyer. You can't tell me what to do.
5. I think the city council should vote on it.
6. They'll never get okayed by the Supreme Court.
7, I understand that these are the second edition.
8. I believe these are the second printing.
9. It's all Greek to me.
10. Are you kidding me!!! Nobody will believe that cock and bull story.
11. Sorry, I can't read Hebrew. You'll have to ask someone else.
12. You really should hire an editor to take out some of the unnecessary stuff.
13. I think you just invented E-mail.
Dave Sheets, Greensboro
That looks like a rock solid book you've got there, Moses
Iris Sheets, Greensboro
Free? I'll take ten!
Forty days and forty nights, and this is all you come up with?
Give me something I can use - please!
I heard of 'Take the tablets' but this is ridiculous!
Are they commandments or suggestions?
I like the hand-writing!
You look very pale!
I sense trouble!
Keith Peddie, Greensboro
1.) Boy,parting that one little sea really gave SOMEBODY a big head.
2.) You're like the ultimate teacher's pet.
3.) Geez,another setback for my Coveting & Hams business.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
"You carried those? Dude, I just downloaded them to my iphone."
Amy LaJeunesse, Greensboro
How about we call'em the ten suggestions?
Can we delete number two? I just finished making the golden calf!
OMG!
How about we start with just 3 and see how it goes?
At least Rickard could have made you look more like Charlton Heston.
Guess they are pretty much set in stone, huh?
Can we pick and choose?
Why didn't He just G-mail them?
Can I still covet my neighbor's WIFE'S ass?
Rules, rules, rules, always more rules!
Say what?
Now let me get this straight a burning bush actually talked to you?
I'll say this, God sure does a great power point presentation!
Moses, you surely are taking all the fun out of this "chosen people" idea.
It's this kind of thing that's gonna make us Jews feel guilty for a long, long time.
Good golly, Moses!
Mike Riley, Jamestown
Thanks Moses, but do you think He might send someone else someday who'll condense these ten down-say to two?
j. wright, greensboro
Do you expect those to make the top 10?
Fred Smith, McLeansville
Moses, I realize we asked you for a "hard copy" of the Commandments, but this is RIDICULOUS!
Tom
1.) I guess these rules are pretty much written in stone.
2.) I saw a chisel fall outta your pocket.
3.) Holy Moses! 4.)You're like the ultimate teacher's pet.
5.) Would you mind parting the lake so I don't have to walk around?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
"Great, can I order them online?"
"Show me where it's etched in stone."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
1.) We have parchment ya know.
2.) Any loopholes?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Left name off previous email
Tom McCullough, Greensboro
I think I would leave off #11 "Thy shall not chew with thine mouth open."
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I would leave off #11"Thy shall not chew with thine mouth open as it grosseth everyone out".
Where's the fine print?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
Could you define neighbor in numbers 9 & 10 please ?
The wife will love number 5 !
If they're free, we'll take all ten !
Does HE really think we can remember all ten ?
Did you forget your shoes ?
What ! You expect me to fetch your shoes and rod ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
Think HE gave us ten fingers & ten toes to help us remember them ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
All you got was a bunch of rules? Couldn't you get a road map or a GPS?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I'm Detective Mahoney from the Cairo PD. We need to talk to you down at the station.
Ken Sheldon, Elon (Exodus 2:11-15)
Dude, that must have been like the ultimate Tweet!
Dean Tribbett, Va. Beach
1 .Letterman wants to know if he can read them.
2. There is bound to be a joke about this one day.
3. This is would make a great movie.
4. Will those be available in wallet size?
5. I can't wait for the phrase "carved in stone" to catch on.
6. I heard if you read them backwards, "you know who" shows up.
7. I was hoping you were getting directions.
Eric Grimm, Greensboro
"Wait until the lawyers get hold of this!"
Susan Thompson, Reidsville
"You mean there are only ten!"
Susan Thompson, Reidsville
Would you part the sea again? I think I dropped my wallet.
Tim Tribbett
"What do you mean I have to obey all 10 of them?"
"Your spelling is terrible."
"If you want to narrow them down to 5, I won't tell anyone."
Frank Beamon, Greensboro
I get them all but number 11: "Thou shalt not Twitter while in Limbo."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
The path is crooked and treacherous; here are the directions for a safe journey.
Trip Brown, Greensboro
1.) I'm turning myself in.
2.)You're not the boss of me.
3.) I'm the fire marshall. There's been a report of a burning bush.
4.) Is farting and nosepicking still OK?
5.) You really need to get a hobby.
6.) I plead the 5th.
7.) Do we have to read them their rights first?
8.) I request to have a lawyer present.
9.) Are you going to carry those around all year?
10.) We bought you a GPS
11.) Will you part my hair for me?
12.) Looks like somebody I know is in BIG trouble!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
1.) What's with the holier than thou attitude?
2.) We'll kill them if they break these commandments. OOPS!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
Moses, you sure look stoned!
Nancy Nelson
1. Are 10 numbers all that you can come up with?
2. So what are we supposed to do with tablets that have nuumbers on them?
3. Tablets with numbers on them - what will the "higher ups" think of next?
4. Are we using these now instead of smoke signals?
5. I can't read shorthand.
Gerry McCabe, Greensboro,
1.) Uh oh, I think I broke about nine of them last weekend.
2.) Can I have your autograph Mr. Heston?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I couldn't find my comb and I was wondering if you would part my hair?
Beverly Latta
Mo, you know our safety policy, steel toe boots with all heavy objects.?
"There?s no warranty on these so be sure not to break them."
So that’s what happened to the sacred ironing board.?
These are heavy, why don’t we start a Bible Blog?
Did you remember to save space for the “Help Wanted” classified that Noah asked for?
Didn’t you hear, we?re only going with 9 during this economy.
Gray Amick, Greensboro
"I'll take two from column one and three from column column two."
Dea Aune, Greensboro
Caption - "Only 2 Commandments! Where are the other 8?"
Bob Fuller, Greensboro
"Only 10 commandments? C'mon, fess up, you broke some didn't you."
Bill Lawson
1. “Didn’t I see that ‘top 10’ list on Letterman?”
2. “Can’t we just say ‘What happens on Mount Sinai, stays on Mount Sinai?”
3. “Are you trying to get a reality show?”
4. “I’ll have a number 6 with a side order of coleslaw.”
5. “Don’t let the park ranger see you taking those tablets.”
6. “And you wonder why you’re never invited to parties.”
7. “Isn’t that setting the bar a little high?”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
"Do you have two fives for a ten?"
sam Gordon, jamestown
"Is it too late to add 'Thou Shalt Not Wear a Fanny Pack and Black Socks.' ?"
"Dad wants to know if you can add 'Thou Can't Always Get What Thou Want.' ?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
Wouldn't it have been easier to just write them down on some parchment paper?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
1)"OK, where do you want me to start?"
2)"Everyone needed a bathroom break."
3)How did you get here before me?"
4)"Do I just start out counting our use Alphabet order?"
5)"Tell me your favorite?"
6)"When is high tide again?"
7)"Are those the plans to re-model the boat?"
Christina Keller, Thomasville
This is multiple choice, isn't it ?
Is this HIS idea of a joke ?
You hoping to make the golden calf a Holy Cow ?
Do you really expect to replace the golden calf with this ?
Holy Cow ! Wait till the golden calf sees these !
Holy Cow ! Look out golden calf !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
1. "Can we pick and choose?!"
2. "Nice! Can I get a set for my tavern?!"
3. "Consider using 'should not' in place of 'shall not' for an easier sell!"
4. "Commandments sound harsh. Try 'Ten Suggestions'!"
5. "Your story might make a movie some day!"
6. "Did you run into a Monty Python crew up there?"
7. "Okay, I take these two tablets and see you in the morning!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro
1) Commandment is such strong language.
2) I'm going to need you to fill that out in triplicate.
3) I would just drop # 11, " Thou shall have a single payer insurance ".
4) I can see maybe two of them becoming actual laws.
5) Did you inhale any of the burning bush ?
6) We already got a problem with # 2.
7) What if my neighbor's wife was asking for some coveting ?
8) Wouldn't an E-mail have done the trick ?
9) Do we have a grace period ?
10) He gonna wish he had banned reality shows !
11) Have you been talking to Letterman ?
12) If I was you, I'd remind them not to kill the messenger.
13) What's the penalty for non-compliance ?
14) What if we say " Simon Says " first ?
15) Can we get this in audio form ?
16) Can the states " opt-out " if they wish ?
17) You mean all of them at once ?
18) I thought you were going to get direction out of the desert.
19) There's a no amendment clause ?
20) Mind if I let my lawyer look this over real quick ?
21) Who died and made him..........nevermind.
22) Does that mean everyone's wife ?
23) You didn't get them notarized ?
24) It sucks if your name is Thou !!!
25) Just as long as you don't try to put them in front of the courthouse !
Darrell Clark
1.) What ya got there,a shopping list?
2.) You could have made two trips.
3.) Need a hand old timer?
4.) It's been 10 years. I think you can put them down now.
5.) Some group called the ACLU wants to talk to you.
6.) You need to add being a smartass.
7.) I would honor my father if mom knew who he was.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
I'm homesick for Egypt.
Tim Tribbett
"Now take two of those and call me in the morning."
"Please tell me they're not etched in stone."
"So when do you start your book tour?"
"I'm going to wait for the movie."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
I'm tellin' ya Moses, if you really want this to catch on, you should call it God's Top Ten List.
J. C. Winkler, Asheboro
"People do love a good top ten list."
Joel Clark, Greensboro
“I think there’s a typo in (Hebrew-looking characters wouldn’t reproduce)”
“Now I see why you made a D- in Biblical Hebrew.”
Gray Amick, Greensboro
"Make sure it all conforms to the Biblical Hebrew Style Guide."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
Commandments? We thought you said you were just going to mosey on up the mountain.
Kevin Haggerty, Summerfield
"Ok, I'll be right back with the Ten Loopholes."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
Ok. My wife can NOT know number seven really is written in stone.
Stephen Botts, Greensboro
" I get my news from CNN."
The first hand held computer.
"Did you go back and check your story first."
"What is your source?"
"Can we take turns?"
"let's flip it.........oops!"
"Sorry, I didn't go to Bible study."
James E. Ferrell, McLeansville
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