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The Joke's On You

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 091809

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Ok, let’s put this in the “experiments that didn’t quite work” file. A LOT of you were confused by the premise here. The idea is, the parrot is repeating something the husband said that he’d rather his wife didn’t hear or know.

Those of you who did get the concept sent in some good stuff. So there was plenty to choose from.

And Jr. Division is back! Remember, 12 and under (put age or “Jr. Division” in subject line.) Washington School wins round one.

LAST WEEK’S CARTOON

WINNER

"She's driving me insane, squawk, driving me insane."

Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP

Hey beautiful... my wife's not home, come on over"

Ted Eaves, Greensboro

Grab your cloths and go, she’s in the driveway SQUAAAAAAAAAK!

Dean Tribbett, VA Beach VA

Wraack! Ball and chain, ball and chain!”

Bill Wallace, High Point

Awwwwk! Don’t worry! She’ll never find out! She’ll never find out! Awwwwwk!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Quiet guys! You're gonna wake the ol 'battle axe up!

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I'll call you as soon as she's out of sight. "

Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

“Lost wedding ring in poker!”

Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"She's on the warpath again. On the warpath again."

Catherine Moore, Thomasville

Girls Galore dot com!

Don Rankin, Greensboro

JR. CATEGORY WINNER

I want to get a divorce! I want to get a divorce!

Ayaunta G, Washington School

PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)

Yup! Kanye West is in with Rickard arguing about this week’s “Joke’s on You” winner.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE

The next time you turn off my Jimmy Buffet CD, I’m soiling the coffee table!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Not really obscure to parrot-heads.

BEST/WORST PUN

Stop parroting me

Nancy Nelson

BEST INSIDE JOKE

Geez Louise, just be patient! Tim will get the “Joke’s On You” blog updated when he’s good and ready!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Awwwk! Pam wants a coffee! Pam wants a coffee! NOW!! Awwwwk!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Auk! She's not the boss, Bucky is! Auk!"
LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009
But WAIT...There's MORE!

SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY

…then I said to the magician, "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

Ken Sheldon, Elon

MATURE

Next on cinemax,Womb Raider followed by Shaving Ryan's Privates.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Tim tells me these are actual movie titles. Maybe I should ask him how he knows …

Our lineup continues on the Playboy channel with A Beautiful Behind followed by On Golden Blonde, and Wonka's Willy and the Chocolate Factory.

Tim Tr..er anonymous

Yeah. Right.

BEST POEM

A free parrot we got from the vet’s,

But today we have got some regrets.

You might call it absurd

That I brought home a bird

With a really bad case of Tourette’s.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS

Put me down for five grand on the Panthers this sunday.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

The card game is off guys. My $%&# mother in law is here.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Hello weight watchers, do you make house calls?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

It’s not that dress that makes your butt look big….it’s your butt that makes your butt look big!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

"Wow, I do look good in these high heels."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Are you from the escort service?"

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

SCHOOL ENTRIES

Submitted by Louise Monroe

April A-- Guy: Don't tell Mother, but her dress makes her look fat!

Parrot: Ha, ha.

Lady: What's so funny?

Parrot: Your dress makes you look fat, skwaak!

Guy: Uummm, I meant like 'phat,' like cool.

Lady: Okay.

Jose D-- Parrot: Why are you talking to me? It'll seem like we were talking about....oh, wives.

Ajay L--Mother looks pregnant!

Jr. entries from Washington School

Hannaneh M: John, John's going out with Judy. Fancy restaurant, restaurant.

Ayaunta G: I want to get a divorce! I want to get a divorce!

Rankin school junior entries, grade 4

Jordyn D: "Clean your room!" My mom gets on my nerves.

Kyara B: Be quiet, you old goose!

Alexis W: My mom has hair like a poodle: the same color, too.

Vi T: My mother is the oldest woman, and I hate it.

Jessica W: You wish your wife was a cow.

Maryam J: Ohhhh, man, I'm in trouuuuuble! Why does this happen to me every time?

Rankin fifth graders

Lazaria G: You're plump like a pumpkin, old lady!

Chelsea S: Dude, you've been single a long time! Kiss that old lady. I see wedding bells.

Taniya S: Do you have a fever or something? 'Cause you chose the wrong guy, hot mama!

Sawyer R: Hey, where is my cracker, old lady?

Brittany C: Ahhhh. Your wife looks awful in that dress. Ahhhh!!!

Zaira G: Bwak! I thought you said she's a grouchy old lady.

THE REST

For the last time, my name's Peter, NOT POLLY!

I've had it with crackers. How about a beer?

Awwwwk! Don't worry! She'll never find out! She'll never find out! Awwwwwk!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

"What part of NO do you not understand?

If I told you once, I have told you a thousand times.

PeachesnPlum

Nag ! Nag ! Nag !

He's the Boss ! He's the Boss !

Shake a tail feather !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

...then I said to the magician, "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"

Ken Sheldon, Elon

The next time you turn off my Jimmy Buffet CD, I'm soiling the coffee table!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

What we have are two big mouths!

Glenda Layton, Carthage

Who's that Helen he's talking about?

Ken Layton, Carthage

He got that language from your side of the family.

Ken Layton, Carthage

Next on Cinemax, Womb Raider followed by Shaving Ryan's Privates

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

Geez Louise, just be patient! Tim will get the "Joke's On You" blog updated when he's good and ready!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Honey, I didn't teach him to say that".

"So when are you two going to kiss & make up so I can get some sleep"

Gerry McCabe

"What Cracker?"

alex potter, Greensboro

Our lineup continues on the Playboy channel with A Beautiful Behind followed by On Golden Blonde, and Wonka's Willy and the Chocolate Factory.

Tim Tr..er anonymous

1. "I want a divorce, I want a divorce."

2. "Yes you look fat, so stop asking him."

3. "Hey where did your pretty girlfriend go?"

4. "Darn, she looked better on the internet."

5. "If you don't want my opinion, don't ask him the questions."

Paula Hairston, Greensboro

He called one of us a stool pigeon -- I think he means you.

Wake up, lady -- he has that new car smell all over him.

Family vacation? He went to the bait and tackle shop this morning.

Mow the grass? Ha-ha. His tee-off time is 8:15.

He knows where you hide your money. Now can I get a new cuttlebone?

Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Nag, Nag, Nag...All day long..."

" I'll call you as soon as she's out of sight. "

" She'll never find it where I've hid it. "

Steve Kindschi, Asheboro

1.) Quiet guys! You're gonna wake the ol'battle axe up!

2.) I'm telling you guys I wear the pants around here!

3.) Wow Trixie,my wife NEVER does that!

Tim Tribbett

"He Eats 'em All!"

Alex Potter, Greensboro

So you're his first date from the on-line dating service. Better pull up a chair, dearie.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

"He told me that was your name."

James Pitcher, Greensboro

"Polly is a birdbrain!"

Sarah Ulrich, Greensboro

"Awwwk, the swimsuit edition is still not here."

"Polly wants crack, Polly wants crack."

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Girls Galore.com!

Don Rankin, Greensboro

1.) Put me down for five grand on the Panthers this sunday.

2.) Quiet guys,you'll wake up the ol' ball and chain.

3.) Polly wants another shot of tequila.

Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Dumb bird, I can't even get 2 words outta you. Let's try again - OLD HAG, OLD HAG!!"

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

1.) Yes,come and stay as long as you'd like mom.

2.) Monster in law,monster in law!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

It's not that dress that makes your butt look big....it's your butt that makes your butt look big!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

I'll take the garbage out when you get off your lazy butt and do the dishes!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

No..your mother can't live here...I hate that old hag!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

This meatloaf tastes like dog food.

Chris Marland, Greensboro

I wear the pants in this marriage and she knows it!

Chris Marland, Greensboro

I have two captions for this week:

"squawk...don't tell my wife...don't tell my wife"

"hey beautiful...my wife's not home, come on over"

Ted Eaves, Greensboro

"She told you not to teach me that word."

Bob Fuller, Greensboro

Squawk nude girls .com

Don Rankin, Greensboro

Awwwk! Pam wants a coffee! Pam wants a coffee! NOW!! Awwwwk!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

1.)OWWWWWWWWWW, MY #$%&$%#*$% TOE!!!

2.)THOSE $%#&* PANTHERS!!

3.) The card game is off guys. My $%&# mother in law is here.

4.) What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

5.)Hello weight watchers,do you make house calls?

6.) Yes doctor,how much do you guys charge for breast implants?

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

So he says to this bimbo; "Do you want to see my old lady's developmentally challenged parrot before you go?"

Jim Canada.Beaufort, NC

1. "She's driving me insane, squawk, driving me insane."

2. "Daddy wants a pretty blond."

3. "Here comes the old battle ax."

4. "Her name is Lola. It's a secret...it's a secret."

5. "Where did the other woman go?"

6. "He's got a car payment, house payment, and a girlfriend. They are all a month late."

7. "He owes the race track four thousand."

Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. "The redhead was a lot prettier."

2. "The face lift didn't work, squawk."

3. "I hate my mother-in-law."

4. "He loves me more than he will ever love you."

George Cornett, Greensboro

Ralph, what does he mean, Pow. Zoom, trip to the moon?

Marcia Minsky #8

Communications Officer OBRFC

LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009

1.) Polly wants a #$%&* cracker!

2.) %$#&* mother in law!

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Affair ! Affair !

She knows ! She knows !

Let's play ! Let's play !

Old gray mare ain't what she use to be !

What you got cooking ?

What's cooking, babe ?

Hot lips ! Hot lips !

Lay off the honey do list, he's got polynesia !

Who's the boss ?

I did not say that ! One of you is a ventriloquist !

Irreconcilable differences !

Loose lips, sink ships !

Mother knows best !

Cat got your tongue, girlie ?

Get a grip, Man !

Tell him this is girl talk !

My name is Loquacious !

Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"You lie, you lie."

"Wow, I do look good in these high heels."

"Are you from the escort service?"

"How in the world do you fasten these brassieres?"

Joel Tuggle, Archdale

"Henry bought a jaguar."

Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1.) A priest,a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar....

2.) ...and the blonde says I wanted MMs not WWs.

3.) More like her mother every day.

Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

She said,"Since you wouldn't lisiten to what she tells you,maybe you would lisiten to me. She tells me the important things she wants you to know.

Mike G. Greensboro

1. “Hey, he said it first.”

2. “Polly wants a 52” High Definition TV.”

3. “Oday otnay elltay ymay ifeway.”

4. “That’s right, blame it on the dress.”

5. “Heeere kitty-kitty."

6. “Charlie, repeat one more time what you called her, I’ve almost got it.”

Tom Norman, Greensboro

She said,"She want's a divorce." Because she is getting sick & tired of you, not lisitening to a single word, she say's to you.

Mike G., Greensboro

Your new titanuim ultra deluxe golf clubs are in today Mr. Smith.

Tim Tribbett

"Catch-up time, parrot. She's lengthened her lead by twelve squawks today!"

Kevin Little

Grab your cloths and go, she's in the driveway SQUAAAAAAAAAK!

Dean Tribbett, VA Beach VA

"Auk! She's not the boss, Bucky is! Auk!"

Marcia Minsky, LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009

Blimey!

2. Squawk! Squawk!

3. Don't mimic me!

4. Don't mime me!

5. Ahoy thar matey!

6. Stop parroting me!

7. Stop interrupting me!

8. Watch what you say!

9. Man, let me talk!

10. Stop repeating everything I say!

11. You old biddy! 12. She's a hag!

13. She's a nag! 14. I'll never tell!

15. Just let me squawk!

16. The crackers are stale!

17. Sweet Patoony!

Nancy Nelson

1."Remember girl friend's birthday!"

2."Transfer funds to private account!"

3."Call to change will!"

4."Her face could stop a train!"

5."Cold to the bone!"

6."Ball and chain!!! Ball and chain!!!"

7."Hit with an ugly stick!!!"

8."Jailed for life!"

9."Nag! Nag! Nag!"

10."Clunker!"

11."Trade In!"

12."Lost wedding ring in poker!"

Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

Nag,nag,nag,nag,nag!

Tim Tribbett

Look Lady, Parrots don't talk, they mostly just squawk, I don't like carrots or stale crackers either, So stop with the incessant chatter, bring a piece of fruit for me and he'll take the chicken platter!

Nancy Nelson

%$#&* mother in law!

Tim Tribbett

18. Fruit, Fruit, fruit!

19. Nuts!

20. Fruit loops!

Nancy Nelson

''Pink lingerie, Pink lingerie"

"Here comes Big Mouth, here comes Big Mouth."

"O-ooooo Baby, O-ooooo Baby!' Where did that come from."

"Wife looks terrible in red, in red, in red."

James E. Ferrell, McLeansville