news-record.com

NEXT WEEK, YOU PROVIDE THE ART!
Below are three different captions. Pick one (or more if you wish) and draw a cartoon to go with it.

THE CAPTIONS
1. "There goes the neighborhood."
2. "Come here often?"
3. "Take two aspirin and call me in the morning."

YOU WILL NOT BE JUDGED ON ARTISTIC ABILITY!
ONLY your concept counts. You can only draw stickmen? FINE!
You can enter by e-mail by attaching the art to your e-mail.
Simply scan, or take a digital photo of your drawing using your digital camera or cellphone and e-mail it in.
Or, you can mail it in the old fashioned way or simply drop it off here at the paper.
Deadline is noon Thursday

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

LAST WEEK'S CARTOON
This week, we're trying something different. See the note abovet. No, you don't have to be an artist to enter.
I guess you guys weren't loving the Valentine theme because entries were down. But we received a treasure trove of not-quite-suitable-for-print responses that are worth reading here on the blog. Look under "mature."
Also, I noticed Bill Clinton's name popped-up a few times.

WINNER
"Yes, we do offer a ‘Tough Love' package. It includes one arrow through the heart and twenty years of alimony."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

JR. DIVISION WINNER
Sorry, Ryan. The Jr. category didn't have enough entrants this week. We'll try again next week (includes your age if you are 12 or under.)

RUNNERS-UP
Now, I can just point the arrow and click!
Nancy Nelson

"Due to the state of the economy, we can only make her ‘sorta like' you."
Grady, Greensboro

Yeah,I've been on desk duty since the Lyle Lovett/Julia Roberts fiasco.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"I don't care if that is how they do it in West Virginia. I'm not hitting your sister."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"I don't have enough arrows for all the Republicans, President Obama ..."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

No, Mr. Spitzer. We don't offer that kind of service.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I hate these theme days at the office!
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
9) Ok, so that's one order for little fuzzy pups, old pick-up trucks, children and the rain.. and who?
Eli Oklesh, Gibsonville
We got lots of song references, but this has to be the most obcscure

No wonder I couldn't find Colin Baker. He was at Gallifrey One this weekend.
Marcia, LosCon
Wow. Now THAT'S one obscure reference, #8!

"What do you mean I can't get an appointment with Mallard Fillmore ..."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

BEST INSIDE JOKE
(Special "Tim Tribbett" category)
"For the last time Mr. Tribbett, I don't know Clay Aiken's address!"
Carl Spackler, Bushwood Country Club

"Another submission from Tim Tribbett. He enters everything!"
"Another submission from Tim Tribbett. Poor guy, he must not have a life!"
Dorothy Sykes, Elon
Oh no, they didn't!

(Now, the special Tim Rickard category)
Holy#$%@%! We spent THAT much daily on arrows just for Rickard's wife?!
Still not enough. She needs bigger artillery. Wait … bad phrasing …
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Tim, please stop sending in requests for the editors to love your drawings."
Grady, Greensboro
NEVER!

Jokes? They're sending me jokes? Arrow will miss their heart right to their @55!
Les Thomas, ViIrginia

BEST POEM
Although love's a great thing, tried and true,
The divorce rate is now one in two.
Now I know it sounds stupid,
That happens when Cupid's
The grandson of Mr. Magoo.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I shot an arrow into the air,
it fell to earth I knew not where,
until one sunny day,
I heard a sweet old lady say,
You are the one who shot me Cupid,
how in the world could You be so stupid?
Now go and find some cute young girls,
with pretty faces and lots of curls.
Then shoot them!
Don Rankin, Greensboro

Cupid laid his bow down
and leaned into his desk.
So many people seeking love,
to this he could attest!

His wings were tired. His arrows near spent.
His mind said, "What to do?"
Then he thought, "I'll make a web site so
Ling Ling can meet John Wu.

He read many things throughout the years.
(the funniest was from a girl named Pam)
But, he never forgot the wierdest,
which was a guy that ate his toe jam!
(I know, I'm sick and I need help Tim)
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My quiver's aquiver,
How about you?"
Joan Lux Greensboro

MATURE
Hmm,I think I'll target OJ Simpson's enormous cellmate next!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Some of these made us laugh out loud. It's a shame most were disqualified.
"I don't care if that is how they do it in West Virginia. I'm not hitting your sister."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

Cupid #4, please stop shooting the guys in the crotch!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"Wait, this one's addressed to me... from Michael Jackson?!"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Whoa, Cupid wouldn't mind gettin' a little of that for himself!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I'm sorry, sir, but by the terms of my parole I am not allowed near any playgrounds."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"I can't deliver Madonna to you, sir, but don't worry, you'll eventually get your turn."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Let me get this straight. You want me to shoot an arrow into your right hand???"
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"For that request, sir, you'll need to see a veterinarian instead."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Well don't say 'herpes'. Just tell her it's Cupid's little measles."
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

THE REST
Point and click,point and click.Boy,that is easier!
Cupid .com?!!Oh,you are soooo going to get sued!!
Cupid #4,please stop shooting the guys in the crotch!
Did you see the mug on that guy?Better shoot her again!!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

What's your 20 Bravo? We'll get you some extra arrows ASAP
Holy#$%@%! We spent THAT much daily on arrows just for Rickard's wife?!
Ooooh ,nice head shot #4!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Feel like making love,Let your love flow.WOW, I just love itunes!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1. Matchmaker, matchmaker make me a match!
2. I see noboby's bidding on my bow & arrows on e-bay!
3. No job openings for a four-eyed cupid!
4. This sure is easier that shooting my arrows into the heart!
5. I should have never started cupid.com!
Nancy Nelson

"Forget the bow and arrow. This is where it's at!"
John Koppel, Greensboro

1.) Ahh,the old Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson file.What the hell was I thinking!
2.) These modern arrows are more accurate but they sure don't last as long!
3.)Whoa,Cupid wouldn't mind gettin' a little of that for himself!
4.)Shoot him again! That was only a flesh wound!
5.) Would you guys please stop shooting poor ol' Liz Taylor!
6.) That was hilarious! Now I'm going to make him fall for a nun!
7.)That was hilarious! Now I'm going to make her fall for a gay guy!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
The Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts one was similar in vein to #1 here, and these two kinda split the votes, lowering the vote totals for both.

Love is blind. EHarmony to the rescue!
Ken Layton, Carthage

I'll order more arrows from Ebay.
Ken Layton, Carthage

No, Mr. Clinton. Cupidco does not give quantity discounts.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Jokes? They're sending me jokes? Arrow will miss their heart right to their @55!
Thou must be arrow worthy . . . NOT!
Mom always said, "Get an education, have something to fall back on". Now look at me!
In who's book does "naked and behind a desk" spell LOVE???
No mam, we don't sell bras. You want 1-800-444-9287.
--not so obsure--
No mam, we don't sell bras. You want 1-800-444-9287. Darn dislecsics, get 'm every year. (44 i d cup)
Les Thomas, ViIrginia

" Darn you eHarmony, why can't you find me true love "
Jokes on you- Ryan Natal, age 12

Although love's a great thing, tried and true,
The divorce rate is now one in two.
Now I know it sounds stupid,
That happens when Cupid's
The grandson of Mr. Magoo.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

If I fall in love, can I quit this job???
Can you Email arrows?
Robert Shaver, Greensboro

"Being Bill Clinton's press secretary is hard work."
"Wait, this one's addressed to me...from Michael Jackson?!"
"By the look of those specs, love really IS blind!"
"Proof that love is blind."
"Geez, don't people buy chocolates anymore?"
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

No, Mr. Spitzer. We don't offer that kind of service.
Hello. Acme Arrow Company? These new arrows aren't sticking like they used to.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

It's sure hard to target the ones that never leave their homes!
2.)Uh oh,gonna need the hollow point turbo charged arrow for that guy!
3.) I love it when they run!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

" Another Valentine's day, another dumb mushy Letter sent to a MySpace, Facebook, or eHarmony page"
Ryan Natal, age 12

"DeleteDeleteDelete... Do I want to fin true love, hmmmmmmmm yes"
Ryan Natal, age 12

1.Sorry i don`t have enough arrows for everyone.
2.It will take to many arrows to solve your problems.
Wayne Smith

Hello. Cupid for the Stars. Let's see. I did Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie, Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman, Britney Spears and Jason Allen Alexander. Hello? Hello?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Great idea, a little long

OK.. let's see: likes Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain. Have you tried an ad in the Times News?
No …
OK.. let's see: likes Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain. Have you tried an ad in the News Record?
That's better.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"He's Just Not That Into You!"
Barbara Golding, Reidsville

Whoa....according to Facebook, only two of my arrows connected!
Whoa....according to Facebook, only two arrows hit their targets!
Marcia James, Jamestown

6. What's wrong with me, I shouldn't have to resort to a dating service!
7. Love conquers all!
8. What the world needs now is love sweet love!
9. Love is blind!
Nancy Nelson

1. I hate these theme days at the office!
2. How DID people meet before computers were invented?
3. Who in the world can I match up with THIS loser? I'm Cupid--not a miracle worker!
4. "Man seeking older woman." This must be a fake!
5. "Oh, what fools these mortals be!"
6. Why does the warning "Looking for love in all the wrong places" keep popping up?
7. Do I have a man for YOU? You MUST be kidding!
8. Honey, don't worry about how much he earns working! At least he IS working.
9. How do you think my experience will look on my resume?
10. Dear HGTV: What can I do with a bunch of dead roses?
11. This one is really desperate: "Will take any man as long as he can breathe--preferably on his own."
12. "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match!"
Peggy Clapper, Greensboro

1. This E-Harmony site is really cutting into my business!
2. Cupid's Call Center- you select, we connect!
3. With this recession, I'll have to cut back on my arrow order!
Dianne Holcombe, Greensboro

"Jeeves, what do I shoot when they just want to be "life partners"?"
"Great question, Mark. Yes, I use individually wrapped arrow tips."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale

Love isn't blind,it's just nearsighted!
2.) Sorry,the 14th is all booked but I can shoot the heck out of her the 15th
3.) I'm with Cupid Inc.,may I help you?
4.)This way is soooo much safer during duck hunting season!
4.) Ahh, cupid knows when you've been naughty,very very naughty!
5.)They can run but they can't hide!
6.)Everytime my computer crashes the divorce rate skyrockets
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1) Who will it be this year, Mr. Clinton?
2) But Mr. Obama, I already shot CNN and MSNBC for you last year!
3) I'd love to help you, Hawkeye, but there are incoming choppers! (your Cupid looks like Radar O'Reilly)
4) Approved.. approved.. approved!
5) I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, we don't accept American Express.
6) Please hold. I'll have to get you through to the Miracle Working Department.
7) Come on now, people! Smile on your brother and get together by yourselves!
8) Yes Mr. Obama, the arrow I shot the news media with last year is gaurenteed to last through 2013.
9) Ok, so that's one order for little fuzzy pups, old pick-up trucks, children and the rain.. and who?
10) Yes, sir, I hear your cry and I promise I will let my arrow fly straight to your lover's heart for you.
11) Another request for CNN and MSNBC, Mr. Obama?
Sorry for all the lame song lyric references :)
Eli Oklesh, Gibsonville

Hmm,I think I'll target OJ Simpson's enormous cellmate next!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"Oops! INKSPLAT!"
Doug Draime, Ashland Oregon

"This is not the Santa Hotline ..."
"We are currently taking orders for 2010 ..."
"I don't have enough arrows for all the Republicans, President Obama ..."
"I'm glad the wooden arrow item made it into the original stimulus program..." (It really did...)
"Yes, President Obama, I'll take better aim at your next Secretary of Commerce...."
"FOX News is impervious to my charm, President Obama"
"What do you mean I can't get an appointment with Mallard Fillmore ..."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

No wonder I couldn't find Colin Baker. He was at Gallifrey One this weekend.
Marcia, LosCon
Wow. Now THAT'S one obscure reference, #8!

Scratch iambic pentameter.
Bill Gates, in secret and in costume, tries once again to woo Yahoo.
Bill Gates sends his Annual Valentine Message to male employees: "Honest, fellows, it's not how much money you have . . . .
"Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
My quiver's aquiver,
How about you?"
Joan Lux Greensboro

" Welcome to findatruelove.com, how may I help you"
Ryan Natal, age 12

1. "Wonder if anyone will notice my heart-shaped mouth?"
2. "Mr. Cooke, I can't help you unless you send me her name."
(this is a reference to Sam Cooke who sang "Cupid")
3. "All the lonely people. Where do they all come from?"
4. "Sorry Alice, but "I" have a naughty and nice list too."
5. "Eros services, Cupid speaking, how may I help you?"
6. "This online matching is so much harder than shooting arrows."
7. " I can't believe someone admitted they enjoy eating toe jam."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

1. "Single male seeks middle-age woman who loves to eat toe jam and play
ice hockey."
2. "What are peeps?"
3. "P. Hilton seeks lover for Tinkerbell? Say what?"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

A poem
Cupid laid his bow down
and leaned into his desk.
So many people seeking love,
to this he could attest!

His wings were tired. His arrows near spent.
His mind said, "What to do?"
Then he thought, "I'll make a web site so
Ling Ling can meet John Wu.

He read many things throughout the years.
(the funniest was from a girl named Pam)
But, he never forgot the wierdest,
which was a guy that ate his toe jam!
(I know, I'm sick and I need help Tim)
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
Yeah, I'm seeing a pattern here …

" Jeez I thought that Wall Street was sad, but I forgot Valentine's Day, and I'm the God of Love Cupid"
Ryan Natal, age 12

I shot an arrow into the air,
it fell to earth I knew not where,
until one sunny day,
I heard a sweet old lady say,
You are the one who shot me Cupid,
how in the world could You be so stupid?
Now go and find some cute young girls,
with pretty faces and lots of curls.
Then shoot them!
Don Rankin, Greensboro

Hard times are here, only five arrows and so many lovers.
Don Rankin, Greensboro

Susan's in Narnia, Robin is in Sherwood Forest, and I am here manning the phones ...
Sorry, can't do 8 in Greensboro, I have a 7:30 in Evansville, Indiana
Five arrows and 55 requests in my In Box - You do the math ...
My Blackberry is Down. I have to do this the 'old fashioned' way.
This is the other Cupid - The one with two legs and wings - Wrong Number.
"Consignment shop ... Baby New Year's new clothes ... lightly worn ..."
"Let's see ... Hearts On Fire, Owner of a Lonely Heart, Heart of Rock and Roll ... I need to load these on my Heart-Pod..."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough

Memo to all cupids:Stay the $%#&* away from airports!
2.) I can finally give my plucking arm some rest!
3.) Do they still think it was birds in that jet's engines?
4.)Yeah,I've been on desk duty since the Lyle Lovett/Julia Roberts fiasco.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"This is a change. People want a job, not a mate!!"
"These new glasses should help. I am shooting too many dogs!"
"These new glasses should help. Too many dogs are in heat!"
"Here is a target list from Bill Clinton!"
"These rose-colored glasses are what makes this job tolerable!"
"Dad didn't tell me about matching these misfits!"
"Ouch! Most people don't look good naked!"
"They promise to be together for eternity?! It's more like seven years!"
"Here is someone who wants me to hear his plea.....from jail!"
"Another discount arrow offer. Delete!"
"I just can't believe the level of customer dissatisfaction!?"
"Yes, I found them, poison tipped arrows! No more mister nice guy!!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"I can't lace my arrows with GHB. You'll have to use the Jesus Juice like last time."
"You want Oprah to be your Valentine? Sorry, but I use arrows not harpoons."
"I don't care if that is how they do it in West Virginia. I'm not hitting your sister."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"Now who is getting married now?"
Ali Williamson

1. "Mr. Madoff, like I told the Tin Man, I don't do miracles."
2. "I'm afraid you sent your letter to me by mistake. I'll forward your request to our Lust Department."
3. "Look kid, for the last time, I don't know Santa Claus."
4. "I see he works for the IRS. I'll have to charge you extra for my special ‘cold seeking' arrow."
5. "Yes, we do offer a ‘Tough Love' package. It includes one arrow through the heart and twenty years of alimony."
6. "I'm not surprised you find me in all the wrong places. Your profile says you drink, gamble, and wrestle circus clowns."
Tom Norman, Greensboro
You had me at "wrestle circus clowns"

" Take that DarkKnight of DarkFlame, you can't beat the Master of Love at World of WarCraft"
Ryan Natal, age 12

"I'm sorry sir, I can't make you 'love' your wife's cooking."
"No, we do not cover medical costs for puncture wounds."
"Due to the state of the economy, we can only make her 'sorta like' you."
"Hi. I'm calling to see if you'd like to switch from Cupid wireless to Cupidtel."
"Our cheapest option is to fire an arrow into a large crowd. Are you a gambling man?"
"Tim, please stop sending in requests for the editors to love your drawings."
"I'm calling for an Ivanna Tinkle? . nevermind, dern kids."
"I'm trying to reboot the thing, but all these heart icons are confusing."
Grady, Greensboro
Great stuff here. I personally loved the fifth one.

That darn eye exam disqualified me for field work again!
Tim Tribbett

10. I just can't see well enough anymore to shoot my arrows into the heart!
11. Shoot!
12. Now, I can just point the arrow and click!
13. I've got to find a better optometrist!
13. I'm looking for a good lawyer, I'm suing my optomologist for malpractice.
14. Do you think eye surgery would help?
Nancy Nelson

15. Eye care!
Nancy Nelson

"I'm sorry, sir, but by the terms of my parole I am not allowed near any playgrounds."
"I can't deliver Madonna to you, sir, but don't worry, you'll eventually get your turn."
"No, Mr. Simpson, you cannot 'borrow' one of my arrows!"
"Let me get this straight. You want me to shoot an arrow into your right hand???"
"For that request, sir, you'll need to see a veterinarian instead."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

"For the last time Mr. Tribbett, I don't know Clay Aiken's address!"
Carl Spackler, Bushwood Country Club

"Man, email sure makes my job easier!"
Kay Watterson, Browns Summit

"Some Cupid kills with arrows, others with poor customer service."
"Some Cupid kills with arrows, others with captions."
"Where are the "I'm with Cupid" t-shirts I ordered?"
"I missed her? Well, I'm not dumb, I'm just a little Cupid."
"Mom, quit calling me Eros. It's Cupid now."
"Well don't say 'herpes'. Just tell her it's Cupid's little measles."
"I shot Winky in the spleen?"
AAHHH! His spleen!
Stephen Botts, Greensboro

"Maybe I should lower my rates, William Tell appears to be taking market share in this economy."
Gray Amick, Greensboro

Dear Cupid,
Thanks for helping me out again!
Hugh Hefner
Hayleigh Carroll, Greensboro