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Life, death and the non-believer

My grandfather and uncle, career commercial fishermen, were lost at sea 20 miles off the coast of Cape May, New Jersey on November 11. When the search was called off and they were presumed dead my family was of course devastated -- and I found myself in a unique position, religiously.

I, an atheist, had to write a eulogy for both of these men, one a born-again Christian, to be delivered in the Pentecostal church with which he was heavily involved, before a crowd strongly dominated by evangelical Christians.

My uncle was a man who had many problems in his life - drink, drugs, divorce, violence. Though I wasn't on the same page with him religiously, I know that his faith saved - and changed - his life. I know that it brought him closer to the rest of my family. I didn't feel that I could ignore that in my eulogy just because I wasn't on the same cosmological page.

Here is what I came up with, which is not perfect but gave a number of people some comfort and was well received at the memorial.

I think it's possible for believers and non-believers to love and respect one another, to give credit where credit is due and to see death (and even life) their way, without insisting that it's the only respectable view.

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Posted by Joe Killian on Friday, November 20, 2009 at 4:28 pm

What do you think?

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9mmjustice

November 21, 2009 - 9:57 pm EST

"My uncle was a man who had many problems in his life - drink, drugs, divorce, violence. Though I wasn't on the same page with him religiously, I know that his faith saved - and changed - his life. I know that it brought him closer to the rest of my family."
This is a story that has been repeated untold times through the years. We all fall short of God's expectations. Your uncle was blessed by his faith.

nemo0037

November 23, 2009 - 12:23 pm EST

It's tough to deal with the loss of family members, regardless of the matters that tend to separate them. And it's interesting how families will lean toward asking the family's writers to put together the eulogies, regardless of the religion -- or lack thereof -- involved. I agree with Joe that it's not only possible for people in times like this to find the common ground where all can respect each other. In fact I think this is imperative, because all who survive must be able to work through their grief in the way that's best for them.

Some years ago, I witnessed a funeral with the opposite situation. A grandmother had died, and she was a long-time atheist. Her family was devoutly Christian. They showed little respect for their grandma, bringing in a Christian minister and having him preach a Christian sermon for her eulogy, apparently failing to tell him that Grandma wasn't Christian. It was decidedly awkward for friends like my family to see this. But I suppose this was the family's best guess on how to handle their grief... made worse because of their belief about Grandma's soul.

Would that more people could find it in their hearts to help everyone who grieves a loss in their lives. But I suppose that would require them to find ways to live at peace with differences while they're alive.

kuranes

November 23, 2009 - 3:49 pm EST

If we can take these two examples as typical,, one from an atheist and the other from Christians more concerned with imposing their dogma than with the truth, it would seem that the atheist will most likely show the way toward mutual respect. Thank you, Joe, for posting this; I am sorry for your loss, but impressed by the compassionate way you handled it.

nemo0037

November 24, 2009 - 7:16 am EST

I doubt that two instances will show a trend, but I think that Joe and I probably share some things in common besides our disbelief in gods.For instance, shortly after my deconversion, I became concerned about the possibility of my wife giving me a Christian funeral should I happen to die in an accident, in our old church. I put together a list of instructions for the funeral I wanted (complete with music chosen from my favorite atheist groups like XTC and Rush) to circumvent this possibility.

Since then, I've mellowed out and delivered a couple of eulogies for my own family... so I have grown to trust that should my wife survive me, she'll keep my views in mind for the funeral. Likewise, should I be unfortunate enough to have to plan my wife's funeral, I would hope that I could plan something that would help her Christian friends and relatives as well as myself. Joe's eulogy certainly acts as a terrific model in that respect.

Gymnaseum

November 24, 2009 - 10:06 pm EST

But isn't the funeral really for the living to deal with the loss by way of their own faith? In would want my parents or children to say any all prayers or withhold such things and be just as rational as they wished, whether they agreed with my own religious/spiritual/atheist or deist views or not.

Get A Clue

November 25, 2009 - 11:12 pm EST

When you're dead you're dead.
It doesn't matter what they do at your funeral, with the corpse or the ashes. They can sing, pray, chant, dance or just let the wildlife enjoy a free dinner where you fell. You're dead and that's that. Everything we do to a corpse is solely for the benefit of the living.
Period.
Do a little research and find out what a fixed racket the funeral industry has locked in place. All because you're easy prey at the worst possible moment.

nemo0037

November 30, 2009 - 5:35 am EST

Sadly, this comment on the industry is pretty well true -- and it's one reason why my family has consistently avoided using their services. Our memorial gatherings are done at home, away from the funeral homes. For some, it may be that the whole business of traditional funeral trappings provide some comfort, and if the gathering is likely to be larger than a house can hold (as with church members) there may be some need. But the whole business of burial of bodies is (I hope) slowly fading away.

Gymnaseum

December 3, 2009 - 8:51 pm EST

I see no reason why a family can't, if they feel strongly, choose to bury. No matter how one views "matter", many others have every right to feel the need for a sense of closure and ritual that connects them to ancient traditions, family or just the Earth itself (herself?). A simple pine box, or even, as some in the Jewish and other traditions have done, a shroud only, are not terribly expensive, and increasingly states are allowing family burial itself.

As for the outrageous tactics and fees piled on by the funeral industry, yes, that is unforgivable. On the other hand, if this material world is illusion, and certainly in the grand scope of the universe and time, incredibly transient, why cannot a family or the deceased have the option to spend that ultimate cipher of nothingness, money, any way they wish?