The Joke's On You
THIS WEEK'S CARTOON 082109
Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com
Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.
This week, a list of our top winners including most runner-ups. Are you on there?
No one entered the Jr. category this week (unless I overlooked any, in which case, sorry ‘bout that. Remember to include “Jr. category in the subject heading of your e-mail.) What gives? Well, now that school is starting, maybe we can get some competition going between the different elementary schools. Teachers, what about it? Are your students ready to represent?
LAST WEEK’S CARTOON
WINNER
"Talk about a surprise ending."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
RUNNERS-UP
“It was weird. That was the first time a book couldn’t put me down.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
“My Book Club just became a Fight Club.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
Why yes, "Self defense", how'd you know?
Les Thomas
“No more books by Wile E. Coyote.”
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
I won't be able to return "Bomb Making for Dummies"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
Where do you keep your "Dummies" books?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
"I would like "The Dog Whisperer'----the Rottweiler edition."
Kevin Little
'Hi, where can I return "Lion Taming for Dummies"?'
Ashley Karoly, Greensboro
Your penalty for late returns seems rather harsh.
Billy Rocket
"Your reading circle has gotten rowdier, Miss Primm."
Kris Voy, Trinity
JR. CATEGORY WINNER
No entries this week.
TOP WINNERS!
Finally, a list of all the multiple-winning captioners name, and number of wins: (These number of wins do not count that one time I wimped-out and gave a mass-win to about 10 people who had the same caption. Named-wins only. This does include the few times there has been a tie with two winners.)
If you think a name was left off below or I have something wrong, let me know and I’ll recheck my database.
6 WINS
CC Cockerham
CC is still reigning champ with 6 wins. CC has been a captioner and early supporter of JOU almost since its inception, and by getting in on the ground floor, she won three of her wins in the first few months before the contest became the cut-throat competition it is today. And she still managed three more wins going head-to-head with the best caption writers out there. But I think CC will tell you, it's getting tougher. If you want to catch her, your work is definitely cut out for you. How hard will it be to catch her? Well, she came close to winning a seventh -- "tunnel of love" -- a couple weeks ago.
5 WINS
Right now, in the best position to catch her ...
Tim Tribbett
4 WINS
But don't count out these guys ...
Joel Clark
Bob Mannary
Joel Tuggle
Worth mentioning: In one week of inspired caption writing, Joel Tuggle once won AND placed two entries in runners-up. That's a three-fer, the only person to pull this feat off.
3 WINS
Or these ...
Gray Amick
Brandon Breeze
Brent Wooten
2 WINS
These guys are good, but have a lot of ground to cover ...
Jon Barsanti Jr
Bob Beitzel
Darrell Clark
Marsha Elam
Steve Hearn
Joan Lux
Tom Norman
Ken Sheldon
Kris Voy
Norman Welker
J. C. Winkler
PEOPLE WITH BACK-TO-BACK WINS (ONE EACH)
Joel Clark
Bob Mannary
Ken Sheldon
TOTAL WINS/RUNNER-UPS (I only listed people with a total of 10 or more)
Tim Tribbett – 49
Joel Clark – 48
Bob Mannary – 34
Joel Tuggle – 34
Tom Norman – 31
Brandon Breeze - 26
CC Cockerham – 25
Brent Wooten – 25
Bill Wallace – 21
Joan Lux - 21
Dennis LaJeunesse – 21
Nancy Nelson – 21
Jon Barsanti Jr - 20
Kris Voy – 20
Gray Amick – 16
Ken Layton – 16
Bob Beitzel – 15
Darrell Clark – 14
Kevin Little - 13
Eli Oklesh – 11
Frank Leonard - 10
PSYCHIC ENTRIES FOR NEXT WEEK’S CARTOON (entries received before the cartoon even appeared)
No, we’re not reenacting the traffic going to Woodstock. We’re just driving to the first day of classes at GTCC.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
Do you have "Town Hall Meetings for Dummies?".
Bill Atkinson, Lexington
Don't get me started. Where are the entry forms for the Bulwer-Lytton Awards?
Joan Lux, Greensboro
Whatever you do, lady, don't say J-u-m-a-n-j-i!"
Mark Prevette, Lexington
"Questions for Politicians please. I asked Hillary what Bill thought"
Tim Brande, Greensboro
“First rule of Book Club: Do not talk about Book Club!“
Joel Clark
BEST/WORST PUN
You guys haven’t been very punny lately.
BEST INSIDE JOKE
I’m sorry. I meant to say “Do you have today’s ‘News & Record’”, not the “Winston-Salem Journal.”
Ken Sheldon, Elon
All I did at the book signing was tell Rickard some of his Brewster Rockit plots were a bit contrived…
Ken Sheldon, Elon
… And tell your friends!
It was brutal! Zinger after zinger! First Clark, then Tribbett! Clark! Tribbett! They were killing ‘em left and right! I was lucky to get outta there alive!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
SO ENIGMATIC IT’S FUNNY
“Moths have sort of taken over my life.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
MATURE
Nothing this week.
BEST POEM
“Sue loves Cajun cuisine!” Jerome thought.
“So I’ll get her that cookbook she’s sought.
I will get the book signed
And inscribed! What a find!”
So with love, he gave Sue what he bought.
She yelled, “How could you do this, Jerome!”
As she bashed the book into his dome.
Though he thought it said “cooked”,
It had read that she looked
Like the New Orleans chef Paul Prudhomme.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
As you can plainly see, my clothes have been ripped to shreads, I was mauled by a big hairy bear,
I fear I've lost my job for drinking too much beer,
I was lost at sea for over a year,
my beautiful wife left me,
I know whatever will be will be,
but clearly you don't expect me
to pay that enormous library fee!
Nancy Nelson
I know this wasn’t intended as a poem, but I couldn’t resist
My last poem didn't make it to your blog, us older more senile, sometimes hit delete instead of send,
it wasn't in my pending file, it wasn't in my trash bin,
oh where oh where did it go.
Perhaps I'll never know
Nancy Nelson
OTHER VOTE-GETTING CAPTIONS
“The bookcase fell. I’m going to need somebody to help me separate fact from fiction.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
This had strong support, but it was a little afar of the art. Or put it this way, it would have worked even if the guy wasn't disheveled.
“Then it should have said don’t try this at work either.“
Joel Clark, Greensboro
"I think there's a problem with the copy machine."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Hooooo boy, that "Wild Predators of Africa" popup book was incredibly realistic.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
(No Joel vs. Tim this week, as I’m not trying to foment an artificial competition here.
But, you can read their entries below and see why they are number one and two in total number of wins/runner-ups.)
THE REST
That is one mean library cat!
2.) I'd like a book on self defense.
3.) I promise I'll be quiet from now on.
4.)Geez,you guys are tough on people who lose books.
5.) Gosh, you librarians are tough on people with overdue books.
6.) I was expecting something more along the lines of a fine.
7.)Why do you even need a library bear?
8.) I need a book that shows the proper way to to use a band saw.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
You guys are pretty strict on that no talking rule.
2.) Where do you keep your "Dummies" books?
3.)Do you have the "What to do when you've angered the mafia for Dummies"book.
Tim Tribbett.Greensboro
Seems I'm not ready for "Self-Defense for Dummies." Do you have "Self-Defense for Complete Imbeciles?"
Don't let your books go overdue with Conan the Librarian.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
I'm sorry. I meant to say "Do you have today's 'News & Record'", not the "Winston-Salem Journal."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Do you have one on self-defense ?
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington
Do you have STREET-FIGHTING FOR DUMMIES?
Ken Layton, Carthage
Are you the person who sold my wife the book about knife throwing?
Ken Sheldon, Elon
Where are your "Chainsaws for Dummies"books?
2.) ....and I promise to never speak above a whisper in this library again.
3.) Maybe something in the self help section.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
'Hi, where can I return "Lion Taming for Dummies"?'
Ashley Karoly, Greensboro
I should have looked at your hands before I bought that book you suggested: "How to Hand-Feed Starving, Crazed Weasels."
Ken Sheldon, Elon
All I did at the book signing was tell Rickard some of his Brewster Rockit plots were a bit contrived...
Ken Sheldon, Elon
"I would like "The Dog Whisperer'----the Rottweiler edition."
"Do you have 'Weed-Eaters for Dummies'?"
"I need a 'How-To' book please. Cross-reference 'walk' and 'gum-chewing'. "
Kevin Little
Can you check out book worms?
James O. Durham-Greensboro
Do you have "Town Hall Meetings for Dummies?".
Bill Atkinson, Lexington
"You guys are serious about overdues, huh?"
"A couple of teens kindly explained that there's a computer waiting list."
"Apparently there's some sort of waiting list for the computers?"
"I think there's a problem with the copy machine."
"I thought it would help if I came for the interview, already in costume."
"I heard the library was ideal for getting a date but that woman's husband disagrees."
"I told some teenagers to shoosh..."
"Can I take my break now?"
"I tried to quiet them down - I don't think it worked."
"I read the book, Standing Up to your Wife - now where's the medical section?"
"I'm here for the librarian postion - I came in costume."
Brandon Breeze, Greensboro
Don't get me started. Where are the entry forms for the Bulwer-Lytton Awards?
I'm looking for a book on sartorial splendor.
I'm looking for a book on training cats.
Joan Lux, Greensboro
"Questions for Politicians please. I asked Hillary what Bill thought"
Tim Brande, Greensboro
1.) Do you have any books on training guard dogs?
2.) Do you have any books on raising tigers?
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro
"Please call security to the Adventure section."
"Being quiet was the hardest thing."
Steve Kindschi, Asheboro
You were onto something here, but it needed more exposition
I am looking for something that suits me.
Jamey Holder, Pleasant Garden
I would like to return that Siegfried & Roy tiger training manual.
2.) Hooooo boy,that "Wild Predators of Africa" popup book was incredibly realistic
3.) Do you have "The Idiot's Guide to filing a lawsuit against a streetsweeping company"?
4.)Being an inner city school teacher is too stressful.Any openings here?
5.) I want a copy of every "Idiot's Guide" and "Dummies" book ya got.
6.) Please direct me to the Humor section. I've had a really bad day.
7.)Ya got any books on removing wild badgers?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
"Could you direct me to the self-help section?"
Juliana Hauser, Burlington
1. It said face your fears!
2. The dog ate it!
3. I need a vacation!
4. My Doberman ate it!
5. I need a book on fashion tips.
6. Got any self-help books for this?!
7. Could I have "Dress to Impress"?!
8. A bear wrestled me for that book and I lost!
9. They said, I couldn't build a bomb from a book!
Nancy Nelson
Your book on lion training didn't work.
I think there's a wildcat in the Reference section.
Your penalty for late returns seems rather harsh.
Mom. I don't think our cat likes her new food.
Billy Rocket
" I won't?be able to return"Bomb Making for Dummies"?
"Your security guard takes this "No Talking" thing seriously!
"My book was only 3 days late!"
Rick O'Reilly, Greensboro
1.) Do you have any books on witness relocation?
2.) Do you have any books on what to do if you've deleted a chain email?
3.) First aid section please.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
1.) I'd like to report one doozie of a paper cut.
2.) I thought the first paper cut was a fluke but it just kept on happening.
3,) I'm returning that survival guide that suggests playing dead in a bear attack.
4.) I'd like to report terminator tots in the childrens sci fi section
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
1.) Kudos on having a very realistic nature section.
2.) I've been lost in this place for weeks now.
3.) Medical reference and nursing please.
4.) Do you carry "Lawsuits for Dummies"?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
1.) I would like to speak to the salesperson who sold my wife the "Idiot's guide to Judo"
2.) I am sooo done with trying to get into that Guinness world book you sold me.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
1. The book, "How To Repair Fences" forgot to mention electric fences.
2. My dog did not care for the lessons in the dog obedience book.
3. Do you have a book on dog obedience?
4. My wife didn't like me telling her the negligee was wrinkled. She wasn't wearing one.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
1 - "Okay, lady, I promise to whisper from now on."
2- "I'm looking for The Emperor's New Clothes in a 39 regular."
3 - "You of all people should know not to judge a book by its cover!"
4 - "It's the new Kerouac look."
5 - "And where might I find this Emily Post?"
6 - Whatever you do, lady, don't say J-u-m-a-n-j-i!"
7 - "My tailor said it had the attar of Hemingway, the insouciance of Proust, and the pizzaz of Joyce."
Mark Prevette, Lexington
No, we're not reenacting the traffic going to Woodstock. We're just driving to the first day of classes at GTCC.
Ken Sheldon, Elon
"I just got run over by someone on a cell phone."
Nancy Ghent, Greensboro
I'm looking for something on fashion.
Do you have "Idiots guide to lion taming"?
Do you have "101 ways to skin a cat"?
No, I asked you for: "Hiking, the BARE essentials"!
Do you have "Rugby: Coaching for Dummies"?
Why yes, "Self defense", how'd you know?
Miss Humphries, would you please remove "1001 Pick-Up Lines" from the Feminist section.
. . . but you said Jumanji was FUN for all ages!!!
. . . shopping for Cabbage Patch Kids, why do you ask?
Do you have "Hamsters for Dummies"?
I'd like to report a typo on page 129. Apparently, bears do not fear loud ties.
Les Thomas
"The books are all in order. Not so much the patrons."
"That was some interactive program on grizzlies!"
"Your reading circle has gotten rowdier, Miss Primm."
"He really didn't want to pay that overdue fine, Miss Crumpler."
"I had trouble collecting that overdue fee, Miss Crumpler."
"No more cookies and punch for the kids during reading hour!"
"What is wrong with these kids today?"
"No, I'm not whispering. I WILL NOT return next week to read the next
chapter of my book to the kids!"
"Yes, ma'am, the copier's finally fixed."
"Nix the cookies and punch during children's reading hour, Miss Primm!"
Kris Voy, Trinity
"The Dog Ate It"
Bob Fuller, Greensboro
"Do you have a copy of O.J. Simpson's 'If I Did It"?"
"Where is your self-loathing section?"
"Do not go into the bathroom."
"Yes, that book was 'da bomb'."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Please tell that big security guard that you forgot to scan one of my purchases.
2.) Owwww lady! I said I was sorry about "Green Eggs and Ham being 27 years overdue.
3.) ..and I promise never to badmouth the Dewey Decimal system again.
4.) Where are your "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books?
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
My Kindle blew up. Got anything to read?
Marcia Minsky, LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009
"No more books by Wile E. Coyote."
"Maybe bringing home "Cooking For Dummies" wasn't such a good idea."
"I guess this means that you don't have a scratch-and-sniff version of Playboy?"
"I meant, 'do you have a book on crabs?' "
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
Where's your self-help section?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
Do you have any books on dog training?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
I think there's something wrong with your books on tape machine.
Chris Marland, Greensboro
"It was the best of times-It was the worst of times."
"Talk about a surprise ending."
"That Stephen King can sure scare the heck out of you."
"I think there's a wildcat stuck in your book return box."
"Do you have the book- "Taming the Sensitive Porcupine?"
"I'd like to check out "Grooming Feral Cats."
"I'm returning "Neutering your pet Elk."
"That story really had me on pins and needles."
Joel Tuggle, Archdale
Do you have another copy of the health care reform bill?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
Do you have "getting dressed for dummies"?
Chris Marland, Greensboro
It was brutal! Zinger after zinger! First Clark, then Tribbett! Clark! Tribbett! They were killing 'em left and right! I was lucky to get outta there alive!
Ken Sheldon, Elon
1.) Do you have any books on how to pill a cat?
2.) Do you have "The Idiot's Guide to pilling a cat"?
Tim Tribbett, DVM
1. “Do you have ‘Weed Wackers for Dummies’?
2. “I was just attacked in the True Crime section.”
3. “I’d like to report a bookworm with an attitude problem.”
4. “My Book Club just became a Fight Club.”
5. “Can I be a character in one of your books?”
6. “Moths have sort of taken over my life.”
Tom Norman, Greensboro
1. I said to my wife, "Looks like the beauty parlor was closed."
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
I would like Harry Potters latest please.
Do you have a book on Karate please.
Don Rankin, Greensboro
1. My boss shreaded me to pieces again!
2. My boss didn't like my tie!
3. You should see the book!
Nancy Nelson
About that book "Idiot's Guide to Trimming your Cat's claws ..."
"I need a book on giving a cat a bath"
"Did you know that servals can't be trained"
" I'm looking for a book on 'traveling by car with multiple.'
"I'm looking for a book on giving your cat medicine ...."
"Ocelots 101, please"
"I have a complaint regarding 'Savannah Cat Breeding Made Simple."
Jon Barsanti Jr, Hillsborough
1. When they said, "50% off" I thought they meant the price.
Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden
“....and then that mean old dog ate it!”.
Chuck Norton, Reidsville
"Do you have a Weed Whacker Operating Guide?
"That's the last time I work "Midnight Madness" at the mall!"
"I cut off a senior citizen for the last parking space out site!"
"Have anything on taming wild guinea pigs?"
"The Dance School sent me over for "Basic Ballroom Steps!"
Dennis R. LaJeunesse, Greensboro
1. "Have anything on ways to appease a woman scorned?"
2. "I need to learn how to remove hen eggs properly."
3. "The Taming of the Shrew" did not work on Donald's wife.
4. "Your penalty for humming is quite harsh."
5. "I finally fixed your paper shredder."
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro
1) " First rule of Book Club : Do not talk about Book Club ! "
2) " My pop-up blew up ! "
3) " Don't you think that's a little harsh for a late penalty ? "
4) " The bookcase fell. I'm going to need somebody to help me separate fact from fiction . "
5) " Then it should have said don't try this at work either . "
6) " Do you have another copy of Grilling for Dummies ? "
7) " The pen may be mightier than the sword but there had to be a bat in there some where ! "
8) " It was weird. That was the first time a book couldn't put me down. "
9) " If you're going to ask Oprah to sign your book, you'd better takea paperback . "
10) " The section about war has been over taken by insurgents. "
11) " Dick Cheney's autobiography get a little rough near the end. "
12) " I'd like to complain about your book mobile driver. "
13) " I've lost control of the science-fiction section ! "
14) " Who are you, Conan the Librarian ? "
15) " Could you show me where the self-defense section is ? "
16) " That pop-up book on the Iraq war was a little intense ! "
17) " I'm not going to be able to return that scratch-n-sniff book on gun powder. "
18) " That the last time I tell a teenager that textbooks have nothing to do with texting ! "
19) " If you want your book back we are going to need a pair of tongs ! "
20) " Let's just say it wasn't the feel good story of the year ! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro
"Where are your how to drive books?"
Nancy Ghent, Greensboro
"Nobody gets out of Oprah's Book Club alive."
"You could have just said that you don't have it."
"I will never take one of your books into the bathroom again."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden
1.) Our book club discussion got a wee bit testy.
2.) People in my book club have some very strong opinions.
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro
"Could you direct me to the moth prevention section please?"
"I'm looking for 'Of Moths and Men' by John Steinbeck."
Gray Amick, Nonfiction Section
Do you have any books on bomb making safety?
Excuse me, Do you have any books on gasoline safety?
Ronnie Seagraves, G-boro
"You guys need to call Terminix for your hostile bookworm problem."
Gray Amick, Nonfiction Section
"Wish way to dog obedience?
"Financial ruins section?"
"The dog ate it."
James E, Ferrell, McLewansville
I was drinking beer at the White House and Bo ate my book!
Louise Adcock, Siler City
" Could you show me the section on 'How to Properly Fill Your Tires With Air.' ?"
" Do you have a book called 'The Feminine Mystique' ?"
"By any chance do you have a book called 'How To Take Back Your Life'?"
"Could you point me towards New Careers section?"
"Is there where The Art Of Conversation club meets?"
"I'm here to fix the printer."
"Is this where "Procrastinators Anonymous" meets, or have I missed that too?"
CC Cockerham, Greensboro
"Do you have Wood Chippers for Dummies?"
Ryan Carney
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