news-record.com

THIS WEEK'S CARTOON

Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com

Welcome to the News & Record's "Jokes on You" page. Each week I'll post the new cartoon for your caption consideration (see above) and post the previous week's cartoon, the winning entries and all the other entries (see below). I will also try to talk a little about what I liked about the captions I chose and why I thought they worked. Feel free to post comments and ask questions. And remember, this is for entertainment purposes only, so please, no wagering.

Katrina M. Griffin wrote "My family really enjoys doing these! It's a time for us to get together and do them together! Thanks"
Jokes On You. Bringing families together since 2007. Thanks, Katrina.
The "mature" section of the blog is bigger than usual this week, thanks mostly to the efforts of the Bobs (Beitzel and Mannary.) And speaking of Mannary, he makes a return to the blog's Poetry corner -- the section he created -- this week.

WINNER
I brought you into this world and I can take you out.
Craig Griffin, Greensboro

JR. DIVISION WINNER
"Son don't go rotten on me"
Abbey Carter, 9, Wentworth Elementary School

RUNNERS-UP
What do you mean you want a baby brother ?!
Nancy Nelson

"Today, we'll build a wood chipper. Tomorrow, a trusting relationship."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

Son, let's get that chip off your shoulder!
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"You've been a lot of laughs, kid, but Daddy needs a workstool."
Kevin Little

"Things are tough. We need wood for the stove!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Guess it's time we had a little talk about the Boards and the Trees!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

Time for your yearly physical
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

BEST OBSCURE CULTURAL REFERENCE
"Is it safe …?"
Bill Wallace, High Point

"I don't know why I put an appendix in there in the first place!"
Kevin Little

"Gideon's not talking either. I'm only going to ask one more time, and don't lie to me…."
"I know the blind guy picked up a hammer and saw, but there's no tool you can pick up that will turn you into a boy."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

BEST/WORST PUN
"Why are we going to the woodshed? Because you're so knotty!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

How can they not like you?You're poplar!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

SO ENIGMATIC IT'S FUNNY
"I forgot what I wanted to say!"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

BEST INSIDE JOKE
"If you would quit lying about what a great cartoonist Rickard is you wouldn't have this problem in the first place."
Gray Amick, Greensboro
NEVER!

After seeing those cows last week, you should be able to build your own car.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Now tell the truth. Did you steal those tools from the cows?"
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

Wood working tools are to a marionettes as Tim Tribbett is to "Jokes On You."
Brian Smith, Madison
… I'm not sure what that means …

"I was going to make a Tim Tribett doll, but I didn't have enough wood to build such a 'giant.' "
Walt Disney
… Or this one. Maybe Uncle Walt means that you're a giant in the field of caption writing …

"I saw what you were doing to that wooden cow last week and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

NO, you can't go help the cows!
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

BEST POEM
And now, in poetry corner this week, is the man who single-handedly started the BEST POEM category. Ladies and gentlemen, after a long absence, JOU is proud to present: Mr. Bob Mannary (polite applause)
It really seemed so innocent
and funny at the time
to send a little poem one week
a silly little rhyme.

I knew they called it Jokes On You
and only wanted captions
but the poem seemed like a funny gag...
now I'm sorry for my actions!

I never really thought it through
'bout what one poem could do
that one dumb poem would start a trend
down at The Jokes On You!

So every week you get one,
or two or sometimes three
More witty poems for you to read
in the name of comedy.

So as a good web blogger
you take some extra time
to add these little extra bits
to the blog you keep online.

You label them as Best Poem
and give them their own place
a section of the blog each week
a Poetry Showcase!

Now where these poems do fit in,
I haven't got a clue,
They're really not one-liners,
that fit the Jokes On You!

So Tim please hear these last few words...
I'm sorry for what I've done...
I'm sorry you get new poems each week
and I'm sorry for this one!

I know that we should end it
it's the right thing we should do
stop sending in these silly poems
each week to Jokes On You!

But if my fellow poets,
need another poem excuse,
how 'bout next week you send in poems,
in the Spirit Of Dr. Seuss!
-Anonymous

"Ah, my boy," said the toy man Geppetto,
"I no longer date girls from the ghetto.
Turn about is fair play,
So could you build today
A girl shapely and tall in stilettos?"
Ken Sheldon, Elon

I know you are no longer just a toy,
Your actions prove to me you have become a real boy,
therefore I will treat you as my son, Pick up these tools and put them away,
I will teach you how to use them some day
Meanwhile you will obey my rules.
Lying is only for fools
For now this lecture is done.
Now run out and play
on this beautiful sun shiny day!
You'll see, Life can be fun.
Nancy Nelson

BEST CAPTION TO THE WRONG CARTOON
"What interception happened on the way home?"
caption for female football meeting male football at the door

Caption for goldfish cartoon.
"Mom it's not fair, dad was about to give me money for a new car!"

MATURE
The mohel isn't available, so I'll have to do the circumcision myself.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Like I told you before, your nose is the only thing that grows when you lie.
John Fann

You clogged the toilet again but at least it's pine scented.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

NO Pinnochio , we can't move your nose there!
Les Thomas

I'll tell you why you don't have one - because this is a G-rated movie!
Sam Penry — Greensboro

"I read the instructions upside down. It's supposed to be your nose that grows."
"If I catch you doing that one more time, I'm hacking it off."
"Sorry, son, but only your nose can get bigger."
"If you keep doing that you'll go blind…..and get splinters."
"I saw what you were doing with that Raggedy Ann doll!"
"Raggedy Ann says she's pregnant with your love child."
"It's time for your circumcision."
"You want a tattoo of Walt Disney doing what??"
"Just put the dress on and do as I say!"
"If anyone asks, you know nothing about all those headless mannequins."
"If you tell the truth, something else will grow."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

stop acting like a tool
AAMCO Greensboro

"When we figure out why your nose does that we will put Viagra out of business!!!"
Joel Clark, Greensboro

"You can lie to her all you want but it's not going to make one bit of difference!"
"Sorry Ol' Boy...that was all the wood I had left..."
"The hole in the box was for the birds you dirty, dirty little boy!"
"For the last time, Thompson's Water Seal will not help prevent STD's!"
"Be grateful I was able to find an old broomstick or you would've been stuck with a #2 pencil!"
"Why is your Facebook screen name Woody Woodpecker?!?!?"
"Why is the Home Depot website up on my laptop and tree sap on my keyboard?!?!?"
"Why does the cat smell like pine needles again?"
"Well, it's better than a toothpick!"
"I don't believe for one second it was the kitchen broom handle Mrs. Crabtree backed into!"
"That better be Dirt on the end of your nose..."
"I saw what you were doing to that wooden cow last week and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"I REFUSE to call you Woody for SO many reasons!"
"Not only could you go blind but it can lead to wood rot and splinters!!!"
"That's not what they meant by 'Do Yourself Proud With MinWax and Wood'!"
"No...they don't have teeth down there...they have Sandpaper!"
"No...you can't just DECIDE which part is affected when you tell a lie..."
"When I asked you to help me stir the paint that wasn't exactly what I had in mind!"
"Sorry...I didn't have any Mahogany at the time..."
"FINE! I'll get some more wood and widdle you a new one!"
"It's no big deal! It happens to most boys every morning at your age..."
"I've told you before, that is NOT what wood clamps are supposed to be used for!"
"Can you think of a BETTER place for the knothole to be?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro
Some of these don't sound dirty but … they're from Bob. Of course they're dirty.

If you keep doing that you'll start a fire.
Why is my hole saw missing?
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

OTHER TOP CAPTIONS
"Can you think of a BETTER place for the knothole to be?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

This is your real father!"
Kevin Little

"Pixar called about a remake, but they wanted a new look."
Bill Wallace, High Point

Here's another idea. STOP LYING SO DARN MUCH!!
Tim Tribbett, Greensboro

"No Pinocchio, you didn't come from the cabbage patch, you came from this tool box."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

"It's just a bird house...it means Nothing To Me!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"All Hollywood stars have facelifts when they reach your age."
Bill Wallace, High Point

"Care to explain why I found this and a new marionette under your bed?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

"I will not make you a girlfriend."
Paula Hairston, Greensboro

"Why are we going to the woodshed? Because you're so knotty!"
Kris Voy, Trinity

If I build you a puppy will you shut the heck up?!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Dang it,I still think one leg is longer!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

You clogged the toilet again but at least it's pine scented.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Darn it,I hate it when I have parts left over!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

I hope you do better than the first 10 prototypes!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"There is NOT a giant wood chipper in your closet now Go Back To BED!!"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"What happened to your older brother? He kept asking too many questions about what happened to HIS older brother..."
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

"And that's where babies come from."
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

THE REST
You'll cut off your nose to spite your face! 2.)No,you can't build an extension on to that!
3.)You'll increase my property taxes!
4.)No wonder you're losing your eyesight!
5.)Here's another idea.STOP LYING SO DARN MUCH!!
6.)Time for your yearly physical.
7.) Sorry I yelled but I can't sleep with that darn cricket chirping.
8.)I'm going to find that darn cricket if I have to take the house apart!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro(trying to be the first with #1)

"For the last time, NO MORE BLOW-UP DOLLS!!!"
Micah Massei, Greensboro

When I say "Go make your bed", I mean "Go make your bed!"
The mohel isn't available, so I'll have to do the circumcision myself.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

And then one piece of wood says to the other piece of wood . . . .
You didn't hear THAT in woodworking class!
Guess it's time for the "big talk."
Joan Lux, Greensboro

After seeing those cows last week, you should be able to build your own car.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

Yes, you're anatomically correct.
Ken Layton, Carthage

Yes, I set my toolbox on top of that cricket. So what???
Ken Sheldon, Elon

"Son, prepare to meet your maker."
Pete Dey, Greensboro

"Did you cut your self again?"
Alex Potter, Greensboro

Son, let's get that chip off your shoulder !
Time for a visit to the woodshed !
Sorry, I've got to have some firewood !
Must I hammer some sense into you ?
I need you to be more level headed, son !
" Be-Square, " that's our moto, son !
Looks like I put a round peg in a square hole again !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

Now, where's that knot you want removed ?
Now, where's that splinter ?
I need to get the sawdust out of your head !
No wonder ! You were made in China !
I have to repair must everything made in China !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

1. How many times do I have to tell you these tools are dangerous!
2. I love you and I don't want you to get hurt!
3 You thought if you cut off the tip of your nose, I wouldn't notice!
Nancy Nelson

When you tell a fib at least your pants don't catch on fire.
At least nobody says "liar, liar, pants on fire" to you.
You're lucky -- instead of your nose growing your pants could ignite.
Why do you want to change your name to "Guido"?
It was insensitive serving corn dogs on wooden skewers.
. . . and your father was a mighty oak.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

4. Don't lie to me son!
5. I can always tell when you lie!
6. Don't think you can pull my strings!
7. If you don't stop lying I'll have to cut your vocal cords!
8. Don't string me along!
9. No theater for you tonight!
10. Drop the innocent act, it ain't working!
Nancy Nelson

1." I WILL NOT MAKE YOU A GIRLFRIEND."
2."IF I DO THAT, IT WILL LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE THREE LEGS".
3."I TOLD YOU I DON'T NEED A WIFE."
4."I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A NOSE LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON."
PAULA HAIRSTON, GREENSBORO

And I could have made your pants catch on fire.
What was I thinking when I made your middle name "Cyrano"?
Living up to your middle name "Cyrano," are you?
As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.
Joan Lux, Greensboro

"You might as well schedule a weekly rhinoplasty."
"What you need is a fire extinguisher, Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!"
"What? Is my chain saw too noisy for you?"
"Caught you again! Call me Gestapo, not Gepetto!"
"So that's why the blade keeps getting so dull!"
"I knew the wood you were carved from was too knotty!"
"This is what I get for making you out of knotty wood!"
"Why are we going to the woodshed? Because you're so knotty!"
"Maybe I should have made you from the cherry tree..."
Kris Voy, Trinity

The next time I have to fix you after telling a lie, I'm going to start calling you Michael Jackson.
Ken Sheldon, Elon

1.) Don't you know you can catch the pine flu from used tools?!
2.) It'll never heal if you keep whittling on it!
3.) You cut off your nose to spite your face again!
4.) Those two parts are NOT interchangable young man!
5.)Next time you get termites come to me first!
6.) Are you practicing carpentry without a liscense?!
7.)You got your sap all over my tools!
8.)Maybe if I saw off a leg or two you won't run away!
9) You can't just use my good tools with no strings attached!
10.)Sorry kid but times are tough and I have a house to heat.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

Like I told you before, your nose is the only thing that grows when you lie.
John Fann

"Tell a lie, son. The coffee table needs a new leg."
"Time for that nose job I promised for your birthday!"
"Sorry, son. The economy's shot and my workstool needs a new leg."
"This is your real father!"
"I don't know why I put an appendix in there in the first place!"
Kevin Little

Viagra made your nose and what grow?
George Creech, Mason, Ohio

"Can I get a price on a nose job?"
Kristyn Carter, Reidsville

"Son don't go rotten on me"
Abbey Carter, 9, Wentworth Elementary School

1. "No, and I'm not going to discuss anatomical correctness with you again!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

Another word from you and you'll be heating the house instead of living in the house.
Ronnie Seagraves

"You've been a lot of laughs, kid, but Daddy needs a workstool."
"I never told you this before, but I'd always preferred daughters."
Kevin Little

"Honest - the stork brought you."
Julie Tiska

1.) Because Mr. Jackson asked me to make some modifications before he purchases you,that's why!
2.) I'm going to fix that nose problem once and for all! 3.) I need some dowel rods so start lying kid!
4.) I read what you wrote about me on your blog
5.) I'll show you who's a creepy old man!
6.) Aha! I saw it grow that time you little fibber!
7.) Self carpentry?! I'll sand your hide for that!
8.) I warned you about bringing termites into this house!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) If the cricket wants partial custody I'll send him half!
2.) Ok,pick your punishment!
3,)Darn it,I just whittled that nose down yesterday!
4.) If you don't stop lying so much I'm gonna need a band saw to keep up!
5.)Time for your sanding and refinishing.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) C'mere,I've decided I want a little daughter!
2.) You're this close to going in the chipper young man! 3.) It's wood rot and it has to come off!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

1.) Something involving the cracked liberty bell ie the guy who cracked it saying something.
2.)Someone saying something as Paul Revere rides past shouting.
Tim Tribbett

I'm going to varnish the truth into you!
2.) I can rebuild you.I have the technology.
Tim Tribbett

"You're at that age, son. We need to sit down and talk about the boards and the beams."
Kevin Little

" What do you mean you want to be a REAL BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
" How many times have I told to notmake improvements"
Ryan Natal, age 12

It's the water, lets get outta here now.
Beverly Hummel, Bonita Springs, Fl.

Son, do you honestly think 'cutting your nose off to spite your face' prevents me from knowing when you're lying?
AMY TORCHINSKY, GREENSBORO

Dadgummit,do you want me to fix your boo boo or not?!
2.) If I build you a puppy will you shut the heck up?! 3.) Dang it,I still think one leg is longer!
4.) How can they not like you?You're poplar! 5.)You clogged the toilet again but at least it's pine scented.
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"OK! Where's my 'Do It Yourself Rhinoplasty' book?"
David Holley, Greensboro

1.) You can't use these tools on the other kids!
2.) Did you saw your brother in half?!
3.)Why are there bits of nose scattered all over the house?!
Tim Tribbett

11. How many times do I have to tell you, NO PUP PETs?!
12. What do you mean you want a baby brother ?!
13. I don't have any strings for you to pull except my heart strings!
Nancy Nelson

"We'll make replacement parts. Your limbs have termite damage!
"Now get some wood and clone yourself!"
"Start lying again! Your nose made a great pool cue!"
"I have ordered pussy willow wood to make you a girlfriend!"
"Son, I need to operate, You have cranial wood rot"
"I forgot what I wanted to say!"
"Things are tough. We need wood for the stove!"
"You are being recycled. It's all video now"
Dennis LaJeunesse, Greensboro

"Now tell the truth. Did you steal those tools from the cows?"
"Jiminy Cricket! What is that smashed on the head of the hammer?"
"No Pinocchio, you didn't come from the cabbage patch, you came from this tool box."

"If you don't quit lying, I will go 'green' and recycle you."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

"Don't tell me someone was pulling your strings when you got into my
toolbox."

"Gideon's not talking either. I'm only going to ask one more time, and
don't lie to me...."

"I know the blind guy picked up a hammer and saw, but there's no tool you can pick up that will turn you into a boy."
Mike Creech, Springboro, OH

NO Pinnochio , we can't move your nose there!
Les Thomas

I've told you not to play with my tools, and this time don't try to blame it on that cricket!
Sam Penry - Greensboro

Waddaya mean, "carpentry" malpractice? Ya' walk, ya' talk, ya' sing and dance with that stupid cricket!
Ya' gotta complaint, take it up with that Blue Fairy jerk.
Sam Penry, Greensboro

Of course you don't have one. This is a G-rated movie - NONE of us has one!!!!
Sam Penry, Greensboro

"You didn't have to be afraid to go to the FURNITURE MARKET!"
John McFarland, Thomasville

"So - you think you gotta screw loose do ya?"
Mary McFarland, Thomasville

1. "If you will stop lying, I will stop doing rhinoplasty!"
2. "The magic of life is love...you can't find that in a toolbox."
3. "Grow up Pinocchio! Golly Whil-la-kers!"
Cheryl Kidd, Greensboro

I brought you into this world!
Ronnie Seagraves Greensboro

caption for female football meeting male football at the door
"What interception happened on the way home?"
deborah ishida

Caption for goldfish cartoon.
"Mom it's not fair, dad was about to give me money for a new car!"

"I read the instructions upside down. It's supposed to be your nose that grows."
"If I catch you doing that one more time, I'm hacking it off."
"Sorry, son, but only your nose can get bigger."
"If you keep doing that you'll go blind...and get splinters."
"Jiminy Cricket's been stealing from me again. Make him pay."
"No, I can't build a girlfriend for you."
"I saw what you were doing with that Raggedy Ann doll!"
"Raggedy Ann says she's pregnant with your love child."
"It's time for your circumcision."
"You want a tattoo of Walt Disney doing what??"
"Just put the dress on and do as I say!"
"If anyone asks, you know nothing about all those headless mannequins."
"Don't worry; an amber alert is a good thing."
"If you tell the truth, something else will grow."
Bob Beitzel, Pleasant Garden

NO! I will not move your nose down there!
Bryan Tribbett, Roanoke, Va.

1. "Were you about to cut off your nose in spite of your face?"
2. "Relax, I just need to check you for termites."
3. "The door knocker's broken. You mind giving me a hand?"
4. "What's the big deal? Women always know when we're lying."
5. "You better start lying, I've got an order for 3 dozen pool sticks."
6. "Today, we'll build a wood chipper. Tomorrow, a trusting relationship."
Tom Norman, Greensboro

"Pinocchio, I am afraid you are going to need more than those to fix this economy".
Chester H. "Trip" Brown, Jr.

1) did you really just saw your nose off?
2) it will still grow if you keep lying
3) stop acting like a tool
4) cutting your nose wont help, i know you have been lying
5) you need oil? your knees look like dry wood.
6) stop building stuff from your own wood.
7) are you trying to build something with your arms again?
AAMCO greensboro

"I love you just the way you are."
Hally Lee Rankin, Greensboro

"You win by a nose."
Hally Lee Rankin

"For the last time, Pinocchio, No i won't build you a girlfriend!"
Phyllis Teague

Son, please don't blow !
No wonder you could smell my coffee !
When you see birds perching, you know it's time for a trim !
How many rings do you want in it ?
Let's point it so you can win the apple bobbing contest !
Ever thought of eating ants ?
Been sniffing around them termites again ?
You and that red-nosed reindeer would make a pair !
We'll reinvent this pierced nose thing together !
They're isssuing a tornado warning if you start to sneeze !
Frank C. Leonard, Lexington

"Have you been using the saw to cut off your nose again?"
Ciara Tolbert, Nathanael Greene Elementary, Julian

I will not remake you with Abs of Steel
You're just dreaming, Disney will never hire you
Children's books, that's a good one
I didn't think you had the guts to stand up to me!
Ronnie Seagraves, Greensboro

No, son. I will not make you a little sister.
No, son. I will not make you a little brother. One of you is enough.
O, son. I will not make you a girl friend. I can't trust you.
Glenn Ogden,.Summerfield

"I think I've outdone myself this time!"
Carol Manley, Eden

1) " When we figure out why your nose does that we will put Viagra out of business !!! "
2) " Leave my tools out again and I'll fill your pockets full of termites ! "
3) " My friend Dick Cheney gave me a few suggestion to help with your lying . "
4) " Remember, I have ways of knowing if you're lying ! "
5) " No, I won't carve " THUG LIFE " into your chest !!! "
Joel Clark, Greensboro

Darn it,I hate it when I have parts left over!
2.) I know that extra screw goes somewhere!
3.) I hope you do better than the first 10 prototypes!
4.) No, you can't be a terminator!
Tim Tribbett,Greensboro

"I was going to make a Tim Tribett doll, but I didn't have enough wood to build such a 'giant.' "
Walt Disney

"It's time that I told you the truth. The stork didn't bring you."
Kim Nelson, Albany, NY

"You can lie to her all you want but it's not going to make one bit of difference!"
"Sorry Ol' Boy...that was all the wood I had left..."
"It's just a bird house...it means Nothing To Me!"
"The hole in the box was for the birds you dirty, dirty little boy!"
"You lie to me one more time and I'm going to introduce you to my friends Black and Decker!"
"Have you ever actually SEEN what a wood chipper does to a tree branch?"
"For the last time, Thompson's Water Seal will not help prevent STD's!"
"Be grateful I was able to find an old broomstick or you would've been stuck with a #2 pencil!"
"Why is your Facebook screen name Woody Woodpecker?!?!?"
"Why is the Home Depot website up on my laptop and tree sap on my keyboard?!?!?"
"Why does the cat smell like pine needles again?"
"Well, it's better than a toothpick!"
"One more lie out of you young man and you'll spend the rest of your life as a foot stool!"
"I don't believe for one second it was the kitchen broom handle Mrs. Crabtree backed into!"
"That better be Dirt on the end of your nose..."
"Relax...it's called Notty Pine..."
"I saw what you were doing to that wooden cow last week and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"I REFUSE to call you Woody for SO many reasons!"
"You miss curfew again mister and you'll find termites in your underwear drawer!"
"Sass me like that again young man and I'm going to widdle you a new one!"
"For the last time you do NOT have termites, it's just Gas!"
"No, Terminix does NOT make a cologne!"
"Not only could you go blind but it can lead to wood rot and splinters!!!"
"That's not what they meant by 'Do Yourself Proud With MinWax and Wood'!"
"It's called a wood chipper for a reason!"
"No...they don't have teeth down there...they have Sandpaper!"
"Guess it's time we had a little talk about the Boards and the Trees!"
"Did you take my tape measure again?"
"Remember to always use a good quality polyurethane to help seal and protect the wood!"
"No...you can't just DECIDE which part is affected when you tell a lie..."
"ENOUGH already with all that Rain Forest Mumbo-Jumbo!"
"When I asked you to help me stir the paint that wasn't exactly what I had in mind!"
"Sorry...I didn't have any Mahogany at the time..."
"FINE! I'll get some more wood and widdle you a new one!"
"FINE! I'll get another board and widdle you a new one but you have to watch!"
"It's no big deal! It happens to most boys every morning at your age..."
"Oh...let me guess...The Mighty Oak?!?!"
"I painted it that way for a reason!"
"There is NOT a giant wood chipper in your closet now Go Back To BED!!"
"This thing you have about squirrels is REALLY starting to get on my last nerve!"
"I brought you into this world and I'll take you out and make another one that looks just like you!"
"What happened to your older brother? He kept asking too many questions about what happened to HIS older brother..."
"Wood only gets like that when it gets wet. Let it dry, you'll be fine."
"Good Lord Son...I think it's WATERLOGGED!"
"NOW do you understand WHY I wouldn't let you play with my soldering iron?!?!?"
"I've told you before, that is NOT what wood clamps are supposed to be used for!"
"Can you think of a BETTER place for the knothole to be?"
Bob Mannary, Greensboro

I bet Michael Jackson would kill for your nose.
"If you put my tools up I?ll let you watch the Jimmy Durante special on the Biography Channel tonight."
If you would quit lying about what a great cartoonist Rickard is you wouldn?t have this problem in the first place.
Forget the tools for your runny nose, I?ve got some putty that ought to do the job.
Sniffing glue won?t help your deviated septum.?
One more lie and it?s the electric pencil sharpener treatment for you.?
Gray Amick, Greensboro

"And that's where babies come from."
"Care to explain why I found this and a new marionette under your bed?"
Brent Wooten, Thomasville

1. NO, you can't go help the cows!
2. If you keep doing that you'll start a fire.
3. Why is my hole saw missing?
4. I hope you're happy, Home Depot said we're not allowed back.
5. You can't keep sticking your nose in other people's business!
Eric Grimm, Greensboro

OK kid, where'd ya put the Band-Aids?
You want a WHAT?
Marcia Minsky #8, Communications Officer
For The Official Brewster Rockit Fan Club
*LosCon 36 Nov. 27 - 29, 2009 But WAIT...There's MORE!

. . . for the last time, it's not GELATO!
Les Thomas

Now Pinnochio don't lie, I know I made you with 5 fingers.
I'm sorry Pinnochio, with the price of lumber so high, we can't afford to make her.
You know Phinnochio, they just call it that. I don't think Hollywood is the place for you.
. . . now what would you want with my chamfer shave?
. . . and to think I could have had a foot stool!
Now Pinnochio, you know how much Mama loves her chair. I promise I'll make you another leg real soon.
Les Thomas

Well sorry! I't's the biggest dowel I had!
Dean Tribbett, Virginia Beach Va

1) I'm sorry Pinocchio, but it's a Jewish tradition.
Ned Norman, San Diego, CA